Out of the Storm

CPTSD and Others => Other => Our Relationships with Others => Employment => Topic started by: Blueberry on June 20, 2018, 08:53:52 AM

Title: Decision - Part A
Post by: Blueberry on June 20, 2018, 08:53:52 AM
Yesterday in my therapy session I decided officially and finally to stop trying to get a 'normal' P/T job in the 'normal' workforce, with an employer. After 17 years struggling in therapy and work-onself between times to recover enough to support myself in the medium-term or even long-term, I have decided that a) it's not going to happen in the medium-term and b) it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure. Now that I've made this decision, I can literally feel the pressure falling away. I feel e.g. that no, I won't need to pay for a healing retreat in August just so as I can keep going.  This strenuous "keep-going" was keeping going not with life but with life not accepting my disability as such.

I know somebody on here once commented on a post of mine with "disability?? Hm, no, don't like that  :thumbdown: " but in my country you can have official disability status for psychological reasons, not just physical or mental. The definition is: being incapable of living / working at what would be considered a normal level / in a normal way for someone of your age for 6 months or longer. (If you break your leg, it'll disable you temporarily but it doesn't count).

I've never really been able to keep up with someone of my age especially speed - it's chronic. And it's getting worse rather than better despite the fact that the brain injury called cptsd is certainly healing somewhat, my condition is certainly improving but not related to work.

I will continue my easier freelance profession, one-on-one language teaching. I'm actually self-taught, which I feel proud of accomplishing and the work does me good. But I can't do enough of it, efficiently enough to support myself. My 'real' profession is somewhat connected but much harder now for me. I haven't quite decided to let that go completely but I can feel internally that I'm getting closer to a willingness to do so.

This is a huge step  :yes:  :thumbup:  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  :applause:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Contessa on June 20, 2018, 02:01:57 PM
Wooo Blueberry!
How good is that weight lifting off your shoulders? This sounds like a very positive step. Well done you!
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on June 21, 2018, 04:47:56 PM
Thanks Contessa  ;D  :)

It actually feels as if I've been in full-body casing minus the head and the casing has come apart in the middle with one half falling to the right and one to the left. As if in my desperate struggle to keep going and to find some employment I could do, I was living in a shell which was holding me upright. Or something like that. It certainly feels good that I've decided to give up that struggle. I feel much lighter.  :yahoo: :sunny:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on June 21, 2018, 04:54:02 PM
Yay you BB!!   :cheer:     :applause:       :thumbup:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kat on June 22, 2018, 06:07:40 AM
Well done!! Good. For. You. I'm so proud of you and happy for you!!
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on June 22, 2018, 10:02:25 AM
Thank you Kat and Kizzie  :) ;D
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on June 26, 2018, 09:46:40 PM
So I come back to read here to remember why I made this decision. I'm not regretting it exactly because I know it is the correct decision for the moment and for a good long moment too. It's just that when I'm no longer focussed on trying to find p/t work, then I start feeling some of the mirky depths below...
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Contessa on June 28, 2018, 09:13:21 PM
Ah... did reading back on this post help pull you out? Or is the mirk getting deeper?
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on June 28, 2018, 09:52:30 PM
It helped pull me out!

Today I mentioned my decision to a group of acquaintances - it's difficult, I avoided eyecontact. One person was a bit critical but I just said my T is quite OK with my decision and my doc will be when I tell him. So how would an acquaintance know better than them?? And then a person with MS went on to explain how she is beginning to accept her own status of physical disability, like she's started using a walking stick.

Today I also got notification that the course I was teaching and turned down after 2 lessons, well, they've got a new instructor now so I don't have to hang on any longer. Not tomorrow, not next week. Never. I'm not teaching groups any more. Full stop. The relief I feel at not having to struggle through that tomorrow is helping to keep me 'pulled out'.  :thumbup:  :)

p.s. I think it's actually "murky depths". Mirk(wood) exists in Tolkien's world. But i'm too lazy too check.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on June 29, 2018, 04:27:20 PM
I can feel your relief about the course BB, obviously you made the right decision for yourself. Great self-care my friend!   :thumbup:   
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Contessa on June 30, 2018, 01:29:46 PM
Yess!
What a positive affirmation for that decision then; with that little bit of hindsight it's wonderful to know you've done some good for yourself.

With that weight off, i'm confident that in time your strengths - whatever they may be - will slowly and silently build up. I know my capacity to function has been increasing exponentially over the last year or two.

And the mirk - yes, ha! I did check the spelling against yours. That explains the contradictory ethereal feeling I got from the word :P

Well done Blueberry. I'm be eager to hear about how life is shaping up as a result :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on July 01, 2018, 07:37:40 PM
Well, I've already been researching the how-tos of turning my work at the farm into some type of position for somebody (me of course  ;) ) with a psychological disability. I don't think I'll be deciding on this overnight or anything, but impetus is to start looking into it. So I'll see. I have one appointment (the lawyer's) that may help and another I need to organise.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on July 03, 2018, 05:15:17 PM
I was up at the farm yesterday and then had some of my easier profession in the afternoon and evening. Kind of a long day. I feel really tired today. Had all sorts of things planned, most of which I haven't done. In fact, I slept most of the afternoon.

Whatever it is that is making me tired, it means I'm not fit for the normal job market. Realisation of the moment.  :cheer: for realisation.

It could be the long day yesterday, it could be the progress I made yesterday at not getting an EF about the garden stuff, it could be ongoing thoughts on friendships (since I'm working on / just completed three of those atm) and a sort of delayed reaction to the strenuousness of time on  Saturday with one friend. It could be my thoughts and worries on the garden. I am going to have to dig up a pile of plants and move to another part of garden. There is information I need from landlords so that I can make a good decision of where so as not to have to dig up plants again in 1year ?, 2 ? years? 3? That's part of the problem too. Landlords don't tell us in advance. Broaching this is difficult for me and it's relatively easy for somebody to brush me off with "yeah, yeah, yeah, go away and leave us alone".

Yes really, progress exhausts me. Maybe it means something is rearranging in my brain? After all, our cptsd-ravaged brains are the bits of us that are healing from injury. After I decided to no longer keep Little Furries my T said allowing myself time and space for things to come up and for healing is the most important thing atm, not just doing 'whatever' including looking after Little Furries or any other seemingly important things. So yeah, same with continuing to take a break from looking for p/t work and tying myself down with employers, schedules, 'musts', 'shoulds' and 'have to'  - it's not priority and possibly preventing me from healing in other areas which are more important emotionally-speaking even if from an objective normal person's outside perspective, it might not look that way. How could the rearrangement of your garden be more important than earning money? When healing the underlying issues of the former needs to take place before you're capable of earning more money!
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on July 19, 2018, 10:05:55 PM
This evening I went to my professional association's bi-monthly meeting and spoke about my decision. I'm still a member of the association and I'm still intending to do the odd contract work but I spoke honestly about what my limits are e.g. a job one of them might need 2 hours for and tell the client 2 days (be on the safe side in case of whatever...), I have to stipulate a week to remove pressure.

A couple of people commented that it sounds like a really hard decision to make, and it is. I noticed that while I was talking about it. I can remember thinking and even writing (here? paper Journal?) that it's sad that in a profession where my work is seen objectively, from outside, as good, I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  :dramaqueen: to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating.  :'(
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kalmer on July 20, 2018, 05:14:13 PM
Hi Blueberry,

This sounds like a positive move. It would be the wrong decision to put yourself in danger of having a(nother) stress relapse etc. I hope things work out for you and you can enjoy the work you are able to do.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on July 20, 2018, 05:29:12 PM
BB what about harnessing your CPTSD to earn in something where you're self-employed?  I've noticed when looking around for advocacy/awareness items (t-shirts, cups, posters, etc) relating to CPTSD that there isn't much available as yet, perhaps because it is relatively new.  I have seen in my meanderings around the net though that businesses like CafePress do offer opportunities to design and produce this kind of thing - see https://www.cafepress.com/cp/info/sell/?refId=30.

Just a thought  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on July 20, 2018, 08:33:27 PM
No really, Kizzie, it's not lack of ideas or opportunities. The difficulties sit way deeper. That's why I've finally accepted my official health status "not fit for the normal job market" but am keeping going with my self-employed status in a minor way. I can't deal with stress and pressure and starting up in another field would involve stress and pressure.

In my country you can have the status "not fit for own profession" (meaning you could train for something else or just do some job or other) or you can have the status "not fit for the normal job market". The latter is what I have and have had since day one. There really is a reason for it. It's conceivable that my employment status might improve a bit, if I leave the pressure off for a good long time, semi-indefinitely basically. Because once I think to myself: "Maybe I'll be back on my feet and capable of working in this situation and that in two years", then the pressure's back. Other people might manage to not turn that into pressure but I'm not "other people".

Thank you Kalmer, those are really good wishes. :)   Enjoying the work I am capable of means staying in the moment and noticing what I'm doing, really aware of what I'm doing and how well I'm doing it. Yeah, another stress relapse wouldn't be a good thing. I've allowed myself far too many of those already.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on July 22, 2018, 04:20:52 PM
OK BB, got it finally  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on July 22, 2018, 05:08:24 PM
 ;D  Kizzie
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Contessa on July 27, 2018, 10:23:03 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on July 20, 2018, 08:33:27 PM
It's conceivable that my employment status might improve a bit, if I leave the pressure off for a good long time, semi-indefinitely basically. Because once I think to myself: "Maybe I'll be back on my feet and capable of working in this situation and that in two years", then the pressure's back.

Perfect way of expressing that. I identify completely
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on October 12, 2018, 07:06:45 PM
Almost 3 months later and I'm still keeping the pressure off as much as possible.

otoh I'm also improving my advertising a bit for the one type of profession I'm keeping to. This comes as a good surprise!  I feel a large sense of relief that I'm taking a break from the other profession. Also relief that I'm not trying to get any kind of badly paid, low-skills job that would nevertheless be very hard for me due to anxiety, exhaustion, getting on with other people etc.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 08, 2018, 08:49:28 PM
Have sort of accepted some contract work in the other profession, the one I'm supposedly taking a break from :doh:

I suppose deep down I don't want to call it quits. I want to find some way of working freelance in this profession without getting ill again and/or days of EFs. I told the client I'd give him a cost estimate this afternoon. Well it's now this evening and I haven't finished it. The client himself said Friday morning would be fine too, but I know it doesn't look too professional when I say Thursday afternoon but don't act till Friday. I don't like waiting on tenterhooks either, wondering if a client is really going to get back to me, and when one doesn't, I pretty automatically come to some conclusions about that person. Often as not, it's just "OK, inexperienced member of the public" rather than "unreliable (small) business owner". But I look more like the latter.

However, at least I recognise my behaviour pattern. Putting off completing cost estimate. I'd really like somebody to come and do it for me, including the client. But that's not being very responsible towards myself. After all, the client doesn't know how much effort goes into this type of work and he has already said he's on a shoe-string budget, well at least for this part of the project.

The advantages for me on working on this one-year project would be very small amounts of work with no quick turn-around, which is unusual in this branch in this day and age. Usually clients want twice the amount done yesterday or ten times the amount by the end of the week, neither of which I can manage.

I am worried about underselling myself more than is necessary. But then I recognised ICr in the form of M and B1, but especially M being disparaging about my getting minimum wage jobs as a student. At that time I was delighted to get any job, especially as I had to look for weeks every summer. B1 in comparison got way better jobs at way better pay. And then M and B1 would go onto disparaging me for my non-ability to negotiate for better pay. The descriptors "loser" and "failure" tended to be bandied about in respect to me and I believed them too for the most part. So, yes, now I understand at a deeper level why I put off completing my cost estimate.

Once I complete the cost estimate and get it agreed to, I then have to actually buckle down and do the work. That may sound obvious but I don't think that's always obvious to all parts of me. Well, mini steps forward in noticing what's going on.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Three Roses on November 08, 2018, 08:56:34 PM
Quotemini steps forward in noticing what's going on.

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Many (mini? :bigwink:) steps make a journey.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 09, 2018, 12:55:24 PM
I didn't get up till noon, a sure bad sign. But in the end after talking to the person in question I agreed to doing the first part of the work. The price I set was obviously a bit too low even because then he said he'd up it a bit.  ;D I ended up laughing while writing that bit. I tend to undersell myself. But then sometimes I decide to be assertive and demand a better price and go way too high and lose a potential client.  :stars:

However this time it's heartening to see that the client is not acting the way FOO especially M often predicted. "You didn't negotiate (properly), you'll be getting minimum wage." I remember one time she said that, I actually got a bit more than minimum because the company quite simply paid more, even to their summer students. I remember I'd been so happy that I had a job after so much searching, I didn't ask about the wage. It's too long ago for me to know why not, but thinking back maybe I didn't dare or maybe I didn't really care - having a job at all was the main thing. That's not what FOO saw. But I do now.

That's the main thing. How do I see myself and my current decisions. And how looking back do I see myself and the decisions I made? I can re-parent Blueberry as a late teen / early twenties who desperately needed encouragement and praise and got the opposite. There's a saying "It is never too late to have a happy childhood" which I can apply here. It's never too late to do the healing work of treating my Inner Teen, Inner Young Adult better than FOO did.

Wow! Two more requests for work have just come in and I also have to get ready for my afternoon client. Today things are looking up!!  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 09, 2018, 03:01:17 PM
Going forward with one of the requests, won't be taking on the other. I'm being good to myself when I turn something down because it would be too much of a struggle. I'd much rather suggest the client tries a colleague or two. Other people in my branch might do a cost estimate and then find a freelance colleague to complete the work and take a cut. It's legitimate but it's far too much stress for me. I don't even want to think about it. So I just pass work on.

One of the colleagues I pass on to sometimes helps me with a minor question for free in return. So long as I'm content with this state of affairs, especially if I consider the alternative, it's none of ICr's business!! ICr is internalised FOO. They can all take a hike. They are certainly getting quieter. I am allowing them less rent-free space in my head and emotions.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: PeTe on November 09, 2018, 07:33:18 PM
Hi Blueberry. Seems like you've created some breathing space for yourself, and now you're searching for what's a nice balance. Sounds like good thing  :) I remember quitting my Master's thesis after years of struggling, and how well that felt. I was able to start doing other things quite fast. Seems like you're finding your motivation in the different kinds of work you do.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Three Roses on November 09, 2018, 08:55:27 PM
Hi, PeTe!  :wave:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: PeTe on November 10, 2018, 09:29:36 AM
Hi Three Roses!  :wave: Sorry for temporarily hijacking the thread, Blueberry, but I guess it's been a while since last i posted  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 13, 2018, 12:04:11 PM
Quote from: PeTe on November 09, 2018, 07:33:18 PM
Hi Blueberry. Seems like you've created some breathing space for yourself, and now you're searching for what's a nice balance. Sounds like good thing  :) I remember quitting my Master's thesis after years of struggling, and how well that felt. I was able to start doing other things quite fast. Seems like you're finding your motivation in the different kinds of work you do.

Thanks for your validation :) Yes, I'm still working on finding a balance. I don't think in my case that things will move particularly fast, but I'm happy for you that it worked out that way. However, things will get unclogged at least and I will be able to move forward at all, for a while until something else clogs. That's big for me.

PeTe, it's good to see you back on the boards, though of course if you've been away IRL getting on with healing or life in general, that's even better.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 13, 2018, 12:48:16 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on November 08, 2018, 08:49:28 PM
Have sort of accepted some contract work in the other profession, the one I'm supposedly taking a break from :doh:

I suppose deep down I don't want to call it quits. I want to find some way of working freelance in this profession without getting ill again and/or enduring days of EFs.

Since Monday I even have two contracts in this profession. One is actually editing but making corrections in this job includes some translation. The editing I can manage better than translation, but it's still difficult. The very fact that I'm putting off doing it tells me a lot. When I'm preparing my tutoring so long as I'm not sitting in an EF, I almost joyfully get on with it. Creative ideas for this or that student pop up... Not so for translation. I really have to push myself. Not surprising it's so hard since I do have a motto "Should is never good for me" (and 'must' is even worse).

So I'm learning to mindfully notice what deeper levels of me say, they're saying "No" to translation atm, except in a few very select cases. There are reasons for this! Very late last night I did EFT on "I love and accept myself even though I can't translate at the moment". It seems much harder for me to accept this than when I accepted that I can't and don't want to teach groups any more. I noticed the stress of handling people in a group is just way too much for me, just stresses me so much, it's not worth it. It also stresses me so much I get ill. The stress caused by translation - well, it's presumably a full-blown amygdala hijack the way my brain goes on strike after a sentence or two. I think the stress still goes inwards, into brain-blockage, blank brain whereas the stress of teaching a group of people does go outwards to a degree, into anger/annoyance.

OK, now I understand the difference. I don't want to teach groups anymore, I still want to translate despite the harm it does to me. I think the struggle does harm my brain in some way. cptsd is a brain injury and I think pushing myself further than I'm able (which is pretty obviously the case when I have to give my brain a break after a sentence or even a couple of words) is likely to at least not help, but possibly even exacerbate the injury. Fits of course, I am a self-harmer. Mini steps, still continuing to notice.


Quote from: Blueberry on November 08, 2018, 08:49:28 PM
Once I complete the cost estimate and get it agreed to, I then have to actually buckle down and do the work. That may sound obvious but I don't think that's always obvious to all parts of me.

This, too. It seems that once I've gone through the difficult process of cost estimate and getting it accepted plus very elementary steps in beginning the translating like scanning it and 'filing' in the appropriate place on my computer, it feels like enough work for payment. Of course objectively speaking it's not, but that doesn't hinder how deeper feeling parts of me react to the situation. So, it's too much. It's too early.      :pissed: M and B1 appear in my head. But at least that tells me there is some connection between them or their part of my ICr and this topic.

Decision: As hard as it is - I need to refuse all translations except criminal records with no entries (because they are very easy for me ;D) I need to continue my break from translation. I do realise that it's too early to embark on translating children's literature which is still a dream of mine. And here, I can forgive and accept myself that it is the case. But not with other translations. Now that I've written about it - that might help, might be a stepping stone on way to acceptance and self-forgiveness.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Contessa on November 14, 2018, 11:46:07 PM
Ah BB! I might be behind the times on this one, but now I understand what particular work you have been writing about. Translating seems like a mentally intense job, and I can understand taking a break from accepting work in that area.

Glad you're keeping a foot in with criminal records. I'm sure that by limiting the work and building back up with small comfortable steps, you'll in actual fact be translating children's books before you know it. Much faster than if you accepted and pushed ahead with a challenge. I think you're doing great! Keep at it x
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: PeTe on November 17, 2018, 04:49:54 PM
Thanks Blueberry. I guess I've focused on functioning at work, and have succeeded in that (thoguh I'm still working reduced). Now I feel that my free-time is my biggest problem, and I have to focus more on myself and my feelings again. Guess I needed to come back here  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: thetruth on November 20, 2018, 09:40:09 AM
Post under review by author!!  :heythere:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on November 20, 2018, 10:28:54 PM
Oops :doh: I see I made the decision last year too.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 07, 2017, 06:26:48 PM
My T also said that my acceptance of my own inability to work in the field I've stopped working in will free up so much energy. I recognised myself that I'd been fighting for years to keep going. "Inability" isn't even the right word. Partly it's unwillingness, but in a good way. I'm unwilling to do something that is mentally so strenuous because of all the psychological stuff going on. All the FOO sentences causing so much self-doubt and leading to continuous self-harm while I'm working. The cognitive ability is there. Clients and previous employers praise (d) my results but have no idea of the cost to me personally to produce the work. They have noticed that it can take quite a long time for me to finish the work, that it's hard for me to meet deadlines, but the mental and psychological cost - there they have no idea! I do though. And it's been my decision to take a long break, possibly forever.

For some reason I have trouble sticking to it. Topic for T tomorrow, methinks.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on December 06, 2018, 04:08:13 PM
Today an acquaintance and potential client came by to ask if I could work on a pretty long project for him. Well, at least it's long by my standards. Interesting subject matter and I feel tempted but I took my time to let the "No" come up through my feelings rather than just being a cognitive thing. Then it was easy to turn the project down with no regrets.

I was able to explain to him why a different translator would be better and even found a potential one through my professional association. I also explained some things to him about the profession, pitfalls to look out for etc. He has no hard feelings that I said 'no, thanks" and I feel good about my decision.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Three Roses on December 06, 2018, 04:49:32 PM
Well done!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 18, 2018, 09:08:22 PM
Good news blueberry and i can relate .
Coming to the place of accepting that i can't outrun this condition when it comes to work has been a relief too.

Quote
it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure.

Also with the realisation of having a disability this has led me to start letting myself of the 'social and employment hook more and concentrate on getting my needs met. Disability Im learning needs compassion and kindness and we deserve that. Exhaustion is exhausting .
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on February 21, 2019, 05:26:05 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on June 20, 2018, 08:53:52 AM
Yesterday in my therapy session I decided officially and finally to stop trying to get a 'normal' P/T job in the 'normal' workforce, with an employer. After 17 years struggling in therapy and work-onself between times to recover enough to support myself in the medium-term or even long-term, I have decided that a) it's not going to happen in the medium-term and b) it's just not worth the price I pay in exhaustion and in pressure. Now that I've made this decision, I can literally feel the pressure falling away. I feel e.g. that no, I won't need to pay for a healing retreat in August just so as I can keep going.  This strenuous "keep-going" was keeping going not with life but with life not accepting my disability as such.
From the very beginning of this thread.

So now that the pressure has been somewhat better off for a good long while, I notice that I'm not actually quite through with employment. Also working a few hours per day at the yoga centre in January showed me I actually am capable of some work other than my freelance work, under certain conditions.

Today I tried out working at a farm shop, not the farm I usually help out at, but one that's connected to it - so I know all the products. It went well. I was in the shop 3 hours, although there weren't customers non-stop. Of course I wasn't super-fast but I did manage to operate the weigh-scale cum cash registry and handle the change. Beyond that, I had to learn a few basic things like making coffee. But it was easy. The necessary number of little scoops is written on the tin, so I don't have to memorise it all and there's nobody in the background (from the farm) asking 'why on earth don't you know that'.

Atm there are only 2 people resident on the farm with the shop. They took it in turns to work with me or to be available for me to call to. They said they were both happy with how I worked. Such a change to when I tried a job at the farmer's market 1 or 2 years ago! I was so confused and felt out of my depth though apparently it didn't really show but I felt it.  The way they taught me at the market was very bad - they didn't bother showing me the ropes e.g. with the weigh-scale cum cash registry until it was really busy and then I couldn't learn fast enough, which stressed me out and I went into an EF and didn't have the means of getting out again. 

So it just shows me what a difference when people bother to teach me properly ;D

I had a request for a translation today and a couple of days ago too. It didn't take much thinking on my part to turn both down :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on February 21, 2019, 07:38:00 PM
 :cheer:  Glad it went well.   :thumbup:    You're absolutely correct about it mattering how others help you to learn, you're each half of the equation  :yes:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on February 27, 2019, 08:18:22 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 21, 2019, 05:26:05 PM
So now that the pressure has been somewhat better off for a good long while, I notice that I'm not actually quite through with employment. Also working a few hours per day at the yoga centre in January showed me I actually am capable of some work other than my freelance work, under certain conditions.

I've been in an EF for a little while and at least part of it is employment-related.

It is good that I'm allowing myself a re-think on my decision of last June, which was to give up looking for p/t employment beyond what I do freelance. However I do notice atm a certain amount of pressure building up and also of course quite simply 'topics' resurfacing. Quite obviously the trauma I endured at the hands of FOO had a terrible effect on my ability to work for pay and so when I'm reconsidering, memories resurface, my ICr. is having a pretty good time. I'm countering ICr.'s comments, but this is pretty strenuous. I've had the feeling over the past few days that I'm giving up and not moving forwards.

Today I realised: I could do with a break before any change in employment status and also before I take on Little Furries for 4-10 weeks. Looked about to see if there are any therapy long weekends in near future: no. Then I thought about one of those yoga places again - not the one where I had problems with Narc Woman in January but a different one, geographically closer. I've just attempted to register and I'll see in a few hours whether they still have space at the end of next week. It would actually be a holiday and not working p/t for them. So all those yoga advantages: healthy food, exercise daily, singing. I would do it all because it's there and you have to do the yoga exercises, meditate, sing etc anyway. The food is all prepared so of course I eat it and not some junk.

One of the reasons I decided to give up looking for p/t work was that it seems I then need expensive T workshops to manage, but yoga workshops are actually cheaper and more importantly I'm not OK with standing still in my healing. I actually want to move forwards and attempting to get back on the normal job market is helping me move forwards, whether or not I in the end find my way back into the normal workforce. For myself though, I need to attempt it.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on February 27, 2019, 11:57:28 AM
I went to an unemployment 'circle' this morning that I haven't been to for months and spoke about my new thoughts and then on the way home I briefly spoke to the owner of the local shop who offerred me p/t employment.

I managed to pinpoint her on how many hours a week she's thinking of - just 2 half days would be enough and she also said I should go ahead with the farm shop in August in addition if I want because "we can deal with that". So now that I have more clarity, I don't feel as if I'm about to collapse again. I can also deal with the yoga place saying they're full up in the time I could get away.

Obviously people will say that you should get clarity, take the steps and ask. But of course there are reasons back in my childhood trauma and continuing trauma that make it really difficult for me to get clarity. Especially with future employers. But it is getting better :) :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on February 27, 2019, 08:12:06 PM
It sounds like you're trying to chart the best path forward while respecting your triggers and degree/type of recovery/healing you've had and want BB, and that you are figuring things out so kudos.   :thumbup:  and   :applause: 

Sorry you had an EF though, they suck. That being said, I've come to see that mine let me know what I still need to work on. (They still suck though  ;D).   :hug:

Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on February 28, 2019, 08:14:05 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on February 27, 2019, 08:12:06 PM
It sounds like you're trying to chart the best path forward while respecting your triggers and degree/type of recovery/healing you've had and want BB, and that you are figuring things out so kudos.   :thumbup:  and   :applause: 

Thanks! :)   A fair explanation of what's going on atm.

I was working in the farm shop again today, as a trial still. I noticed quite a number  of 'topics' to work on - Screen Processing, or with T, or maybe with my idea of occupational therapy. I thought I worked less well today than last week, especially serving and the till and so on. I did some very necessary cleaning. I have quite a good eye for that now - partially due to the yoga holiday work in January and partially due to working alongside somebody at the other farm who has to do thorough cleaning as he goes. He cleans before things even look dirty. I don't in my apartment, my apartment is a disaster atm, but when you're working with food, in places where there could be inspections then you have to be more particular. That won't come as a surprise to many people on here.

This is one of the 'topics'. There is part of me that wants to draw back and not touch things or if touch then like from far away or only with thumb and forefinger. The rest of me is shrieking "eek, eek, let's get away / let me out of here". Not the first time I've felt this way. I feel I'm slowly getting further into the feelings, closer to discovering what the original problem or the connection is. My T teaches me not to leap straight into feelings because that tends to overwhelm me and trigger me badly.

They're going to decide next week at a farm meeting whether to employ me in August. My gut feeling is that they won't. Atm I feel quite OK about that. I'm just not sure that I would manage, i.e. I'm really unsure that I would.

The yoga place is totally full up for paying guests, but I can go there for those 5 days working 3 hours a day. That feels good to me atm. Last time in January I made all sorts of progress, despite Narc Women, so I'm sure I will this time too. There won't necessarily be a Narc there, I hope not. But even if there is, I'm better equipped to deal with it than in January because of having already done so.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on March 01, 2019, 05:11:28 PM
The whole employment issue was difficult for me also so I understand to some extent what you're going through. It's just a minefield for so many of us so thanks for sharing as you work through all of this. It's good to see your progress.  :yes:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 01, 2019, 07:06:14 PM
Thanks :)  I definitely am making progress with this topic atm. It wouldn't be counterproductive to do a round of EFT on "Even though I didn't work very well and don't think I'd manage the job, I still love and accept myself" but I don't desperately need to! I am accepting myself :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :) That is real progress for me.

I also have some more ideas on where I could maybe apply, on top of the other shop (non-food) where I've been asked if I could imagine doing a few hours a week as of June, but can try out earlier. I think it's beginning to feel the way it should  - not devastation that something didn't work out and how am I going to survive and all that triggered stuff, but just - OK, then not. What's the next step?

Today I taught a couple of people as usual and then I started sifting through a few piles of paper in my office, throwing some papers out and filing others. I also cleared a bunch of 'debris' off my cork board and binned or filed. It feels as if I've discarded the idea of being employed by the farm and now I've been discarding some things in my office too. Not that there's any obvious connection - the papers are all connected to my professional work. But somehow - some emotional or 'brain path' similarity. Or something.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on March 01, 2019, 10:01:57 PM
Great to hear blueberry self acceptance and self compassion are beautiful gifts to give ourselves .
Well done
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 03, 2019, 02:27:37 PM
Thanks Boatssetsail  :)

Having decided that I won't be trying to get a proper position on the 'other farm', but might like to go there from time to time and help with a few tasks that I'd like to do - well I'm still mulling some of that. I think it is the right decision for a number of reasons. I'll always be able to go to  the farm I regularly work at and as of now the connected one too to do what I want to do (as opposed to maybe what they desperately need someone for) in my own time, without rushing.

My idea of working at the 'other farm' came about partly because of my helpful instinct. I discovered they're short of people and one suggestion was to reduce opening times at the farm shop or even close it on certain days. That's not a good idea because a lot of people discover the place walking past on hikes. It is a little cafe too, not just the shop. Fewer opening hours, less profit. I thought I could help out. I don't think now after trying it out that I'm the right person for the job or that the job is the right one for me. However, I note my impulse to try out different work, different workplace with different people. Just 2 days of that was good. There is work I could do in the summer which wouldn't be in the shop, like in the greenhouse or on the vegetable and flower plot which they would show me how to do. Not for pay but for my usual - board and lodging, which is mostly food to take home actually. Both farms are actually in lovely surroundings but the second one I don't know so well because I'm not there so often. So for me it would be like a little working holiday. In the warmer months there's a lovely pond nearby you can swim in.

They actually need somebody to clean behind the counter in the shop more regularly, though I'm not sure if they realise that. Doing that would actually be good for me, so it would be a win-win situation!
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on March 03, 2019, 06:41:45 PM
Wow, that sounds lovely BB, especially swimming in the pond :yes: 
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on March 10, 2019, 10:24:29 AM
Fabulous ....inspirational relationship between self care and working actions.
I love being out of the ' rat race and the must do shoulds do's.
Out door swimming can be so healing blessed .
I am also looking to volunteer one afternoon a week on a farm learning more about growing veggies etc exciting
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 18, 2019, 10:38:37 PM
I'm still floundering around with this.

I accepted a multi-part translation job for an acquaintance. It looks pretty easy but actually it's not. Some of the 'not' is to do with word-processing and tables more than anything else. I tend to flounder around in those. But wasn't I stopping this translation work altogether, except for one particular type of document not in this particular job? Yeah, well, always changing my mind on this. Or getting sucked back into it, no doubt.

I've been avoiding getting out of bed for days because of this hanging over me. As I wrote further up thread: it's just not worth it in terms of energy expended. When I do finally get out of bed and stay out, I find all manner of things to do to avoid getting on with my work. Today I even went and bought addiction food. After that i did finally get on with my translation. I really honestly don't know how much of this is cptsd-related and how much is based on years of practice of not getting on with things. Though that in itself started in childhood and is certainly connected to general FOO dysfunction.

I wanted to check some stuff on my professional association forum but I've forgotten my password and haven't so far had the energy or something - courage maybe - to click on the button to ask for a new one. I'm ashamed, even though I don't even have to engage with a person about it.

Well, at least I have started the job now, finally :applause: :thumbup:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 19, 2019, 05:43:28 AM
After having given up the idea of working in the farm-shop, I haven't been back to the other farm since and in a way I'm missing it. I could've gone on Friday actually but I decided I should get on with my translation instead. I didn't though, not at all! I stayed in bed most of the day, so it would actually have been much more useful to go to the farm. NTS.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on March 19, 2019, 06:42:21 PM
I find when I procrastinate it's often b/c I am telling myself I should do something. I think my teen self then plants her heels and lets me know if I go ahead with the should thing she is going to make it difficult (and she does).   :Idunno:   

In the spirit of befriending my parts I am becoming more cognizant of her wishes these days and I do try not to get as caught up in as many "shoulds" as I used to (and there were a lot so she was not being unreasonable).  It sounds like you're very aware of turning the volume down on the "shoulds" too.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on March 19, 2019, 08:35:59 PM
I can relate decisions send me to bed too ... For me i think its the young girl just gets overwhelmed ...compassion and gentle actions work best . 
Example ' ok little one we can watch this film and then we.will get up and do a little xyz and then do.something else fun . .
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 19, 2019, 10:17:35 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on March 19, 2019, 08:35:59 PM
...compassion and gentle actions work best . 
Example ' ok little one we can watch this film and then we.will get up and do a little xyz and then do.something else fun .

You're right. I used to act the way you're suggesting far more often, including talking directly to an internal LO.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 27, 2019, 09:40:34 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on March 19, 2019, 06:42:21 PM
I do try not to get as caught up in as many "shoulds" as I used to (and there were a lot so she was not being unreasonable). 

Yes, same for me. There were a lot of shoulds and there are undoubtedly still too many, even though I have reduced them.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on March 27, 2019, 09:48:43 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on March 18, 2019, 10:38:37 PM
I accepted a multi-part translation job for an acquaintance. It looks pretty easy but actually it's not. Some of the 'not' is to do with word-processing and tables more than anything else. I tend to flounder around in those. But wasn't I stopping this translation work altogether, except for one particular type of document not in this particular job? Yeah, well, always changing my mind on this. Or getting sucked back into it, no doubt.

:yeahthat: NTS

It's really useful that I have this thread on here. I come back to read it often. I received a translation enquiry today. The potential client is dropping by tomorrow to show me the documents. I did say I might pass them on to another freelancer. Having read in here as well as looked at my calendar and thought about the number of written applications etc. I actually want to do over the next week, as well as those that just plain need to be done, there is no way I should be taking this translation on.

"Getting sucked back into it" - simply 'somebody needs me' or as also in this case 'a lawyer I know passed my name onto the  potential client' so somehow I feel I 'should' do the work otherwise I'm letting the lawyer down?? or something. Not quite sure what's going on with that bit, not quite feeling it. It'll probably come clear in a day or two.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on April 15, 2019, 04:12:41 PM
It's about a month later and I'm on my second multi-part translation job. I don't even feel that I'm floundering as much as with the previous one in March, so that's progress :) The other progress both times is that I've taken on more than 2 pages. My limit was 2 pages per contract for quite a while - over a year at least, several years in fact I think. Between contracts I needed several weeks' break from translating, though I could get on with other things after maybe about a day's break. In my first multi-part translation job in March, I needed to take several days' break mid-contract. That's not the case here either! A few hours, yes, but that's a lot different from a few days! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Something seems to be healing somewhere in my brain, emotions or not sure where exactly :cheer:

I'm also once again discovering little things in word-processing which make my work a bit easier :cheer: These are things which I quite simply do not have the mental and emotional energy to dare to do, to simply approach when idk exactly my brain isn't up to it / my brain is dealing with too much cptsd, or something.

So it all makes sense now that the decision I first posted about upthread has not ended up being a final, irrevocable decision.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on May 03, 2019, 03:54:49 PM
There seem to be more blockages unblocking :) Often small things - small items or scraps of paper I can throw out after all. Feeling the motivation to amalgamate scraps of potentially useful information in a computer file, where I will actually be able to find them. That entails wanting to be able to find them so that I can do particular types of work. For, ahem, years I knew I should amalgamate this type of information which is why I kept it, but if you're on the verge of giving up your profession, why amalgamate? Now I would say I'm suddenly getting a bit more decisive about it. Also I couldn't amalgamate before. It's like not being able to file things in the proper place. There are probably more times than not when I just can't do so. Or at least up until now there have been. Maybe even that is changing?

Some larger things:  I generally find the field of business as a subject area singularly boring and also incomprehensible. Not my thing. My mind goes blank. Even if I research a bit, I don't seem to be able to retain the information. I have a new adult student who works in quality control. I'm able to teach her, so far anyway. I don't dread the lessons. I have a potential new adult student who is in higher level management. Not that long ago, I would have said that me and business don't mix and he'd be better off finding somebody else. Today, I looked at his company's website and thought: I can do this. I have offered him a trial appointment next week.  :thumbup:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Three Roses on May 03, 2019, 03:58:17 PM
Wow! Great news, BB!  :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on May 03, 2019, 04:02:02 PM
Thanks  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on May 24, 2019, 11:17:47 AM
I'm supposedly doing another translation and finding it difficult to get on with. Though I'm actually finding it difficult to get on with lots of different things atm too, like phoning my landlord. That could be connected to having a cold and me generally feeling not too well and/or lacking energy. Or it could be connected to processing going on internally on FOO issues. Yes, so, it might not be a 'work' issue at all.

A couple of days ago I started work on the translation and figured out some further word-processing stuff I need to be able to do. :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Not Alone on May 24, 2019, 02:32:51 PM
Sounds like you're having one of those days when everything is hard. I so get that! When I have things that really need to get done, I set small goals. Sometimes I work on it for 15 minutes and I set a timer. A couple of days ago I had an area that I needed to clean. I was really overwhelmed. I asked myself, "Can you take this one box downstairs?" Yes, and then other boxes followed. Baby steps with a lot of self-care and compassion.  :)  :hug:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on May 24, 2019, 08:23:03 PM
You're right notalone, that's the kind of way I try to act too when things are really difficult. Take the compost down into the garden, wash one mug, congratulate myself for putting my dirty plate over by the sink instead of leaving it on the table. Thanks for the reminder about those baby steps.  :hug:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 05, 2019, 09:57:27 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on July 28, 2019, 07:38:10 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on March 20, 2019, 02:30:30 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 23, 2018, 09:51:44 PM
Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  :fallingbricks: But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late.

Ditto. Have to push through.

Actually I'm not even sure I have to push through. Apart from the fact that 'have to' often doesn't work and certainly isn't today. I could throw in the towel on this piece of contract work. Of course the client won't be too happy but I can give them the option of finding somebody else or waiting till Friday AM. I can also say I've been ill today. How else can you label an EF (or just putting off and putting off) for someone without cptsd?
...

The money I'd get is just not worth it for the amount of SH and eating disorder I've been doing since yesterday.

Just copied this from a different Employment thread of mine. I've been reading back in various of my Employment threads, partially looking for those posts of "Should have declined." I got offered a 5 page translation contract today. Partially I leap at the chance though knowing it's maybe not the best idea. Work-wise I do have capacity, but there are lots of other things - including really important things - I need to get on with tomorrow. Already done some today, but there are more to tackle. Saturday is a day I often can't work very well for some reason. Sunday eve heading to the farm till Monday eve and that would just leave Tuesday to complete this contract job and get it into the post by 6 pm. Too much stress for me. It's not worth it. Before starting the job, I have to set a price which in itself feels like work to me.

So instead of sitting there on Saturday thinking to myself "Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined.", I'm going to decline now.  :yes:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Snowdrop on September 06, 2019, 04:31:46 AM
 :applause:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 06, 2019, 06:58:10 AM
Actually overnight I came up with a different solution: Ask the company for help with the kind of stuff I tie myself in knots with including the price. I've just spoken to them and they're agreeable to helping me with two computer / word-processing things and were also willing to give me a price. I accepted their price, just adding post & packaging to it, which they agreed with.

I feel overwhelmingly relieved. I've written about this before - just judging my costs and deciding on a price to set exhausts me no end. By the time I've done it, it feels so much like work to me that I need a break of a day or more to even start the translation itself. Now, instead, I feel good, well-grounded and empowered. I managed a successful negotiation!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

There is this very small appearance of ICr. (my M) with "you should have haggled for a higher price. He was expecting you to do so :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: Now he knows he can take advantage next time :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: But the voice is very much in the background. And I know that this voice is WRONG! Expressly using loud voice to that ICr. and it's working! Inner image of M - she's turned away, hasn't left yet, but that will come.

They still have to get back to the client and see if the client agrees. In the meantime I feel I can lay the case to rest till I hear back from them and I can get on with those other things I need to do this morning :yes:  :)

I did do some things yesterday too, including inquiring whether I could still get a free spot at a teaching seminar. That too - I couldn't figure it out on the website and I'd not got round to inquiring for 2-3 weeks because it is so much psychological effort. But I did yesterday :thumbup: :applause: and now I have a spot :cheer: 

NTS: This is all huge progress. :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Snowdrop on September 06, 2019, 07:05:23 AM
Wow. Yes, this sounds like a massive step forward. Well done you!  :waveline:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 06, 2019, 10:17:46 AM
Thank you for validating, Snowdrop  :)

_________________________

The client accepted and I've got the job. Between the notification email and my confirmation of receipt, I had to figure out a few new computer things (new to me) and I managed all that as well. :) :cheer: I do notice tension in my guts and fear. It's mindful of me to be pausing to take note of this and it would definitely be beneficial for me to work through it a bit with EFT or something before continuing. I'm already yawning without the EFT so there's obviously 'something' going on.  :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 06, 2019, 11:32:03 AM
I did go off and do my EFT, often a thing I put off so :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I did a few rounds with normal sentences: I accept and forgive / accept and love myself although... That worked - lots of yawning etc. But then an inspiration when going on to a new sentence. Not the bulky "I accept, love and forgive myself for being able to figure out the computer stuff" but simply "Congratulations on figuring out the computer stuff" 3 times through and I yawned like crazy. My T has been working with me to use both EFT and Screen Processing for reinforcing the Good as well as toning down the Bad. But I'm not sure how effective reinforcing the Good has been. Last time it brought up a few too many hobgoblins, this one seems to have been far more productive. Now I'm tired, but it's because I'm processing.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Tee on September 06, 2019, 09:24:35 PM
 :cheer: :hug:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Not Alone on September 07, 2019, 01:02:45 AM
Big steps, great progress.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 07, 2019, 09:25:34 AM
Thanks  :)
____________________________________
Well, I've been working on it for a couple of hours but I notice my concentration is deteriorating so I need a break.

Recently somebody who works with adults with a range of disabilities and illnesses who I came across privately gave me a slightly different perspective on the work I do. She said that my goal maybe isn't to be a successful businesswoman in the normal sense but to allow myself to grow with my work and use the abilities and creativity that I have. I'm not sure that I'm explaining it very well. Sort of like not banning myself from translation or teaching because I can't work quickly and efficiently enough (yet) to earn a decent hourly wage. Instead: See the good both do for me and allow  myself to do them anyway. It feels much less stressful already! And I'm actually enjoying doing the necessary terminology research without worrying about it being time-consuming  :)  :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Three Roses on September 07, 2019, 12:49:34 PM
I love it when someone says something so illuminating, that helps me see things from a new angle! Awesome!  :hug:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Jazzy on September 07, 2019, 11:56:57 PM
That's great Blueberry! I second that, for sure. Work to improve, and be happy with yourself, not to meet "standards". :)
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 09, 2019, 05:28:49 PM
Today has been a bit mixed. I was up and working on the farm by 3 am. I don't usually start till 6, but I'm learning some new things atm so that I can better help when the guy I work with is on holiday in 2 weeks. He's just taking 2 days off but it's a crucial 2 days in the week. He's never ever taken both of them as holiday before, and now he is. Nobody really knows his Monday work off pat. I'm getting more daring in what I just decide to do and practise and I notice I'm getting better at some of my tasks. It's good to be a part of and understand the whole process.

I also notice what jobs I don't think I'll be able to do no matter what. That includes lighting the gas ring. There's something traumatic behind it but I don't know what. Something I can't overcome atm, can't force myself through. I got in touch with a couple of occupational Ts to see if either of them could help me with it, but neither have capacity in the next while. In this kind of case, an occupational T can provide a 'safe setting' for me which then allows me to feel into what my IC or ICs are having problems with and potentially solve the problem or at least work on it by talking the ICs through it. These things have so far been caused by early to mid childhood trauma (so not even teenager) and often the connection isn't obvious. It's not enough for some person or other or even a friend to go through this with me, I really need a professional.

The difficult thing today has been translation. I was too tired by the time I got home to really have a go at it and beyond that I intended to phone the translation agency to ask 2 fairly important questions, but I couldn't face it. Not primarily because I was tired but because asking questions is difficult. I can feel that this difficulty goes back in part to the ridicule I experienced at the hands of FOO when I asked or didn't know something. B1 would guffaw and laugh derisively in a really mean way and nobody stopped him or told him that wasn't on. Of course nobody told me that I wasn't stupid for not knowing things, except one grandmother. But by the time she did, it was too late. I was too far 'gone' to believe anything she said, because my parents put her down behind her back - not educated enough, what would she know. I was steeped too far in the FOO myth that only my nuclear FOO was to be trusted. Sadly enough because they actually were not to be trusted at all.

Anyway, whatever exactly is at the bottom of my problem, it's really difficult to ask for help or even clarification in case I'm being 'stupid' and 'wasting people's time' and also in case of ridicule. There is somebody on my professional forum who tends to harsh responses when he thinks somebody has asked a question they 'ought' to know. That puts me off asking questions on the forum, although I do occasionally. Maybe he's a bit of a Narc  :Idunno:  In this case I need a bit of help from the translation agency because only they have direct contact to the client. I'll have to phone them tomorrow morning, but I'm already stressing a bit about what they're going to think of me - contacting them so late. Theoretically I shouldn't care what they think so long as I get the work finished and shipped on time but I'm not healed enough on this point to not care. At least writing it out has made it clearer and should make it easier to not throw the towel in on translation work.

Anyway, onwards with the actual work.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2019, 11:29:48 AM
Did some more "Congratulations!" EFT today. I'm not exactly panicking over my translation and there's no voice saying "should have declined", but am noticing it's difficult. I did get up the courage to phone the company today and ask a couple of questions :cheer: They weren't stupid questions at all, but very relevant. It took me an hour to get up the courage but I did it. Next time maybe I'll do it faster, having noticed this time that the questions were relevant. In fact one of the questions would be good to ask as soon as contract accepted.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Tee on September 10, 2019, 02:24:13 PM
 :cheer: yeah
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Kizzie on September 10, 2019, 04:18:43 PM
QuoteI still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  :dramaqueen: to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating.

CPTSD really is debilitating and it's yet another huge loss (career) to contend with.  I am so sorry you have had to make this decision my friend, I wish things were different for you and all of us :grouphug:   
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2019, 06:48:26 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on March 18, 2019, 10:38:37 PM
I've been avoiding getting out of bed for days because of this hanging over me. As I wrote further up thread: it's just not worth it in terms of energy expended. When I do finally get out of bed and stay out, I find all manner of things to do to avoid getting on with my work. Today I even went and bought addiction food. After that i did finally get on with my translation. I really honestly don't know how much of this is cptsd-related and how much is based on years of practice of not getting on with things. Though that in itself started in childhood and is certainly connected to general FOO dysfunction.

It hasn't been so bad these past couple of days. Took me a long time to get out of bed on Sunday but I know that is sometimes to prevent myself from overdoing it. Also it was only one day :applause:. I've not been avoiding getting on with my work as much as I used to :thumbup:. My view now is that it is all cptsd-related because undoubtedly the years of practice of not getting on with things originated as a trauma response. 

Today I used some healthy responses to the difficult situation. I went out into the garden a few times as a break. Once I did a little weeding (grounding) and several times I checked what flowers are blooming and sniffed a tall yellow flowering plant called mullein. The bees like it - the scent is slightly intoxicating in a good way.

I had quick prepare food to begin with, that wasn't too unhealthy but later on I bought and ate addictive food. I 'knew' I couldn't continue without that crutch. It's probably even still true that I couldn't.

Then I had a bit of a brainwave: cancel my Wed. afternoon student and hand-deliver translation since I have to travel that direction by train tomorrow anyway. Which was a good idea because I was beginning to panic and the translation was meant to be at the post office 3 hours ago. Isn't even completed yet.

I had a 3 hour sleep, which I obviously needed. Now I'll be working the night shift but I like that anyway.
I also intend to email a professional forum colleague from my region, who's well-versed in this type of terminology and ask her a couple of things. I still don't dare to ask openly on the forum because of some of the snarky responses.

The 3 hour sleep was more a processing sleep than anything I think. I have an idea now that when I don't sleep, there's nothing much to process. When I do sleep there is. Also that it just might be my thing to sleep for a few hours, get on with some things, sleep for a few more hours etc. and that it might be good to accept that rhythm and work with it. Some animals including domestic ones run on that schedule so why not humans too? Or more particularly me?

Translation seemingly brings up a bunch of processing, which can be worthwhile in and of itself, obviously. So it'll just be a question of: how stressful does it get vs how useful. I've wanted to try translating small children's books for a long time and that may be a path I'll try. I would allow myself to not have the big idea of profit in mind first time around but just getting a foot in the door. It is a creative activity and artists and other creative workers don't necessarily earn a lot of money with their first work. In fact probably more the opposite.

It's been useful to write all this out. Now I can go back to the work at hand.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2019, 06:54:01 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on September 10, 2019, 04:18:43 PM
CPTSD really is debilitating and it's yet another huge loss (career) to contend with.  I am so sorry you have had to make this decision my friend, I wish things were different for you and all of us :grouphug:

Thank you for your compassion and understanding  :hug:  The decision on what to do isn't quite set in concrete yet. But even having to mull this back and forth / on and off for years isn't 'normal' for someone my age. It's pretty difficult to contend with, but getting easier, which has a lot to do with all the support and I wise words I get on OOTS (as opposed to my professional forum)!! Thanks everybody  :grouphug:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on September 10, 2019, 07:18:07 PM
I hear you blueberry and others..
I started a 3hr voluntary shift at a pre school today... I feel so stressed out now my poor nervous system is activated ++
It was only half full with kids too..
Ah well I tried..
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 10, 2019, 09:38:57 PM
Yes, Boats, you tried and I'm trying too. Hope you can de-stress and calm your nervous system. I haven't got on with anything since I last posted a couple of hours ago. I'm just doing avoidance though I 'have to' get this stuff done. Not that 'have to' works for me. A round of EFT might be more to the point.

fwiw half a roomful of kids would be super stressful for me. I used to just about manage 5 or 6 of them 6 years old and up. I can't anymore.

You tried Boats. Does that mean you've backed out? Or are you going to try one more time? Just interested. Either approach is viable. Idk what it's going to take for me to back out of translations. I still apparently can't let go  :Idunno: :Idunno:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Not Alone on September 10, 2019, 09:42:13 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on September 10, 2019, 06:48:26 PM
Today I used some healthy responses to the difficult situation. I went out into the garden a few times as a break. Once I did a little weeding (grounding) and several times I checked what flowers are blooming and sniffed a tall yellow flowering plant called mullein. The bees like it - the scent is slightly intoxicating in a good way.
Sounds like a great way to take a break from work that is also grounding.  :cheer:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 11, 2019, 12:58:03 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on September 05, 2019, 09:57:27 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on July 28, 2019, 07:38:10 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on March 20, 2019, 02:30:30 PM
Quote from: Blueberry on February 23, 2018, 09:51:44 PM
Unfortunately, I bit off more than I can chew.  :fallingbricks: But I'm going to have to push through with it anyway. Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined. But I can't now. Too late.

Ditto. Have to push through.

Actually I'm not even sure I have to push through.
...
The money I'd get is just not worth it for the amount of SH and eating disorder I've been doing since yesterday.

Just copied this from a different Employment thread of mine. I've been reading back in various of my Employment threads, partially looking for those posts of "Should have declined." I got offered a 5 page translation contract today. Partially I leap at the chance though knowing it's maybe not the best idea.

So instead of sitting there on Saturday thinking to myself "Should have declined. Should have declined. Should have declined.", I'm going to decline now.  :yes:

Obviously, I didn't decline but it would have been better to do so. Just go back to accepting Criminal Record Checks or small projects where I can still take 4 weeks if I need it (sometimes happens if an acquaintance needs a translation done). I have progressed in healing but just way too much strenuous brain activity and stress (stress of a normal, non-cptsd, kind but still too much) :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on September 11, 2019, 01:37:33 PM
Hi blueberry
Oh yes I'm up there with avoidance and slow... But we do what we can on any given day hey given we live with a brain injury..
I'm not sure at present re trying it again.. I look after a little girl 1 day a wk and I love that and she is brilliant company.
The pre school would really give me the educational side of things so I can update my old training... But I can see I'm just drawing to the familiar of caretaking and control my 2 pulls... I was def repelled yest with how military the environment was.. Basically training our future generations how to conform to the system and it made me realise actually how much that doesn't fit with my value system anymore..
Next stop I'm looking at a volunteer position of 'creative learning assistant' I like the idea of helping out in the arts world..

Take it easy all...
Calmer days take wise choices hey...
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 17, 2019, 09:06:56 PM
It took me a long time to get out of bed today too. I was at the farm where I usually get out of bed fairly easily, for a 6am start or even earlier e.g. 3am this Monday. It was meant to be 3am today too but I didn't get up till about 7am. Oops. When I explored the reason, it was that I don't like the work on Tuesday. It's true, I don't. So probably I shouldn't have volunteered. Although last week I was enjoying learning more about the processes on both Monday and Tuesday. Now my head feels as if it's swimming.

Not for the first time I noticed how it's relatively easy to hear and  see how to do something, but when it comes to actually doing something, it's hard for me to remember and act on all points at once - which can just be a matter of having left hand on one pipe and right hand tipping a container. I felt like a small child and though once I did remember to suggest to an IC that Adult me is responsible for the work and IC could join in as she liked, most of the time I felt as if I was in a fog and standing there like a gigantic question mark of What should I do now? I know that in that state I'm easily pushed around and blamed by people who want to do so. The guy I work with doesn't do that, but he'll be on holiday next week. I guess most of this really ought to be on my Journal.

Anyway this just reminds me that my ability to work on the normal job market (or lack thereof) is not just an issue of one type of work over another, but much more subtle and complex.
Title: Re: Decision
Post by: Blueberry on September 18, 2019, 12:51:26 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on September 11, 2019, 01:37:33 PM
Oh yes I'm up there with avoidance and slow... But we do what we can on any given day hey given we live with a brain injury..
I'm not sure at present re trying it again.. I look after a little girl 1 day a wk and I love that and she is brilliant company.

Next stop I'm looking at a volunteer position of 'creative learning assistant' I like the idea of helping out in the arts world..

Thanks for the reminder on doing what we can, considering we're living with a brain injury.

It sounds as if you know what isn't good for you and you leave that :thumbup:  And you know what's good for you and you do it.  :thumbup: Like looking after the little girl and going to try 'creative learning assistant' :)
Title: Re: Decision - Part A
Post by: Kizzie on October 27, 2020, 05:25:43 PM
Hi All  :heythere:

I've locked and split off this topic because it's gone past 5 pages.  See "Decision Part B" (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13870.0) if you want to continue posting under BB's topic.