Out of the Storm

Development of CPTSD in Adulthood => Causes => General Discussion => Topic started by: jamesG.1 on July 08, 2018, 08:08:01 AM

Title: It's finished!
Post by: jamesG.1 on July 08, 2018, 08:08:01 AM
Well that's it chaps... the business is over. I'm out.

blimey... what a difference in only 2 days.

Just spending even a small amount of time fixing things, making overdue connections and cleaning up my laptop - and I'm transformed. Working my way through my archives getting stuff ready to go on the photo libraries and other sites.. Good task when I'm dissociating, it can be done without too much brain power, more a persistence job.

What the * was I doing with my life all these years? *'s bells! Vast amounts of work on these hard drives and yet I have nothing to show for it all. Mind-boggling. It's all in my ex's house, my mum's casket and my darling brother's voodoo playbox. My biz partner? I dunno. Now I know the cause of his behaviour is down to a sick parent he neglected to tell me about, I'm easing up on him in my head a bit, but really, the man is an utter workaholic. Because we were so integrated, that meant that I was too, simply by default. I had no choice in the matter. It's been exhausting and draining and coming right on the heels of all my misadventures, it's been an absolute pig. It's cost me thousands... tens of thousands. As has the late mother, my ex and award-winningly narcissistic brother.

I have a feeling without a name, a sort of resignation and defiance blend with an impatience and a desire not to waste time debating the details a second longer than possible. What's done is done. What is important now is that I have a measure of control back and can make decisions based upon my own needs and abilities.

My life was owned.

It isn't now.

So, the first thing now is to simply recover for a few months as I wait to see how my head behaves as the PTSD fades. Financially I'm covered and I've mothballed my credit card while I await my flight path. Have to say that the credit card people have been amazing. Totally understanding. Welfare won't kick in til I've burned through the final fees which should take about three months, during which I will be concentrating on uploading my images to photo libraries. Writing will follow on in due course.  It's quite an opportunity.

Despite all that, the welfare thing can't be too long and drawn out or I'll stagnate. If I get even a basic 9-5 job, I'll be quid's in, because once I combine that with the book sales and a small amount of freelancing, I start to accumulate very quickly. It's all down to stamina and dissociation.

The dissociation is a pig, it can kick in out of the blue and does not seem to follow obvious patterns I can predict or plan for. I'm getting better at working with it and around it, saving some tasks for when it's rampant and going with it  when my head is clear. It's very, very hard to explain it, and if I get rid of it for a day, I can actually find it hard to remember what it's like. As I have it right now I'll try. It's a sort of headache feeling without pain. A thickness, or tightness matched with sudden fatigue and an utter inability to focus. If it made me crash and sleep it would be a something, instead it seems to keep me awake at the same time as I'm comatose, so I get to experience the boredom and frustration which, as everyone tells me, feeds the bloody thing. Hydration and inflammation seem to be a very big part of it tho, so I've been experimenting with taking naproxen when I feel it coming on, together with copious water. These things are so vague tho, so you can't really conduct proper controlled tests because the conditions are so variable. We are in the middle of a heatwave here at the moment, and that's really causing water loss, but that's at the same time as work ends and I get control back, so there's no real way to be sure what's happening.

Alcohol is now a very reduced factor in all this. It's a classic PTSD response and it really does lift the dissociation, no question, so it's no surprise people lean on it. But I've been very anti the bloody stuff even when I was doing it. My new town is a good move on that point. The pubs are ghastly and full of the sort of people you'd cross eight lanes of rush hour traffic to avoid. The shaved Morlock look is very big here. I am also very wary of drinking alone at home anyway, always have been, so when I do it I usually feel rubbish about it, and over time that has started to turn all that around. I think too, that my ambition over the writing is now bigger than any desire to get plastered with a bottle of cheap wine. C-PTSD is quite a handicap if you want to write and produce and market etc etc, and I am blowed if I wasn't anything to be dragging me down now that I'm free to let rip. Plus the costs! Absurd. I've got very good with my food costs and eat healthy and cheap. I can live all week on 10 quid of vegetables, but two bottles of wine and bingo, hello Mr carrot.

I've needed some space to consider all this tho. Part of the work enigma has been the way it just swamps everything including the ability to manage even basic admin and household stuff. I kid you not, I have washed and rewashed clothes again and again because I haven't had time to hang them. I literally get dragged off the toilet seat to work. It's been insane. In only a few days that's all changed tho. The routines are going to be astonishing for me. Amazing.

So yeah, I have a good pan, and once my head has settled a bit, I'll weigh up the job options. I want repetition, mindnumbing familiarity. Stability.

Russian saying: If you don't take risks, you'll never drink champagne.

Substitute with sparkling water and peace.