Well I'm going to give journaling a go, I have never been able to journal before through fear of someone discovering it.
So why not put it on the inet lol
Well I figured no-one knows who the * I am here.
Well I just had a therapy appiontment about the 10 th visit.
I was diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety disorder about 6 weeks ago, I have had many years of serious depression but I'm pretty good at the moment.
I learnt about dissociating today hmmm
It seems I dissociate when I feel angry
I am struggling to accept my experiences are real even though I have clear memories and clear symptoms. That Diane langberg utube talk on understanding complex trauma really made me feel like it was true and she understood what it was like - I thought I was just unhinged
I feel like hiding where no one knows where I am turn my phone off and just sleep
Well my very 1st journaling experience see if I can keep it up or if I freak out and try to delete any evidence I was ever here 🙄
hey, wattlebird, thanks for posting. i hope you find journaling helpful. it's been really good for me. very courageous of you to take this step.
struggling to accept our experiences as real is pretty common with those of us who have been traumatized over and over. we've often been told outright that what we've said isn't true, and unfortunately we come to believe them and doubt ourselves. i've come to believe that anyone who causes us to doubt ourselves has done so because they have their own agenda going to keep themselves looking good at the expense of us.
you're definitely not unhinged. that stuff has been all too real, and our minds do the best they can to cope, including dissociating when emotions or memories, etc., become overwhelming.
i'm glad you're here. i hope you find this experience helpful enough to encourage you to continue with it. sending love and warm, gentle hugs to you. you're not alone with this - we're all in the same boat here.
Thanks sanmagic7 it's good to see so many people sharing there knowledge here it's a great resource for us with trauma histories thanks for the encouragement 👍
I've been considering what the therapist said the other day about dissociating when I get angry - I really think that's weird I have no recollection of ever being traumatised when I was angry and really if it was a big enough trauma to warrant dissociation than it stand out in my memory shouldn't it? I have clear recollections many other traumas many at the hands of others anger . Wouldn't that be the cause ? She reckons it's to do with my anger 😬
Hi Wattlebird,
Hope you feel safe enough to leave your words up. You are so so brave to share them with us. You can look at my journal if you like. It's not very big, as journaling isn't easy for me...not so much the words...which cause their own problems, but just doing it is hard. Can't remember to come everyday and make a daily entry. Though sometimes I do manage a few days in a row.
I understand your fearsss...I've been only knowing about my past for about 18 months. Almost all of it was locked away. Which sadly didn't help me not get hurt again, too many times.
We also know about dissocieation....happens sometimes when we get overwhelmed with EFs and other stuff too. Been having that all our lives, since little kid. Mostly remember it as lost or missing time, and not so much rmembering what happened. But know most of now. Sometimes wish we never remembered. But...then we would have all these things, EFs and so on and not know what they from.
When we dissociate, our conscious mind doesn't get the sensory input, so it then doesn't remember. Which also means we don't have some kind of mental break from what ever our mind was trying to protect us from.
it may be that as the traumas built up layers, the latest of those layers became overwhelming and the anger took over to keep you intact. that's just a thought off the top of my head. those actual traumas may not have been as 'big' as previous traumas, but were the straws that were breaking your back, so to speak. so your anger appeared and the traumatic event took a back seat in your memory.
don't know if that makes sense to you - i'm guessing here. from what i understand about dissociation, it's a protective device. our anger could possibly perform the same type of protection for us. everything in our minds are so intertwined, and i believe they can both work together or at odds, but usually to the same goal - self-protection.
i have no doubt that if it's important for you to understand what's going on, it will come to you. if it's not, then it's not something to worry about. these things usually come to us in their own time when we truly need them. sending love and a hug full of clarity to you.
I find when I'm stoned I can think about things in a more realistic way - probably because I don't have all this anxiety skewing my vision of life. I'm more in touch with my emotions as well.
It's sad when you act more sensibly and wisely when your stoned than not
Well another therapy session today we talked about emotions she gave me a better way of thinking about my emotions - it's like I've got a phobia of emotions and we are doing exposure therapy little by little each week slowly getting used to sitting with my emotions.
I like this way of thinking I understand it and see the logic.
sounds good to me, especially the part where it seems logical and makes sense to you. i think that's the most important part of this stuff - if it makes sense to us, we can move ahead a lot more easily (my opinion).
best to you with beginning to sit with your emotions. i think lots of people avoid them because of neg. experiences they've had with their own or with others' in the past. it takes determination and work to get past that. love and hugs.
Glad hear that at least when stoned, you have a chance for some clear headed thinking and reflection.
you've shown a lot of guts in journaling here, even with worries about being recognized. i've had that feeling at times, too, but i don't regret writing what i've written. it's all truthful, so if someone knows who i am, so be it. maybe they need to see the truth.
glad you're enjoying your move. i've just moved into a big house, and i've found it exciting as well. still unpacking, but i've always been slow at that, so no worries. lots of changes, but good ones. sending love and hugs to you.
Well just spent a couple of stress filled days travelling and visiting family - I'm so glad to b home, I'm happy and proud of myself I was sorely tempted to pick up an old addiction of mine but resisted the temptation. 😎
Thanks andyman73 and sanmagic7
I missed some replys earlier as I'm still getting used to how this works but I really do appreciate the encouragement.
I've read small bits of others journals but it's all a bit triggering so I'm going slowly slowly and not pushing myself.
I like the idea of this journaling online being anonymous, I feel I can b honest and it's good practice in opening up to others in a relatively safe way. Not that I say anything too personal but slowly slowly - Pole Pole ( Swahili )
congrats on your resistance! well done!
welcome back. moving right along. i'm glad you're finding journaling to be helpful. it's been a blessing for me - has really helped me with realizations and gaining clarity. keep up the good work. sending love and a caring hug your way.
Wattlebird,
Thanks for reaching out to me when I was struggling. May I just say how brave you are for journaling? I've been on the forum for a bit now and I still don't have the courage to journal.
May I also say... I'm a lot like you. I don't do well with any negative emotions. I dissociate when scared, angry, and sad. This had led to some strange sideways emotions that pop out once in awhile. I've only cried 1 time in over 3 years. It's not that I hold tears back... they just don't come. It's easier to shut out emotions than to deal with them.
A wise forum friend told me that we need to feel in order to heal. Good luck on your journey. Glad you are here
Yes deep blue that does sound very similar, sometimes I think it's better to feel nothing, well most times really
But feeling is healing as they say - I used to do extreme sports when I was younger and I think I enjoyed feeling that fear because I felt so little it made me feel alive.
My daughter just got a probable diagnosis of bpd. I looked it up and it fits her exactly - there just going to check a few symptoms over time before giving a definite diagnosis but I doubt it will change.
I'm not sure how I feel, Sad I think
See my T tomorrow we can address that then I think
☹️
:hug: :hug: to both you and your daughter. hopefully you'll both get the help you need in dealing with this new challenge. perhaps with a name for it, you both can get a better handle on what to expect and how to resolve issues that arise. best to both of you with this. sending love your way.
This anxiety is making me feel sick (nauseous). I find I have to make an effort to remember to eat because I have no appetite - I'm losing weight pretty fast for someone not dieting which isn't too bad, as I could lose some more but I'm sure starvation diets aren't the best idea. So I am going to make an effort to eat healthier.
I have this therapist the more she knows about me - i was taught from a young age to not tell anyone my problems and i certainly learnt well,
Why am I doing this ?
It's a challenge now, I want to beat this trauma , it's run my life from my very earliest memories
What will I do with myself - who will I be?
It's a bit scary
Wattlebird,
I was taught the same as you. If you have problems then don't share them. It's a bad message to tell kids.
I often feel too sick to eat as well. Sometimes I drink ginger ale to help when I feel like that.
Those are some mighty big questions in your last post. Hang in there and we are here to help you sort it out if you need us :grouphug:
yep, we all learned those lessons well, didn't we. it's a measure of our intelligence that we learned them well, when and how to use them, and use them creatively.
i think this might be a good topic to bring up with your therapist. it seems to me that by bringing it out in the open - your urge to stalk, your anxiety about speaking your truth, how it's all affecting you - you will take some of the power away from those urges and fears, thereby bringing the power back to yourself.
i hope you keep taking care of yourself as best you can. i don't doubt the answers to those questions will come to you in time. love and hugs to you.
Thanks Sanmagic yes I've been considering talking to my t about it, I just need to work up the courage and stop worrying about what she will think of me, which is stupid I know, she's a therapist that's what she's there for.
Hi there, I can relate to a lot of what you've said, I too find journaling helpful sometimes I write letters to my abusers then burn them after which is quite cathartic.
I too have a bit of an unusual relationship with my therapist, she is the only person I have felt comfortable with talking to and who understands me, I hate it when My session ends and feel almost let down that I need to talk to her and see her a lot more, I felt like I wanted her to be my friend to meet up with her etc but I know in the real world this just won't happen as it's not professional for her to be able to do so.
I think it's called attachment? Which is quite common with people who had no emotional support when growing up, I find it really difficult when I'm away from her. I'd be scared of telling her tho in case she saw it as me becoming too attached and would think it best to end the therapy with her . That's just my 'thought' tho not saying that would happen.
I'll be interested to hear how you get on when you talk about emotions because that is the part I struggle with the most.
Hi Eyessoblue
Yes I completely understand your attachment, mine is very similar. Yes I have similar fears as well bout telling her. I feel like I can't even do therapy properly lol, i will update for u
Hello again, Wattlebird.
I certainly get about not crying and holding stuff in. I've done that for the past 2 decades. I'm only now learning it's okay to cry. Which has been happening off and on, in the past 18 months. But even so, I usually hide when I cry.
As for fear of others finding things out...yeah...got lots of that. Mostly cuz I don't want to face folks asking questions. It's hard enough dealing with that in relation to leaving my abusive wife...which most only know the good side of her. So, to the few that have asked so far, I just tell them that I have PTSD and it made things too difficult between us. So...I even take the blame for our marriage ending. I know if I say anything different, she'll hear back from them and will then cause me problems. Especially since our divorce isn't finalized yet. I am okay with letting them believe what they will. For me, it's a lot less hurtful this way.
hey, wb, and esb,
speaking as a therapist, we understand about attachment, how it works, why it happens. it's a very common occurrence, but, to my mind, never a reason to end the therapy. it's something that deserves to be explored with the client so they know what's happening and why, and together work on how to make the therapeutic relationship healthier, less stressful, for the client.
if you have a good relationship with your t, it may be a good idea for you to broach the subject, even speaking about your fears of therapy being stopped. you could ask your t what would be grounds for stopping therapy and if attachment issues would be one of them. kind of say something generic about it first, find out what your t thinks and what they say as a way to maybe break the ice for yourself more slowly and carefully.
many people in the helping professions (doctors, teachers, etc.) have to deal with such attachment issues from people with whom they're working. it's usually more distressing for the client than the helper, but their job is to help you thru the distress so that it can be minimized. that way you can have a more comfortable professional relationship (and, yes, esb, it would be unethical for your t to see you socially. there are professional boundaries in place to protect the client)
i hope it goes well for both/either of you if you decide to bring this issue to your t. sending love and hugs.
Hey San
Thanks
"it's usually more distressing for the client than the helper,"
I think this is the issue for me, I believe her distress would b like mine if someone told me that they had an unhealthy attachment to me !
I would run asap
But it's good to hear it's a common occurance
Yes andyman I understand taking the blame for your marriage ending is so much easier in my eyes too, I often take the blame for things for the sake of peace rather than a real belief that it's my fault. It's just not worth the drama or backlash. Ow dear I'm sorry u need to do that as well.
Crying is good for the soul - well so I'm told I find it quite crushing and often feel self contempt, weak, self centred, and not better at all, I than feel confused as to conflicting knowledge and emotions about crying
Well lots to work on I guess, hope u are finding some peace in your life :)
there are memories in my head that I won't even look at - I look around them, i feel around them
How to look straight at them
I feel like my t is waiting for them to be disclosed well I know she is, she has told me in subtle inoffensive ways that she can see the trauma symptoms started long before these other traumas I've disclosed. I just say yes they did and change the subject - I'm not so subtle , ok I think I will ask her HOW to look at them instead of feeling pressured to disclose when I'm not ready
Then I've acknowledged there existence as well, just like I'm doing here
Wow journaling just helped me sort an issue I've been struggling with for a while it seems so obvious when I wrote it out haha
My t just let me know she is sick and won't b able to have our session tomorrow, and next week is away which she told me ages ago, this the only time she has cancelled, I feel so depressed I had all these issues I was going to bring up I had worked up the courage to address things, now I won't be able to for another 2 weeks, sigh, I feel a bit abandoned but logically I know it's not about me, I immediately imagined she had read the stalking comments online but I think that's just paranoia again.
I thought of going back to an addiction for comfort or sleeping as I do when depressed all day, maybe get really high, so I went for a walk to boost my mood a bit but it really hasn't helped so I hopped on here to try and work it thru a bit. argh
congrats to you for trying alternate ways to calm and soothe yourself before automatically reaching for your addiction. that's a great step forward. well done.
sorry your t isn't going to be around, especially after you worked out how you wanted to approach the idea of looking at those earlier traumas. i thought it was a great idea, tho, and i hope you can maintain it till she gets back.
love and hugs.
Ok today was a good day, I'm excited to see my daughter she has been O.S. For a while and I have missed her :hug: she is arriving here tonight and staying for a few days.
My children (well adults now) are wonderful people and I love them dearly
Im feeling good again today, it's a bit of a shock to my system but I'm really enjoying it, I have a big drive tomorrow but I love driving on my own and listening to audiobooks and not having to deal with other people. Well not face to face anyway.
What a positive weekend I had :bigwink: it's nice, I'm usually so anxious. I think just putting aside therapy for awhile and just enjoying life was a good way to see the improvements in me. The desire to knock myself out thru whatever means available was very low but still present.
Got to spend a lot of quality time with one of my daughters and my son,
I've noticed an interesting thing, I have been trying to get in better contact with my emotions and I do this for short periods but I have noticed I enjoy the feelings of grief and pain ? This confuses me it - I enjoy it so much I keep trying to get that feeling back ? The feelings only last a few seconds at a time why do I like pain and grief
It's all a bit strange
When I'm going really well like this last week, I have an urge to do something destructive but I have been recognising these impulses more and more, I have been getting used to sitting with temptation and not being scared of those feelings or where they lead.
This seems to take away some of the power of the temptation,
I have noticed intrusive memories, now I'm taking notice of what's going on in my head, I'm sure they are coming up because I'm working thru this stuff, but it really is affecting my day to day life,
I lost my temper today, this is a noteworthy event as it happen very infrequently about once every year or so if that. I didn't even dissociate and I really spat the dummy. It's a funny thing to be happy about but I feel like it was a reasonable response to the situation my husband agrees with this assessment as I don't totally trust my assessment of reasonable responses to emotionally stressful situations.
So progress :cheer:
Then I took a large dose of cannabis oil and went to bed. Aw well no-ones perfect. But progress is progress and I'm happy (maybe it's the oil) :bigwink:
hey, wb, it sounds like progress to me. changing our circumstances, environment, and the people surrounding us can have a profound effect on our emotions, perceptions, and perspectives. i've noticed that since i moved out of a tension-filled house, it's not always been easy making the adjustment.
i don't think it's uncommon for those who have been raised in and been continually caught up in abusive, chaotic environments to become used to living that way, used to dealing with and interacting in such circumstances to the point where it had become the norm for us. when we leave that behind, it can feel uncomfortable, we can feel uneasy because we don't quite know how to deal with the 'calm'.
the idea then of liking pain and grief, chaos and abuse is not so much a like of it, to my mind, as it is that we've become accustomed to it, comfortable with it, and it can feel weird to be without it. that might be why, when things go well, those destructive, neg. ideas come to mind. it's our brains attempting to adjust to the change, not quite knowing what to do with the newness of things going well, and wanting to revert to old behaviors so as to feel 'normal' again.
so, bravo for fighting those urges. you are stronger than the old patterns you got used to, and you're showing it. that includes getting angry when it's relevant. :cheer: keep up the good work, wb. you're moving forward, one step at a time. yay, you. sending you love and hugs filled with more of that fighting spirit.
Thanks San that makes sense, it's like having little kids isn't it, it's a bit scary when everything is too peaceful - there bound to be drawing on walls or something somewhere.
Anxiety is back, I'm just overwhelmed and not dealing with it so well. I'm always stuck in the middle of every * fight that happens in this family. My borderline daughter won't deal with my husband who is a control freak and I'm in the middle with him trying to control her thru me and her trying to get her money off him thru me to buy a car while she is mentally unstable and has been suicidal on and off all year. So I'm treading carefully but trying to resolve the issues. I think we should just let her buy what she wants but he wants to approve the car and won't release the money until he is satisfied, she wants it NOW and doesn't want to do any type of inspection or security checks OMG she is also many hrs drive away so it's not easy to pop over and check out the car but I'm driving over and back tomorrow just to check that she isn't buying a lemon and taking her the money but he wants to give me never ending lectures about cars and how u should buy one, he is actually trying really hard not to stress me but he can't seem to let go and sees it as not caring for her if he lets her choose whatever, she is only just turned so pretty young still and the youngest child,
anyway finished my rant and amazingly I feel a bit better, so another drive tomorrow at least driving really relaxes me I will need it
best to you with all this, wb. i've been in the middle of family affairs, and it's far from being a picnic. i'm just glad it helped you to write it down, and enjoy the drive. i've always felt good when driving, too - have taken many road trips by myself just to get away for a bit. love and hugs to you, sweetie.
Ok home sweet home big massive day with major anxiety all day till I started for home my daughter got her car thankfully and we all survived - just.
Got home at 1am and there was a bird in my room ?? I had to chase it round and round for 15 mins till it went out one of the doors it's now in the lounge room but I'll deal with that tomorrow I'm going to bed :zzz: :zzz:
A better day today, i need to be more consistent with my meditation to calm myself, I was thinking about how I find it so difficult to ask for things, I hate talking on the phone unless it's someone I know very well. I am a lot better than I used to be I was so bad before I couldn't ring up for pizza delivery, I would drive in and get it so I didn't have to ring. I do better face to face because I read the persons responses on there face. I still struggle to ask for things though.
I spent half the day cleaning up bird poo, lol - see above -
I am loving my new house
Still anxious
getting intrusive thoughts about self harm, this is very annoying and frustrating, I've been going so good this year, but I feel all this turmoil at the moment and it's all so real - it's like someone has turned my life over to high definition and I've been used to a snowy picture
Another big drive tomorrow
sending love and hugs filled with compassion, support, and caring. hang tough, sweetie, ok? hangin' right beside you.
Thanks San I'm hanging tough, The thoughts are more annoying than tempting - just my brain trying to escape reality I guess, you take care too
Wow I'm very tired, this memory I'm talking to the t about tomorrow is wreaking havoc with my head, I keep trying to rehearse what I'm going to say in my head but don't get very far. I often feel like I want to vomit and get all this poison out of me, I don't, I just want it out and gone. I hope I don't back down, I'm going to at least ask her how to deal with it even if I can't talk about it just yet. Yes I'm going to stay strong about that, don't pressure myself, and see what happens.
sending lots of support for this undertaking, wb. all my best to you that you can get some pos. results. love and hugs.
Well that was horrific. I did it, now I need a good long sleep and some self care, good night
I had a sleep, I'm not sure how to express myself all these emotions running around me. They are always so detached and now I feel like I'm swimming in them no drowning.
I guess that is a good thing but I don't feel very grateful. I definitely don't feel as anxious but there is a lot of pain, a lot of grief and a lot of anger also a feeling of bewilderment. I'm trying to sit with them for a bit before reaching for an escape.
Hi WB,
Hope you are feeling better from the other day. I really should try that CBD oils too...I knnow it would do me wonders.
Birdie in the house huh? That's always a bit of fun, eh?
Yes andyman the CBD oil is great reduces my anxiety significantly and helps me sleep better
I feel a lot better today 👍
A better day all round today, still raw emotions but not in a turmoil anymore, I'm a bit scared these emotions won't go away , I've had enough already, operating with very few emotions has its benefits, but of course that's why I'm doin this therapy lol what a mess
I'm really starting to freak out a bit too much emotion needing to escape bad
I am feeling much better, connected with a friend and got a massage off hubby, it's so difficult for me to tell people I am not coping but I am glad I did today.
oooooh, a massage. dang, i'm looking forward to the day when i can afford to get one. so very happy for you.
sounds like you made it thru that emotional upheaval all right. well done. here's to moving forward. love and hugs.
All I want to do is escape, I'm sitting in my car outside the place where I can renew my old addiction it's almost been 9 mths since I was here last, well actually I was sitting here yesterday but didn't go in, it's a long drive from home so a bit out of the way, no yes no
There is a whole load of swearing going on in my head
Well that went badly :fallingbricks:
Didn't quite resist so Back to day 1
I need better coping skills, I need to be brave enough to ask for help,
This sux but I'm back on the wagon and I'm going to keep fighting. I spoke to a friend and worked out an accountability plan for the rest of the week till my next appointment with the t.
So maybe I should have done that earlier, you live, you learn.
wb, i'm in recovery for 16 yrs., have also been an addictions counselor, so if you ever need to spew, ask for help, ask a question, please pm me. i know what it's like to go thru what you have gone thru. i want to give you all the support i can, if you'll allow it.
hang tough - i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to go. we're all here for you. :grouphug:
Thanks San your a good one, if I get desperate I may b brave enough to do that not sure, hey I was reading the what's in a name post today it's great I don't read too much as everything is so triggering but that was really encouraging thanks
I've been for a lovely walk this morning soaking in the beautiful views of nature here where I live, I believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I'm sure loads of people from all sorts of places believe this as well so could be anywhere. I'm going to meditate for a while and do some gardening I think
Ok I know I keep writing every few hrs, I'm just trying to keep on track mentally, I did some gardening in the sunshine :sunny: , washed the floor, washed the clothes and sheets changed the bed, cleaned out my van, checked up on surf conditions by driving around some beaches watched some surfing for a while and it's only lunch time argh
How to keep busy and distract myself for the rest of the day.
I could go for a swim, clean the Windows, cook dinner, walk the dogs again, I need to keep active, ow I should meditate again too ok got a plan for a while :sharkbait:
Today was not too bad, I still feel dreadful but dreadful is still better than horrendous, you know life sux when your glad to only feel dreadful :blink:
Another day - most of which was spent in bed, I'm sick of this, think I'm sliding into depression again, I did go for a walk along the beach, play with the dogs for a while and connect with a friend I hadn't seen for a while, spent time with hubby, but it's not improving my mood at all or maybe it is and I'd feel worse if I didn't do these things :Idunno: anyway I'm going back to bed
A much better day today,
I'm starting to realise I'm surrounded by borderlines, my mother my daughter and I'm starting to think my husband ( I always thought he was a narsissist or control freak) but lately I've been researching borderline since my daughter was diagnosed and it fits him as well.
No wonder I'm losing my mind, I have cptsd from childhood but I'm starting to realise that the abusive problems didn't stop there, my husband has been in therapy and is making tremendous progress over the past few years. which i believe helped me feel safe enough to start dealing with my own issues and insecurities what a pair we are. We've been married 20+ yrs and what a roller coaster it's been.
Therapy tomorrow, I'm fairly nervous about it as last week turned into such a disaster plus I have to confess my failure to cope afterward.
I had therapy today it went well, I'm so grateful, I'm not sure what she did ? but I feel much more stable, I'm never sure why talking things thru helps you. I see perfectly well that it does, ow I think I'm surprised that a long held belief is false
This journaling is really helping me think about what I'm thinking about - if that makes sense, it's helping me learn how to communicate what I'm thinking about, I think that's the biggest benefit for me I've always struggled to communicate especially about emotions,
Today I've been struggling with temptation, my anxiety is low, my mood is fairly good as well, so why now ?
You know sometimes I just want a temptation switch that I can just turn off for a while so as to rest for a while in peace without having to struggle continuously, like time out please
Ok the choice I have been worrying over is this: I can tell my husband I "fell of the wagon" last week or not
My dilemma is that I'm pretty sure he is borderline and I'm freaking out about his reaction not only the angry outburst but the controlling behaviour that will result as well, but I know this process also works as a big deterrent and honesty is such a foundational part of good relationships that it also seems foolish not to tell him.
My instinct is to not tell him but my t and another friend who I've told both think I should tell him but it's my choice
i agree, wb, that it's your choice. since i don't know the dynamic between you and your hub, i can't really give an opinion. the only thing that comes to mind is which way (telling or not telling - or, even, putting off telling till a later date) will be best for your recovery? either from c-ptsd, or your addiction? is that what you're talking about?
maybe writing out the pros and cons might be helpful. recovery from c-ptsd and from addiction (if that's what you're referring to) can mean different things. then, there's always the 'honesty' faction for your marriage. these are quite a few different aspects to consider.
i'm really glad you're finding it helpful to journal, also glad your session went well. i know this stuff can seem extremely tangled at times, but i don't doubt that as you continue with all of it, you'll find it easier to straighten things out.
sending love and a hug filled with clarity for you.
Thanks San
I was talking about my addiction but I also see that as part of my cptsd and see recovery from addiction and cptsd as intimately connected,
I got a big nudge in the conscience today when he confessed a similar stumble in his journey, it was hard for him to confess but he did ( what a guilt trip) so I wanted to hear him out and thought it inappropriate to drop my confession as well but maybe that was the perfect time. So I'm feeling guilty and scared but I think the best thing for my recovery is to tell him but I'm going to wait till I'm more comfortable with that so I don't feel the pressure to start a potentially explosive situation ( going by past results )
i believe you know best what's right for you, wb. you know the dynamics involved. i think your decision to wait is valid.
i realize that addictions and c-ptsd are often connected, possibly intermingled. sometimes it seems best to tease them apart, look at them separately, in order to come to a place of comfort. it sounds like you did just that - waiting till you're more settled within yourself before you 'confess'. the timing of these things can be different for everyone. it sounds to me as if your c-ptsd recovery (waiting till you feel more comfortable) is taking precedence here, and i don't think that's a bad thing.
i also don't think you need to feel guilty - your timing is different than his, your response is possibly different than his will be. 2 individuals working on similar issues can often overlap. keep doing what's best for you. it's your recovery, no matter from what source. love and hugs, sweetie.
WB,
Have you found the CBD oils to help with mental health also? I'm not sure what you said previously. I do know there are studies with Veterans and PTSD and how mj and cbd oils can help. I'm always so so anxious to try something new that would benefit my health. Even telling my dr about something takes months and months.
I agree with Sweet San...each of us is on our own time schedule. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows, everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it :yes:
I've been struggling with the push- pull emotions surrounding friends or relationships in general, I want to be closer to people but resist this as well, I'm starting to feel safe with my therapist and another friend but I worry I'm becoming too dependent on them because it also feels very risky,
I worry more about this friend as she really has no reason to be my friend at least the t is getting paid, when I write this down I can see I have no self confidence that people will actually like me for who I really am if I show them. How sad
Quite agitated today, it's like anger bubbling below the surface. I really am starting to rethink this therapy, everything is making me angry today, I can't cope with these feelings, I'm afraid of them, very much afraid of them, so when I start to reconnect with my emotions, it causes this fear response and the desire to escape from these feelings asap hence the addiction cravings, the self medicating, and dissociating - :aaauuugh:
I have work today, I don't often work maybe 1/2 a day a fortnight but when I do it's always full of anxiety, i really didn't sleep well knowing I had work, I am always tempted to get stoned and go to work to deal with the anxiety but I rarely do this as it is a dangerous job already my therapist is onto me as well she's concerned at my state of mind / levels of concentration and the work I do. My anxiety has nothing to do with danger though it's about having to perform and feeling inadequate, ok I better go, calm calm calm breath
So I get to work all psyched up and I only had to do 1 thing as someone else hadn't finished there part so I need to go back tomorrow, this is ok with me as I only had to work for 1/2 hr and I was done and I only have a couple of hrs to do tomorrow and I got a good look and it all seems straight forward
Hopefully I don't get so anxious tomorrow.
Yesterday I was agitated, I had a long talk with my d the night before and I didn't realise how much it had upset me, mainly because this is the way I deal with emotions I bury them deep, my husband kept asking if I was ok, and I thought it thru, started to verbalise my worries about d while working hard on keeping those emotions buried, then realising what I was doing I let them surface. I was proud that I had become aware enough to see what was going on, I've been trying to be aware of this for months. Now my h is all stressed out thinking I'm falling into depression, as he only ever sees me cry when I'm in bad depression, I'm not in depression although I am upset about my d.
Sigh, every step forward always has some complication
I think I triggered him ow I have only just realised, aw well poor guy, I will talk to him about it, warn him it's likely to happen again and it a good thing
Sigh
Anxious but not as bad as yesterday, I feel so useless that I can't even go to work for a couple of hrs without ending up a nervous wreck.
I better go :wave:
I'm still so anxious, work was painful, daughter is coming to visit tomorrow and I have a social event to go to tonight, really not that big a deal, but I feel like things are starting to pile up on top of me, I always feel so awkward at social events, I never know what to say to people and I feel like an intruder, I am always left by myself and just don't know what to do. But I am isolated with few friends and want to start building better relationships so I agreed to go as I'm rarely invited to anything.
I feel like I'm pretending that I belong there when I really don't, ow well I will make an effort even if I talk to a few people it's a positive
Hi Wattlebird,
I hope you don't mind my popping into your Journal - but I just wanted to wish you the best with your social event - I also find them really challenging - and I think you've expressed a very positive attitude - i.e. you're going to make an effort and even if you talk to a few people it's a positive - definitely! Hope it goes ok.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope
I don't mind, I appreciate it :)
Social event went ok I will score it a 5/10 so not too painful with plenty of conversations but definitely not comfortable. I see this as good as social events usually score about a 2 average I estimate.
:party:
:cheer: :cheer: That's great, Wattlebird. Glad you coped ok, and you did really well.
Hope :)
Thanks Hope
Today started bad, I woke with a stiff neck and headache but ended up just fine, hubby gave me a massage and fixed my neck, my headache went away and now he's taking me out for dinner, I got some things done that have been on my to do list for far too long.
Got therapy tomorrow and my d visiting. I want to talk to my t about dealing with my d,
I sincerely hope my t can help
I'm going to have an early night tonight, let this day be over.
Trigger Warning SI
On second thoughts I should get some of these thoughts out of my head.
I am angry, frustrated and so entirely fed up with life, I'm only staying here for the benefit of my family (husband and kids not foo) my husbands mother suicided last year and it has really been devastating, I know I can't do that to them. So I feel trapped, I think my feelings are going to consume me and I imagine hurting people constantly, so yes today's therapy was hard on me, and I spent the rest of the day trying to hold myself together because my daughters staying with me in the end I said I felt bad and was going to bed early, 4 hrs early! she understands and is out visiting friends,
Yeah so a big sleep sure sounds lovely about now, :zzz:
i sincerely hope your sleep brings you not only some rest but some relief. i'm very glad you have your family now to encourage you to stay with us. i've had that same feeling several times in my life. i'm glad i stuck around cuz things did get better as i kept moving forward. i hope you find the same.
sending love and a hug full of compassion and empathy and strength.
Me too, I really hope your sleep helps to bring some relief. :hug: Sometimes sleep does that for me, surprisingly enough. I've had those feelings you mention a number of times in my life, usually over long stretches. My fur babies kept me going mostly. In my case, I think these feelings were very long drawn-out EFs. My experience has been like san's: things did get better as I slowly crept forward.
Looking back to your post of the 30th, well, I'm sending :hug: :hug: :bighug: and wishing you some magic extra support from somewhere. Sounds really tough what you're dealing with.
Thanks San and blueberry,
Yes my big sleep did help me a lot, I don't feel so overwhelmed today.
Yes Blueberry I'm certain of the ef's there getting triggered all over the place. My t was really good actually she gave me hope while acknowledging just how hard it will be.
Thanks so much
Today was a good day much more positive, my d and I did a communication exercise her t gave her and we both realised just how much we weren't communicating what we thought we were. So we are going to work on that.
I still feel very unstable and emotionally raw but not so doom and gloom
Another day,
3 posative things today
1. Daughter & hubby hung out without conflict
2. I had a lovely walk & lunch with daughter & hubby
3. I Met with friends for dinner
Im feeling negative and depressed today so thought I would look at posative things that happened instead of always dwelling on the negative.
There are significant problems with my d and her father, My d is borderline and only just diagnosed recently. After learning about borderline we are all convinced her dad (hubby) has it as well, my t strongly suspects it as well.
So there relationship is somewhat rocky, it was so lovely to see them both just get along without triggering each other off, sad to say I was triggered on several occasions (sigh) so I suspect they were busy trying to keep me calm, this is so ironic it makes me laugh. I'm usually the emotionally flat one and they are the opposite. But digging around in my past with the t and having to deal with my d diagnosis has surfaced all this raw emotion and fear that's usually buried nice and deep, this I realise now is why I'm depressed now, I'm a bit disgusted at my behaviour today, I've been so worried about their behaviour towards each other and I cause all the problems this time .. sigh .. I am quite grateful that they were civilised.
It was a lovely walk along the beach, I never usually walk with anyone but did today
I had time away from the terrible two and had dinner with some friends, i am learning to be myself more and more around these friends and making more of a conscious effort to open up a bit more, So things are heading in a posative direction we are all getting therapy and relationships are doing better, if you look at the big picture things are improving a lot, it's just the day to day set backs and struggles that keep dragging me down.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: on moving forward, looking at the big picture some of the time and all the positive things today (like walking on the beach). :applause: :applause:
You know, I doubt that you "caused all the problems this time". Your raw emotion and fear surfaced at d diagnosis so maybe the diagnosis/mental illness of bpd could be said to be causing problems. And like a problem in a relationship between 2 or 3 people, it's not always useful to see who caused the problem, but how to move forward. You are moving forward with this, not just you personally but your whole family. You are all in therapy :applause: :applause: I read often enough on our sister website OOTF to know this is certainly not always the case.
It could also be "this time" that with d and h getting along, your buried emotions about the here-and-now saw their chance to come up. You are allowed them, please don't criticise yourself.
btw good self-care going for dinner with friends and getting away from d and h for a few hours :thumbup: :thumbup:
Hey wattlebird
I'm glad you were able to find some positive when the world has been throwing rotten tomatoes at you. A night out with friends sounds like some good self care.
It has been my experience that those with cptsd tend to take the blame for things that are not really their fault. Their relationship is their own. Try not to take the blame for it sweetie
:bighug:
Thanks blueberry & deep blue
You know I automatically blamed myself for causing problems because I displayed emotions, you are both correct that is not the wrong thing to do. Thank you for helping me see this it has boosted my self esteem which was dragging on the ground after yesterday.
Today
My d went back home today, I feel guilty for being relieved she has gone, I really love her tremendously but I am so so triggered around her at the moment.
I really feel like life is nudging me in the back ( time to deal with those
traumas ) which I've managed to avoid over the last mths or so of therapy, my t last week said I should really consider looking at those memories as they are impacting my life so extensively at the moment so we are going to start with 5 mins at a time, Im scared, worried, I am very worried I will not cope afterwards, I didn't cope so well with other traumatic memories and these particular episodes are significantly worse in my mind, ok
5 minutes is not too bad and I need to start somewhere If I want to help my d and help myself so I'm going to do it
Totally unmotivated today, I am sick if trying to motivate myself I just want to lie in bed and be miserable- there's things I should be doing but I'm going to give in today and allow myself to be miserable -
I didnt end up in bed, I was feeling relieved at my choice to just do nothing, and I ended up doing quite a lot, I think I used reverse psychology on myself, anyway a fairly good day in the end. I am still going to bed very early again but at least I got out of bed and was active most of the day.
It was interesting to see my change in attitude once I allowed myself to be unmotivated I became far more motivated ... Something to consider
I have a work van that has a bed fitted inside, this is my refuge when I need to get away from everyone I take my van turn off my phone and usually go and sleep somewhere no one knows where I am. I love doing this, my husband hates it but it's what I need to cope sometimes. Here I am now in my van, I haven't been here for a while i imagine it's like an old comforting friend
Most mornings I feel this depression and/ or anxiety about the day ahead, some days I ignore it, some days I go back to bed, lots of days I take off in the car to try escape the feelings and go do chores as quickly as possible , some days I'm so anxious I have to hide out somewhere where no one knows where I am,
I've got a new plan for mornings, I am going to get up, have a cup of tea, journal and meditate, slow down.
As I am writing this my husband rang and asked a favour and I immediately walked out the front door to do it. I hadn't done anything of the meditation I am writing about lol so I rang him back and said I would be another 30 minutes,
And completed my journaling and I'm going to meditate bye
I feel like a complete idiot tonight, I was meant to have done an important money transfer and haven't done it there's no way It will b done in time I was reminded several times as well, what is wrong with me argh my husband just walked out I'm sure in an attempt not to lose his temper in front of me argh :aaauuugh:
Hi Wattlebird,
Sometimes things just happen, regardless of our best intentions - I hope you'll be ok. Hopefully you can sort this out. Just wanted to send you a supportive hug if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Ok I feel better, talked with hubby he is being very understanding thank goodness, I still feel like an idiot though.
I feel fairly depressed, but it isn't overwhelming, what I have noticed about this mistake I've made, I admitted to not knowing what happened instead of making up excuses, I apologised and expressed how I really felt about myself instead of hiding my self disgust, and hubby responsed not with yelling but with sympathy
I think our therapy must b paying off yay
Thanks Hope I was very down on myself, thanks for the comfort xo
Had therapy today, I'm really starting to be more open with my t, not so on guard, I don't feel so pressured to share stuff (not that she ever pressured me in any way) but I feel more comfortable.
Im not really in a good place at the moment but not overwhelmed, just wanting to disappear
Quote from: Wattlebird on September 06, 2018, 11:40:08 PM
what I have noticed about this mistake I've made, I admitted to not knowing what happened instead of making up excuses, I apologised and expressed how I really felt about myself instead of hiding my self disgust
Sounds like huge progress to me! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I used not to be able to admit when I'd made a mistake. If you look back at what happened when I was growing up and made a mistake and/or admitted to it, no wonder. You may have something similar in your background too.
I'm so happy for you that your dh changed his behaviour to fit your new reaction.
For today after your T session, I'm sending safe gentle :hug: :hug: if OK for you. Otherwise I'm sitting quietly with you.
Thanks Blueberry, yes it's so easy to get dragged down by all the issues and fail to see the progress and I have made huge progress this year I just :stars: have so much going on in my head it's hard to not get dragged down
But each day is different and tomorrow is a new day, :woohoo: I don't really feel like woohoo but I love the little icon thingy so much I had to use it also it makes me smile :woohoo:
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
It's the same for me with these :cheer:
It's also similar for me with so much going on. There's never "just one" topic I'm working on in healing. Or even if I were, something else would come up or somebody else would put something in my path...
Looks like I'm doing tremendously by all the cheering going on. Thanks blueberry.
Yesterday my t said that my inner child was very angry, I was telling her about these continuing intrusive thoughts and feelings of anger with no real focus,
One problem I have is I feel these feelings but I don't know what it is I am feeling I am only just learning to recognise and name emotions really through being mindful of the context and thoughts surrounding the emotions.
Spoke to my son who is os at the moment that was so nice, my other 2 daughters are planning on moving in together, well this will test them that's for sure, let's see how much they have matured in the last 3 years since they last lived together at home I'm sure I will be pleasantly surprised.
Last night I wrote about a 10 year period of my life that I have barely spoken a word about to my t, I have given her a 1 or 2 min overview at most, so I want to start exploring dealing with this traumatic time, when I had finished writing an outline of events it had taken me 4 hours to write about 1 page but I was engaged with the task and thinking thru events that I have tryed hard to forget over the past 20 yrs, I think it's the first time I actually allowed myself to consciously think thru that time of my life and what it was like, I was fairly heavily self medicated for this task, which allowed me to think clearly without anxiety taking over. I am quite surprised at myself. I wasn't emotional but fairly detached but one step at a time I say. Now I wonder if I have the courage to show her this page, I haven't read it today I don't know about that
I think I'm going to stay in bed today just let myself be depressed maybe even read thru it later idk
Each time a therapist has tryed to deal with this part of my life things got very life threatening very quickly, but they did it after like 2 visits I've seen this t for most of this year weekly and she never ever pushes this issue and told me last week she would never bring it up that, that was up to me, I had told her how scared I was of her asking about it, now look at me writing about it.
Well this was a big big step for me - I'm so glad I have a decent therapist who is very aware of trauma and understands how very traumatised I am.
So I was all ready to self medicate this day away and be depressed but just received an invite out for a meal with some friends which would be really nice so I'm doing that instead, sometimes life throws you a gift :bigwink:
:cheer:
Thanks three roses your name reflects my daughters name a lot it makes me smile.
I am dreadful at keeping my morning schedule that I put in place for self care whenever I am anxious I skip the whole lot and no meditation no planning the day out, no breakfast etc, I put it in place for my anxiety but it's like I can't be nice to myself when I need it most, needless to say this lack of self care and planning causes a backlash of other problems creating more anxiety
Writing it out really highlights the self destructive nature of this "habit" it's a bit scary really, do I really treat myself with this level of contempt, well I'm going to focus on improving this area for a while, that should help a lot if I can keep that morning routine
I think I should get a diary too
I regularly set goals and schedules for self-care/health and then disregard them. I write, journal, make notes where I'll see them, post reminders - nothing. I don't go to the doctor, dentist, etc when I need to.
I have no motivation. I read books, articles, etc on how to get motivation but nothing seems to motivate me.
I'm pretty self-destructive or self-sabotaging too. Though I would say in the past year or so I've been improving little by little. I think it's pretty common with cptsd to not be able to be nice to yourself. I find it good to note to myself when I do manage after all and focus on that. Even if you manage to keep part of the morning routine. Small steps count in healing from cptsd!! And also maybe find out when you tend to sabotage yourself. e.g. I do when I have too much on my list of possible things for the next day, so not even a To Do list, but enough to cause me pressure.
I was very mindful of my thinking feelings etc this morning, I did part of my routine but I was so anxious about a job I had to do that I skipped the rest- but I did force myself to do at least part of the routine telling myself I'd do the rest after I finished this job of course I didn't,
Your right blueberry anything that causes any pressure throws me off course
3 roses I'm the same I am hopeless at Drs and dentists, I have X-rays and blood tests to get done from the visit to the Drs I made myself go to 4 weeks ago but still haven't got the tests done or the appointments aren't even made. Its like I have to build myself up to have the discipline to go. It takes serious pain usually to get me to go.
All the motivation I have is about avoiding shame
It's similar for me with docs and dentists too. I recently made it to the dentist's actually - for the first time in 2 1/2 years! They checked that for me.
4 weeks doesn't sound that bad to me, though I suppose it might depend on what the tests are for.
I need to build myself up to have the energy and courage to go. This usually amounts to some form of minor, easy to carry out self-care or doing something fun for Inner Children or mantra chanting. All in the name of combatting those internalised FOO voices telling me I'm not worth it or that you can't trust doctors. I break it down into steps too. First I make the appointment and praise myself for that. Then on the day, praise self for getting out of bed, for getting to doc or dentist, for managing well there.
Sometimes I've needed to figure out that I actually had a problem with doc or dentist and how s/he had treated me as a person before.
Both my psychiatrist and dentist are very close by - 5 min. walk max. That helps too. I once tried to change dentists to one who deals with anxiety patients but that would have been 30 mins by bus or bike. I simply didn't go though I had an appointment and although my current dentist isn't very sensitive to cptsd problems.
Yeah 4 weeks isn't too bad just the latest, I once waited so long to go to the dentist I had 2 abcessed teeth and nerve damage to my face I ended up in hospital. At least they drugged me
:cheer:
I did all of my self care routine this morning
A much better day today, a much more posative attitude and more motivation,
My 1st daughter is visiting she is really well, she has a lot of anxiety ( complex trauma ) but is unwilling to address the emotional issues but actively works on symptoms like anxiety, sleep probs etc she seems very relaxed and happy atm and her life looks very much in order, she says she feels good so that's really encouraging.
I am fighting a constant desire to go to bed even today when I have energy and a more posative mood I still have this pull to go sleep and avoid reality. I don't know if I should be allowing myself this escape or not, I'm concerned it will drag me down further into the pit of despair, but I also think that allowing myself to be depressed is valuable as well, instead of this constant struggle.
Wattlebird, I'm also well-acquainted with that struggle of whether to stay up or go back to bed. Sometimes it is good for me to just allow myself the time in bed. It's my safe place. Sounds quuite good with your daughter too. :)
Quote from: Wattlebird on September 12, 2018, 02:23:54 AM
:cheer:
I did all of my self care routine this morning
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause:
Hi!
So good to hear about your daughter feeling good in her life at the moment, and that she's managing her symptoms well. Also good to hear that you are feeling better today, more energy and more positive.
Perhaps you can do both? Go out for a 5-10 minute walk in fresh air, or get some groceries or something, just to be out a little bit. Use some nice skin lotion, paint your nails. Something small, yet good. And then, go to bed and rest?
Yes sceal that's what I ended up doing bits of both I lay down and read a book / no sleep but still an escape of sorts and spent time swimming which was lovely as well, it's so nice to just have a relaxed day :cheer:
So glad that you did a mix of things. I hope it was helpful and soothing for you! :cheer: And that today is a good day as well
Yep today was another nice day I could get used to this ;)
I did all my morning self care again, 2 days in a row wow
Got therapy Tomorrow, I used to really look forward to therapy, now I'm a little scared of it, but I'm more frightened of never getting any better so...
Therapy today
Approached my hard subject today, I dissociated a few times but we covered heaps of ground in a much better more controlled way than my last attempt at broaching a painful topic, last attempt I went into what felt like melt down mode. This time I didn't just blurt out the whole sordid tale but asked her how to go about it carefully. Which she told me we could do when I was ready.
So I've been in a dream like state ever since, just starting to feel real again tonight.
Yeah I think I even feel relief, relief that I talked, relief that I am still ok, relief that what I said was reacted to appropriately, I feel validated,
You know I think I feel a little pride as well :bigwink:
:) ;)
It been a good couple of days I'm feeling so posative today, I talked to my husband about complex trauma and we watched a video together about it, well he knew I had it but I have always refused to talk about the subject except to acknowledge I had it, I could see he was very happy at my openness but was trying to act all cool, he was non judgemental, supportive and encouraging
I'm reeling at these big steps I've taken over the last few days I've trusted 2 people in 2 days and both encounters went really well
I feel like I have overcome some major barrier and I'm stunned that it went ok
Well couldn't wait to share :woohoo:
:woohoo: is right! you go! enjoy.
just a word of caution, and i don't mean to bring you down by saying this. just remember that this beast is a roller coaster ride, and you may hit a snag again in the future. by remembering these good days, the steps you've taken, the positive results, and how great it felt may help you to weather those down days (should they come) a little easier. they'll move on more quickly that way and you'll be more prepared for them.
in the meantime, i'm very jazzed for you wb. i really do think it's great to have such wonderful experiences which in turn make for wonderful days. keep up the good work. sending love and a hug full of encouragement and uplifting support.
Thanks guys
Yes it's a roller coaster for sure, today I'm plagued with doubt and uncertainty
My back is out today so spent most of the day in bed, so I think my brain equated bed all day with depressed
I'm seeing the self destructive suggestions my brain keeps offering up because I'm moving too far forward and someone inside doesn't approve, I'm hearing "run" "get away" " hide" "quick" "hurry" "not safe""not safe""not safe"
It's a bit hard to ignore and no wonder I'm ruled by anxiety half the time with what feels like someone over my should whispering in my ear "sucker" how can you ever feel sure of your choices with continuous fear mongering in ur own head :blink:
Anyway I'm hungry but my back hurts and I don't want to get up, I wish I was a wizard and could summon up a pizza right about now :bigwink:
Quote from: Wattlebird on August 26, 2018, 01:48:53 AM
Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows, everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it :yes:
Hi WB,
Thank you for sharing your experience with CBDs, I'm planning on trying some myself, in the very near future. I'm hoping it will allow me to be much more grounded and get better rest when sleeping.
I have very little motivation today, actually I'm motivated to go back to bed. I'm dragging myself thru my morning routine but I really can't be bothered, what does it matter, it's like climbing a mountain with a big backpack, occasionally u need to stop and rest so u have the energy and motivation to keep going, it's so much easier to go downhill, so I think I've actually come up with a good excuse to go back to bed
I need rest and recovery from the all this emotional upheaval even though it's progress it's still exhausted me mentally
:zzz:
it's a lot of work, lugging that backpack uphill, so i'm not surprised you're exhausted. sounds like bed and rest and sleep are on the menu along with pizza. mmmm, it does sound good.
those 'run away' voices are only hot air. your progress is good and righteous and beneficial to you, a lot of things that we haven't had too much of, so i think it's pretty common for them to seem dangerous. in the past they might have been, so we did what we had to do to avoid them, avoid getting hurt again.
i say 'pooh!' to those voices. you are doing good things for yourself, deserve to rest and pamper yourself. maybe a stint on the porch will be helpful. i've got blackberry muffins and lovely tea to go along with your pizza. just enjoy, embrace your exhaustion, and rest, rest, rest. it will eventually be gone. sending love and hugs to you, wb.
Thanks San,
I ended up having a decent day after all, I decided to go back to bed I was all pleased with my decision, I finished my morning routine and ended up feeling fine, I did some gardening for a few hrs a few other chores, read a book and relaxed. The same thing happened last week - once I decide I can go back to bed all my anxiety leaves and I feel better and then I end up having a fairly decent day. Hmmmm there's something going on here, I will sit and ponder
It's more about feeling like I have no choice and I have to go and be productive and try to be happy and good and a good wife and a good mother and a good daughter while ur at it , I mightn't want to but that's bad luck that's what life is about! U have no choice ...Bad Luck !
And when I decide not to I'm utterly relieved and end up doing something productive..... Wow that's messy
I feel like everyone has forced me to be this person who I am and I don't want to be her, and when I say no I'm going to do what I want to do, staying in bed which I know would be disapproved of I feel good rather than ashamed like I usually feel
Sorry started getting deep but I was on a roll and starting to understand what is going on- had a bit of an ef back there too :stars:
Well Done WB! A little bit of self-reflection and realization is huge! I'm so proud of you!
And yes, any rest you take is far beyond well deserved, it's like owed to you! I'm so glad you took that route, and rested more before getting on with your day!
I've really got a tired headache today but still felt inspired to go out shopping and pick up some stuff I've been putting off doing, anxiety is low, at about 1/10
But I had a night full of nightmares and flashbacks I ended up with stuff all sleep but my mood is good today :Idunno:
I'm just going with it
I'm very up and down atm
Thanks andyman it's so nice to have people tell me it's ok to rest, it's like saying I'm allowed to make my own decisions I just need to believe in that and work on doing what is best for me instead of what makes everyone around me happy
I've just noticed how I struggle so much with being a supportive listener, I never know what to say and feel like I'm doing it all wrong, I want desperately to be helpful but have no faith in my ability to be so. I think it's a combination of a lack of emotional intelligence and a complete lack of confidence in this area.
The words of support that you have given me in this downpour has been helpful and I have been very glad for them. Its hard to know what another person wants to hear when they need someone to listen, but if you say something that you truly mean then I think it's all you can do.
Thank u sceal, this is obviously an issue for me as your words moved me to tears, a rare event indeed.
Thank you
i echo sceal, wb. your support for me is very appreciated. no special words needed - the heart is felt. i thank you for that. love and hugs, sweetie.
Thanks San
I am so thankful for your words of encouragement and wisdom as well :yes:
Journal
things are going great with hubby lately, 12 mths ago I was ready to leave, he pleaded to give marriage councilling a go, I had always refused councilling.
To cut a long story short I ended up in therapy and I moved to a separate house but we stayed together in marriage. We see each other daily and spend way more time in "quality time" we are both addressing issues from complex trauma and things have never been better, we're going so well. we went 20 yrs in this mediocre to poor relationship and couldn't work out why we couldn't be happy, we both have quite serious but similar trauma histories, we are both learning to trust and every day seems to bring progress.
I think living separately has made all the difference, we both need our personal space so severely that when we were in the same house our main goal was to get away from each other. Any way we had all sorts of issues as u can probably imagine, it's just so nice to be moving forward in life instead of being stuck in that dark pit all my life
WB, it's hard for those not walking in our shoes, to even begin to imagine how exhausting it is to live our lives. Not just physical exhuastion, but mental and emotional as well. It can really drain the life out of you. So, having said that, we do need to celebrate the tiniest of victories....washing our hair, or some other task that others would find trivial.
Therapy today, I noticed I always hold back from leading any discussion and want her to lead, she is making me take control of the direction of the conversation and I keep trying to avoid doing this, I was frustrated today at the direction of the conversation because she didn't steer me back to what we were meant to be talking about!
I was talking, I was the one changing direction, why was I frustrated ? Weird
Maybe I was frustrated with myself :doh:
Hey wattlebird,
I am the same way. I don't like steering the conversation and tend to be disorganized in my thought process when I do.
Avoidance is second nature to me as well. The one place I should feel safe and not avoid is in therapy and I still do it there too. :hug: Anyway, I'm sitting with you on this
I know thanks deep blue, I'm terribly avoidant it's so frustrating at times,
I'm not in a good mood today I am not even sure what this feeling is, it's a bit agitated, angry, sad, I think
T.w. Physicall Violence
I went to this party tonight and this lady started telling me how her step father used to bash her, this was the very 1st time I had met her, how are people so open about there trauma, she told me of her struggles etc because of trauma.
It has taken me the better part of a year to tell my therapist a small part of my trauma and I have never told another living soul some of that either
Is it different coping mechanisms? Must be
Or is she further along the healing process than me ?
Not to worry I was a little triggered by her but ended up being flooded by a series of small triggers and so I left. I feel much better here at home I think mostly because of the supportive way dh dealt with it.
Hey wattlebird
I have people do that to me all the time! I just met them and they are telling me their deep dark secrets :stars: I joke that it's my chubby cheeks that make me easy to talk to. Honestly, I don't know what it is about me???
In my experience, the people who are so nonchalant about their abuse have either become abusers themselves, are looking for attention, or are sociopaths and the abuse never effected them. Not everyone puts forth the effort to heal as many of us on the forum do. Good job on leaving the party :thumbup: good self care :hug:
Deep Blue - I think she was looking for attention, by the nature of the conversation, I was just astonished at the casualness of it.
TW more dv
Anyway I've since learnt that I left at the right time as some violence broke out during the party and the elderly couple hosting the event were both victims of some disgraceful physical abuse.
So today I've been a twitchy, cranky, agitated mess, I had a few big flashbacks during the night and a lot of efs today, I feel like I could cry, I'm just not sure what exactly has set me off, I think it's a combination of everything over the last few days, therapy hit a nerve, then yesterday/ party then today learning of the violence and some other triggers along the way
All the difference triggers seem to just build on each other,
I tryed to talk to hubby tonight but I was very snappy and unable to be objective about things, everything he said seemed to trigger me, so I went home,
Ok I may go sit on the porch
Hey wattlebird
I think you are probably right. Too many triggers and tiredness clustered together can send me into an EF.
I think the porch is a good idea, take care and once you are feeling more grounded then maybe the words will come easier for a talk with your hubby. Sending you love and support :hug:
Thanks deep blue
I am a lot better today, talked it out with hubby, which resolved a lot of my fears, he was badly triggered as well - so I've been having a mental health/ self care day, and so has he :thumbup:
-----
WB,
Sorry about how the events played out at the party you attended. Glad you were able to get yourself away before got too bad. I've never been to a party that wasn't a family thing. So...I don't know how I would handle it. As of yet, I've never even been invited...so probably shouldn't worry huh? ;D
My therapist recommended anxiety meds a few weeks ago, so when had appointment with psychiatrist last week, I told her. She got me on some now. That jogged my memory to you. Some weeks ago you had mentioned about CBDs helping you with your anxiety. So...a few nights ago went online and ordered me some! So excited to givethem a try! I read up on them and justknow I will get relief for a handful of things I strugle with. I'm so glad you had shared about that! :hug:
Thanks Andyman, I hope they work as well for you too :thumbup:
Well I am proud of the way I handled an awful day, hubby is badly triggered from our horrid weekend and is acting out, shall we say, we discussed it again and he basically claimed he was fine it was me with the problem, although his previous claim from the last couple of days (that I had a demon) was revoked, basically because I was completely confident that I didn't and saw it as gaslighting
I ended up saying I think it would be a good idea for us to have three day of no contact. He said he would be around anyway so I've organised alternative accommodation if it is necessary. Hopefully he will change his mind and stay away, I give it a 50/50 probability :Idunno: I've also got bags packed and in the car, I went and discussed this with a friend and she agreed with my course of action and my view of the situation, I always doubt my decisions.
I am feeling like I am starting to take control of my life :cheer:
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
I really shouldn't be celebrating while he is like this but I am so proud of myself and wanted to share
Ran off this morning and I'm sleeping in my work vehicle (it has a bed) I have had a good nap but no desire to return home- what to do?
I think it sounds good to take a step back for a while. Perhaps for the both of you, both getting room to process.
Communication is so important, but it can only be done when both is willing. And from what you're describing it sounds as if your husband is more concerned about throwing blame around than talking things through, at the moment anyway.
I hope it will resolve itself, and that you don't feel the need to sleep in your vehicle!
Quote...his previous claim from the last couple of days (that I had a demon) was revoked...
Like, what? I'm at a loss for words. How ridiculous. I wouldn't want to return yet either - hugs to you, wb, if you want. :hug:
Yes three roses that was my response as well, (it was certainly the tipping point, that helped me see things clearly)
thanks sceal but I think me sleeping in my vehicle sounds a lot worse than it is (it's a camper of sorts) not to be too specific but I'm not doing it hard, physically anyway, and I also have other accommodation at friends if necessary already pre-approved.
Sending you some strength from afar. :cheer:
Wow, congratulations to you on initiating some change in this long-term relationship! I was married for 27 years before I took a firm stand regarding some of the issues in my own marriage. I think I would have been ahead of the game had I done it 7 years sooner. It's really hard to do that with someone you've been with for so long. But, we grow and change and so do they, and so if we want to stay with them things need to be renegotiated from time to time, right?
I'm glad you are taking a stand and I hope you can see it through to a conclusion that's healthy for you. :cheer: :wave:
Thanks so much three roses and sceal
I have very mixed up feelings regarding this whole situation, but one thing I feel, thats new, is self respect !
---——---
Therapy today, it was ok I feel as though I'm starting to get somewhere at the moment, I am trying to be aware that there are ups and downs all the time, maybe I'm scared to be too hopeful, but things seem to be clear in my head at the moment. I wonder if that makes sense?
I have been worrying about DID, I am struggling with the possibility that this fits, i am also struggling with the idea I'm just getting carried away or paranoid- I fear my therapist suspects this too, but I am too gutless to ask, I really don't want to know !
It's OK if you have DID. It will be OK.
DID is an amazing survival mechanism. It's only really a problem if you have parts who are self destructive due to pain, or who argue with each other about what is best for you as a whole and who want radically different things. If you have parts who do different roles to keep you functional and safe, good. Not a bad thing.
Thanks fullofsoundandfury, im thankful for your reassurance,
I'm on this roller coaster lately, I'm really contemplating ending my marriage, I don't see any hope in things improving, when do you say enough is enough??? I am sick with grief at the dawning realisation that he will not change.
Hey wattlebird,
I agree with fullofsoundandfury too. It's a survival technique and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I'm so sorry about your grief over your marriage. I have questioned mine before and know it really makes me swallow my heart to think about. Sending you some gentle :hug: if it's ok while you sort through this stuff
Wow must be time to spill my guts
Wattlebird,
It's good to get it out of you. Carrying it around can be quite damaging in the long term. Keep spilling as much as you need to. It sounds to me that you are in a similar boat to many of us.
We grew up and assumed things in our household were normal. They were our normal so we just kept on keeping on.
Much love as you sort through it :hug:
That's awful, Wattlebirds! I'm so sorry that you had to grow up in such conditions.
What a crappy couple of days I've had
Sorry to hear you have had a couple bad days. :grouphug: we are here if you need anything.
Yes thanks deep blue, I meant to continue but was side tracked, maybe I distracted myself dunno, anyways I realised in the last couple of days some very hard truths that I'd be living in denial about and sunk pretty low, though I'm definitely on the upswing now.
Getting back on track, my d's both visited recently which was really posative, we got to talk about our family's warped way of dealing with emotions and that we both had issues surrounding emotions, we suggested that they work on emotional issues for themselves as we haven't been able to teach them this very effectively over the years, one is in therapy the other is working on it already with her partner and told us about her struggles etc.
It was reassuring to me that I can at least help them now to not remain in unhealthy ways of coping with emotional problem.
I got a pd diagnosis last week and felt as though I didn't deserve to be here on oots but have since realised I was being too hard on myself, I still have cptsd and a comorbid pd isn't that unusual. So I've pulled up my socks and got out of self pity mode and into help myself get better mode.
Yay wattlebird!
Seriously, you deserve a yay! As the minimum.
:grouphug:
how wonderful that you were able to discuss this stuff with your d's. i'm so very happy for all of you. family healing is the best.
i think you totally deserve to be here, wb. besides your pd diagnosis, you struggle with the same kinds of things the rest of us struggle with. you belong. you're welcome here, and we're glad to have you with us. besides, your struggles help so many others at the very least to know they're not the only ones going thru this crapola.
glad you're getting back on track. keep taking care of you. sending love and hugs filled with warmth and caring.
Thank u boy22 and San I appreciate your kind words very much
I've had a lovely weekend away with some friends, it's usually such a nerve racking experience (holidays) that I prefer to stay home but I got out of my comfort zone and really just enjoyed the moment, I am tired and depressed today as I quit the cigerettes yesterday and I think it's messin with me a little but not in any great way it's only been 2-3 weeks of smoking again so much easier I hope.
A nice calm day, hardly any anxiety at all. Isn't it just so nice to have a day go peacefully.
good luck getting off the cigs. been there, done that. many times. it's been different every time. i hope it goes pretty smoothly for you. love and hugs.
Thanks San I'm going well with the cigs, still off them.
I am all worn out after a big week of work, so glad it's over now.
I am struggling to voice my feelings and thoughts lately - think I am struggling with shame, yes that's it -
It's a good first step to figgure out what emotion it is that you have. I hope you'll find a way through and out of the shame-swamp land. It's not a good place to be in.
You've had alot on your plate, and quitting smoking on top of that is impressive! Keep up the great work you're doing! :cheer: It's almost week-end I hope you get to have some relaxing time then
Thanks sceal I appreciate your support, I quit smoking about a year ago but had a 2 week lapse and I'm just stopping after that lapse so it's been relatively easy thankfully.
My t started talking about being nicer to my other parts and working together, it's strange how I can appreciate the importance of someone else doing this with there parts but I seem to be lacking self compassion - I will work at that more
I'm having a hard time pushing forward on recovery lately I seem to have lost momentum, I've just encountered some obstacles, so what are the obstacles ? And why are they slowing me up? My questions to ponder
I've been reading a fair amount, and still learning lots, I've been worrying about the emotional impact I'm having on my t, I know this is her job but I still have this feeling like I'm over burdening her, but I can also see this is learnt behaviour (don't burden others with your problems) , it's just a struggle, I need to talk to her about this, yes.
Well I think I will cook something yummy for dinner and treat hubby.
Hey Wattlebird, you are there. Your burden is the obstacle between you and recovery.
I have a phone call session with my T this week, and next week it will be another face to face session. I am planning to try and disobey one of my childhood scripts for this and go in a slightly dishevelled state. The major childhood script for me was any "medical" encounter requires me to be well groomed, well attired and well mannered.
Good luck with your next session and I am sure dinner will be gorgeous.
Thanks boy that makes sense
A posative day, I got a fair bit done and was relaxed (not anxious) had a swim as well, talked with hubby for a while which was nice,
Feeling so depressed first thing in the mornings, it's always the same I wake, feel dread I need to get thru another day, try to go back to sleep until I'm ashamed of myself for sleeping half the day away, I then get up and try to get thru the day as best I can, I start to feel better mid afternoon and by night usually feel quite on top of things. It's the responsibilities of the day that overwhelm me so much and as the day passes and there are less demands on me I feel better.
I don't even have that many responsibilities to worry about but that's my major issue every morning
So as predicted I'm much happier tonight, I've been reading some books and learning heaps I've got a dbt manual and learning from that, Pete walkers book which I haven't started yet cause I'm reading a big dissociation book as well I read stop walking on eggshells twice this week and have given it to hubby and one d so far, there both half way thru, hopefully we can all learn better ways to relate to each other - I just want to be happy with life instead of contantly struggling with things that are easy for most people like shopping or whatever. I wonder if that is a realistic goal? I guess I've come a long way in this last year, so it's certainly a possibility, I'm scared to hope for this but entertaining the idea is new for me so we will start there
personally, i think it's a great place to start. i have no doubt it'll get easier for you the more you continue to learn and realize. i love the idea that you're looking toward your family being able to relate in a healthier, happier manner to each other.
keep up the good work, sweetie. love and hugs.
Thanks San
It's quite strange to change your families culture of interaction after 20+ years but everyone seems to be on board, actually my 2 eldest children (adults) seem to be quite ahead of us parents in their relational styles, I do hope we can do this, I can't see why not, I just have so much doubt that I can change, but I'll still work on it, for them.
I remember while doing dbt therapy that I wished that "normal" people would also go through that manual, because I think it can be helpful to everyone, not just people who struggle with interpersonal relationships.
Great that you're involving your family with this, and that they are open to join alongside you. I can only imagine how had it must be after 20+ years as you say to change the family dynamic. But I hope it'll be a good change for you guys!
I agree sceal, my husband keeps saying the same thing "everyone should do this " maybe teach kids at school? Not altogether sure what would work but I'm glad that my kids can learn it now as young adults instead of our age or never at all.
Quote from: Wattlebird on October 30, 2018, 01:15:54 PM
I just want to be happy with life instead of contantly struggling with things that are easy for most people like shopping or whatever. I wonder if that is a realistic goal? I guess I've come a long way in this last year, so it's certainly a possibility, I'm scared to hope for this but entertaining the idea is new for me so we will start there
Hi Wattlebird,
What you wrote here - I am glad to see you feel the possibility - and that your family are on board with you too - reading the Dissociation book has certainly given me optimism - as the people who wrote it seem to really understand. I am so glad that there are so many books out there - and that we can access them and gain from reading them.
:hug: to you, Wattlebird.
Hope :)
Quote from: Wattlebird on October 31, 2018, 08:42:52 AM
I agree sceal, my husband keeps saying the same thing "everyone should do this " maybe teach kids at school? Not altogether sure what would work but I'm glad that my kids can learn it now as young adults instead of our age or never at all.
That's a good idea. I know some schools here are teaching kids in primary school that we all react differently to different situations, and that is all okay. It's okay to have different reactions to the hardship ones fails. It's okay if one gets sad and cries, or if another gets angry and frustrated. I think that's a step in the right direction. I also know that higher up they have psychology as a subject they have to take now. It's progress! I hope it continues to grow in that direction.
Wow sceal , they have to take psychology, that's great, it was never a subject available to my kids at school but they were in a small school maybe the bigger ones have it as an elective?
Who knows :Idunno:
Journal
I was fairly industrious today, I got a lot done, and had a lot of self care about it as well, I allowed myself time for meditation, relaxation, proper meals and exercise, this is very unlike most days, and I didn't even plan it, I just listened to my needs, I now find myself being triggered by my hope that I can behave like this more consistently, Its sad that I have no faith in myself. I've done well today and I will try hard tomorrow as well that's all I can do. On another note I got t tomorrow, I'm feeling anxious about it,
Just popping in here. I teach introduction to psychology and AP psychology as electives in high school.
The counselors do psychology classes in our elementary and middle schools but they are usually small group pull outs and not for all students
hey, wb - you mentioned that you weren't sure if you could change, but a lot of the rest of what you wrote did show actual change. well done! even if it was self-care, i believe that it will impact on your relationships with your family members as well. every step counts.
my d and i have worked on our own relationship over the years, including during this time while we're living together. what's been helpful has been talking about it, having those realizations, and understanding how they came from the past. with all that, we remind each other that this relationship is not the same as what we've experienced with others, and we have been able to make changes and adjustments.
i have no doubt with you and your family working together, the healthy changes will come along. i have faith in you. sending love and a hug filled with progress, even if in small steps.
Quote from: Wattlebird on November 01, 2018, 10:50:26 AM
I've done well today and I will try hard tomorrow as well that's all I can do.
My T has to repeatedly remind me that I have been trying very hard for a very long time and maybe I should give myself a break as part of my self cares. Just managing whatever it is that I can do on any particular day with expecting every day to be full and perfect.
Thank you everyone,
Deep blue that's great, you would be a great psychology teacher too,
Thanks for your encouraging words San, I have changed a lot, I was doubting my ability to stay changed, but Boy is right, sometimes I need to stop trying so hard and relax a bit, thanks Boy
Today's journal
I hardly slept last night at all maybe I got 3-4 hrs, which isn't as bad as it felt at the time, felt like 1/2 hr.
I had my t today, it was all together overwhelming, I was dissociating quite a lot, but I did address a few subjects that have been keeping me awake at night, i have been reading a dissociation book about how some of us have (dissociated) parts within us. Well some of my parts were not happy with me telling her about them and what they do, so there were several wrestling matches in my head.
Anyway this was so draining I went home and slept for 4 hrs .
I feel like I've taken a big step somehow but I'm struggling to think about it clearly atm so I'm writing it out to maybe better understand, or just to get this written down so I feel free to forget about it for a while then I can come back to it later.
take your time, sweetie. i hope you can be patient with yourself. this stuff is so easily overwhelming, and consequently exhausting. we're here for you - i'm glad you were able to write about some of it. that sort of thing helps me, too. love and hugs.
Not feeling too stable these last few days started on the ciggies again, hubbys been away and my few friends I can count on for support are both away holidaying, hubby just rang said he was home early so I'm going to visit soon.
( we live separately )
I can't seem to hold my * together when left alone for too long, it's hard work seeing how messed up I am, I've lived in total denial for so long I can't even recognise what these feelings are, just so annoyed with myself.
I understand the feeling of annoyance and frustration all too well. I hope you'll soon start to feel better, and I hope you had a nice time with your husband.
Sending you some warm thoughts!
Quote from: Sceal on November 04, 2018, 07:57:30 AM
I understand the feeling of annoyance and frustration all too well. ...
Sending you some warm thoughts!
:yeahthat:
I live completely alone now, though I did have my Little Furries for a long time. Anyway, it's often really difficult for me to keep going day by day doing the basics, like getting up, taking my meds... so I can understand that it might be difficult for you when your h is away.
Things go more smoothly for me when I accept how I am instead of berating myself. It's hard to do that though but tiny steps count on the way there. :hug:
I've had a up and down day, I managed 2 tasks, I've assigned myself 1 task per day up to Christmas to get on top of my overwhelming to-do list, it's not that bad really I just get overwhelmed at too many things on my plate at once so I've spread them to ease my anxiety, so saved a day today.
So I was all feeling good and hubby notices the good mood and asks for a talk, he wants a separation for financial and legal reasons that I won't get into, they make perfect sense but.... He says we will continue on in our current relationship which is doing better than ever but... I am worried, this sent me spiralling so I went for a walk and then a surf I saw Dolphins and a huge whale breaching it was so special it lifted me right back up, now I'm cooking him dinner :stars:
Oh my goodness my head is spinning with you. That's a lot of confusing emotions. We are standing with you dear.
Wattlebird, :hug:
Thanks deep blue and boy22,
Journal
I had a horrid night of little sleep, thinking of my husbands request for seperation yesterday, my son contacted me at 4am from Europe he's had his passport stolen and is at the embassy sorting it out he has missed his flights home, please give me patience to deal with everything at once, I went for a walk before trying to relax my over stimulated self a bit and after 2 minutes nearly stepped on a snake it was just a diamond Python but scared the * out of me, so I'm home again no walking today haha
I was trying not to sleep midday as it will stuff my sleep up again tonight but I think it's going to be my best option for sanity today, so I am smoking again and was going to stop today but decided this can wait for a better mental health state before trying to stop again, I just didn't want to go too long smoking before quitting again, aw well I will just worry about that when this pack is nearly gone
So struggling a lot atm
:hug: :hug: :hug:
so sorry for so much to deal with, wb. sending love and standing with you, sweetie.
Standing with you - may I offer you a safe, gentle :hug:?
Hi Wattlebird - You have a lot to cope with at the moment - and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok. :hug: I am also standing with you. :grouphug:
Hope :)
Thanks Hope, 3 roses and San, I appreciate the support enormously, I'm so glad I'm part of this community, which for some reason is very hard for me to admit :Idunno:
Journal
My hubby and I talked a lot today, he waits till I look better emotionally then dumps the next problem on me, 3 problems today, so I spoke to him tonight and explained I wasn't coping and was barely holding it together can you lay off with the problems please, he was a bit stunned, seems he didn't realise what a mess I was inside, so I told him what was happening for me emotionally, he was sorry and gave me a nice massage to relax me, geez maybe I should explain myself better more often. :bigwink:
Wow! That must be stressful for your son and you both. Passport theft is no fun! I hope the embassy managed to help him and that he is on his way home now.
I think it sounds like a smart thing to wait with stopping to smoke until you don't have too many other stressors in your daily life. Kicking a habit can be hard and stressful in and of itself.
I am also glad that your husband listened to you and tried to help you relax a bit with a massage. It's good to hear you managed to communicate with him.
:hug:, if it is okay?
Quote from: Wattlebird on November 07, 2018, 11:23:13 AM
I told him what was happening for me emotionally, he was sorry and gave me a nice massage to relax me, geez maybe I should explain myself better more often. :bigwink:
That is great, Wattlebird. I am glad you've been able to talk and that the outcome was a positive one. :hug:
Hope :)
Had a day of relaxation and self care, and it was lovely, go to see my t tomorrow, i want to talk about 2 things my husbands request and something else spinning around in my head, I really need to plan my topics better as I keep forgetting to ask her things, I planned last week better and felt good about addressing stuff instead of avoiding all the time.
I've been doing this massive puzzle irl and I am noticing how some days I can get heaps of pieces easy and other days I can't get any, that part of my brain must be switched off then :Idunno:
I think I have a huge amount of anger bubbling under the surface, I keep getting little surges like at the supermarket today I almost kicked the shelf when they were all out of my favourite soft drink, this is very unlike me and shocked me profoundly, so maybe I should mention that to my t as well, the problem is there's never really enough time to address everything , it's so frustrating
Sending you strength my dear :hug:
hey, wb, i've heard a lot of people talk about writing down issues they want to talk to their t about as they come up, then bring the list with them for their next session. it can be difficult to remember everything that seems important all the time. maybe your t can then help you decide what needs to be tackled first, given most priority, etc. you don't have to do this alone.
so glad to hear you had good results when you talked to your hub about what's going on with you. sounds like he was very caring in his response. glad for that as well. and, yeah, maybe it would be to both of your benefit to let him in more often. let it be more give and take in your relationship.
can you begin letting out those spurts of anger in a safe manner? write about it, pound your bed, something like that? those kinds of things have helped me a lot to get it out safely and privately. i think we all struggle with anger one way or another - it makes sense we'd be mad about what's gone on in our lives.
wishing you the best, sweetie. keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? sending love and hugs to you.
Thanks San, I'm not really comfortable with showing her a list of stuff yet, not sure why but I am starting to list things for myself and yesterday I addressed the 2 main topics I was concerned about. My hubby and I have been communicating much better, and I have a punching man, like a bag but shaped like a man haha it's great I just got it for this reason thanks, better than me kicking furniture.
Thanks deep blue I appreciate the strength and hugs
Therapy yesterday, was good, she gave me strength to discuss my fears with my hubby and he was again very understanding and said we'll find another way to sort out his concerns (financial ) so I don't feel threatened with his seperation idea, not sure what to think really, it's all a bit wierd if u ask me, my t as well.
We discussed my reluctance to cry in t, and my bottling it all up and what the blockage is, I really thought it was due to my m aggression whenever I got angry, but after coming home and reading my dissociation book about emotions, I remembered being relentlessly teased whenever I cried, this was not a one off either, so I feel like I found a big piece of the puzzle, now to deal with the emotions surrounding that. Sigh
Somehow I'm feeling much more hopeful today anyway
Ummm, hey Wattlebird,
The crying thing. The public expression of emotion. Or rather not.
I still don't understand this. I really don't understand how other people can emote but I cannot.
I am feeling the same things but my public persona cannot allow it.
my son has got his emergency passport and is on his way home, his other passport was stolen, he sent me a copy of his photo on the new passport and he looks very annoyed, it is funny but not really. At least he sees the humour in it. So I've got an big day tomorrow 10 hrs in the car to go get him and bring him home from the airport, but I'm excited to see him he has been away 3 mths, so my daughters are meeting us for dinner before we drive home, they live in the city. It will be good to see them as well, I have been irritated and snapping all day but chose to write about a more posative subject instead of dwelling on my negative emotions, I get so sick of trying to understand myself that sometimes I need a time out from analysing emotions, so I've given myself permission to just focus on the good today
Safe drive and I hope you enjoy the time with your family. :hug:
Time out, well deserved.
:applause:
Got my son home, thank goodness, it was so nice to see him, got a big complicated job this week, worked on it all day, I'm usually pretty anxious on these jobs but I was ok today so put in a full day, :thumbup: first full day in ages.
I'm just going to relax tonight, maybe read some more, listen to music and do my jigsaw puzzle
focusing on the good today and giving yourself a break from analyzing your emotions - sounds like a recipe for progress. yay, you.. love and hugs/
Thanks San it's hard not to criticise myself over being slack with my emotions work, but I keep telling myself I will be better off if I take breaks occasionally.
Journal,
Today I met up with a friend for tea, and then worked for a few hrs had a sleep cause I was sooo tired. Talking to my son today and he told us he had a seizure while he was away on holidays, hmm trying not to stress about this but seizures are not good, he thinks it may be because of very low blood pressure because he has problems with this before, and it happened when he stood up too quick, but I sent him off to the doctors anyway. Not something to brush under the carpet. It's so annoying, I feel like he has had his fair share of suffering as he was burnt to 25% of his body when he was 14 and went thru a lot with that, took 18mths in a burn suit and is quite scarred physically and mentally from the experience, luckily his face never scarred much just a couple of coin size marks, the children's hospital had a great psychologist who worked with him during this time for ptsd, and he has had a few flashbacks which he knew how to handle well, one was at school in science class during a prac, he said he just went and sat in his seat and put his head down till he felt better, he said the teacher was really good about it too, might have helped he was wearing a burn suit at the time. ( helped the teacher know what was going on ) it's so so helpful to have good teachers like that. Anyways hopefully he hasn't developed epilepsy from the trauma as I know this can happen. Argh I am stressing myself out, OK change subject. My job I'm working on is not going well, it needs me to be alert and focused, and thinking clearly which only happens for a few hrs at a time, I worked for 3 hrs today and got nowhere except to discover previous mistakes it's pretty frustrating so I ended up with brain fog and went home to bed at least I'm able to do that with my work, perfect for me and my mental health, and my hubby is much much better about me doing this now, since my diagnosis, ( it's not me just being lazy, as he used to insist ) so there's a good side to this diagnosis after all :cheer:
Therapy today, it was ok, my t has a chunk of holidays coming up, she has been prepping me as the last 2 small breaks she's had sent me into a spiral of despair, this annoys me so much, I feel like such a baby chucking a tantrum. I am humiliated that I'm so attached to her that I can't handle her having holidays. Why can't I be logical about this? And in the middle of this break we have my entire foo coming to stay for chrissy, ow man what have I done. I don't trust my immediate family not to discuss my diagnosis with them either, they don't seem to make the connection of complex trauma and foo, probably because I've given very few details of the causes of my trauma, although I'm guessing hubby has made connections as he is a fair bit cooler toward them lately, ( they asked him to do a job for them last week and he just said no, get someone else to do it, haha) not his usual response at all, what if he says something to them, my m will probably whinge to me about it but I really don't care, I'm glad he said no they just use him anyway. My m (bpd) I think, undiagnosed anyway, she uses our families trade skills a lot and refuses to pay for 1/2 of it, I tolerated this with my hubby, because it was his choice but when she did it to my kids I was very upset, so were they, their kindly gramma had ripped them off, they were very upset. I really didn't think she would do this to them as she has always been generous with them and they adored her, it was a slap in the face really.
Anyway I need to stop with all the what if's and plan for myself,
We discussed some early trauma today, with no emotions involved, I think my t is getting frustrated at my lack on emotional responses to these traumas, she's focusing a lot on it, but it's just not there atm, actually it's probably me getting frustrated not her, she seems more effected by what I'm saying than me, I don't know if she is just mirroring an appropriate response to me or what, she just looks sad and sympathetic, I'm so unused to getting sympathy that it has confused me a little. Anyway enough reflecting today, I do feel a bit better getting that stuff off my chest.
Hey Wattlebird,
There is an awful lot of resonance in your post. I am still working on regaining connections with my siblings. The scripts I and they were given set us on a collision course that we have yet to fully recover from.
My advice, if I may, is to work out how you can have a safe space to retreat to when you need to. My father's 80th birthday is next month. I have my safe placed planned nearby.
hey, wb, our wounds go to different places for each of us. i hope you can eventually accept that what you've been thru has affected you in your own way, including the whole thing around emotions or being w/o your t for a period of time. i was ridiculed for showing emotion (especially crying) many times when i was a kid, and i stopped crying for over 30 yrs.
i think it's a defense mechanism, and when you're ready, you'll find your emotions and they'll find you, and eventually you'll be able to express them appropriately. i'm now able to cry all over the place, over both pos. and neg. things, but it didn't happen all at once. for awhile, i was even crying without knowing why. it took a while to get a handle on that.
so, please, be patient with yourself. our emotional responses were often stifled when we were young, and i think it's easy to lose track of what emotions truly belong where. we'll be here for you, too, when your t is gone - i know it's not the same, but you won't be alone. i think some of that dependency stems from the idea that you've finally found a safe person to be with. sounds natural to me that you'd miss that when they're gone.
keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? sending love and a caring hug.
Thanks boy, I have several escape options, I have a vehicle set up like a camper it's my run away from life van, I used to escape in it often, now not so much but it's there waiting if I'm desperate, also it's a large property with many escape options. I planned escape when I planned to have them over.
Thanks San, stupid emotions, can't live with them, can't live without them, they will emerge eventually, I'm getting small waves of grief and shame but they cut off pretty quickly, took me a bit to work out what they were too. But certainly I am making progress, especially with this book hope and I are reading, helps me understand how to approach this in a practicle way I understand, talking with my parts has been a wierd but helpful experience, I sometimes wonder if I'm losing the plot with all this inner dialog happening but remind myself it's in the book, they tell you to do it, your not crazy have inner meetings and seems like every meeting more parts show themselves there's a crowd almost, it's a bit overwhelming but working out, we are definitely making progress. Thanks
:cheer: :grouphug:
Mmhmm :grouphug:
Just talked half the day with hubby we have decided to separate after Christmas if we still agree then, as we are both rather impulsive and want to give the decision time.
I feel quite relieved that we have agreed to this as it was so up in the air, but we have both agreed that there are unresolvable issues that we are unwilling to change.
What to say about this ?
I'm not sure how I feel, but it's a mix of relief, pain, grief, sadness, and hope, yes hope I'm surprised at that, haven't had hope in a long time.
So me quitting smoking only lasted a few days till today.
It was so weird, i really talked well, I am usually so triggered by these talks that I can't explain my side of things but today I was able to say what was on my heart without flipping out and so could he, I'm certain he has cptsd as well, he certainly has narcissistic tendencies but he is willing to change actions, but not around emotional support, he can't or is unwilling to support me emotionally as I recover and I understand this as I have been quit emotionally abusive in the past and he has suffered as a result.
We have both healed enough to see we are just co-existing, what a mess.
So big bash at Christmas, we should announce it at Christmas dinner haha what a downer that would be.
We are very amicable about it all even splitting assets was easy, I think he was relieved I didn't ask for more as he is receiving a very large inheritance soon, but I'm very happy with what I'm getting, it will be enough (although tight) to live on if I'm not working and I can work most of the time.
Well I found some tears today, argh what a mess.
This made me chuckle:
Quotewe should announce it at Christmas dinner haha what a downer that would be.
I'm sorry for the split but join you in hoping for a better, brighter future for you with the support you need. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
I would also like to wish you the best in the decision you've made, and hope that you get the support that you need - and sending you a supportive hug :hug: if that's ok.
Hope :)
I'm so sorry wattlebird,
I'm sorry for your grieving. On the other hand, maybe that you were able to speak so well is an indication that you are doing the right thing? Here if you need us :grouphug:
Thanks db, 3r and hope,
Yes I'm not that bad really, sure I'm upset and grieving but I really think it's the correct decision and I'm quite hopeful for a better future for us both, I'm pretty sure we will remain friends, at this stage anyway. Maybe I'm in denial but I don't think so, it's so nice to spill all this somewhere safe, thanks for caring
A better day more talking and sorting out finances and what not, but I was amazingly calm and relaxed, I think my day of talking and crying yesterday has done me the world of good plus his attitude is great. This is starting to feel like it's going too well, isn't it meant to be a sh*t fight, I'm sorry to say I feel as though I've just been pardoned from prison, ow dear I don't think I'll share that with him.
hey, wb,
feels like being pardoned from prison? um, yeah, sounds like maybe you made the right decisions. funny how those kinds of realizations often come after the fact. i am sorry for the split, the grieving, all the painful stuff. glad you're feeling better, tho.
sending love and a big hug filled with hope for a good/better future.
Thanks San
Yes I think it's the right decision, I've been far to excited about the future, I'm really trying to rein in my these feelings around hubby as he is devestated at his "failure",
I told d2 about the seperation but then my d1 turned up Tuesday night with her partner, she is pregnant, :cheer: I'm so excited but have to rein that in too, there both devestated, she is and has always been anti- abortion in her beliefs and now feels trapped into motherhood, he definitely doesn't want it and is telling us he was going to give the relationship a time out before this, he is staying around atm because he doesn't want to abandon her, but it seems I'm going to be a grandma, omg I am so excited, I really do feel enormous compassion for her/ them but hubby and I have got smiles about the 1st grand kiddy she can come live with me I've got 2 rooms she can have, she thinks this is likely atm. But in the mean time we need to sort out what they are actually going to do, so I'm not telling them our news yet she is totally overwhelmed already.
So everything is happening this week big big life changes.
Hi Wattlebird,
This is exciting news to hear you're going to be a Grand-parent :cheer:
Hope :)
Wow, a grandbaby! Happy news indeed! Congrats :applause:
Thanks for the congrats 3r and hope,
All my visitors have gone home now, I had therapy this morning, after t I came home and slept the rest of the day away, it's now middle of the night, so in the last 24 hrs I've slept at least 17 hrs, too much emotional upheaval really knocks me out, I am very depressed today ... I don't even know what to say about it but I still have a strong desire to go back to bed and avoid thinking.
Thought maybe journal might help but it's just making me anxious, :Idunno:
Hi Wattlebird,
Be kind to yourself - you have done a lot of processing - and the fact you want to sleep - that's ok. So much emotional upheaval and that takes its toll. Take care - do whatever you need to do - but most of all - take care.
Hope :)
Thanks hope, I slept and rested a lot, and today I feel a lot better.
Journal
I was a lot more motivated today, I did jobs that have been waiting months, I've been trying to sort out our health insurance to cover d2's outpatient care next year she's in a 12 mth dbt program and pscholigist visit every week, and my t each week as well, so money will be very tight next year.
I'm fairly anxious atm but I've noticed my anxiety (in general ) has improved a lot over the last couple of months, and my current anxiety isn't even at my old "normal" everyday levels. So dealing with this week I can see how much I have progressed, :cheer:
I was talking to my m the other day and she was telling me how she used to think I was a saint and could do nothing wrong, (golden child) she no longer thinks this (thank God), she was also telling me how hard it was for her and my f during a certain major family trauma, she was talking about how her and my f were just crying and holding each other in bed, I was so annoyed at this, I was the main victim and I remember being utterly traumatised alone in my bed, no one ever comforted me - ever, I was tempted to say something but didn't as usual.
I think she was trying to make excuses for the way I was treated during this time, she knows it damaged me profoundly the trauma and their abandonment ( they left the country ) without any acknowledgement of my pain, I told them I wasn't coping ( the only time I've asked for help) but they said quote " bad luck" and left. So why on earth she thinks I'm going to have compassion on her and the hard time she had is really another slap in the face if u ask me.
Now I'm getting all triggered but the conversation has been niggling me for days and thought I'd have a rant. I've deleted most of my rant and swearing.
This has all resurfaced because of some other family problem similar in nature but not quite so serious. I hope she doesn't continue this at Christmas. :stars:
:bighug:
sending love and comforting hugs. i'm just sorry you didn't get them when you needed them. that sucks.
Thanks San hugs much appreciated
Journal
A better day today, got a lot of work done, again, wow 2 days in a row, on a roll. I am really getting a lot out of this dissociation book, I can really connect with what it says, I have been getting to know my parts and it's really helping a lot with my anxiety over situations and responsibilities that I have usually avoided, of course I still have a lot of work to do, I've only really got to know 4 parts,( I sense another 3 at least but they are pretty quiet) I was getting confused about parts and who was who so asked them to give themselves nicknames, I've got elf she's 3, red, black, and mother, mother now looks out for the young ones, my parts are not wanting me to reveal any more about themselves except elf she doesn't care, she is much happier.
So this feels pretty weird talking about my parts but I wanted to acknowledge them and tell you all how brave my parts have been and how they are trying to work together or without conflict at least.
:grouphug:
Quote from: Wattlebird on November 25, 2018, 01:11:26 PM
I wanted to acknowledge them and tell you all how brave my parts have been and how they are trying to work together or without conflict at least.
:grouphug: to you Wattlebird - and really good that you're doing this, and acknowledging the bravery of your parts - and working together in that way.
Hope :)
Just wanted to celebrate with you :cheer: 2 days of feeling good is a positive step and I hope you have many many more
I got less done today, but what I did get done is great, I finally got a project working that has taken me around a year to work out, but little by little, I solved many problems and its up and running, I was so stunned, I realise I fully expected further problems, so there's still work to do but all the hard part is DONE thank goodness.
This project has been a major source of inner conflict and criticism. I don't think I ever believed I could do it, and only persisted at my h's insistence that I was capable of doing it.
so I gave myself the rest of the day off and went for a swim, which was lovely. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: right there with you.
that project, your small steps, perseverance, encouragement from you t - sounds like a metaphor for our healing journeys. it's great! well done, wb. love and hugs.
Well done, you! Hope you enjoyed your swim.
Thanks San and 3r I did enjoy my swim I love swimming.
Journal
I went to visit my d2 yesterday and today we went to the hospital to sign her up for group dbt next year, that all went ok, I've been very anxious dealing with her and d1's unwanted pregnancy, not to mention my seperation from hubby and trying to sort out assets etc, wow I was feeling disappointed with myself at the high levels of anxiety I'm back to, but writing that out maybe I should give myself a break, I just got home and I'm going to try relax, maybe hang out on the porch. :stars:
Hi Wattlebird,
You have so many things on your plate to deal with at the moment, and I just wanted to pop by and say that I hope that you have a relaxing break and hanging out on the Porch sounds really good. Wishing you some respite from those high levels of anxiety - and sending you a hug if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
hey, wb, nice realization. yeah, you deserve a break from all that stress. it's a lot to deal with. enjoy the porch. love and hugs.
Thanks San and hope, I've had a relaxation day today,
Ok I saw my t today, I didn't tell her about my worries about the next 4 weeks but I think she realised I was feeling quite abandoned, with my seperation from h and her going away, she told me to ring her if necessary even though I know she is actually holidaying in this time, this was so nice of her, I have never rang her before so I think she knows I will only do it if really desperate. This was lovely reassurance, I also gave her a list of my fears around emotional displays in therapy which was very scary but I think encouraging, as I have never shown her anything like that before she commented on how far I've come since the beginning of the year, so we discussed some of those fears, she really is very good I walked away feeling much more confident and reassured. When yesterday I felt hopeless and lost.
Quote from: Wattlebird on November 30, 2018, 07:38:40 AM
Ok I saw my t today, I didn't tell her about my worries about the next 4 weeks but I think she realised I was feeling quite abandoned, with my seperation from h and her going away, she told me to ring her if necessary even though I know she is actually holidaying in this time, this was so nice of her, I have never rang her before so I think she knows I will only do it if really desperate. This was lovely reassurance, I also gave her a list of my fears around emotional displays in therapy which was very scary but I think encouraging, as I have never shown her anything like that before she commented on how far I've come since the beginning of the year, so we discussed some of those fears, she really is very good I walked away feeling much more confident and reassured. When yesterday I felt hopeless and lost.
This sounds awesome, Wattlebird. I'm happy you've found such a supportive T. And I love those kind of therapy sessions that leave you with such a warm feeling.
Regards,
Ellis.
Really kind of your T to let you call her, despite being on holiday. Shows she cares about how you are doing. 😊
It was also very brave of you to bring up something you find very scary. I hope that she showed you that it wasn't dangerous for you to share your worries around emotional display.
Hey wattlebird,
Sorry I realized it's been too long since I read your posts. Sending you love and support and validation. I totally think therapists leaving or being unavailable is a huge anxiety causing problem!
I have no doubt I would loudly complain about it :bigwink:
good for you, wb. you showed a lot of courage and strength in giving your t that list. well done!
and i'm so very glad that she is so supportive, compassionate, and understanding. that is so great. i love that she gave you the calling option.
keep taking care of you. we'll be here for you in this next month. sending love and :grouphug:
Thanks San, db, sceal & Ellis
I'm feeling way better today, I guess knowing she's giving me this call option has relieved that anxiety a lot, thanks for the support and validation, it really helps me stay on top of things, knowing your all here helps a lot as well.
:grouphug:
Journal
Had a productive day shopping for household items, it was good, so often I go out to get something and come back empty handed, often the decisions are just too anxiety provoking and I get social anxiety as well, so usually just leave to get away from people, but today came home with 4 semi- major items must be a record. So I'm nearly done setting up house although I've been here a couple of months now.
Had a visit with a friend, told her about the seperation from h, she wasn't surprised, I told my m last night too, she wasn't surprised either lol, so why are we the only ones in a bit of shock, denial denial denial, aw well. I keep swinging from deep despair to excited relief at freedom, today I'm the latter, so that's good.
Another good day, chatted with an old school friend which was nice, I seem to be feeling a bit more confident socially, a little anyway, Did lots of cleaning today which was good, more things are getting done as well, it's nice to see improvements leaking into my daily life.
I was beginning to worry about my overall calm acceptance of our seperation, every time I see my h he is crying again, and he's not usually a cryer, I don't feel much at all really except relief, am I that cold hearted or am I burying my feelings, I don't know.
Hi Wattlebird,
Just sending you a hug, if that's ok :hug: - I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed chatting with your old school friend - that's nice. Also really good that you are feeling a bit more confident socially - and did that cleaning too - :cheer:
People react in different ways to situations - your husband crying - he's letting some emotions out - you're feeling relief - you both can feel things at a pace that feels right - I doubt very much that you are cold-hearted - you come across as warm-hearted to me - just because you don't cry or react in a certain way at a certain time, it doesn't mean you're not warm-hearted - I think our parts protect us - and will allow us to feel things when the time feels right to them. Just my thoughts.
Take care,
Hope :)
I honestly don't think you're being cold hearted. Just because someone else is feeling differently than you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way you are feeling.
I can relate to the feeling of relief after breaking away from people who were detrimental to my healing. I think you're brave! Can't wait to see where this takes you.
Today we got the paper work finalised for the seperation, so i need to take it to be witnessed by my solicitor tomorrow, so h remarked today on my lack of emotional response and upbeat attitude, (which I have been trying to dampen around him, unsuccessfully it seems) and we discussed it all and I think I've worked it out, I said that I've just felt relief at the constant triggering of trying to please him, and since that pressure is gone now, the triggering and the constant feeling of anxiety are gone too, I was working so hard at trying to be someone I'm not to keep him happy that to give up this hopeless quest has been an utter relief. I didn't quite put it so harshly to him but that is how I'm feeling about it.
Trigger warning suicide mention
So it helped how we discussed my foo's attitude to us and his m's suicide last year and how foo's utter refusal to see the truth about people, h was talking to a group of foo members and mentioned his m had a mental health problem (she was diagnosed bipolar) and her sister said no no she just had a bit of anxiety!! They know her diagnosis and she did suicide, how can she not see this is a mental health issue, he is mystified by there attitudes and denial as he was the only family member trying to help her and telling them they she needed help NOW, my d even rang an embulance for her once during a very bad episode and when my h's brother arrived home he sent them away, anyway foo rant over.
End of trigger
So now he is upset he is being seen as the bad guy once again (by my parents) as they are blaming him for everything and utterly refuse to hear anything against me real or not, we both agree it's 50/50 we both have cptsd and other personality disorders but both of us do love each other but we recognise our issues and agree that it will never work, we just trigger each other all day long and he refuses therapy and refuses to change his personality traits that trigger me, so :Idunno:
This is really the first time I've organised it all in my head since we first reached this conclusion and it comforts me to reestablish the reasoning behind it all.
Thanks hope and 3r for telling me u don't think I'm cold hearted, warmed my heart ;D
I am glad that you're feeling upbeat and more of relief. It's good that you no longer walk around feeling like you have to please him and make him feel happier at your expense.
I'm glad that you are feeling relief during this process. Walking on egg shells is so triggering to me. Your words indicate you will be feeling more free to explore whom your true self. Much love :yes:
Thanks db and sceal
Yes it's good, shows how how much pressure there was that I wasn't aware of until it was gone.
Journal
anxious today, not entirely sure why, but I know h was irritating me, also I rent my house out Airbnb over xmas season and bookings are coming in thick and fast, having to deal with people I don't know stresses me heaps and I've been talking to renters thru out the day, may just be everything, saw a solicitor yesterday for the seperation, my solicitor kept chuckling at the documents and I asked what was funny, he said it was the simplest most easy going seperation he has ever dealt with, I told hubby and he said his solicitor said he was gunna ring Guinness book of records for the easiest seperation ever. So that's nice to know how civil we are both being and not arguing over anything. I always envisioned a massive fight over money (he has money issues) but he has gladly given me what I asked for no comments even, except he would prefer me not to sell these assets so the kids will inherit them which was my intention anyway, but he also is understanding he no longer has a say. What a massive relief that is.
Anyway enough for now
wow, wb, well done to both of you for being civil about this, and i'm very glad for you that you're seeing what a strain it's been while staying in that relationship. i can totally relate. my hub and i still talk on the phone each week, we're there for each other, but man, am i glad i'm not living with him anymore. the difference in stress levels was amazing to me. so, i get what you're saying about feeling relieved, even if it's not for the same reason.
i can't imagine having to interview all those people. that's quite a project. i hope you give yourself some down time during the process.
love and :hug:
Thanks San, I'm glad for what you wrote, I'm very glad to be away from him but also are remaining friends, a bit unusual it seems but I'm glad you have a similar experience, I keep thinking if we are still such good friends we should be able to make it work, but after 20yrs we both understand it's not going to work.
We are actually going away together tomorrow on a planned trip we didn't want to cancel so hopefully that doesn't turn into a disaster but I don't think so, just a couple of nights - should be able to manage,
I had a horrid night last night and slept most the day away, sleeping in is a major trigger for h, and a major major cause of problems in the marriage, he can not tolerate it at all, and he knows I turn my phone on silent, if I'm sleeping during the day.
Today I had 4 missed calls and then he turned up and woke me up, just to ask some stupid question which was like are u angry with me? I quickly told him to get lost, his phone calls made me defiant and I stayed in bed longer (an old pattern ) he refuses to leave messages, which is how I know it's not urgent. What a pest.
I was continuing dwelling on this sleeping issue and remembered when we were engaged and had an argument about how I slept too long ( in his opinion) I have always needed 10 hrs to get by and cope with life, he says 7 is optimal and sees anything longer than this as a sign of depression or laziness and his solution is simply sleep 7 hrs and u won't be depressed. So I said pre marriage that if sleeping this long is going to be an issue we shouldn't marry, he said we can just see what happens but I was firm on this point because I knew I couldn't cope with less, he reluctantly agreed, just to stop the argument. So he spent are whole marriage trying to get me to sleep less it was ok when he worked and I had day naps when the kids were at school but then he semi retired and worked from home, I used to hide to sleep or go out in the van I set up with a bed in it to sleep in that, the problem is whenever I'm triggered I get very very tired and regulate my emotions with sleep. He is still convinced he is right so try's to "help me" by continuously waking me and lecturing me on the benefits of getting up early argh he mows the grass outside my window or some other loud noise and if u dare comment that it woke u then all * breaks loose. My t has said a few things about his hatred of my sleeping but I usually brush it, not quite able to deal with my feelings around this as I have a lot of shame at my excessive sleeping and feel he is right but could never manage to discipline my sleep habits.
:zzz: :zzz: :zzz:
I think it's preposterous that people don't realize that each person is different! I need a solid 9 hours of sleep to be able to get thru the next day without napping, but my husband feels groggy after about 7.5 hours. (He rarely gets that much uninterrupted sleep anymore but that's a different conversation.)
That would totally piss me off, to be told how much sleep to get! I'm afraid I'd have to put my foot down and he would have to learn not to cross me on that issue. My sleep is important to me, if for no other reason than this is when your body heals itself.
Hi Wattlebird,
I also think that people vary so much regarding their need for sleep - and that it wasn't fair that your husband was trying to dictate to you on how long you could sleep and then trying to scupper your sleep when you were trying to sleep - at least you'll be able to enjoy as many hours of sleep as you need - without being disturbed - now that you've separated. Sleep is so important, and I hope you enjoy some comforting sleep tonight - or whenever you want to sleep - day or night. :hug:
Hope :)
Yes 3r
I did put my foot down many many times hence the mower and other tactics to wake me, it was never resolved, one of the main issues for seperation. I could really rant about him but won't let that anger out atm.
Thanks hope, yes I agree and I have been sleeping to my hearts content :cheer:
:cheer: to 'sleeping to my heart's content' - that is wonderful. :)
Hope :)
holy moly, i've been thru this as well. i'm with the others, wb - everyone finds their own best amt. of sleep, and no one deserves to be dictated to (been there - it sucked). altho i can't usually get enough sleep during the night, my naps have been important to me for decades. often, they're when i get the most restful sleep of a 24-hr. period.
and i hate being woken up when i nap, more so than when i sleep at night. it's like it's my private time, my safe space, and i'm not only protective of it, but possessive of that time as well. i totally get it. so glad you don't have to deal with it (mostly) anymore.
sending love and a hug full of restful sleep to be used whenever you want.
Sounds awful.
I'm sorry. Sleep is instrumental and highly individual.
Thanks sceal, San and hope, for the support, and validation, for so long I was ashamed at my "laziness" but my t has validated my tiredness and explained why I need more sleep. It's a relief to sleep without guilt. :yes:
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On Friday I signed our seperation paperwork, then went away for the weekend with h, wierd I know but it was ok - a pre planned work based trip
All weekend h said many times " ow I can't tell you what to do anymore" this was the one thing that I noticed more than anything, we fought all the time about being told what to do and he always denied he constantly told me what to do, eat, drink, how to behave, where to park, what to buy etc. I really think he saw how much he did it when he realised he couldn't do it anymore.
So that was good I guess, it was a nice weekend but it didn't set off any regrets, even though he was well behaved all weekend I still felt validated that I'd made the correct decision to separate, I think he was not regretting either, we talked a lot.
Anyway glad to b home,I had a great surf this afternoon I usually don't discuss surfing as its a bit identifying but today was so good that I had to share the Stoke ! I need to stop smoking as I was huffing and puffing something bad. :sharkbait: ;)
Wattlebird,
I'm with ya. I'm one of those people that need more sleep too. I wonder if it is because I'm such a light sleeper? I don't feel guilty about it ;D :zzz:
I'm glad you had fun on the waves. Hang loose :thumbup:
I'm really angry today, I'm so annoyed with d2 she rang yesterday telling me how much her therapy is going to cost I said ok I'll pay for that. Then after checking my bank account noticed her phone bill and music account are still coming out of my bank, I've been asking her to change it since April, so I sent her a message telling her I'd change my credit card if she didn't change it, as I can barely afford my own, she is 18 and working, she only asked me to stop being rude to her, I wasn't rude in the 1st message but ended up being rude at the response, I told her that I'd been asking her this for months just do it!! Now she hasn't responded at all.
I'm so tempted to write an abusive message about how everyone just uses me and wants help from me continuously and doesn't give a * about what I ask in return. I'm so so annoyed I think it's an ef judging by the intensity of the anger, so I'm trying not to act rashly but :aaauuugh:
I think I'm going to hide in my house and bash up Bob ( my punching bag shaped like a man )
After pacing around the house I've decided to respond to her but here instead of irl, I don't want to set her off or be irrational with her.
Don't worry I'll go to the bank and change my card, pay for your insurance, pay for your therapy which I have to go back to work to afford, since I've got to pay for my therapy too, I'm helping d1 move tomorrow after 5 hrs of driving and sleeping in my car maybe I'll fit it in between that and fixing h's ... Which he wants done today that will take hrs ow yeah and swap the trust into his name today as well as s wants work done by xmas but is too polite to nag, h hasn't signed the seperation papers yet but wants me to do all my side "before I start thinking irrationally again" including signing property over to him ect. But I've noticed all the debt hasn't been transferred to him yet either, so don't stress yourself too much by doing a 5 minute job, I'll sort it all out for you again. I hope you have enough money for your drugs or do u want me to pay for them as well, and be polite about it while I'm working my * off to fix everyone else's cr*p, s hasn't transferred his phone yet but gives me the cash each month, maybe you could pay for the phone with all those medical rebates u kept from the therapy I paid for!!!!
Should I send that ??? Maybe I should
my dear wb, your experience felt so familiar, i just had to share. i don't know you or your d, but i know me and mine. she would take all my money and more any time she could get away with it. in the end, it was all about boundaries, standing up for mine, and standing up to her. that scared the crap out of me.
it wasn't until i took my power back rather than hoping that she would be respectful of me that things changed. i don't think it's 'rude' at all to state your wants/needs, and to place a firm boundary where YOU need it, rather than where she wants it. i was also the one who was continually sucked dry by others, and the only way that stopped was after i stood firm and resolute in what was ok for me and what wasn't.
this is not necessarily easy by any means. it was a process i had to go thru, and my d, in the end, did not take it well. i don't know if it might be different with yours, but, unfortunately, if drugs are in the scene, well . . .they cost a lot of money to keep in one's life. my d was also into drugs.
forgive me if i'm being too blunt. this is only my experience, my thoughts, and my opinions. i really hope the best for you and that you are able to figure out how to get back control of your finances. i'm saying this with love. :hug:
Thanks San
I definitly don't think your being too blunt, I know you are right.
I did end up sending that message and her reply was to ask me to stop dumping my problems on her, :aaauuugh: I've been crying and angry all day ( very unusual ) but good progress I guess :pissed: just feels so bad and now I feel bad for sending that message in the tones I used, I should have done it in a better mood. I snapped h head off when he tryed to give me a dozen eggs from the farm, :doh: yes I'm going to sort out some boundaries and stick to it. But not today I'm going to bed before I start on someone else.
Thanks San I really needed someone on my side this time, I appreciate you sharing about your d as well.
Sorry I'm late to see this post, but wattle bird, you deserve to set boundaries, it doesn't matter what they are, they are yours to set. You get to decide how you will be treated. Hugs and support to you! :hug:
QuoteI'm so so annoyed I think it's an ef judging by the intensity of the anger, so I'm trying not to act rashly but :aaauuugh:
What if you're angry because you... well, are angry. You've every right to be angry. She has treated you thoughtlessly.
She is only 18 tho and so there's hope for her yet, provided she sees someone modeling healthy boundaries. I'm not saying you, but somewhere she needs to see the need for healthy boundaries, if only for her own benefit.
But if you've been hurt, or taken advantage of, or whatever... You've been mistreated and anger is a valid and appropriate response! Anger is not bad, it's a natural emotion without which we are pretty much powerless to enact painful but necessary changes in our lives.
I say be angry. A person can feel intense anger without being dramatic about it. One needn't raise their voice or be sarcastic. Those are only things to make you feel you need to apologize for later.
Be angry, try to stay calm, and be honest. I'll cheer you on from the sidelines! (and maybe learn how to get in touch with my own ;))
Thanks 3r
Yes I was confused at my anger, I very rarely get angry and only have been mildly annoyed at my kids, so didn't know what was going on but you are right of course I can be angry and not be nasty as a result, in my mind anger = abusive, so it was disowned and now I'm trying to accept all my parts it's raised its head.
Quotenow I'm trying to accept all my parts it's raised its head.
Awesome! :cheer:
you know, wb, for the longest time i didn't let myself get angry about my d and what she was doing. i was actually scared of it, scared that it might chase her away and that i would lose her. i even ended up having nightmares about it, which was totally disconcerting.
i agree with 3r that your anger is natural, and perhaps even necessary. she was violating your boundaries, being disrespectful, and otherwise unpleasant to you, who has done so much for her. i think it takes practice being angry in a non-abusive way because we often didn't have role models for it or experience with it. so, i hope you don't beat yourself up about that message you gave her - it was sort of like a first draft, it seems, and we all know first drafts aren't perfect.
but, you got it out, plus you got it out where it belonged, and i say :thumbup: to that. well done. you'll be able to keep figuring out this anger thing as you go along, but i think you made a great first step here. love and hugs, sweetie.
Thanks San and 3r
I apologised to my d2 for the sarcastic message and explained why I was angry, I also changed my credit card so it won't happen again.
I don't think she comprehended that she was in any way at fault for what she did or said, but I'm not going to argue over it, I'm just setting firm boundaries with her, she is very manipulative and guilts me into a lot of stuff but I am going to try and be strong with boundaries while still being loving and supportive and respectful. The rest is up to her.
On a related topic I've been trying to understand a bit more about why I have this need to keep people happy or please them and also I've noticed, not to let anyone worry about me. If I think someone is worrying about me I feel tremendous guilt, I know my t was worried about me before she left on holidays and I've been so tempted to send her a message that I am fine, why this need to reassure people when really I'm not fine at all. Something to ponder.
I just watched 2 old favourite movies, from my early teens it was fun.
wow, i could've written your post almost word for word.
best to you with your d. mine was also very manipulative, used guilt as a weapon (it worked really well for a long time), and extremely intelligent. she definitely knew how to get at me, make me waver, and eventually cave in too many times for too many years. sending love, sweetie, and a hug full of strength.
if you ever feel wobbly, you're welcome to write here, or pm me. i get it. well done with your credit card, too.
Hi Wattlebird!
It's a hard nut to crack that one, the one with having to keep people happy or to please them in some way. It's so hard to always maintain it, and it takes so much out of you. Because, atleast for me, I've gotten to the point I'd really like it if someone saw through the BS of "no, no I'm fine. Everything is alright. Don't worry", but I don't voice it outloud. I wonder, perhaps it is a defence strategy? It makes you small, unnoticeable and therefore a less likely target?
I'm glad watching the movies were a good thing! Selfcare is important! :cheer:
Sceal, yes some sort of defence strategy for sure - just not sure if it's don't look at me or something else, something to ponder I guess.
Thanks San I may just do that if I get wobbly thanks, sounds as though we have had very similar experiences, I really love having people understand what life is like for me for a change.
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Last night I had my d2 ring me in hysterics, she lost another job and was talking of dying.
Well I immediately started to dissociate, but realised and sort of pulled myself back reassured my parts and told them this was too important.
I then remained present and empathetic, I didn't offer financial support to reassure her, I just told her to take deep breaths slow down, reassured her that it was just a job, we discussed why she keeps losing jobs a bit and I reassured her the dbt training next year would help her sort these issues out and it was A borderline issue that was common, she seemed to be way calmer at the end of the conversation and thanked me a lot.
:applause: for me, I somehow untriggered myself and actually feel like I was in control instead of panicked band aid solutions I supported without enabling. I really can't remember a time when an emotional outburst hasn't resulted in dissociation.
Then an hr later d1 rang she was very concerned at d2 as she got her this job and works with her so heard of her dismissal and was trying to contact her with no results or replys she was concerned for her safety. We then had a long talk about her own emotional problems and the course she started that day "a 3 day intensive about dealing with emotions and how to manage them sort of thing " 12 hrs a day, she told me of her issues with d2 and how she wanted to break down that wall she had built. I was also able to remain present with her, it was all very satisfying. I know that sounds wierd to be satisfied at my children's distress but I was satisfied at there openness and at my reaction.
:cheer:
well done. :yourock:
:hug:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Good job!
Thanks guys
It warmed my heart when I saw my cheersquad cheering me on :cheer:
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I've been pondering my lack of feelings again :whistling:
My mum told me she been for tests etc and she hasn't got the results yet or finished all the tests but the doctor told her best case is kidney disease, I was empathetic and concerned to her face but I have been fascinated at my utter lack of concern for her, I'm not sure if I'm not facing reality or that I really don't care, she has caused me a lot of pain in the past, plus several severer traumas, though we do have an amicable relationship if not that healthy. you know I just spent some time thinking this through I think it's a self defence mechanism (if that's the right word) she has hurt me so significantly in the past I will not be hurt by her again I've cut off my feelings for her. How come the amicable apparently loving relationship we have if I've no feelings for her then? obligation ? I'm still playing out golden child roll? No I hope not :doh: to keep her happy, I must care on some level, I hope anyway
I think you could be on to something there wattlebird. Maybe your mind is still protecting you from the damage done before.
Try not to beat yourself up over it. Do you think the unfeeling part is a bit of depersonalization or dissociation regarding her? Just wondering.
Sending you some love sweetie
:bighug:
:yeahthat:
some good points raised here. please, as db says, be gentle with yourself. maybe it's just what it is at the moment. i don't think you need to pressure yourself about it. sending love and hugs your way.
QuoteHow come the amicable apparently loving relationship we have if I've no feelings for her then?
Desire for peace? Avoidance of drama? Idk, this sounds pretty healthy to me...
Yes a bit of depersonalisation with my m I think, probably I think I've worked out why I keep thinking I have no feelings lately,
I am no longer being triggered by things or much less than before, I've always lived with multiple triggers daily now I'm only being triggered a couple of times a week if that and there absence feels wierd I feel like everything is so calm and and unemotional.
I think I've got it :woohoo:
It's been bugging me for weeks.
:woohoo: :cheer:
:woohoo:
that's great news, wb. you go! love and hugs, sweetie.
Thanks San and three roses
Yes good news indeed, this dissociation book I'm working thru has really helped with the triggers my "parts" are a lot calmer and seem to be less reactive.
I have been so busy this last week, prepping for Christmas, doing jobs for people, who all want it done by Christmas and trying to deal with d2 in an appropriate way, and setting up the house for renters over xmas, I've been walking around with half a headache and think it's my neck out, I've had problems with it since I injured it as a teen, and stress sets it off. Ow and a kangaroo died in my yard today and I had to drag it to the bush so that didn't help any, but I certainly got my exercise. Poor roo :sadno:
Anyway I need a big long sleep :wave:
Sounds like a lot on your plate and that you're managing a lot :cheer:
Good long sound :zzz: :zzz: to you
hoping you get the sleep you need, sweetie. love and :hug:
hope the sleep helps!
:zzz: :zzz: :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
You are managing a lot - well done - and I hope the sleep is helpful too. :zzz:
Great that the Dissociation book is helping - I find the same. I'm glad we're both reading it - even though we have different editions, it's good to know someone else is reading about the issues and empathising.
:hug: to you, Wattlebird.
Hope :)
Thanks everyone I had 2 nights of good sleep, thank goodness, I got heaps done today and starting to get on top of my list, it's been so hot and humid this last week, it makes working hard and energy sapping, I've got 3 smallish jobs tomorrow then sat and Sunday to clean house, sigh, haven't even worked out my chrissy presents yet so I guess I better work out what I need and get them tomorrow in between jobs, nearly there, I live in a popular holiday destination so there's people everywhere, I hate going into town during holidays there's 10 times the amount of people it's hectic. Anyway my fault for leaving things so late.
Hi Wattlebird,
I'm glad to hear you had 2 nights of good sleep. Also that you've got a lot done today - I am also hoping to clean the house on the weekend - not looking forward to that... You're nearly there - good luck getting your Christmas gifts sorted.
Hope :)
So I got most things done but a lot of cleaning failed to occur but our guests didn't seem to mind, Christmas was mostly a good time my m and f who were originally staying a few days only stayed a few hrs, I asked for the results of the tests she had and she has got cancer of the blood (multiple myeloma ) so not good at all. Not entirely sure what I'm feeling about this, I need to sit with it a while I think. I was triggered later that night by my d1 getting very drunk and emotional, my son noticed my anxiety and soon got everyone off to bed very diplomatically and come back to see if I was ok, I was ok but very thankful. I had a fair bit of anxiety but pushed myself to be in the moment and enjoyed myself as well - had some interesting conversations with my elder s about how disfunctional our foo was and the advice we were given as youngsters and about me being the golden child who could do no wrong, she got very bitter at this but not directed at me, but I still feel guilt at her bitterness, I guess it's guilt that I played the role assigned to me, hurting my siblings as a result. Anyway I have lots to discuss but not now.
Hi Wattlebird, Just sending you a hug :hug: - well done for getting through everything. Sounds like a lot to process.
Hope :)
Hi, Wattlebird/
I have just now been catching up on your journal - have a little down time atm- and I want to say you seem to be coping pretty well, considering the number of demands placed upon you by family and etc. I don't have anyone here other than my wife, so don't have the complexities to deal with. Anyway, I just wanted to shout out my admiration for all the self care and good work you are doing.
Happy Holidays.
Hey wattlebird I just wanted to pop in about the guilt you feel over being the golden child. I do not think you should feel guilt over it. I honestly don't.
I'm not the golden child. My brother is. It's not his fault. I don't want him feeling guilty about it. The blame is placed on those who raised us, not the children.
I guess what I'm saying is, from a non golden child to a golden child... you have nothing to feel guilty for
wb, i agree about not needing to feel guilty about the role assigned you in your family. we all play our parts based on the messages and expectations put forth to us, repeatedly. we didn't have a choice. my sis was also very bitter about being the middle child (my little bro was the golden child), but i really couldn't help our birth order or how my folks treated each of us.
i was the oldest, and had the heaviest expectations, while he was the youngest, the 'baby', and coddled more. she, quite frankly, was a bully to both him and me, so i guess she was angry for a long time. that's something that's out of our control.
your sister is going to have her feelings no matter what. they're just hers, and really have nothing to do with you except out of circumstance. it's too bad, but she might have a right to feel bitter, but toward your parents. that's her stuff to process and work thru. my sis ended up playing the victim card for her adult life, but it didn't have to be that way. those were her choices she made. i hope your sis can process what you told her and remain a good person. you already are.
lots of stuff here that you're dealing with. i'm glad you're taking your time. sending love and hugs, sweetie.
Thank you San, DB, jdog and hope for your encouragement and kind words.
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I spent some time with a friend today just chatting, it was really good, we talked about my seperation her man problems and problems with her son, my daughter etc etc, it was nice to have a rant. One thing was really interesting, she was talking about relational problems she had and she described what sounded very much like she was being triggered into dissociation and lost control of her actions, she even had a name for her other self, I told her it sounded like she was dissociating and she said she was going to get therapy but looked doubtful about it being dissociation, I was very impressed at her self awareness she even knew what triggered her on these occasions, it took me a good 6 mths of therapy to get to that level of self awareness, I'm so happy that she can start therapy knowing the causes of her behaviour, this may sound wierd I don't mean I'm glad she needs therapy, I just mean that part of learning about myself was so hard for me I'm pleased she has already got that knowledge.
Anyway it was a lovely time, I want to be more social and I'm glad I decided to drop in on her.
Yes, having a good old fashioned rant and then getting a chance to listen to what is really going on inside the head and heart of a friend is therapeutic. Glad you could talk, listen, and offer help.
sounds great, actually, sweetie. very glad you found someone you could do this with. lovely. love and hugs.
At the moment I'm staying in a granny flat at my ex's while my house is being rented for a couple of weeks, it's been ok, I think my ex is depressed, well he is, but I'm starting to think that he is cut at the way I've coped so very well with our seperation, I'm happy, getting way more done and enjoying life in general, he is moping around, he has discussed it with me a few times, he was so sure I would go to pieces, I was thinking I would too, but I'm just so glad to have my life back and do what I want, instead of what is expected of me and what I'm told to do, he continually told me I would be lost without him and now I'm not and he is the one that's lost without me, It is hurting his pride in a big way.
The amount of gaslighting I was subject to really messed with me, I am now standing up to him and refusing to do what I don't want to, he was upset with me for not doing things for him that I don't want to do, stuff I usually did to keep the peace. I've been fixing some things around his place and asked for the money for the parts, he only gave me half saying I should pay the other half, so I stopped working on his house after that, he was shocked and dumbfounded and depressed that I demanded the full amount before doing any more, he is so used to being the ultimate authority it hurts. I've been friendly about it all and I'm staying here for free, so I don't mind helping out, he helps out at mine too. But I'm not paying for his repairs, he is stuck anyway he would have to pay someone else to do it.
It has really given me pause to think, I'm really improving without him a lot and this is causing anger, anger at the way he had me doubting my sanity, the way he implyed what a loser I was, the way I believed it, the way he had me jumping to please him, the way he is telling everyone we had to break up because of my mental issues. I've asked him not to do this but he said he is just being honest. ???
Anyway I'm so glad the seperation is final and I'm just going to let people judge for themselves and get on with life.
I was so worried about this Christmas period with my t being on holidays, but I've been coping quite well :cheer:
Hi Wattlebird,
It's good to know that you have coped better than you thought you would over Christmas :cheer:
It sounds like you've been getting the chance to reflect on things - and process things. Hope the remainder of your stay there goes ok. Wishing you a safe journey back home, when the time comes.
Hope :)
Good for you wattlebird! I'm glad you are standing up for yourself. Gaslighting can be so damaging and often we don't even realize it.
Love ya and am proud of you! :hug:
isn't it amazing what we can realize once we're out from under that mental/emotional/psychological game-playing? kudos to you, wb :applause:. well done! i'm convinced that anyone who makes us doubt ourselves in a neg. way is not good for us. what you wrote is confirming my belief. i'm so glad for you that you are finding your way - to the surprise of both of you! i think it's just great.
keep up the good for you. sometimes we need to take a big step back to know what we've been dealing with. :cheer: for your separation. sending love and a congratulatory hug to you, sweetie. :hug:
Thanks San hope and db, I'm feeling very uplifted by your comments and strengthened to continue standing up for myself for the first time in my entire life. ;D
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Tomorrow is a big day for me, I'm spending it with some foo who are extremely triggering, why? I hear you ask, well I've been trying to deal with my fear of one person in particular, they suffer with mental illness so i feel guilty about the wall I put up between us. Like all that torture they put me through wasn't really their fault. Anyway I want to connect and see if my 20+ years of fearing them are still justified or if it's an ic fear that is no longer relevant, I can keep my distance if it doesn't work out but I really need to address my issues around this person as its interfering with my relationship with my d who has very similar behavioural symptoms which often trigger me into dissociation, part of me is like * man, think it's my teenage self, not fighting me on it but is freaked out all the same.
We can simply leave if it's too much, anyway I'm going to sleep in my vehicle as I doubt if I could sleep in the same house and I feel safer in my vehicle anyway, ow dear I just noticed I referred to myself as we, doing too much dissociation work haha
I like that you referred to yourself as "we". It's important to listen to all our parts when putting ourselves in situations that may be triggering. One part may be okay with staying, while another may want to leave. If we know which part is saying what, it's easier to know how to proceed. I can't be around my sibling, who also has some problems not his fault, like your situation; but he absolutely sends one of my parts into strong hypervigilance. It won't change, so I'm NC with him. Best wishes for your event!
Yes 3r I was considering my parts reactions to the situation and I guess I was still in that mindset - I'm glad it more natural now but still seems wierd to me somehow :Idunno:
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Well I escaped to bed several hours early considering nye and all, but my inner parts couldn't take much more, just needed to spill some anxiety? Triggered emotion, fear, ???
I have no specific complaint or upset just being around them almost makes me twitch most of the day I've been on medium alert but tonight after some alcahol on their part I ended being quite triggered at the escalating behaviour so I went to bed. I felt a little guilty as the celebrations were for my bday as well, but I really needed to remove myself and had done so periodically all day taking walks swims etc which helped somewhat. I'm sure I will not be repeating this experiment but it is very interesting to be aware of my inner reactions, and watching different /same dynamics play out to watch all this after my past year in t, not having any contact in this time, I even got a bit teary at one stage which shocked me but shocked them more I think as I've never cried in there presence since I was about 12yrs old, I asked her to stop talking about a certain subject concerning my d as there was so much more to the story than she was ranting about I asked twice but the second time I became teary thankfully she apologised and changed the subject actually she didn't apologise at all she made an excuse at her behaviour which I equate with her being sorry. She suffers a lot of guilt I'm certain so needs to excuse her behaviour to offset that guilt a bit. I realised how totally unaware she is, I'm thinking she is a bit dissociative although she seems to remember a lot more of our childhood than I do, I mean she talked in detail about holidays that we had that I could not remember any details of except I know we went somehow, there were more than one example too some things as an adult. I mean it became obvious to me that there are big gaps in my memory that I didn't even realise we're there
anyway ranting on here has settled my nerves down a bit now so thank you for listening
Hi Wattlebird,
I am listening, and I think you're doing really well to cope with things so just want to cheer you :cheer:
I also think you listened to your inner parts and protected them - when the time was right to withdraw from the situation. That takes courage to do that, I think.
Hope :)
QuoteI really needed to remove myself and had done so periodically all day taking walks swims etc
Good for you, way to go! :cheer: :applause:
I happy to be home - I talked thru the visit with my ex he was disgusted by some of their attitudes and advise, I just ignored it, I'm really glad he can see that side of things better, he was concerned at my lack of emotion concerning my m's terminal condition, he told me he expects she will die soon, (I think he thinks I'm in denial) but I understand and don't think she will make it to 2020, he was relieved when I told him this, he is worried about my emotional response to this news but I have none at the moment, I'm compassionate and sympathetic when I see her but so far I really don't feel anything. Depersonalisation I think, she is quite toxic, bpd is my guess since its rampant in my foo, cousins on her side as well as other mental illnesses.
At Christmas the the better coping members of my extended fam where all there they were all recognising the psychological problems and trying to stop the generational problems with therapy etc it was very encouraging to hear about the steps they were taking to help their adult children learn new coping skills, this last get together was with less aware members of foo, it was really helpful in giving me a clear picture of the toxicity and confirmed that I should stay low contact.
4 more days and I'll be back in my own house can't wait, my ex h, keeps making advances toward me, he accepts my decline but it's still annoying me, he previously asked if it annoyed me and I said no as long as u don't care when I say no, but I think I may need to tell him enough already. It's messing with our heads, we are seperated and need to stop playing married games.
Ok I better get back to my cleaning (in between tenants)
sounds like you're ready to set some needed boundaries with your ex. good for you, sweetie. sometimes we just have to take the hard line, as much for ourselves as for others.
i'm glad for you that you'll be home soon. quite the experiment, but it looks like you have results you can deal with. love and hugs, wb.
Thanks San yes I think some boundaries is a wise idea, I'm glad I did the experiment but won't be repeating it any time soon, if at all.
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I had an ok day cleaning, mowing, greeting new tenants for the weekend and some beach time and a little troubleshooting with my on going project at ex's place. These are the last tenants so that's a relief.
Talked with d1 today she is sick with a horrid cold, saw my s as well, chatted with an old school friend I've stayed in contact with.
Anyway nothing major happening today, just feel a bit like I'm in limbo waiting for my house back, I'm not going to lease it anymore I need my space, I'll just need to work more to make ends meet, with the cost of my t and d2s therapy my income is just about gone, though shouldn't complain I'm just grateful I can afford 2 lots of t, sort of anyway.
journal
Something that annoyed me today, my m keeps telling me in a round about way I'm depressed and sad and devestated at my seperation, when I keep telling her I feel great am coping better than ever and just feel relieved. She wrote a post today, to my d struggling with depression etc etc ??? Is she gaslighting or just projecting, I'm so sick of people telling me what I'm feeling, no wonder I struggle to understand my emotions when no one listens to what you tell them. She told me the other day I was the only one who really loved her, ??? I thought don't be so sure of that, I know she is adored by the grandkids, she was abused growing up and thus is quite unbalanced but try's hard to be loved, I have compassion for her, but I feel no fear at her terminal illness. Anyway off track, I never really thought about her telling me what I do feel and don't, I only realised my ex did it, so I was telling my ex about it and he said my f does it too, when? And he said how he (my f) talked to me about how he thinks it's great and all, that my ex and I don't bag each other out, he said he hasn't heard a bad word about him or me from either of us and that's great, my ex said " he always tells you to keep the peace " I realised he was right :aaauuugh: it messes with your head, but I didn't keep the peace for his sake, it's like they tell me conflicting ways to behave my m keeps telling my ex is ripping me off he is hiding money fight him on the inheritence coming his way etc etc when my f is saying keep the peace, I'm doing what I want for a change ok that's my rant for the day
Hi Wattlebird,
I'm glad that you're doing what you want - despite hearing all those contrasting viewpoints from your parents - good for you! It's your life - you know your feelings - and you're making your decisions and choices. Go you! :cheer:
Sending you a hug too - :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks Hope for the support and encouragement.
Journal
I'm here in my own place yay, I feel like running around and cheering :cheer:
I'm just so thankful to be here at last.
Now for all the unpacking, thankfully all the tenants have looked after the place really well, no damage, all spotlessly clean, what a relief I don't have to clean as well. Anyway back to unpacking ;D
Yippee!! Welcome home, Wattlebird! :cheer:
:cheer: So glad that you got your place back and that it is all in order, and clean!
I hope you'll have great enjoyment moving back in, organising things to your liking.
Congrats on that feeling of freedom wattlebird! Use the energy of it to help you unpack :bigwink:
Love ya!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thanks everyone, I'm settling back in and loving it.
I've got this dam head cold now, how is it spreading through the forum ???
And I think an ear infection, aching and tired, I must have got it from San or db. :bigwink:
So I'm off to bed to sleep it off (my solution to most problems I encounter)
Ha ha! Sorry to pass the germs to you friend. I'm headed to the doc today and had to take a sick day off work.
Much love 💙
Oh no, you have a bad cold too - and an ear infection - I am so sorry to hear that Wattlebird, and wishing you feel better soon. Glad you're enjoying your home - now your back there. Hope you enjoy a good sleep and wake feeling refreshed and a bit better.
Hope :)
Thanks hope and db, I had a big rest yesterday and feel a fair bit better today I've got a job to go to but hopefully it won't take long between 1 1/2 hrs and 3 hrs so I think I can manage I have a fair bit of anxiety about the job which is so frustrating I know I'm capable and I don't have to interact with anyone so why???? So annoying
Yes, I was sick for about 4 days during break. But I'm fairly sure it came from someone IRL!
I felt much better this morning and got my work done fine, I did another job afterward since I was feeling good but that was a big mistake I worked about 3 hrs in a hot shed and now feel horrendous my head is aching, tryed to sleep but I'm all blocked up, think I got a bit of heat stroke as well as my head cold I've dosed up but can't shake this headache. Decided I needed to have a whine :'(.
whine away, sweetie. this stuff sucks, and, yeah, it comes back, hits you again. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs
Rested today even though I didn't feel too bad, I've been reading my dissociation book and read the chapter on sleeping, I noticed I skipped this chapter, I'm just not ready to deal with my many sleep issues, as its my escape from reality and security blanket all in one. But I thought I should at least read the chapter, it was pretty good actually, I related to a lot of it and feel less scared about tackling this issue, just not yet.
More problems with my d's, one is sick with pneumonia and the other has her own issues which I may have to drive up and sort out personally tomorrow. Both are not their fault, they both have had a horrible run lately, feeling very sad for both of them but not the triggered panicked feeling I usually get with their issues, I started feeling anxiety when talking to my ex about d1 and her pneumonia, but as soon as I was off the phone I calmed down again. Any dealing with him concerning the children usually triggers anxiety.
I think it's good you rested today, despite not feeling bad. I think it's important to rest on the days we're feeling good too. I suspect our bodies and minds and hearts still need the extra healing, even if the day is alright. Pnemonia sucks! It is the season for colds, flu's, pnemonia and all the other respitory illnesses. I hope both your d's will be feeling better soon.
Thanks sceal, went and saw d2 today sorted some problems out and she is feeling a lot better, which I feel posative about, I'm glad I went.
Glad things are on a more positive trajectory, Wattlebird. Hang in there.
Thanks jdog,
Journal
I'm very angry - how do you deal with anger, I've dissociated anger all my life, and now I'm experiencing it I don't know what to do, all I want to do is kick things or give up, neither of which is helping me, I feel a bit panicky and crying (in anger) I feel a bit out of control.
Any advice on working through anger without damaging things or self, ow I remember my t gave me something for this type of thing I'll go find it.
Sorry not thinking too clearly
i've written a lot of my anger out, have pummeled my bed, yelled and swore, and one thing that has helped me a lot is banging pots and pans around, just making noise. i came from the 'children should be seen and not heard' camp, so making noise, either with objects or by yelling stuff has captured and processed 2 birds with one big bang.
it was a relief to me to finally allow my anger. i hope you find that as well, sweetie. best to you with this. i think it's a good sign you're getting in touch with it. :pissed: love and hugs.
San's advice seems great. I don't externalize anger well. I live with someone who is in very close touch with her anger and it gets a bit scary when she lets it loose (nothing physical, just words).
I've calmed down thanks, I need to get used to dealing with anger without losing my head, :pissed:
Hey wattlebird,
Anger is an easy emotion for me. It's one I've expressed my whole life. It feels better to me than sadness so I express it often when I'm sad as well.
Some healthier ways I deal with it is physical exercise. I go for a run, or do some push-ups. Another thing I do is scribble on paper. Hard and angry. I will write about it sometimes as well. Hope that helps.
❤️
Thanks db, I'm usually crying instead of anger, anger just scares me senseless, but I'm not longer dissociating as much, so it's improving. But I hate crying as well so :Idunno:
One thing that annoys me about admitting my fears is I always believed myself to be brave, I've always been into extreme sports and feel little fear, but when I examine my emotional life I'm a quivering mess, scared of everything, to scared to trust anyone.
I'm making great progress really but it grieves me to realise I'm full of fear.
I've been really off balance the last couple of days and I've been trying to see what's triggered it, for two days I've been unsure what set me off .. I just permanently left my h 3 days ago, how come it wasn't obvious ? Anyway I'm glad I've worked it out.
Quote from: Wattlebird on January 12, 2019, 11:18:03 AM
I'm making great progress really but it grieves me to realise I'm full of fear.
I've been really off balance the last couple of days and I've been trying to see what's triggered it, for two days I've been unsure what set me off .. I just permanently left my h 3 days ago, how come it wasn't obvious ? Anyway I'm glad I've worked it out.
Hi Wattlebird,
Maybe that in itself is also progress - i.e. that you 'realise' you have parts of you that are full of fear, and afterall, you've also realised that you have made a massive change (permanently leaving your h just 3 days ago) and there might be some aspects of fearing the unknown of that - I don't know - but I am glad you've worked out what triggered you - it does make sense. Be kind to yourself, and do whatever you need to do - and I hope that you have a day that is whatever you'd like it to be.
Hope :)
Thanks hope, I feel lots better today, I think just working out what was going on helped me a lot.
I've been working on a project at my exs house, and i got stuck on a particular problem and been trying to sort it out for months, at last I asked for help today, got a specialist out to have a look, and he showed me where the problem lay. It is so hard for me to ask for help but he was gracious, even a bit impressed, he said he has been doing this for 20 years and its still a head f*#k. So that was good, I didn't feel so stupid about asking for help. Anyway I am going to throw a party when this projects finished, a solo party, that is.
Anyway I made loads of progress today, thank goodness. If I could just bring myself to ask for help it would have been done 6mths ago so hopefully next time I will be braver or smarter.
I came home and someone has put my bins out, one of my neighbors I guess :Idunno: I wonder who my bin fairy is, sometimes they bring them in for me, but no ones ever put them out before.
I'm going to do my jigsaw puzzle and relax, listen to some music :wave:
Today I am so tired, slept half the day away and I'm still struggling to wake up properly. My t is back and I see her Friday, why am I so anxious about seeing her, it's all that's running through my head, contantly.
Got the final release from my marriage today off my solicitor, he said it was the fastest easiest seperation he has ever done, my h rushed it thru, he thought I was going to cause trouble and wanted it done "while I was still thinking straight" I didn't argue at all, because he is the one that always causes problems with these things, and I was just grateful that he was in agreement for once.
Me "not thinking straight " is his way of saying I don't agree with him, if I ever disagree with him, he eludes to my mental state of mind in a way that says "yes but we both know your a bit crazy" and if I protest, he says "I'm just being honest"
So my t has told me many times I'm not "crazy", so it's hard to get my head around, I have slipped into psychosis before and do get irrational, so I sometimes believe him and sometimes her, I think it's my dissociative disorder, which can certainly look crazy.
Though.... My ex certainly has mental health issues of his own, he has no empathy for anyone, ever, is paranoid and becomes manic, but if I get him to see any of this he then says it's a reaction to me and it's my fault he is not always stable.
I think he is a narc maybe, all the kids think he is a sociopath but I think it's cptsd and narc, maybe bipolar, his mother was bipolar, anyway whatever it is I'm away from it now and feel saner than ever (most of the time)
He has been watching utube vids on bpd and keeps asking why I'm not reacting to our seperation by causing problems, I feel like saying because I'm so glad to get away from u, but that would just be hurtful and unnecessary.
Anyway it has felt good to get this out, this gaslighting really messes with your head, especially when you can see you have mental health issues, but disagreeing with anything he says or does doesn't mean I'm off balance.
Anyway rant over
hello Wattlebird :wave:
I don't know you, but just reading what you've described here about how your ex treated you makes me feel really relieved and happy for you that you have separated and that it has been pretty quick and relatively painless. It seems wonderful to have your life and living space free from that, though it certainly seems unsurprising you would feel off-balance with so much significant stuff going on.
The projects sound good :) .... As does the mystery bin fairy - the idea and imagery of that makes me chuckle ;D
rest well
Wattlebird. I am sorry to read that you are having rather an up and down time at the moment. Doesn't seem surprising, given you have moved out and are getting the divorce all sorted.
I related to everything you said about your dealings with your husband, around the separation. It is so difficult. I am quite calmly dealing with things when he isn't around but when I see him briefly, I become very confused. It's not nice so I am telling myself I am better well away from him.
I hope it's OK for me to keep up with your journal. I think we are in similar positions, so it helps to know we are not alone. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Libby.
If I may intrude to just comment that this is one beautiful thing about this forum - there is always someone who can relate with what we are going through. :hug:
Hey wattlebird,
Sorry I've been a bit Mia. Just wanted to send you some love and let you know I'm thinking of you. :hug:
Hi sj
I'm glad you have popped in to encourage me, please feel free to comment any time, I've been reading your posts as well, I hope your upcoming move is as freeing as mine was.
Hi 3r
I'm so happy I found this forum, it's been wonderful to have people who can relate to my circumstances.
Libby
Please feel free to comment any time, I've been following your progress thru this time as well, it's helpful to me and if my story is any help to you I'm glad for it.
Thanks db, you are an encouragement to me, thanks for the support.
Journal
It warmed my heart this morning to see all these comments and encouragement, I find it hard to write about my ex and the way he treated me, he always made me feel like I'd bought it all on myself, even now it's hard to know what's motivating him, I feel like he masks manipulation as caring for my health, he dropped in to my house yesterday afternoon to see if I was ok, but I feel like he is only concerned I wasn't fixing his problems at his place, it's true he is very very unconvinced by my not finishing this project and I feel great pressure to finish, but he seems to mask it as caring, I really am unsure if I'm being paranoid as I have been quite off balance as well.
I talked to d1 at Christmas about this uncertainty I feel about his behaviour, as she has seen the dynamics growing up, but she didn't comment either way, just said we both have issues, well she said it nicer than that. D2 thinks he is a pig and I'm emotionally unavailable but try to be, (I become highly triggered at any display of strong emotions, but really fight to stay emotionally available to my kids) my s says the whole family is out of touch with their emotions, what a mess.
That's a sad, but very familiar picture you paint, Wattlebird. My daughter says the same about us, in that we both have issues. My sons are just like their father, totally emotionally unavailable. They can't even manage to say hello or goodnight, and yet I validated and helped with all of their difficult emotions whilst growing up. My husband admits he dislikes any negative emotions and just shuts off. And now they are shut off like him and barely notice I exist. Do you feel that you are doing OK with your children, at the moment? It's a real minefield, isn't it? It must be hard questioning your ex's behaviour. I am not having that problem as he has told me straight out that he did not sign up to be "a psychiatric carer". I think that over the past few years, he has made me worse rather than cared for me, so that really hurt.
Keep going with everything, and looking after yourself. Are you living on your own now? I'm not sure. I think I am quite looking forward to this.
Take care and thanks for the opportunity to share experiences.
Libby.
Hi Libby
My kids (adults now) are all amicable with us both, d2 avoids my ex if she can but my s has learnt to switch off all emotion around him, as he is often verbally abusive, he says if u don't react he calms down quicker, but d2 has a temper and can't keep her mouth shut, so avoids instead. D1 has been out of home long enough to put up with him for short visits, they are all very friendly and loving towards me, d2 gets frustrated at my "uncaring" (she is diagnosed BPD ) and has mental health issues. Trauma related. But she probably talks to me more than any of them, we can relate a lot as I have a borderline diagnosis as well as cptsd, though I tend to the "quiet borderline" she acts out.
Anyway I'm in my own home, but see my ex often we are both trying to be amicable and not cause drama for the kids.
The problem is he prides himself on his manipulation skills, I told him once how he manipulates everyone, he said I only manipulate people who don't do what I want them too. So u can see why I doubt his sincerity, he has said many times that if I just did what I was told he wouldn't manipulate me into things. He can't see any problem with this behaviour as its my fault for not conforming to his wishes.
But that said I have manipulated my way out of this marriage without a huge blow up, and he doesn't see that, he thinks it's his idea, but I bought it about.
He firmly believes my mental health is the problem as well.
Well it's finally come to a head, we (ex and I ) argued over the project I'm doing for him, I'm ashamed to say I used my mental health as an excuse to quit it, he is blaming me, of course and when he started on me, just after saying he didn't want to argue (his new version of just do it) I told him how he'd pushed me into it, cut off all other avenues and put me in a no win situation, he lost his cool and started blaming me for it not being complete already. I said I thought you didn't want to argue, he replied I just don't want to be blamed for things that aren't my fault, I replied neither do I (emphatically ) so he is getting someone else in thank goodness. I've been in such a mental mess over this, I really have tryed hard to finish it but it's beyond me and really it's his house his problem now, what an utter relief.
Hi, Wattlebird.
It was really good to hear some more about your relationships with your children. It sounds like you are doing well in difficult circumstances.
By the way, I would guess that I, too, am Borderline as well. This is the real issue for me atm. I am doing well with my daughter (like yours, she's lived away for several years), doing OK ish with the more normal of my twin sons, but things are bad with my autistic son. I wonder if it is easier for me to cope with people if they are psychologically healthier? I think I might post about this as people may have some advice.
I am so pleased that you have managed to bring the project at your ex's house to an end. It sounded extremely stressful. I think pretty much all of my meltdowns over the last nine years have been brought on by house related things. It was too big a project, I felt no one cared to do it but me and I hated dealing with tradespeople. I am going to, hopefully, live in a very small house with only my dog. The less stress the better.
Thank you again for the opportunity to talk over these things. It means such a lot.
Have a relaxing time with that project out of the way.
Libby.
Quote... really it's his house his problem now, what an utter relief.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Thanks Libby
I'm glad I could be helpful sharing some of my story, I was going to tell some tradie story's but I think it's too identifying so I won't. I read a dbt book which helped me understand how to better deal with bpd, there a big help, and my therapist specialised in this area for many years, it's very treatable. Do you see a t?
Thanks behealthy
I am telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty, as it really was messing with my mental health, stress, anxiety, some days I would dissociate and make all kinds of mistakes, so I wasn't lying, for some reason I still feel ashamed that I used it as an excuse :Idunno:
Thanks 3r :thumbup:
I better day today, less stress, ex is away visiting family so I went and collected a whole load of things I still had there, I've been sitting on my balcony watching a truly magnificent lightning storm, it reminds me of when I was a little kid, if there was ever a lightning storm my d and I would sit upstairs and watch out the window, the rest of the house would cower in their rooms, a nice memory ;D
HI Wattlebird,
Glad that you enjoyed that nostalgic moment regarding the lightening storm - sounds fun. :hug: to you.
Hope :)
Thanks hope, looks like another storm tonight :thumbup:
Journal
Saw my t today after a 6 week break, I was more open with her, (seems I have made progress in the break) although I was dissociating a lot, but we identified the trigger, one thing I've noticed is if a specific word or phrase cause me to dissociate, she seems to use it more often :aaauuugh: is she desensitising me or just trying to freak me out, it's hard to take, but over time I've noticed I do improve significantly in response to the same words/ phrases etc after she's thrown them in conversation enough.
Trigger warning SI
I told her about the suicidal images popping in my head all the time, and how I really didn't feel suicidal at al, not even on the radar, she wants to work on that, as they are quite strong and graphic, and seem completely out of context. I said ok quite easily because they don't really worry me (emotionally) but do concern me, umm if that makes sense ? But know thinking this through, it is starting to scare me, what sort of emotional pain is behind that? It can't be good!
End of trigger
I spoke to my m today, to ask her about her cancer tests and results, she didn't get the results yet but she did say the preliminary results were bad, I talked to my t about my lack of emotional reaction to this and my seperation, she thought it was entirely understandable with given history of abuse from both. (She said it nicer than that, but that's what she meant) so I feel a little better about that.
Yes that makes sense to me. I would be concerned that something is trying to bubble to the surface if those images were popping up for me. I'm glad it doesn't derail you emotionally though. I'm also glad your T is back and you were still able to make progress during their absence
Thanks db, and behealthy
Yes they don't derail me emotionally but intellectually they concern me. Sorry I didn't really explain clearly.
Fairly off balance today, didn't sleep much last night and was very tired all day, got a couple of things done but not much at all, Had 2 big triggers which basically derailed the whole day, I wasn't going to journal but now it is 2am and I'm still awake, again.
Last night I was reading my dissociation book and working thru the chpt on trauma memories and triggers, it's a hard chapter and stirred up a teen part of me, and I was able to get a much clearer understanding of this "part", So I feel posative about that. But it's probably what derailed me today, with the lack of sleep and t session yesterday, which was somewhat focused on that time in my life. Anyway I better try to sleep
Here's wishing some sleep for you!
I am really with you on the subject of sleep. The less sleep, the worse I feel. Same for a lot of us, I expect. Hope sleeping improves for you soon.
All the best.
Libby.
Thanks Libby and jdog, once I got to sleep sometime after 4am I slept well into the day, but woke to a series of messages from d1 she has broken up with her bf of 3yrs and is devestated, I'm going to go visit tomorrow, she still has pneumonia and is getting more results tomorrow to see why antibiotics aren't working on it. She is going to her course tomorrow which she refuses to miss, it was very hard to get into, they pick 30 people each year out of 5000 applicants, and she is so happy and excited to be in she doesn't want to miss a single day, I'm glad she has found something she is passionate about, but really she needs her rest atm. So I'm going to go and mother her for a while, after meeting up with my m along the way.
After she couldn't get on to me she rang my ex, her step father since she was a toddler, she said he was really good and empathetic, which is unusual enough for her to be pleasantly surprised by, I was actually pretty surprised she rang him at all, but glad he was so supportive.
So the last 3 nights I've been awake till past 4am, I am so tired all day and night arrives and boom I'm wide awake, today I caved and had a daytime sleep, but something wierd is going on, some parts are becoming very active at night all of a sudden, I usually oversleep not under, I've got a letter I wrote last night by one of my parts, I'm reluctant to read it although I know it's about my inner experiences and emotional reactions or lack there of. I'm not going to read it tonight as I don't want to activate that part again, I need sleep badly.
Sweet dreams everyone
Thinking of you, Wattlebird. I am suffering from severe lack of sleep. No sleep at all last night. So tired.
I hope you find something to break this cycle.
Take care.
Libby.
I hope you will find your sleep tonight, dear wattlebird.
It's so awful when sleep avoids one
Hi Wattlebird, I also hope that you get some good quality sleep tonight. Wishing you rest and a peaceful night. :hug:
Hope :)
Last night I finally got a good nights sleep, and I am so thankful.
Thank you for my good wishes for better sleep, I'm grateful to have the support I get here, it helps more than I can express.
One of the exercises in the dissociation book was to describe an emotion in detail, how it feels physically etc etc. I stared at the question for ages and couldn't describe a single emotion, so for the last 3 days I've been focusing on identifying emotions and examining them. I went shopping with my m and I was then going to go see my d's, while at the shops I noticed how anxious I was and was focusing on that trying to stay with it etc etc and noticed my cigerettes craving sky rocked while anxious, I couldn't smoke where I was so decided to try something different, I told my m I felt anxious, her reply was it must be something you ate, :blink: um I said I feel anxious not sick, she looked at me and changed the subject, then I noticed the rest of the day I had a heavy sadness in my gut like a bag of sand sitting in there, I couldn't work out the cause until last night 2 days later, when I went thru the day moment by moment as the sadness has stayed on and off since then, I'm pretty sure the above exchange is what triggered the sadness.
Sometimes I feel so rediculous, I feel like this is obvious but it still takes 2 days of self examination to work out my m's response hurt my feelings, but I really should be focusing on congratulating my self on my progress.
In other news I spent a few days in the city with my d's, they are both doing much better, we enjoyed the time, I'm home now.
Back again
I just had a "moment of realisation ", I've been quite upset at my inability or incompetence at my inability to complete the project up at my exs, I've felt a bit of a failure, I don't mean in respect to disappointing my ex but in the fact that I couldn't work out what I was doing wrong. But the specialist contacted my while I was away to clarify some details and after the conversation offered me work if I wanted it, I thanked him etc, but it just hit me that this specialist was impressed with what I'd done, he has said this before but I assumed he was just being nice, but he wouldn't offer me work if he was just being nice.
Wow I have a warm glow hmm now I gotta work out what that is pride I guess :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: indeed! Way to go! ❤️
Thanks 3r ;D
Journal
Reading through everyone's posts today really was a strange experience, I'm not sure how to describe it, it seemed to evoke thoughts and memories and emotions in a new way ??? It was as if parts of me were showing me things, last night a young part of me showed myself curled up covering my head and being beaten, I've seen this once before, I have no memories of ever being hit but I know I was, my m has told us she "belted the crap out of us" we have photos of my sister with a black eye at 4yrs my m admits she did it, but excuses it somehow.
The posts evoked similar thoughts / memories and each one I read bought something new.
It's strange I think that my m can't see the problems she has caused to our mental health or maybe she can't admit it to herself (my exs theory) she says how she didn't touch my sisters for months after they were born, my older because she was premi and she was scared, the younger because she was female and she didn't want another girl. She says I got all the love, imagine telling your daughter I didn't want you so I ignored u, I was angry u were female, no wonder she is so messed up.
she freely admits to many disturbing behaviours but always has an excuse to mitigate her behaviour. She I am quite convinced is BPD, as is her only sibling, who is also bipolar, I can clearly see my m's self hatred and so don't think she is narc.
I'll stop for now, maybe continue later.
In my experience that's what abusers do. Excusing their behavior is second nature to them. I've yet to see one of my abusers take ANY responsibility for wrong doing.
Sending you some love :hug:
Deep blue
Yes they do indeed. So frustrating and disappointing that she can't see it, now when she is terminally ill, but I guess I was being naively hopeful ... Again.
Journal
Had my t session this morning, I was able to say more, cry !!, and she told me how mentally strong she thought I was and why she thought that, I walked away feeling like I had really made progress, broken thru some invisible barrier. ;D
Also my new dissociation book arrived today but I think I'll finish the other before diving into this one.
Dear Wattlebird, your description of your family sounds so familiar. I know that my mother could not bear to touch me, except when she beat me. She seems to know what she did, but could never grasp that it could possibly have done me any harm. For her, that's just what all parents do.
I hope you are doing OK.
All the best.
Libby.
Yes that describes her, when I saw my m&f a few weeks ago, my m was again talking about my s claim that she really thought she was going to be killed when my m told us she was going to kill us, my f said quote " that's nonsense, our parents did that to us and where' all right" I was really astounded at their blindness, my f has had several mental breakdowns as has my m, I nearly laughed at the absurdity of it all, I refrained from commenting.
I hope you are doing better Libby :hug:
QuoteI walked away feeling like I had really made progress, broken thru some invisible barrier.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:
I'm happy to hear that you had such a good session with your T, and that you managed to talk and cry, and get validated for all the hard work that you have put in. It's really a hard battle to fight, but you're doing it! :cheer:
Thanks sceal, Its an unusual session to walk away feeling good rather than running for my bed, to hide from the world. ;D
Thanks 3r
I'm cheering too :cheer: :woohoo:
Journal
Still having sleep problems, it's not sleeping that's the problem, it's that at night I feel relaxed and content and enjoy my own company and I don't want to leave that feeling, I wake to anxiety, I've noticed I wake to what I've worked out are audible hullucinations, usually a family member calling for me or my ex, I jump up and check the house, no one, this has been happening for years at least 3-4 times a week, I'm anxious most of the day until after dinner, than with no responsibilitys left I seem to let go, every day I wake I dread the day ahead, so I end up staying up all night and sleeping 1/2 the day away, I was starting to think I was scared of sleeping or some part was scared of sleeping but I think it's more the dread of another day, having to interact with people, be a responsible adult, even things like eating annoy me, I stay up at night and do puzzles, read books, paint, drawer, listen to music, work on my parts, spend time listening to them, I feel safe (most of the time ) I visit oots, where I enjoy interacting in a way I never do irl, I never watch TV and may very rarely watch a movie, but often feel discontent watching any movie. I really enjoy the night and really despise most days. Here stems the real reason I can't make myself go to bed or sleep.
Just realised this just now as I was writing, I should journal more :thumbup:
Ouf, lack of sleep and issues with sleeping makes all the other symptoms always so much worse to handle. Anxiety, fear, hypervigilance, hallucinations and all the other stuff. I've struggled with sleep alot, I think alot of us here has, in periods of time. I guess you might have done so too at an earlier stage, even if this time it might be different. Do you recall what you did to improve your sleeping before?
i've found recently what has helped me calm me down is listening to classical music. of course it helps I enjoy it (although not all of it) and just listen to that, focusing on the tones going higher or lower, faster or slower and eventually the fear or the overwhelming thoughts starts to slow down and eventually doesn't exist anymore. Atleast for a little while.
And maybe if that wouldn't work, maybe try some mindfulness - reminding you and your body where you are in the here and now? There's an app that's called Headspace that could perhaps be helpful. It's both free and you can pay for some of it, but that's no point if you're just trying it out. It'll take a few days before you'll see proper progress - but maybe it can help?
I hope it's okay I suggest these things, I know that sometimes when you're in the middle of it it's hard to think of things to do that'll help.
Thanks sceal
I have the calm app which is very similar, I use it a lot it's good.
Journal
Saw my ex today, he's in a bad way, he got bashed when trying to stop a drunken idiot driving around a park running over people's belongings, when he parked ex took his keys, an argument started and someone off to the side said something when ex turned idiot King hit him in the side of the head, he was hit hard 3 times and knocked out, I watched the video a friend caught it all. My mothering instinct kicked in, I wanted to go look after him but I don't think that's a good idea either, I've been working on creating distance, I will go check on him tomorrow, he said he was ok but he has a concussion?? Argh, lots of conflicting emotions, well one good thing, I know I'm not depersonalising him and I do care for him, I just don't want to be his wife anymore, :yes: I'm glad to be away from him.
On another note I've been doing a little renovating diy style, I'm quite impressed with what I've done and have rarely had the motivation to do such things myself before. It's quit enjoyable actually and I've got a little list of changes I can make around the house to make it more user friendly, storage, garden, that sort of thing. It's a strange thing I've always been told, I can't do what I want to do with respect to my house, I had to ask to do things and the answer was usually no, so I stopped caring, now I'm starting to care again :yes: but there is still a little voice telling me ex wouldn't like it, but I'm ignoring it. It's nice to just do what I want :cheer:
Been doing a lot of work with my parts over the last few days - a scary journey of self discovery, which has left me a little wordless....
Hi Wattlebird,
Well done for working with your parts - cheering you on with this. :cheer:
Hope :)
Thanks hope,
This week has been full of progress with me :blink: it's hard to know how to explain it. I had a realisation and it was like the realisation that unlocked some parts, and all my parts showed themselves, and a lot about themselves. I feel like I can see myself much clearer I've been walking around slightly stunned, but not upset or off balance.
Anyway I'm thinking this is the self acceptance or radical acceptance that I've read about, it feels that way.
Well today I had lunch with some friends and they were talking about someone who "heard voices in their head" and how wierd that would be to hear voices, and I just casually commented that I heard voices, we chatted about it but I later thought, there is no way I would have told anyone this last week, but it didn't worry me at all today. Is this radical acceptance? Or maybe I'll wake tomorrow cursing my stupidity :Idunno: but I don't think so
:chestbump:
Quote from: Wattlebird on January 31, 2019, 09:51:39 AM
This week has been full of progress with me :blink: it's hard to know how to explain it. I had a realisation and it was like the realisation that unlocked some parts, and all my parts showed themselves, and a lot about themselves. I feel like I can see myself much clearer I've been walking around slightly stunned, but not upset or off balance.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Journal
I have had a stressful couple of days, I found out a good friends bf is having an affair, and today I told her, I have never done something like this before, always choosing the avoidant path concerning conflict and emotions but I feel good to have done the right thing, I was so anxious, and after talking the problem through with another friend and having her backing my choice, felt confident enough to tell her. It went better than I expected, I was worried about an emotional outburst- anger, despair all that, but she took it with calm acceptance as she suspected him already and was already thinking of ending the relationship. He is a seriously dangerous narc / sociopath? With anger and violence issues, I was concerned for her and a little for myself, but she understood all this and managed to break the relationship today with no anger or argument, what a relief, although I know there's bound to be some sort of backlash, but hopefully that is me being pessimistic.
So I'm pretty drained and tired but pleased at the best case outcome.
It's always a good feeling, knowing one has done the right thing. I'm glad you had the courage to tell your friend of her bf's betrayal.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Thanks 3r and jdog
journal
I got some backlash today, I'm a bit disappointed at how soon I fell into guilt and shame, I have been struggling with it for the rest of the day, this is so typical, even when I logically know I've done the right thing someone (my ex) always questions my motives and reasoning until I'm questioning them myself :aaauuugh:
You did the right thing. It's your friend, not his. IMO he doesn't get to have any input as it doesn't involve him. Tell him to take a hike. :bigwink:
I feel the same as 3R. None of his beeswax.
Thanks jdog and 3r
I think his response (and mine to him) has helped me see how much he has messed with my mind /emotions, I thought I was prepared for his response and in some ways I was but the emotional down swing has knocked me hard, I think it's more to do with the confirmation of his character, which I have excused for far too long, his major concern was I broke his trust by repeating what he had told me causing a fall out with said cheater, he couldn't comprehend my reasoning. He thinks I did it to cause him grief, because his little world revolves around him and his followers.
His characteristic narc type response, after I had just watched a utube on covert narcs was a slap in the face, and a wake up call. Causing me to revisit all our marital problems from this perspective, I have blamed myself for so much and I am having a lot of inner conflict over the whole theme of my cptsd and his ? Personality issues.
I think it is good that you are in a place where you can observe these things in him, and realize that it's his table not yours.
Not saying it's not difficult and hard to put aside everything and put a line in the sand. But it's a good thing that you're seeing more clearly now, I think.
I absolutely agree sceal you put into words what I was feeling.
Journal
Had a session with my t today, I finally got around to asking her what she thought of me (clinically ) I've been struggling a lot to ask this of her because of my fear of what she thinks of me haha, so today I found the courage and asked though specified clinically not personally.
She rambled a bit about not liking labels and specific diagnosis, but said my trauma was severe (and other stuff) I've struggled so much with this (seeing my trauma as bad or severe) but I wanted her assessment to validate my increasing awareness of the severity of it. I was worried I was becoming a drama queen, wallowing in past hurts that really weren't that bad.
But she pointed out my intense struggle with emotions and daily life as evidence of the severity, so I am feeling better about things like the amount of time I spend on my recovery.
Quote from: Wattlebird on February 07, 2019, 07:33:40 AM
Had a session with my t today, I finally got around to asking her what she thought of me (clinically ) ... But she pointed out my intense struggle with emotions and daily life as evidence of the severity, so I am feeling better about things like the amount of time I spend on my recovery.
I can understand your worries because I have similar ones. This response from your T sounds very validating! I'm glad for you that she gave it.
Thanks behealthy
It was hard, but she needed to know and I think it was good for me to choose to do what's right, despite the backlash.
Thank u for the encouragement, everyone has supported my decision except my ex, so that has helped me to see thru his gaslighting and guilt tripping.
Hi blueberry
Thanks for the encouragement, it was the hardest thing I've done in therapy, and seems so straight forward and simple, but I struggled with it for months, such a relief to get it done.
Journal
I've been doing some paintings about my parts and how they feel, it's helped me understand myself a bit better. Last night I was reflecting on my art, and how erratic it's always been, I remember teachers at school talking to me about the inconsistency of my work, ranging from top of the year to bottom, I really didn't understand it myself and it was explained to me that I was lazy on more than one occasion. I think seeing the quality of my work these last few days has made it clear to me the quality of my work depends on how dissociated I am, when I put my emotions into my work the quality improves a lot, funny how I've never realised this before. But it's a posative realisation :thumbup:
Hi Wattlebird,
I think it's great that you've been able to do some paintings about your parts, and that it's helped you to understand yourself a bit better. :cheer: Your realization that you can improve the quality of your work by putting your emotions into it - that's really a positive realisation. :thumbup:
Hope :)
Thanks hope and behealthy.
Journal
I have been feeling quite anxious today, last night I was reading my dissociation book and doing some exercises on expanding my tolerance levels of emotional experience, my tolerance for emotion is very narrow. Anyway i decided to try to look at a particular part of myself that is very traumatised a part I've basically ignored up until then, I didn't feel as though I reached her but woke to my ceiling fan off and door closed, I always sleep with the fan on and door open so I was a bit confused, I have been anxious and in a dream like state all day for no real reason. I think I did awake that part in some way and have been fairly dissociated since. The day has gone by very quickly. I've got a lot done today but hardly remember doing anything. It's a bit disconcerting, I'm going to reach out again tonight and continue trying to feel a bit of the emotion there if I can.
I reread some of my early posts last night as well, trying to elicit some emotional response, i didn't get a response except surprise at how much I've learnt and how different I was, I was in a much worse place back then, so that was encouraging to see how I've grown and healed over the last year.
:cheer:
Thanks behealthy, yes it's a good feeling to realise how far I've come over the last year, I will spend time with it.
Journal
My d2 started dbt group therapy and it sounds very posative so far. I'm feeling relieved that she is really taking it onboard, I'm proud of her, she has had significant trauma and that she is willing to address it at her age is encouraging.
My motivation is showing itself this week, I've got so much stuff to unpack and sort thru that it's been a bit daunting, but I made a decision to spend some time on it every day even if it's only 10minutes, and I usually spend a few hours sorting, I've started cooking for myself more as well, I have almost got all my things from my exs place, it's astonishing how much I've accumulated over the years, why am i such a hoarder?
Anyway a good few days is nice for a change.
Journal
Well I'm signing divorce papers tomorrow, I really am surprisingly ok with it. It will be good to have it all finalised.
A big :hug: of support to you, Wattlebird.
Sending support too Wattlebird :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
:hug: to you and hope it goes ok when you sign the papers.
Hope :)
Thank you for the support everyone I appreciate it a lot, the divorce hasn't happened due to a few issues (technicalitys ) so it was an emotional upheaval with little results (eye roll)
Journal
Feeling a fair bit better today, talked to a few friends, I'm trying to connect with people a bit better, attempting to trust people more, which is difficult and scary.
Had therapy yesterday and connected with my emotions a bit better, it's all extremely frustrating, I'm trapped by my trauma and the only way out is thru. I've spent a life time avoiding this but can't see another way out of this.
I think I'm angry
:pissed:
:hug: to you Wattlebird. Glad to hear you are feeling a fair bit better today and talked to a few of your friends. Great that you're connecting with your emotions a bit better. I am also connecting more with anger this week - which is scary but also probably positive - I think. Wishing you the best with it.
Hope :)
Sending you a big hug. Realising for one self that the only way is through is hard. It's frustrating, and no wonder you're feeling anger. It's taken so much away from you, and on top of it you now have to fight and claw your way through all the pain. I hope you can use some of that anger to help fuel your way through.
It is so hard, but I truly and honestly think that you can do it. :hug: if it's okay
Thank you hope and sceal, I got a real feeling of comfort from your words, this new feeling I'm recognising this week is being comforted, last week in therapy I spent 5 or so minutes realising this feeling, it was so foreign to me and when I was feeling it, I was unable to communicate, It was a bit disturbing and I didn't talk about it, thinking it was inappropriate. I now understand that it was entirely appropriate, now I'm not saying no one has ever acted compassionately to me, they certainly have, but I always felt it was undeserved and usually felt ashamed that I had seeked comfort in the first place.
Really the more I learn about myself the more of a mess i see, it's quite depressing really but I also see the posatives thankfully
Sending you compassion too! :bighug:
Quote from: Wattlebird on February 19, 2019, 08:52:05 AM
Really the more I learn about myself the more of a mess i see,
I know the feeling and I know how depressing it can seem. Yay you for seeing the positives too!
I related to such a lot of what you said here, Wattlebird, and sending you a hug of compassion too :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you so much hope and blueberry, I was feeling down and when I read your responses it made me smile.
:) :) :hug:
Divorce is done,
I've been struggling with emotions this week, seems they are surfacing. Anger, grief, having them dissociated for so long has me struggling to cope with so much now, I keep wondering around wondering what to do with it all .
So feeling lost.
Just going to spend some time processing these emotions so I may not be around much or maybe I will, just wanted to drop in and see how you all were but I'm getting a bit triggered by posts so haven't been commenting much. But my thoughts are with you all. :grouphug:
:hug: :grouphug: :hug:
You're right to be taking care of yourself. We'll be here if you want to talk or vent or whatever!
Thank you so much 3r
Journal
I took a little time out, while trying to process a few things. I feel much better today, I had therapy today and addressed the issues troubling me, then came home and slept, (haven't been sleeping well)
Issue 1 is/was my mum has terminal cancer and I was feeling a pressure to forgive her before she dies, I have been feeling so angry that I am stuck in this position, I DONT want to forgive her, she purposely left me alone with my psychotic sister who was threatening to kill me in my sleep for 2 weeks while she holidayed, I asked her not to, I told her I couldn't handle it, I was scared beyond scared, terrified. She was manic, didn't sleep, physically abusive, verbally abusive, etc, a risk to herself and others, I was given no resources or help. My mum said something like that's just bad luck and gave me a lecture on family responsibilities till I felt selfish and guilty for trying to get out of the situation. So my parents left me to my fate and 2 weeks later of sheer *, they returned, I waited 1 week, I was waiting for her to say something about my time, ask if I was ok or my sister etc. She said nothing at all, never asked how I was, nothing. I confronted her about this and told her I was leaving home. She cried and begged me to stay but I was a broken person.
My mum admits to being a bad mother but has never in anyway mentioned that incident or asked for forgiveness, I can forgive her rages and morally questionable way of parenting but that one incident is beyond my forgiveness.
So we discussed that and decided that I didn't have to forgive her before she dies, it is for me not her, I can forgive her later if I want.
Second I was getting freaked out about DID working through my dissociation book has got me considering that is a possibility and this is just too much for me to handle, she helped me with that worry as well, so looks like it isn't DID thankfully, but I still have quite a severe and complicated dissociative disorder none the less, she also said that although I meet the BPD criteria technically that my behaviour in relationships was uncharacteristic of BPD partially the all good all bad way of relating to others which apparently is integral to bpd.
So after that session I'm feeling so much better, she did say my cptsd was severe and relational distrust extreme but I already knew and accepted this.
Now I can get back to recovery, and stop being scared of my parts.
Also my ex wants me to pay for the dogs food, we are divorced and he has the dogs I'm on a tight budget and don't see the dogs, so I feel like f u but I know this will cause a big argument so I'm undecided how to approach this? I don't want him to turn nasty (overtly) I still have a lot of possessions at his place and can just imagine him refusing to give them back if I don't cooperate.
So that's my week,
Wattlebird-
Huge :hug: for you as you continue wading through the muck..it certainly was not right of your Mum and Dad to have left you alone with the psychotic sister as happened and now forgiveness is not immediately required as your t has said. I did not have any chance to cope with my Father's bullying before he died since I was only 23 and he died suddenly. But over time, I have processed the pain and come to understand how much he himself was a victim of horrible parenting and, on that basis, no longer blame him. I continue to work with the pre-verbal terror I experienced - awake to it many mornings - but I no longer hate him. May the same happen for you, in time.
Sending another :hug: for the divorce and the mean way in which your ex is handling things. May you have some peace soon.
Hi Wattlebird, I would also like to send you a supportive hug :hug: and echo what Jdog said about the fact that it wasn't right for your Mum and Dad to have left you alone with your sister in that way - they should have listened to you, and they should have supported you. But I know that they didn't do that, and that wasn't fair. I also hope that you will get some peace following your divorce and I am sending you another hug :hug:
Hope :)
Hi - it really was wrong for your m to leave you in such a precarious situation. I agree with you that forgiveness can come when you're able to give it - if ever.
Regarding the dog food situation, I would just tell him I was unable to afford it currently but maybe in the future I could donate something. He has the dogs so they are his responsibility, imo.
Big safe :hug: of continued support to you. ❤️
wb, i echo what everyone else said about your mother. there are several things in my life i find unforgiveable, and i have ended up handing them over to the universe to do with as is necessary. it's out of my hands, and i don't think about it anymore. those people will be taken care of, and i don't have to harbor neg. feelings about it in any way that hurts me.
i'm not surprised you're feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. divorce, no matter if you wanted it, is messy emotionally. it's an ending as well as a beginning. i'm glad your session went well. i like the other suggestions about the dog food, too.
love and hugs, sweetie.
Thank you so much everyone, you are all so good to me, thanks.
Journal
I've been quite dissociated this last week, really in a world of my own, but I feel a fair bit better today, I went and had a swim in the ocean to ground me a bit, so that was helpful.
I'm not really sure what is setting me off but I thought I'd write for a while and see what spills out, I had therapy Thursday and had an anxiety attack although my therapist was quite quick in calming me and keeping me grounded but I don't think that is it, I was feeling this way all week, I've been working hard to feel emotional pain and keep getting just 2 second bursts and it then dissolves, I feel as though this dissociation is almost a reflex defence against feeling pain.
It makes me feel so defective, who can't feel emotional pain? and my inner critic keeps asking why on earth are you working so hard to actually feel all that pain ? your insane
I have to keep reciting all my reasons to remember why I'm doing all this.
Anyway I think I understand and I'm getting a little spacy now so I guess so,
Might come back later
Hi Wattlebird,
Good to hear you're feeling a fair bit better today - and your swim in the ocean sounds really good. I do relate to what you're saying about not being able to feel emotional pain - I have been thinking about this over the past few days - and feel like my system doesn't process things very well - even to the extent of not feeling temperature etc. Anyway, I just wanted to say I relate to what you said - and sending you a hug. :hug: I have just ordered the book on Dissociation that you have - i.e. the 'Coping with' one - as I think I might benefit from it. I'll write more in my own Journal - as I don't want to use up space in yours, but I am so grateful to you for being here and working through those books - as it's meant a lot to compare experiences. Thank you.
Hope :)
Thanks hope you can write as much as u want, I have been having a break from my dissociation books lately as I started freaking out about DID, so I read Pete walkers "complex PTSD " and then started on "the Tao of fully feeling " but his Tao book keeps making me dissociate, too much talk about emotions but that's why I got it, so I'm going slowly.
Also when I was reading the complex cptsd book I identified my ex a fight-fawn type, this really put our relationship in a different light for me, his narc behaviour always contrasted so much with his good deeds that it left my head spinning, but I've come to understand that a fair bit better now, I started learning about narcs and think he may be quite bad as in sociopath level. Anyway it's making me more grateful to be away. I'm just a bit disgusted with the way I always blamed myself for our issues.
I worked today, 1st day in about a month, so I was more aware of how anxious I was, it was quite a good learning experience actually.
My ex came around my house this morning to give me a simple message, which could easily have been texted. He told me the message, attempted a bit of conversation and left as I didn't invite him in.
When I went inside pondering this odd behaviour, I realised it is his birthday.
I wonder what he expected?
For someone who claims he doesn't want to interact with me, he sure finds enough reasons to interact.
Hi Wattlebird
Sending you a hug :hug: I do wonder what your ex was hoping for, when he came to see you on his Birthday. Well done for handling things, and I hope you're ok. Glad that you found Pete Walker's books helpful - it's a while since I've looked at mine. Sounds like you've learned some useful things when you identified your ex's type (fight-fawn).
Hope :)
Thanks Hope
I appreciate it
Journal
I have therapy tomorrow and I'm feeling anxious about it, so I thought I'd write about it.
I'm anxious about a full emotional melt down, I've been feeling the pain more and more each week and I'm terrified of breaking down completely - I do realise this is probably inevitable and enormously beneficial but doesn't mean I'm not terrified of it all the same.
I've been taking a break from introspection and therapy type stuff this week, and I've been feeling better, a lot less anxiety, I've been doing a little project at home and I am quite pleased with the results. I was reflecting on why I have been so satisfied with this project and why I feel differently about it to others I've done and I think it's because I'm doing this because I want it, not for someone else telling me what to do. I have no husband telling me what I'm doing wrong or telling me it's a stupid idea, I have been self motivated, and the lack of criticism has made a tonne of difference to my work. No anxiety!!
It's been wonderful actually, :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer:
QuoteI have no husband telling me what I'm doing wrong or telling me it's a stupid idea, I have been self motivated, and the lack of criticism has made a tonne of difference to my work. No anxiety!!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :thumbup: :applause: :hug:
:cheer: :applause:
Thank u
My ex came around today and told me that he has a girlfriend and has had for about 6 weeks.
we only broke upon December - so much for his broken heart he kept crying about, this has hurt me more than the divorce, what an *, I was meant to go away for the weekend visiting friends but all I want to do is curl up and mourne - i can't believe how devestated I am, I wasn't this upset at our seperation maybe it's all just hitting me now, I'm so angry and can't stop crying, I can't go away like this, but my two daughters want me to go see them as they can't get to me and their pretty shattered as well.
Ow yeah and she's pregnant but apparently not his. Ffs he wants the kids to meet her they are dumbstruck.
I have been trying to sleep, I let the tears flow until I started vomiting so I had to get this out and write about it.
:aaauuugh:
:pissed:
:'(. :hug:
So much pain. :hug:
Aw wattlebird,
I can't imagine how tough that must have been. Not only for you but for your daughters too.
I'm glad you wrote it out and really hope that it helped. San those tears are toxic and it's good to let them flow during these times.
Hug for strength :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
I am so sorry to hear your news regarding your ex, and wishing you strength :hug:
Hope :) (my smile is purely to express 'hope' that things will turn around for you - and most of all - standing with you at this time :grouphug:)
Thank u for your support it's helpful to know you guys are here for me.
Well the last few days have been crapola (as San would say) I think I've finally lost the plot, been acting out something fierce, ended up in hospital with the mental health team, they have drugged me up and sent me to a friends, and confiscated my firearms :snort: so that's where I'm at.
Hi Wattlebird - I know you're going through such a lot at the moment, and I hope that you feel ok at your friend's place - :hug:
Hope :)
Dear Wattlebjrd, just want to send some good wishes your way :hug:
SaB
Thank you everyone
I've just realised the truth of something that making me feel a bit better and wanted to note it.
I am utterly traumatised, I'm not crazy !
I am traumatised, they told me this at the hospital but it only just hit me, when I realised this fully, I gave myself some forgiveness for my extreme behaviour over the last few days.
:cheer:
:hug: Hope your friend is able to give you good support. Yes, traumatized, not crazy. :grouphug:
Thanks notalone and 3r
I came home today from my friends and I've got a card from the police on my front door, I've organised to see my t this afternoon, I hope I'm not going to be arrested. Don't think so, but its a bit unnerving to arrive home to.
Dear Wattlebird, I have been finding it hard to post here since my own divorce trauma started, but I really wanted to say how much I feel for you and understand how traumatic this whole process is. Like you, I was so floored by the whole thing that I spent a bit over two weeks in a mental health unit. I had to go back to the family home afterwards, and my stbxH never asked how I was. In the middle of all the trauma, I broke my arm, and neither my husband nor sons would take me to the hospital, or help me. My sons ceased any relationship with me as soon as he announced the divorce, and my relationship with my daughter is very strained.
I don't want to go on about my problems but I wanted to tell you how much I relate, and feel for you. I guess that the next trauma to be dealt with, will be him finding someone else. It was him who wanted a divorce so I think that is inevitable.
I am so sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having. I can't really offer many positive words. It is such a horrid situation, but I wanted to give you my love and support.
Take care.
Libby.
Thanks Libby it does help, I'm so sorry about your children, and your pain, I can't imagine what I would do if my children didn't want to talk to me, it's the only thing keeping me going, these last three days have been horrendous, I did at least go to the police and sorted things out, it was a miscommunication from the mental health team, the police thought my ex lived here and we both had guns - but it was quickly sorted. Thankfully because in truth I could have been arrested or given a restraining order, I have been quite out of control, today though I think I'm through the worst of it. I'm restraining my behaviour much better, my t helped a lot.
I just need some sleep, please!!!! I may have to go get some sleep meds tomorrow, but I hope not, I don't want to leave the house.
:grouphug:
WB, have you tried melatonin for helping you sleep? It's a natural substance and a lot of grocery stores carry it in their vitamin or health supplement sections. Some people don't like it as they say it gives them vivid dreams but this hasn't been a big problem for me - I have worse dreams when I'm not taking anything to help me sleep. You might even be able to mail order it so you don't have to go out. Supportive :hug: :hug: to you (and Libby).
Thanks 3r i will look into it - I'm still awake but feeling way calmer, I'm still struggling with very destructive thinking, but I am controlling my behaviour which feels like a massive effort constantly, every time I relax to sleep my thoughts go hay wire suggesting all types of bad ideas.
:hug:
Maybe a brisk walk, or a kickboxing class, or some at-home vigorous exercise would help you expel all that energy? Just a thought -
:heythere:
I had the same thought, I just went for a 2hr walk.
You have every right to celebrate! Hooray for doing just what you want on your own terms and not having to face nit picking criticism at every turn!! :cheer:
Hoping very much that things are continuing to improve for you. So pleased that you got things sorted with the police. That must have been scary.
I relate completely to your need for sleep. I was only getting about two hours sleep, night after night since this all happened. I begged the GP for medication to no avail. I have never found anti-depressants to be of much use, but I was prescribed quetiapine in hospital and find that I sleep for about seven hours, and it stabilises my mood somewhat. Not suggesting that this is necessarily for you, but I am surprised how much it has helped me.
So pleased to hear that you feel you are through the worst of it. I think I am as well. Hoping we can both stay strong, and that things continue to get better.
Take care.
Libby
Thanks Libby and jdog I appreciate the support especially at the moment.
Journal
I have written a letter to my exs new partner and posted it in letters of recovery, I'm not sure if I will send it but it was helpful to write anyway.
I got 5 hrs sleep today which was fantastic, I felt much better.
I stupidly rang my m and told her about my weekend and the hospitalisation, police etc and that my exs confession of betrayal, I was crying and really anxious which she picked up on, she started saying how she didn't know why I was upset and I snapped at her, hung up and sent an abusive text telling her off for the trauma she inflicted on me. She never rang back or texted or anything, I have NEVER told my m off in my entire life, I was far too scared of her, so I'm not sure how she will take it.
I'm upset she in unconcerned at my well being but really should have known better,
It's seems I have lost my careful self control,
My ex has gone to the city to introduce his new women to the kids, my s and d1 refused to meet her but d2 went as he was going to give her money to pay for her therapy, and that's the only way he would give it to her, I told her to go.
She said it was totally awkward.
What a mess
Quote from: Wattlebird on March 24, 2019, 02:03:12 PM
I've just realised the truth of something that making me feel a bit better and wanted to note it.
I am utterly traumatised, I'm not crazy !
I am traumatised, they told me this at the hospital but it only just hit me, when I realised this fully, I gave myself some forgiveness for my extreme behaviour over the last few days.
:yeahthat:
:applause: :applause: on ability to give yourself some forgiveness!
Quote from: Wattlebird on March 24, 2019, 06:38:15 AM
Well the last few days have been crapola (as San would say) I think I've finally lost the plot, been acting out something fierce, ended up in hospital with the mental health team
:hug: :hug: That happened to me too. I continued to act out at the hospital as well. Neither of us are crazy. We're both traumatised.
Part of my 'acting out' before I went to the hospital was to finally tell M what I thought of her after swallowing it down for years to keep the peace. So to you too I say :thumbup: for telling your M off, even if on a normal day you wouldn't have done it.
Thanks blueberry for telling me you did something similar, and the encouragement, I have to remember it's trauma.
Trigger warning SI
I've got a t session today, think I'll go to the doctors as well while I'm in town, I am not coping at all, if I didn't have my 3 wonderful children, I would not keep trying to live each day. But I need to for their sake.
End of trigger
Just had another full night of no sleep, my parents tryed to come see me yesterday , I asked them not to, they live a couple of hrs away, but they came anyway, so when they told me they were coming anyway, I left the house until night when I was sure they would be gone. Thankfully they were gone when I went home.
I hope the doctor give me something or I think I'll have to go back to the hospital. :fallingbricks:
Oh no! :aaauuugh: I'm so sorry your parents didn't respect your boundary. That's horrible.
So sorry for the intense struggles you are going through. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
Sorry to hear that your parents didn't respect your boundary. I hope that your doctor's appointment has gone ok, and sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks everyone
I'm doing slightly better, I now have emotions overflowing all over the place, it's really difficult to handle and control, I'm not used to it at all and I hate it.
I've had so much pain and anger I feel as though I'm losing my mind.
My kids are being pretty supportive and I'm so grateful, the small town where I live is alive with the gossip of my ex running off with this chick - buying a local business together and tripping overseas she's pregnant as well. The divorce isn't even finalised and I've been crushed by all this happening over the last 2 weeks, apparently lots of people where in the know but not me.
I'm using all my self control not to do serious harm, it's bought to the surface old abandonment and betrayal traumas which were never dealt with as well as this new trauma.
I haven't even had words to express this stuff, i still am so dumbfounded that 20yrs of marriage was so quickly and callously dumped for some young bimbo with a young family.
I know I sound bitter and angry and I am. Very much so .
Dear Wattlebird, :hug: to you, I'm sorry you have to go through this.
:hug: :hug: to you dear Wattlebird
Wattlebird - my heart truly breaks for you! That abandonment lurking under the surface, ready to reveal itself at a moment's notice, is so harsh and difficult to walk thru. I have to say I'd probably feel just as you do, bitter and angry.
We are here, accepting your feelings just as they are at this moment, hoping for your happiness and healing.
Hey wattlebird,
I feel like I can't adequately give you the supportive words you need right now. No words seem good enough. I guess I just want you to know that I'm rooting for you and that I want only good things for you.
Sending some understanding and deep breaths to you :yes:
Hi Wattlebird,
So much to have gone through - and I know whatever words of support I try to offer you - they won't do justice to what you need - but sending you a heart-felt hug :hug:
Hope :)
I am very grateful for your kind words, I'm feeling pretty good tonight so I thought I'd give and update to my journal.
This trauma I'm going through has triggered me quite severely, my previous "quiet borderline" has been triggered into full blown outward borderline, so instead of numb, Im over engulfed with so much pain, so I guess I'm no longer dissociating my feeling.
Sometimes it feels like I'm burning alive and I'm expected to think clearly, be thoughtful in my actions and considerate of others feelings, needless to say this takes some practice, I haven't been doing so well either.
Yesterday I believed the men in white coats were going to arrive at any minute. My ex has gone nc on me and I don't blame him either, I'm suprised I don't have a restraining order, I've completely cracked from this quiet people pleaser I used to be, it's so scary and hard for me to get my head around my kids have saved me they have been so good, so supportive what a true blessing they are.
I hate who I've become.
The trauma in my teens when my parents left me with my psychotic sister they went to a specific country for their holiday, now ex is leaving tomorrow with his new partner to this same country for a holiday, and told me I had to mind the dogs, (I didn't)
this has been so triggering I'm haveing some terrible flashbacks, not to mention the pain of his betrayal,
today has been better so I'm hopeful that I'm coming through it.
I'm here with you, sitting quietly. I'll be here as long as you want. Let's go sit on The Healing Porch and listen to the ocean while we have some tea. :hug:
Thanks 3r
I'll be down the porch with u sounds perfect.
I've gone inpatient for a while get my head straight
I may not be around for a little while .
Wattlebird
Wattlebird-
Sending you peace and absolutely no expectations. Be safe, friend.
Hi Wattlebird,
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you a gentle hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Hi again Wattlebird,
I hope you don't mind my popping in here again, I was thinking of you - hope you're ok.
Hope :)
Hi hope
Hi everyone
Im home ! Yay! I got home last night from being inpatient for 3 weeks, I'm feeling good, inpatient was a posative experience for me, but I'm glad to be home sleeping in my own bed, I have been given community help as well and have a bunch of follow up appointments, my daughter is coming to stay for a little while, so that will be nice. I'll talk more later, but wanted to update my friends here. Thank you for the support you have sent my way.
:cheer:
Wattlebird
Welcome home. :heythere:
So pleased that you are back home, having found your in patient stay to be a positive experience.
Libby.
That's great that you had a useful inpatient stay and you are feeling positive. Also that you are continuing to get support. :) :hug:
Yay! Welcome home! :hug:
Welcome home sweetie
Hi Wattlebird,
I am glad you are home safely and that it was a positive time - :hug:
Hope :)
Welcome home, Wattlebird! How nice for you to have support and caring in your recovery. A true blessing. :heythere:
Thank you so much everyone, what a lovely welcome back.
I've had my kids here over the last few days and it's been a good time, they are very supportive and understanding, I'm a very fortunate person to have such understanding kids. My behaviour prior to my inpatient stay was extreme and out of control, I am surprised at how understanding they have been. (And grateful)
I'm seeing my psychologist twice a week and mental health assessment teams once a week, to make sure I stay stable,
My antidepressants have been tripled and I've got a low dose antipsychotic as well which works wonders for my anxiety anger and destructive thinking.
We did lots of mindfulness work and I'm trying to stick to those techniques, seems like I have to ground myself constantly.
I'm moving house to get away from the constant triggers in this very small town, so moving again is stressful but staying will be much worse.
I'm Just taking it slowly and trying to minimise triggers.
Thanks again for the support
Wattlebird
Sounds like you have really outlined a good healthy plan for your self! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Sending encouragement as you take it slow and work on mindfulness. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird, great to hear you are doing well! :)
SaB
Hi Wattlebird,
Glad to hear things are going well, and I'd like to wish you the best with your house move. :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
Hello again
I've decided to get back to work on myself, I gave up on all self examination for a few months ( hence my absence here) I was in a bad place, but after my second hospitalisation recently, I'm going to make an effort to get back on track, I'm scared of confronting the issues causing my downward spiral though I realise it's the only way out of this hole.
So I'm going to get my head out of the sand and face up.
It's so nice to see so many of you still here and posting, I will try to catch up with the posts I've missed.
One step at a time though, I'm feeling very fragile.
Wattlebird
Welcome back Wattlebird. :hug: I missed you. I know you're feeling fragile, so take the steps you need, at the pace you need to take them, and wishing you the best.
Hope :)
welcome back. as you go thru this, know that we're there with you, standing by your side, cheering you one, and supporting you in your process. sending love and hugs, wb. glad to see you again. :grouphug:
:hug: welcome back! It's important that you focus on yourself for the time being - getting caught up on everyone's posts can wait imo. Don't feel pressure to read them all, or respond. You're feeling fragile so put yourself first, whatever that looks like for you personally. Be gentle with yourself, you matter.
:yeahthat:
And welcome back Wattlebird! :grouphug: I did wonder about you occasionally. But I know mbrs come back when the time is right for them.
I've taken breaks from healing in the past too, you're not alone there. :hug:
Welcome back! As the others have said, just go at a pace that is good for you. I hope all goes well in your renewed healing journey. Take care! :)
Welcome back :)
Here's hoping being here again can help you create some healing steps with which you can gain some traction as you seek to live the better life you richly deserve.
Thank you so much for that lovely welcome back, I've missed you all. :grouphug:
Each day I'm giving myself some small tasks to accomplish, they are minor at the moment and not too overwhelming.
I am getting them done, which is great.
I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow, my first visit after my latest hospitalisation, so that will probably be hard. I've been doing a lot more art projects as well, which is a real help in calming my mind.
Well I'm struggling with what to say, so I'll leave it there.
Thanks again for the warm welcome
xo wb
Wb-
So nice to have you back! Easy does it. I'm here to listen (and heading back to teaching tomorrow, so please forgive any lapses).
:hug:
I'm feeling a bit more posative today, my visit to my therapist was helpful, and helped me focus more on recovery than regrets. I really need to learn to sit with my feelings, not so easy atm though I'm managing it ok in little bites.
Today my daughter went home, and I'm enjoying the alone time, I also had lunch with some friends which was really nice.
xo wb
switching that focus, sitting with your feelings - a handful right there. i'm glad you'll have a bit of time on your own for practice. well done, wb! :thumbup: love and hugs to you :hug:
That sounds wonderful! :)
Welcome back, Wattlebird. :heythere: I think it's great that you are bringing yourself some calm through art. Continue to treat yourself with gentleness and kindness.
Thanks for the encouragement :thumbup:
Today was another posative day, I spent some time with a few friends and did some shopping, all rather nerve racking but I got through just fine, I have a dental appointment tomorrow, which is usually an awful experience for me, though it's my 3rd visit recently and I'm feeling far more confident, he is a good dentist, aware of my anxiety and I feel far more comfortable with him than I ever have sitting in the dentists chair. So hopefully that will continue to be the case, my therapist has given me calming techniques to practice while in the chair and they seem to work well, plus some anxiety meds and I should be fine. (I'm psyching myself up)
xo wb
All the best at the dentist tomorrow. Sounds like you've got some good tools on your side; you can handle it! Take care! :)
Thanks jazzy
Yeah the dentist went well, I even found I was encouraged by the self awareness I possessed, I was looking at it as a training session on overcoming anxiety and self soothing and I did really well.
:cheer:
I've had such a dreadful time over this year, at the moment I'm working on myself a lot better, Im wanting to process the years traumas and allow myself to feel and heal.
Not easy
Wb
Hi Wb,
:cheer: for how you coped with the dentist, it sounds like it went really well.
Wishing you the best with your aims to process the years traumas and allowing yourself to feel and heal. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks hope
I have put my house on the market, every doctor and therapist I've spoken to has advised me to relocate and I agree, it's a stressful situation selling and moving but my proximity to a number of very traumatic memories is too stressful to stay here.
I hope it's a smooth transition, I don't feel confident that I will cope with too much stress, a number of people have told me to go live or holiday somewhere else in the meantime but I need to prep the house for sale, anyway I think I'll at least need to stay this week to get the house in order. Well that's what I'm busy doing, my daughters will be here tomorrow, so that's going to help.
Well back to work
Xo wb
Hi Wb, I hope it is a smooth transition, and wishing you the best with your move. Nice that your daughter will be around to help out. :hug:
Hope :)
Scary and exciting. All the best to you - :hug:
Sending best wishes with the move!
Thanks for all my best wishes with moving. :hug:
I saw my psychologist today, and it was a really hard time, I'm a real mess, I just want to lay in bed all week, but I said I'd have lunch with some friends tomorrow and then I'm having a mental health review assessing how I'm coping out of hospital, so I'd better drag myself out of bed in the morning, I'm depressed just thinking about it.
I feel bad talking so negative, but I can't even be bothered trying.
Wb
Hi Wb,
Just wanted to send you a hug, :hug:
Hope :)
:hug:
:hug:
Thanks. For my lovely hugs
I am feeling a load better today
I had a good talk with my d2 today, though I'm very tired now and I'm off to bed, just wanted to touch base
wb
I'm starting to read about dissociation and treatments, trying to get my mind to settle into a recovery mode - I really want to move forward but I have parts of myself that fight this a lot, I definitly need to be more attentive to my parts.
Hopefully writing here will remind me each day
Wb
I've been cleaning up the house for the sales photos, im so sick of it.
I am back into a bad sleeping pattern, seems like everywhere I turn there's another problem to deal with, it's hard for me to cope with. both my daughters are having a really hard time, and I know I've caused them much heartache with my bouts in the psych ward, I just need a stretch of peace and calm. I'm sure that's why I sleep too much, it's just the safest way to deal with the emotional overload at the moment
Wb
Therapy in the morning, making me a bit anxious as it was hard last week, my therapist is pushing me to let out this emotion but I keep in holding back, she is pretty understanding about it all though I don't feel pressured.
On a good note I've finished cleaning the house, thank goodness, been house shopping online and it's hard to nail down exactly what I want or where - i just know I want to get out of this town where everyone knows my business and years events, the real estate agent selling my place even knew all the details, which he talked all about, I think he was trying to be sympathetic telling me he knew everything - I was just horrified at how much he actually knew, since he has no real connection to me besides being my agent, it will be so nice to actually move.
Wattlebird just want to send some support, it sounds like you are doing really well with getting the house ready. I'm sorry the estate agent got his nose right up in your business.
Thanks s&b, I appreciate that.
Had therapy today it was hard again - I cried much more than I ever had before, usually a couple of tears get thru my defences, but I let go today in a much more defenceless way , if that makes sense. I'm so tired now I'm going to bed 5 hrs early, it was very draining.
So good night
Wb
Good night, Wb. I hope you sleep well and wake up feeling rested.
It sounds like a big step to allow yourself to cry at such a level. It also sounds exhausting, so I'm glad you took care of yourself by going to be early.
Thanks snowdrop and notalone, I slept wonderfully for 12 hrs, it must have helped though, today I'm feeling much better and got some chores done that I've been avoiding due to the anxiety they would usually produce ( having to interact with people) and I wasn't anxious at all.
Had a check up with the mental health team and they were happy with my progress except my eating patterns, so altogether I'm feeling quite posative, my therapist gave me some work to do on trying to recognise anger, it will take a fair bit of work I suspect.
So nice to feel good for a change :cheer:
That's great to hear. :cheer:
Hi Wattlebird,
Glad to hear that you slept wonderfully for 12 hours, :cheer: Also that you got some chores done and you're feeling much better.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks hope and snowdrop,
I've decided to go camping for 3 or 4 days each week, until the house is sold. Get out of this town for as much as possible, so I've prepped my vehicle and packed and when I wake up I'm heading off, I may visit my mum but only if I feel up to it. Should b good
Wb
Here I am camping by the beach, I just had a midnight swim under the stars, now I'm going to meditate and then sleep, a lovely way to exist.
Wb
That sounds perfect, wb. I found myself unwind just by reading your words.
Sounds fantastic wattlebird :thumbup:
Home again, as it started raining, and forecast more.
when I was camping I did find that I could tolerate my emotions for a far longer period than the usual couple of minutes. I'm starting to feel as though I'm making progress in recovery instead of just trying to stay afloat.
Feeling posative is scary I feel as though I'm being set up for another blow.
Quote from: Wattlebird on September 17, 2019, 06:31:14 PM
when I was camping I did find that I could tolerate my emotions for a far longer period than the usual couple of minutes. I'm starting to feel as though I'm making progress in recovery instead of just trying to stay afloat.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause: I hope that's not too positive ??? I know about positive feeling scary though too.
It's a shame it rained because your plans sounded wonderful! Hope it works out another time. :)
Wattlebird said:
"Feeling positive is scary I feel as though I'm being set up for another blow."
I know that feeling as well, with my inner critic suggesting that I "might as well expect the worst, it's always gone that way." When it didn't, I still didn't alter the false expectation, because it was so normal and 'baked in' by the time I realized any different.
Still working on this; it's very entrenched; sounds like it's so for you as well. My main realization is just that hey, I'm no longer around the harmful people or places of yore, but this absorption of the 'gotta get outta here' feeling hangs on like a deep physical wound would.
As you realize this, too -- it's an important step one. It took me years to do the same, so now at least I have that option of remembering that oh yeah, I really am in a different place now.
Here's hoping you can keep on knowing that the inner warning lights are leftovers from the old days, and your new journey features an opening in the darkness; and it feels good. :hug:
Thanks blueberry, I'm planning to go each week for 3 or 4 days, as where I'm living is pretty toxic at the moment, I'm moving as soon as I can sell the house.
Thanks woodsgnome I appreciate your input, yes my inner critic is harassing me a lot. Something to consider, thanks.
Seeing my therapist tomorrow, gets me anxious every week but I look forward to it as well.
Hi Wattlebird,
I hope your session goes ok tomorrow with your T.
:hug:
Hope :)
Thanks hope it went well.
I've had a busy week, visited my mum which was ok, had my son come to visit, I went to the local beach for the first time in weeks, I think I've got my sleep cycles back to normal, hopefully.
I struggle a lot with normal day night sleep, the more anxious I get the more likely I'll slip to day sleep night awake.
I'm pretty sure this comes from extreme social anxiety - I become uncontactable even if someone knocks on my door I don't hear them.
So that's my goal this week, sleep nights I don't need to leave the house except for therapy - I feel like I'm rambling
Ok hope you are all well
Wb
good luck w/ getting your sleep times back in order. i can relate. it's getting better as i make progress, so hopefully yours will as well.
i'm glad you were able to go camping if only for a little while. that midnite swim sounded wonderful!
keep going! i think you're doing great! sending love and a hug full of nighttime sleep! :hug:
So glad you're improving Wattlebird! All the best with the sleep cycles, that can be really difficult. Take care! :)
Hi Wattlebird!
:heythere:
I didn't hear any rambling, just a beloved forum member who needed to be listened to. :hug: :hug:
Thanks everyone I appreciate the encouraging,
My sleep cycle is going well, thankfully.
I've got therapy today, which I think will be hard, I've got some emotional baggage from my visit to my parents, plus a recurring dream I've had since childhood, that I mentioned in passing last week and my therapist mentioned a possible interpretation, I didn't think much about it until I dreamt it again last night and realised she was right, during the dream I realised what was going on. It's a strange sensation working out a dream after dreaming it for 30+ years.
Well I'm pretty anxious now but I'm going to b brave :wave:
Wb
Glad to hear that your sleep cycle is doing well, and you figured out your dream. I hope your T session goes well and helps with that baggage. Take care!: )
Quote from: Wattlebird on September 25, 2019, 10:29:35 PM
It's a strange sensation working out a dream after dreaming it for 30+ years.
:cheer: This is great to hear you've experienced this realisation.
:hug: to you Wb
Hope :)
You are brave every day
Hi all
I've been away visiting my sister1, she is the only family member that I feel at ease around, as she acknowledges the family's disfunction and the affects it has had. I don't see her that often as she lives 12hrs drive away.
My therapist has been away on holidays and whenever she goes away I seem to fall into a hole, the last two times she was away I ended up in hospital, so we planned the visit to co- inside with her absence to help me. I still found myself badly triggered when I came home, though came thru it without any distructive behaviour,
I pretty embarrassed that I don't cope with her holidaying, why am I so dependant on her. I'm severely triggered by abandonment but I know she isn't abandoning me she is just holidaying - I hate that I'm so fragile,
I'm afraid I'm setting myself off again. Starting to think destructively -
So I'm going to go do some art work and calm myself down, I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow that will help I hope. Although once when she cancelled an appointment because she was sick I yelled at her during the next meeting, omg I am humiliated at the meer thought of it. It's the only time I've ever lost my temper at her.
:pissed:
Well off to do some calming down
Wb
Welcome back Wattlebird, and I hope that you're having a relaxing and calming art work session. Good luck with the therapist session tomorrow.
Sending you a safe hug if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Its great that you were able to visit with your sister, and that it helped you deal with your T being away. That was a great idea. Take care! :)
Thanks jazzy and hope I am thankful for the support :hug:
My visit to my therapist went well, and was helpful with some problems this week has produced - I told her about a very tempting opportunity to cause myself more grief and she suggested an excellent solution which I enacted, I was quite proud of myself for 1. Telling her in the first place and 2. Taking her suggestion and actioning it.
I have been a bit bombarded with temptations this past week and have come through it without falling to any.
Such a relief to see this progress.
I also have been realising that my relationship with her has finally reached the point where I am being completely honest with her. It's taken 20 months of weekly therapy to get to this point. That is how on guard I am of trusting people.
I'm worried about the near future as both my parents now have terminal illnesses, I don't feel anything about this at present but realise I will have to face up to dealing with some more emotional turmoil shortly. I don't feel like I'm in any way ready for any more turmoil, I've had a dreadful year in and out of the psych hospital and under community mental health assessments still. I just dread the next blow one day , and wish them dead the next. Then feel guilty for being a heartless *.
such is life
Wb
I have the feeling I haven't seen you around for a while, Wattlebird. I'd just like to give you :hug: :hug:
QuoteI was quite proud of myself for 1. Telling her in the first place and 2. Taking her suggestion and actioning it.
:applause: :cheer: :applause: :cheer: :applause:
You've worked hard for coming this far! But you've made it this far, so I have no doubt you'll get even further! You are a warrior.
I hope you get some time for peace to adjust to the new skills you have learned and developed before new challenges hit you.
Hi Wattlebird,
I agree with Sceal, you are a warrior, and :cheer: to you, as well as a couple of hugs, if that's ok :hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you for the support everyone, thanks sceal for the warrior comment, and hope too, thanks blueberry for the hugs, and 3 roses you are as supportive as always thank you so much.
I've had a rough week but doing ok I'm dealing with it in a healthy way.
I'm a bit concerned with my frame of mind, the amount of intrusive thoughts is sometimes overwhelming. I've been trying to listen to my parts more this week though the suggestions some parts throw at me are highly destructive, I wish my house would sell - I need to move away from this place. It's so triggering,
I need to remember that I've done well not to enact any of these suggestions, and thoughts are just thoughts, it's how I treat myself and others that counts.
Wb
QuoteI need to remember that I've done well not to enact any of these suggestions, and thoughts are just thoughts, it's how I treat myself and others that counts.
This is a very good point. Sometimes we can have terrible thoughts, but staying in control of our actions is the key thing. Good job staying away from destructive behaviour. :)
Thanks jazzy
Journal
I had therapy today and it was going ok, until later in the session my therapist told me that she will no longer be working there next year and we need to make plans to continue my therapy with her via other means I.e. Video conferencing or the like, I just went to pieces, I became very triggered, as I have severe abandonment issues, I could see she was very careful in reassuring me and worried as to how badly I would react. I felt guilty for my reaction - she reassured me on this too. She is going to ring me tomorrow to check up on me too, so why do I feel like *, she isn't dropping me as a client, actually I got the impression I'm the only patient she is dropping.
Its taken me the best part of 2 years to let down my guard with her, my head is a mess
Oh Wattlebird, how upsetting! So difficult. Your reaction is understandable given our backgrounds. I've had success with using affirmations in circumstances like this... In any case I hope you find some relief soon. :hug:
Building trust is an essential part of any movement towards recovery. So it's a serious blow to the system to find out this unexpected development. For now, at least there's the alternatives suggested by your T; perhaps this isn't ideal, but at least it's there and might help ease the pain.
One thing is still certain -- those of us here pulling for you, hoping there will be some way to keep up the progress you have shared. Keep up the self-care.
:hug: :grouphug:
Very difficult news from your therapist. I understand your reaction. If I had received that news, I would have fallen apart too. I don't know if it would help to remind yourself that she cares and isn't leaving you (i.e. she is keeping you as a client).
I'm sorry Wattlebird :hug: That would be really hard news for most of us I'm sure. We are here for you, even though we obviously aren't therapists. :grouphug:
Thank you so much for the support all of you.
Yesterday was a awful day, I was badly triggered and very tempted to act out in ways that have previously been very destructive, not only to myself but others as well.
But I followed my crisis plan and got thru it, today I've been a lot better, I feel so good to have overcome thoses awful temptations last night that it's helped my self confidence a lot. I'm still struggling with the same temptation tonight though it's more manageable - my therapist checked up on me today and seemed happily suprised at my success (as am I)
Wattlebird wrote: " ... seemed happily surprised at my success (as am I)."
:thumbup: Here's to more success; you're proving your inner strength and perseverance to do the best you can. Congrats! :applause:
I am sorry to hear that yesterday was an awful day filled with so many triggers. :( But a big thumbs up for you deciding to try out your crisis plan! Really good that it worked and that you're feeling better today!
Great job following your crisis plan. :cheer:
As I read your encouraging responses I realised what a big part you all have had in keeping me feeling posative.
Thank you so much for your kind words it has really helped me thru a tough week. :grouphug:
:grouphug:
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Journal
Things have improved a bit this week, I was able to do some paid work, the first since January, so I'm feeling good about that, also my self confidence is growing with every success in overcoming self destructive impulses, I'm impatient for my house to sell so I can get away from the multitude of triggers here, I'm really looking forward to a fresh start.
Wb
That sounds really positive, Wb. I'm pleased your self confidence is growing.
Nice to hear from you again! Here's to fresh starts!
Looking back over my last few entries and it seems that in just 3 weeks I plummeted a long way, I'm back in the psych hospital and this is my 10th day here, what to say ?..... I think that says it all
Wb xo
I'm so sorry to hear that Wb. Sending you love, hugs and support. :hug:
Wattlebird,
Sending you care. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
I would like to wish you the best for your stay in the psych hospital, and I hope they are good to you there, and that you feel safe. Sending you safe hugs, if that's ok :hug: :hug: and thinking of you.
Hope :)
Thanks everyone, I'm starting to feel a lot better, thanks for the hugs
They are treating me well, just wanted to pop in and say thanks, but I'm going to sleep now - good night
Wb
I'm glad to hear you're being looked after. Sleep well. Sending you :hug: and :zzz:
May you find rest, hope, and strength to where you feel better and better. You richly deserve all the hugs and support from everyone here ~~~ :grouphug: ~~~
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I'm finally home in my own bed and loving it, I was in hospital for 3 weeks but I've come out feeling a lot better than previous shorter visits, so it was worth it, what a horrid year it's been, I'm looking forward to a fresh start in the new year. I'm going to stay with my daughters and son for a week at each place over Christmas which will be a good escape from here for a while, hopefully the house sells in that time and I can move into a new place without the triggers I have here.
I've got a few appointments tomorrow and Thursday and I'm off to the city Friday .
Thank you so much for your support everyone it helped me thru
Wb
Welcome home, Wattlebird. :hug:
Hi Wattlebird,
Welcome home, and lovely that you enjoyed sleeping back in your own bed.
:hug:
Hope :)
Hi all,
Thanks for the welcome home, I'm at my d1 place, it took a while to get here as there are major bushfires all over and many many roads are closed, I got here finally and we are well away from the fires now thankfully, my therapist was discussing giving me some DBT work this coming year, so I've been reading a book about it, my d2 did a group therapy dbt last year and she is defitely coping better, so I'm going to try focusing on that for now.
Happy holidays and stay safe this season
X wb
Welcome home. I hope you have a peaceful and restful time with your children.
Well I'm home and smack bang in the path of a fire said to hit here on Saturday - the roads are already blocked every direction, at least I have power and telecommunications now it was down for 2 days and expected to go down again, anxiety is up and down.
The place is crazy - I'm just trying to manage my mental health - just 2 weeks out of hospital and I'm facing this new test - it's just so wonderful to have power and inet again at least I can communicate with people again
Xo wb
That would terrify me! Stay safe, Wattlebird. :hug:
Scary. Keep safe.
:hug: ... for strength and safety.
Dear Wattlebird, I hope you are able to stay safe, and I wish you much strength to endure this. I am glad you have power and telecommunications now, and I hope that will continue and you'll be ok :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks for the support,
I'm lying I bed trying to sleep, tomorrow is meant to be horrendous 42deg c strong winds coming directly towards us from the fire front which is 60 km wide and not far away its supposed to hit here around lunch time - so I'm a nervous wreck and I seriously doubt I'll b able to sleep - I doubled my meds but don't think it's helping much.
We will lose communications so I'll update you as soon as I can get back online, the devestation here is massive, the trauma in the area is going to have huge long term effects and they are saying the worst is still to come, our small community is going to shelter at the beach or in the water if necessary - were as prepared as can be so wish us luck - don't know how I'll cope with my social anxiety - with the whole community together in a highly stressful situation - I just want some sleep to help me cope.
Thanks for listening to my ranting I just needed to vent off some anxiety
Wb
Good luck. I can't begin to imagine what this must be like. Look after yourself as best you can and stay safe. :hug:
Good luck. Thinking of you. Stay safe and I wish you strength and hope you managed to get some sleep last night. :hug:
Praying for your emotional and physical safety.
Thanks everyone
We are safe, the fires turned and missed us, but we haven't escaped yet, there is fire in every direction and roads are cut so we will be lucky to entirely escape before this is through, we are well stocked for food and water though and in no immediate danger, my d1 is here and can't get home, her boss has been great though letting her use her work vehicle to transport down supplies for us knowing she may not be able to return- I'm just grateful she is here it's keeping me sane having her, it's absolutely a horrendous situation here in Australia there are people losing houses and lives all over, we have no access to fuel or food though the army is starting to escort food down, there are people camping through out the bigger towns, it looks like a refugee camp, we are fortunate to be by the beach at least we have the ocean to jump into, which many many hundreds have done to save there lives I've seen masses of cars drive straight into a lake to save there lives and families, there are towns that have lost the majority of there shops and houses, it's just mind blowing absolutely mind blowing, I'm feeling quit posative today though being free of danger for a couple of days thanks for letting me vent on a non cptsd subject although maybe it is, it's been a quite traumatising experience,
Thanks wb
Thank goodness you're safe. I've been thinking of you and praying that you're OK. It sounds absolutely horrendous.
I'm glad you have lots of supplies, and I hope you continue to stay safe. :hug:
Thank you for the update. Relieved to hear you are safe. Continuing to pray for you specifically and others in Australia as well.
Hi Wattlebird,
I am so glad to hear you're safe. :hug:
Hope :)
Hi again
Thanks for the well wishes, I've started a new journal so thank you for being a part of this one - time to focus on recovery xoxo
:grouphug:
Wb
Wattlebird-
I've been offline for awhile and am just now catching up somewhat. Sending you strength and positive thoughts as you and many others continue enduring such horrendous conditions.