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[I have always had a problem with playing with the gd's and also with My children... when they ask me to play with them I always turn them down. I do not know why I do not like to play with them..I feel silly,... I am going to try and think about that!]

like tea parties? That is so funny... when I was active on eBay I bought several children's tea sets! I packed them away in My house somewhere not sure where! I did research and find a old doll that I'd had as a kid I bought that too! It sits on the shelve in My living room,

I have always had a problem with playing with the gd's and also with My children... when they ask me to play with them I always turn them down.  I do not know why I do not like to play with them..I feel silly,... I am going to try and think about that! 

OMG!!! This made me remember something! In my 20s and early 30s, I was depressed a lot and felt like a failure for not having a family (I never had kids). But you saying how you felt uncomfortable playing with them--that made me remember how I wouldn't even go into a toy store at the mall with my boyfriend who wanted to go in and look at stuff. I totally didn't understand why. I was completely out of touch that I had an inner child at that time, and since we didn't have kids,  i (logically) didn't see any reason for us to go in there. But you know what? It was more than that--it wasn't just logical, I had an AVERSION to it. Now I think it was partly that I might start crying from the jealousy I had over not having kids, but I also see maybe it was that I was NOT going to let Little Pammy wake up by doing something she might like (not knowing she even existed at the time). IDK, it's confusing, but really weird! I forgot I even used to have that aversion!

After I discovered the Inner Children, I have bought a lot of toys for them. Like you, BadMemories, i got a specific book on ebay that I remember having--a big red storyland book that has fairytales and Disney stories in it. It was actually from the 1970s too, old, but in good condition. Then i also used to subscribe to Highlights Magazine for Children so I bought 6 copies of those too--ones I probably actually had from the early 70s. I say I am going to use the pages for decoupaging projects.....once I get good at decoupaging, that is. That way they won't just get recycled into the garbage. 

She said she's ok because I'm strong for her now and she told me she likes tea parties. Bad memory for me but good memory for her. Unexpected. She also reminded me I used to color with crayons in my 20's and told me that was her. Also unexpected.

That's interesting about the crayons in your 20s--are you an artist? What kind of drawings were they? I'm an artist but i could never do anything that didn't look childlike with crayons, lol.

Posted by Pam:

I made it age appropriate--had a lock and key, with Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty on the cover, used crayons, and sat in a chair that I don't normally sit in. I also bought small toys for her like a can of play-doh or a yoyo which I sometimes would actually pick up and handle for a while thinking of her. Another thing I remember doing was laying down with a teddy bear and taking a short nap (I hate naps!) Bot for the most part I had started this writing so she would get it out and leave me alone. I know,,,,this goes against the "embrace and love your inner child" rule. I also was completely incapable of anything resembling "self-compassion." Where was I supposed to have learned that? So I "let" her write.


Soon after I started, I did notice something...for the first time in 7 yrs of seeing counselors and reading self help books, etc. I actually felt emotional relief after letting her write. EVERY SINGLE TIME! It was like a miracle and I'd laugh about how weird it was when describing it to my boyfriend. I kept saying "There's a little girl inside me and I never know WHAT she's going to write! Actually I think I'm learning things from her! I like her a LOT! This is so amazing and cool!"

Thank You for putting this into a place where I could do it. I am going to go to amazon right now and get me one of those kid diaries. Writing with the left hand sounded ODD to me when Kizzie first wrote it! I am going to try. I have been giving IC a few decisions lately...I asked he what I should eat one day and she said "chocolate ice cream" so I bought it. I was also playing iwth a YoYo but the GD's lost it somewhere... I am going to have to find it!  ...

I hope you are having good connections with your inner child. I think that's great about the chocolate ice cream. Something like a decision of what to eat--that's something little kids like to be asked, huh.  For me the diary gave her a sense of safety and a real tangible place for her to live.

http://www.earn-network.org/files/site/32903/WSRtABCDEtechnique.pdf

Ok here's a link to the ABCDE method. It has a sample of someone doing it. This shows how it works, but also shows it working for something "everyday"--applying for a job. But still I guess it's good if you're the type to spiral out of control, beginning with something everyday. Then it would nip it in the bud.

I too read Burns' FEELING GOOD! I actually skipped straight to chapter 11 called "The Approval Addiction." Life changing for me. I left the bookstore different in one little way, but it had a very positive effect on the way I looked at depending on others for a sense of self. Anyway, I went back and bought the book later, but I had already gotten out of it what I did that first day.

On the ABCD method--there is a step missing. It should be ABCDE! I learned that from another of my books, LEARNED OPTIMISM by Martin Seligman.

Step E is for "Energization." So after you dispute the belief, truly dispute it to convince yourself that there is another way to look at it, you write a final paragraph that explains what you learned and why you now actually FEEL DIFFERENT. This is what I picture as the jumping up and down stage where you are so happy to see you were wrong in the first place, lol. I'm not even a big fan of CBT, and I don't think most therapists do it right and that's why so many people feel like they fail at it. But these steps are really good for problem solving, in everyday situations, etc. They are pretty useless tho if you're lying on the floor crying or can't get out of bed from depression. But if and when you atch yourself with the ANTs, I think it can work.

I really think it's important to do step E because it will force your mind to put the result in your own words, physically write it out, and then see it for yourself. Uses more senses, and will stick better.

"I know that you got the way you did out of love for me. It was the only thing we knew how to do to survive..."

This is how I feel about mine too. He did what he had to do, and still does it, even tho it's not so necessary anymore. He did have good intentions at least--to protect. But at the same time it hurt me too and kept me down. Once I respected his view and gave him credit for "watching out for me" he cooled off quite a bit and loosened the reins he had on me. We are still not all the way there, but he's a lot better now. 

I think it's a good sign actually that the feelings (her feelings) are closer to the surface, even tho it can be very inconvenient in the present situation. And this time, when you feel the old feelings, they will get processed the right way and completely (maybe over time, but still, that's ok). i like to think of it as the inner child can "metabolize" their feelings. Not having done that before, it's like swallowing a piece of unchewed steak, lol. This time they get to be digested and go thru all the stages they should have in the first place/original trauma. That's what I think anyway, lol.

I procrastinate it like crazy too....as much as I love and try to popularize this. I don't think it's something you should have to do all the time tho. Giving yourself breaks is a good idea too. I kind of let them decide what to do. 

I hope you don't feel bad. 

...   


Pam is going to be our head cheerleader in this IC work I think 

Thank you so much Kizzie, i will try as much as I can! 

Really I think this is so worth it. The words "healing" and "therapeutic" were like foreign language words before i started Inner Child work. It's really good to see people are doing it and that it helps too. It would be a real challenge to run across someone who does it and it doesn't help them. I can't imagine it. But I have run across a lot of people who are afraid to do it. And from what little they tell me, it's because they can almost feel them or it's like they already know it will be a lot of emotion, so they are afraid to open that can of worms. And I try to be reassuring of that. It IS scary, but I figure the more someone is hesitant to do it, the more they NEED to, you know?

She said hello to me.

Yay! 

I talked my boyfriend into doing this too and his inner child is very inhibited, so a lot of the time, he just says hi and then says he is going to go play. 

Fascinating techniques, here! Thanks so much for sharing.

I've been trying to do inner child work for ages - talking to her, writing, hypnosis, even using symbols and art to communicate in case she couldn't understand language, but the results have been limited. Tonight I tried writing with my non-dominant hand and guess what, there she was! 

I knew it really was my inner child because the first thing my non-dominant hand wrote was "I want everyone to shut up and leave me alone!!"  I was a cranky child who desperately wanted  more privacy, you see. But I had more or less forgotten that part of myself until it showed up on paper. With just a few questions, other things came out that were quite surprising, things long forgotten but I now remember were once deeply held beliefs. There's a lot there to explore.

Thanks again for the information.

Wow, it sure is amazing isn't it? I'm glad it worked for you. Good thing you didn't give up. For me personally, it was more important that I let her express herself rather than me talk to or support her. Mine want to speak up! When I first started, I had about 6 different 5 yr old versions of myself, but only 2 or 3 really wrote in the diary--the angry one, the sad one, and the spunky one. Your's seems kind of spunky with her strong statement. 

...hard for me to believe anyone on here even knows of me.

I know of you! Good to hear from you again. 

Thanks for being so detailed about your dialogues with your inner child, especially about how you used props and activities to evoke her. That was useful to read. Gah, I hope my English makes sense, it's late here and I'm so tired I'm going to faceplant onto my keyboard in a minute now. I just wanted to say that this was a lot more helpful to read than the dry-as-bones instructions one gets on "official" websites of some therapists.

I've done something similar, writing dialogues with different parts of my psyche, a bit like this Inner Team thing peopel talk about nowadays. It echoes your own journey a little bit - I started out HIGHLY sceptical at first, but it was like we became friends after a while. Writing those dialogues became so intensely rewarding and happy-making, I'd never have expected that. Not every single time, but still, it was absolutely amazing.

Thanks a lot Schrodinger's Cat! 

I said in my post that I have a hard time writing about this--It's not because I can't or am embarassed, it's because it's such a hard thing to communicate about the right way in just writing. So I always feel like I'm not getting it across properly, just like the descriptions in books you mention. I really wish I could share the actual diaries and everything in person with everyone here. I have social anxiety, so this isn't something I can do yet, but would love to at least make a video where I talk about and show all my inner child stuff. I couldn't read from my diary without crying tho, so it would be very uncomfortable for others! Yeah.....if I wasn't so shy I could make a personal inner children blog and then post links to it. I'd have to figure out how to make it private and anonymous...

Inner Team? I don't think I've heard that before. Makes perfect sense to me! I call myself an "inner family." Probably since i didn't have much of an outer one, lol.

Thank you you guys. I usually feel invisible and haven't been here much lately so it's hard for me to believe anyone on here even knows of me.

Yes I used crayons but also with the non-dominant hand. I somehow knew it's the unconscious side.  I kind of thought there would be less control over what came out if I used the opposite hand.

I didn't set out to plan to do Inner Child work. I was kind of forced into it/compelled/inspired out of desperation and circumstances. I had what i now know are EFs and they were really bad. I was suicidal all the time. I had been having the inner child come out a lot and take over me so i appeared completely crazy. I knew I had a 5 yr old child in there, but i did NOT want to deal with her. I knew she was still upset over my mother dying and i knew better than anyone how inconsolable she was, because i already lived it. (As an adult i was being triggered all the time from any and all types of rejection or perceived abandonment.) I finally "got sick of her" and decided to get a diary so she would stop bothering me with her feelings.

I made it age appropriate--had a lock and key, with Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty on the cover, used crayons, and sat in a chair that I don't normally sit in. I also bought small toys for her like a can of play-doh or a yoyo which I sometimes would actually pick up and handle for a while thinking of her. Another thing I remember doing was laying down with a teddy bear and taking a short nap (I hate naps!) Bot for the most part I had started this writing so she would get it out and leave me alone. I know,,,,this goes against the "embrace and love your inner child" rule. I also was completely incapable of anything resembling "self-compassion." Where was I supposed to have learned that? So I "let" her write.

First day she wrote "I'm so sad." and i cried real feelings! Not my usual shame crying from hearing nothing but negative crap from my inner critic for having feelings in the first place. These were REAL! Next time she wrote "Why does Dad hate me?" And of course I had no answer! I actually didn't write to her for the first IDK how long because i the adult was in no condition to make up lies and be supportive when i already knew how my life turned out and I couldn't be nurturing at all. (Again, where was I supposed to have learned that?)

I was in therapy at the time and my counselor kept telling me to be loving and all that stuff to my inner child but I couldn't, didn't have it in me, maybe was too married to the inner critic to go off his script? IDK. But Little Pammy kept writing anyway.

Soon after I started, I did notice something...for the first time in 7 yrs of seeing counselors and reading self help books, etc. I actually felt emotional relief after letting her write. EVERY SINGLE TIME! It was like a miracle and I'd laugh about how weird it was when describing it to my boyfriend. I kept saying "There's a little girl inside me and I never know WHAT she's going to write! Actually I think I'm learning things from her! I like her a LOT! This is so amazing and cool!"

So even tho it wasn't 2-way communication at first, she knew I was here and listening and watching. Also even tho I didn't want to be bothered with her feelings, I completely understood them, and so of course i didn't criticize her. That alone was healing for her so she opened up more.

A couple yrs ago the 5 yr old wanted to do a "Mommy Project." I got her a white with blue dotted lined pad from Walmart and she wrote "This is for me to write my feelings about Mommy, and ONLY Mommy" in crayon, and I worked on that across 3 months, what I believe was finishing grieving my mother. It included her writing a couple notes TO Mommy too, to let her know not only that we missed her, but mad at her for going to live with God and she was the only one who could make us feel better, but she wasn't there. Stuff like that. I stopped having certain feelings about women and abandonment after that. Also not angry at her anymore.

This is getting too long! I have a really hard time writing about this, always have.

Anyway....it sounds like we are doing very similar things Kizzie, even tho we arrived there in totally different ways. Actually I don't know anyone who started out doing inner child work/writing with a completely negative attitude like I did, lol. Most people who do it WANT to and also have some kind of a plan? IDK. The other interesting difference is how you could do fun things with yours first, before doing the harder more serious stuff, whereas I had to listen to mine's feelings a lot before she built up trust in me/feel secure and comfortable with me first before letting her guard down and having fun, lol.

Since then I had another one who's 9 come out, and just recently, a 12 yr old. With them i write right handed and use pen and normal paper. I guess I can tap into them pretty well since I am used to doing it already, lol. Actually I came online to make a YouTube song list for my 12 yr old (music from 1980/81) and instead clicked on the CPTSD site!  

I used to think I had DID back when my littlest inner child who woke up after a few decades. Then a few yrs later there was an older child, 9, and another recently made herself known who carries the despair from when I was 12. They seem like separate people inside me, but I am only now more able to clearly see they are more like "dissociated pockets of feeling" (I just made that up, but it's true)  that have been out of my emotional awareness. Just feelings and memories, but they all belong to me and I actually have known about them in an intellectual way, but not a feeling way. I truly believe things get dissociated when they are unbearable. Now, as part of healing, these feelings are coming back as I am able to handle them. It's weird because most of the time I feel like it's just happening on its own, but I do things that have helped it along too. Mainly the thing that's helped is inner child writing. That made me stronger and able to feel more of my past hurt.

So I had my second session with my new T and we did this really neat (scary) IC exercise.  With my dominant hand I would write down a question for my IC.  My first one was "What do you want to say to me?"  Then I had to switch to my non-dominant hand and have her answer which of course looked and felt like a little kid writing.  It went back and forth it went for about 20 minutes. 

It was amazing because my IC is normally very much in lock down, but this technique brought her right out - it was amazing really and quite powerful. I cried quite a bit and it was a bit of a sad, lonely kind of crying at first then turned into relief and some joy at having her speak up and be reassured by adult me.

Anyway, quite an experience and recommend it as a great tool for connecting with your IC.

Hi I haven't been here in a while and I just happened to start with this thread because it's one of my favorite topics.

I'm a little surprised at how you are mentioning this as if you just heard of it. I told you about doing this months ago over on sas, and I've been doing it myself for years, (since 2006). I always preach about inner child diary writing. Usually people are unreceptive to it. You seemed interested, but also like you wanted to find a therapist first. So I had told you, "oh no, you don't have to wait to do it with a therapist, you can do it yourself!" Then I just dropped it because I didn't want to be pushy. IDK, maybe you don't remember all that. 

I am in the middle of the chapter in Walker's book on Grieving and I can't even get through it. I keep crying. I am only now able to see, and start feeling anything about the neglect I experienced in childhood (partly because I have only focused on the "easier to see and prove to people that I was mistreated" physical abuse).

I can't even believe how horrible I felt/am feeling in EFs about all the things that no one did with me. No wonder it's been repressed for so long.

Spryte, I have read some of your posts today and can relate to a lot of what you say and feel. I think I need to grieve for many of the same things you mentioned....but who wants to do that? It's going to be * I think.

Also I have no one to do it with because I don't trust anyone (new insight of mine). And yeah, I'd rather almost die than ask someone for help. I am very stubborn about that. But now i know why--it's because I was hurt so bad in the past that I really can't trust, depend on, relay on, anyone for the simplest thing now.   

PS. Chapter 5 which is called "What If I Wasn't Hit?" really affected me. I WAS hit, but I couldn't believe how much I related to that chapter. It opened my eyes to the fact that I am really messed up from emotional neglect. And that I need to focus on that instead of forgetting about it or sweeping it under the rug as if it didn't mean anything. And now the chapter on Grieving is getting to me too.