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I think you are in very good company here Homer, so many of us struggle with this. We never had healthy messages about ourselves or role models for relationships so it's no wonder we have such social anxiety. I'm impressed that you are reaching out to the person at work frankly so kudos and bravo to you.     

I know for me I was terribly afraid of being rejected until I came to see myself in more of a positive light - kind, decent, trustworthy, fun, etc. Perhaps if you look at who you really are and not what the inner critic tells you, you might feel more comfortable with the relationship? I can start you off and say I think you are courageous for sharing about this and for pursuing the friendship despite the constant work it has taken.     

There are reasons this person likes you, maybe you could share here why you think that is?

Thank you that's very kind

I think all of those good things about myself until the moment I reveal something about myself or ask for something

They like me because I'm genuine, kind, fun. I do make  more of an effort but its 60/40 rather than 90/10, but they do message me with things they like or things that are personal to them and I don't think anyone would do that if they didn't care for me

This may not be for everyone but it's something that helped me last night. I tried to think about how I would want a friend to behave with me and I am trying to treat myself like that rather than guessing what another person wants when I have no control and a little bit of an idea but not enough to satisfy my anxiety. It shifts the focus to what I need and it helped me to stop ruminating on how everything could go wrong then I had a bit more energy to take care of myself

Hi HomerJ,

I read your words, and I could offer up so many stories, but I don't think it would be very helpful. I live with this too, and it's challenging. It is so much better than it once was for me, however. I have made progress.

How I deal with these feelings now is I try to step away from the situation, in my mind, and tell myself that it doesn't actually matter. I know this is hard to do, and infact I talked about my social struggles just this week. The thing is, I want people to like me. I want to be close to people. The problem is that I can't feel close to people because I have to distance myself, because I think I will mess it up. Then I go into this loop of needing affirmation, but also not asking for it. I'm the problem.

So, firstly I try to be honest with people from the get-go, that I find socialising challenging. This makes it so I don't constantly feel the need to check up on things. Next I tell myself that if I am being genuine and they find it off-putting, then so be it. That's not me. To have an organic close relationship, there must be mutual understanding and natural compatibility, so all the control in the world cannot change that. I want someone to like me, not the quiet shell that I show the world.

So, I try not to control it, not to hold myself accountable, not to intervene if someone distances themselves. I feel alone, all the time actually, but it's not because there aren't people around. Does that make sense? I'm not actually alone, it's just intimacy and true companionship is vulnerability, the nemesis of hypervigilance.

I don't know if that's helpful or if it's anything like what you are going through, but that's how I talk myself through these things.

Yeah I definitely can relate to this. I need affirmation but don't ask for it - and I never have until now. I used to wait until things got really bad and I couldn't take it anymore

I think the part about feeling alone all the time. I do too like I just want someone to understand but then revealing it always seems like too much. I enjoy people distancing themselves, I enjoy people rejecting me it's a terribly lonely way to be. So the people who do care are the one's that stick around or I keep around and I think I'm a pretty good judge of who's genuine and who's not but it's terrifying because then I have something to lose, something to hold on too and I can't let go of the control when I have that I just want the connection so much

I recently started my first job, so this is the first time I've really had to get to know people since school (in my 30's now), for all of my anxiety I can actually get on with people quite well

I've been trying to get to know this one person at work and they are really nice, we chat a lot at work and outside of it for a few months now. But I can never shake the feeling of I'm going to ruin this 'Am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I texting too much etc etc' You get the picture but its constant and exhausting and over every little thing

I've asked for reassurance, been open, tried to be myself and I'm doing that as much as I have ever done with anyone. They have responded kindly to me asking for reassurance but I can't do it all of the time because other people have stuff going on and it annoys people. I ask other friends about but again I can't do that all of the time, my T asked if I could try reassuring myself and I can sometimes but it's so relentless. I don't really know what to do, it's taking up almost all of my mental energy trying to make sure this one person continues to care about me and I'm not taking good care of myself elsewhere. Obviously this mirrors my childhood but I just don't want to do anything else and I am not able to force myself

Does anyone have any advice/stories from their own life that might help me?

No the situation hasn't happened before, I apologized and he did too and it's okay.

I don't have a T at the moment, I'm finding it difficult to find a good one. But yeah in future I could try and be a bit more responsible and not get hungover in the first place

Thanks for your reply

One of my closest friends got annoyed at me because we had plans this week and the previous night I went out at the last minute with another one of my friends - so I was hungover for the next day. He said I 'ruined the night already planned' I think that is exaggerating it, he got annoyed and was saying things that 'i am so easily controlled' and calling me names.

I'm very self protective from the CPTSD and I don't respond to it, really I don't feel much about it at all. I felt angry and upset briefly but for literally 5 seconds. I think I tell myself that I can handle the relationship ending and just become defensive - we've known each other for 20 years so I don't think that's an appropriate response but it is a learnt one.

I know ultimately it'll be fine and we'll talk again soon - is there anything I could do differently in that situation? He gets annoyed easily and has trouble letting things go, I can relate in some ways but I am more anxious and I won't let the worry go. I don't think jealously is involved. The situation is a bit childish but I want to know if I could take into account his feelings more - my people-pleasing is so much stronger with my other friend so i think whilst i am not outwardly dismissing his feelings i am doing it inwardly. And i know my response is not the most appropriate.

Feel free to be as honest as you can be, some of you might be able to relate to my friend more than I can.

As the years have gone by I definitely have experienced more depression as I try not to numb everything. It's frustrating

It sounds like you have a lot going on so it's normal for you to be exhausted by it, I have a lot less happening, and often I struggle to get half a day's work done. You are doing what you can and that's great.

I'm a bit pickier than I used to be, I think I was just happy to go with any T when I have been before and got lucky that I found good ones.

The peace is so sporadic at the moment, all of my unhealthy coping tools I have mainly got rid of so I'm just left with pain, I try to feel it and not run away but then I'm basically not doing anything all week. It's okay for now.

Hi Libby, nice to meet you. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Yeah me too,  I'd be happier if people left. I feel like when that happens my brain relaxes because it's subconsciously expecting it all the time. It's sad because I care a lot but close relationships often feel unmanageable, I'm lucky that my responses don't push people away that much.

I'm not sure, I will see how I feel about it in a couple of days. Good luck with your new counsellor, come back here and let me know how it goes if you want to

I am always ruminating on stuff I could have done better or little imperfections it especially happens after social interaction. I went to a close friends barbeque at the weekend, we've been friends for a long time and I'm in love with her. There are occasions where she'll tell me how much I mean to her, she loves me (but not romantically), I feel like I am never in control of that attention, maybe because of the nature of the relationship but it always feels like it's on her terms? And it annoys me because I can't get attention unless it's given to me, and I won't ask for it because I know I probably won't get it and if I try and don't get that attention then I'll feel so bad about it it's not worth it. Then the next day I'll think 'what if she realised i was annoyed? she must hate me'. It works both ways because if she says that she loves me and I show her the same back I think 'Did I go too far, was I too much?'  Spoiler alert I am very rarely too much because I am so scared about the thought of being it.

It happens all of the time I'll just pick the worse thing I said and obsess over it, she probably doesn't even remember. If I can't think of anything bad I said then it'll be something I thought.

I had my first session with my new T yesterday, it was more information gathering. She suggested i try headspace, i feel like therapy is expensive and my issues are complex so I do think that suggesting headspace isn't great, I want expertise, I don't want somebody to say 'have you tried this app?' I'm not saying it's not useful but I just think therapy should be more than that. If things like that worked for me I wouldn't be in therapy.

There is a book written by an academic discussing it more. I did buy it but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it because it's a difficult book to read and I spent most of my time reading it googling words that I didn't understand before eventually giving up in chapter 3! But I like the concept

I've had an okay day today. Sometimes I need to stop trying to fix everything and just allow myself to be who I am without trying to solve trauma or solve any difficulty I might be having, things may not have changed but at least I don't feel so much pressure and hopeless .

I read about 'cruel optimism'  which is - A relation of cruel optimism exists when something you desire is actually an obstacle to your flourishing.  It's more written about everyday culture like getting ahead at work by doing the 'right' things, it promotes individualism . I think it can apply to trauma too, there is no magic solution, I've done a lot of work already - how much more do i need to do in order to heal and feel able to exist? I think some part of my healing is accepting that there is a possibility that I have to live with this forever. Depending on where you are that might feel pretty hopeless but it actually gives me hope because then I'm not trying so hard and the world feels a little bit lighter. Society in general loves recovery stories and they're great but I think there has to be another option. A lot of people may never recover and whilst 5-10% might flourish in whatever way the 90% still have to get through the day the best they can.

Thank you for your kind words!

I told a friend that I was going to see a T too and he was supportive.

I'm going to try and keep a journal about my recovery. I'm spiraling a bit at the moment and it feels like every day is hard, I've had 2 periods in the last year lasting a few months where I would say I'd have 6 good days for every bad one. It feels like the reverse at the minute and I am not finding much solace in the usual places.

I was going to go running this morning and flipped out when I couldn't find my running gear. It made me think that I need some help and I've booked an appointment with a therapist for a week on Monday. I contacted an old therapist a couple of weeks ago but she has closed her practice, my first therapist I had issues with not because of her but because I wasn't ready to deal with my issues I spoke a lot about relationship problems I was having and not about the deeper trauma I have been through. I had some progress but I felt a sense of wanting her to like me so I would avoid telling her things when they got bad again plus it was 7/8 years ago so I didn't have the understanding I do now.

I really struggle with doing things for myself, so if reading the journal you want to 'nudge' me in the right direction I think that would be helpful. I don't know what it is but I feel like if someone tells me to do something I'll do it but if I have to figure it out myself often every choice I make I end up feeling bad about it.

TW

I think it might be because I used to have a frequent dream when I was younger where there were 2 versions of my abuser (my father) I knew one of them was good and one of them was bad, as I kept having the dream I would desperately try to follow the good one around but whatever happened it didn't work and I would wake up after getting what felt like an electric shock. There were no good choices then, I'm not sure how that translates now but i think it probably does in some way.

Well done on the recent progress! The decision-making worksheet is a great idea.

I want to try and be active in other people's threads but I might say the wrong thing

Whenever I am doing well and have a couple of bad days then the shame starts to creep back in I try to make fun of it. 'Oh what a coincidence, how convenient is it for your narrative that I am the worst' then I exaggerate it to make it seem ridiculous. It makes me laugh sometimes...you have to get your kicks somehow 

Yeah maybe I should just read things when I need them.

Rather than reading them when I'm feeling okay and they trigger me back. E.g. I read the body keeps the score before bed just because that's when I read for fun, even if that didn't cause my bad dream (how could I ever know if it did or not?) I need to have that time where I am not thinking about ways to recover. And like you said if I do decide to read then I can't immediately sleep after I need to watch/read/listen to something that would make me calmer again.