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Please be gentle with yourself Tyr- the anger you're feeling may be misdirected. You were a child and didn't deserve any of the things they did to you, and you certainly didn't have any "duty" to do those things. I relate a bit more than I'd like to admit, wishing you softer days ahead.

Thank you. Luckily I've mostly stopped thinking I deserve it, but I feel all other kinds of murky stuff. Likewise

I get that, and sometimes that blank page can make me feel even more helpless and then angry.

This is so true! It feels so frustrating and agonizing to get nothing down as it just rips you apart inside. And I'm glad you've got the tai chi to help you. I used to get a lot of relief from being physically active, such as running in the woods or dancing really hard, but I've become much too disabled to do any such things.

I'm not hallucinating orbs or anything like that, I'm more hearing *TW* my dead mother's voice telling me she wished I was dead/didn't want me/that I'm going to * when a lot of stuff just.. wasn't my fault. I described it as a ghost when I was in a psychiatric hospital because I didn't know what else to do. They labeled it as schizophrenia but it comes and goes, so I'm thinking it's more likely physical flashbacks. What do you think?

That definitely sounds much more like the nature of PTSD. It sounds like auditory flashbacks. Flashbacks can be on any of the senses (visual, auditory, and tactile being the most common ones) and also emotional and physical. Trauma can put our bodies and minds under so much stress that they jumble the past into the present so convincingly we are almost fooled.

They probably labeled it schizophrenia thinking you believed it was a ghost talking to you, and that you believed said ghost was real. Telling them that was not the case might help them understand better..? I haven't read the entire thread so I'm not completely up to date, but do let me know if you want me to collect a couple sources on the differential diagnostics.

I've got comorbid schizophrenia and C-PTSD, and have spent a lot of time in acute wards. Ask me anything.

The similarities between schizophrenia and C-PTSD are enough that they spent 5 years (!!!) arguing whether my symptoms were due to trauma or due to psychosis. They concluded both in the end.

Personally, I feel like the psychosis is less tangible than the trauma symptoms. While my schizophrenia might tell me the trees have killed me, my C-PTSD will instead tell me that man walking towards me at the store will assault me. I've understood from clinicians that the line is often put there, right at the point of where something becomes bizarre (in this context "bizarre" means "would not at all be possible", like trees killing a human).

If your trauma was a car accident and you hallucinate the noise of a car horns, that's probably PTSD. But if you hallucinate floating orbs in the sky that's more likely a psychotic disorder such as schizophrenia.

Keep in mind I am simply a layman with personal experience who likes to read up on stuff. You can google "dissociation and psychosis differential diagnosis" for a lot of interesting articles. Modern psychology usually places dissociation and psychosis on the same spectrum rather than as two wildly separate things.

Best of luck, and hang in there

Thank you 

I have been unbeliavably angry myself. And probably every other negative emotion under the sun...

@

Can I send a virtual hug your way? Or maybe just a "hi" ?

Yes, a virtual hug would be great. Thanks.

I also am often conflicted on whether it's good to not recall all the horrible things or if it's bad to be left uncertain. I'm trying my best to not ask too many what if's.

Thank you. Some of the people who must have known to at least some extent were questioned by the police after I reported the abuse. I've read all the transcripts, and they all acted like they were shocked and in pain by learning about it all, all the while listing dozens of signs of sexual abuse and ways it was spoken about. Child services were also always somewhat involved, but they just kept telling me they couldn't move me because "your mom will get sick without you!" (my mother is bipolar and so much was excused because of it).

Either with full or partial memory, the sorts of abuse you bring up aren't really worthy of words, just anger I guess (even anger doesn't fully say it right -- nothing) can.

[...]

I hope you can begin to level out as well, Tyr.

You're absolutely right, there are no words. In the past months I've found myself opening text documents or my sketchbook over and over and over trying to write or draw something to express myself, and I just can't get anything down. I can't express how I feel, how the other parts feel, how broken and fragile my inner child is.

TW for something similar to religious abuse below, be prepared.

I'm sorry you had a similar experience with regards to the 'spiritual' excuse for it. "Duty" is a horrible thing to call it. By me they called it "helping" or "healing", as my mother said I was gifted with healing powers and could cure people's pains and ailments by touching them. "Can you touch [name] to help him tonight?" was a classic that scared the living * out of me every time it was said. She also said my little sister could see people's auras and ghosts. My little sister doesn't remember any sexual abuse. She asked me once if I thought it might've happened to her, but it was never brought up again. Today she's become almost as manipulative of a person as out mother.

End TW.

I'm sort of in limbo, the memories are mostly in the back of my mind, just silently lurking, but they still come forward quite easily and frequently. It sort of goes in phases of how much I think of it all. I am starting prolonged exposure therapy soon, so hopefully that will put some of the pieces of me and my mind back together. I'm glad you've come so far in your journey.

Thank you.

Even though I remember more rapes than I can count (partially because all the memories are scattered and jumbled), what hurts the most is the looming sensation of not knowing how many times it actually happened and how many abusers there actually were.

My mother had a spiritual cover for what she was doing, which allowed her to talk about it with relatives and social workers without anyone batting an eye (thinking back they should definitely have batted an eye). She's like the main abuser, the root of it all, sort of. She's a pedophile and she was in touch with others like her and sold me out to them, so while I don't like using those words just yet I was all in all raised in a pedophilia ring.

I have a very fragmented self. The official diagnosis of that is "mixed dissociative disorder" as I have other dissociative stuff going on besides alters, but I do definitely have alters. Many of them are little children who work as trauma holders. I can often hear them crying in my head. Sometimes they come out when I've gone to bed so they can hug my plushie or my partner's arm. Mostly I don't completely switch, though. It's more like alters come and go in the front seats next to me.

Although I try to care for the little ones and hug them in the headspace or urge other and older alters to do so in there, I find it very hard, because it makes me feel their (mine?) pain, and it hurts too much and I don't know what to do about it.

I have been in therapy since shortly after I got out of the "main" trauma situation. That's 8 years ago, now. But I've never actually had directed and structured trauma therapy, just various assessments and casual talks of everyday things and then, after that clearly hadn't worked, all the efforts went into keeping me stable from the psychosis I had ended up developing. After that got stabilised my physical health started degrading progressively, and now I'm using a wheelchair to get about.

So uh yeah... My life after age 4 can be sorted into "living with mother", "traumatised teen", "psychotic teen", and now "disabled wreck of a young adult". Some of the doctors even think that my physical disability is a direct result of the trauma.

My official diagnoses are fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, paranoid schizophrenia, complex PTSD, mixed dissociative disorder, autism, ADHD, and unspecified tics. The physical things are still being evaluated more, and guess what! On May 31st I start my first session of imaginary exposure for my prolonged exposure therapy for the trauma. I'm nervous as all *.

Hope to find this forum helpful.