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I have lived in a 12 unit seniors apt. for almost 9 years. I've always been friendly but tend to keep to myself. Unlike me, the people here were born, went to the school across the street, married, had kids, sold their homes and now live here. On my floor, one returned from therapy. I showed her a comment someone had posted at the store she had worked,"the kindest old bird, she's sweeter than jam" my friend asked what the website was so she could print it out. She also said the couple on our floor had a dinner to welcome her back. I wasn't invited. I am utterly devastated and can't come to terms with this and can no longer stay here. Everything was fine until now. I love my apt. but again, it seems, I don't belong anywhere. At 68, I'm near the end of my tether. I just needed to vent!

I first heard this song in 1994 and wasn't yet aware of what happened to me. When I'm having a really bad day, when the burden becomes overwhelming, I put this song on and use my hands to draw into her voice. I feel the tears start and embrace myself in her words, I dance as lightness enters me. It's the place that I go..

On YouTube, type in 'I Go There Laura Smith' listen to it again and may you too..take comfort there.

She passed in 2020 in Mahone Bay, Nova Scotia, just before her, As Long As I'm Dreaming was completed, this song is one of 18 and includes her poems and drawings. She will be missed.

Last post on this topic.
~The psychiatrist called me at 9pm and said he will find a therapist who works with those with C-ptsd. And it will be covered by Ontario Health. That he has taken the time to call me, my esteem for him has gone way up. He did HEAR me. So, speak up, say what is on your mind and keep looking for someone who can help.

~I have stood up to the medical professionals. This is what I sent them. It was very liberating..

I have spent a night crying. The ECT terrifies me and today I posted about my fear of ECT on the Out of the Storm.org. A 9,000 member group of men and women, started by a Canadian in 2014 to address Complex-ptsd. Those who replied told me to find a therapist who has knowledge of Cptsd. Of which, Dr Shah does not recognize. I fear that old memories will surface and I know I will suffer greatly if that happens. I am going to find a therapist with not only knowledge of cptsd but sees it as a discreet mental condition in its own right. I don't belong in boxes and given labels that don't apply to me. I'm not depressed, just disappointed.
I will not be attending the meeting on Monday. I know ECT isn't for me.

~it was your responses that helped me find my voice. Hugs to you all.

My psychiatrist denies my cptsd. Thinks I am simply depressed. Now wants me to undergo electro convulsive therapy and it terrifys me. It should Not be given to those with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks as it can make them worse. How can I get him to SEE me as a broken child, denied her very existence and treated with contempt and ridicule and how it has changed who I was meant to be, Not this fractured, avoiding conflict and family because I don't belong, I exist at the edge of society, have always yearned to be a part of life, not cut off from it. I'm not depressed, I am however a daughter of a narcissist with all the mistreatment she did to me. I have no capacity for most emotions as they were frowned upon so I learned to be silent. But I had to put this out there to see if anyone else has had problems getting the treatment they need. Thank you.

Life is tough when you can't make decisions. I woke up crying, came here and saw the replies. Through the tears, I want to thank those who replied for your advice, kindness and understanding. Validation is worth more than gold. At 68, you'd think I'd have a handle on my life but no, I'm still stuck in the past. Kizzie, I will look into the resources.

My psychiatrist denies my cptsd. Thinks I am simply depressed. Now wants me to undergo electro convulsive therapy and it terrifys me. It should Not be given to those with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, panic attacks as it can make them worse. How can I get him to SEE me as a broken child, denied her very existence and treated with contempt and ridicule and how it has changed who I was meant to be, Not this fractured, avoiding conflict and family because I don't belong, I exist at the edge of society, have always yearned to be a part of life, not cut off from it. I'm not depressed, I am however a daughter of a narcissist with all the mistreatment she did to me. I have no capacity for most emotions as they were frowned upon so I learned to be silent. But I had to put this out there to see if anyone else has had problems getting the treatment they need. Thank you.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD covers every aspect of trauma. It isn't a 'self-help' book but draws on his years of listening to trauma survivors. He explains the complex relationship our mind has on trauma, how it changes those parts of our brain that holds memory, emotions, our sense of self and how we react and interact with those around us. His words, "It takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror, and the shame of utter weakness and vulnerability" felt like a warm welcome of validation. His hour long lectures can be found on YouTube.

Where to begin? I've long known I was different than other people, I didn't 'get' the casual relationship between friends. Always on the inside looking out. I just didn't fit in. A chance remark by my sister, "you know mom is a narcissist?" began my journey into darkness. I'm 67 and have only known about narcs since 2018.
Imagine my surprise when I found I wasn't alone in my grief, suffering and despair. Yes, they are out to get you. To mould you into what they want you to be. To take over your emotions and thoughts. I am not who I was suppose to be, instead I'm a product of manipulation that is now in control of my life. As my profile says, I truly wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know three years ago. Thank you Bob Seger! Music has been part of my life since seeing the Beatles in '63. I'd like to share a song that I first heard in '83, something about it resonated within me. I now understand why. Here goes..
How can you stand the silence,
That pervades when we all cry?
How can you watch the violence,
That erupts before your eyes?
How can you tell us something,
Just to keep us hangin' on?
Something that just don't mean nothing,
When we see it, you are gone.
Clinging to some other rainbow,
While we're standing, waiting in the cold,
Telling us the same old story,
Knowing time is growing old..
That was a wonderful remark
I had my eyes closed in the dark
I signed a million sighs
I told a million lies, to myself, to myself.
How can we listen to you, when we know your talk is cheap?
How can we ever question,when we give more and you keep?
How can your empty laughter, fill a room like ours with joy?
When you're only playing with us like a child does with a toy?
How can we ever feel the freedom, or the flame lit by the spark?
How can we ever come out even, when reality is stark?"
    ~Wonderful Remark~ Van Morrison~

Nuff said..for now.

FlushDraw,
This is my first response here. I'm 68 and feel exactly like you. You have years ahead of you girl! This place may just be your turning point. Me? I'm going to try a drug that is being used for CPTSD. I need a little peace in my mind.

My name is my defiance against the ones given to me. My granny said I wasn't named for 12 days, it was a singer my non mom heard and tacked her own name on but I don't use it. I really ticked her off by naming my daughter after my sister and taking back my step-father's name after my divorce. The 'O' is a nod to him.