Messages

Thank you all for the acceptance even though I don't have an official diagnosis, I appreciate it.

@BeeKeeper, I'm not so sure about inner resources. I simply persevere. I can't trust anyone else to keep a roof over my head, the electricity on, feed me or my animals etc. (and yes, I include my partner in that statement). I might feel like I'm a broken mess inside but I have a well-developed mask and can act like a functioning person so everyone assumes that I am

@Armadillo, I have a lot of unresolved, conflicting emotions regarding my mother. She was my closest friend and my worst betrayer. I know she had her own trauma but that doesn't lessen the betrayal. It is like salt in the wound that she pursued my sister's less extreme trauma right through the court system.

I'm already surprised at the insights I'm finding out about myself and my reactions from the resources here at OOTS. I think I may need to slow down on my reading or I'll suffer from emotional overwhelm. I'm glad I found the 1, 2, 3 thread too, I'm finding it very helpful to maintain mindfulness.

[Appreciation:]

Appreciation: I appreciate my ability to persevere. I appreciate the humour that my partner brings to my life.

Emotion: Was slightly positive earlier today but have been trending towards irritable since this afternoon.

Accomplishment: I potentially exposed that I have trauma to people who don't know by posting a birthday fundraiser for a non-profit that deals specifically with complex trauma. I've already met the small fundraising goal I set.

[Appreciation:]

Appreciation: I mentioned that I wasn't having a good day to someone and they offered support. I usually don't believe people but I actually think this person might be genuine.

Emotion: Emotions have been a bit separate from me today, possibly due to doing my intro post in the forum. I'm practicing acceptance of whatever it is that I'm unknowingly feeling so will have a cuppa then do something I usually enjoy and just see how I go.

Accomplishment: I finally did the preparations so that my partner could henna my hair for me. I'd procrastinated on it for a few months so it is definitely an accomplishment. It may also help with giving me clarity on my mood by seeing my bright hair again.

[..."]

I've really enjoyed reading how people came up with their names. My name was inspired by the book 'The Wise Man's Fear' by Patrick Rothfuss. The words in this excerpt really resonate with me every time I read them.

..."There are two types of secrets. There are secrets of the mouth and secrets of the heart.

Most secrets are secrets of the mouth. Gossip shared and small scandals whispered. These secrets long to be let loose upon the world. A secret of the mouth is like a stone in your boot. At first you're barely aware of it. Then it grows irritating, then intolerable. Secrets of the mouth grow larger the longer you keep them, swelling until they press against your lips. They fight to be set free.

Secrets of the heart are different. They are private and painful, and we want nothing more than to hide them from the world. They do not swell and press against the mouth. They live in the heart, and the longer they are kept, the heavier they become.

It is better to have a mouthful of poison than a secret of the heart. Any fool will spit out poison, but we hoard these painful treasures. We swallow hard against them every day, forcing them deep inside us. There they sit, growing heavier, festering. Given enough time, they cannot help but crush the heart that holds them."...

I'm not sure what to write in this intro 
I'm fairly certain that I suffer C-PTSD but have no diagnosis and am able to pull of being a seemingly well-functioning member of society.

My story:

•   Drug addicted and alcoholic mother & step-father
•   Emotionally abused by mother & step-father – yet mother considered best-friend.
•   Sexually abused by step-father from the ages of 5-15
•   Grandparents on mother's side died when I was under 6, moved away from remaining grandparent and family but visited often due to moving back. Moved away at 8 then rarely saw after that. Was close to them.
•   Abandoned by bio-father – last memory is saying 'go back to your mother' when trying to sit with him at my grandfather's funeral
•   Moved around constantly – always the 'new kid' and never building solid friendships (went to 35+ schools and returned to some of them multiple times)
•   High achiever at school – sense of achievement and approval from respectable authority figures
•   Lived in poverty – parents on government benefits or only working enough to not lose health benefits
•   Frequently lived in squalor – due to drug & alcohol addictions
•   Mother suffered significant complications during pregnancies of my siblings – died multiple times, required multiple surgeries and hospital stays. Resulting in my trypanophobia
•   Significantly older than siblings – expected to take on responsibility at a young age
•   Disclosed sexual abuse at 15. Step-father admitted to it but mother chose not to believe.
•   Moved to other end of state and lived with extended family for 2 years
•   Returned to live with mother, step-father & siblings due to ill-health of mother at 18. No further sexual abuse.
•   Gained employment, partied steadily, moved in with partner, moved to another city.
•   Suffered financially due to partner's inability to hold down steady work and our excessive drinking/partying.
•   Suffered mentally due to being the financial manager in the relationship (and failing at it).
•   Filed for Bankruptcy. Moved interstate to start fresh.
•   Maintained full-time employment however would spiral and self-sabotage by changing jobs every 2 years. Partner's work remained inconsistent causing continued financial distress.
•   Mother died when I was 27 after many years of health issues.
•   Suffered emotional breakdown due to grief and financial/housing stress. Attended first and only therapy sessions.
•   Stable employment and housing in recent years resulted in financial growth, ability to enjoy life a little, and reduced anxiety. Has also given space to allow introspection and personal understanding of likely C-PTSD

A couple of recent developments that have thrown me for a bit of a loop:

• Severed close relationship with sister due to her inaction on possible grooming of niece. She considers my report to authorities after her inaction a betrayal, I consider her lack of action unconscionable and unforgiveable.
  
• Partner unemployment and recent upheaval at own work - slight possibility of losing own stable employment but very high chance of gaining higher level role – causing significant mental distress

So that's my life story in a nutshell  Understandably, I have issues.

I compartmentalised the sexual abuse due to the need to separate it from usual daily life. I am very good at putting on my 'mask' of normalcy. I find it difficult to form friendships of any depth due to trust issues, social anxiety and the feeling of needing to use a persona to interact. I frequently feel like I lose touch with possible friends because I don't want to impose myself/my friendship on their time. I either talk too much and offer TMI or leave awkward silences. I have terrible self-worth and a vicious inner critic. I stress eat and that has picked up again lately with recent developments. I also joke that my 'emotion button' is broken because I either feel flat and separated from them or feel completely overwhelmed by them. I recall that years ago someone described me as "aloof"– I didn't know what it meant at the time but it makes sense. I become obsessive about projects and then lose all motivation. Knowing myself, it's likely I could become very involved in this community and then completely disappear  Hopefully that doesn't happen though.

No doubt I could use some more therapy sessions but I'll need to wait until my employment situation is sorted. In the meantime, I'm glad I found OOTS. I'm sure that between the community and resources available I'll be able to learn more about C-PTSD and methods to keep my head above water