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Hi smindia1981, I wish I could tell you something to help, but I BBC any except to say you're not alone.  The work I'm doing has been helping my progress in healing, but it's escalated my anxiety to the point where I'm eating like 5,000 calories a day.  You're not alone!

@dante
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply back.
What you said does make sense.
Sorry to hear how much food has impacted your life as well.
I am trying to be kind and patient with myself.  I feel that helps me in navigating through troublesome emotions.
It has to do with impulse control as well.
I guess slow and steady!🤷‍♀️
Thanks again for reverting back
Wish you more healing and peace.

Hello everyone
   I had been having a good run, until a few days back when I binged. I feel out of control those times. Due to my profession,  I feel a lot of pressure to get in shape. I am almost in shape but I still have some belly fat to go and its so difficult.  I waa doing well,  eating well.  Exercising properly without over training. And then suddenly I binged
A few cookies. A few spoons of Nutella. Little bit here. A little bit there. I feel miserable.  I feel shame. Guilt. As if I am stealing my family's better future away
Since we are facing considerable financial uncertainty , its crucial that I can get paid more if I lose the fat
I am working hard.
I wish I could seek therapy
I do intend to when I have more financial security.
I don't want my children to be like me.
My family is all I have and its killing to think that my eating issues are cheating my kids of a brighter future.
Any suggestions regarding binge eating.
I notice I over work and then lose track of time to eat properly and then go eat crap.
I also find myself delaying my breakfast to avoid eating. I did try intermittent fasting but it didn't benefit me. I also read somewhere that it's not good for people who have food related issues.
Any help is welcome and appreciated.
Anyone with any tips about managing binge eating?
☹😓

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story and being a part of the community here.  I continue to learn how everything is connected.  I am find that as I heal and grow, things like relaxing become a bit easier.  Not always, but I think it is a general trend toward experiencing the world in a different way.

Your comments about trust resonate with me.  I struggle with trust, especially of myself.  I am still at a point where I am exploring and learning to trust myself, love myself, care for myself.

@rainydiary, it makes me feel not so alone when I read about your struggles. You put it well when you said experience the world in a different way.
Like you I am struggling but getting better at trusting, loving and taking care of myself.
Just today was day of exploration and discovery as I was thinking about how much damage my parents did to me.
But I also feel, that I owe it to myself to heal.
Thank you for sharing and reading and replying back.
It helps me get better a little bit each time.
🙏

smindia, I appreciate you sharing your story.  I feel a lot of guilt and shame about sleep and rest as well. 

Growing up, I got mixed signals about sleeping and rest.  On the one hand, my parents always prioritized sleeping.  But leisure and relaxing time were punished.  Sleeping isn't the only important type of rest.

I notice that when I start to feel relaxed, I often experience a great deal of anxiety.  I often catch myself holding my body so rigid.  I think the work I've been doing is noticing what helps my body feel relaxed.

I'm still navigating this.  I often wake up very early feeling anxious even if I slept well.  It is a huge process.

@rainydiary, thank you for your kindness.
I also feel a lot of anxiety and stress when it comes to rest and sleep. And it gets worse when I get good sleep. As if I want to punish myself for taking rest.
I have also found myself being angry, resentful and bitter when I need rest or sleep or even other forms of self care.
It is a huge process.
Growing up now in hindsight,  me and my siblings just got the worst combination possible it seems.
An alcoholic and addicted father who was cruel, narcissistic and abusive physically and emotionally.
A mother who was a narcissistic and probably bipolar who went to great lengths to destroy feminity of her daughters and emasculated her son. She rejoiced in constantly lamenting her fate for having such kids.
Somewhere my desire to be perfect stems from this. Inability to trust that drives me to isolation.
But I am glad I found this place.
Because I feel, I have trust issues and one and one therapy might be difficult for me , even if I could afford it.
But in a public forum where I can listen to more people who share similar or even different trauma, helps me manage mine better.
Thank you for reading and reverting back.

It sounds so difficult to not get rest, especially with a baby. The question that came to my mind is "Where did you get the message that it is bad for you to sleep/rest?" Could this be a form of self-harm for you? A complex issue with no easy answers.

@notalone,  thank you for your empathy.
Good question that you asked. And yes, upon lots of self reflection I do agree that it might be a form of self harm.
Because self care was completely ignored growing up. Any attempt at protecting self esteem too was eroded and destroyed.
Like as if until and unless I am working myself to death, I am just worthless and unworthy of love.
Thank you for taking time to read and reply back.
I am glad to have found this community.
 

Hello everyone
Looking for some insight here.
Ever since realising I have CPTSD,  some other physical issues have become more prominent.
I always have been eager to get up early. It's not just society or social media pressure alone, though it may have a hand in it. It's as if, for some reason I don't wake up atleast an hour or two before everyone else in the house, I am a failure.  As if my whole day is going to like crap. That whatever I do then is worthless as I started the day wrong and there is no coming back from it.
It didn't matter, whether I slept well,  if I was sick, or whether there was screaming and shouting and the accompanying beating going on to keep me and my siblings awake and afraid till late at night.
Also I don't allow myself rest. Like if I have work to do or chores to do, it's as if I pile up even more on my plate. I feel immense amount of guilt and shame when it comes to resting,  sleeping and taking care of myself.
I set an alarm for 4 or 5 am knowing well enough I have a small baby who doesn't sleep through the night and my body aches and I have such a terrible headache and yet I will trybto wake up
God forbid, if I am unable to, then I am so piley and cranky and angry that everyone around wants to just stay far away.
I am trying to change but it's hard. I have and want to do a lot, but I understand now that without adequate rest, nothing works out.
If anyone has any idea or thoughts or understanding about the why behind this behaviour,  please do share.
I feel when I hear from other people and their experiences and their reasoning,  it helps me understand my shortcomings and how to deal with them better.
Thanking in advance to everyone who stopped to read this and anyone who replied.
🙏

I have lost 50 pounds off my stomach this year so far, as well as added a few inches on to my arms.

The reason I wrote this is to show the results that came to me from following my method. Everyone is unique, so I expect my method will not work in every situation. I'm sure the results will vary, if nothing else.

However the key point is how I developed my method. I'm no dietitian or trainer or chef or anything official. I just paid very close attention to what my mind and body was telling me, then studied to find a way to act on what I was told.

I fully believe this is the key anyone can use to make the changes they want in their own life.

I agree, that listening to your body and then eating will slowly help us reach our physical goals. I have done everything else and it doesn't amount to anything.  It didn't help me get to a place where I was happy.
My binging didn't stop.
The more I listen to my body, allow it to make some mistakes, eat some stuff that it craves to manage some difficult feelings, and overall being aware and being kind, I believe will help me in the long run.

@jazzy,  indeed I do feel I am at a better point.  Thank you for acknowledgement and appreciation.  Means a lot.
I am very happy for you. That you were able to lose the weight by focusing on mental health first. I now feel that is the right way forward.
Instead of constantly trying to control and manage cravings it's better to eat what you want and then slowly allow your body and mind to figure out what you really need.
Thank you again for your kind words and support.
🙂🙏

@jazzy, thank you for posting such an in depth response
I noticed that everytimw you or anyone else here would write anything appreciative about me my inner critic would jump to the conclusion of 'only if they knew'. And similar stuff. Difficult to accept appreciation and very eager to find faults and constant self critical behaviour on my part probably only leads to.more anger.
I am yet to find am appropriate way to channel my anger. When I am raging there is a constant chatter in my head which is such a horrible and negative and demeaning voice that I feel overwhelmed with fear of abandonment and that onky fuels the anger. I kind of understand that I fear that I will be treated the same way again and it is so scary that I end up just raging.
There is no logic for how and why I feel that way.
Reading your post I do feel that you had a truly miserable time. And that suffering has so much to do with the rage that you struggle with. I am glad to know that you are getting to a place where you are managing the anger better.
I agree with youbthat small steps, and allowing the anger to subside patiently is a viable solution perhaps.
I read 'the body keeps the score' and there the author writes that people who face abuse and trauma in childhood do have a latent rage that they have no control over.
That resonated with me a lot. Going NC with my mother brought out a lot to the forefront  as I had to face so much that had been lying dormant.
My discovery of my abuse also started with me becoming a mother first when I had my daughter and then when I had my son, her behaviour just escalated.
Then many memories came back of both her and my father being just obnoxious,  abusive and so cruel.
As I am writing I realise I am holding my breath.
It will take time and patience and a  lot of confronting of my self beliefs.
Thank you for reading and replying back with
In detail.
Much appreciated
🙏

@jazzy, thank you for your detailed response. I appreciate it.
No errors in your post though, if there were I couldn't find.
I am doing a but.of.wjat you have written.  I eat what I am craving and then.its better. When judgement is replaced with acceptance,  it seems to.be fine
I feel.this could be a good thing for.me
I started telling myself  'It's okay to be hungry.'
'You can eat whatever you want.'
And I do eat.
It feels better. I do.feel.afraid that I will gain weight but I can live with that better maybe.
I have been a hypocrite all.my life, always preaching self love and acceptance to my clients but never considered myself be worthy of it.
I feel good when I write, I am working on doing more of it. I like to run, but I tend to overdo it so as of now, I have taken a break from.it.  yoga feels better whenever I can, no pressure as I again tend to overwhelm myself and then just stop doing it.
I agree with you that feeling hungry and then trying to.control.it is not.a good place to be.
Thank you again for your kind words of encouragement and support. 🙏

@jazzy,
Interesting point about cravings. I generally go for sweet stuff. Like cookies or dates or chocolate if there, or similar things.
Occasionally I will eat chips or anything but that is not that common.
I was hungry today and lunch got delayed, so I ate dates and a couple of cookies.  The problem could also be in how I view things.  I don't think I should be eating any junk at all, and I should be more like the trainers you see online. I don't look like that. I don't eat like that.
I have done all that but haven't been happy with my body still.
Right now I am at a good weight,  I am.not overweight but postpartum gut , well let's say as much as I love my kids, am not so in love with my body.
Currently working on self acceptance. Working put and running would just drive my hunger even more. I kept over training but never paid attention to my disordered eating patterns as I manage to look physically in shape.
But I just don't want to do this anymore.
I want to first focus on why I eat and what and then on other stuff. Inside out.
Strange how you can make out what you are craving for. I just go and eat something sweet to ease the anxiety. At times I am hungry, which makes me angry as if I should not be hungry,  which in turn drives me to eat sugary stuff, and then it just keeps going.
Exercise is good but because I end up over training all the time, I have decided to take a break and focus on food and emotions.
Practising yoga helps.
I will try to your approach about finding out what do I actually want to eat
Thank you for such detailed and insightful replies.
Helps a lot.
🙏👏

@goblinchild,  I face something similar. I have uncontrollable rage and my parents just won't listen and continue to not listen. I really don't know how to deal with my anger, except to go silent so I don't hurt anyone around me. I am also guilty of not understanding the feelings of someone I love very deeply. I had to really look into the pain I felt when we would fight and then realise how I had been toxic. I am making changes and I am grateful that they didn't give up on me. But I also have people in my life(NC and LC), that just don't get it and I at times am just pacing around raging,  unable to manage or understand. Crying helps many times, but I don't know if it will in your case. You sound like someone who is so patient despite whatever you have been through. Willing to give people chances, I really appreciate people like this. Thank you for sharing. Hoping and praying you find a way.
@cactusflower, I do feel your suggestion is a good one. Writing out does help in getting clarity when rage clouds up everything. I think I am going to try it whenever next I start foaming at the mouth. Thank you for your input. 
@notalone, I have tried to work with people.like that and they don't listen. No matter what. I was frustrated and hurt and was being constantly betrayed by their behaviour. They just don't get it. They don't want to look into their mistakes or rather sins. I just went NC with Some and LC with others.  I understand your frustration to some extent I feel.
@renaissance, I have done and am doing the same. Justify the behaviour that made me angry, being silent for the fear of overreacting,  not wanting to rock the boat, avoiding confrontation, and the list goes on and on. I start raging and I can't even think clearly. I do believe that in my case, my own catastrophic thinking, and just dealing with a very cruel and harsh inner critic,  self loathing,  might be causing the rage and not so much as the behaviour of people around me. Sure my family can be annoying at times, but so am I,  but I feel I overreact too much, and take offence where none is intended, and start reading people and looking into patterns,  where none exist. Listening to myself has been hard as the anger just doesn't subside at times, but it helps. I am able to to some extent reduce the horrible thoughts, and manage the anger.
Thank you for posting the reply. Well written
@jazzy, I had a question.  What do you do when you get angry? I mean will being silent be considered a toxic behaviour? But I am.not angry for the right reasons,  and it is more of transference anger, and I just don't want to explode at that point. So what do I do?
And thank you all for sharing.  I really appreciate it.
🙏

@jazzy, thank you, a big hug back to you.
I have slowly realised over the past year or two, almost the same amount of time I went NC with my mother, that I have excessive anxiety which I try to control and manage. With food, with perfectionist attitude with procrastination.  I even constantly hold my breath.
I have always been someone who would over train, over diet , not rest.
I also understand now that so many toxic behaviour patterns I had and still have, as coping mechanisms to manage fear, rage, anxiety and shame.
For now, I feel food is what I am using to deal with a lot of stuff and I am trying to accept it.
I do feel a lot of things in my head didn't go as supposed to because of what I was put through.
I am trying to change. 
My hunger also might be misplaced I feel.
Like I don't know if I am actually hungry or eating because I am.anxious or what.
Having people to talk to here has been a godsend. It took me a long time to decide to write.
I still feel fear.
Fear of being abused verbally, physically and just being told how unworthy I am.
Constantly the feeling of being unworthy just keeps on and on in my head.
I was writing a bit in a journal but I stopped. I don't know why.
I have a fear of someone reading it and then humiliating me, even though there is no way it can  happen now. My husband is super supportive,  and he won't even think of it.
But it was done so many times as a child that I am afraid,  illogical I  know.
But I agree, it's helpful.
Thank you for reading through and reverting back .
Every message back helps me move a bit closer to the light.
🙏

@kizzie thank you. Yes, I agree with jazzy and you. Managing emotions will lead to a better relationship with food. Slowly I do believe I might be able to do that.
Talking here had been so therapeutic.  Because I want to become a better parent. And yes, helping myself will ensure my kids have a better parent.
T

@kizzie, I agree the understanding of behaviour to some extent helps a bit
But hard to put into practice what the rational brain already knows. No point dieting, over exercising and all that. I stopped working putand dieting. I eat pretty clean, but not what I am supposed to eat as a trainer. I am afraid that like my father I may develop an addiction to alcohol or narcotics or cigarettes if I don't deal with this.  I haven't ever smoked, drank only on a few occasions in my life. But with this kind of behaviour,  one never knows. I realise, feeling hungry makes me angry, as if I am.not supposed to be hungry. And then I go and binge, not too much but enough to make me feel guilty and sabotage my process of healing. I was doing fine, but then suddenly I slipped. I feel guilt and shame as my kids are depending on me. I feel I am constantly letting them down. Sometimes I wish, there was something I could do to put my head right and forget about everything.  My rage is hard to manage. I just go silent because I don't want to hurt the people I love, but uts hard. I saw the Jp sears video on shame
I will work on that. In the absence of therapy due to financial constraints,  this site has become a useful tool and a dependable ally, who listens and accepts,  without asking questions.  So thanks a lot. Every reply, means that neither am I alone, nor am I stupid. Thank you

@jazzy, thank you for getting back.
I wish I could say I have a good attitude more often than not.
But yes, I am better most days than before.
Last few weeks have been trouble with food.
In Pete Walker's book, he advises not to get into dieting or anything similar until and unless it's a matter of life and death.
It's not in my case. I haven't been anorexic, neither have I been obese.
Just a warped relationship with sweets.
There seems to a constant watching that I do of how much am I eating. Lack of impulse control is also a contributing factor.
Sorry if it's too much.  Don't have anywhere else to vent or rant.
Thanks for reading.
🙏