Messages

Thanks for posting this, Dante! I likely have an issue with cannabis myself and am honestly too afraid to stop smoking. I've spent most of my life telling myself that it was my way of avoiding alcohol and other drug use, but that's really just trying to justify it. While I am not ready to give it up yet, I hope to reassess it someday. I'm going to give this a read to see if it can give me further perspective.
Hoping you are coping as well as you can with your addiction as well, if you are still struggling with it. As always, you are not alone.

Thanks, Papa Coco! I'm already in awe of how much resonates with me on the forum and am so glad to be in good company for the first time in my life.

I completely understand how you feel, too - I have a wonderful boyfriend of 13 years and a few really great friends, but they can't quite understand the turmoil in my head sometimes (understandably).

Thanks again for commiserating and for just being here 

Hi, my name is Jackie and I'm 33. I'm what you would call an "adult child of an alcoholic" (ACoA) and I'm struggling badly with CPTSD in my adult life, although on the surface my life looks quite happy and functional. I cannot help but blame myself for the despair and loneliness I feel despite my successes. A familiar refrain in my head is, "why can't you just be happy and let go of the past?"

I spent most of my life trying to intellectualize and compartmentalize my problems and reached my latest breaking point last year; during the pandemic I resorted to workaholic behaviors (to try and distract myself from, well, me) and got scarily close to a full nervous breakdown. I finally found a trauma therapist and have started my healing journey. I'm in this for the long haul and feel as though it would be best to talk to other people with similar experiences. I am currently struggling most with a lack of self worth and communicating my boundaries to others.

Regarding my traumatic experiences, my mother is a textbook narcissist who took out her rage on everyone around her, sober or drunk/high. I believe myself to be fortunate that she never put her hands on me, however, she took care to always remind me that I was the biggest mistake of her life and that everything was my fault. She used to taunt me and say that I could call my biological father (who ran out on us when I was 2) to take me if I ever tried to complain or emote, laughing that he didn't want me either. We got evicted so often I can't remember how many schools I've been in. She ran away a lot a lot too, leaving my stepfather to take me from bar to bar to try and find her. When we would find her, she would sometimes leave me alone with strange men a lot and I wonder at times if I was SA'd, but then I try not to think of that too much. Same as most ACoAs, I also took on a parental role and believed myself to be responsible for her health, safety, and well-being. This tore me apart as a little kid because I just worried about her constantly.

There's more, but honestly I don't want to subject anyone to a full novel. For anyone who did read through all of that, thank you so much. I'm really glad to be here and hope everyone out there is holding up as well as they possibly can.