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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will definitely take a look at Pete Walker's website; hopefully that will help shed some light on what it is that I'm feeling.

I'm so grateful to have found this site where I can write how I'm feeling and feel that nobody is judging me for it. I've not felt like I've had the opportunity to do this for a really long time, if ever.

I'm trying to break how I'm feeling down into more manageable parts; for example recently I've been working on having the door open to the room that I'm in. I have been trying to keep it open whilst I'm watching a film, for example, knowing that when it's over I can go and shut it again to feel secure. I'm not sure how much it is actually working though, I tend to just spend the whole time focusing on the door being open and so forget what I'm watching.

I've got my first appointment with my GP later this month to try and get the ball rolling on talking to somebody professional about this but I'm anxious about that too. What if it just makes it worse? What if I can't communicate it to them properly? What if they judge me for being weak? What if I say something wrong?

Is there a right or wrong way to introduce something like this to your GP? I worry that I'm not going to be taken seriously.

Thank you so much again for your kind words. 

Hi,

Thank you so much for your response and your positivity. I don't know what an EF is but I think that there's definitely an element there of trying to control my emotions through my actions.

I feel the same regarding living up to what people expect from me. I try and remind myself that I'm projecting my own expectations onto them, and it's me that is disappointed in who I am, not them, but it's hard to remember this. I feel like I'm not good enough. For myself, or others.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling similar things but thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences with me. You mention that you're fighting the feelings of discomfort with people looking at you. Do you mind me asking how you're trying to do that because I think that's one of my biggest causes of anxiety at the moment.

Thank you so much for replying

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to be, but I'm not coping well at the moment and I can't say these words out-loud to anyone.

After a 2 year, highly abusive relationship when I was 18, I escaped and never told anyone about it. 10 years later, I opened up to my partner, the first person I've ever told, and it's opened up a world of anxiety for me. Initially, it was nightmares and fear but I told my partner about that and whilst he couldn't help, he was supportive and there for me.

Now, it's getting worse. I feel anxious every day; I don't understand how my partner will ever stay with me given what happened to me, I'm so ashamed. I'm scared of walking down the street alone in the dark, I hate being on my own at any time. I've started scratching my arm until I break the skin, whenever I do it I feel so ashamed but as soon as it starts to heal I want to do it again until it's bleeding again. I'm scared of being watched doing anything, or doing nothing and I hate being in a room with the door open. Even though my partner is supportive, I'm so lonely all the time and I just want to curl up and cry. I have nightmares every night and it's always memories of things that have happened. I want to be able to sleep without them again.

Any advice that could help me would be so much appreciated. I don't really know where to go with this and I'm struggling to see how things can be OK again.

Thanks