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As a child I adored the way it looks when growing, and the way it smells when growing. But the taste is too mild. Or maybe it's one more thing to remind me that I need to be gentle with myself, and to welcome the gentle taste of chamomile...



Hello, I'm Chamomile. Currently sort of having a panic attack.

I wonder if I'm a textbook case of dissociation. I realized that I spent the last 28 years dissociating nearly nonstop, which is why the only thing I really have to show for those years is a gaming hobby (addiction of choice). It's how I first coped with my father's molesting of me at 13. Ever since then, I can't stop. I thought it was just addiction, but it's dissociation, too. (I was also physically, verbally, emotionally abused by mother... and emotionally/verbally by an ex-spouse for 5 years straight - a lot for me to untangle..)

I'm quite scared. I'm a mess. I'm still nonfunctional, as I have been since about 23. Can't take care of myself, my living environment. Agoraphobia when I'm not working the 2-3 days a week I work. A total recluse in a city. I call out of work once a month, as I've done today. I'm itching to get on the computer in a few minutes and breathe a sigh of relief as I log into a vast, wondrous virtual world of beautiful landscapes, friendly faces, cozy farms.

I'm getting closer to 45. Soon it will be hard to be hired at that age, if I need to find work anew. I have no drive to improve the situation and am just going through the motions of my work. If I could, I would sleep and game my whole life away.

Throughout the whole nonfunctioning state, there is a painful knot in the middle of my solar plexus. It feels festering, inflamed, putrid, beaten to a pulp. I've a feeling that it has something to do with my nonfunction. Something is profoundly stuck. Muted. Silenced. Torn apart from me.

Please help. I've heard that trauma survivors have trouble taking care of their living spaces. Is this true?

I have extremely many problems (executive function, self-care, etc), but right now the biggest one is that I am profoundly detached from my living space, so detached and avoidant of it, that it's a chaotic mess. I'm lucky to live far away from abusers, and have my own place, though I'm between roommates. When there is no one else here but me, I enter a profound stupor and clean even less. The state of this place terrifies me and stresses me out so much, that most of the time I'm under the force of inertia, which bounds me to my bed (the only relatively clean place) where I lay the whole day (when not working), using my smartphone to feel connected to other people on the internet (profound isolation is one of my biggest problems).

I'm also between therapists. My previous therapist and I didn't get to explore this area of my life, since I have so many other problems.

I'm poor and don't really have money for a cleaning lady. Either way, I think she would faint if she saw the state of my place.

Why do I feel so disconnected from everything in this place? It's like nothing is "mine".

I have had maggots growing in containers I've left in the kitchen. Flies all over. Dried and caked up cat hairballs all over the floor. When I walk around in my slippers, everything crunches under my feet. I haven't done laundry in over a month, and haven't washed floors in 3 months. I'm afraid that my cats are getting diseases from the state of the floor. Dishes rotting all over the kitchen for months.

And I'm not in my twenties, I'm a middle-aged woman.

Why is this happening?

Hello 

I've known of this site for a couple of years, but have not gotten around to posting on it. But I've been directing a few people to it from a subreddit. 

I was diagnosed with CPTSD. Am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a parent; verbal, emotional, and physical abuse by another parent. And lived for a few years with a verbally abusive partner.

By the way, I really really love the format of this forum. It reminds me of older forums from early 2000s, like Aimoo. It's got a wonderful feel! Even some retro nostalgic options like the ftp one. Thank you for making this forum