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These are all incredibly difficult deeply traumatizing experiences. That you survived and are relatively healthy is not a small miracle but an outrageous miracle. That you are willing to start processing is remarkable.

What I've found over time with emdr is it isn't really about thinking something different about the memoriee, they just kind of get resolved and put in the past instead of the present. You can still remember them but you don't relive them quite as often. It'd be like me reading these stories...it's terrible and heartbreaking and I feel stuff in the pit of my stomach reading about what happened to you, but I personally am not reliving it. I am witnessing it as a removed third person viewpoint. That's what I've found emdr can do for my own memories. It isn't perfect. I still get flashback type experiences but it isn't all the time anymore.

All normal rational fears to have! And I know you said logic doesn't help and it never does when it is trauma. But sometimes getting logical reassurance from someone else helps me even if I have the same logical knowledge and it doesn't help. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, 3 things, maybe 4 or 6 or 10:

1. You are so courageous to try something new and to not give up on feeling better.

2. Not being able to speak about trauma - whether that is literally not being able to open your mouth and get a word out, or if it is that you can't say things in a way that make sense - that is a hallmark of trauma. The symptoms of trauma.

3. This is no more under your control than a stroke victim's ability to form words or movements.

4. If your new therapist does not understand this then she doesn't understand trauma

5. If your new therapist doesn't understand, trauma treatment won't go well.

6. If your new trauma therapist doesn't understand trauma and trauma treatment doesn't go well then the failure is of the therapist not of you.

Got it? Good. Go to therapy. Be as your trauma brings you. See if the therapist understands and can help what trauma actually does.

And no you are not alone in these fears or willingness to bring all the blame onto yourself. Another trauma hallmark.

You are brave.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I so hope this therapy is helpful. You deserve to be filthy rich in healing. 

I'll be keeping your fingers crossed for power and safety through the atmospheric river/bomb cyclone. We'll get some of it down here too but not as bad as you. It's a good reminder tho I should charge things and get gas and cash.

Quite the opposite dear. I was grief stricken for you, all you are carrying. All the care and love you are providing not just to the people who abused you but who are actively abusing you while providing care. I was at a loss for words and knowing I didn't have enough time to give justice to what you are going through.   

You provide such beautiful support to your kids. They are so lucky to have you and I only wish that the issues with the adult colleagues could dissolve and give you more space to do what you are so good at.

 

I have a really good vacuum cleaner. 

I mostly use it for spiders but I'd be happy to lend it to you to suck up all the stuff under the rug you don't want to deal with anymore. I'll take the vacuum cleaner back and you won't have to deal with it, I'll take all that dirt and dump in the sea...I think on the opposite side of the country from you.

 


God i wish burying and ignoring this stuff worked. 

I'm glad you don't have to wait long for biopsy results. That is really good. Now just fingers crossed for good news.

Haven't done much outside in the past month or so, lay in bed shaking instead.

Aw Blueberry. This is so sad. I feel so much compassion for that part of yourself that lays in bed and shakes.

Hi Rainy,

I don't know if this will be helpful for you but my T sent these two podcast episodes to me on IFS and Autism. I am not autistic (tho lots of overlapping traits with CPTSD) but he thought I'd like it anyway. Before I knew about trauma I told my T I thought I was autistic.

But I did really like the way the speaker talked and made sense of things. So I don't know if it will be of interest to you but even separate from the topic of IFS I thought it was really interesting.

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/ifs-talks/

They are the two most recent episodes.

 

Right there with you, Cactus Flower. It's horrifying. Just gotta hunker down into the realm of the people who are good and not hateful for now. 

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. Those are really tough memories to be carrying. And like it or not the brain IS a timekeeper and even without external cues like what comes with the holidays (so many triggers!)...even without those cues everywhere...the brain remembers the time of year even without our help. Of course the holidays are really hard. You are trying to be as cheerful as you can for your family. I'm sorry others don't understand. I feel like if you had lost a dear loved one on the holidays people would be understanding. I don't know why they can't see this the same way.

It makes so much sense why the holidays are hard. Hopefully with continued therapy the old memories will eventually be put mostly away and you can get more enjoyment from the new memories with your family. But there's no straight path there. 

It's such a horrid abuse what your stepfather did...in many ways worse than if he took his anger out on you. It's really extremely cruel and damaging. It is no wonder at all it is so hard to move past this. I think you are doing great, all considered. 

Hi Hope. 

 

Maddening the lot of it!!!

I can't believe he gave you his cold on top of everything else.