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Check in when you are able. I'll want to know you are OK.

 

I had a dying dream once and it was surprisingly disturbing for a very long time. For me it was more of an emotional residue though and not the physical that you are feeling. Go to urgent care or ER if something really feels off?

 

What Kizzie said.

He has big fuzzy fronds that I can rub like a security blanket and he's big and squishy

 

Welcome back.

You've been through a lot. I'm glad you are able to take time to rest away from work. I took 2.5 and only went back 16 hrs a week. The things done to us long term were very damaging and taxing. It is what it is. I'm also glad you inherited your mom's house and now have a financial cushion. Ironically. Me too. That's what allowed me to take time off as well.

 

Me too. Giant stuffed pineapple 🍍

Medication is probably the best if you can tolerate it and not be triggered around feeling drugged. 

I'm sorry for everything you went through. Not getting enough sleep makes healing a lot harder and longer.

A couple suggestions that won't heal it all, but worth trying when you have trouble falling asleep...can you try a yoga nidra video to listen to? Those tend to help me get sleepy and relaxed. It won't help you stay asleep but maybe it will help you fall asleep and give your mind something else to focus on.

The other thing I had to do for awhile...about 5 yrs...was force myself to stay up super late like 1 or 2 am because then I could fall asleep and stay asleep till morning time. That was better than falling asleep at 11 and then waking 1-5 then falling asleep finally only to have the alarm go off at 630.

Eventually...resting and de-stressing what I could, healing, processing, I got so I could sleep again. Now I sleep 6 or 7 hrs a night and it makes a big difference. I was doing a lot of reenactments at night too and once I caught on that I was doing that I was able to talk myself into not doing that anymore...telling myself I'm safe it's not happening anymore. Nothing is the one best trick but eventually it'll come together for you. 

 

You're not doing anything wrong. That's trauma talking.

 

I'm so sorry. From someone who was SAed in person physically, what you went through sounds so horrible and destructive and I am so very sorry for what you went through. The thing is...mine had a start and an end. Yours went on and kept a constant state of trauma and distress and there are so many pieces of it that were so so difficult. I'm so sorry. 

 

Sorry I've missed your journal and are not keeping up with the forum very well lately. But it's really common for the first year or two to constantly think you've done something wrong and need to leave. That's just the dumb trauma talking. One more lovely symptom

 

Is there anything that helps? 

Papa C. How terrifying but also how protective to have this alligator. Like a protector of last resort perhaps? Or perhaps not. Like maybe that alligator will protect you if your secret comes out?

I love all that you've written here it really helps me. I hope you keep writing about how your relationship with this part changes over time. Because I cannot visualize I have to do IFS without any imagery of the parts. I feel them by thoughts and syntax (a 3 yr old says "please die me" and "uh oh" while a 5 yr old says "I need to die" and a 19 yr old thinks she already died). But also through body language. A three year old clasps her hands and twists her fingers, a 5 yr old collapses her body in shame...there are clues other than visual about which part is out and about. And I'm curious how you learn to recognize and work with the part that lives with the alligator because you always have such good insight, I know it will help me.

By the way, my therapist took training with Richard (can't use his usual first name as it gets *ed) Schwartz and you might not believe this but Dr. Schwartz has the same condition I do with having no ability to visualize. He also does not see his parts. IFS can work anyway. So I'm just very curious how this all plays out for you with this one unvisualized part.

I sense so much strength too here from you because it's very rare that you talk about your CSA in such straightforward ways. 

She sounds quite flaky! For whatever reason, not really having the money or having her own internal struggles but it sounds like she is not the home for your first sold painting! I hope corvid finds a wonderful owner at the art sale. Your decision to switch art classes does not sound at all like a function of cptsd but of listening to yourself and what you really want for your growth in art. Great job! It sounds like the right decision to me!

Have you given any of the guided relaxation meditations or yoga nidra a try? It took awhile for that kind of thing to work for me. It makes sense it is hard for us because relaxing lets in the flood gate of horrible feelings and sensations.

I don't know about you but I would physically brace myself and tighten all my muscles to keep from feeling anything and at first when I'd try to relax the second I unclenched I'd get physical flashbacks and bad thoughts and memories would come in and then I'd be back to feeling tense and overwhelmed.

I have a therapist now who is well trained in somatic therapy and the idea of pendulating. So she'd start with having me ground by placing my feet on the ground, feeling the carpet against my feet, feeling anchored to the ground,  then she'd suggest that I feel that anchoredness spreading up. Then she'd tell me to notice sensations that were associated with positive feelings and try to expand those sensations to larger parts of my body.

All the while I'd be feeling so ashamed because really I was having horrible feelings and thoughts instead of feeling relaxed and grounded. Eventually I'd tell her embarrassed that I couldn't even stay with positive thoughts or relax.

So she'd have me stay with the bad feeling for a little bit, to feel it and describe it and then she'd seamlessly transition back to the positive feeling and sensation so that I was sort of toggling between the two.

So I guess my advice is not to beat yourself up if you try to relax and find the opposite happening AND that you don't need to stop...you can pay attention to the bad thing for a little bit and then try to break free from that and go back to the good feeling too and go back and forth like that. At first it's going to feel impossible probably because those flashbacks that come up can really sink us in and there's no ability to get out. But as soon as you have some control and can feel yourself and think again try to go back to the postive feeling. At some point get up and move around shake your arms or legs make some noises just do something physical to not get trapped.

Good luck. Relaxing IS hard with ptsd. It's OK to try and give up if it isn't working. But try again the next day or week or month. Eventually you'll develop that skill. I'm sort of in the beginning of being able to relax. 7 years ago when I started therapy I could not do the relaxation exercises. They were way way way too triggering. So I kind of gave up on them as a tool instead of continuing to try and build that skill.  I think just accepting it's hard and that it's going to have the opposite effect for awhile takes some of the pressure and guilt and shame off.

The other thought I have is what if you approached the things you currently do to zone out (screens etc) as an intentional way to relax. So instead of saying you're zoning out, instead you are watching TV to settle your nervous system and give it a break. Maybe while you are watching you can try to remember to consciously breathe or do some muscle relaxation while you are distracted.