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I'll be thinking of you today. I almost always forget nearly all of what went down in therapy week to week and also forget to write it down or forget to read it...forget, forget, forget...That's dissociation for you. It isn't your fault, it isn't wrong, and honestly it's probably pretty protective and ingenious. Plus you have 2 weeks between appointments so it's even harder to remember. I agree with NK...you are in control of what gets discussed in a healthy therapy...if something is saying "no" then going slow in returning to that topic is probably essential. Slow is fast, and all that.


I recall that this was about love and that I had a theory or gut-level feeling about that that I wanted to share with you. But if your mind is telling you "no," you can ignore it and not read it. I'll treat it like a potential trigger warning just in case and will use white font. I hope it isn't upsetting if you read it. I will delete this if you want or need me to. 

But my theory is that you loved your Ds very strongly and they felt that love. But it was too powerful an emotion that your mind had to protect you from perceiving it, because somewhere along the lines you were taught that you had to block out emotions to survive...alexythymia... whether that's autism, CPTSD, or both. But I don't think you don't have emotions, I'm guessimg you just don't perceive them when they are over-powering. The love you felt for that cat was probably just the right amount of love that it didn't overwhelm you. So your mind let you feel it.

Hi...

When my memories come up they are very very very fragmented. I may only first feel the physical pain. At another period of time (like much much later) I may feel a single emotional aspect, and then another time another emotional aspect. None of these are tied together or accompany any other part of the memory. They have just been busted apart and float up one fragment of a fragment at a time.

You just keep going forward, NK, it's truly impressive and inspiring ESPECIALLY being in the middle of FOO madness and elder care. It's really really really impressive.

Such a brilliant strategy! 

Apologies for my question about singing if it stirred anything up!  I remembered it being something mostly joyful for you which is why I asked if it would "count" as something activating. But what you are saying about being coercive to younger parts makes sense!

I'm so impressed with your new strategy. 

 

Welcome to a new journal and a promising new approach! I agree that with dissociation activation is so much a huge huge key. I wonder if singing is an activator for you?

 

I'll say more when I have the time to express my thoughts clearly. Or as clearly as I am able. But that love is your favorite thing...it says so much dear. 

Take care 

 

  San

I think it is beautiful that you were able to open up to your new T about such a sensitive, delicate topic. I hope you can keep letting these out in her company. You've been on your own without help for too long.   

I have some theories on the question of love but I'll save them for another time. If you are up to it I'll leave for you a gentle hug full of love and care and respect, mom to mom. 

 

Joyoushugs filled with red Robin songs for the red Robin princess on her way to therapy to get loving kind support. 

 

Telling you to put on your oxygen mask first was advice-y and dismissive and I'm sorry. I messed that one up! You know how to handle all this, you always have. I was just feeling protective of you which is not really my place.   

I care about you, San,  but my delivery was off.   

Yeah that's true Teddy Bear. I do wonder what causes one person to head toward a CPTSD presentation, one toward personality disorder, one toward schizophrenia, and one toward psychopathy.

Wow. Reciprocal empathy. That feels like the crux of growing up with a parent with a personality disorder.

I'm so sorry you are going through this phase of CPTSD. It's awful.

Putting them out of mind probably isn't the best long term because the content is coming up to be processed. If they are so bad you can't speak about then you can also try to get them out here in writing.

I understand, not being able to speak of them. Some of my nightmares have been so horrific that the only way I could speak of them with T was doing flash EMDR first before even trying to share. There's no way I could even say anything about them to anyone else.

 

It's beautiful what you are doing and also its important to put on your own oxygen mask too. Part of that is going to your T today. 

I hope this is something you can bring up with her and get some support or guidance on. 

 

Phenomenal progress and Happy Birthday! It IS a miracle

Definitely, Blueberry. I always thought I just had bad hand/eye coordination but then I participated in a trauma workshop that incorporated yoga and I noticed how strong the connection was between whether I could follow simple movements and how triggered and dissociated I was.