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I know that moving out of my brother's house will allow me to change. I've observed good changes in myself every time I have been able to maintain LC. I know that will be true no matter how it happens. I keep telling myself that even living in a car will be so much better than dealing with him continuing to gaslight me but am still terrified to give up what security there is to having a roof over my head.

I'm starting to think of him as Don Quixote, so certain he is slaying ogres when in reality he is demolishing windmills. Myself as the townsperson who had been brainwashed into accepting his stories of heroic deeds in my life. Try to point out that his actions were actually destructive largely because of how I believed so wholeheartedly in his desire for my growth and wellbeing and am met with the response that the problem is how I interpreted his intentions. He comes out of nowhere needing to assert this again and again especially every time I start to gain some momentum. I felt responsible for causing him to be so mad that I had to wipe his spit off my face while listening to him stomp off despite this being the time of highest achievement in my life of my own volition. Hearing him say he had only ever tried to give me "pep talks" was... just too much. That was back in the beginning of December, this is when my heart sunk and I realized there was no hope of real communication with him. I had already starting grieving some of the ideas of him I held but this hit me hard. I've been pretty shut down for the last few months going through the anger and bargaining stages of grief. Just starting to come out of it.


After having said it I don't want to avoid being supportive of others on here I just don't know how to do it in a way that feels like my own voice. I found myself wondering if I was projecting my own wants and needs for my own healing. And my attempt at being supportive looking on the surface like FOO asserting their identity as being supportive while lacking any connection to my experience made me feel like I was running my own broadcast of the -Look how supportive I am- show. I want to actually be supportive of others but find myself avoiding it unless I can do it without being noticed. I guess some others on here know what it is like to go through this internal conflict. Maybe I just need to push through the discomfort of feeling phony and do it anyway much like other areas of healing. Guess I'll try.

I keep checking in on others posts from time to time to be inspired and not feel so alone. I had tried to respond to someone else's post, and even though the feelings and intentions were genuine, looking back on it something about the way I voiced it reminded me so much of my FOO that I ran away from actually participating in this community. It felt more like I was trying to play a character than connect. I appreciate the response to my last post, wish I had kept that interaction going. I don't feel like I've made any progress since then. As uncomfortable as it feels I think I'm going to allow myself to be a little selfish and just focus on my own posts so that I don't run away again.

I think the only thing that has changed is that I've committed to living in my car over asking FOO for any more help. Which if things don't change that will happen about a month from now. I can barely even talk to my brother at all without feeling too panicky to function for weeks after. My T has helped me get to a place where I feel worthy of some help and have started reaching out to agencies that may be able to provide some assistance. The idea of living in my car leaves me feeling a little defeated. The future is a big question mark and I hope for the best but am really afraid of the worst.

I'm certainly making progress but still find myself repeating the same old unproductive habits. I still find myself compartmentalizing aspects of my brother's behavior so that I can justify it for him. As if asserting to him that our parents pushed false beliefs on both of us that he could understand how acting on that belief has hurt me. He has claimed to have taken responsibility for my life in regard to his interactions with these beliefs. And I know he won't let go of one of the few things he received positive regard for from our parents. Every time I catch myself doing this I get frustrated with myself for unconsciously removing the context of the rest of our relationship.

I've been LC with him for a while and this has toned him down a bit. But every time I see him, his testing, or should I say pushing, my boundaries it reminds me that NC is the goal. In the moment I haven't felt any need to react to his provocations but, when thinking about it after, the recognition that he is probing really gets under my skin.

Now on the positive side of compartmentalizing I am finding that I'm not bringing that energy with me out into the rest of the world as much. And thoughts about my goals to improve my life have prevailed more often than not, if only by a small margin, over the arguments I have with him in my head. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that my healing will accelerate a lot when I am finally able to go NC.

I used to, still do, feel apprehension about anything I say; starting with the fear of being misunderstood. It's sometimes hard to find the right words, given some of the deep scars we all have. Wherever you decide to go with using this forum, feel free to always be you. Once you take the first step, the rest might still frighten a tad, but you'll notice this time it feels different, as there are people here who will understand.

Those are the words I needed to hear as well, and will try to embody that acceptance to everyone here. That apprehension has stopped me from giving the words of encouragement that I have wanted to many times since my own introductory post.

Geopolis, your vulnerability has already added to my journey that I am taking alongside you. Thank you for sharing.

I've been a bit of a lurker on the OOTF for a couple of years but always chickened out when I wanted to join. Still have a hard time with the whole JADE thing. I feel like I have to tell my entire life story so that I won't seem like I'm just blaming my problems on others, but I'll try to refrain. If you aren't familiar with the term identified patient it is almost the same as being a scapegoat. I was always treated like I was defective (anything that didn't fit their desires is pathologized) but with less aggression than a scapegoat would receive, which is why I make the distinction. Most of the time they acted like they were trying to lovingly help me, but they just didn't like me, didn't like me saying no.

Been working on my CPTSD issues for a few years now. Started with videos from youtube therapists that helped a bit. But I am really starting to see changes after I finally read Pete Walker's book just a few months ago, I couldn't really get into inner child work before that.

I have a hard time putting the blame back where it belongs, as they say, because I fell completely into the role prescribed me by every member of my family. A video by Jay Reid finally put it into perspective for me. I needed to adopt that role to have a shared reality with my family, I had to if I wanted to feel any connection with them. I haven't lived all my life as the identified patient, but whenever I did any healing or growing trying to connect with them was like throwing myself against a wall of anger. That is when I would be treated as though I was self-sabotaging and so stubbornly refusing to see it that it warranted their anger. Eventually I would comply.

I grew up in a small religious community which my parents were very involved in. I was barely even allowed to be around people outside of that community. Everyone I knew thought they were delightful caring people. I'm still very enmeshed with them. I am already NC with my mother and planning on going NC with the rest of my family because I've lost hope that they will ever change. It's a bit scary going out on my own after more than 30 years of feeling like such a useless waste of space, with my therapist being pretty much the sole member of my current support network. I'm finally starting to see the qualities that I possess and know that network will grow and hope coming here will be a good start.

Looking forward to getting to know you all.