Messages

Thanks Kizzie. I like the idea of having a plan too. Thanks also for the suggestion about checking agency websites to see if they talk about CC. I guess I am just assuming that people won't take me seriously because even I'm having trouble accepting the situation. The self doubt is still pretty loud in my head.

Thank you all for the support. My heart goes out to all of you and everyone in the forum. It's sad to think of all the negative experiences everyone had to go through to find ourselves here.

I think the isolation has been the worst part. I didn't even realize it until I started posting here. It's like being in the middle of a very long, bad dream.

Honestly, I am afraid to contact domestic violence agencies. There's still the fear that they will take my kids away, or that my H will retaliate, and the fear that I won't be believed or will be dismissed because there is no physical abuse.

Hi everyone,

I thank everyone who sent support and guidance to my post in the intros. I took your advice and have been reading a whole lot, including information from OOTF. I just feel more comfortable posting here, so I hope it's ok.

I was blaming substance abuse for my H's behaviour. I thought that the "better times" were due to his decreasing his use for short periods. He has everyone else convinced that he is the long suffering, superhero husband and dad, and that the problem is me and the kids, that we are a disappointment and don't meet the standards of his siblings' families.

There is something wrong with me and the kids, but now I suspect that he caused a lot of the damage.

Since I started reading and posting here, he knows something is different, and has toned down his behaviour again. Normally, it would make me happier and I would try harder to please him. Now, it just makes me sad because I recognize that he is continuing the coersion and gaslighting, but he is just being a lot more subtle.

The guilt of not protecting my children is awful. I feel physically ill when I think of how long this has gone on. The self doubt is ever present, though, and it keeps me here, afraid to take any concrete steps. Part of me actually wishes I never looked into this. I wish I was a stronger person.

Hi Bluepalm. Thank you for your supportive words. Every time I hear my H tell me that I'm imagining things or that he's right and my thinking is all wrong, I reread the replies to my post. It helps to calm the self doubt, and I am able to keep reading the other posts and suggested information.

Coercive control sums up my marriage, but I get so confused when I talk to him. He also tells me that everyone he talks to agrees with him.

I think I am supposed to discuss this under a heading. I'm sorry for going on when this is supposed to be an intro. I really just wanted to express my gratitude again. It is so nice to connect with people that really understand and are non-judgemental.

Kizzie, Blueberry, thank you from the bottom of my heart❤.

The self doubt is paralyzing, and the worst part is failing my kids because of it. I've tried to get help for some issues they have been going through, but it didn't sink in until recently that cPTSD is probably a big contributor. Also we were not allowed to talk to therapists about what happens at home.

Growing up, my father physically abused my mother. Verbal and emotional abuse were routine. My husband had me convinced that his behaviour is normal and blamed my upbringing for all of our problems.

Now, I will keep reading and learning from everyone here. Crying a lot, but I think it's a good sign.

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you so much for your reply and the info on OOTF. I appreciate any advice and guidance, and will definitely check out the link.

It's hard to describe how it feels to have someone just accept what I am feeling without having to justify it or apologize. I am so grateful

Hi everyone. I have written and deleted a few intros before posting. This is more difficult than I thought it would be.

I found this site trying to find help for my kids. I thought they were showing signs of autism, but now I'm not sure. I think my husband is a bully. He is old school with discipline, and believes that we should all abide by his wishes, no questions. He blames me for the problems the kids are having because I am too permissive and has accused me of manufacturing the problems. I have told him that I will contact my doctor and get help in that case, but he prevents me from doing so by telling me that children's aid will take our kids away if I report any issues.

Only a few people have seen his bullying. He is verbally and emotionally abusive in private, but most people think he is a wonderful husband and father. He can be, but most of the time we walk on eggshells around him.

But what if it is all me? Because of my childhood and upbringing, I don't know what normal is. As difficult as this situation is, it's a step up from what I grew up with. But I want something better for my kids. This forum is great, and has great resources, but I am afraid to reach out to people close by.

Sorry for the long intro. Still afraid to post this, but here I go.