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Hello everyone,

I think I feel a little bit better after the rest day. I feel calm, and I actually want to do something creative, an urge which I should really follow up on since it has become such a rarity. I finished some anxiety-inducing work today, which I'm sure has been helpful in putting my mind at ease. I've also been reading a motivating book - the Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself - and that has been really helpful. I know that reading helps me with stabilizing my mood, so it's something I want to prioritize again. I didn't end up going to the meet-up yesterday, and I think that was the right decision. I was far too tired, and I needed the rest, especially as I'm an introvert. Right now, I'm off to cook some food, and then I might just paint something for the first time in months, if not years.

Thanks for reading. I hope that the day is kind to you!

Hiya Everyone,

This is a really short one, because I feel a little tired right now. Today, I've chosen to take a rest day, because my emotions have been all over the place lately and I know that my rigid working schedule has been contributing to this. The thing is, I don't even get much done, because I always tell myself that my workday is long, and that I'll do it later, and then I just... don't. I procrastinate, and the worst thing is that I don't have time to do any of my household chores and health related habits (like jogging), which makes me feel even worse. So today, I've scaled it back down to the absolute basics, and I want to rethink my schedule. I'm best at concentrating in the early morning, so I need to get my academic work done then, before lunch. And in the afternoon, I need to schedule easier activities, like emails, or chores. But I do feel guilty. People who work full time have so much more on their plate, and they seem to handle it well; so why can't I do it? But that's an unfair comparison. Right now, I have to write my bachelor's thesis, and that's extremely "brain-intensive" work. Add to that a big heap of anxiety, and it's no wonder that I can't spend an entire day working on it. I need something more mindless to balance it out, something that doesn't require me to actively learn.

Other than that, there's not a lot happening right now. I'm feeling a little tired, and I'm still not sure whether I want to go out for a drink with some acquaintances later in the evening. I really don't feel like talking to anybody, but I know that I might have fun if I do go. Maybe I should just join them for a bit to see where it goes - I can always leave if I'm really not having fun.

Thank you for reading and have a nice day!

Good morning everyone!

Thank you for the idea Armee, pretending that I'm with strangers might actually work for me. I also like to pretend that I'm a scientist studying my family of origin - it gives me a lot of insights into the ways I was raised, and it creates a distance of rationality between me and them. And it keeps me from slipping back into the role of a child. For me, visiting my family always raises a very childlike, helpless part of myself, who feels trapped and in danger. So I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that I'm an adult now - I have to put on my makeup, wear nice clothes, keep myself from lounging around on the bed all day, and actually keep up with my daily routine.

But enough about Christmas for now. Yesterday evening, I've been triggered by a misunderstanding between me and my boss - it's all cleared up now, but it did make me feel really anxious at the time. Once again, I felt like I was bad, rather than accepting that it was a mistake in communication, and I think I'm still projecting characteristics of my parents - blaming, judging, demonizing - on other people who have done nothing to deserve it. It isn't fair, and it's been contributing to most of my relationships remaining shallow, so nobody wins in this situation. I know that I need to accept that most people are more or less trustworthy - at the very least, they don't care enough about little old me to actively track my mistakes in order to demonize me for it. And that's especially the case for my loves ones. I know that when I really love someone,  I don't really care if they accidentally say something that hurts me, or lash out when they're in a bad mood, so long as they're genuinely sorry afterwards. So why can't I believe that for myself?

To end this on a more positive note, my partner actually started listening to some music I recommended! Knowing that someone put in the effort to get to know me in that way has really put a smile on my face.

Thank you for the suggestion, dolly! IFS sounds exactly like something that would be helpful to me.

But onto my journal entry. I haven't been writing over the weekend, mainly because I've been busy, but also because I didn't really feel like it. Once again, I've been all over the place emotionally, and I feel really guilty because I've been saying some negative things about myself around my partner, and now I fear that I made him worry. I know that I'm really fine, that I'm just going through a tough phase which will pass in time, but I know that it might not look like that from the outside. And that also makes me afraid of being abandoned once again - of being labelled the crazy one, the toxic one, the abusive one, when I've been trying so hard not to be any of these things. I thinks that's one of my biggest fears, driving people away without really meaning to. I fear that people have the wrong image of me, and that I won't be given a chance to redeem myself. Ironically, this leads to me not letting anyone in at all. Why do I hold this belief? I think it's because my parents, mainly my mother, often labelled me as the bad one. Things were always my fault, and when I made a mistake, they made it out to be something I did on purpose. "Accidents" weren't a thing, they always assumed malicious intent, and nothing I said could convince them otherwise. It made me hypervigilant not to make any mistakes at all. If I didn't make any mistakes, they couldn't blame me for it. And when I did make a mistake, I did everything in my power to hide it from them, because I knew that they wouldn't help me, but blame me instead. It's why I always force myself to handle things alone. For many people, when they make a mistake, their first instinct is to call their parents; for me, my first instinct is wondering whether I can keep it from them. That's a horrible thing for a child to go through, and it's something that makes me feel helpless to this day.
But it's time to let go. Let go of the stories they force on me, like they know me better than I know myself. Let go of the shame and blame that I still carry with me, and give it back to them. Let go of this obsession with not being seen as bad - if someone can't see me for the complex person that I am, then I don't want to have anything to do with them. Making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, being difficult sometimes doesn't make me a bad person, saying the wrong things sometimes doesn't make me a bad person. It just means that I'm not perfect. And sometimes that means that I have to acknowledge my wrongdoing and apologize, but it never, ever means that I'm inherently flawed and evil. So I want to cut myself some slack, and start believing that I'm okay just the way I am. That will take some time, but that's alright - I can give myself all the time in the world.

There are some other things that stress me out right now, and that add to my chaotic emotional state. I'm visiting my partner's mother this weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm also worried about making a good first impression. From what he's told me about her, she's really cool and kind, so it'll probably be fine. But it's the first time in my life I'm meeting someone who might one day become my mother-in-law, so I'm still anxious. Then there's Christmas, which I will unfortunately be spending with my FOO (I'm not yet ready to go full on no-contact, and I'm afraid that missing Christmas would be taken as a clear provocation). I want to make sure that I'll be spending as little time there as possible, but I'm also traveling with a friend to save money, so I'm a bit dependent on her. To be honest, I'm really not comfortable with being unable to leave at any time. I'd rather spend more money on the train ticket and leave a little earlier if it means peace of mind. And considering that I plan on visiting far less often from now on, I'll be saving a lot of money anyway. So that's that. I still want to make some preparations for this visit, to make sure I'm as stable as possible. Christmas isn't really a bad time for my family; it usually makes them more docile, actually. But they might ask me questions about my life, or start criticizing and teasing me, and I want to be ready for that. I was thinking about scheduling a call with a friend, and I was planning on calling my partner anyway - maybe even every day I'll be staying home. I'll have to talk to him about it to make sure that he has the time for it. I'll also need some sort of project I'll be able to focus on over the holidays, be it something I can craft or a new video game to play. And I'll take my noise-cancelling headphones with me so I can have some peace and quiet when I need it.

Alright, this has been longer entry that usual, but maybe that's just because I have a lot of things on my plate. Thanks for reading and have a nice day!

Good morning once again! I'm hoping to make journal writing part of my morning routine... let's hope that it'll stick this time.

Yesterday was a very weird day. After some social interaction I felt pretty positive about myself. I went home, went on a tidying frenzy, listened to some empowering music, and I thought that I'd finally beaten my slump. But when I laid down to sleep, I started thinking about my fear of abandonment once again, and then it all spiraled downwards from there. I couldn't really sleep until after midnight, after I finally managed to drink a cup of tea and tell myself that I'll feel better in the morning. And I do feel a little bit better, but it still feels like something is really just off. I was really unhappy with my looks, and my hair, and I almost didn't want to leave my flat today because of that. And my inner critic is so loud lately - telling me that everyone is going to abandon me, and that it's no wonder given how I'm not really good at anything - not even at looking nice.

I know that's not true. I know that I'm good at a lot of things, if perhaps not perfect. I'm a very creative person, and I'm amazing at problem-solving. I'm can understand concepts pretty easily, and I'm especially good at learning to use new tools, especially software. I have a good sense of style that is unique to me, and I take really good care of my hair. I am neat, but not obsessive about it. I'm loving, and open-minded, and I never raise my voice at the people I love, because I know that they're doing their best, even when they make a mistake (there's no use getting angry! it happened, and now all we can do is fix it together). I take my time to listen to people when they tell me about themselves, especially when they talk about their favorite things. There are more things I could write down, but the point is, my inner critic tries to paint me in black, when really, I'm neither all bad nor perfect. I'm just a person, and sometimes I'm going to be fun and pleasant, and other times I'm going to be difficult, and neither of these things define my whole character. And the people who see me for who I am will also realize that. I don't want to be with someone who either idealized me or paints me as a villain, because I'm more complex than that. We're all more complex than that!

I think what I need right now is a healthy dose of neutrality. In times like these, I find it hard to stay positive, so I try to at the very least be neutral: "I'm no more or less lovable than any other person on the planet." "I'm not evil, and I am not perfect. I'm something in-between, just like everybody is." "I have to eat/rest, because my body needs those things to keep me alive. I do not have to be 'deserving' of keeping myself alive." I'm also hoping that talking to my partner will help - I didn't have any time to see him yesterday. But I don't know. At this point, I feel that what I need is an extended hug and a large dose of reassurance, so it might be less of a conversation and more of a cuddle session.

That's it for today. Hopefully, I'll feel more positive tomorrow - I'm kind of sick of all this drama going on in my head, and I just want some peace and quiet for once. Thank you for reading, and have a nice day!

Good morning everyone!

First of all, thank you again for the supportive comments - I really appreciate it, and it made me feel a little bit better on this dark and gloomy morning.
Tonight, I had a bit of a nightmare, which tied in to another nightmare I had a few weeks ago. Both were about my fear of abandonment, being left my my loved ones out of nowhere, unable to talk to them about it or change their minds in any way. I don't usually get nightmares, which is a relief, and even those two have been rather tame - I didn't wake up screaming or anything, but I did wake up feeling horrible about myself, and it always takes a while for me to connect my poor emotional state to the nightmare. It can ruin my day if I don't notice it early enough. Today I did, and I had a bit of a cry, and listened to some music which always makes me feel a little bit less broken. I feel a little bit better now, though still shaken. It seems that abandonment is a much bigger fear of mine than I've realized, and I think that it's subconsciously influencing my relationships. When somebody gets too close to me, I tend to make up reasons why they can't possibly like me. I tell myself that I'm too stupid for them, or that I'm not good enough of a friend, or that I'm toxic, or that they're toxic. And then I just quietly remove myself from the relationship, stop attempting to contact them, give up, basically... I'd like to say that I've gotten better at not pushing people away, but the negative thoughts are still in my head and they are hard to ignore. It's self-sabotage, and it's incredibly distressing. At least my nightmare helped me realize that. I wonder if it would be beneficial for me to write a dream journal, since my dreams really do influence my moods.

I would like to address such things with my friends and partner, but I never know how to start those kinds of conversation. I'm not really good at doing it casually, but I'm also far too good at masking my emotions, so it's rare that anyone realizes that something's wrong and asks me about it. And I hate how I always end up in tears in conversations like that. It makes me feel like such a burden, even though I know that it's perfectly okay and healthy to cry sometimes. I just can't get rid of the belief that if I'm not nice, and pleasant, and good enough, the people I love will eventually leave me. (small update on that: while writing, I decided to message my partner to tell him that I had a nightmare, and ask him to remind me to talk about it... that way, my mind can't make up excuses on why I should deal with this alone, since he now knows that something's up, and I don't have to feel guilty because he can decide when and where we can talk about more serious stuff. this is actually genius!)

Anyway, that's all for today - as always, I feel much better now that I've put everything into words. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day! 

Hello! It's been a while, but I'm back now. It's been a hectic couple of weeks, and I've been slacking on journal writing because of it. Alas, there's nothing to do but get back into it as soon as possible.

I was offered a small job at my university, which I took. Getting all of the necessary documents together was incredibly anxiety inducing, especially since I've had to contact my father to do so. I realized that I can't really do these things alone - adult stuff always triggers an anxiety attack, since I've never had an adult by my side who would take the time to explain it to me - so I asked a friend to sit with me while I did it, and that helped enormously. And now that I know what documents will be expected of me in future jobs, earning my own money feels a little less intimidating. That's one of the first steps to true independence. Next up, I want to start managing my finances better - I know very little about my bank, since my father set it up a long time ago. I have a little bit of money saved, and I want to learn how to manage it properly. Especially since I want to keep living in the city I'm currently studying in, and I can't stay in my cheap dorm flat forever. I'd love to move in with my partner, have a nice and save and cozy flat with him. But that'll definitely be more expensive, so I have to start setting the foundations for an independent life right now.

My emotions have been all over the place, too. I've been much more anxious that usual, and I've had some depressive bouts which were incredibly unpleasant. I've been feeling incredibly broken on a few occasions, like I'm too much for anyone to handle, like I'm not made for this world. I've just finished reading a book called "Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine", whose protagonist woman who has been traumatized in her childhood. I could relate to her a lot, feeling like you don't belong, like the best you can hope for is being tolerated by the people around you, enduring life rather than living it. It seems so easy for all the people around me to make friends, to be liked. They get contacted all the time because they're fundamentally likable, whereas I'm lucky if I get one message a day. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I may seem a little bit aloof at first - but I don't understand why that would be, since I always try to be as kind as possible. Maybe I'm just not a good conversationalist. It's hard for me to talk about myself, and I think that people notice that and assume that I don't want to be close to them. At least it feels that way, but I know that my perception of such things is skewed. Right now, I'm having a bit of late autumn blues (maybe a mild form of SAD?), mainly because it's too dark and cold to spend much time outside and enjoy it. I've been exercising much less, as well, and that definitely made my moods less stable. I'm taking some vitamins now, and I'm hoping they'll help. I've also been forcing myself to go for a short jog at least every other day. I've been thinking of getting one of these light therapy thingies, but I don't know if I want yet another electronic device cluttering my space.

Anyway, this is the gist of what has happened in the past few weeks. I'll try to write more regularly from now on - journal entries really help with organizing my thoughts, and the kind replies always put a smile on my face. Thanks for reading everyone - I hope you have a nice rest of the week!

Once again, thank you for all the replies!
We actually talked about emotionally disconnecting from our toxic FOO in our last self-help group session, and I've gotten a lot of encouragement to finally break free. I've also had a bit of an emotional breakdown with my boyfriend yesterday, mainly about financial dependence and how horrible it makes me feel to still have this tie to my family. He had a similar experience with his biological father, so talking to him was really helpful. I promised him that I'd finish the first draft of my CV come Friday, and that he'd take a look at it then. That's such a huge relief - it gives me accountability, as well as the security that I won't mess it up completely. But I still feel really guilty for "dumping" my problems onto him. It always makes me feel like a very difficult person to be with - and even though he assured me that me expressing my emotions isn't being difficult, I still worry that this might become a problem in the future. What if I end up leaning on him too much? What if he starts thinking that I'm too tiring, too much of a burden? I don't want this to become a therapist-patient relationship, but I also don't want to suppress my emotions. It's a difficult balance to strike.
Other than that, my week was more or less calm. I had a great time on Monday, although I stayed up a bit too late and felt groggy the next day. I had a yoga class yesterday morning, and my body is still aching from that. I had to cancel some outdoor events today because I know that I have to rest my muscles, and the weather is horrible anyway, so I don't feel all that guilty about it. I'm just hoping that the weather won't mess up the plans I have with my friends. After all the difficult emotions yesterday, I really need to get out of my head for a bit.

First of all, thanks for the kind replies! It's always nice to feel seen.

But onto my next journal entry. Today is the social event I've been talking about last time, and as always, I feel much less enthusiastic now. It seems exhausting, and my brain is telling me that I won't be able to hold a conversation, that I'll embarrass myself, that people are going to hate me. Rationally, I know that's ridiculous. My friends will be there, other acquaintances will be there, and my boyfriend is going to join us later in the evening. Still... that irrational anxiety persists. I know by now that this feeling is a toxic coping mechanism from a different time, and that once I'm at the event, I'll be enjoying myself. It also helps to remember that even if I do end up not having fun, I can always leave.
I've noticed that meditating in the morning really helps with my emotional regulation, as well as staying grounded. I really want to prioritize it and make it an nonnegotiable part of my routine, because the difference it makes is astounding. And walks! Going on a long walk and listening to a motivating audio book often gives me a huge energy boost. Today, it actually made me sit down to work on my CV, a task which always makes me incredibly anxious because I've been raised to believe that I'm helpless and useless. Movement just really makes me feel like I can change something about my life, like I'm a person with agency. That's a wonderful thing. I really want to become completely financially independent from my foo to at least have the option of going no-contact with them. That alone would give me so much peace of mind.

Hello to anyone listening in on my dysfunctional ramblings,

I'm Ronja and this morning I've been busy anxiously ruminating. My current partner (let's call him Jay) is an incredibly smart person - he gets good grades consistently, and he's able to memorize random facts with ease. Yesterday he told me that back in our equivalent of high school, he graduated at the top of his class, and that definitely hit a sore spot somewhere in my head because now I can't help obsessing over the thought that he's far too smart to be with somebody like me.
The thing is, I firmly believe that doing well in your formal education is not the only sign of intelligence. And I know that I've done an exceptionally good job at navigating school, considering that back then, I've had to deal with largely unacknowledged c-ptsd and depression. Now I'm at university and I'm close to graduating, but it still feels like I don't deserve to be here (hello imposter syndrome?). I feel like I've been "faking" my intelligence, mostly because my parents never understood my depression, and blamed me for not performing well in school. My mother literally told be that I was too stupid to attend university, that I'm good for nothing, and I still have a hard time letting go of that belief. I also know that when I'm with other people, I have a hard time thinking clearly because I become hypervigilant or I dissociate, so when somebody asks me a question it takes me a long time to answer. I think other people believe me to be a slow thinker, when really my thoughts are constantly racing from one topic to the next.
And now I'm realizing that this is a topic that I could go on and on about. But even if I don't have a solution to my self-esteem issues, writing it down does make me feel a bit better.

Other than that... I know that I should be working on my bachelor's thesis right now, but I've been doing so much internal work that I have a hard time getting myself to start. The whole process also fills me with anxiety - fear of failure I suppose. On the other hand, I feel like I'm finally starting to come out of my phase of isolation. I'm starting to enjoy time with friends again, and I feel like this period of introspection has given me a healthier perspective on relationships. I'm also happy that my university is finally beginning to liven up again - and next Monday I'll be helping with organizing a social event to bring new students together. It'll be the first "party" I'll be attending since the pandemic started, so I'm excited, although also slightly anxious.

Thank you Papa Coco! Your story really resonated with me, and I'm glad to hear that you are able to express those long suppressed emotions now. It also made me think about my own situation: I used to hide my "difficult" emotions from my family, and now I struggle to feel anything at all, let alone expressing my feelings when I'm with other people. But then, when I'm alone, I often feel completely overwhelmed. It's been a huge effort to break this negative cycle, but I'd like to say that I'm now a lot better at recognizing, as well as communicating my emotions!

Thank you for the kind words everybody, I'm glad to be here

Hello everyone! 

I'm bad at introductions, and English isn't even my native language, but I'll give it my best shot! Ever since the pandemic started, I've worked hard to become more emotionally stable and rebuild my basic trust. I grew up in a family that ridiculed any "unpleasant" emotions, and I was physically punished for any mistakes I made. I never felt save talking to my parents or my older brothers, who more or less accepted the belief that emotions are a bad thing. Add to that bullying in school, and I've entirely lost my trust in other people. For years now, I've been isolating myself both physically and emotionally, which did protect me from getting hurt, but also made me feel incredibly lonely and resentful. I've realized that my tendency to push other people away is incredibly hurtful - I don't want to become the toxic one, the one who could not be bothered to work through their issues, taking it out on others instead.

I recently joined a local self-help group, which has proven to me that kind and understanding people are really out there. I also met my now-boyfriend there, who has been lovely and supportive, and with whom I've been working on building a healthy relationship based on trust and communication. I've never allowed myself to fall in love before (I'm in my early twenties), so this is an entirely new experience for me. Being with him has also been incredibly motivating: I really want this relationship to work, which means that I cannot fall back into toxic patterns.

Thank you for reading this small introduction! I'm looking forward to contributing to the forum, and I'm sure that participating will be most helpful in my recovery!