Messages

09-16-2025
This entry will be rather oblique in deference to other people that might find it distressing. 

With the events of last week that has been spread everywhere.  There has been a shift in myself that I have noticed.  I'm really wondering if perhaps having something, perhaps several somethings, with the necessary training and gear, so that I have a better chance at protecting myself from others that for some reason may want to end me, because I believe in certain things that they don't. 

I've lived in some pretty rough places in my time here in this realm.  I've never felt as at risk as I currently do.  I mean back in the day there was a type of social agreement?  Where if you weren't engaged in nefarious activity and weren't hanging with people that engaged in nefarious activity a person was pretty safe overall.  There were the occasional person that was not engaged with reality which was a physical threat that law enforcement was pretty handy at getting them to a place that was safe for not only them, but also other people. 

I am not jumping into anything.  I'm taking my time on deciding on which way to jump.

I do know that on a personal level living in a urban environment is not something that is not beneficial to me on a mental / physical / spiritual level. There is some studies that have indicated that urban centers have a very high rate of people that fall into the psychopath / sociopath area. Whether it's a "breeding ground" or if it's a result of the high population density.  I don't know what options there are for income at this moment.  However, I am seriously considering moving to the area that is under the jurisdiction of the Native Nation that I'm a member of.   

Sigh.

Wishing all here all the best

09-13-2025

Not feeling the bestest today.  Don't know if it's the meds or if there is a pathogen my body is dealing with.  All I know is feeling better than having a mid level case of the flu would be really nice. 

Had a call the other day from .. I'll call him D.  D was a child that the former spouse adopted out.  I gave my perspective on it being adopted myself and allowed her the to choose.  And yet I'm still the bad guy in everything because I didn't fight her on her decision.  No I am not the father.  Thank goodness.  He's in his late twenties if my math is right.  He had been through the wringer in the family that adopted him.  He's doing alright mostly.  Going to be getting married here soon.  He seems happy about that.  Then the conversation turned and he was dropping remarks concerning the former spouse.  I warned him.  I told him in no uncertain terms and had him repeat it back to me.  I get it.  I do.  A kid and their mom, you know?  Hoping against hope, sucking it up again after the last fecal matter show, and trying again to have a relationship of some sort.  From what he described to me was nothing more than the PD + ( I add the + because I really do think there is a mental something or other going on besides the PD. ) typical BS.  Always the victim even in situations that she created.  Trying to dominate over others .. anyway the last visit was such that D relayed to me that she went off the radar, again.  She'll come back around next time she wants something from D.  I told him that it may be better for him and his new family to perhaps cut her off and don't allow her around, no communications, no nothing. 

In a way I was also talking to that aspect of myself that once held out hope that my genetic mother would have had a relationship with me.  In a earlier post I mentioned that I found 35mm film prints and one of them had a wall of photos in the photo and there was one with my genetic mother and sister.  My sister in the photo was 4, 5, 6?  Something like that.  I realize that for my mother ... well, lets just say there wasn't any $$$ coming in for my care.  I admit that is total supposition on my part.  However it does fit what facts I do have concerning the time, place, society, and personal circumstances.  No lie, that hurts.  It also hurts that if she could have put the bottle down a little bit more, there would have been a chance for us to meet at least.  Maybe she could have started to dig herself out of the alcoholic pattern and even been able to meet her grandchild. 5 years before I met with certain members of the FOO, she died after an adult life of intense turmoil.   I do not have any conscious memory of my genetic mother.  And yet, and yet, there are still certain voices in certain songs that I tear up at, there are smells that comfort me, I assume that is part of the encoding from when I was still in the womb before I went through what I did as a newborn.  Adoption sucks and at the same time was the best shot I had of breaking the patterns that she was carrying from her FOO.  I do not yet have a "why".  I have understanding of the situation, the society, and at the same time, those "whys" are somehow not enough, they are lacking in power? I don't have the right word ... Perhaps when I have moved on to the next adventure I'll be privy to that why and that then will be sufficient. 

D has done nothing that could be considered to be a direct threat vector against me.  However, knowing that his is in communication with the former spouse, I thought it best to not reveal all the cards that I currently have.  Like being a member of the Native American Nation that I am, or a firm time frame of when the site that I work at is going to go dark.  Which is easy because I don't know myself actually. chuckle.  Nor did I think it wise for me to mention the where I am seriously considering moving to.  I do not think that D would intentionally spill information. Like all of us, there are times that the emotions run high and during those states he reveals more than he realizes.  I'm currently undecided if going forward, after I move, that he will be able to contact me in any shape or fashion.   With the changes in postal service regulations there cannot be any mail forwarding in a general sense unless I'm willing to go to a state with a huge amount of RV's and have a paid service.  Kicker with that is any outgoing mail would have to go there to get the postage cancelled which also indicates where it was mailed from.  Yeah.. All I want is to be clear of that whole mess.  The alimony, the constant threat of her going back to court for more $$$, the auto loan that I co-signed for J (another one of her offspring) to be clear from all of that.  I mean I've already paid enough in time, emotional turmoil, abuse, you know? TBH it would clear up many issues if the former spouse exited this realm.  I'm certain that she is cohabiting but unless she gets married again .. everything remains in force. sigh

As the call continued between me and D, with what he was relaying, there has been 0 improvement in the former spouse behavior at all.  Sad in a way, and at the same time it to me is proof that it was not me that was the toxic ( insert cussing here ).  Vindicated in a small way perhaps.

Well, I need to go get laundry done, and I think a shower would be nice.

Wishing all here all the best.

09-10-2025

Starting to feel better physically.  Don't know if I had a pathogen of some kind or if my being under the weather is from the BP meds.  The last few days.. bleh.   Am starting to explore different user name that would better reflect where I'm at on my path.

Short rant: 

In all the Dr. Appts, 2 visits to emergency rooms, not a single medical professional mentioned anything concerning a "cause" of the hypertension.  Just pushing chemicals that have a list of side effects longer than my arm.  (insert long and colorful cuss phrases here)  Making comments about weight and diet when there is no idea of my bone density / actual muscle to fat ratio.  Yeesh.   

Rant over:

Another meeting about the upper ups "spinning down" the site that I work at.  More smoke / mirrors is my take on the newest date.  If history predicts future performance, they are still going to be messing about 3 years from now.  From a business perspective, not one single thing that they have done since they acquired us, makes a single lick of sense.  Someone, somewhere, has gotten something stuck up their anal cavity that they don't know how to turn on / remove.   Add in that they paid a premium and have been losing $$$ ... the idea that doing something that will result in significant losses for at least 5 years or more, like *? 

Sigh.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker that is 10-15 years older than I and somehow we ended up doing a compare contrast with the now and what was remembered from earlier times.  What really struck me was his comments concerning society (in general).  He's first gen naturalized citizen.  this also fed into other conversations with other co-workers that are 20 ish years younger than I that were not directly about "society" those conversations were concerning aspects that to me led back to society / the bureaucratic system of control.  In all cases the sentiment was the same.  * has happened? 

From current vehicles that have been turned into short lived transport modules and data mining access points that are locked out for repair or even maintenance to something that used to be simple like traveling in country via a plane ride.  The hoops that a person has to jump through to get their own money out of a bank and then on the other side all the back end reporting the bank does all in the name of "safety" from those evil nasty drug dealers all the while B 0f A bank has made trillions on washing drug money and they are not only allowed to stay open, they only got fined in the millions for the "violation".  Seems to me that ethics are way more flexible than what the message to me is.  Won't even get into the area of "laws" which have been weaponized such that because of my gender, age, assumed ethnic background, I would be treated as guilty and then have to prove my innocence.  Yeah, that sticks in my craw.

On the better side, was able to get to the right people in the right places at the right time for that the $$$ owed to the hospitals are something that I can afford!  The car is still running really well.  Do have a set of ignition wires to install.  Temperatures are cooling off which will let me have more outside time.  Do have to cut back some grass this weekend and maybe start inspecting the flexible lines underneath the new to me car. 

Wishing all here all the best

Hi Chart.

The trick was to brace a breaker bar with the proper sized socket against a frame member and bump the starter. 

I'm glad that you had a good laugh.  Alan Watts had the idea that laughter was a short cut to get out of the "ego" for a moment.

I've always known that humans are a pattern replication machine.  Programming gets implanted and then that pattern repeats.  Add in the power of language, I mean hypnosis is a state of suggestibility that is brought about language, which makes me wonder about how language gets used to do mind / emotional / spiritual manipulation on unsuspecting people. If one thinks of human society over the span of history with a critical eye, to me it appears at this time that the allegiance to the tribe and the socialization of people to the tribe got hijacked.  And like taxes once something became implemented, that something never gets removed.  Here in the USA.. just take a look at the federal government.  From 1776 till now?     Lordy, what expansion!

Looking at the last 3 serious relationships I've had, the pattern is there in the partners that I choose.  That caused me to take a look at the patterns, at the 'why' those particular gals were chosen by me.  Then the idea that perhaps, just perhaps, the pattern that I had been following wasn't something innate.  That it had been imposed on me.  Which I'm still considering. 

The algo off a guest YT offered up a video done by Marina Karolova.  I watched everything that she has put out and while I don't agree with everything, the ideas she has are intriguing.

I have some prep work to do for work tomorrow.

Wishing all here all the best.

09-04-2025

There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

   
Totally with you on that one!

Hi Chart.

I'm considering the "what if" of what I am perceiving in regards to the social sphere, may extend to all other spheres of influence that a human interacts with.  thinking about how it seems to boil down to object / subject interactions.  At what point did I stop being a free range human and become an inanimate object that can be classified, objectified, dissected, or ??   

Mandatory state "education" which was what? Was it learning or was it indoctrination with a side order of propaganda?  90-95% of what subjects did I sit through hours of my life for that I do not use. Where did the idea that as a living breathing entity with free will, that someone else, another human or bureaucracy has the { authority } to judge me, to sentence me to whatever the h3-- labels are in vogue at that time?  Where is the point where I am enough, where I do not have to engage in a massive action of development all the stinking time because of a belief system that was imposed upon me rather than arising naturally out of my own self?

Where did the message that I'm not enough as I am come from?  The dogma that was dressed up as religion I was exposed to, openly stated that unless I submitted to a "higher being" and that being gave me a pass, I'm screwed over for eternity.  The thing that really got to me was the concept that if a wee one wasn't baptized and dies, that the wee one would go to Hades forever.  The whole "original sin" idea.   Being raised in a family of genetic strangers, and the story that my genetic donors were not married, well now.. I'm screwed blued and tattooed out the gate.  As if the whole original sin thing wasn't enough of a mind job.   

I thought long and hard about the "sins of the father being visited upon his children for 7 generations".  Family dynamics in full force.  Growing up with a PD parent, or parental substance abuse, which are two of many examples, and to the kid that's the 'normal' and that pattern gets recreated, right?  Extrapolated out into every area of human experience ..        

Pattern, Pattern, where is the hidden pattern behind all of this?  Do all these patterns point to a singular causal point? 

So much of this fecal matter gets internalized and we don't know it, we are not aware of how internalized the programming is.  We become an unwitting cog in the overall 'system' that exists to maintain it's self and it cares not one whit for the people that it grinds up and spits out alive or otherwise.   

To me anyway, this also explains the NPC theory. 

Wishing all here all the best.

09-04-2025

Shorty today.  Car is still running well.  Is throwing a code for the fuel vapor purge.  I need to change all the rubber hoses.  Considering that I'm pretty sure that they are 20+ years old .. yeah. 

BP was really good this AM 123/82 which for my level of experience is really good.  chuckle

Have a busy day tomorrow.  Follow up appt with the PCP and then a meeting with another paper pusher to see if I "qualify" for a sliding fee program at 1 of the 2 hospitals that I ended up at last month. 

I also need to call the first hospital to see if they have something like that as well. 

Kinda nuts since I'm still paying for the so called "legal services" from back when I got single again.

Not to mention credit cards that I've had to use to span some gaps.  No lie I'm making decent wages but .. by the time I get anything I can use, 36% has been taken off the top.  There are times where I wonder if a lot of the things I struggle with has less to do with me, and more to do with the F'ed up systems that are currently in force in the social sphere.

Wishing all the best to all here.

Hi Hope.
The tip worked well.  Got everything done and am driving the car.  Interesting effect I noticed on myself is my mood is really good.  Being able to tackle a complex task and complete it.. Is nice you know?

Work.. the pace that I was going yesterday, compared to the slow as a snail pace at work is jarring to me at the moment.

Not to mention the paperpushing BS, work from wherever and so have no clue on what is actually going on. 

I'm torn.  One the one hand, having the site shutting down is a bummer because of not just the job loss for me, but also for the other good folks that will also lose theirs.  On the other hand, not having to deal with certain 'personalities' will be a wonderful release.

Gotta go. Break over.  Need to find something to do. Yeesh

Wishing all here, all the best

I reckon you'll get on well with that task tomorrow, as you sound very prepared with what you need and hopefully that will help a lot.

Whatever you have for dinner tonight, I hope you enjoy it

Hope

Hi Hope. 
The harmonic balancer bolt has me stymied.  I'm in the AC attempting to re-hydrate myself.  My 1/2 inch air impact gun won't break it free. It's been used over the years so I'm sure it doesn't have the reverse torque it once had.  Even so it should still have 500 or better foot pounds of torque.  I've heated the bolt with a plumbers torch, soaked it in penetrating oil, heated it back up, flash cooled it with ice from hot, soaked it again with penetrating fluid, went and did other things on the vehicle, heated the bolt again ..

I called a semi-retired mechanic I know and he's going to get back to me sometime this afternoon.  I have a couple of franklins on me and a few more I can get via debit card I'm starting to think that I am going to have him pull the harmonic balancer, replace the timing belt and water pump and install the balancer.  With my heat tolerance being what it is, and Tuesday I need to return to work, and it was my only running vehicle at the moment.  Yeah.  I could do the paid time off thing on Tues if needed.  Ugh.   

And then there is the issue of possibly needing parts.  There is a parts store fairly close by car.  Walking would be .. nah. 

Time to get another 128 oz of water down my neck.

Wishing you all the best

08-30-2025

this may be a rambling entry, or it could be something that has some nuggets in it.  I don't know.

I'm frustrated with the lack of progress I made today on changing a timing belt on my new to me car.   I've got plenty of experience in changing timing belts / chains, from the little 50cc motorcycles up to monster V8 car engines.  5 hours in of actual working time and I'm still not to the point of where I can change the belt yet.  Visually looking at it, oh it needs it something bad.

I shut it down because { surprise } the BP meds I'm on decimated my heat tolerance.  I worked till I got shaky, had food, cooled off in the AC of the residence, went back to it and I was at the point of being stupid. (sign that even with the water I was drinking it wasn't enough to keep me hydrated with the amount of sweat that was being produced )  Had a fan going for air flow and shade even.

I finally called it and after cooling back down went to pick up tools / parts / etc.  Good thing I have a long weekend to do this in.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have to look at the noise ordinance because I will have to use some air tools which require a compressor which is loud.  Seems like I can go hot @ 6AM.      I'll dig out the tools etc before hand and get everything prepped so when it hits 6:05AM I can fire up the air compressor.   

I'm debating on ordering pizza for dinner or not. 

Sigh.  Need to go shower and start attempting to wind down do I can get my sleep in to be fresh for tomorrow.

Wishing all here all the best

How comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves?

This speaks to me, a lot.  I can truly relate to this. The injustice of it is mind boggling to me.

Hi naturelovr. It can be a mind job for sure.  What helps me is that I fall back onto the 3 C's.  I didn't cause it.  I cannot control it.  I cannot cure it. 

That to me means that other person is responsible for the story that they tell to themselves about the other people, places, things, events, and themselves to themselves. Always the victim no matter if they caused the situation to begin with.

How do I bear any responsibility as long as I'm not acting like an a--hat?  Not being rude or short.  Acting in ways that show consideration to others.  And yet,  I'm sure that you have ran across people that are the professional victim.  Or people that are being complete and total jerks and when someone calls them out for their fecal matter behavior they DARVO to maintain their sense of somehow being superior.

No lie it took me a while to make the leap from applying the 3 C's generally speaking rather than specifically to BPDs.  (or other such disturbed individuals)  As a result I've found myself more at ease and confident when interacting with others in my daily life.  Which surprisingly has moved most interactions into the positive.  The occasional interaction that isn't doesn't get me down because I know how I conducted myself. 

It's very freeing actually.

Chart,

Hollyweird is dying in my opinion.  Pretty much anything from the "entertainment" industry is garbage.  Starting about 2010.  I've started going through Archive(dot)org and there are some good movies available for free to watch.  If your YT fu is decent there are old TV shows available.  Hee Haw is a good one.  Mash is pretty good until the last few seasons.  Carol Burnett show, I love Lucy. All in the family. Andy Griffin show,   IMO the "woke" mind virus has infected all of them and I don't think that they deserve any of my $$$.  Depending on the web browser if you have ad block engaged then you don't have to watch any ads.  A lot of the movies on Archive are free to download. 

I'm still salty about the book.  To me as a child, a library was a wonderful place.  And that single thing.. ugghhh.

I'm starting to watch anime.  The sub titles can be a bit weird. There are series that fit pretty good for my mood.  Something slow, slice of life, adventure, action, scifi, alternate worlds or whatever. 

There is a reason that manga and anime are kicking hollyweird's butt.  Even in movies Godzilla - 1 or is it - zero?  Anyway, good movie.

Hopefully you can find some entertainment that you can enjoy Chart.

08-25-25

On a break at work.  Listening to some Alan Watts while I have been engaged in busy work to keep the bureaucratic system fed. 

This is the 3rd day since the Dr increased the mg on one of the BP meds.  Seriously messing with perceptions.  Vision and reflexes still seem to be decent so I'm safe to drive.  The effects .. even with coffee and nicotine I still feel as if I'm not fully awake.  Very odd, at times disconcerting.

Was in contemplation over the weekend and several things became clear for me.  How comfortable am I with the concept that I have 0 input at all in whether or not other people cast me in the villain role in the story that they are telling themselves about themselves?  Convincing those aspects within that we were not the cause of the behaviors of those so called adults had done which did push me on a emotional level d--n near the point of madness.  Actually, there may have been a time or three that I was there.  How I made it back I have no idea at all. 

The forgiveness of self, not from self to self, but from self and other.  Like most, there were outlooks, precepts, impressions, and at times direct commands from those who as a child I looked to as every child does, and finally recognizing how F'ed up most of that was. The transmission of the sins of the parents to the child.. Nature and Nurture both do this.  DNA you know?  Even though as a child I was doing what I was wired to do biologically, a lot of that input was toxic and not good for health and wellness.  I forgave myself for that.  I know that it really doesn't make a logical sense and yet having the self - compassion to do that, you know? 

I also realized that for me personally, being in a metro area isn't that great for me.  I know that I'm safe and also capable.  Thing is the low level energy that churns, froths, and to my sense is chaotic,  has the effect of having me on a certain level of threat awareness all the time.  It's not an anxiety thing it's rather being at a certain level of focus? that isn't conducive to relaxation.  I know that most folks are not nefarious in nature.  Its rather that the chaos and the wondering that somehow the former spouse might find me.  Which I also realize is a hold over from the experiences that I survived.  Which is also a driver in wanting to move to a different state and / or going overseas.  Admittedly the evidence that could be used to track me down is rather scant and if I can take action to fade into the shear mass of information available... The idea is security through obscurity.  Or rather like martial arts, best way to not get hit is to not be where the fist is.

Break over and need to get back after it.

Wishing all here, all the best 

08-24-25

Today on this episode of .. Small attempt at some levity.  I don't know if this is something that happens with others or if it's a indication for only myself that I'm getting more discerning.  Took a pretty decent step yesterday and got a public library card.  I realized that yes while I was young, reading was a form of escapism for the emotional turmoil I was going through at the time.  Still got a lot of benefit out of it though. 

Had made up my mind to reenter the reading sphere with actual physical books ergo the library card.  I went through the book stacks and picked up a 431 page tome and I was just so turned off by it. Supposedly it's a sci-fi book.  Very disappointed in it.  I got through the first couple of chapters and how do I phrase this?  The author definitely has an agenda that he is pushing and due to that the story isn't good.  Not good at all.  I could also pick up that the author also was influenced by certain formats of a particular era's video entertainment. Really? 4 major characters in the first chapter and each character gets their own chapter?   Sigh.  I want to be entertained, not preached at.  I don't savvy, where did the authors that could spin a good entertaining tall tale go?  Did the culture shift in regards to the urban mono-culture cancel them?  Or make it such that they couldn't even get into the markets?

Noticed that I have also been having the same reaction to video entertainment.  When I fire up a movie, I want to be entertained not preached at.  I want a good story, characters that I can actually relate to in some way, characters that go through a arc, and to be honest the current situation is such that I'm burned out on even trying to watch anything. 

In some ways, I'm also fed up with what has happened to the characters that I grew up with.  I don't understand why the destruction of what came before was so important to the urban mono-culture that currently exists.

Talk about being a stranger in a strange land.  Shout out to Robert A. Heinlein.  Great book. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

Thank you Chart.

Back from a Dr. appt.  He increased a BP med.  Ugh.  Anyway, have some body aches because I pushed it yesterday and today.  Yesterday was body weight exercises and today I did 1.7 miles on my walk.  Nothing that I haven't experienced before.  Growing up on a family farm, it was common for me to wake up with muscle aches because of the efforts put forth the previous day.  Hm. I averaged 2.04 MPH this morning on my walk.  I think that's pretty decent I guess.

Lots of drama at work.  Logistics manager has been let go due do ongoing issues with the folks he supervises.  Yeesh. I've gathered that there are some mental issues with him along with some ones with his spouse.  Well, it's not normal to have a spouse blow up a employee's spouse's phone you know?  That is actually the final straw that caused management to finally pull the plug on his employment. 

Finally got the income tax return.  That was a long long time for not much $.  Eh the bureaucratic systems currently in place I swear are slowly strangling everything.  Increased costs, more delays, more frustration.

Well, I have errands that need to be done.  Gonna do it today instead of tomorrow.  If all goes well, tomorrow a tow truck will show to pick up a vehicle that has a almost nearly blown engine.  Has a really bad rod knock.  It still runs but ..

Wishing all here all the best

08-20-25
Shorty:  Email account and most recent FB account deleted.  Only "social" is X.  Need to get coffee and start putting myself together for work.

I find myself doing more in the real world and less in the digital.  I remember how it was before the personal computer "revolution".  IMO that was a better time in many ways.  Lot's less fear being spread round.  Lot's more self agency generally speaking.

Heard this on a podcast.. we are living in a world where all the important things have been abstracted.  Junk food is an abstraction of real food. Social media is an abstraction of community.  Work is an abstraction of purpose. In a environment such as this, it's no wonder that people are having problems.  To my mind it's time to intentionally move the other way.

Wishing all here all the best