Messages

Thank you for the hug Hope.  Appreciate it.

Aphotic, Guess I got lucky as there was lots of pasture that I could roam on as a child.  I'd go out and go to the pond (it only had water for a month or so after the spring / early summer rains) or go to the creek bed and hunt for arrow heads.  Nature, when I was out there, I could for a time feel peace.  There were water spigots around so I could get a drink etc.  I was outside a lot.  I reckon that I did alright.  Kept a family of 4 fed, clothed, roof, cars, 3 multiple state moves (I'm in the USA) in spite of being fought every step of the way by the former spouse.   

Had good news today. My rent $ is going down by 100.  Seems that a tax was removed.  Shocked actually since usual thing is for gooberment to impose a tax and it's there forever.  Not complaining!  I'll take it! 

been thinking about the things I'd like to do before I am ejected from this realm.  Now, there is lots of avenues that I'm starting to be aware of that just might be a means for me to do the stuff I'd like.  I would like to travel to different countries and experience it.  Nah, not the touristy stuff.  The more legit culture instead.  Finish a book I'm working on.  Finish Uni and get that over and did with.  Anyway, I need to go check dinner that's in the oven.

Wishing all here all the best

Chart, that is the goal isn't it? 

29 Nov 2024

so called black friday which back before the internet was when the sticks and bricks finally got the balance sheet to the positive.  Now?  Who knows.

Still having memories pop up occasionally.  It's alright though.  Seeing them from my current perspective is freeing in so many ways.  During the daily walk of my doggo today I found myself smiling at the holiday decorations that people have put out in celebration of the season.  There was some that I had the thoughts of "That's cool." and I found myself seriously considering getting some sort of decorations for my living space.  I know that there is a huge commercialism associated with the secular approach to the holiday and yet ... The idea of celebration for another year winding down and hope for a new year.  That is something that I can resonate with now. 

When I compare this year to where I was last year on emotional states, even the year before, let alone when I was in the midst of crazy making land, I'm so very much in a better state than I've been in since... Well, childhood?  I would have never figured that here on the back nine of life, I could be where I'm at currently. 

Yes, there are still times that emotions run high for me because of events I went through.  There are times when the Universe has to remind me that I don't want nothing to do with what once was.  Which, no lie, at times is difficult.  Deep wounding you know?  I don't want to do anything that will negatively impact the experience I have now and so as best as I am able I let it go.  It's in the past and I did the best I could at the time.  To judge myself for doing my best I could do as the person I was isn't fair to myself.  If anything it keeps me in that loop of male bovine fecal matter.  I'm tired of that in all honesty.  I will take the lessons learned forward and leave the rest. 

I wish all the brave souls here, all the best.   

26 Nov 2024

Hard to imagine that last year at this time I was moving to the place that I'm at now.  Heard a content creator say something that I can relate to.  "I don't have a home. I have a place where I stay and store stuff until my next operation."  What is "home" anyway?  I'm pretty much already unfettered in regards to things keeping me in the physical location that I currently reside in.  That could be changing as well considering that the property manager and I had a conversation earlier this month in which he expressed that he was going to retire in the coming year.   Lots behind that. The biggest is that his spouse of many years has passed.  I can relate because I too have had very dear person to me pass unexpectedly. Don't know at the moment if he will retire or if he will continue on for a while.  It's starting to look like things are coming together externally for me to take another step. 

Don't know where I'm going to end up.  Will probably stay within the continental US until my doggo crosses the rainbow bridge.  With the election results, I think that is a fairly safe bet for me to take.

I've been led into seeing more things.  I should have been more specific when I asked the Universe to show me what was up.  The personality disordered stuff was the tip of the spear.  Now the insight into many other areas has come on full bore and it doesn't appear to be stopping any time soon. 

Tis sad in a way.  To have the glamour removed and along with it the ideas and concepts that I had been indoctrinated into.. Tis also a bit of anger inducing as well.  I'm certain to recover from it.  At least with an objective take on the current situation(s) I can move accordingly for my own best interests.  Rather than believing some BS thing concocted by orgs that are directly benefiting from me remaining blind to the shenanigans.  As I have been more accepting of that, I'm also more accepting that other people have their own path to take and what they do or don't do, as long as it's contained within their singular purview, has 0 to do with me. 

I've also discovered that it's perfectly ok to have my own preferences and goals in spite of what the hive mind of society is messaging. 

Also been shown in a very large way, How am I going to explain this?  There are folks, like the brave souls here, that continue to push forward towards healing, getting healed, while there are folks that for some reason have bought into the events that have happened and somehow those events have become an identity?   If that makes any sense. 

No lie, there were times in the events that I have went through that it sure did feel personal.  Some of the words and attitudes that were slung my direction from the former spouse... At the time sure felt personal.  Realizing that those words, those actions, would have happened anyway was a huge load off.  If there was a different dude there instead of me, it would have been directed to him rather than me.

Thinking about it, the dude that was there before me got the repeated blasting as well as the dude that's there after me.   A tiger doesn't change it's stripes, you know?  I guess there is a context that I've been able to put the BS in. Compliments of the Universe.

Same with adoption.  The natural born were subject to the same pattern as I did.  I started farther back than them though.  Looking at how the natural born lives have played out it's easy for me to see the where they took it personal and believed certain things.  Not that any of them have had a 'bad' life it's more like they have ended up in the places that their thinking has brought them.  Again, their path, their circus and monkeys.  Not mine.  I also have to option to opt-out of their foolishness. 

With all of this, I've found that I'm far more accepting, much more at peace. Have much more discernment. Which is a good thing.  Surprisingly my interactions with others is different in a good way.  Is it a reflection of the energy I put out?  Or since I have no expectation except for respect does that carry across?  I don't know which of what is the cause.  It's just cool now where before interactions were... I reckon it comes down to the paradox of humans. 

Other items of note.  BP back to low normal which is my normal.  Oxy measurement came in at 98.5 which is also my normal.  Brain clear and the low anxiety that I've had for a really long time has faded. Could be the dirty carnivore, could be finally accepting that I just ain't everyone's cuppa and that's ok, could be that I've finally starting to recognize that the tender spots are not my totality?  Or D all the above.  Chuckle.

Wishing all here, all the best

Chart,

It does make sense. I once read? heard? somewhere that it's the emotional charge that keeps a memory vivid.  That is why hypnotherapists pull the charge out of a memory so it fades. Which sounds like that is what you are doing. 

There are still times where it really sucks.  To put it mildly.  Now though, when a memory pops up, I can look at it with the knowing I have now, which changes the dynamic.  I don't know if they will ever go away, I mean I have memories back to when I was a little fella.  Good and otherwise.

Now though, I can "see" it differently.  Like the adoptive mom.  there were "issues" that were not acknowledged with her and so, yeah it was crushing at the time, but now, I can see how I was collateral damage. I was caught in the slow motion mess of her life. 

Just like being let go by my biological mother as a just born.  Lot's of issues with her, and yeah, there are still parts that still have a very large tender area around that, and on a biological level there is a yearning for her.  that's the thing, the knowing changes the context which changes the meaning.  Again, I was caught in the waves of her self destructive patterns.

Well, if she hadn't let me go I wouldn't be here in the now that I'm experiencing.  Lots of possibles of a really not good type if I had been kept.  Super-Max, or dead or wet brain or maimed or I might have turned into one of those people in her FOO that kept spreading the self destructive patterns including abuse.

Wishing all here all the best   

heatherstorm,

You are off to a really good start by my reckoning.  Like Blueberry said, baby steps count. 

Wishing you all the best

22 Nov 2024

Memories.  What a thing they can be.  I know that I was dealing with a personality disordered person, and yet in the moment, their behaviors towards me were sooooo (insert cuss word here) damaging.  I'm better though.  As I keep doing the work, I'm looking forward to the day where there is no charge left in them.

Now, when certain memories come up I can grin and shake my head at them.  The current one is this:  the former spouse is in the middle of a split, which is where they are going deep deep into the anger, hate, rage being projected outwards.  Standing in the kitchen, she's screaming at me with this.  " I should blow my face off with the shotgun on your birthday so you never forget all the pain that you have put me through." 

Not even going to try to unpack it since the supposed pain was self inflicted.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

Little2Nothing,

If ok with you, sending good vibes. 

Wishing you and yours, all the best

20 Nov 2024

What a day.  Unknown reason why last knight was so restless for me.  Up and down, up and down, 2 hour blocks of sleep at the best.  Bleh for today.  Remembered how many times in the past there was sooooo many days like to today.  It happened enough that I figured out how to somehow do a work around, and still be able to get through the day. 

Been focused on letting s go.  Been through some stuff in my time in this realm.  I sometimes still wonder about the 'why' behind why I went through what I went through.  Will be hitting the hay way early tonight.

Wishing all here all the best.

Little2Nothing,

That's all we can do is do our best at the time.  Breaking generational stuff is a humbucker    Wishing you all the best

Hi PC.

I'd like to share part of my journey in regards to believing that I was responsible for __________. In someone else.  And empathy. 

For me empathy is an built in feature of humans.  That said, empathy has been weaponized against us by people with an agenda(s).  I had a similar experience with being yelled at because of food and how the folks in Africa would suffer because of it.  How in blazes is my actions here affect those folks over there?  Food is cooked, would have to be frozen to get shipped, would cost a lot of $.  Meanwhile the issues that were happening locally was ignored.  Do you see the disconnect here?  Ah but this was by design.  To a child, this is psychological manipulation in order to instill guilt and shame to make kids (you and me) easier to control. Don't want to get into 'trouble' you know? 

the first crack in me where I started wondering about the 'why' I felt responsible for actions taken by others when I didn't have a single thing to do with it.  Closed adoption, no info on genetic heritage, and what little was provided was all lies.  Don't get me wrong.  There are times that adoption is the best option with some caveats. Kinship guardianship comes as first option in my mind.  Here's some of the BS I was told.  Check out this gaslighting, it's f-ing classic. "Your mother loved you enough to give you up."  As a kid all that told me that I was somehow defective, that I was "bad" and if I didn't want to get shipped off to another family whenever the adults decided to, I better do my best to be "good". to fit as best as possible into that hole that I couldn't fit in.  Yeah there were some other stuff about "couldn't afford it, just starting out, not married, blah, blah, blah"  All BS.  Where did I come from?  "The Cabbage patch" IE didn't know, didn't care. 

Sooooo, here I am having the mistaken belief that I'm responsible for others well being.  Add in the narrative that has been around in the zeitgeist since being born, based on my skin color and gender, I'm the devil incarnate, responsible for every single problem / issue / hurt feeling in the world.  Wait, what? How am I making people do stupid stuff?  Ahhh the blame shifting. 

Doing the genetic genealogy which really helped me a lot in many ways.  The hardships that my ancestors survived, the blood, sweat, and tears it took.  Some were share croppers, some were sailors, some were engineers,  some survived the trail of tears.  So I come from hearty stock that have done amazing things.  that started me thinking that maybe, just maybe there is more to me than I am perceiving. 

The next widening was taking classes in energy work.  That was an eye opening experience.  Come to find out, I'm energy sensitive.  That explained a bunch as well.  Learning how to observe but not absorb.  If I absorb to much, then I go to a really dark place and it takes a while for me to climb out of that pit.  I have enough to deal with inside without adding to the stack from outside.  Gotta put on my oxygen mask first.....

next crack was when I really stopped and contemplated on the how I came to be in this realm.  The human side of things.  I came to the realization that the 'sins' of the people, the actions taken, was. not. my. fault.  Like I was a ghost that had placed explosive collars on them, forcing them to do the things they did.  I was a babe, innocent.  Collateral damage from others decisions. This was a biggie.

Meanwhile, being legally bound to a person who's behaviors got more severe every year, I started looking into that.  Son of a gun, I found the sister site to this one outofthefog.website and as I was reading I came across many things.  The first was the 3 C's.  I didn't Cause it. I cannot Control it.  I cannot Cure it.  Which triggered the memory of 12 step program prayer, change the things you can, let go of what you can't, wisdom to know the difference.  But that's not what I had been forced to believe all my life.  That somehow I, me, was responsible for..... Oh wait.  Maybe it's not my fault at all?  Then I found a short story, forget the name I think it's called man with a rope that also really really opened me up to the possibility that it's not me.  That the same idea of "Do I have a explosive collar on her?" 

I had been manipulated by various means, gaslighting, abuse, belittlement, lack of sleep (yes there were times and it wasn't anything more than circular arguments because she was trying to outsource her emotional control) constant and consistent parade of created drama, to shorten up the list, if you mosey over to outofthefog and read the top 100 behaviors, the former spouse did 98 out of that 100. That checklist made me certain that she has a personality disorder. Most likely BPD.  She played on my empathy, she played on my good nature, she played on every button she could find.  It's crazy making actually.  Can't be alone and yet when not alone, attacks the person that they are with. Throws hours long heated argument and then is "hurt" because I don't want to be intimate right after.

It finally boiled over to a point where I called local law enforcement and she was arrested for DV.  Credible threats on my continued existence and the doggo, credible threats of serious bodily injury to me, threats of self deletion, all the while house hold objects including kitchen knives were being thrown at me.  Not to mention there were functioning firearms in the house as well. This was after me being out of the house for several hours trying to allow emotions to cool.  Figured that throwing knives, self deletion and deleting me threats was the ending of it. I filed while she was under the protective order for the DV arrest.

Once I was able to re-establish communications with my mentor, they had removed themselves from interacting with me, until I was no longer with the former spouse.  Many long conversations about empathy VS compassion.  Empathy is the ability to see the self in others at basically an emotional level only. Compassion is more seeing self in others but not taking away the others agency and responsibility.  My empathy + energetic sensitives + believing that I was responsible for the former spouses 'well being', were a perfect platform for the former spouse to build off of to manipulate me.  Since I have made a vow of "never again', needed to figure out the difference twixt the two. 

This is just my take on this.  Compassion is recognizing self in other while maintaining awareness.  Example that was given to me was this:  You have a person that is always asking to 'borrow' some $ and is almost in financial ruin while attempting to keep a champagne and caviar life while having a generic beer and potato chip budget.  What's the compassionate action?  Offer to help them layout a budget, give them the location, dates and times of a free financial literacy course, or offer to pay the fee for a paid course. If they are not interested, then what is the motivation?    My mentor also used the example of the explosive collar around people's throats.  Did I have such around the former spouses neck?  Do I have one around the neck of ______ person?  How can I in this human experience have the god like power to force anybody to do anything?  That usually takes like special facilities with bars, guards, and razor wire which I do not have.  Add in that human perception of where people are is exceptionally small compared to the big picture of them and their life.  There is also the thing of not knowing what the all that there is has planned.  The Universe is real cagey about not showing those cards.

My mentor also brought up what can I do, staying in compassion.  Connecting to Spirit and asking for the other persons highest and best to come about.  Giving to those places that are actually doing the work instead of having a good marketing team.  Treating others with respect.  I made a store clerks day by being respectful to them. He thanked me for that.  Now his energy is better, which impacts another person, that could impact another person and who knows where that domino chain ends?  Don't buy products that don't align with you.  Volunteer if that is your druther.  Shop small businesses that do align.  Farmers Markets, community supported agriculture, donate a pint of blood to the local blood bank.  turn off the talking heads that are intentionally spinning you up with fear, anger, hopelessness.  It's ALL manipulation.  Fear is the mind killer and there are groups that benefit from usually smart people being afraid.  When angry same thing happens.  hopelessness breeds either apathy or violence. 

Take care of you ok? 

Wishing you all the best. 

StartingHealing, I like your deviousness! I will have to look into one. It would be nice to see my grandkids faces instead of the tops of their heads.

Unplug the wifi router / modem, turn on the cellular jammer, and ... bob's your uncle!   

There's lots of stuff can do like.. the flour & salt home made play dough, sculpt something and then let it dry, blowing bubbles, making paper mache things like masks that they can paint and wear, paper airplanes and taking them outside to see how far they fly,  what about mixed media art type stuff? Like gluing macaroni to paper and then painting it?  Who can climb a tree?  How many lady bugs can they catch? playing tag? I even made mud pies with my kiddo, quite a few times. Raking up leaves into a pile then jumping in. Oh yeah, blowing up a balloon and seeing how long everybody working together can keep it from touching the ground while it gets bumped from one to the other.  the kicker I think might be attention span on the wee ones.  I've noticed that the younger the folks are the shorter the attention span.

Good luck!

Wishing you and yours all the best

Hi PC, Chart, and Little2Nothing

PC, I feel you, them (insert favorite cuss phrase(s) here) devices.. I 'get' the safety aspects, I "get" being able to be reached at any time by family.  I'm seriously thinking of getting a dumb phone as my daily.  Texting is cool and all but crapola it's turned into like work email.  Us critters are analog by nature, digital isn't within the wheel house, you know?  Idea for you.  Get a Faraday bag or bags and that cuts all communication from reaching that device.  I'm sure that certain companies are wondering what in blazes is going on with my current device. Anyway, have a hour or two, no devices, no computers, nada nothing. Remember that the behavior of the device is programmed to make you addicted. 

Chart, good for you!  As a possible, there is some good family entertainment if you go back a ways.  The Swiss Family Robinson was a movie and they did decent with the adaptation. This was done.. in the 60's I think.   The Lord of the Rings trilogy(peter jackson did it) is faithful to the source material. The first star wars trilogy. Monty Python tho, is classic.  c.s. lewis could tell a good tale for sure as well as Tolkien. There is all the wizard of oz books.  T.V. was limited viewing when I was growing up (4 channels) and it was in the evening (I was the remote) and shows like Hee Haw or nature on PBS. Then it was off to bed. We would make popcorn and sit and watch for that hour and that was it.

Little2Nothing, Children should explore, laugh and know how to live without stress. 100% agree. Generally speaking the devices have been hyped up and then under performs so terribly. 

You know, there are devices available that when turned on, jams all cellular signals.  Now if that just happened to be in a residence, and just happened to be turned on at appropriate times, {dang, the network is having issues again.. What can we do? Oh I have this game, or lets figure out what we can make with left overs}  Shoot the device could even be put on a timer.  (grin)

Tech like nicotine is addictive.  Gotta take steps, you know?

Little2Nothing,

I savvy. .

Me and holidays have a ... "rough" relationship. Lets say.

As a dad, you do for your kids.  Because that's what us dads do. 

Kudo's good sir. 

Wishing you all the best.

SH,

I'm out of step with the modern world also. I was forced to retire in 2020 during COVID. I've been trying to figure out retirement ever since. I basically grew up believing I knew how the world worked, only to retire at 60 in a world I don't even recognize.

I don't believe it's us. I believe it is the world. Chaos and danger is rising faster than I can fathom.

Wishing you all the best in return.
PC

Hi PC. 

I had a whole rant written up and realized that it wouldn't be helpful. getting red-pilled about the former spouse opened the gate to a lot of other areas that I'm now getting red-pilled in. 

Yeah, I'd like to return to the time where going and touching grass on the daily was common, that basic facts of life were a given, and believe it or not in my opinion folks were one whale of a lot more community minded. At least in my neck of the woods.

wishing all here all the best
       

   

16 Nov 2024

Had an interesting conversation with some folks that were having a yard sale.  Got into the realm of comparison of the new to old.  I think that as a society there has been a lot that has been lost.  There are some things about current year that is nice.  The other stuff ... I could do the laundry list but I won't.  Generally speaking though, things generally made more sense in the past.  At least in my opinion.  Some where along the line, I got out "out of step" with modernity and it's a bit wonky with me attempting to navigate this weird --- world that I find myself in. 

Other things require my attention.

Wishing all here all the best