Messages

March 29 2025

Hi PC.  I put most everything here because perhaps there will be something, some nugget that someone else doesn't know that they need, but once read turns into a key that helps them to unlock a block, or unlock a level of understanding to help them along their path of healing.  This is also the acceptance of myself in that, overall, I'm a decent person.  I'm not 100% bad, 100% good, I'm in the large grey middle and that's ok. 

You know, one of the things I've had to wrestle with is being "perceived" as a villain in someone else's story that they are telling themselves about themselves. I've had to accept that I have no control over that.  Not saying to be a * in behavior, at the same time, where in the 7th level of Hades did that idea get implanted in my brain as part of the default programming as a basis from operating from?  Thinking about it, that pattern is toxic as F for me.  I mean, Judas on a stick, I didn't have anything to do with how I came to be in this realm. Yet, that responsibility was forced on me.  How messed up was that?  Definitely changes the nuance that "the sins of the father are visited on the children." 

Anyhoo, the T hypnotized me at my last appointment.  Don't have an appointment next week because of a family thing.  His spouse mother is not doing well, close to the end.  100 years, which is a really good run if you think about it.  Perhaps the 2cd week in April, depending on things.  Still haven't settled out from it.  I believe that something opened up, cleared out, or something and the energy changed within. Nicotine use went up.  I'm certain that it will come back down Plus I've added methylene blue. Which the primary benefit is that it is an electron donor so that the mitochondria produces more energy and operates with more efficiency.  Another thing is that it also acts as a weak MAOI.  I've been attempting to go full carnivore, yet it appears, at least so far that a certain amount of carbs is required.  Not to mention that I still have a weakness for chocolate.  Still seeking that one product that fits the sweet tooth and yet low sugar.  chuckle

Wishing all here all the best

PC

Being able to "see" where the feeling of "not safe" comes from, and getting the non-verbal part to accept that it's not a 'now' thing is powerful stuff.  I think in many ways the current so called "advanced" culture has lost a great deal of wisdom in regards to the human, the mammal.  Living in cities is a situation that is not good for connection, if you think about it, our basic wiring for "tribe" maxes out around 300 folks, any more than that and our wiring gets messed up.  Then you add in the pressures of propaganda.  All the adverts, all the tweaking of the algorithms, click bait, outrage porn, fear porn, etc... Yeesh.  It's almost like it's intentional.  Not saying it is, but maybe intent doesn't matter.  Maybe the effect of increasing atomization of individuals within the social construct isn't good on health by any health metric you wish to use. 

I totally relate to the "not safe" feeling. I honestly don't know where the line is for being prepared for situations that in probability will arise, and pathology.  Do you know what I mean?  The idea that folks shouldn't be ready for disruptions in the usual pattern of life to me is really sketchy. I grew up in a rural area on a dairy farm.  Blizzards happened.  Floods happened.  Wild fires happened. Phone line would go dead. Electrical power would go out. The pump for the water well would burn out. Wasn't in an area that had major earthquakes but they still happened.  Having the tools and the supplies on hand to handle these occurrences was common sense, right?  My question is when did the shift happen to "that's a bunch of nonsense"?  Next question is who benefits from folks being more dependent on the various systems that in all probability will experience a disruption?  It's almost like there is a push in making folks more and more dependent all in the name of profit and power.  Seriously. Think about what's happened in the so called medical fields from the 1950's till now. 

Yep. Social media is a cesspool.  I've deleted all social apps off my phone.  IDK, have been thinking real hard about going to a 'dumb' phone. Basic SMS and calls.  I savvy that being able to be contacted in case of X is a good thing, I also think that can go to far.  In my case I can comfortably shut it off when I sleep.  Well, the family / friends are capable of handling their sh-t.  You know? 

I savvy with the taking time to unplug.  I've fallen out of being regular with it, I've found that walking, no music, no nada, because the walking and the sounds in the environment is enough.  Plus I've learned that for some reason walking also helps with the thinking meat processing of things.  It's basically where EMDR came from.  I can still have my phone on me but it's not the primary focus.  I think sometimes, having the input from outside is a way to not have to deal with the internal things. 

Wishing you and yours all the best.

24 March 2025

Been noticing that the ghosts of memories past have been rising up into my awareness quite a bit over the last couple of weeks.  IDK if that is a thing because of the brain spotting, or because some of the emotional content that has come out to the T and he caught it.  D-mned nice to be able to speak without restraint and cussing is acceptable.  Refreshing actually.  The loss I experienced from way back when ... goodness that has been messing with me from then.  It's not upfront in center, rather it's like, need to use a physical allegory, having a porcupine quill stuck in a spot where you can't reach and yes it's not enough to put me down, but at the same time it's there, can keep it from awareness but at the same time, that doesn't remove the quill. 

The back issue is also changing.  I did get validation that my back is where a lot of the stuffed emotional crapola was stored. 

Need to move on to other things.  Wishing all here all the best   

PC

Sending you all the best.  Injury is a good way to define it imo.  Shame is the most damaging thing.  Shame of attempting to live up to impossible standards that even adults couldn't meet, shame being used to control, to me the most toxic is when we shame ourselves for events outside our control, beyond our capability.  To retroactively shame ourselves for actions taken when all we were trying to do was survive and find some measure of relief from the internal chaos and pain.  All those actions are a symptom not the cause.  We were forced to take on mental and emotional responsibilities not our own.

Self-forgiveness is rough because we don't believe we are worthy.  Yet we are.  Nothing you experienced as a child was your fault my friend.  Please give yourself the grace of that. 

Been wondering something.  Do I have the stones to be a villain in someone else's story?  Most my experiences in this go here in this realm, have been ones where the, for lack of a better term, nice guy behavior was used.  Including the covert contracts.  Was that something that person in role of mother in the family I grew up in, that she pushed me into believing because it fit her mental issues?   Hm... patterns, patterns of behaving, patterns of mental issues, patterns of believing a certain way, all to say that the dynamics of the family get imprinted onto the children of that family and without extraordinary measures, those patterns continue.  I know that for me, the pattern laid down with genetic mother and her family of origin got a hook in me, then the pattern from the one in the role of mother, and that continued with me because even though it was f-ed up, it was 'normal'.  As such I was attracted to gals that fit that pattern.  girlfriends, wives, etc.  Following that pattern.  I suspect that the pattern also goes deeper than the male / female dance.  How I see myself, how I relate to the world at large, my relationship with money / debt, basically everything.  sigh.  Pulling my head out, and developing a new way.. then again, am I taking responsibility for crap that ain't mine anyhow? Where do I end and the outside begins?  That line be way fuzzy.  Stomach is talking to me.

Side note:  Methylene blue is beneficial to me.  Your results may vary.  It acts as an electron donor to neural mitochondria helping them perform better which in turn helps overall feelings of health and wellness.  Also at high enough doses it can cause a color change in urine which depending on the tap water may lead to some staining. It's not harmful to any human system. 

21 March 2025
Yesterday was second appointment with therapist. 2+ hours each go.  I've gotten the feeling that he is still attempting to figure out what's up with me.  I informed him at the get go that twas not going to be a easily discernible thing to find the root causes.  I'm still of the opinion that if main leg could be taken out then the whole f-ed up structure will fall.  Lot's of memories of ghosts past over the week though.  Have appointment for next week as well.  Work threw a production bonus at me and I figure that I could pay off some revolving debt with it, I can get my fecal matter straight so the emotional BS of buying things on credit.. short term vs long term approach maybe? I did hear something at one time that said that if you are in debt (outside of like a mortgage) there is some base layer of emotional something or other going on. 

Pattern pattern where is the pattern, and then once found, how to break that pattern and step into something new? 

Wishing all here all the best

14 March 2025

Rain came yesterday late afternoon.  It flat out pitched, some areas got over 1/2 inch of rain in less than hour within the city that I currently reside in.  While all this was going on I was at the first appointment with a therapist.  Interesting mix, he has the languaging side, plus the hypnotherapy and edmr / brain spotting, EFT, muscle testing, etc.  Definitely more spiritually aware which was a concern of mine.  Flat rate per session not per hour.  Will see how it plays out.  First time I heard of brain spotting.. had me go through some exercises and definitely helped take some of the edge of the emotional load off that I didn't know I was packing.

Slept alright.  Getting to the point where breakfast is a good idea.

Because of all the events I've been through, it's a normal for me to stay "functional". Spent years with am I breathing?  Can I move?  I have to keep going.  No other options available.  Common where I grew up was crap happens and you take yourself to the ER if you need to.  Farming is the 4th highest in terms of injury and death as far as employment goes. High risk endeavor. Not all the time, like anything there were times you needed to be 100% present and other times.. eh go take a nap under an old elm tree.   I haven't yet sussed out if what I'm feeling is missing the farm, that connection, or if I'm missing my Dad.  Add in the concepts of 85% of anything is just showing up.  I don't expect every day to be all that, there is a cycle of ups and downs, it is what it is, rather it's... Hm, it's like having a splinter in your mind, an internal itch that can't be scratched. A push? a knowing that I need to get my fecal matter straight.  Don't know the why behind that either.  Perhaps it will all be made clear going forward.  Skills, abilities, self, sacrificed at the altar of others distorted black holes that they were trying to fill.  Oft I wonder if the twig can be straightened to a certain degree.  At some level I'm over it, I'm done, gotta get rid of all the BS, all the falsities that got beat into me, all the psy-ops that got implanted so that I would willingly go along with things that only benefited others at my expense.

This also cycles around to the thunking from a while back.  What do I 'owe' society?  What is owed to ___________? What is owed to me? 

Set up an another appointment for next week.  Will see how that rolls.  I know that it's gonna take a minute to chew through the ins and outs and my hope is that can get to root cause.  Remove that one thing and allow the structure it's built on fall under it's own weight.  I figure that I'll have to reconsider my self image. 

Stomach is most insistent.   

Wishing all here, all the best

I reached out to a hypnotherapist and I have yet gotten any indication that they have a open slot.  I'm waiting for awhile and if after a while, that specific one, I'll reach out to another.  Trying to allow the universe to work things out for me.

Wishing all here all the best

Hi PC.

I believe that we are larger than our physical frames.  The overlap of, for lack of a better term, realms, the interplay between them all is what I believe gives rise to our experiences. 

Is the 'path' that we have gone down, the only one?  Or is it possible that part of our path is only a detour and because of the indoctrination and propaganda that has been internalized we think that it is all that is possible? 

My mentor, hugely spiritually knowledgeable, once opined that our souls have multiple paths that are possible.  In my case, the actions I took in extracting myself from the crazy of the former spouse, put me on a different path.  Since that happened, I can say without hesitation that I'm now going towards the core of the who I am when I entered the earthly realm.   I admit that not having external feedback in this does get a wee bit funky.  Learning to trust the self that I am aware of.

Wishing you all the best

PC
Thank you for sharing.

neural plasticity is a real thing that in many ways is such a gift.  Many images of what I considered to be "real" I've been able to change.  My concept of "god" that was from dogma, got changed as I found the gumption to question it.  No more old bearded dude that was waiting to nuke me from orbit just because I'm human. No more self condemnation based on the actions taken by people that resulted in me being here.  No more shaming from the ghost of memory past from the 2cd mother because I didn't "fit" her narrative and she projected many negative things onto me.  Not that I have fully reached the point of 100% forgiveness for her and her foolishness, yet there is progress.  I attempt to remain in the space of I was a typical kid that went through some extra ordinary situations that my biology wasn't ready for.  Being my own best friend, or attempting to anyway.

Sigh. Unfortunately, families and funerals is .. I really don't know any more.  Went to a lot of them in my time here on this realm, and the ones where the family of the deceased got into the whole power play, dysfunctional, back-stabby, toxic s--t was the most saddening for me.  I knew a gal way back when that had a grandfather pass.  He was a successful small businessman. I went along as a friend for support. The jockeying around and the groaning and moaning and the dysfunction, the greed being expressed, honestly it turned my stomach.  The net result was the family fell apart, the business ended up being shuttered and sold, and those that got their payday ended up alone and no better off financially than they were prior to all the BS.  Many divorces, many children walking away and going no contact.  I've lost contact with this gal about a decade ago. At the time of last contact she had her own family, and things seemed good with her.

Wishing you all the best

4 March 2024

quick little note here.  I have been made aware of how much of my human has been influenced from people, society, locations, outside of the myself.  The family members and family dynamics, then with the former spouse.  I know that it's a common thing, part of the survival mechanism to align more with the family unit / tribe.

 And yet, 

Well, how much of what I came into this realm with got pruned, atrophied, or otherwise jacked up?  What innate traits / abilities are dormant?  I think I'll find a good hypnotherapist and have a go at clearing, get some water and sunlight on those bits that have atrophied and perhaps if the root of what was pruned still exists then stimulate those bits into growth.  And along the way also become better in resistance to manipulation / propaganda.

Would be nice to be able to use plant teachers.  Perhaps in the future.

Wishing all the best to all the brave souls here

Chart,

In some ways the same in some not so much    Considering that all of this here, it's just ones and zero's that reside on some storage device somewhere that's connected to the interwebs.  It's us humans that give meaning you know?  Spoken or written language is a pale pale thing when using it to attempt to explain experiences that fall outside the "norm".  Even poetry, which is better conveying the emotional context but even then.. Ahh the paradox raises it's head again, have a mystical experience and know without doubt the connectedness of everything everywhere and the words cannot do it justice no matter how many is used.

Wishing you all the best 

3-1-25
Chart, yep we get learned up really fast when that 'something' inside fires off a warning aaannnddd we don't pay attention, and the situation(s) come back round to smack us. 

PC, being in a hypnotic state is a part and parcel of being human.  It's related to focused attention, instead of being directed outwards it's directed inwards + being in a flow state. If that makes any sense. IMO most "hypnotists" do not have the depth of savvy to really 'get' what is happening. There are resources that can be found on the interwebs where one can learn how to do self-hypnosis.  Realize as well that as far as I have been able to figure out, our brains are creating a representation of reality.  that is why language (which is either written or audio symbology) is so powerful.  Not to mention that if you consider that words uttered, that audio vibration, does it ever go away?  Gets weaker, but does it ever go away?  Add in that you are listening to yourself all the time.  That is why changing self-talk is powerful, can be very slow for sure, yet it's also very powerful.  The power to create or destroy resides in the tongue.  Somewhere along the line, that has been forgotten by most two-legged critters.  That's why generally speaking, folks like Louise Hay with her approach to affirmations, the EFT (tapping) approach by Brad Yates, etc. Can have very beneficial effects. Small changes over time add up to some major shifts.   Milton H. Erickson, amazing person, worth a dive to read up on him and what he accomplished not only in his own life, but also with the number of people he helped. 

Touching someone and knowing that good / bad is something way cool PC.  For me I get uncomfortable when in proximity. A general sense of 'eeeewwww' as long as I'm not in my head. If I'm in my head then.. I miss that message. Which goes back to what Chart mentioned. 

I don't agree with everything Alan Watts has put out, and yet I have found nuggets that have helped me a great deal.  His take on attention for me is spot on. The knowing that the witness within, that part that is aware of all the monkey mind chatter, and yet doesn't get trapped in it, to me that awareness is the interface between the spirit and material. Hypnosis is a method of many, to get to a level that is twixt spirit and material and there are many levels there. There are documented cases in the clinical hypnosis literature where that awareness was accessed, and the results were amazing. Serious health conditions gone, addictions gone, like the human got a refresh, all the negative from a human perspective got flushed and the being at the root was then able to more fully express.

I am going to attempt to explain what is meant when I use the term spiral. It's not only a spiritual term it's actually what the Earth is doing in it's orbit. The sun is in orbit around the center of the milky way, and Earth is going around the sun, but since the sun is moving, the earth traces a spiral path through space.  It is not a negative thing, rather I use it to mean that on my path, there are similar situations that arise because I haven't learned that lesson yet or if I have learned the lesson, there is a deeper understanding that I need to obtain or I need to learn how to bring about changes in self to finally be done with it. 

You know, while the 'science' has provided us with some really cool things, there have been lots of concepts that have taken root in the collective unconscious, like the universe is a clockwork mechanism, that the physical reality is "it" that there isn't anything beyond that, and most da--ing of all is the idea that we are here because of some random chance thing. I'm here for some reason. What the reason(s) is I cannot say. Perhaps the reason(s) are beyond my limited human understanding. Same with the 'why' I experienced what I have experienced.  At least now there is the concept that consciousness, awareness is a fundamental property of the Universe. Thank you quantum physics folks.  To me that circles back to Animism, shamanism, Shinto, oh so many of the old ways,  Which also fits with beings that are not in the physical that love us and they come to check in to see how we are doing.     

Wishing all here all the best

Feb 28 2025

Hi PC!  How you been?  Sending all the best your direction. Let me see if I can 'splain a bit.

At one time I was going to a hypnotherapist.  I think I still have her induction / boosting self belief cassette somewhere.  Need to get the tech to play it.  Anyway, there was this one time when I was in the hypnotic state, and that something inside took off like a bullet, going back through events that I had been through.  The only commonality was the emotional context of the events.  She finally was able to get me out of that state, after I got the info concerning some of the choices that my 1st mother had been considering. That was a mind F.  What is really odd about that is that there was nothing concerning the time period I spent in fostering? Orphanage? 9 months and is still a black hole, no info / intel on that at all.

Did explain the why behind for the longest time I didn't feel like I should have been in this realm as a youngling.  I have understanding now but going through that... with the add on of the preverbal loss / grief of being born and then no momma, + the BS from the society that I was brought up in (the lies around how I came to be, the lies around how I came to be "placed", at times I consider adoption in many respects the same as human trafficking, except it's legal corruption ) and the dogma associated with certain Xtain groups and 2cd mother's mental / emotional issues. I understand that as humans we tweak memories around but holy editing Batman! The baby book that she started contradicted 90-95% of the stories that she had told me concerning my growth milestones. sigh. Turns out I was physically advanced, already walking, working on running, attempting to talk, etc.  Oft times I wonder the why behind what is sooooo desperately crappy about reality that some of us humans go to such great lengths to live in a false, created, narrative. Maybe it's a guy thing. To me there are events and then there are the emotions around the events. Being pissed off because a flood happened isn't going to help clean up, you know?   I had no choice but to go through it I reckon. Another one of those why? For what reason? Maybe one day I will have understanding about that.   One h--l of a beginning for a hero's journey.  Also no wonder that I wanted to be vulcan.  The OG Trek was on re-runs and I was a big big fan.

What I have been going through is similar to that emotional chain that links, at least in me, certain events together.  With my doggo going over the rainbow bridge, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, that he's healthy and happy and getting along with those 4 legged that has gone before.  Even now there are times that the silence still gets really loud.  That loss -> loss of marriage -> loss of what might have been -> loss of other people, places, critters -> loss of situations, jobs, opportunities -> (quoting SuperTramp) -> loss of what I could have been if I would have had more time. 

Not complaining. That all of this is coming up, I cautiously allow myself to feel the emotion,  which drains the juice out of it and another chunk is resolved, another part of the weight is dropped, and a bit more healing up happens.   {well, as a youngling, I was taught to be in fear of myself, fear of my capabilities at every level, which isn't innate to me, it was a projection of those who were not prepared / didn't know how to parent a kid that I was at the time. Cut from a different cloth as it were. }

From time to time, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, certain beings come back round to check in on me. Hmm, have you ever went into a house, and you do not sense with your 5 physical senses that there is another being in that space? Like someone is napping in a upstairs bedroom and when they come downstairs where you are, you're not surprised because you somehow knew that they were there?  Same exact thing with me. It's not like those that have gone on before are 'gone' it's different than having them around in this physical shared reality.  Bittersweet at times, enjoyable at others. My human still misses them being in this realm.

My path continues. Grateful for the healing so far and what is coming. 

Crazy busy at work, lost a team member, and other people in other parts of the org act like that not only are we fully staffed, we are actively looking for work to do.  Will see how that plays out.

Wishing all here all the best.

Feb 19 2025

The spiral has turned again.  So many ghosts of memories past. IDK what the reason is.  My human is limited in perception and such I wonder about the 'reasons' of the Universe.

I'm in such a weird space at the moment. Really long moment. chuckle.

Wishing all here, all the best