Messages

July 6 2025

I don't know if this is going to be a quick one or something more involved.  Guess will see if I can somehow express what needs expressed and if I get there in a 5 sentence paragraph, great.  If not then I'll go till it "feels" right.

Becoming really clear of late that having connection to a person is some important.  And that I really really need to have discernment around that.  There is a situation, ongoing actually with my daughter.  It has become clear to me anyway that for her she does best with more of a arms length type of situation and to respect her boundaries, and getting to a point of acceptance with that on my side is at time difficult.

I am proud of her.  Not just because of the "Dad" thing.  She has accomplished a great deal in her life.  Getting to the point of where the relationship twixt her and I is less "Dad - daughter" and more of a .. she is an adult, with her own preferences and outlooks, and to respect that, you know?  That acceptance is something I need to lean into I think. 

There is uncertainty on my part about myself.  I mean most of my life has been spent in, for lack of a better term, reflection of what those around me expectations were.  One of those things that is never mentioned when it comes to folks that have been adopted into non-genetic family structures.  Maybe that narrative is changing now.  At the time I went through that event though.. As born too .. Indeed complete and utter BS.  I know that in many ways that happens because us humans are wired for family, then clan, then tribe.  The idea of a nation-state is a grafting on to that base structure.  Even in modern society, the
tribal nature still comes out.  A sportsball team, a hobby, a location, genetic inheritance, are you a dog or cat person, shoot even whether or not you follow NASCAR.  I know that because of my acceptance into a Native Nation (here in the USA) that has shifted my self-concept around a ton.  Some reactions to external events, some aspects of myself now make a lot more sense, and then ... Even before this, since it's just me now, no reflecting back to others, I was fussing with acceptance of self. 

Yeah, it's a thing with folks that have survived the adoption process.  I know the saying "Be yourself. Others will adapt or leave you in peace."  That is truth and also has some lonely attached to that in my view of it at this time.  Who knows my opinion could change in the future.

There are times that being the lone wolf in modern society is overly propagandized as a {good thing}.  At the same time having some sort of meaningful connection to another human... Or is this more propaganda that I have accepted as truth?  Yeah.  This to me also ties into previous questions about what do I owe society and what does society owe me?  For the longest time, there was a purpose outside of myself that at that time was a valid purprose that I could drop my shoulder and put my effort behind.  There were activities on the farm that absolutely had to be done or the entire family wouldn't survive.  Then a family with people under my watch that I needed to provide for, keep safe.  Now it's just me and the shift is proving kind of rough for me right now.  Then again, I'm still learning me at the same time.  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What do I do because I can, not because I enjoy it? 

I'm also co-currently in the midst of attempting to get up to speed with how much has changed in the society that I find myself in.  It's really bizarre to me right now.  The amount of inroads that tech has made into the minestrone soup of daily life.  Still blows me away that even a cheep smart phone has more processing power than it took to land people on the moon, and what is it being used for?  Likes and clicks?  The reduction of attention spans, the intentional crafting of interactions with platforms to engage the addiction circuits in the human brain?  I do have to say though that the meme's can be really good.  I'm not trying to be a Luddite here.  It's that I'm seeing tech as a tool that cuts both ways and the stack of the tech has been in many ways weaponized against us humans by other humans. The pace of development is such that trying to keep up with it .. unless that's a full time endeavor, it's a situation where I find myself on the hind foot, and I am pretty tech savvy.  And that's not including any physical effects that happen because of the interaction between the human body and all these EMF that we are bathed in without our consent.  I mean come on.. stick and bricks places are tracking people via bluetooth to see what floor display gets peoples attention.  Interference patterns with wifi in your residence is now being used as a alarm trigger for certain security companies? 

On the other hand, the societal shifts that have happened are also bizarre to me as well.  Having police roll up on you because of saying hello to someone in passing because that person was feeling a certain kind of way?  Has happened.  I can totally understand the idea behind having a personal body cam.  That's still nuts.  Or someone records another and puts them on blast in social media after heavily editing the video to present a situation that was 100% false for likes and clicks? 

yeah.

Wishing all here all the best

 

Hi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.

I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope

Thank you Hope.  May your holiday be enjoyable as well. 

July 2 2025

I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof!  Guess maybe that means I should just wing it?  Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything.  I do have some steaks tho.  I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening. 

My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off.  Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony.  She could go back into court to demand more $$.  The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born.  Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him.  While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead.   He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state.  The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year.   Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit.  I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem.  Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters.  ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions.   He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes. 

Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...

I know that I will get through.  I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going.  It will get better.

Wishing all here all the best

Then, there is f-ery from work.  In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over,  with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out.  Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check.  So that's good equalization there.  Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing.  Sheesh.

Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse.  Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there.  Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up?  Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues.  Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did.  According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.



 

1 July 2025

With the "space" and slower pace, lots of inner {stuff} coming to the fore.  I know that it's part and parcel of the healing journey that is going on.  Thing is at the moment, hm.. salty? crusty? frustrated? anger? and a touch of sadness.  Lots of unpacking and the ongoing realizations of how much BS I was fed and believed.  For me.. the adoption mess, the expectations placed upon me, like when have I ever lived for me and my own best interests?  In a sense I was indoctrinated into a belief system in which my wants, my needs, myself, was secondary to others.  Definitely a F'ed up way to live.  I keep coming back to examples in nature.  Like beavers.  What do beavers do?  They build a dam across a stream to make a pond / small lake for their own purposes, and from that so many other beings not only benefit but a lot of species end up depending on the environment that the beavers create for their own purposes.  And if this is indeed how this realm is structured to work... Judas on a stick, I was lied to, I was indoctrinated into a pattern of behavior that diminishes me, keeps me in a box of meeting others unhealthy expectations. Right?

Gonna have to sit with this. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

28 June 2025

At times I wonder what 'reasons' there are for the events that I went through in my experience leading up to this moment.  I know that I'm seeing / perceiving? from my limited human viewpoint.  And yet, chuckle, and yet there are times the question why?  Seeking some reason, something that I can hang a hat on, to point to and say "That, that there is the why I went through X.  Some events I have knowings about them.  I have a certain why for them.  All being retrospective in nature.  Dam_ede5t thing is that even now, in this moment, after pulling off some amazing things, surviving events  / situations that others, well, let me say that they removed themselves from the equation. Indeed, the cohort that I was placed in by the supposed adults at the time, not good life results, I don't remember the exact percentages of adoptees have serious mental issues, CPTSD, over represented in prison like 5x or more for "serious" crimes against people, drug addiction (all flavors) not to mention the "anti-social" parts like property damage, grand theft, and, and, and. 

Here I sit, in a rental that I can afford, have friends, not many but I've never been one for having a huge posse, steady work, steady income, grinding my way out of a financial hole left by becoming single again{worth every penny as she is a BPD} some family, getting here to this moment has been one long strange trip.   

I remember the feelings and thoughts tho, of the ages I was before.  The feelings of not being "wanted", of being discarded, of that I shouldn't be here in this realm, of playing pretend to hide my true feelings, my true self, the me that was screaming inside from the loss of the woman that carried me to term,  because the "help" from the person in the role of mother wasn't about me, what I was going through, what BS had been foisted upon me, an innocent, no it was 99% about her, and her feelings, and her perspectives and her, her, her, her.  I was the "legal fiction" that was approved of by the state, the church, the community at large!  Oh how wonderful that person is to take on such a burden and give the poor waif a chance at a "better" life. Whatever the F that means.  In a sense, I was trafficked. Reading the social worker's notes and the corrosion that drips from the pages, the whole self-righteousness, we know far better than you, and how dare my mother, a young gal, 20, from an very abusive home, even think about possibly being able to care for me, her own blood. 

Even now, there are times when I hear a voice and part of me reacts in recognition of the voice I heard whilst I was being knit together in the womb, certain smells, certain patterns of life, ingrained within my own self, not only in DNA but in the 9 months as well, and to this day I grieve that loss, I suffer stoically because the loss happened so very very early that I do not know consciously of anything different. The hole that has always been. The hole that even now, with me caring for my inner kiddo's, that void remains. 

The years spent in pushing the envelope with extreme risks being taken because I'm not supposed to be here so why not?  If I die, I die. F it. And that was on top of all the testosterone that was coursing through my body. crumpled steel, shattered glass, Broken bones, bone bruises, road rash, there is not a single inch of skin that is not scarred in some manner, while nothing compares to the emotional torture that I endured due to others who should have known better.

Lady Death and I have danced on many occasion. Some more dramatic than others. Why the gentle lady hasn't taken me I do not know. Perhaps there is that one thing, that thing that I must do in this realm before I'm accepted into her embrace? Perhaps it's a multitude of things?  The answer still eludes me.  I know she is there, the gentle lady, waiting, just over my right shoulder where she's been ever since I can remember.  I'm well versed in the cycle of life.  I know that eventually my physical body will feed the beings in the soil which is as it should be, and that eventually everything will be used to support life in all it's myriad forms.  The grand cycle will continue.  And I am not so grandiose to think that preserving this mortal coil will in any way benefit anyone in the future. If the bones fossilize over some vast eon of time, then perhaps they might be important to some being.  Or they may be made into bric-a-brac for some beings visual amusement.  Either way, makes not one iota of difference to me, now, in this moment. 

The concept of legacy has also been bouncing round the brain pan of late.  Yes, I have left some little something already that will outlive me.  Houses built, encouragement given, a friendly voice, at times teaching, even a friendly wave at a police officer that has to deal with not good folks on the regular.  It is always so wonderful because the LEO will be confused at first, then will finally smile and wave back.  One never knows, perhaps me doing that changed things just enough so that they could see something besides what they deal with on the daily.  Side note. When traveling in the US, and you are in an unfamiliar town, if you find a officer, walk up and politely ask where a good place to eat is.  I have never been steered wrong. I've even been escorted to the restaurant as a courtesy a couple of times. They know all the best hole in the wall family operated places where the food is the star of the show.

My daily experience is overall really good!  The peace, the tranquility, yes sh-- happens.  Murphy's law is a legit thing.  Expecting that things will go sideways and when it does, no big deal.  When it doesn't go sideways, Bonus!  chuckle.  I reckon that this time of not having another being around is a needful thing.  It allows me the space and depth to perceive inner things, do inner work, because there isn't something external I can use as an excuse to not tend to myself. I don't know what the future is bringing.  I do know however that I want to be around to see it.  My mind is still attempting to grasp that I, me, who grew up with no tribe, no connection to even the idea of nation, and now I have both?  And a language that I think would be really cool for me to learn?  Holy Spitballs!  And! the nation has it's own webpage / socials and I've been looking at the pictures and in the occasional image, I see people that I feel I should recognize, Almost like they in many respects, look like me.  It's kinda like how here in the US you can see someone and you can kinda tell which area of the country they grew up in?  Yeah, it's kinda like that. 

My thanks to all the brave souls that took the time to read this.  To all the brave souls here, in this space, I wish you the best.

24 June 2025

Been two weeks today since the person in the role of step son + gf left. Not having another person around has be in a word wonderful.  In that time frame, I've come to a few conclusions.  Yes, he grew up in an environment that I'm certain traumatized him to a certain extent.  There were a couple of days where I got on a jag of retrospection and certain things started tickling the thinking meat.  I've concluded that person in role of step son has a PD of some sort.  I know the overlap in the Venn diagram of behaviors due to trauma and the behaviors due to a PD is huge.  I don't know for 100% certainty, yet I'm leaning really hard towards him having a PD of some sort.  Explains a great deal as well with him basically refusing the slightest progress towards healing.  I shared my experiences, I shared strategies, websites, videos, etc.  He never followed up on anything. 

I know that he is creating his own karma and I do not wish him ill.  At the same time, his past behaviors still stick in my craw. 

Looking forward to the point where him and his mother are people that I once thought I knew.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

Hi Hope.

The Universe is throwing some bones at me occasionally.  If I stay aware enough to take action that is needed for the universe to serve up good stuff.

As an example.. been fussing for months with college. No lie, burned, I was flat burned out.  My curiosity is nearly unlimited, my learning capacity is really high, and finally after a consult with my mentor I pulled the trigger and withdrew from college.  Retrospectively the reason I started college anyway was because of the BPD former spouse.  Well, she had gotten 'into' skoolies.  The concept of getting a old school bus and converting it into a RV.  Course she didn't have any clue on what she was going to do to bring in $$ but my role was to be a remote worker.  Anyway, things changed in my life.  Becoming a member of a native Nation changes oh so much in my life.  Crazy amount of good.  Need to get things in place on my end to start accessing the good that is there.  Add in the former spouse's 1st born leaving, that's also really good as well.  I can perceive that my life is shifting into a different thing than I have ever experienced before.

Been through a few of those.  I'm sure that I'll find my feet.

Wishing all here, all the best

Hi Chart.

I savvy the biological drives that result in "relationship(s)".  It's as you put it " the tenant upstairs ". partially.  Lots of self doubt on my end.  I realize that I am not the same person now as I was then.  And TBH .. at least here the "social" is wayyyyy sketchy.  I remember that as a dude, could drop a compliment to the gal behind the counter, or gently flirt a lil and the gal appreciated it. Nothing creepy, or being pushy, or overtly sexual or any of that crap. Just an indication of "you're cute to me" type thing.   

Now?  Judas priest, lots of situations where guys got rolled up because of a false allegation from a gal because she was feeling a certain kind of way.  Figure that the reported stories are like ants, you see 1 ant usually there are way more out of sight.  One in particular stuck out of the many I've heard about. Dude never even spoke to the gal that made the allegations.  Lost his marriage(divorce), house, kids, business, and reputation. Spent 30 days behind bars, detectives finally realized that the gal was BS'ing them. He got released and charges dropped,  she got I think 2 years in low-security gray bar hotel.  I don't know if the dude moved out of that town or if he self - deleted. because it got all over the internet.. He tries to get a job or something and 'wham' here is all this crapola about him with the business doing a general web search.. forever.  Add in being able to use images as your search? bro...

I realize that it's not all gals, so it's the risk / reward sub-circuit that is firing off.  One out of 1000 or even one out of 10,000, does the false allegation thing, or revokes consent after the fact (yes that's a thing), new thing I found out is a gal assumed something that she was not part of, will claim something to law enforcement to help the gal in the "situation" when nothing happened in the situation at all and that is why the gal in the supposed situation didn't do anything because nothing happened.  Them not good odds to have what life I've rebuilt so far, smoked.  There are guys that strongly suggest having some sort of video / audio recording device on and active when out in public is a good idea.  Body cams are not just for law enforcement any more.

I'm open to the possibility.  I'm not chasing that possibility though.  Nope, they gonna have to approach me.  And honestly right now I figure that I just need to be with myself and get that square.  Then get the doggos.  then maybe .. depending on how the Universe figures it.  Will definitely be vetting for a long time. 

Tires?  Yeah those are a definite thing to take care of.

Peace   

17 June 2025

Holy (insert cuss phrase here)!!

Odd how things work in this realm.  Listening to a pod on YT, and that rolled to another and then now I'm listening to a channel where they are talking about normal folks subject to Cluster B abuse, are highly likely to end up with PTSD / CPTSD.   

Post isn't going to be logical.  prolly gonna be jumping around from subject to subject

Been wondering if my recent desire to 'relationship' is actually that or if it's a slight of hand.  Part of the whole thing of self distraction from looking at myself.  Have to say that being by myself at times gets .. funky for lack of a better word.  Then add in what I am perceiving in the larger societal context. Not saying that it's all crap out there but at the same time it appears to me that it's exceptionally messy out there.  Messy enough that I'm like "nope".  Which I'm taking to mean that I am not ready.  ergo the desire to 'relationship' is just more sleight of hand or it's left over from the engulfment from the cluster b. Either way, ain't gonna go that direction.

I think once I get my vehicle situation sorted a lot of the ish I'm feeling should drop since my ability to travel will be expanded.  Even if it's within a 100 mile radius. 

I'm doing better on the financial side than I ever have before.  Then again I'm not doing much of anything "fun" which I think I need to start doing something.  At times the daily grind does get a bit .. wearisome. 

Anyhoo, did this at work and break over.

Thanks for listening

Wishing all here all the best

Hi PC!

Kudos to your grandson!  Wishing all the luck for the big race. 

No worries about being on the boards. 

I feel you about getting rid of stuff.  I have been going through something similar.  I can say though that as I rid myself of "stuff" it feels like I have more room to allow myself to expand into.  IDK if I'll become a hardcore minimalist, I do see the attraction to that lifestyle though. 

Wishing you and yours all the best.

Wow Friday the 13th 2025

Was a very bad day for the Templars back in 1307.  Isn't odd how an event some 700+ years ago has turned into this "thing"?  Makes a body wonder about many things. 

Anyway, got motivated this AM to start working on all the sh-te left behind from the step-son.  I realize that a lot of his behavior is trauma based and at the same time.. totally irks the snot out of me.  Dirty dishes / silverware that were buried under various "gamer" debris.  He drinks diet soda and like empty soda cases -n- cans piled in a corner.  Other bits and bobs of "gamer" .. IDK what you would call it, like 1/2 empty hard plastic clam-shell things of micro dice, various cards and card sleeves from pokemon, magic the gathering, yada yada yada, I totally get having a hobby, or 5, and yet..(insert cuss phrase here).  And going through his "food" he left in the fridge, sauces that he bought and used like once and sat there until way past best by date.   

I am not the most organized person ever. There are times where dishes will be in the sink, or the clean clothes remain in a laundry basket for a while. The shelves behind what I'm using for a desk has bits and bobs of small tools that are electronics related, fountain pen friendly paper, phototog stuff, computer stuff, it's all stuff that I use on the regular.  Where working on getting his crapola packed just off a one of those folding tables that he was using for a desk.. fast food napkins, straws, usb sticks / cables it's like What the ____!?!?   In many ways it reminds me of the former spouse where she would have storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers inside storage containers, so the external visually was organized, while popping the top of a outer most storage container showed the chaos inside, and the step son .. did? allowed? created? the chaos. 

This also caused me to realize that the person in the role of mother in the family I was placed in as an adopted, she was a hoarder, which is also a sign of trauma.  And the step son in a way is also a hoarder.  The visual chaos created, the crap I grew up in.. Imagine being ashamed to have school friends over because of the piles and piles of sh-t that were being saved because of "it might be useful some day" meanwhile ragging on my backside about maintaining the "good standing" of the family in the small town.  Like really?  (Insert another cuss phrase here that is longer and more colorful than the first one)

I understand about "prepping" I mean I have been through some events you know? food, water, tools, equipment, etc in the event of ______.  But what the person in the role of mother didn't.  It was some sort of something.. Empty plastic milk jugs, newsprint, magazines, clothes much much too small, stubs of crayons, dishes and more dishes, enough pots and pans for a decent sized commercial kitchen,  and canned foods, like no rotation at all, so the condensed soup in the back would be 4,5,6, years out of date, the freezer was the same way, and it was cruft and more cruft and more cruft.  Seriously, there were paths a person had to follow to get to other places in the house.  And then she'd kvetch about mice, silverfish, crickets and such.   Yeah. 

Sigh.  It's not like there wasn't any usable stuff gathered up by the person in the role of mother, it's that the useful stuff, fabric, small kitchen appliances, artist supplies, musical instruments, sewing machines, were used as the excuse for all the other hoarding.  And the "stuff" that was going to be flipped for $$ never was. 
 

The city trash bin is about loaded.  I'm attempting to get as much trash in it as possible before the truck comes for pickup. 

Is irksome you know?   Is good that the awareness of these patterns is happening in my thinking meat.  Does make me consider my own actions and the motivations behind them.

I do have keepsakes.  Not many actually.  I do have physical photo's, I have kept a certain selection of art that my daughter has done over the years, I still have mechanic hand tools that came from my Dad that I still use on occasion, have been going through the digital archives and deleting things.  I mean I don't think I need a resume from 1998.  Nor do I need any images of the former spouse.  I realize that it wasn't 100% bad.  It's that the sight triggers an reaction that isn't conducive to my emotional equanimity.  Especially when I realized some time ago that while my emotions towards her were legit and real, the person that she presented to me was a total fiction out the gate.  I do have a digital archive of all the divorce crapola.  Including all the evidence which includes images of her.  That's put up and is the storage medias are not being used on the regular. 

Need to get back after it.

Wishing all the brave souls here.  All the best 

June 11 2025

Well now. 

The worm turns.  I'm not certain concerning the truth of the situation that the person in the role of step-son fed me yesterday.  The result is that he and gf packed up the vehicle with certain personal items and they left this morning heading back to the other state. 

At the current moment it appears to me that he's not going to be returning for the rest of his crap.  Sigh.  Typical pattern from his mother. As the old saying goes "He's got a lot of his momma in him."

 I'll be surprised if he does return to collect his stuff.  However, the quiet is wonderful.  I may have mentioned this before, and it's a allegory to explain energy.  He could be dead out asleep, not snoring, and yet it was "loud". 

Supposedly, the stated plan is that in a couple months (really interesting on how firm the date is) he will return to handle the rest of his junk.  Yeah  There are certain things that I can do tho.. I will take those actions and consolidate all of his stuff into the room he was using as a bedroom. 

Anyway, need to turn my attention to other things.

Wishing all here, all the best

June 8 2025

Interesting. Without getting to deep in the weeds, seems to be that when I stop holding on to ____________ and accept that there might be a negative outcome then things in this realm move with great rapidity resulting in, (at least in this case) a fairly rapid change in circumstances as far as what has been communicated to me.

Have been feeling the need that having a space where it's just me.  Well, person in role of step son, the bugger is 39 - 40, his behavior in many ways is an echo of his mother (yeah the bpd former spouse) in other words, he's got a lot of his momma in him. In general, he puts himself out there as a victim. yes, the cards that he got dealt, not the best but definitely not the worst either.  Annndddd he will do crap that keeps himself in that position. 

This is the joker that I co-signed a car loan for.  Yeah.  Anyway, as soon as I accepted that more than likely he's gonna default on the car note and get it "recovered" then he starts talking about a gal he met online, yada yada yada, he is currently out in that state, having eyes and boots on the ground, which I do give him credit for, and got a call yesterday that he has found employment out there, and that he's coming back with gal in tow on or before the 10th is when gonna be back, to get his crap packed, sold, thrown away or whatever to fully move to the property that the gal has, and basically set up house with her.  There's a lot of hope and pray in his planning, supposedly the gal has to be back no later than July 2. 

I wish him all the best.  With him not being around, the quiet is a good thing.  Ever notice that some people are just "loud"? even when they aren't saying anything?  Like the presence it's self.. Aura? something.. loud and does grate generally speaking.  Hm, could be that because I'm more finely wired as it were to pick up on energy.. and his "juice" is all jangled, sharp, that would make sense.

Anyhoo, I've got some important / valuable items to get boxed so I can stash the stuff at work. Well, PII, birth cert, some precious metals, 35mm film cameras, and need to make sure that all my data is backed up on external drives which are gonna get stashed at work as well.  Thing is, need to have things look like nothing has changed but certain things are no longer in that space.

Wishing all the brave souls here all the best.

Hi Chart 

With me it depends on the church.  Some places of worship are wonderfully full of peace, that silence that is warm and welcoming.  Silence is f-ing odd as h-ll.  Some is great (like places of worship) some hurts, (like the silence after my doggo went over the rainbow bridge) Some is healing.  Some is a echo chamber of the monkey mind.  Yet just because I can't hear something physically doesn't mean that it's silence.  It only means that my sense of hearing isn't sharp enough to pick up the sound waves or that the filter between sub-conscious and conscious in my thinking meat has decided that it's not important. 

Submarine museum?  If that place had actual subs that were used in conflicts, you could have been picking up on the emotional energy impressed into the steel of the subs.  Being in a sub is not a normal thing for humans to begin with and then add in the possibility of sudden death.. That is some next level energy.
 I know that according to current so called science that is hogwash and yet people react to battlefields / instruments of war on the regular.  Personal example.  Along one of the state highways I'd travel to go grocery shopping a decade plus or so ago now, there was a span of about 2 miles where I'd physically react.  I'd get nervous, twitchy, sad mixed with anger and grief. After I traveled beyond a certain point, I was back to the "normal" of before.   I had shrugged it off for a while then come to find out that the highway skirted the edge of a civil war battlefield. From the highway there was no physical sign, no signs on a post, no indicators at all. I know because one time I stopped on the side of the road and used binoculars to scan the terrain.  The battle wasn't "large" in that only some 500-1000 ish men died there.  A mix from both sides. Folks that would walk it would find musket calls peeking out of the ground vegetation, metal buttons, eyelets for shoes etc. The phrase "the earth remembers" comes to mind.  I also think that is why cities are really chaotic in how they "feel".  Same with hospitals.  Or depending on the theory, there might be folks stuck in a type of limbo and they can not fully get to the other side. Which a lot of evidence collected by ghost hunters seems to suggest. 

I'm of the opinion that us humans do pick up on "energy" because it was a survival feature when we were not at the top of the food chain.  Like deer.  Talk to any regular deer hunter. The deer "know" somehow that you are hunting them. They pick up on intent for lack of a better term.   Your grandpa wasn't picking up on what you were.  That's something I've had to deal with as well.  I'd "know" things (my intuition) or act in certain ways to avoid certain people, places, things, as I was growing up.  Just like there are times you just know with 0 doubt that the a--hat that is talking to you is not a good person for you to be talking with.  Where does that knowing come from? Where does that feeling of getting the willies when picking up a a used coffee cup at a yard sale come from? I honestly believe that there is a type of imprinting on things, locations, etc. 

 I have learned the hard way that if I ignore my spidey sense (intuition), I pay for it.  I'm finally realizing that the imprinting? propaganda? I received as a child with the xtain dogma that being a energy sensitive, being hooked into intuition, being able to perceive / sense things, beings, that others didn't, was eeeevvvviiiillll and somehow against the will of God, was all bu--sh-t.  Had nothing to do with God, angels / demons and everything to do with control in this case dogma wrapped up in a xtain wrapper.
On the family dynamic side gotta force that boy into the box of what was believed to be true, not actually true just believed to be true.  Like all the rules, laws, procedures, regulations, etc.  It's all about control and how to extract as much as possible from what should be free range humans. Whether financially, in time, or emotionally / mentally.  ( I admit I did do a deep dive into the rise of the consumer economy after WW2.  holy 5h-t talk about hard core propaganda for profit. Another interesting deep dive was the propaganda to get women to smoke cigarettes that happened in the early 1900's) 

 As far as a species goes.. depends on which point of view you take.  In some ways, I mean look at the tech that allows you and me to communicate across how many thousands of miles of distance on separate Continents?  The infrastructure that allows for hundreds of miles of traveling in a day by a personal vehicle?  Let alone air travel. Moving pictures for entertainment. Recording of music or speech that can be stored and accessed later.  Books / computer storage that allow the information to be accessed years, decades later.  There's some really cool stuff now. Like everything it's a two edged sword.  There are detriments to all this tech as well. 

 The other view is that somehow we have came to believe that we exist outside the system that gave rise to us.  That everything can be reducible down to the nth degree and that can explain the behavior of exceptionally sophisticated complexity.  That there is always only one direction of causality and that if it cannot be measured that it doesn't exist. Along with the idea that humans = bad. Another type of control.  Which to me is the most damaging of all. Along with the idea that humans are here on Earth by chance and chance alone.  Totally missing the fact that maybe the Earth wanted to people.  If the science is to be believed then humans that match us now, today, were around all the way back to 250 to 300 thousand years ago. Yeah. Mind blown. Many a rabbit hole to go down with that chunk of info.

That there are levels to reality that our 5 physical senses cannot access unless we are in a different stage of consciousness.   Just look at the evidence that ghost hunters have gathered.  Or pets that travel hundreds of miles to get to their human across land that they never have visited before.  Déjà vu, taking a different route than you planned at the last minute and find out later you avoided certain death. NDE, OBE, Remote viewing, Pets reacting when their people leave work,  etc. Energy healing, praying for others, all this works! It's all real. Yet this information is treated as if it doesn't exist because some f-er has some paper hanging on a wall and is a "expert".  And it doesn't fall in line with the clockwork universe paradigm. Which is another form of control. 

All these imposed control systems damage people in my opinion. Which then damage the next generation and then the next generation. And that's without any "personality disorders / abusive situations"  What I see out there is the fall-out as far back as when the "church" converted native peoples to that belief system at the point of a sword or even farther back.  There are many ways to build an empire. And if you traumatize folks enough that trauma gets carried forward in that genetic line. And if along the way you can break down the social nature of humans, make them feel like their life is meaningless, a singularity, a replaceable carbon based revenue unit, on one hand and then on the other hand provide a created group that will accept them as long as they behave in the "proper" manner.. welcome to the desert of the now.

 I could be wrong in this however I think that what we are experiencing now in the west is the result of not only toxins in the environment but also the conclusion of all these control systems finally getting to their end stage. 

Chart, I believe that we have a power within to create a space in our environs that has the same effect as a Tibetan monastery.  Meditation is a spiritual practice that has some really good physical benefits besides shutting down the monkey mind. The mantras also have a positive effect. We do listen to ourselves speak all the time. That's why affirmations that are believable are so powerful.  Did you know that most spices used now were used in the past to affect the energy in a space or to alter consciousness to allow access to the spiritual realms?  Sage when smudged clears 98% of all air born virus and bacteria for up to 3 days and clears negative energy. Rosemary does the same thing.  Sweetgrass smudged triggers the endoctrin system via the olfactory nerves stimulating oxytocin production and creates positive energy in that space. Having a celebration and doing a stomp dance on the bare / grass covered ground or having deep bass drumming stimulates the fungal (mushrooms) networks in the soil causing them to become more active and deliver more nutrients to the plants in the area. By having a party, it helps get more food to have a party for?  Nutmeg in large enough amounts acts as a intoxicant and in commonly eaten amounts helps the liver heal besides smelling good.  Black pepper is an antioxidant and helps in the uptake of beta-carotine.  Peppers like the jalapeno, are pest deterrents and reduces blood pressure when eaten and they retain the majority of all nutrients when dried.  As a friend that used to be in intelligence said to me once " having something happen once is a coincidence, twice is a pattern "  This is also an example that like most things that are truly spiritual in nature, there are effects on top of effects on top of effects. EG small input -> Yuge output

I feel you with the getting clear of toxic people. Whether they are blood or not. Toxic is toxic and it seems to me that the ones that yell the loudest about "family should stay together" are the ones that are most toxic. Maybe if they weren't such toxic people, others might want to be around them, you know?  Same pattern as the former spouse. Fuss and fume about family and how important they are and then sh-ts all over 'em.  Friends as well.  The longest friendship she had to my knowing was 20 some years and that was all due to maybe twice a year contact.

 For me when I get to a point where I'm indifferent, where it becomes that they were a person that I used to know, then I know I'm free of that person.  If they live, die, get sick, whatever and I don't care, I've exorcised their emotional hooks from me.  If that makes any sense. Like when I found out that a-mom passed.  Even if I would have been able to go to the funeral and all that, I wouldn't have gone.  Some may see that as selfish. For me though it was the 51% rule, gotta prioritize my own health and wellness over family drama / trauma.

You know, I'm a touch jelly that you are able to travel even if it only in France for the moment.  You lucky bugger you! :-) I love exploring. The idea of going to some location and it's a different culture with different people, seeing amazing things with my own eyeballs, is really attractive to me.  I used to fill the tank on my motorcycle, pick a direction and either stay in that general direction till 1/2 tank or peel off on a connecting road and go till 1/2 tank and then return.  I don't see you relocating to France as fleeing.  It was a stratigic relocation for your improved health and wellness. I'm looking at doing a relocation in the future as well. As I've been digging into the benefits / responsibilities of being a member of a Native Nation.. To maximize the benefits is looking like a move will be in order. The wages are the same there as where I am and overall it's less expensive to live there than where I currently am. Is that fleeing? Or is it going to a healthier place for me?  It has more water in lakes and streams, not to much soil amending needed for killer gardening that won't need much irrigation because of the rainfall, lots of positives and at the same time, I just know that there will be some negatives as well.  That's just how it seems to work in this realm. You know maybe you could pop a long weekend trip to Belgium just to eyeball it a little?

 Is a good thing that you are finding results with the body work.  Me, I'm muddling through.  A bit of body work here and there.  EFT (tapping) for me is helpful especially when the ghosts of memories past pop up. I've also found out that EFT can also be used to help positive statements stick.  Saying out loud what I am thankful for AM and PM helps as well.  Keeps me on my square. It's such that now if I don't, I just don't feel right. 

Chart my friend, I have every confidence in that you will travel, you are seeing amazing things with your own eyeballs, you are having wonderful experiences which if you think about it, when you first got to France, and now what is common place to you? chuckle.  I'm right there with you in the wanting to live.  I want to be in this realm.  I want to see and experience all the wonderful that's available while understanding that there will be some not good at the same time. I don't know what good is coming my way, but I am excited to see it!  The best of luck to you in finding love.  Me? I'll take some more folks that aren't blood but they be family.  You know?     

Indeed, clearing out all the old sh-te emotionally is definitely worth it.  I wish you all the best on your path my friend.  Godspeed

Chart,

I hope you had a good rest.  I didn't but that's OK.  Usually don't when I have a tipple or two. I'm hanging in there.  Thank you for the hugs. 

Clunky is a pretty accurate description.  Big blocks of tangled jangled swirling emotions.  I feel you about the "story" aspects.  The one that was fed to me was the basic propaganda + mental ish from the person in the role of mother.  The whole "She (bio-mother) loved you so much that she gave you up. Aren't you glad that we (meaning her) got you? and then a whole made up scenario of a young unmarried couple from a different state yada yada yada. There for a while I thought that the unmarried couple from out of state was fed to her by a social worker, or attorney, now I'm not so sure of that. And the emphasis on "unmarried" like somehow I'd have been (_______) kid if they had been married? Like having the state involved makes the children "better" somehow.  Course back then being illegitimate was a thing when now it's like meh.  The baby book that she had going for a while .. she wrote down that when I was placed with the family I was already walking yet she changed the story around to one where I wasn't walking yet. She'd tell that story about how I wasn't walking to me on the regular. Soooo yeah. Gaslighting herself?  Or when I would ask about where I came from and the "joke" was that she found me in a cabbage patch, or that I was hatched, or some other BS thing, totally dismissing it, and me. She did that a lot.  As a youngling you accept because if you don't then how are you going to survive?

IDK about age and memory. Somewhere I read something about different types of memory that us humans have.  There is a reason why adopted folks like me are over represented in the prison population for capital crimes, anti-social actions, mental health / personality disorders, substance abuse, self-deletions, As the sapling is bent you know?  My Dad was the saving grace for me. Even with him, lordy it was hard. So hard that words fail to express it.  That emotional distress, the mix of hurt, loss, anger, grief, split loyalty, joy, love, feelings of betrayal, pretending to be like them in defiance of my own genetics,  all the while biology is pushing the grow button.

There would be times where it all got to a point where it would have to come out. I'd have hours long crying jags and Dad, he didn't know what to do, and his spouse, well she took it as an affront to her as a parent I guess. That was a thing with her.  She saw everything as a reflection on her.   So I'd be out somewhere on the farm away from every human, usually hugging on a doggo, ugly crying until I physically couldn't.  Mr. Spock from the OG series was someone I really looked up to. Or to be a machine of some sort that had no feelings, no emotions. Just running programs fed into it that fit others unspoken expectations.

I savvy. Bio-mom family dynamic .. shudder.  Oh mercy not good at all.  All from the person in the role of father.  Lots of mental / emotional abuse and I suspect physical as well and maybe SA, along with an active alcohol addiction. 

I reckon I'm learning on the how to allow preverbal.  The last few days, been having this feeling of seeking "home".  In all of the multi-layered meanings of home. IMO as a wee one, home is mother, then that grows to the other adult, and then to sibs, and then to the people / location.  Even with the knowing of the genetic connection to my ancestors, and being a member of a native Nation, I've lived in the general location I currently reside in for .. next year will be a full decade, and yet at the moment, it's not 'home'.  Don't rightly know where 'home' is.  Figure I'll have to go find it in one way or another.

Writing this led to a spontaneous expression of emotions.  yeah, tears that are so hot that they feel like they are burning your eyelids level + ugly cry.  Feeling much better now.

Silence. That is a tough thing.  Very tough. 

Wishing you all the best.