Messages

Thank you so much. I've been feeling better lately. I need to post more about my "wins" during the week to help encourage others feeling the same way. I know who I am; it does get blurry at times and really confusing. I'm just glad that other people understand it and empathize. Thank you.

It's that feeling of being so hollow that it would be sickening if you weren't so empty. It's the feeling that you are nothing more than a mirror, a reflection of your current environment. Your responses and actions seem involuntary in a regurgitated, almost actively listening form. It's from hiding yourself. Hiding everything, bottling it. It's like you feel like you need to just let it all out for the world to hear, but you can't and you won't because it may offend other people. At one point, you would have been embarrassed, but now.. You can't even feel that you deserve that amount of self preservation...

This is how I feel at least.

That feeling keeps coming back. I'm not sure if anyone can help me. I've been letting words and thoughts slide out at in appropriate times. I kinda just do and think along the lines of whatever someone else thinks. I'm losing it.. Whatever it is that makes me an individual is almost completely gone. I don't know how to stop it, but I'm about to become a zombie.

I guess you guys are right. It's a comfort thing. I'm not sure I know what my own laugh really sounds like. I'm aware when I'm laughing, and I usuLly only laugh out loud to things I've "programmed" myself to laugh out loud to. I don't laugh out loud for myself, and I never laugh out loud when I'm alone even if it's something extremely funny. I may snicker but that's even rare. Cptsd engrosses so many varying things. I try to not let that realization depress me but encourage me to seek balance, and understand I'm not alone.

Possible trigger
When I read this headline, I had to respond. I rarely laugh out loud. In my circumstance, I think it is from hiding my true emotions on a daily basis, fearing the expression of those emotions because it could one day be used as leverage against me. Do you ever force yourself to laugh out loud because you're concerned that you are not expressing your appreciation for someone's joke/ humor, and you feel awkward, especially if you don't understand the humor in the situation?

This morning I woke up having an anxiety attack. I didn't expect to be in my bed in my apartment with my boyfriend and getting read to go to my job. It didn't feel real. I felt as though I was supposed to be back, there. The strangest part is that "there" is more like a feeling than a memory: trapped and suffocating. It freaks me out when I realize I'm not there; when I'm not in autopilot or feeding my need for constant distraction. Does this happen to anyone else? Does this even make sense?

Thanks Rain, I don't mind at all. He and I actually bring the best out in one another, and push each other to be better (even if that means sleeping in late and watching a movie in our pjs together), to relax

You're right. He has blinders on, and he is suffering through knowing that I went through * for a long time. I'm not sure if I should ever visit that place again, that city. I miss a lot of people there, but my dad and boyfriend both fear that it will be too traumatic to go back there. I think they're right to be honest, but I want to see these people again; I know they will question me about what exactly happened and things of that nature.

I'm just happy I found new online friends to help ease my pain. The most pain a formerly abused child feels is when he or she is alone. I'm glad I'm not, and I'm thankful to have such a patient and loving boyfriend.

I am safe, I am free, I am happy, and I am okay. I'm a talented musician, and a loving person. I am not supposed to be anyone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I can be only me

I didn't know CPTSD was voted in back in '94. I just know that from what I've read, it is currently not recognized. You're so right about the responsibilities. I live with my boyfriend and my dog, and my boyfriend is teaching me that I don't have to do everything at once at that there are more important things than just getting everything figured out and accomplished, that I can relax and not try to conquer the world all at once. I'm very thankful for him. He probably has no idea what he's done for my psyche, but he helped me get to a place where I knew I needed to reach out. My dad has always been one to try to keep my thinking solely about responsibility. He's worried about me as an adult, but I need him to worry more about my inner child. The kid who felt abandoned by him to rot in the * that was my life with my mother for nearly 18 years. He didn't know exactly what was going on, and it was easier for him to believe it wasn't happening. My mother and her parents threatened to have him locked up all the time, and my mother listened in to my phone conversations, so I couldn't tell him anything, and I was forced quite frequently to tell him that I didn't want to see him.

With that being said, he is constantly on my case about being responsible and thinking I'm some ignorant normal 23 year old college drop out. It's easier to talk to almost anyone else but him. He gets so angry when I don't do what I should be doing at my age. When I tell him that I need some time to heal, he scoffs at me and tells me I'm just making excuses. It's like he doesn't believe it any more. That after everything I went through, and the police report and custody battle at the end, was all a distant memory, that needed no other resolution

Thanks guys, you may of may not understand how grateful I am to have you on here. Life is difficult for most people at my age, and I don't know if I could go through this without you. I had to reach out, and I had to find some type of help, and I didn't even know this existed before I looked for it.

I will check into HSP more. It sounds like a good idea. I'm learning a lot. How are you guys so educated on this btw? Especially taking into consideration that CPTSD is not recognized?

And yes, I am vulnerable. I'm vulnerable, gullible, and sensitive. Fun combinations.. But I do need to be patient with myself, and breath. Looking back, I usually try to immerse myself in one way or the other. I'm learning, that I can have fun, go hang out, and leave when I want. I never need to be out of control or staying out until I'm so tired that I cannot drive. It's a situation in which I "victimize" myself then, and that's just not good for anyone involved.

Unfortunately therapy is relatively expensive, and it's not in the cards.

SC, Rain, both of you are right. It's a fear of being trapped honestly, wherever, whenever. It's odd to think that my abuse didn't end when I left my old city and my family, but I allowed myself to be in horrible situations, not knowing what would happen. I wanted to believe everyone was good willed when I left that mess, that there was no way the world would be full of people with mal-intent. I've not made many friends. I have a hard time letting people be my friend; most people have either abandoned, abused, or neglected me in some shape or form. I used to stand for justice and what's right amongst friends at an early age, always trying to make sure everything was fair and equal; this didn't really make me the most popular of children, and of course, no one would ever be invited to my home. I also grew up very poor, but I attended a Christian, private school. I was ashamed of everything I was, and I couldn't relate to any of the kids my age.  It made it tougher to want to leave my family too. They were the abusers, neglecters, tormentors, but it seemed like they accepted me more so than my "friends".

I think about life and what all I have done to make it more difficult since then, and I used to hate myself for it. I loathed, despised my very being, but I didn't know what I was doing. I had never been shown or taught how to function as a normal adult. So, part of it, I'm afraid of being trapped outside of my now safe bubble, my home.. I finally have one of those by the way.

Also, when I'm in a noisy crowd, I can't handle seeing things, hearing things, being overwhelmed by just the volume of people, and in those situations, I always want to save whomever it is that's about to be hurt. I can't protect all of them; it's not my job, but I can't help but hear the conversations buzzing around in each little group, and when it's a smaller party, I can't help but feel the need to entertain and I feel boring. I have no amazing stories to contribute around a campfire, no fun childhood stories, I don't know what makes up the majority of a childhood. I think as I get older, this will be easier to get over. People will have more experiences than just childhood.

It could be possible. I haven't noticed a cycle, but I know it's not always. It seems as though more times than not, I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to step outside of my bubble.

Also. Question.

If I smoke a camel menthol in the cold (which is something I did during a traumatic time) and I suddenly begin to have intense fear and shortness of breath as though my chest is closing (without visualizing the past trauma, but experiencing the exact emotion I felt during that time).. That's an Ef?

Hello,
I'm sorry so much has happened in such a short span of time in your life. Accepting and acknowledging CPTSD is always the first step. I didn't know it was a thing until I found this site. I'm thankful you've found your way here, and that you have a therapist and one who acknowledges cptsd as well. You'll find some amazing people in this forum, and you'll learn a lot about yourself and being okay with what that means. I never thought I would find anyone who could relate to my insane thoughts, but it's not me; it's CPTSD. You'll get through this. I'm proud you decided to post and share. Thank you.