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How about you write a brutally honest letter to them on here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 which you do not send? It helps to get some of the anger and pain out and to state to someone who will read and understand (some of us will, guaranteed) what all happened. That's what others suggested to me when I posted on here that I wanted to try one last time with FOO - just to be able to say my piece finally. Others here asked gently "And then what?" i.e. FOO might then destroy me even more.

Reading here http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries might help you further.

I've been wanting to write a letter like this for some time, but whenever I think about it I feel overcome with exhaustion. I think there is also a lot of internal conflict inside of me with regards to what I want to say (my personality is very fragmented and I experience a lot of internal confusion sometimes). when I go to write my head is so noisy and I can't focus on anything - I just end up wanting to smash things and scream. It's very frustrating.

As with everyone else - I can completely relate! You are not alone in this struggle 

A few things that have helped me with emotional regulation:

1. Physical grounding. When I feel myself going into the "red zone" I try and look for things to anchor me in the present (I have a stress ball that really helps in moments like these - I squeeze it and have even bit it when overcome with intense emotion).

2. Stop what you are doing and find a safe/comfortable place to look after your inner-child and process the emotion. This obviously only works when you have access to such a place, for me when I am at home, I lay in bed or on the sofa with a soft toy and blanket.

3. I light candles and listen to classical music to relax and unwind my body (a hot bath would also help!) I have always found listen to rain to be hugely comforting, I have this app downloaded on my phone that I can listen to at any time: http://rainymood.com

4. My partner recorded themselves calmly and soothingly repeating Pete Walker's 13-steps for managing emotional flashbacks. I have it on my phone so I can always pop my headphones in and listen to it. You can find the steps here (if you were not already aware of them): http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Lastly, these things do improve over time the more you work at it....but very slowly! There is no linear process when it comes to healing from CPTSD, and on some days the best we can do is just be kind and look after ourselves. Self-care is the most important thing.

Thank you for your thoughts and replies. It's definitely helping hearing the perspectives of others who have/are going through similar things. 

Libby - My feelings are similar to what you described. I feel like our interactions only cause more harm than good, and I worry about the effect this might have on my younger siblings. I know that in the past my sister felt like she was trapped between my mother and I, and I really do not wish to add further pain and complication to her life (especially being part of the family we are from). I'm tired of hearing that I am being accused of "poisoning" her mind against my mother, so in the past year I have kept interaction low and minimal. It's sad, because I cannot have the close loving relationship with my sister that I long for, but as long as she remains under the control and manipulation of my parents, I simply cannot trust her. I gave up on trying to reason or confront the "elephant in the room" with my parents years a go. Sometimes I wonder if in the time since I moved abroad, if anything has changed. Unfortunately my gut tells me it has not. For the most part they are well behaved and friendly, but past experience tells me that as soon as I let down my guard and soften my boundaries, the old toxic patterns will reappear.

Blueberry - I am also the family scapegoat and fear that no matter how well I manage my relationship with my FOO, that they will always try and find a way to blame me as my "wrongness" is vital for them to remain stuck in denial. Currently, I only interact with them through email where I give as little information ("ammunition") as possible. The big problem is, though, is that I am running out of things to say. There is only so many times you can say "the weather is good here" or "work/study is going well" before they will get frustrated and possibly say something (I also hate have to be dishonest, it really wears me down).  I am so sick and tired of having to pretend to play "happy families". I feel like this is seriously starting to take its toll on my emotional health, and is interfering with my healing process. At times I have this urge to just write them a brutally honest email, stating exactly what I think, and not hold back anything. I am absolutely in no way looking for recognition or for them to change (no way, I played that losing game for just under 30 years). I guess....I just want to be honest. Ugh. 

I still haven't emailed my mother back since she sent me her update. I have no idea what to do - do I respond with one of my short and sweet "civil" emails.....do I ignore it (I did ask for space after all).....or shall I just be honest? *sigh*

I guess, my partners transition is forcing me to confront this issue perhaps a little sooner that I would have liked (not that there is ever a good time for this stuff).

I have been very LC with my family for over a year now. I moved to the other side of the world 3 years and this distance helped massively with the process. At first I still kept in regular contact with my younger sister and even Skyped with my parents a few times a year. I never spoke alone with them, I always had my partner by my side for support (and my parents were fairly well behaved for the most part). After finding a therapist and taking time to seriously focus on myself and healing, I began to put some firmer boundaries in place with my FOO. I sent them an email explaining this to them, and to my surprise the response was respectful and they thanked me for informing them of what was going on. However, in the past month the emails from family members have started again and I am starting to feel myself crumble a little under the pressure and guilt of it all. Another major thing has happened in my life during this period that is contributing to this stress  is that my spouse recently came out as trans and has decided to transition (a decision I am fully in support of). I know that this is most likely not going to go down well with my family (my mother has in the past expressed trans-phobic views). I know that if I tell my FOO this will most likely be used as something they will try and manipulate me with by planting seeds of doubt in my mind about my marriage. Honestly, the thought of telling them is terrifying. To make matters worse, I suspect that when my partner comes out to their family there is a large chance that they might disown us - which would leave us with no family support on either side. It's a very complex situation.

I always thought that if I worked hard enough on my healing, that maybe one day I would be strong enough to deal with my family, and not let their dysfunction affect me like it does now. To make matters more confusing, since going LC my parents have been pretty well behaved and have even respected my boundaries. I know that I manage my relationship with them very carefully , giving them practically no "ammunition" that can be used against me. I tell them very little about my life, but the constant requests for information such as photographs from them stresses me out. I know that in their minds my behaviour will probably be interpreted as my "issues" (I've always been the identified patient in my family). They are not interested in talking about the past and have always demanded that I "Shut up and move on" (my mother even gave my self-help book with this title to read once, and when I refused, she screamed at me until I caved in!) I've always tried to hold on to the relationship with my younger sister but she is back living with my parents, very much under the control of my mother. It pains me to say, but I find it very difficult to even trust her anymore.

I feel guilty about considering NC when my family aren't doing anything that bad right now. I mean, they are so far away from me (physically), it should be easy to just manage my relationship with them like this at this distance? I can't help but think that until I cut off from them completely, their influence is always going to be in my life somehow. I have such a great desire to just walk way from it all so that I can start living the life that I want - but I question if I am just running away again?

Does anyone relate?

Mine is a little odd I guess. I chose "GarlicMaster" as a celebration for me learning how to cook when I finally left home. My parents never taught me how (even when I asked), so learning to do so was a mini victory for me and my independence. I have always loved garlic so I thought, I know, I'll be the GarlicMaster! lol.

I've always found Studio Ghibli films very relaxing. They often move me on a deep emotional level as well which is a great form of catharsis.

I needed to get a few things off my chest...

I recently just finished reading Walker's book on CPTSD and was immediately able to recognise and see myself in the description of what he calls the "inner-critic". I guess I would describe myself as a "shamed-based" personality; shame seems to be at the core of all of my emotional issues. For many years doctors and therapists diagnosed me with anxiety, but in the past 5 months I have come to realise that my anxiety is merely a symptom of a much deeper problem.

The anxiety I experience is predominantly the social kind. I have always found it hard to relate to how other anxiety suffers describe their experiences. I don't have irrational fears about my health or safety, nor do I get the sudden feeling of intense fear/panic that some of my friends (who suffer from panic attacks) tell me about. My anxiety seems to always stem from the negative voice inside my head telling me that I should be ashamed of myself (that I am a "bad" person), and that people are judging me. I suppose it is for this reason why I struggle so much when it comes to interpersonal relationships (and have a tendency to keep people at arms length).

A few weeks a go I decided to give up alcohol. Since my early teens I have abused both alcohol and drugs to help ease my social anxiety. While I was never chemically addicted, I felt that I was on a slippery slope and that my dependency on alcohol to help "sooth" myself was becoming extremely dangerous and unhealthy. The incident that lead to this decision (which I won't go into here as it is still a little difficult for me to talk about); lead to one huge toxic/shame attack that lasted for several days. Towards the end of this episode, (with the help of Walker's book) I was able to confront my inner critic on a number of occasions and "stop" it in it's track, and practice self-soothing instead of constantly beating myself up. I believe that I made significant progress and the week after I had recovered from this, I felt the most confident and positive I have felt about in a long time.

Unfortunately, however, this past week has brought with it new demons and challenges for me to conquer. I recently got engaged and my social anxiety has come back with a vengeance as I try to navigate through the social aspect of what comes with planning a wedding. Honestly, a part of me wants to elope secretly so that I don't have to deal with people (especially family); but I know that this would just be running away from my problems (and I don't want this either). My fiancée's father is coming to our apartment for dinner tonight so that was can discuss wedding plans. I'm already stressing out about what to cook for him (I'm convinced he will hate whatever I make, even though I know that this is just an emotional/irrational reaction). I'm terrified about our apartment not looking clean enough and that I'll be judged for this (I'm currently not employed so I do most of the housework, etc). Truthfully, all I want to do is just lock my bedroom door and run away from this...

I'm beginning to realise how strong my "outer-critic" is. My OC is the reason why I feel that everyone is out to judge, mock and reject me. It causes me to go into "shut-down" mode where all I want to do is run away and hide from people who just want to help me. It's painful to admit, but my OC also makes me incredibly judgemental of others. Even though I don't voice these opinions I cannot deny that they exist (in my mind) and are the reason why I find it so hard to just sit down and have a "relaxed" conversation with someone (without needing alcohol). It makes me very sad how my OC has made me push so many people out of my life....

This has all be a very hard pill to swallow and I am struggling to fight of the voices in my head that are telling me what an awful person I am.

I'm exactly the same. For me, I think it's a combination of learned helplessness, toxic shame, and a very harsh inner critic.

For years I avoided pushing myself outside of my comfort zone because I figured there was no point (that I was bound to fail so why even bother trying.) Another thing that affects me is that any form of perceived "failure" (no matter how big or small it is) is very triggering for me and is guaranteed to send me straight into an EF, and as a result of this I guess I start avoiding doing things that could potentially trigger me. My partner has commented that whenever I make a mistake or I struggle with tasks, I always interpret it in a very back and white way (i.e. "everything is ruined", or, "I'm a complete failure", etc). Just trying to be more aware of this has helped me a little, when I feel myself blowing things out of proportion like that I try and centre myself. It is really hard though and I stumble with this stuff all the time.

I've been teaching myself how to cook recently and at first I found it REALLY hard to stick to anything for long enough to actually get anywhere but I kept sticking at it until, finally, I did manage to make some significant progress! Of course, for a while my inner critic tried to downplay my achievements but I've been trying really hard not to invalidate myself like that, and, I think it is helping. It also helps having a very supportive partner who is always there to help calm me down and talk me through things when I do start beating myself up. His encouragement and belief in me has been a life line.

Congrats for having the courage to speak up here, and for knowing that you must have self compassion in spades in order to do the work.  You are surely not alone!!

Thank you you so much for your understanding and encouragement. I'm so glad that a place like this exists. I spent so long trying to get validation in all the wrong kinds of places. What I need right now is to find a good therapist but I've recently just moved overseas and everything is new to me here, plus I just got engaged and wedding planning means that money is tight.

My copy of Pete Walkers "From Surviving to Thriving" literally JUST arrived in the mail! I'm going to start reading it now.

My addictions counsellor and I talked a lot about how treatment for addiction often focuses on alcoholism as the problem rather than a symptom which misses the boat really.  Until the addictions field starts dealing with the trauma underlying the drinking, the success rate will remain low.

This is so true, I completely agree!

My problems with addiction started in childhood when I self-medicated with food (binge eating), and is probably still one of my main problems today. By the age of 13 I was already experimenting with alcohol. I remember stealing two bottles of wine from my parents before going to a friends birthday party. Apparently I downed both bottles in the space of half an hour and spent the rest of the party a complete mess (I remember very little of it). Luckily a friends parents took care of me, otherwise, goodness knows what might have happened to me. When I think back to that I wonder, what on earth drives a 13 year old to act like that? Why did no one ever ask that question?

I really don't want to make excuses for my behaviour but I do think it's important to explore these things instead of just labelling people that struggle with these things as "problems" without actually stopping to question WHY such things happen. As your therapist said, addiction is a symptom and indication of a much more complex problem.

On a more positive note, last night I felt the urge to drink (after being triggered) but I managed to sooth myself without turning to alcohol. My partner helped a lot, he's very understanding and helps me see things more objectively when I'm caught up in intense emotions. I was able to lay down and cry for a little while as well, which helped.

Thanks everyone for the all the replies!

Your responses were all incredibly validating...so, really, thank you again! 

It is the start of a new week for me and I have listened and taken into account advice from you (and others) and I'm willing to give this another shot; and even if I do mess up, I will try not to beat myself up so much about it (although this seems to be my MAJOR stumbling block).

I've ordered a copy of Pete Walkers book and am now waiting for it to arrive in the post. A lot of people have recommended it to me so I'm really looking forward to finally being able to read it.

I struggle with self medicating with alcohol. I'm very ashamed about it.

It's a vicious cycle, really. I get drunk, do silly things and then beat myself up about it for days...and then eventually will "slip-up" again and have a drink, to ease myself and block out the negative voices in my head that constantly beat me up.

It's got to a point where it is happening weekly and I'm very scared that it will get out of control if I don't try and stop it now.

Does anyone else have any similar struggles? Any advice?

From everything I've been reading about disassociation, it can be a form of the learned protective behaviour of escaping from the here and now.  "Busy Making" to keep the mind occupied, a form of flight response.  If you are taking up room in your brain with nothingness like "vegging" in front of the TV or gaming or other forms of mindless tasks, it is allowing you to "not" have to deal with feeling the inner emotions of pain, abandonment, anger, fear, sadness, etc.  I've been doing it most of my adult life unfortunately.  It is a very hard habit to break.  This is what I understand it to be unless it is a complete disassociation that creates another person to deal with those emotions....  Not sure if I said this in the right way.   <3

Thank you, that was helpful!

I can relate to what you have written here. For me, I spend a lot of time "distracting" myself through various forms of consumption (TV, internet, books, food, and even sometimes alcohol). As I said before, I rarely completely "zone-out"  and I don't relate to the descriptions that talk of people losing large chunks of time. Sometimes my partner notices that I do seem to "space-out" and go emotionally numb during moments of high-stress.

I don't think that I have a completely separate personality but there are definitely "split-off" parts of myself. Generally, I am a classic people-pleaser who hates rocking the boat and making people angry (or disappointing them in any way). However, there is another side of me that is much more rebellious, assertive, and individualistic; unfortunately, that side of me also likes to drink (which causes a whole different set of problems for me).  I spend a lot of time trying to suppress that other side of me but I am beginning to realise that she needs to be loved and accepted just like every other side of me. It's hard though, because she embodies everything that my inner and outer critic considers to be "wrong" and "bad" about people. The times when she does "get out" and expresses herself are usually followed by days of intense anxiety and shame.

Another thing is that when I look back at old photographs of myself and even my Facebook Timeline sometimes I am confused as to who that person was back then. I think, because I spend so much time trying to please others, at different points in my life, depending on who I was trying to "please" and be accepted by, I adopt different sorts of persona and as a result, have many different contradicting sides to me. Although I feel much more grounded and in touch with the "real me" now, I do still have days where I am confused as to who I am, and what my identity is.

I've read many different on-line definitions/descriptions of what psychological dissociation is and how it manifests, however, I'm still left really confused and wonder how significant this problem may/may not be for me.

First of all, I don't relate to the "losing time" aspect that I see mentioned a lot. I do think I often go on autopilot, but I wouldn't say that large chunks of my day are lost.  I also struggle to understand the escaping to imaginary worlds/daydreaming aspect. What I do experience is a constant feeling as though I am never fully present. An example would be when socialising my mind is constantly "elsewhere"; I often struggle listening to what the other person is saying because I'm so consumed by the mental chatter in my head. I know that this sounds a lot like social anxiety (which I do suffer from), so perhaps I'm confusing the two.

I was wondering if anyone had any other specific examples of how dissociation affects them?

Hello all,

I found this forum when researching complex-PTSD (which I think I may suffer with).

I guess, right now, I'm looking for a place where I can both get more information and resources (to help myself), as well as support from people who have been/are going through similar things to me.

I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to heal. I ordered Pete Walkers book on-line the other day because I hear nothing but positive things about it.

I'll leave it here for now. Thanks for reading.