Messages

Thanks to everyone posting their stories about their InC.  I thought I was the only one bedevilled with the voice telling me I'm not good enough, second guessing everything I write, conducting any too much post mortems on conversations, posts.
I've just stopped fbook viewing as well. It seems to set me off , particularly  a few people in my life who are not interested in me and their posts trigger my InC.

Thank you, Stacey,  for starting this thread. I didn't take your statement as a negative. I am new to the site, to the diagnosis, and so I view a lot but don't feel very secure in responding. I am learning so much from reading about others, their honesty in describing what they experienced and felt. It's all so very helpful.

Pieter, I hope you are managing atm. You are so resilient and strong to have even survived what has happened to you. You  have so much grief and trauma to process, I'm not surprised you struggle. Be kind to yourself.One thing to maybe think about is that you are on a healing journey and it's your journey.  I don't mean that you are alone as there are many guides to support you, but perhaps having a fulltime relationship with another person is not a priority. If you let your girlfriend go with light and love, then that can be a powerful step towards loving yourself, getting to know yourself.  you can concentrate fully on you and your needs. That seems to be a common experience for survivors on this forum.

I've been alone for many years and only now can I see that an intimate relationship with another is possible in the future. I don't want to bring this luggage with me. I'm tired. Time to put it down and travel lightly on.

With love and my best wishes for your journey

Your story resonated with my circumstances. I'm so appreciative of all the stories on these forums that scream at me that I am just like you (emotions) but we have Different circumstances (plot). I'm alone this NYE as well. I find I just cannot deal with anyone at all, socialising and putting on the party face. Im an introvert anyway, I think, that might be up for review as well given that I retreat into isolation as it is a familiar place.
I'm flooding daily and it's too vulnerable. Are you feeling too vulnerable? If yes, then you can put your needs first. Learning to break long held patterns that put us outside life. I imagine guilt will accompany any boundaries you set, even if he didn't say anything. Silence can also be a condemnation. I've been seeing a bit of that lately!  You are only responsible for you. Serve your inner child. It's a good resolution and it's powerful. We have been neglected all our lives, and we also neglect ourselves.

Hugs. 

I am so sorry that you went through all that trauma. It took my breath away. I will try to do the journaling to start a conversation. This might sound odd but I have been holding a fluffy dog toy every night and stroking it as if it were me, as a child. Soothing her. The action brings me great comfort and I can cry for her and with her.

I can definitely relate to memory white wash. I have so few memories of my children's childhood. I didn't take photos because in those days it was so expensive to develop them. So, I've loads of guilt about that. I often daydream, even during important meetings I drift off. I lose myself in rad ding. But that pleasure is working so much at the moment.
I have flashes of the abuse but I can't remember most details. I was 4 so there is that fact as well. Also the raging fNPD I can recall the emotions rather than details. I don't think I want to remember. We were all so tiny and he was a 6'2"" bully. To this day, I absolutely loathe bullies and I work in a field where I can protect others. The rescuer waiting for rescue.
Thank you to everyone here who shares their story. I am getting so much power from reading your lives.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am fragile although determined that this is the final phase of my long, hard life. I'm reading a book called Emotional Freedom (Orloff) and finding the meditation exercises really help me with my the anxiety and the flooding I'm experiencing. I'm also reaching out - breaking a life long pattern. I have a few toxic people around me so that book is helpful in terms of changing my energy and giving me a script.
It's not over, until it's over!

I think wherever I am in this journey I can reparent myself,  heal the hurts that have worn a groove.  I was surprised with the research that says you can reprogram yourself. Another great insight I had was that so much of what I perceived as "personality" is simply my reactions to this abuse. That idea gives me courage. I'm also very fragile! Did I say that? And I'm not used to being vulnerable. That's a place of fear.
Good wishes to all who visit here.

Hello, I'm so pleased I found you. I had to stop and breathe just to go on. I'm having very intense reactions atm.
A brief history. Sexually abused as a 4 year old by a neighbour which I have minimised all my life. He went through 4 out of 5 of us. In the middle of nowhere and we lived next door to a pedophile. What are the odds? Anyway, coupled with that and a fNPD who isolated us and you get a sense of why I've ended up here. Im 57 and recent additional traumas have reignited these childhood events. I'm flooding every day. I dissociate through daydreaming and live in a fantasy world. I've taken up smoking again after 10 years but hopeful I'm not too hooked to throw them away. They are just an old friend. I'm completely isolated as I have brought myself to that situation through avoidance of people in the past two years. Rage besets me on a daily basis. I wondered what was wrong with me until a trigger event a few months ago and I started this journey of self discovery. I just thought I was weird, different, and would end up like my elderly father who has no friends and relies on us. Which is a major problem as he is a primary abuser.
I'm starting some therapy in the new year for the trauma and proud of myself that I have reached out finally to do something. Usual history of depression  and anxiety all my adult life. And poor decisions regarding relationships with more toxic people. I'm so tired. I'm not suicidal ( I know that impulse!) but I'm totally uninterested in life. What's the point, is my thinking. But, I'm confident this forum will be part of my healing.