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Thanks Lakelynn and storyworld for the supportive replies.

To Lakelynn, I wouldn't mind having my story there, but I'm travelling now and I'm not sure I have the time or energy to make it by the deadline. I read it was Oct 5. I'm trying to de-stress my life you see.

I'm really happy that I did join this community. I'd love to read and post more here.

To storyworld, thank you for the well wishes. I am healing now, not just running away. Wishing you healing too!

Hey everyone, I have been thinking a lot about my dating history and I've learnt a lot of things about it. I hope by posting here I can release some of the shame I feel, and maybe someone would relate too.

In the past I was using romantic relationships in two ways.

1. To engineer an escape from my toxic home. Eg by moving away by moving in with a partner.
2. To distract myself from the pain of being rejected by my mother.

I realise now that no matter how painful breakups and toxic relationships were, they never came close to the pain of being rejected by my parent every single day. That familiarity (pain), plus a "better situation" (less pain), made me feel being with such toxic and abusive partners was a perfect match.

To heal, I need to feel the depth of my devastation at knowing the truth: I was a loving and lovable child, and yet my mother and father couldn't give me the love I needed.

The fear, the smell of anxiety, the gut wrenching pangs of tears in my eyes. That's what I want to know about myself. I want to understand. It's all this that makes me beautiful.

My mother abused my love and devotion, using it to take out her frustrations with herself on me. She sullied my pure intentions by lying to others about who I am. She separated me from my brother. She made me hate myself, thinking that I deserved all that mistreatment.

What are the consequences of my mother's behaviour?

My dad killed himself because she made everything his fault, and no matter what he did, she wasn't ever going to let him be happy. She just wanted to be unhappy, and so her partner had to be unhappy too.

I internalised all of her words. I believed for more than a decade that I was to blame for all the frustrations between us. I decided I was bad, and thought I deserved all the bad things that happened to me. I felt it was normal to be mistreated and miserable, and I subconsciously sought it out in partners. And thus I became miserable in all my romantic relationships.

I never felt safe. I became hypervigilant, even being able to predict movie endings. And I was proud of that. I was trained to fawn and make myself small. I lived in fear, never able to do the things I wanted. I only ever tried to escape the pain by dissociating or fleeing.

These emotions are actually the same as how my narc ex made me feel. If we'd kept going, I'm sure I'd feel even more like this. I'd become completely terrified, self-blaming, and never achieve my dreams. Shudder

Maybe by becoming self-aware of these patterns I've taken the first step. I'm not sure what to do now though.

Here's the thread

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15488.msg135335#msg135335

Hey Bert

Yes it's the exact same situation for me. I believe it's the awakening that's triggering all these big emotions. It's so difficult to be a normal person...Kizzie has an interesting thread on CPTSD as leading to acquired neurodivergence, which is what it feels like to me.

Even when I want to be close to people, I'm afraid. I've associated intimacy with rejection and this fear it a lot. It's so awful. I don't even know how to rewire my brain, other than noting times I'm genuinely happy. But it's so profoundly exhausting work. I feel like I should be on benefits or something 

Hi Bert, it's nice to meet you! I'm also new here, from Singapore.

I must say that your self-insight seems really good, and that's commendable. I too have a uBPD mother. My father I presume would be very much like what you describe yours to be. It's so relatable to hear your scapegoat experience. I was constantly being labelled as bad for the tiniest things, I don't even remember them, while being the highest functioning member of the family.

I believe this need to please our parents comes from a place of survival. This compulsive need to be perfect is actually what protected us, literally and psychologically, from our parents' misplaced rage. "If I did this right, they wouldn't yell at me" translates to "If I act perfectly, I can stay here, be safe, and have my needs met." It's all a way for our child minds to survive. That's why it's so scary to release that now - it feels like we'd die.

Knowing all that unfortunately isn't enough to heal. I read on this forum that removing the band aid quickly doesn't work. It's like the wound is still gushing blood, it isn't ready yet. You've gotta remove the band aid bit by bit. At the same time, heal the wound itself, with better protective patterns and a lot of mourning. Only then can the band aid come off.

Thank you Lakelynn! I'm really happy that I finally wrote and shared that with a group, in all the feelings I had. It's really cleansing. The shame is going away bit by bit, like removing the band aid a bit at a time. That's a a metaphor I read from here, and it's been a great visualisation for this healing journey.

It's true he was so bad to me. I think the compulsion for me to stick around was this belief that if I could be better, my mom would finally love me. And like a band aid, that belief saved me from gushing blood. But now I want to really heal the cut itself, so that I don't need the band aid anymore. It's really amazing what my mind came up with to survive, like the creativity involved in all that.

I hope it wasn't too much info too fast haha. I tended to attach too early too. But I really want to find a support group that has good give and take. I think that's really healing for everyone.

Thanks for reading and for your reply!!! It means a lot

Hi everyone

I'm afraid my ex is a narcissist. I'd just like to share one of the many horrifying experiences I had with them. Warning, it's a long story.

After a few months in the devaluing phase, my ex threatened to leave by saying "if he didn't have a good social time soon, he'd go".

So we went out with new "friends".

The entire time he flirted with the girlfriend of one of his friends! Right in front of the both of us!

At the time, I was so afraid of losing him that I said nothing! Not a word to either of them! I went into complete fawn mode and just tried to ignore and become more charming! How awful! I can't believe I ever did that, but I did...and now I'm so embarrassed and enraged about it.

After THREE HOURS of watching them do this, I confronted him on the walk home. He concurred it did feel flirty, but "he wasn't sure".

I was so mad I couldn't talk the entire walk home. At the apartment we shared, I blew up, so mad, cried and yelled and I didn't care who heard me. I've never been so disrespected my entire life! Then I cried for hours, and the narc comforted me. But something deep inside me couldn't be comforted. I was so enraged, so scared of him (though I didn't know at the time). He acted sweet. But now I bet he enjoyed it.

The next two days, WE DID NOT TALK ABOUT IT. He kept saying he had work. I had to journal and process everything myself. I believed that he really didn't know he was flirting! (How! A 30 year old man who's slept with over 20 women doesn't know when he's flirting?!) I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think it was innocent.

But no, this, combined with the fact he'd slept with a married woman and felt no remorse, that he wanted flings in a non-monogamous (NM) relationship in the future...everything just screamed "He's a big ugly cheater and a liar".

And so I told this to my counsellor. I expressed how angry I was at the girl for flirting with my boyfriend, in front of her own boyfriend! (How do such terrible people even exist?!) My counsellor, who's seen me for years, was so happy to hear I was expressing my rage. I felt empowered. And then I expressed the same anger I felt to my narc.

He then blamed ME! The audacity!!! He said I showed no signs of being hurt, which was true, but it was under the threat that he'd leave me if he didn't have fun! And he even said he can't tell when a person is flirting with him, and he can never tell! This is from a man doing a PhD. He said he'd just talk me up instead of learning to tell when he was flirting. I realise now that this is just a was to stroke his own ego, AS USUAL!

And his "solution" made me so uncomfortable. Oh my god. I can't believe the bulk of that conversation was blaming me for not speaking up! He didn't even feel remorse. He was calm the whole time. It's terrifying. A monster. Truly, an inhuman monster. I can't believe I was living with such a monster for months.

I felt so alone, so afraid. Every cell in me told me he was lying, he did know he was flirting, he just wanted to hurt me. (He later admitted he did want to hurt me during another incident). I felt he is a cheater. I still do. I cannot believe I stayed with him after that. The humiliation! I felt so small and trapped and alone. Now, I'm so sad that he could've treated me that way, that he never loved me. Nobody who loves someone, who respects someone, who cherishes someone, would ever, EVER blame their bad behaviour on their partner. If I were with someone truly loving, I wouldn't have felt so bad, so scared, so BLAMED for something that was primarily their bad behaviour!

The kicker was during our breakup he actually told me he had enjoyed the flirting, and that he knew he could've learned not to flirt with women. It was awful.

He really didn't care about me. He just used NM to plan to cheat on me. I can't believe how used I was. I can't believe I chose not to see the signs earlier. I feel so ashamed of myself. I'd completely abandoned myself in that relationship. I had no self-respect at all. And now I still feel a little worthless, like I somehow deserved all of that, that maybe it was all my fault like he said. And I hate it so much. I hate what he did to me. I hate that I'm crying now and that I have to read books on this, and talk about it, and I get flashbacks and I hate it all. I deserve so much better than that. I "know" I'm amazing but I don't feel it.

What do I do now? All I feel is "maybe he can change", "sometimes he did treat me well", "maybe I'm wrong about him". I feel so scared of him, so much that I just want to run away. There's a festival we were supposed to go together, but I'm afraid to see him. I want to see my other friend, and go to a festival, but I'm afraid of him there. Primarily I feel fear and rage towards him, but sometimes I also feel a compulsion to change him. I know the compulsion has to do with the "saving my mom" fantasy I developed as a kid. But I'm afraid to be alone and make my own life. Who am I if not someone to be beat around and mistreated? What do I do if not to constantly heal myself from being broken?

This turned into a bit of a rant. Thanks for listening. I really just need to say it to a supportive community.

Thank you Bermuda, NarcKiddo and Kizzie for your warm welcome! 

I do hope it's true that I'll avoid narcissists in the future, Kizzie. I've had enough of them too!

I'm going to start a thread on one of the haunting things my narc did to me. Hope I can move on from it.

Thank you for the reply Blue. I'll take those into consideration! Definitely gonna keep doing more EMDR.

I really like NarcKiddos advice. It sounds well rounded. I think it's hard for us to tell why exactly you feel jealous - that's something only your Parts (and to some extent your therapist) can truly tell you.

What I can do is say that what you're going through sounds absolutely understandable. Especially because A is a woman, you might feel threatened. This sense of complete absorption from your partner might have unfortunately been fostered in an abusive way during your CSA. Just an idea, see if your Parts react to that idea.

Regardless I think even people who haven't gone through such a traumatic experience would likely feel jealous. You shouldn't have gone through his phone, but you asked for forgiveness and you were probably very stressed. As long as you don't do it again, I think it's alright!

I think A isn't thinking poorly of you. In my experience, most people outside the FOO are very sympathetic. That's the normal response. They probably blame your abusers and just want you to be safe and healthy. And if she doesn't do that, well, honestly it will show, and then and only then would it be time to think about this situation. Otherwise, it's safe to assume they want the best for both of you.

Take care, keep us updated!

Aww thank you so much for the comforting words blue_sky. And I'm really sorry you had to go through CSA. Nobody deserves that. Ever.

I know I should just stop asking why, and I've seen the benefits first hand of building a happy life for myself.

However I catch myself being afraid of letting go of that old identity. If I'm not a traumatised person, then who am I? What do I spend my time doing, if not to please someone who cannot be happy? What do I think about, if not to psychoanalyse and worry about my abusers? I know it is bad and shameful, but I admit I just have no idea what a normal, happy, mutually fulfilling relationship feels like. And I don't know what to do with myself - what good am I to them?

I know all these are fears my Parts are harbouring. They're afraid to let go. What if, what if, what if!

At least I'm doing the things I want to do now. Sometimes I genuinely feel happiness, sometimes even for days at a time. It makes me realise I don't need to suffer to "deserve" happiness. That whole thing isn't how it works anyway. I hope it will fully sink in one day, and replace my old programming.

Did doing all the things you liked replace your traumatic programming? Or was there anything else you tried? Hope you have a good day today

Hi all, this is my second post here. Following a string of terrible relationships the past few years, I'm reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. The last relationship I was in caused me to become suicidal three times, the last being severe. For context I've only been suicidal twice in my life, under extreme stress from social anxiety and dealing with mom who caused my CRTR.

This last ex love bombed me, devalued then discarded me, textbook narc abuse cycle. Now he's hoovering, and I suspect getting a mutual friend to report on me as I've blocked him on social media. He has a sick need to make you beneath him. When he flirted with a woman in front of me for 3 hours, he blamed me for not speaking up. For context, he'd threatened to leave before if "he didn't get a good social time", so that's why I ignored it. He also claimed he couldn't learn not to flirt, even though he's doing a PhD.

I feel so enraged and humiliated. Before I met him, I was working a good job and my self-esteem was getting so much better. I was meeting new people, learning to avoid bad ones, and generally opening up. Then here comes this love bomber, and I thought all was well. But as soon as I'd committed, he started blaming me for his insecurities. It was so awful! I felt confused and there was literally nothing I could do to fix it for him! He refused to take responsibility or any blame for anything wrong. All he wanted was to feel superior in every fight. I think he was so abusive.

I feel it's so unlucky that when I opened up I found such a horrible human being to attach to. But at the same time it's hard to find good people who won't abuse me. I know I have a pattern of hiding my feelings, but so many people who are good to me I find hard to open up to. I am doing that now, bit by bit, but it's so hard. The good people are immediately validating, kind and empathetic. It's so foreign and unsettling, I don't know what to say to them - thank you? I just feel like I don't deserve it.

Whenever I experience this goodness, I just want to cry. It feels like all my suffering with my ex and abusive mother was optional. Why did all that pain happen? I feel like they hurt me, over and over. Even now my ex is trying to hurt me with hoovering (lies, stalking, all to end up treating me worse than before). I feel like all the suffering they did to me, all optional, and it makes me depressed.

I just don't know why I was treated so badly by people who said they loved me. And then why now I am treated well by people I feel good around. It's all so confusing. My body feels suddenly less tense and I don't know how to deal with it - I keep dropping things now haha. But I just can't accept being treated well, and yet I'm so self-aware of why I can't do it that I just want to cry. Every time I cry I can't stop. I just keep feeling so sad and sorry for myself. Letting go feels good, so why do I keep crying? People are so nice to me, they're there for me emotionally, they help out, I feel safe with some of them. It all feels good so why do I keep crying? How long is it going to be that I will find it so hard to accept good people and things in my life?

Hello everyone, I'm Keirshy. I have a serious problem with the lingering effects of CPTSD/CRTR.

I recently got out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist, who I now realise made me feel just like my mom made me feel. It was probably why we even got into a relationship in the first place.

In short, like many of you here, I have have been repeatedly belittled, disrespected, gaslighted, lied to, had smear campaigns thrown at me, been isolated, been sleep deprived, been stalked and so on. All the while these people who "love me", and their flying monkeys, told me I deserved it and should understand my abusers more.

I've decided I'm done with that, and I'm happy to say I've cut ties with my mom and any toxic family members for 3 years! I only contact my brother and aunt who are still healthy enough. Now I've also cut ties with the narc ex. He's in the hoovering phase and it's very creepy and frightening. I can't stand him. It's embarrassing to think I was ever taking his lies and abuse, while working so hard to change him.

I'm still terribly alone and afraid of closeness, especially as I feel I'll just get sucked into another bad relationship or friendship in my current state. I only have one true friend who lives in another country. So I hope I'll be able to talk here and find a safe community.

Currently I'm reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood - it's helping a lot with seeing how my mom led me to these bad men, and how to change it.