Sorry if this isn't the right board for this! I know that this may not be entirely on topic. I've tried to type out my feelings about more serious stuff for a while now, but I've just found myself deleting everything I've written before I even finish. I really admire how many people here so eloquently put their thoughts and experiences into words! That's an ability I'll have to work on for some time, apparently. It's just that recent events have so many feelings boiling over and I don't know how to get any of them out. I've vented to friends a few times before about stuff like this, but I don't want to overwhelm them with constant complaining.
I'm going to be 21 in a few days and I still live with my parents. It's not so much that I'm ashamed about never moving out that upsets me, it's more so the fact that I still haven't escaped my family, but that's all emotions for another time. What's relevant is the fact that I still live with my parents.
These past few days have been completely and totally insufferable. After the recent shooting in Colorado Springs, there's been a trend of right-wing commentators openly embracing the violence— all of whom my parents regularly watch. Hearing their views on this has been bringing up some pretty repressed feelings. I think they know I'm some version of LGBTQ, but it's something that goes unspoken between us. What I've really been trying to hide is the fact that I am transgender. At least, I think I am. I've been flip-flopping for years now. It's hard to figure out what feels right when your parents never let you build healthy intuition. I tried to be openly trans when I was younger, but both of my parents were less than supportive.
I had so much faith in my parents growing up. I had no reason to have this faith, given all they had neglected or done themselves, but every child wants supportive parents, right? I thought that if I just showed them how much their support meant to me, they would eventually come around, but it seems they care more about blind loyalty to their faith or the need to hate a dehumanized "other" than they do for me. So I told them that I was just confused and brainwashed, and begged them to drop the issue.
I watched my parents get pushed further and further to the right over the past few years, and their views on LGBTQ people have changed along with them. More and more, I've had to tolerate the complete unfounded anger they feel toward transgender people. Especially over the past year, it seems that every time they turn on the radio, every time they take over the TV, every time they open their mouths, it's some rant about how the transgenders are trying to sexually abuse kids. It's easy to tune out every now and then, but when you're just trying to get out of the house by taking a quick trip to the grocery store with mom, and she immediately turns on some station that's talking about how LGBTQ people are cockroaches that are trying to destroy society, it takes its toll. My younger sister tries to push back every once in a while, and I appreciate the effort, but I'd rather just not hear anything from them. She says that it's necessary to challenge their beliefs if we want any change. I don't disagree with her, it's just that I can't take being forced to listen to one more heated debate over a group of people I belong to.
They haven't directed any of this talk toward me, though I know they would if I were to come out to them. It's mostly been weird comments about my breasts or the way I dress. My mom would scrutinize every part of me that made me too feminine to be seen as masculine when I was out to her, but now that I tell her I am a woman, she criticizes me for looking too masculine. It's funny how that works. All of this is compounded by the fact that my mom has been digging up old childhood photos which she has scattered all across the house. Looking at childhood pictures makes me ill. I feel a crushing sense of dread when I see myself as a child. I don't know, I've just been lost in a dissociative haze for a while now. More often than not, it feels like my body moves without me on autopilot while I just watch my life unfold through the rearview mirror. Perhaps this talk is more suited for a recovery journal.
All of this isn't the main source of trauma that's brought me here, but it stirs up some complicated feelings, nonetheless. Death by a thousand cuts, you know?
Thank you for taking the time to look at this!
I'm going to be 21 in a few days and I still live with my parents. It's not so much that I'm ashamed about never moving out that upsets me, it's more so the fact that I still haven't escaped my family, but that's all emotions for another time. What's relevant is the fact that I still live with my parents.
These past few days have been completely and totally insufferable. After the recent shooting in Colorado Springs, there's been a trend of right-wing commentators openly embracing the violence— all of whom my parents regularly watch. Hearing their views on this has been bringing up some pretty repressed feelings. I think they know I'm some version of LGBTQ, but it's something that goes unspoken between us. What I've really been trying to hide is the fact that I am transgender. At least, I think I am. I've been flip-flopping for years now. It's hard to figure out what feels right when your parents never let you build healthy intuition. I tried to be openly trans when I was younger, but both of my parents were less than supportive.
I had so much faith in my parents growing up. I had no reason to have this faith, given all they had neglected or done themselves, but every child wants supportive parents, right? I thought that if I just showed them how much their support meant to me, they would eventually come around, but it seems they care more about blind loyalty to their faith or the need to hate a dehumanized "other" than they do for me. So I told them that I was just confused and brainwashed, and begged them to drop the issue.
I watched my parents get pushed further and further to the right over the past few years, and their views on LGBTQ people have changed along with them. More and more, I've had to tolerate the complete unfounded anger they feel toward transgender people. Especially over the past year, it seems that every time they turn on the radio, every time they take over the TV, every time they open their mouths, it's some rant about how the transgenders are trying to sexually abuse kids. It's easy to tune out every now and then, but when you're just trying to get out of the house by taking a quick trip to the grocery store with mom, and she immediately turns on some station that's talking about how LGBTQ people are cockroaches that are trying to destroy society, it takes its toll. My younger sister tries to push back every once in a while, and I appreciate the effort, but I'd rather just not hear anything from them. She says that it's necessary to challenge their beliefs if we want any change. I don't disagree with her, it's just that I can't take being forced to listen to one more heated debate over a group of people I belong to.
They haven't directed any of this talk toward me, though I know they would if I were to come out to them. It's mostly been weird comments about my breasts or the way I dress. My mom would scrutinize every part of me that made me too feminine to be seen as masculine when I was out to her, but now that I tell her I am a woman, she criticizes me for looking too masculine. It's funny how that works. All of this is compounded by the fact that my mom has been digging up old childhood photos which she has scattered all across the house. Looking at childhood pictures makes me ill. I feel a crushing sense of dread when I see myself as a child. I don't know, I've just been lost in a dissociative haze for a while now. More often than not, it feels like my body moves without me on autopilot while I just watch my life unfold through the rearview mirror. Perhaps this talk is more suited for a recovery journal.
All of this isn't the main source of trauma that's brought me here, but it stirs up some complicated feelings, nonetheless. Death by a thousand cuts, you know?
Thank you for taking the time to look at this!