Messages

Thanks kizzie, papa. I was very happy to find this forum. I am in alaska and finding a trauma therapist is difficult. Papa your trust comments resonate with me. When I interact with young children who show me affection and trust I feel safe because I know they would never hurt me in their innocence. When my wife of twenty years is judgemental or critical I emotionally withdraw and start spiraling into depression.
Are there any resources to find qualified trauma therapists by location? I found a brainspotting therapist but she only accepts cash an I cannot afford to do treatment. I may have a lead on an emdr therapist but they are not experienced. I am signed up for a psychotherapist but don't know if they are specialized for trauma.
Do either of you know whether trauma specialized retreats can make a difference  ?

Cptsd, cen, who would have thought. 2 years ago I started having neurological pain, heart arrhythmia,  fluctuating heart rate and blood pressure. It was soon followed by an altered consciousness feeling i described as feeling high. I began to have shakes in my arms and legs, walking became an adventure, my speech slowed down and I had trouble finding words and keeping my train of thought. I began to feel there was a heavy shroud over my consciousness, got seriously depressed, completely hopeless and was building to suicide.
Dr's began to use words like somatization and neurobiological hyper arousal all while I was convinced I had lewy body dementia. When I was at my lowest point I had a dream in which my mother figured prominently. When I woke up I had accepted the idea my mind body connection had fritzed.
With the help of antidepressants I had more control over the hopelessness. I started physical therapy and yoga. My physical symptoms went.from 8-9 down to 1-2. Woo hoo!  Much reading on ptsd, cptsd and emotional neglect. It all makes more sense.
The problem is the mental symptom of being altered stays at around 6. And has done so since my dream epiphany. In social situations I feel like an alcoholic who is trying to maintain the semblance of being normal. I keep trying to approximate the appropriate social interactions, but it is a draining chore. I can last about 1-2 hours before I need to just checkout. I know I shouldn't isolate and so I keep doing these social chores hoping the normal me will return. I wish I could get a handle on this or find someone who has this type of altered state.