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Melbourne, Australia. Which is GMT+10 in winter IIRC

But, I have precisely zero body clock or circadian rhythm. Some sleep-wake cycles are 18 hours, others 48. So the clock is irrelevant

I'd be interested, but not as a core participant. I can't be relied on. And my fight/flight is pretty much hairpin trigger. So I'm likely to hang up or disgrace myself frequently, if I manage to show up

Hey DogMan - we had a forum upgrade a few ago and a lot of people had trouble signing in including me. Try clearing your cache and your cookies, that seems to work. 

19 screening questionnaires? Good grief!!!!!

Thank-you

I had to google how to clear cookies from s single site, without logging me out of every website everywhere

Sorry for my absence. I can't login on my laptop for some reason

I have been increasingly frustrated with my health care team being unable to reach a consensus on my diagnosis. So, on Wednesday, I had stage one of an assessment with a Clinical Psychologist. PhD

My regular Psychologist is not a clinical psychologist. And she is mostly of the humanistic and IFS school of not applying labels. I am very much keeping her. Clin psych is just diagnosis

So, he had me do 19 screening questionnaires beforehand

He agrees with CPTSD and schizoaffective disorder diagnosis. But not OCD

I mostly booked in for clarification on one cluster of symptoms, which each professional in my team just links with their own research area and thesis topics

He provisionally thinks that the symptoms relate to OSDD and depersonalisation

Which is along the lines of what I suspected. And posted about here a bit

He said that psychotic symptoms don't usually include other sentient entities inside you. But he needs to see the results of full length Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation to be sure

He also has an idea about me frequently forgetting how legs work. Which he links within the trauma category

I'm glad that I can login on my phone

I hope everyone is well

Sorry to go AWOL

An email notification reminded me to come back

I have attached what I am working on with T. Who I have been seeing for world record 6 months and 14 appointments (Part of my trauma was psychologists, so this is huge)

I hope that everybody is well

Thanks papa cocoa. I appreciate the kind words

Case manager on the 22nd, he came here. He couldn't find parking, so was in a no standing zone. So very quick

I gave him a card, he gave me an appointment card for psychiatrist 10th January. Which is sooner than I expected. Maybe the hospital might discharge me?

I saw psychologist on the 21st. We were both proud that we got through 45 of scheduled 50 minutes. I also requested a copy of the review letter which she sent my GP for medicare purposes

I think that she is saying that my insight lacks. And I don't know how to feel about that

She says that we need to work on boundaries, and ability to say "Stop" will help me not dissociate away from sessions and blankly agree with everything. And she needs that to get an understanding of my presentation herself

She says that we mostly need to build safety. After 11 sessions, that is still the main goal

The letter said that we are exploring dissociative intrusions and rage blackouts with amnesia. But at a pace that works for me

She is VERY patient. But does sometimes audibly sigh when she says things like "We can take it even slower"

I wrote to say that boundaries are scary and I don't want to. But I can't say that to health professionals, so I just go along with it. She says that we can slowly find a more acceptable term than "Boundaries"

Trigger warning wild animal colony family dynamics

Yesterday, I saw a seal at the beach

I have been assured that he is just napping. And is probably a young male who would be due to be evicted from birth colony at this time of year. But fat with healthy fur

Australian fur seal

Finally got hold of my case manager, after 2 weeks of trying

My little crisis passed anyway

He reinforced that I am allowed to say "Stop" if a doctor etc pushes or asks off limits questions. Which is similar to therapy focus

He is coming here thursday. I'm not thrilled about in-home appointment. But can't afford to be fussy

My bus to the beach broke down this morning. So walking 40 minutes home was enough of a walk

I assembled a chest of drawers which I purchased in January. But not the actual drawers, just the frame thing

Exhausted

thanks, hope. I still don't venture out of my own journal enough. I do read others, and your post has sort of provided me with a template type deal of how to enter others' journals

i had therapist today. I had written to her, and it was lots of focus on the dynamic between us, and how i can stay grounded in sessions without dissociating away after 20 minutes

we managed a full 50 minute session!

i am exhausted

i did a 12,000 step walk on my way. Mostly along a cliff with brief detour down to this short stretch of beach

This is part of a letter for therapist, for Saturday's appointment

~2 months ago, we touched on Part Selfs

I'm a really lazy researcher. I'll probably be ready for amygdala hijack around February. But I have sporadically read a bit

When we touched on this, it was singular. Part Self. Inner Critic

I don't think that my critic is singular. But it is like multiple sub personalities. I feel their screams and movement. Like hallucinations of proprioception and touch. I briefly live as someone else (Seconds). Then strong unpleasant emotions connecting the time between

They are me, but not

I suspect the answer to what the voices are can be assisted by Parts Work

IFS therapy sounds too rigid. But the idea of Structural Dissociation of the Personality rang bells with regard to the experiences, and "Dissociative Intrusions" or "Personality Intrusions"

The below seems like a more accurate description than "Intrusive Thoughts", "Hallucinations", "Inner Critic" or "Flashbacks". None of which seem correct, from my perspective (There are no doubt better fitting quotes, but the gist here)

"One personality state is dominant and normally functions in daily life, but is intruded upon by one or more non-dominant personality states (dissociative intrusions). These intrusions may be cognitive, affective, perceptual, motor, or behavioural. They are experienced as interfering with the functioning of the dominant personality state and are typically aversive. The non-dominant personality states do not recurrently take executive control of the individual's consciousness and functioning, but there may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which a distinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours, such as in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories"

https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#!/http%3A%2F%2Fid.who.int%2Ficd%2Fentity%2F988400777

I don't know if we have discussed the rage blackouts with amnesia, then flashbacks years later? People describe events to me, I have zero recall. Then later I am proved wrong in the face of evidence that the events occurred. I know that we discussed not remembering psychotic episodes

I know that I have mentioned voices of people who have mistreated me. But they don't seem like hallucinations, more as Lived experience involving the senses. Similar to a flashback of somebody else's experience, which hasn't happened yet

It must sound stupid

And I've mentioned the term "Paranoid" feeling unpalatable, but a "Paranoid Self" just feels more like my personal experience

I read about Focusing Oriented Therapy after seeing it on your website. And I had a little "This is exactly what we do". And I had a similar familiar response to reading about Structural Dissociation

I don't think that I am explaining it well, but we can work on it

I feel vulnerable, giving my own opinion. Such things rarely end well with health professionals

My mini crisis subsided

I guess that I should review that for therapy homework on amygdala hijack

Rang case manager. I got voicemail

I Rang back an hour later. Receptionist grumpily said that she got the first message and passed it on

No return call by 5pm on a Friday

Given that ringing him is my official safety plan, that kind of sucks

I'm not in crisis, but I could have been

I just wanted to vent that the new doctor just reinforced my belief that health professionals only want to control people

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z41x1BaXMdE

thanks Phil and Armee

Yes, shaking is good release. I think I just posted it as indicator of my state

Lots of jellyfish on the beach today

I had medical officer at the hospital today. A new one. She was OK but talks really fast. I talk slow and pause a lot

She said to give the sertraline increase 8 weeks
Valproate blood levels were low. She's checking with consultant how much that matters
She says the voices are because of my mood

Lots of questions about lifestyle, and I got all trembly like a sissy doofus

Wow thank you that description is super helpful and clear - much better than the DSM used in the US for diagnosis.

Did you read toward the end? There's a clarification about diagnostic  boundaries with schizophrenia and OCD and PTSD toward the bottom.

I read this though and I'm still confused, myself, about whether this fits me, or if complex ptsd or full DID fits better. Pretty sure my symptoms are on the boundary between partial and full DID.

I did read that, and will discuss it with my team

Psychiatrist has questioned how much of my negative symptoms are autism. I do get paranoid/delusional (Or maybe just one part self does?) The border with OCD indicates I indentify more with Partial DID. But some historical themes were pretty classic OCD resulting from trauma (I'll not elaborate since they are pretty triggery)

Partial DID in the ICD 11 sounds a lot like what I experience https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#!/http%3A%2F%2Fid.who.int%2Ficd%2Fentity%2F988400777