Hi everybody. At the moment I strongly suspect I have CPTSD. My symptoms pretty much line right up with it. I have struggled for many years now with an evolving diagnosis. First adult ADD, then Bipolar II. The psychiatrist I'm seeing now has begun to point out that much of my issues are based in anxiety, which got me thinking about that a lot. I read a little bit about anxiety disorders, and they seemed to match a little better than BPD (a diagnosis about which I've always been a little doubtful). I can't remember how that led to the idea of PTSD, but I found myself reading a book about it, and feeling what seemed like, for the first time, the 'right' resonance with what I'm dealing with.
I have spent my adulthood rebuilding myself from the ground up, and it's something I'm actually pretty proud of. I have improved myself, built a good career, gotten better at dealing with people, and have been treating my mental health issues for almost a decade now. Given the * that was my family while I was growing up, I feel privileged to have survived without more severe damage. These are all good things, but while reading about PTSD I realized that this also involved conveniently forgetting (consciously) about my traumatic upbringing. I thought this was a good thing, to move on, to not obsess over the past. But I asked myself, am I really able to remember specific things? Even if I try? The answer surprised me. It was no. I do remember a few "highlights," and those memories have survived, but otherwise the rest of it is lodged away somewhere. I also am, I'll say, lovably, scatter-brained.
I have big problems with recall, and forget little things all the time. It is hard for me to concentrate, especially around others. Just a few of the many things described as PTSD symptoms that are very familiar to me. In fact I remembered a time when a different psychiatrist asked me specific questions about my tumultuous upbringing, and I couldn't really do it. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Now I suspect I know why I felt that way.
It might surprise you to read it, but this has made me happy. Because there are ways to treat PTSD, and because the treatment I'm getting now doesn't fit quite right. Like an off-the-rack suit. It does the job, but not quite. At this stage I am very hopeful. The BPD diagnosis felt like a prison (only because I felt ashamed of it, because of reasons you can guess). Perhaps also because treating it didn't do as much as I'd hoped. Now I have a new angle, a new possibility to examine. I plan to discuss this with my psychiatrist at my next appointment. Though it's not DSM stuff, I have a feeling he will understand. He's one of the good ones.
I have spent my adulthood rebuilding myself from the ground up, and it's something I'm actually pretty proud of. I have improved myself, built a good career, gotten better at dealing with people, and have been treating my mental health issues for almost a decade now. Given the * that was my family while I was growing up, I feel privileged to have survived without more severe damage. These are all good things, but while reading about PTSD I realized that this also involved conveniently forgetting (consciously) about my traumatic upbringing. I thought this was a good thing, to move on, to not obsess over the past. But I asked myself, am I really able to remember specific things? Even if I try? The answer surprised me. It was no. I do remember a few "highlights," and those memories have survived, but otherwise the rest of it is lodged away somewhere. I also am, I'll say, lovably, scatter-brained.
I have big problems with recall, and forget little things all the time. It is hard for me to concentrate, especially around others. Just a few of the many things described as PTSD symptoms that are very familiar to me. In fact I remembered a time when a different psychiatrist asked me specific questions about my tumultuous upbringing, and I couldn't really do it. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Now I suspect I know why I felt that way.It might surprise you to read it, but this has made me happy. Because there are ways to treat PTSD, and because the treatment I'm getting now doesn't fit quite right. Like an off-the-rack suit. It does the job, but not quite. At this stage I am very hopeful. The BPD diagnosis felt like a prison (only because I felt ashamed of it, because of reasons you can guess). Perhaps also because treating it didn't do as much as I'd hoped. Now I have a new angle, a new possibility to examine. I plan to discuss this with my psychiatrist at my next appointment. Though it's not DSM stuff, I have a feeling he will understand. He's one of the good ones.