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Thank you for the reply and the welcome back.
I have thought about why.

Isolation throughout my life has been my comfort zone. There's been times I didn't isolate and made progress. But when overwhelmingly triggered, I close off. With my history, I don't always know what the trigger is.

Since the beginning of the pandemic, I've had reprieve. Not only was it okay to isolate but expected.
My work is computer based and my customers don't rely on me being in the office.
Now everything is reopening and next month reentry will begin.

I know I should be in therapy. The thought of therapist searching and rehashing again and again is overwhelming.
I know my attitude regarding therapy is defeatist and anxiety driven. My personal experience has led me to believe trauma and its affects is not understood very well. There has been progress and I know there's help out there. I find it difficult to believe I have access to it. Not taking on new patients or cash only at a price beyond my means has been a major stop block.

I don't trust anyone poking at the hornets' nest anymore. My intro post was intentionally obscure to avoid poking it myself. I'm still cleaning up the fallout from 2015.

The night terrors are such a huge red flag I know better than to ignore them.
Is the fact I'm exhausted at the thought of reentering therapy my energy's way of telling me it's not the way to go?
I don't know.
Thank you for being here. ~Assembly~

I was here late in 2015. I don't recall how long I stayed. Most likely short, sporadic attempts.
Currently, my anxiety is waffling between leaving without posting, or checking other's intros first.

I was the last born into the well-established dysfunctional unit. Violence, neglect, abuses, like a deck of cards, pick one, any one. Give it a real good shuffle, pay no attention to those disappearing up sleeves, or in pockets. Forget they ever existed. Cards are added, lost, deliberately tossed out and the gaslighting shuffle never ends.

Decades pass. Layer upon layer of recreation.

Therapists, psychiatrists, journals, and blogs, Medications and diagnosis change like the seasons. Inpatient. outpatient, individual and group therapies. Hundreds, no thousands of books, read, listened to, YouTube, Ted Talks, Oprah, Brene, Deepak and Gandhi.

I'll be 64 this summer. Still working and have no intention of retiring anytime soon. Computers and telework are wonderful.

Last weekend, after a very long hiatus, the night terrors returned. So, here I am. 

Prayer never forget prayer.  Thank you for being here.  ~Assembly~

I don't know if you've had a physical lately but if you haven't you might want to start there. Have your iron & vitamin D checked. Do you have stomach troubles? Ulcers can be very tricky. They can bleed intermittently making the symptoms come and go.
Just a thought. I hope you feel better soon!

Hello,

I'm in my 60th summer. I'm not new to community forums, being online off & on for over 20 years working through my past in various ways.  Not always healthy ways since I was far from healthy. I honestly don't know how "healthy" I am now.  I have a lot of work to do. I never joined a mental health forum until my 57th summer and sometimes it's necessary for personal growth to move on. I came across this site yesterday evening and when I went to sign up, I'd apparently joined before. I don't recall signing up, but I've learned to shrug off somethings.

I've been in & out of therapy and hospitals forty years now. While I've met many special, caring individuals who helped me get past some trying times, I never met anyone to help me successfully deal with my first 15 years. These years are my foundation however fractured. They were the springboard for the following 45 years of dysfunction which at times were/are pure *. Trauma therapists are expensive and don't take any kind of insurance. I personally feel I should be able to interview them. See if we click. It is a relationship after all. If all goes well, a positive live-changing relationship.

What brought me to the mental health forum 2 1/2 years ago was the realization I was not just the only one who could save my child parts, it was my responsibility. Preceding that was their resurfacing after a very long hiatus and my acceptance. That led to an emotionally visual shift in my perspective.
Remember Baby Jessica caught in a well back in the eighties?  If you lived through that time you might remember how emotionally invested everyone was. It jumped off the screen and pulled anyone watching into investing as well.
The connection clicked in my mind between my child parts and Baby Jessica. Caught in a well for over 57 years and it now haunts me.

Enough cards on the table for now.  If you made it this far, thank you for listening/reading.

Assembly