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Thank you again for the response.

Yeah, I need to make sure that it works all the way around. But, it isn't his place, he's just an employee there.

Anyway, I agree, she may just want to be friends, he may want more. I'll never know.

I did find a way to calm myself today though. I remembered that is all out of my control. But, what really helped me was that I was allowing my anxiety to control my thoughts and that I was borrowing trouble.

Essentially, I was ignoring what she was telling me, that they are just friends, and imposing my own filters on her words. Trust is hard for me, she knows that. In fact, per her, it's our respective trust issues that are now keeping us apart. I guess that one of us needs to start trusting.  Since I cannot control her, I guess it will have to be me.

There has been an "interesting" development this morning. She called and asked me about a business proposition.

We both make jewelry, and she thinks that she is going to be able to sell hers at the place where the new guy in her life (she swears that she's just friends and hasn't decided what to do about me) works.

Part of me feels like she's using me. But, since I'd be making money too, am I actually being used? Part of me feels like she's just stringing me along to make sure that I'm still under her control. Part of me is hopeful (I'm trying really hard to keep that in check).

I'm awash with confusion and anxiety now.

Nice to meet you too!

Yeah, I think that I just don't like the answers and I'm looking for a quick fix where one doesn't exist. I'm so used to self-medicating that actually facing all of this hard, very hard.

I practice "square breathing" quite a bit. I also spend a lot of time talking to and hugging my inner child hoping to make him feel safe. My inner critic isn't quite as noisy as he used to be. Man, my outer critic yelling right now though.

Dutch:

I didn't think so, but thought that I'd ask. 

Well, you definitely missed this part of the story. For the last six months of my R with her, I maintained a friendship with another ex. Nothing but friends mind you, but still not cool. She asked repeatedly that end the friendship. I didn't because the other ex "made me feel safe because she could not hurt me" and I needed someone to talk to as I started to work through my FOO issues and CPTSD. The most recent ex was, however, in a position to hurt me, and did numerous times. After over a month of nothing but fighting, and I mean nothing. I ended the R, but kept the friendship with the other woman.

Two months of NC, and I missed my current ex terribly. I kept the friendship. The friend wanted a romantic R with me, but I didn't. Been there, done that. I reached out to the current ex and we talked about getting back together. Lots of ILY, but I don't trust you talks. The door was closed, but not slammed or locked. Part of the deal was that I had to cease all contact with the friend. I did.

So, that's why I say that I feel abandoned, but caused it myself. In the end, I got exactly what I was trying to avoid. I'm now alone and vulnerable.

I've already decided that I want to reconcile and I'm doing things to work towards that. I've been in therapy for the CPTSD for two months now (I know that is just a scratch on the surface), I'm learning all that I can about what happened to me, what I caused, and what I need to change. I'm starting to live my life for myself. I've gone NC with the members of my FOO that are problems. There is more that I can do, and I'm working on that. I've adopted the idea that if she decides not to come along, that's her choice. But, I won't wait forever and have put an internal deadline on how long I'm willing to wait for her return.

It's this time that I'm leaving her to make her choice that is causing me to feel abandoned because of her NC with me.

I completely get what you're saying about her not being able to abandon me since we aren't together though. I strongly suspect that the root of this goes back to my mother and my desire to have her validation. I'm doing the same thing with my ex. I want her to validate all of the changes that I've been making. Since she (take your pick on which she, it applies to both) isn't giving me the validation I have been triggered. While I'm proud of myself for my changes, I haven't learned to completely self-validate yet.

Hey all, it's been a while since I posted. My life has been...uummm...interesting since my last post.

I've been working really hard on my issues, but have gotten stuck. It's probably not surprising that everything seems to come down to abandonment which is really just a lack of self-love and self-esteem. I know that it will take time to build those.

What I'm trying to figure out is how to deal with the loneliness, pain, and anxiety that I feel in the meantime. I've been sitting with the emotions for several days now. They seem to be getting worse rather than better.

I know that in "normal" situations, the suggests are things like "go out and meet new people," "go for a walk," or "keep yourself busy." Meeting new people when I feel like this is hard, well harder than normal. Because I feel abandoned (even though I created my situation in my last relationship), I feel lower than normal. It's hard to see any good in myself. If I try to focus on the other person rather than myself, all that goes through my head are things like "I'm annoying them." "They don't actually want to talk to me." etc.

I've been making some huge changes in my life, perhaps too many at once. I've cut out my most toxic relationship, which was part of the demise of my romantic one. I have stopped self-medicating. I have started working on my issues. My former romantic partner said that she might be interested in reconciling, but needs time to decide. Of course, I take this as abandonment.

Well, that was quite a ramble. My emotions are all over the place right now. If anyone has any suggestions for quick, temporary relief when I get like this, I would truly appreciate them.

Nothing insightful to add. I just wanted to let you know that I hate this for you and wish that you weren't having to experience it.

How to make friends.  How to have a healthy relationship.  How to interface with the greater world around me on a personal level.  How to have my own appropriate boundaries.   

These are all things that are on my list of things that I was not taught. The others that you listed (laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, being on time, paying bills, that kind of thing) I was not taught however. Nor was I taught what the right thing to say to a compliment is. I never received them, so I as an adult, I have no idea how to respond to them. My ICr immediately tells me that the person giving the compliment is manipulating me, lying to me, just being nice, that the compliment is untrue, etc.

Thank you for posting this GM. I hope that Walker's book has provided you with some guidance or at least comfort. It did for me!

Like you, I self-medicate with alcohol. I went from drinking 18+ beers per day and not having electricity or heat because I would by alcohol instead to not drinking, to hiding when I drank, to openly drinking 6+ beers per day, to drinking 6+ beers a day about 3 times per week and hiding it again over the span of about 15 years. I started drinking regularly when I was 18, but "that was just with friends to have fun." The reality was that it was a way for me to mask what was going on inside. I could get drunk and blame all of my shame on the fact that I was drunk. These days, that isn't working for me anymore, but I still wear the mask.

How are you doing with decreasing the drinking?

Like you and the others, samantha19, I was also not taught any life skills. I went the other directions about being late though; I'm terrified of it. If I am late to something I am ashamed because I've inconvenienced someone else. My parents beat it into me (both physically and mentally) that I should never come first and everyone else is more important than I am. As a result, being late and inconveniencing someone else is a no-no for me.

But, I have zero self-esteem and social skills. Making even the simplest decision like what I want to eat if I deviate from my set norm is a painful ordeal that often results in my not eating. I have a huge desire to get organized, but I can't ever seem to achieve that. The idea of making lists causes me anxiety because what if I forget to put something on the list? What if I forget to look at the list? What if.... The list goes on and on. The end result is shame.

It's really sad that things that should be so simple are such a problem for us. 

I feel like not only has my trauma ruined my own life, but now, it's ruining his too.

Your trauma is not ruining his life! You are in no way responsible for his choices and actions. That's just your inner critic telling you that you are guilty. 

If he continues to ignore your boundaries when you try to take a time-out, you might need to leave the building.

I understand Tracy. I have lived in a very similar relationship; except we fought about everything and she adamantly denied that she suffered from the same things also. Even if she didn't have CPTSD, her symptoms were very similar (I strongly suspect that she had BPD). She was a school teacher who worked with many children with mental health issues, yet she never seemed to be able to grasp the fact that I was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to explain, she either refused to see it, couldn't understand it, or didn't care about it.

What I learned was to establish and enforce boundaries. You have to be consistent with them though. You have the right to choose how people treat you. If you don't like how you are being treated, leave or change the situation. That doesn't mean that you have end the relationship. It can be as simple as terminating the conversation. Leave the room. Hang up the phone. Tell him that you're not comfortable talking about right then, or that you'll talk to him when he can do so civilly.

Here is better information on Boundaries.

What enforcing my boundaries taught me was that she wasn't the one for me. If she couldn't respect my boundaries, then there was no love. No love meant, to me, that there was no reason to continue the relationship. That was just my result though. Boundaries are a part of every healthy relationship. Millions of people have had healthy relationship over the tens of thousands of years of human existence because, at least in part, of healthy boundaries. If you wouldn't allow a stranger to treat you the way that he treats you, why would you allow him to do so? Isn't he supposed to be closer to, and care and respect you more than a complete stranger?

OK, I'm tired of not knowing what is real and what is simply a figment of my imagination that has been perverted by decades of abuse and distrust.

I feel sorry for those who have been involved with me who have been subjected to my accusations that stem from my belief that everyone is going to hurt me because I'm not good enough.

I've found myself contemplating repeating past mistakes just so that I don't have to feel the pain of not having the attention that I crave ignored. All the while knowing that the end result will be that I'll still feel alone and ignored, but in a far worse situation than I am.

This is all so crazy.

I keep myself in relationships that are less than satisfying just so that I can have the crumbs of attention. Geez, I was ready to propose to a woman who claims that she loves me when it suits her needs just so that I don't have to face the reality of the situation. Just so that I don't have to deal with the thoughts that plague my mind.

I've done that once actually. I married a woman that I didn't love just because she claimed to love me. That marriage was 5 years of horror. She ended up leaving me for some guy that she met online.

I'm so tired of being suspicious of others. I'm tired of worrying. And, I'm tired of feeling guilty about all of it when I learn that my suspicions, accusations, and worrying were unfounded.

All of this is new to me. I'm just beginning to learn mechanics of it all, and I haven't even begun to delve into the emotions behind it; but I'm tired of feeling these things.

The need to pacify the inner child is a hard one for me also. I have been known to go to extraordinarily stupid lengths to maintain a woman's attention. I've put myself at risk financially, emotionally, and physically. I've only recently started to grasp this reality.

Thank you all for your posts. It really helps me see what I've been doing to myself. I can truly relate to Chira's post. I meet woman and idealize them. I ignore the red flags. OK, who am I kidding, I ignore the red fireworks!

I don't believe in therapy so I have been doing a lot of meditation lately and it has helped, but I don't know if I can ever walk away from the past and shake off the trauma.

Hey Beekins, what you have learned can be unlearned. The feelings that come from the place of trauma ultimately result from thoughts in your mind. You've been taught to think that way, so you can learn to think a different way. I'm just beginning this journey myself. It's hard. It's scary. But, I know that it's possible to change the way that I respond to the thoughts that circulate through my mind when something happens to remind me of my past abuses.

Anger is actually a good thing from what I understand. It's a step along the path of recovery. It's how you direct that anger that becomes important.

I agree Beekins. Families also get away with it because to the outside world they look completely normal. It's behind closed doors that things go awry. Also, people don't realize the years upon years that these things happen. And, as a society, we just assume that the parent who is demoralizing the child truly loves the child and the generally shows love, caring, and support. It is just a moment in time and they forget about it when it is out of their line of sight.

Having lived on the other side of it, the whole thing seems pretty disturbing.