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I feel like I am losing my mind these days. I am really struggling to be present in my marriage.  I found out i am pregnant and it is something I have been wanting for a long time.

I feel guilty admitting that I spend a lot of time thinking about my ex boyfriend and not my husband. A few weeks ago I emailed him and we have been chatting. It has been 14 years that we havent talked.  In some ways I feel so happy talking to him. But I also feel so guilty I could barf.

There are so many red flags, he is emotionally unavailable,  he is not living independently,  not supporting himself. He is completely cut off from the real world and most feelings and relationships by choice. There is no way I should be interested in him but he makes me feel so happy when we do talk. He knows me from my youth and remembers things about me that make me feel like myself. When he is not answering and I feel he is ignoring me I cry and sob like he just broke up with me again. I am so ashamed of these feelings.  Am I chasing him because he is unavailable,  like my father was? Am I chasing a love story because of cptsd, depression,  anxiety?

My husband of 7 years takes good care of me and he is a good father to our daughter and a helpful partner.  I get frustrated with him sometimes because he is forgetful but he is very honest and hardworking.  I am trying to actively engage with him and appreciate him.


I havent taken any physical steps but I do feel I am being emotionally too open and invested in this adult boy who is not willing or able to reciprocate my feelings.  I thought I was done with heartbreak.

I never imagined myself as this person.  I feel like the pain will never heal and I will cry every day. I feel I have been hurting missing him all this time, although I know I have been living my life and I have felt happy. I am so lonely he makes me feel like I have a friend. My husband is my friend but so much of our marriage is work like chores and taking care of our child and pets and household. I think I miss the days being 21 and living more wild and free.

 I find myself thinking a lot about past relationships.  I feel guilty because I am happily married (35f). I know that in real life my husband is a good partner and I love him. I feel happy and safe with our life.  But I feel unhealed from relationships that are many many years old. Is this normal? Should I feel ashamed like I am cheating on my husband? I think I should resist the urge to shame myself and accept this as normal thoughts. I don't really feel safe talking about them to anyone in my life.

I don't know how much is appropriate to share.

Both guys I met online when I was 15. One was my first serious boyfriend, as a teen and he committed suicide when he was 19 and I was 20. It was devastating and changed my life views. He died 16 years ago and was very troubled with mental health and drug abuse problems and self harm.  I struggle with those things too but not to the same extent.

The other i met through mutual friends and we talked online a lot. After our friend passed we became closer and eventually started a physical romantic relationship. Then we moved in together and he worked nights while I was in school for a couple years. The beginning was euphoric but it ended up being a terrible relationship full of lies with little communication. He has since ghosted me.

I have so many thoughts about these relationships and I dont know where to put them. I am embarrassed to share because young love is so cringy. I really accepted the worst kind of treatment from them. But at the same time the love I felt was so powerful and all consuming.  I can still tap into the feeling now. I know the reality of the situation is that they would be terrible partners.  I could keep writing this but I think I should end it now! Thank you for reading.

Hello new friends,

I have felt for a long time that I was struggling and didnt really understand it although I spend a lot of time in my head. I doubted my feelings and shamed myself for thinking I was suffering enough to be labeled depressed, anxious, traumatized.  I understand that now as my inner critic.  I am 35 years old and recently lost my emotionally negligent father to cancer and also fled a toxic long term friendship with a narcissist. Both of these emotional events has physical effects on me which have pushed me towards introspection and self healing.

It sounds so fancy when I can word it all together like this. In reality it has been much messier with lots of shame and sadness. Plus barfing which is terrible.

I am reading cPTSD by Pete Walker and it has been like turning on the light.  Never before had I realized how damaging it was to feel and internalize contempt from my caregivers and false friends. I have a lot to say on these subjects and I am very excited to join this forum.