Messages

I love this song. It's just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for posting this.

Hi Not Alone

Welcome Violashealing. 
Hope 

Hi Hope

I just received an abstract from a research site I subscribe to and the data confirm the distinction between BPD and CPTSD once again:

THanks Kizzie. This looks interesting.

Thanks for your messages Papa Coco, Armee and Lizzie. And for your reassurances, the book recommendation, and the link. I will read the link and talk to my T about the differences. My former T didn't give diagnoses because we worked only online. He did tell me he didn't think I have a PD, but I do show some BPD tendencies. At the time, I was so overwhelmed by my ExH and his bullying and the courts and CPS and such that I was near collapse and an emotional basket case. I'm doing a lot better now at dealing with all that. My past is checkered with lots of short-term, unstable relationships - both friends and romantically. I thought I had found stability with my ExH when we first met. It was only after we'd been married for a few years and had children that I began to realise how controlling and passive aggressive and increasingly angry he was.

When I look forward, I get overwhelmed at how much more healing I want and need to do. When I look backward (recent past), I see how far I've come. I still go around in circles telling myself things weren't that bad, or trying to believe that they were and believe myself about stuff that happened.

I'm glad to know that others understand. It's not schadenfreude, but more of a feeling that I'm not alone. I wouldn't wish this emotional turmoil on my worst enemy. And, I want more than anything to become whole again myself so that I give my children a warm, loving and hopefully healthy childhood. 

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and thought I'd introduce myself. My inner teenager is called Viola. I divorced my ExH about five years ago because he was a bully. Since then, I've been trying to co-parent with him, but he continues to bully me through our children, so we are in and out of court, and CPS is involved and the children were acting out and aggressive. I don't have much of a circle of friends and live in a foreign country, so I've been pretty isolated. And, my isolation became worse with all the lock downs and quarantines over the past couple of years. Therapy wasn't helping and I just became more and more depressed. I was anxious and starting to have panic attacks. And, I couldn't understand how I had gotten into such an awful marriage to a bully and felt like a victim even though I couldn't explain why. After all, no one can see the emotional wounds.

Trigger warning

Well, about a year and a half ago, I started with a new T, who helped me see the dysfunctional patterns from my childhood. I had thought my childhood had been alright and had forgotten how miserable I was growing up. I see now that my dad was alcoholic with lots of other additions like gambling and sex. He was also violent, although I can't remember him being violent towards me or my brother or mother (although she still defends him even though he's been dead for 20+ years). He was always fighting some guy or another and carried illegal and loaded guns that were always within reach of him, as well as within reach of me and my brother as kids. I think he might have sexually abused me when I was little, and possibly also a couple of steps sisters and daughters of his various girlfriends. My memories are hard to come by, but I can't say that he didn't. My mom was present physically when I was growing up, but not emotionally. Feelings and emotions were non existent to her. She denies most of the dysfunction - especially her role in it. And, my step dad was passive aggressive. Quite a triad!

Anyway, I started processing this stuff about a year and a half ago. Started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, started meditating, started journaling and running. Went to a retreat for CSA and started attending meetings of adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. And, now I've joined this board. :-) I'm very determined to be on my healing journey. I get sidelined a lot because of my ExH's BS and my fear of the courts, but I'm doing a lot better at handling that. I'm trying to find the strength and the courage to process and heal from my own childhood baggage. I'm also trying hard to help my children. Sadly, my T moved away and cut back his hours, so now I recently started with a new one. He says I have CPTSD. I'm scared that my troubles are more than that and I'm actually a pwBPD.   

I think what I'm hoping for on this board is understanding and perspective from people - even anonymous peeps - who "get it".

Thank you for listening/reading.