Messages

• Moved out of my FOO's house
• Volunteered at a cat shelter for some time
• Adopted two cats
• Revisited London to replace some old bad memories
• Finished a traineeship
• Visited Hong Kong (beautiful city)
• Resolved my iron deficiency that I had since I was a child
• Got an IT job working in state government
• Bought a house
• Got a promotion (I'm a senior IT officer now, fancy!)
• Became the owner of a large online support community

This is truly amazing!  You have so many wonderful accomplishment!    I'm glad you are taking pride in your progress. 

I had to look directly into his eyes, if I looked away he would slap me. Every time I looked into his eyes though, it hurt me so bad. I was looking at someone who I thought was supposed to care for me, but I just felt so unwanted, so un-cared for.

My narc mom did the same thing to me.  While she was abusing me, I had to look into her eyes.  Pure evil. From what you described in your first post, your father sounds like he was very abusive.

 

since you're so fragile from your parents' abuse, you seek comfort from someone else - to which they end up being abusive as well.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. 

Well I told him and he got so angry, he cursed me, told me how much of an idiot I was and I got so many raw feelings bursting out. I probably shouldn't have done what I did but for once I 'fought back'.

He sounds like he as abusive as well.  You have a right to break up with someone, and tell them that.  He didn't have the right to call you an idiot and curse you. 

I'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I feel sad about this.    if OK. 

I think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

I resonate with this.  I'm feeling empathy for you and your situation right now. 

And my brain starts in on me with the voice of my parents.  It's telling me my choice of activities isn't valid, that I am a loser, that I don't have a life, that what I like to do isn't good enough.

I'm going to try to say kind and compassionate things to myself. 

It sounds like the inner critic, which was installed by our parents as children.  Pete Walker has some good things to say about how to deal with this.  If you go to his website at https://www.pete-walker.com on the upper left there is a link "shrinking the inner critic".  Just a suggestion, take it or leave it.   

I still need to work on being kind towards myself in those respects too in order to get better back on track. Being kind is different from not being strict.

This sounds like a good middle ground.  We can be kind to ourselves, yet still try to have some self discipline about doing things to take care of ourselves.

after writing that maybe I can see a bit better how and why I'm feeling that it would just be better if I weren't in peoples' lives,

It makes me sad that to hear this.  You sound like a very thoughtful, insightful, kind person to me. 

Because my m was neglecting me and spent a lot of time "partying," I did spend a lot of time with my gps and can understand how I would feel caught in the middle, or made to feel like I had to take sides. Perhaps I was a respite from what was going on with them, where like in the reports, was the thing that brought them joy/distraction from everything else that was going on. Maybe scapegoated in a different way than the usual criticised version? That as long as things were fine with me, it buried all their problems?

From what I understand about triangulation, it is when a dyad (2 people) drag in a third person, and this third person acts as a buffer for the tension between the original 2 people.  It is not fair to the 3rd person, and I believe that it would be a stress factor on that 3rd person.  For a child, I can see why this would be emotionally abusive and traumatizing. 


 

I don't know if other people feel uncomfortable with his behavior.  He has his favorites in the group.  He is a walking bird encyclopedia, and doesn't respect those of us who are newer at birding, such as my husband and me.  Personally, I suspect that a normal person without CPTSD would find his behavior rude and disrespectful, but probably wouldn't get triggered to the extent that I do.  I personally find him to be very arrogant, and he has a tendency to shame people for complaining about the weather, or for not being specific enough when describing where a bird is, or for being late to the group.  He seems to jump someone's case for trivial things.  He not only gets irritated, he talks down to people with contempt when he is irritated.  I find contempt to be very toxic and shaming.  However, as a caveat I will say I'm very sensitive to the slightest hint of contempt.

Here is an example.  One guy complained because there was a hawk flying in the sky, but he couldn't see it because it was close to the sun.  In a sarcastic way, the leader said "Well, I can't move the sun". 

When I'm in the group, I feel the need to avoid him, and walk on eggshells.  This is not very healthy, and it feels similar to being back in my FOO.  No, he isn't someone I would want to be around, even if I didn't have the triggers. 

I'm still torn as to what to do.  My husband keeps trying to convince me he is just a crotchety old man.  Maybe he is, I don't know.  My husband wants to keep going because he likes a lot of the other people in the group, and I do too.  However, my husband has a tendency to downplay and minimize problems.  For now, I'll avoid him and the group.  I'm in an emotinally fragile state at the time.  Maybe someday down the road, I'll try again.  I don't want to do it just because my husband pressures me.  But it's hard for me to know if maybe I'm seeing this leader through a distorted lens, and I'm doing the repetition compulsion, because I'm maybe projecting a lot of bad feelings about my mother onto him.  Does this make sense?

Hi Papa Coco, it's been very busy around here.  Our youngest son just left to another part of the country for his first full time job yesterday. I also have a big vegetable garden, and that has been keeping me busy. 

I'm no contact with the narcissists in my FOO, so no I'm not being influenced by them at this time, at least not directly. I'm still healing and recovering from the trauma. I suspect I will be healing and recovering for the rest of my life.  I'm finding personal strength from my faith in God and spiritual life.  I listen to a podcast every morning called "Soulful Devotions", and it helps a great deal.

Here is a question.  Remember the leader of that birding group I talked about?  He is a big time trigger for me.  I talked about him a few weeks ago in this thread.  He can at times be antagonistic and irritable.  My husband doesn't get triggered by him, and my husband is frustrated that I no longer want to associate with this birding group because of him.  My husband thinks I'm being too avoidant by not wanting to go to the group.  My husband is correct, I am an avoidant person.  In the past 15 or so years, I've been pretty reclusive and house bound.  My goal is to try and become less avoidant, and get more involved in activities outside the house.  This guy is not majorly abusive, he is just an old curmudgeon.  He can sometimes be irritable and flippant.  For those of you who are older, think Archie Bunker from All in the Family from the 1970's. 

So the question is, do I go ahead and go to the birding group, and try to desensitize myself to this guy, or do I stay away from the birding group, and tell my husband he can go without me if he wishes?  Aside from this leader, I really enjoy the group, and there are other people in there who I like very much, and could become friends with. I very much enjoy birding, and this group is a good opportunity to do birding. 

becoming curious enough to look at your narc sister's FB page wasn't a dumb thing. It was a natural thing to do.

Thank you for the reassurance, PC.  That helps. 

I'm not a fan of social media anyway.

Yea, FB is a narc playground.  Not everyone on there is a narc, but it's easy to see other posts on there and people make it look like they live the perfect, happy life. 

I think you're a wonderful human being and the people in your family who've turned away from you are literally missing out by not knowing you.

Thank you again, PC.  You are a kind, loving, warm, compassionate soul yourself, and your presence on here is a bright light.  I'm glad you are here.

Pray for their souls and let them live how they choose to live.

Excellent wisdom here.

she turned the family against me to get my share of our Dad's money when he died. She got the money. I got set free. I won that one.

Fantastic attitude.  I'm doing the same thing.  I'm pretty sure I will get nothing, and that is perfectly fine with me.  I don't need it - God has provided for me in other ways.  Even if I did get something, I may donate it to an organization that helps abused kids.  Or, give it to my younger sister, who will need it. 

Hi Alliemat, I can identify with having issues with churches. I know how hard it is to have to leave a church and find a new one.  That, on top of health issues, and financial issues sounds like you are dealing with quite a lot.  Sending you prayers, if that is OK.

I can also relate very much to the scars left from being bullied in school, and how it stays with us for so long. I don't think it was our fault, I think in schools there are always certain kids who need a target to bully.  It makes them feel powerful. 

Larry I wish you luck in reducing your drinking.  I struggled with my drinking too when I was in my teens and 20's.  It's no fun.

Cactus flower, it sounds like you have good things going on!  Yay!  Will you be doing artistic things with the sewing machine?

Thanks Dollyvee, for the warm hug. 

Thanks Beijaflor for being gentle on me about having looked at narc sis FB page.  I'm very sorry that you were also the scapegoat in your family.  Some days, it really hurts to be estranged from family.  But, my husband reminds me that they cut themselves off from me by how they treated me all my life, long before I cut them off by going no contact. 

Thankfully, I now have relationships with my 2 other siblings (sisters).  I agree with you, that there is karma. I can tell both my narc mom and narc sis are experiencing the consequences now of their bad attitudes and behavior.  I also have a strong faith, and it helps me a lot.  Thank you very much for your kind words of support, it's very helpful. The only other place I can talk about this is with my husband. 

Today, my son received a graduation card from narc sis.  He threw it in the trash, and my husband took it out and started to read.  I said lets not read it, lets just take the trash out to the dumpster, which I promptly did. 

This sounds amazing, Papa Coco.  I, too, hope you maintain this state permanently.  You are giving me hope!  Thank you. 

I'm having a difficult time.  I could use some support and encouragement.

Did a dumb thing.  I made the mistake, and I usually never do this, of looking at my narc sister's facebook page. On there, I saw a picture of my high level narc mom, in the ocean, laughing and smiling with her grandson's, my 2 nephews.

Life is so unfair.  As the scapegoat child of a high level narc, I was cancelled from the day I was born - no support, no love, only abuse and neglect from narcmom.  I also have some issues because I was exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero.  Because of all this, I have little to no relationship with most of my family. Narcmom did a huge smear campaign on me when I was young, and turned most of the family against me.  Most of them have treated me as if I had leprosy, so I really haven't had relationships with them for decades.  My nephews and niece never contact me, and once or twice a year, I sent them a card.  I've tried calling, but they don't take my calls.

Here she is, enjoying life and relationships with them, while I'm still very isolated, as I have been all of my life.  I have social issues, as well as avoidant and agoraphobic tendencies.  Also, I'm very slowly recovering from a 7 year chronic illness.  I have a hard time relating to my 2 grown sons, because of my social awkwardness, and they have completely different interests.  Our older son is extremely busy, so we've been unable to talk with him the past several weeks, and younger son is about to move away to another state for his first "real" job.  Feeling lonely, isolated, and sad.

I am going to take steps to help myself out of my isolation.  I'm going to reactivate my gym membership today, even if I can only do the treadmill.  I have a zoom bible study tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, when younger son goes away, hubby will have more time for me.  I know I'm getting triggered by all of this.  I'm crying a lot, and trying to be gentle with myself, and nuture my inner child.

I love this story, SWLT.  What a shining example of generosity and kindness.  The world needs more of this.