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They are kind of neither. But I have removed myself from their circle. I have this quite strong feeling I cannot ignore this anymore. That I have to face this. Has anyone felt this? If so, what did you do? Did something help?

I accepted that I had CSA in my, well, childhood. I still can't bring myself to say some words or even write them. About a year ago I came to accept this about my past. But then my mom died and it all came too overwhelming and I had to just focus on remaining functional for my kids, so I pushed it all down again. At that point I had also asked two of my friends and my therapist to help me handle this and they were all unable to do so. So I knew if I asked another person about this, I'd break if it goes even a little bit wrong.

Oh, I did tell my sister about this. She has same, from same person. And she pushed me to give consent to her to tell my siblings and father with whom my relationship is strained to say the least. I felt quite betrayed. So, anyway, I pushed all of this down to just get from day to another.

Lately I've felt pulled towards this topic through music, tv series, and then I listened to a talk in a conference about this and all the walls I had built crashed down. For the first day I felt like engaging in turn promiscuousness, self harm, etc and was just spiralling hard. I did manage not to do those things. of which I am very proud of myself.

But I do feel it coming up. It is rising to the surface probably because now I have so much more resources to handle it and am in a better situation.

But I don't know how to get started or how to protect myself as I go through this. Because when that part of me comes up, I feel myself like a 5 year old to whom A Very Big Bad Thing has happened. I can wrap myself in my weight blanket and cuddle my stuffed panther. And I am trying to find safe people whom I can discuss this with. I am also looking into finding a new therapist, but the last one avoided the topic like the plague and that does not give me much trust. So this is a kind of call for help. But I am unable to even know what help I would need.

Maybe just to be acknowledged, seen, to know I am not alone.

One song I just found that describes this journey so well is Some Days by Brent Morgan. The lyrics are:
Some days I feel I'd make a good sunset
Some days I just don't wanna give up yet
Some days it's hard to breathe
Some days I'm over being me
Some days, some days, some days
Some days I try my best to seem happy
Some days this place seems better off without me
Some days I'm overwhelmed
Some days I'm lost inside this *
Some days, some days, some days
Some days I wonder what it's like
To live an ordinary life
Maybe I won't feel this way
Some day
Some days I feel like everyone hates me
Some days I question, "Why would God create me?"
Some days I'm holding strong
Some days I'm barely hanging on
Some days, some days, some days
Some days I wonder what it's like
To live an ordinary life
Maybe I won't feel this way
Some day
Some days I wonder what it's like
To live an ordinary life
Maybe I won't feel this way
Some day

I'm so happy to hear the progress Armee 

I also could not figure out why this time there were flashbacks. It is odd. But I am very happy I have someone to help.

So an update and also here trigger warning =====




I did try sex with the man I mentioned and he clearly wants everything to be consensual. He's trying now to reassure me that he does not want sex if I don't. We did a couple of times but the last time I started getting flashbacks and dissociating. But I did manage to communicate this and we stopped. Since then I haven't wanted anything. I need to work at just the fear of him leaving if I don't say yes. I need to find the actual ability to consent. But we are discussing this openly and honestly. And he takes this as me trusting him in a very profound way. Which it is. I am being honest with not knowing how this is going to go. I have no clue. I just have these fears, these flashbacks and body memories.

Trigger warning ———



I have my own body memories. I was also about 5-6 maybe when it started. Waist height of an adult. Conveniently so. I can feel the hand at the back of my head. I can feel my jaw hurt from being forced so open. I can feel the absolute terror. Of trying to breathe. Of chocking. I know it happened repeatedly because I know The feeling of knowing it's going to happen again and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But of the event, the guilty one, or anything like that, i remember nothing. But it was at my grand parents place. Because when hearing those voices of people there again after decades brought me the terror of is he here.

For me there's no denying it. And yes, it is as Armee said for me as well. Remembering it is just as if it just happened. Except the body memories can go on and on so it is in a way feeling like it is ongoing and there's no escape from it.

But remembering it didn't start like this. It started with nightmares. With a feeling that "something happened". Continued with looking at my sexual history and seeing the re-traumatixing situations and reactions. And no, we didn't talk about this in therapy then. We're just starting to talk about it.

And I think it is worse than what I remember now. There's still worse to come up. I can't explain why or how I know it and I surely don't want it. But it feels true.

Right now I am especially fighting with my belief (thanks mom) that men have their needs that have to be fulfilled whether we want to or not, because that's our responsibility as women. Talk about toxic.

And in a sexual situation I can suddenly start having image flashbacks. I seriously don't know if there's something past this. If I will ever heal. There was never a before in a way because I was so young. So seeing an after is really hard.

I also use podcasts as you do Saluki. On low but I will focus on it and it helps me get to sleep over the difficult thoughts. I too take naps easier. But then too there's always a sound that I can listen to. It would be lovely to sleep easily and well but it is what it is right now. It is something I believe and hope will fix itself when my body has had enough of safety to allow it.

My dog is also very much an emotional support animal. When I am upset, stressed etc he will growl at other dogs to keep them away and bark more at things that could be dangerous (in his mind). He will stay close to me and keeps bugging me for attention to get me to focus on him and not on disappearing in my head. He gets me out 4 times each day no matter how I feel. I sometimes think why on earth I got him when I did and made my life so much more difficult but most days I know. He keeps me functional, calmer, and in every way doing better than I would without him. He's a 1,5 year old Lapphund.

That is already a lot Blueberry! Thank you also Armee, NarcKiddo and Blue_sky.
I was also taught that a woman should always make sure the mans needs are met. That is a horrid and one sided view I will not pass on to my daughters. It should be about meeting needs of all involved and respecting the boundaries of all.

Talked with my therapist about this today. He's of the opinion I could just tell the other honestly what's the situation and ask if he wants to help me heal here.
Some healing has already taken place. I used to need being fat because no one bothers a fat one. Well, that was my thinking anyway. Losing even a bit of weight would make me panic. Now I've lost 12kg and no panic yet.
But yeah. Sex scares me on a very profound level. With the man I am thinking of, it got a bit heated while staying fully within the boundaries I have set last week. And all I could think about was how far I can let this go before he can't stop anymore. The assumption is always there that it will go horribly wrong.
He did pick up on the change in mood fast and also my dog came to lick our faces probably sensing my discomfort. Good dog.

To start with, I am currently not in a sexual relationship. I've run away from the topic completely since memories of CSA have resurfaced. Now I am thinking about it.
I have knowledge of some parts in my dissociative system and they don't agree on this topic at all. Some want to just run fast and far away. Other wants to heal this area too. And so forth.
I don't want to talk about this with the other because previous such discussions have not gone well. But I don't know what to think and how to proceed. Ideas?

For me I feel less adrift now. Not all of it is good, but having more of my life back kind of feels I have a past, and roots, and it helps me stay better focused on who I am, what I need, and all that.

I have read many posts about finding it hard to talk about issues. I have the opposite problem. For me the safe place has always been in being the broken one, the messed up one, tha one needing guidence and mentoring.

Which is weird as I was parentified at an early age, spent most of my teenage years trying to be toe good kid to offset the worry caused by the scapegoated child.

I would like to, what my T calls it, step into my power. But don't know how. It is soooo easy to go on about all the ways in which I'm broken. But not disclosing them? About keeping them private, as they should be in many instances?

It's this compulsion to overshare. Might be the lack of boundaries as they were not allowed in childhood.

But what role is it to be this? And how to stop being this?

I have shared the feeling of not trusting myself and that which you described storyworld. It took me a long time to start believing myself and validating my own experiences. I still struggle at times with it. But now I can say that it WAS bad for me.

And hey, it makes perfect sense when a parent manipulates, to learn NOT to trust yourself. Because the truth is never the truth. And your experience is always wrong and someone else explains how thing REALLY are. So it makes perfect sense. And that, for me, was one indication of how bad it had been.

The thing that helped me most, I think, was this forum. The validation from others who have been there, cut through all the doubt. Also reading on trauma, attachment etc. helped.

I had a similar thing. I blocked out my childhood completely for a while. When the dam broke and stuff came through, eventually the good abd neutral stuff started to return too. Like I used to study japanese as a child. Or saxophone as a teenager.

It is a strange thing but good. I feel less rootless and more grounded. It has clearly strengthened my identity and helped me to less question my existence (or right to it).

So much bad stuff has come up, I'm really happy some good stuff comes too. My T asked me to weite a lifeline in a way where I draw a line in the middle of the paper. Below that come the bad stuff and above that the good stuff. I noticed that even when things were really bad, they weren't all bad. There has always been some good to help me survive.