Messages

perfect, blueberry.  i'm there with it all.

i think rapport is a very good word for this, saluki.  i like what was told to you.  hope it goes smoothly, and best to you with all of it.  love and hugs

vaccines, sick, worn out.

have you had your first appt. yet, saluki?  hope it went well.  love and hugs

thanks for writing this, hope.  i like the idea that you were able to talk to yourself, tell yourself it's ok to write your experience/feelings down, and then listen to what you said to yourself.  i think that's big.  i also really like that the author said any kind of relationship has value in itself, no matter how long it lasts.  i do think we can learn from everything we do, whether it was pos. or neg., and move on if that's what's needed.  i do not think that because something doesn't work out for us long term it means it was a failure, or we failed.  to me, the important thing is that we gave it a shot.

sounds like some pretty good stuff you're learning.  i like it.  love and hugs

NK, SO, hope, and  blueberry - thank you all so very much for the wonderful birthday wishes.  they brought smiles to my heart!        

NK, i'm glad i tore it up as well.  i still have to go further, tell her not to send stuff like that to me anymore.  working up the courage for that! thanks.

SO, that's such a wonderful wish!  it would be fantastic to be able to sleep regularly.  thank you! 

have been up thinking about what i want to say about that religious stuff to my cousin.  i've had to wait a few days cuz immediately, i wanted to thrash out at her and didn't care if i broke the relationship or not.  my D, who can be very levelheaded when it comes to these things helped me calm down, so i believe i can write something civil while still getting my point across.  i hope.

my birthday was good, but it's gnawing at me about being 78.  somehow or another i've crossed the 'old' threshold, and it feels weird.  hopefully it's a temporary thing. 

SO, sending you all kinds of support and strength for what lies ahead for you with your mom.  confronting someone, telling them what's really on your mind, how things have been affecting you - whatever it is that is personal and important for you to say to them is freakin' scary and difficult, and i give you so many kudos for getting to the point where you're ready to do so.  i hope it goes smoothly and that afterwards you feel just the way you hoped you would feel.  standing with you on this.  love and hugs

bach, actually because i am a trauma therapist, i really can't advise anyone to use any modality on themselves.  from my own experience, even in training, i went way over my own threshold without knowing it, and got into some real emotional trouble.  it took one of the trainers several different tries to bring me back to some sense of normality. so,  sorry, but not having you as a client, i cannot in good faith tell you what you might try on your own.  wish it could be otherwise.  but i do hope you find someone who helps.  love and hugs

am quite distressed/disturbed because my cousin, who i've known all my life, and i do know cares about me, and who is very religious, sent me a birthday card full of 'god' stuff, bible quotes, telling me she hoped i found it uplifting.  in fact, it did quite the opposite, distressed me a lot, i ended up tearing the card to bits.  that kind of thing hits me all wrong.  thankfully, my D understood, and it was really good to have her support in that.

i'm not sure what's behind it - i was very church-y, albeit in a different religion than hers, but i grew away from organized religion a long time ago.  i found too much hypocrisy for my taste.  i'm not putting anyone or their beliefs down - if it helps, i think it's great.  i just don't want it put on me, cuz it does not help me.

i so agree w/ NK, especially about parents not wanting to have to deal w/ autonomous children.  my mother loved babies, but once they got to toddlerhood, she didn't really know much about what to do with us.  i saw it happen w/ my own D1 - no matter what i said about not allowing my children to have sugar, every time she babysat, she'd always walk w/ my D1 to the corner store, buy her all the candy she wanted, and kept a drawer of candy in her kitchen for my kid to dig into whenever she wanted.  she didn't want to discipline or in any way have my D1 get angry at her or dislike her.

so, parents put their own set of expectations on their kids.  it sounds like you had an instance where they might not have been told directly to you, per se, but you learned about them nonetheless thru osmosis or something.  those lessons sit just as hard w/ us, just as unforgiving, as if we'd been told outright.  i can't tell you how many young people i've seen who have body issues mainly because of watching their moms struggle w/ their own eating and dieting issues.  it doesn't have to be direct words to us.  by example is just as strong.

not a child, nor a grown-up - at times that's exactly how i feel.  thank you for putting that here - i thought i was being foolish, stupid, lacking something that i should be doing or a way to think.  no, it's just another residual from trauma.  love and hugs, bach

saluki, i'm so glad to hear you had at least one trauma taken care of.  it's a start. i just know if that can happen one time, it can happen again and again.  i give you a lot of credit for giving it a shot.

i hear you on 'benign' things being triggers - i have that problem as well.  it's as if much of my world is now tainted because of all the connections there are, many of them springing up into my face when i least expect them, and ruining an experience which might otherwise be positive. 

and, yes, EMDR can be done online, or even over the phone.  because of my autistic bent, i did better over the phone.  my T would tap out the rhythm for me and i could tap along or have my eyes move in time w/ her tapping.  my very first experience w/ EMDR, the T used a light bar for my eyes to follow, and also had me wear headphones in order to hear sounds, first in one ear then the other.  this was the least helpful for me - it felt very impersonal.  so, the ways and means of doing it also depend on your comfort level.  EMDR is very flexible, and you can get results from the way that works best for you.

and, i agree, your traumas were not your fault.  that's the telling part about trauma, to my mind, is that it makes us believe that someone else's actions were because of us, somehow - what we said, what we did, who we were, etc.  none of that is true - we didn't ask for it (unless there was some kind of threat, coercion, or manipulation going on), and we weren't the cause of it. those of us who have been traumatized tend to blame ourselves - that's the power of what we've been told by others, often our abusers.  no, you were not to blame, no matter what it was that happened to you.  i'm glad you were able to realize that for one of your traumas, and can only hope you can realize the same for others.  i think it's one of the most difficult truths for us to embrace.

good luck with your new T.  i do hope you find some relief, lots of healing, and loads of self-love along the way.  you so deserve it.  sending love and hugs your way.

thanks, NK.  i actually slept ok the last 2 nites, but last nite, very limited meds, and it made a difference.  i know how much i need to take to make my sleep restful and enough - just can't always do that right now.  soooo, here's hoping i get the help i need with the new doc. 

my D's mammo came out clean, thank everything good.  one hurdle down.  she's at the dentist today, see if that can't get resolved as well.  i'll be going w/ her cuz she's very anxious about what's going on in her mouth.  i hope they are gentle dentists.

my birthday is tues. 78.  old age.  it's trippy, cuz i write things like 'trippy', like i'm still 27, which, in spirit i am, but i'm seeing a lot more signs physically, especially my neck, hands, upper arms, all those old people places.  i've got to give a shout out to my skin, tho - it has taken so many hits for me that, as far as i know, my innards haven't had to deal w/.  i think i don't have any major organ problems, etc. and my face and hair color are still intact for the most part, don't look my age at all yet, so i'm not really complaining.  it's just kind of a shock to see my age creep up on me when i haven't been looking! 

my D told me that she worked at a condo for several years, and a lot of older people there would tell her not to get old.  in her mind, she said, 'so, at what age should i kill myself?  that's the only way i won't grow old.'  i told her yesterday that i wouldn't ever tell her not to grow old cuz it's actually an adventure!  always new and different things to contend with, think about, notice, accept, adapt to, change (like eating habits - my system just will not accept certain things, like sugar, which i used to eat in great quantities when i was a kid, without a massive rebellion. 

besides which, i'm one of the fortunate ones who can still read, write, understand, do most things for myself (yeah, technology can throw me, dealing w/ strangers on the phone and bureaucracy i usually have to have my D help me with) but for the most part i'm doing ok physically and mentally.  psychologically is another story sometimes, but there it is.  the point is i'm still here, and there are a lot of people who aren't, who haven't made it this far for one reason or another, and altho i've had a pretty wild life in some respects - alc. and drugs come to mind - i've managed for the most part to set the bad/neg. stuff aside and go on w/o it.  i'm pretty blessed.

that's my birthday speech for this year. 

not getting restful sleep sucks.  not getting enough also sucks.  i sure hope i'll be able to get more meds - my stash is running low, but my dr. appt. isn't till next month yet.  ugh!!!

just wanted to complain.

hey, saluki,

i'm an EMDR therapist, and have utilized EMDR in my own therapy.  honestly, it is/can be a wondrous technique when used correctly, and the client's diagnosis is known and understood.  altho it was originally developed for ptsd, and has had some seemingly 'miraculous' results, some therapists have been slow, as in so many of the helping/medical professions, to understand the difference between the two diagnoses.

more and more, however, are getting onto the c-ptsd bandwagon, understanding the differences, the underlying causes, and how it can present itself in so many different ways - like dissociation, the 4 F's, the emotional components, the triggers, body/brain responses, etc., and how they are relationally connected.  and that's a good thing to look for in a therapist.  if they don't know/understand it all, at least they need to be willing to do some research in order to learn, talk it over w/ their client, and reassure the client that they, themselves, can not do therapy wrong, that EMDR doesn't work the same for everyone, and that w/ their client, they will look for the ways and means to best help, or will admit it's beyond them, and recommend them to someone else.

so, in my mind, client/therapist relationship is paramount for any psychological progress to be made.  as far as the actual technique, EMDR can help a client in ways talk therapy just can't reach, because it helps stimulate our brain/mind to undo memories, actions, situations, etc. which have been stuck inside us in harmful ways.  it can help us stop reliving our horrors.  it can make those pictures we have stored inside dissolve down to a miniscule rendering so that it does not bother us, and sometimes can't even be pictured anymore.  in that sense, it can seem miraculous.

there are also iterations of EMDR, such as the Flash Technique, which can be helpful.  i've used this extensively in my own therapy as a way to keep from getting overwhelmed by emotional tsunamis, so to speak.  it worked wonders for me - i was able to make more progress on trauma issues in 5 yrs. than i had with various other types of therapy in over 30 yrs. there are other forum members who have had varying degrees of success w/ EMDR, and i hope you hear from some of them. i am presently looking for a new therapist (i moved to another state), and i'm hoping to find someone who is trained in EMDR - it is my first choice.

best to you with this.  i hope what i wrote is helpful.  any questions, feel free.  love and hugs

thanks, NK.  better today - too stressful, that game, and stress gets me every time.

just recovering.  last day of sept.  for the first time, i forgot D1's birthday this month.  it was strange to realize that.  don't feel guilty, or i don't recognize it.  but it feels strange as a mom to forget her kid's b-day.