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feeling pretty good today.  there seems to be a shift that has happened, and i'm not sure about it yet.  w/ all that happened the past 2 weeks, my level of exhaustion has not been where i expected it to be - much lower - and after everything w/ my therapy breakdown and my D being sick, and me running around, chores, errands, driving here and there to pick up medicine and such for her, cooking, (that's a biggie) to make it easier for her, i did not get stress flu.  very unusual, and something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  i'm not sure about this yet, just cautiously watching myself.  it feels different, tho.

today is the girls' luncheon.  we'll see how that goes.  haven't done something like this is many ages, especially w/ there being someone present who i don't know. 

hey, hannah1, as to your question 'whose fault is it?', i'd always say it's not the victim's fault.  we've been victims of others' behaviors, examples, words - not saying we have stayed in the victim mode - and the victim is not to blame.  blame and shame and guilt all belong to the perpetrator(s).  we've acted in a way always to protect ourselves from further harm.  even if it was a passive stance, such as fawning or freezing, it was an action we undertook to keep ourselves safe.  that's my take on it anyway. 

also, the way i see it, our feelings (i learned this somewhere along the way, and it made sense to me) are directed by our experiences.  if we've experienced love, we feel love, we can give love, we can accept love.  if we were shamed, if shame was put on us by others for our actions, words, thoughts, whatever, we adopted it as part of ourselves, even tho it wasn't ours to begin with.  we had no choice - we had to live w/ the people who shamed us so to make ourselves more worthy of their care, we brought it into ourselves as a way, once again, to protect ourselves. 

didn't i once hear that shame comes from conscience?  that people w/o a conscience don't feel shame?  or guilt, for that matter?  but if we were manipulated w/ shame/guilt and it was equated to us being 'bad', we didn't have the logic, perspective, knowledge about ourselves as humans to say 'NO'!  i think there is a natural shame built into us, like when we begin being aware of our bodies and don't want them to be on display.  that's an instinctual boundary, tho, isn't it? not as a way to think of ourselves as bad, somehow, but to protect our rights to our own bodies. 

there's so much here, and i just rambled some of the stuff i've heard about these things, that make sense to me.  if this doesn't sit well with you, please let me know.  love and hugs

i agree w/ hannah1 - you gave the original idea to your M, now it's hers to do with as she thinks best.  i had a good friend who once told me there were 2 problems between people - one is there's, the other is yours.  and if we sort out which is which, we can live a healthier life (or words to that effect).  i've found that philosophy extremely helpful at times when stuck w/ thinking i had to fix someone else's problem.  nope, it's not mine to fix, and what a relief that was.

just some thoughts.  i hope you can continue to know and hold your boundaries, NK.  you're on your way.  love and hugs

your contagious healthy steps have taken hold of me, blueberry.  not only did my feet waggle, but i did some weights today as well.  thank you so for your inspiration!  love and hugs

by the by, thank you NK for the hugs.  greatly appreciated.

still tired today.  last nite i had a bout of sadness? melancholy? out of sorts? whatever it was, it told me that i'm still healing from the past 2 weeks, still need to rest, relax, play some games, all that jazz.

NK, Whether the other shoe drops or not, you still did what you needed to do in the conversation with H! And that's something to celebrate! In the moment you were able to ask for what you need and reject what did not work. Wow!!!     

i concur!  well done!  love and hugs
 

blueberry, different days, different needs, indeed!  so glad you followed where you needed to go instead of where you thought was right.  sometimes our minds can fool us, for sure, but there's something else, gut? sense? a knowing? that also speaks to us, and to my mind it takes a special something to be able to change course and follow it instead.  well done!  love and hugs

hannah1, it sounds as if you are truly making progress, recognizing roles, how they impacted your 'self', finding your 'self' in spite of the roles you were pushed into, and coming to the realization that this wasn't your fault, isn't your fault, isn't the soul of you.  great work!  love and hugs

what a lovely sentiment, hannah1 - i'm allowed to be me.  haven't heard much of that thru the years, so it's always welcome and kind of exciting, too.  thank you,

off to the pharmacy and grocery store.  my D's first day out in 2 weeks.  whew!  it's been a long haul, lots of stuff, and i can't wait to have a day where there is nothing pressing to do for an entire day.

yay for progress, blueberry!!!  i'm all for it.  and, again, i was activated to do foot waggles before i got up and my door stretch, which hurts like a mutha, but sometimes, that's what it takes.  so, thanks again for the motivation.  and congrats to you for being able to let the duolingo thing go, knowing you made progress in other areas.  love and hugs

blue sky, i can't imagine all the thoughts, fears that might be going thru your mind after seeing that picture.  triggers for you because of your experience w/ that little girl's father, fears that he may do the same to her, confusion about family's concerns, and what to do about your own, to name several that came to mind.  if you have a T, i hope you can get some help there.  if not, maybe writing all your emotions down, what they're connected to, etc., might help give you some clarity.  options you have and the pros and cons for each.  sometimes i've found it helpful to get this kind of thing out of my head and see it in black and white.  don't know if that's helpful for you or not.

at any rate, i think it's an awful situation for you, and whatever you choose to say, think, or do, i hope you know that it is the right thing for you at this present time.  what you decide now might be something different than what you decide later, or what you might've decided yesterday.  another thing that's helped me is to write down my decision in just the words i would like to use, then let it sit w/o doing anything for a day or two and revisit it.  for me, it gives me time to be concrete about if that's what i really want to do, and it also allows me to revisit my initial way of saying it (or leaving it alone) and making revisions that seem pertinent.

you have time, and because it's a sticky family situation, you can take as much time as you need.  another little thing i've used on myself is the regret question:  if i do/don't do whatever, will i regret it later?  anyway, don't know if any of this is helpful, but just some thoughts of what i've done for myself in the past when faced w/ sticky/uncomfortable choices and decisions, like finally going NC w/ my oldest daughter, to name one.  of course, i thoroughly support whatever decision you go with.  only you know what's best for you and the situation.  love and hugs

thanks, NK.  the smile is mostly still there.  actually, 'the girls' thing got cancelled, which enabled me to get medicine for my D and go to the food bank, which i'm glad of cuz we needed it, but it is a hassle nonetheless, and would've been too much next to the drive to my galpal's place.  i have a Rx waiting, but that'll wait till tomorrow.  'the girls' are now scheduled for next tues. and i think that timing will be better all the way around.  so, things work out sometimes, right? 

thank you blueberry, for your support - always appreciated.  the hair and makeup is quite new, and in fact, i've even added foundation now - it seems that as we get older our complexions change!!!  i've kind of been noticing but ignoring the blotchiness on my face, but now i'm smoothing it out a bit more, and that feels good.  i couldn't wait to wear makeup when i was in high school, but wasn't allowed (part of not letting me be a girl, which i wanted to be, which i was but not allowed to express very much).  so, the hair and makeup is me reclaiming my girl-ness.  never too late, right?

PC, thank you so for the support.  my D IS a real sweetheart, and because of that i've been able to learn to lean on someone, finally, which feels really nice.

i've been so activated by what i've read this morning that i did my door stretch, moved my feet back and forth, and lifted weights.  i can feel the movement my muscles have gone thru and it feels really good. 

and suddenly there's a feeling inside, in my gut area, like something wants to be vomited out.  where did that come from?

i like your cheer and encouragement at the end, hannah1     absolutely!  sounds like you've made a lot of progress, even if at times it doesn't seem that way to you.

keep going, my friend.  i'm being inspired all over the place from people here.  love and hugs

blueberry, i like the idea of strands converging.  something about that hit me.  in a good way.  i like that image, want to hang onto it.  it fits w/ the idea of so many different strands of abuse/trauma that have been dangling inside us, scaring us, jumping out and spooking us when we had no idea they were there. to be able to allow those strands to converge, either to wipe each other out or meld into each other, or whatever else strands might do could very much be a recovering possibility.

so glad you mentioned it.  thanks.  love and hugs

THE ANSWERS ARE IN ME, STORED IN MY BODY.

i think this is quite the revelation, blueberry!  could that, then, be extrapolated to most of us?  many of us?  me?  fyi, reading this activated me to do my door stretch - painful but i know it's good for me cuz my muscles are so scrunched up from ongoing tension/stress.  so, thank you for that. 

i also like the foot wiggles, the sewing machine movements.  i have actually done those randomly, but this inspired me to do them more intentionally, especially after sleeping.  we'll see if i remember, but i think it's a great idea.

somatic release, isn't this?  yeah, i can definitely use more of that.  i don't know about finding answers in my body yet, but who knows what might turn up?  thanks for writing about this.  love and hugs