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thank you, TBB, me too!  here's to the beginning of what i'm afraid will be a slow, arduous journey, but maybe in the end will be quicker to resolution.

i just wrote about deprivation in the childhood section, and as i kept writing, it kind of overwhelmed me how far-reaching those tentacles were.  wow!

when speaking w/ my new T the other day, telling her a little about my early years, the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth.  altho i've spoken before about being touch deprived, when i was talking to my T, the encompassing word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth and i realized i'm dealing w/ more than being deprived of touch. 

i can see the idea of deprivation pervading so much of my life now.  touch deprivation and how i would trade my body just to be touched, how, when i was drunk, i'd sling an arm over the shoulders of whoever i went out with, i touch peoples' arms when talking to them, even back when i smoked, and a man would offer to light my cigarette, i'd touch his hand to guide the light toward me.

deprived of the basics of living.  i remember dusting, once, then watching as my M went over the spaces i'd just dusted cuz apparently i left a few motes behind.  i once asked her if she'd teach me to cook, her answer was 'you'll have plenty of time to learn when you're married.'  this deprivation led to nearly being asked to leave the apt. i was living in w/ my S and 2 girlfriends, the first time my S and i were living somewhere other than under my parents' roof. my friends told us that if we didn't get our act together about cleaning up after ourselves, making our own food, helping w/ household chores, they were going to have to ask us to leave.  how embarrassing was that!  somehow they helped us learn what we'd never learned from our M, and had a long, lovely relationship w/ them in the end.

then the idea of deprivation on a broader scale began taking over my mind.  i was deprived of feeling like a girl, being like a girl - it was an aunt of mine who get me my first bra, talked to me about how my breasts were developing. not a word from my mother before or after. i dressed up in my dad's clothes once when i was about 5, and he laughed (i made him happy!) and nicknamed me after a comic strip character who was a boy.  when i got teased for having hair on my legs, my parents would not allow me to shave them - my dad told me that once i started doing that i'd have to do that the rest of my life - so i began wearing knee highs all the time.  when i told him i wanted to be a princess, he told me no, i didn't.  i wasn't allowed to wear makeup until i was a senior in high school, even tho i'd sneak some eyeliner every so often.  and one christmas my S and i got undershirts, which my mom noticed were for boys, and my F said 'well, they act like boys anyway.'

that deprivation evolved into me being ashamed of my 'lady parts', especially my breasts, and i've always felt uncomfortable about them, believing them to be ugly and needing to be hidden away under baggy shirts, often from the men's department.  i've worn a lot of men's clothes in my life, feeling uncomfortable in the form fit of clothes for women.  but one of my dearest memories was when i was about 5, our family went to a convention for where my F worked, and i was dressed in a wonderful taffeta black and white striped dress.  i saw a picture of me in it, and i was smiling so wide, so happy to be dressed like a girl. i loved that dress, but i don't remember ever being able to wear it again.

deprived of support, nurturing, celebration for what i accomplished.  nearly all my life i've been looking to make my F proud of me, accomplishing this and that and the other, things no one in our extended family had done.  he died when i was in my 20's, but the push to make him proud lingered, drove me to do more and more.  maybe this time . .  .

telling my parents how lonely i felt, crying about it cuz i was so distressed met w/ the 2 of them standing, looking at me, questioning me as to whether i was mental and needed a shrink.  no arm around the shoulder from either, no hug, no 'bringing me in' to comfort me.

bedtime was cold, dark, robotic.  never hugs, no kisses, no bedtime stories or being tucked in.

'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' was the type of attention i got  when distressed, sad, scared, whatever i might have been. deprived of nurturing, warmth, empathy or sympathy. questions weren't allowed, somehow ii knew that, so i learned to make things ok in my world the best i could. expectations ruled my roost, expected to be perfect yet given no encouragement other than 'next time you can do better'.

and when i got older, got into marriages, 3 of them, for one reason or another i was deprived of sex by all 3 hubs.  that deprivation led to me questioning my desirability as a woman.  all along the way i was deprived of kindness, care, consideration even by friends.  i was deprived of respect by the head of therapy cuz i didn't work w/ the girls therapeutically the same way she knew how to do.  she expected me to do.

so, the idea of deprivation, when it came out of my mouth last monday, hit me hard.  i believe it added to the confusion, not only about myself but about my role in the world, among people, in relationships, classes - whatever it was i was being part of.  i just didn't know how.

i needed to write this down, get it out of me, see it in black and white, so to speak.  it's much larger than i knew, had much more impact on my 'being' than i could've guessed.  i did order some clogs last year, and for the first time i remember, i wanted them to be feminine clogs, not unisex.  at the time i was struck by that, but i really love them and how they look.  i do want to be a girl after all, i am a girl, and i'm finally feeling more ok with being one.

and on and on.  this sense of deprivation, which i've kind of known is now out in full force.  dealing with it will be another level, but at least i know what i'm dealing with.  it's turned out to be an insidious wounding, not blasting in your face kind of wound, nothing physical was dealt me (which is part of the problem), yet deprivation has had long and lasting impacts on my life and living.  deep breath, and into the breach i go.

hannah1, i totally agree.  having someone listen and also having appropriate responses to what i'm saying - different from just sitting there like a robot w/ no reaction at all - does feel like i'm not only being heard but validated at the same time, which is gold to me.  since i've had no reactions for so long, so much confusion about myself and what i'm going thru, those reactions mean the world to me.  i must remember to tell her that next time.  it is a healing feeling.  thanks for reiterating that for me.

i'm now looking forward to my next session.  feeling calmer feels very good.  it seems that calm comes to me only every so often, lasts a short time, then disappears and i can't get it back no matter what i try/do.  so, this was really nice. 

my galpal cancelled my visit today - she sounded very stuffy on phone and said she's got a dry cough.  her D has been sick since christmas, and my galpal went over there last week to help take care of her.  i mentioned she might have gotten sick from that visit.  suddenly she decided that she didn't really think she was sick, as in ill, and we'll reschedule for next week.  i said i'm fine w/ waiting until she's completely well, she kind of again asserted she didn't think she was really sick, just caught a cough somehow.  i told her if i were to come over and she was still coughing i'd be masking up, and she was fine w/ that.

when i told my D all this, she immediately began shaking her head, as in NO NO NO, not a good thing.  so, we'll evaluate how it goes, how she feels once the weekend is over.  i feel sick-y enough too often to risk getting ill for real.  since covid started, i've been very careful.  the only thing i got was that norovirus, the puking flu, and i wanted to die. the worst of it lasted overnite, but i was ill because of it for a good week, maybe more.  no thank you.

NK, for me it was like a shot of adrenaline!  thank you so for your support.  the session w/ my T went very well.  we're in the 'getting to know you' stage.  i think she's just right for me right now.

chart, of course.  anytime, you can picture me there w/ that ol' bazooka.  happy to take him on! 

the T session was great.  didn't really get any answers for what's been driving me crazy, but maybe i don't need them right now.  i talked a lot about how my body reacts to having to always hold those emotions inside, like losing my legs, and she was amazed - never heard of anyone having that problem before.  she said she looked up alexithymia, so i think she understands it a bit more, but i also explained as best i could about how the brain parts having to do w/ emotions/feelings aren't connected.

i think she's going to be learning a lot.

i just feel calmer, which is a good thing.

also had a bit of a dust-up at the pharmacy - seems the directions for my xanax prescription went wonky, but will now be rectified.  i'll be getting more than i knew, which sent a wave of relief through me.  i've been toughing it out most of the time w/ my anxiety or some of the physical stuff, and now i can just take some meds and feel better.  that's going to be different but wonderful, i think.  like i won't have to be gritting my teeth all the time just to get thru the day.

hannah1, congrats to you for allowing yourself to feel weak, for learning how to rest.  2 things so many of us weren't taught, didn't learn, weren't allowed.  shame, guilt, humiliation - so much bad was heaped upon us    for not being strong all the time.  those are bricks of expectation to always do, do, do.  i'm so glad to hear you were able to sing a love song to your little hannah.  it brought the sweetest picture to my mind.   

and very glad your family can take care of themselves for this bit - that's the best!  keep taking care of you, ok?  you deserve it.  love and hugs

thanks for the solidarity, hannah1.  it's a rough way to start the day.

TBB, sorry to hear you're going thru it as well.  thank you for the support.  hope therapy helps us both.

chart, thanks for sharing.  i'm sending a caring hug filled w/ a giant bazooka to blow that frickin' minotaur into the next universe, where it belongs.      that's the look on its face when it sees what's coming at it. and . . . there it goes!      that's me waving good-bye to it!

whew, seems that vanquishing minotaurs first thing in the morning gets my adrenaline going!

looking forward to seeing my T, seeing what she's got in store for me and also hoping to figure out those explosive tears, what's behind them.  emotional dysregulation?  could that be a new label i can attach to my lapel?

as TBB said, here we hold each other together, hold the net when you're on the tightwire a million feet above, isolated, alone, thinking you have to do it all by yourself.  we are here for you, hannah1.

i can so relate to the loneliness, to not bothering parents w/ anything amiss.  it is a burden just to have to figure out and take care of yourself at all times, let alone a 3-yr. old when you're a child yourself.  my heart goes out to you.  the chores will wait, you deserve that, have always deserved that.   sending love and a hug filled with   gentleness to all of you.   

terrible anxiety this morning, lots of neg. remembrances as i lay in bed not yet ready to get up but the only way to stop them was to get moving.  therapy tomorrow - so glad of that.  this crapola is driving me nuts!

thank you so much for your solidarity w/ me, TBB.  i do appreciate it. all this stuff has been distressing to me, the more i've learned, the more distressing it becomes.  and i really haven't recognized much pain before, so feeling it now is new, and extremely distressing.  part of the process of moving forward, i guess.  good to have you on my side.

i can feel if something is physically painful, but i've learned over the years that i can also endure a lot of pain in that realm.  this emotional pain, while i've spoken about it - such as, it's painful to have an estranged D1 - i don't really feel it.  my outburst the other week i'm only beginning to understand the pain in it, how those were not tears of joy, but distressing tears.

i just read a 10-yr. old post of mine where i spoke of being in church and not being able to sing hymns that spoke of being loved by god/jesus because i'd start crying.  am i crying for not having the feelings of being loved, cared for/about?  am i crying for a lack of something?  am i just sad or am i feeling the pain of that lack?  i still am not sure. 

enjoy!  love and hugs

hannah1, i'm so glad you decided to play w/ clothes - i found a lot of enjoyment in it!  and gray is one of my very favorite colors, so i get it.  beautiful.  sounds like you hit the right nail on the head, here.  well done!  love and hugs

armee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this.  the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain?  i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru.  maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those.  i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.

so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart!  i don't know what to do with it.  it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief.   i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away.  so, i'll keep exploding i guess.

i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts.  it does hurt.  it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it.  so the tears come.  i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears. 

i don't know.  i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out.  at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it.  i'm exhausted.

hope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am.  i think that's the best.  love and hugs

i think you do, too, SO.  it was a really lovely poem.  thank you for sharing it.

i like your analysis re: more space and silence.  i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose.  everyone's palettes are different.  this was nice.  love and hugs

hannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.

i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps.  or none, according to how you feel about it.

when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents.  needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality.  it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked. 

do what you need to do so you can feel better about you.  you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want.  choices and decisions - and lots of practice.  it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be.  love and hugs