Messages

blueberry, i do believe anxiety is a major cause of stress flu, and it's anxiety related to c-ptsd, which isn't ordinarily recognized in most places, so i can totally see why it wouldn't have been listed as a 'cause' for stress flu.  so much of my stress is directly caused by anxiety, i kind of see them going hand in hand a lot of the time.  but, at least for me, anxiety is extremely stressful to have and deal with.

and, i actually had a huge bout of this the other nite, due, i am sure, by my anxiety over the doc appt. i went to yesterday.  major chills for nearly 2 hrs., bundled up to sleep out in the living room, slept 2 hrs., woke up feeling feverish and hot, and went to bed.  but i thought of you and your post about how you felt, and in my mind i went, yep, right there with you, blueberry. 

so, i'm still feeling some of the effects of it today - it takes a while with me for this to run its course, but it's all about rest now, just being in my little groove till everything smooths out again.

hey, D.A.G, my oldest D (D1) and i haven't had contact in over 13 yrs. - she doesn't want me in her life anymore.  when you mentioned how other people see a kid who's NC w/ a parent, and that it doesn't look good for the parent, yeah, you're right.  in my case, tho, it's because my D1 has made up stories about me and stuff i've supposedly 'done' to her.  long story, (and our family also thought/hoped that once a lot of her mental illness stuff was resolved, she would see us in a different light as well - her F and her S have both pulled aways from her, too, gone NC, and still are, not just me) but people are going to think what they will because of what the people in our lives tell them to think.  your M has her own perspective on the world, on her place in it, and that's where her narrative comes from. 

unfortunately, we can't do anything about that.  i understand the idea of still loving them, no matter what, of missing them, the heart wounds that don't go away.  over time it gets easier, even if it doesn't fully go away.  my heart goes out to you as you struggle w/ this.  it touches so much of our lives, doesn't it.

thinking of you.  love and hugs

thank you, blueberry. 

the appt. went pretty ok.  the doc talked pretty loudly, and i felt myself shrinking, then my D hopped into the conversation, said she had a headache, could the doc speak more quietly, please?  and she did, so that helped.  but i got my meds for sleep, altho she was really pushing me to go see a T, which i can't afford right now (i have doc bills that will have to get paid, for one thing!), and i got bloodwork done, which i haven't had in nearly 10 yrs., so at least i'll see what's going on inside.

the downside is that i felt like i was pushed onto on the medical hamster wheel now.  have you had this done?  here's a number to call and make an appt.  what about that?  another card. no rush, but  . . . i can't afford more tests - it's gonna be a stretch just to pay for what i had done yesterday - more financial crapola!!!  so, i hate the pressure to get this and that done. 

i got meds, at least, altho no xanax now.  she won't prescribe it for the 'addiction' reason.  i know i've gotten physically addicted to them, can't take that stuff for 15 yrs. and not get addicted, but i'm not into getting high off them, only take enough to allow me to be able to, not even enjoy, that's not the word and not how i feel, but to be able to function in life.  but i did get something for my restless legs and some anti-dep/anxiety meds, and some sedative stuff - which i've had before - to help me get to sleep.  so, i should be good to go.

phew!!! 

so happy to see you here, chart.  enjoy, enjoy!

that fire sounds wonderful, and we had our first snow today, so that's always fun to see, and your cozy fire makes it all the more delicious.  hot chocolate at the ready, and fresh snickerdoodles - sugar and carb free!  i'm gonna relax and enjoy my book - am reading steven king's 'dark tower' series, book 1 - the gunslinger.  not really horror, more of a 'firefly' feel, it's a little bit here but a little bit magic, too.  a good blend and i'm looking forward to reading all 7 books of the series.  so, yeah, rest and relax in my rocking chair, smelling the logs burning, hearing them crackle.  relaxing.

'go along to get along' is what came up for me about your chiropractor visits, SH.  go along to the chiro, so to speak.

it's amazing to me how this whole tech thing has taken over peoples' lives.  i do know i'd have a hard time w/o my computer now, but i didn't grow up w/ one, didn't own one till i went back to college in my 40's, and when i've been on vacation, i don't miss it too much.  i could re-accommodate myself w/o if i had to, except for this forum.  i do have the old flip-phone, and find it just fine - i don't really need more.  i still prefer phone calls to texts - call me old-fashioned, but i like hearing a person's voice, hear their personality coming thru, hear the nuances of voice tone and expression.  i am a people person after all.

give me a forest, a garden, weather - we had our first snow today! - a few good people in my life and i'm pretty much ok. keep taking care of you.  love and hugs

SO, i love that the fight is still there!  as long as we have that, i believe we'll be ok.  well done on the wine stranger at the door.  very brave, very adult.  keep going, ok?  i think you're doing really well. and hope your alone trip is helpful, encouraging, restful, and challenging.  love and hugs

i know this is an old topic, but for some reason i read it and can now relate to it.  losing my legs, as i've posted about many times in the past, sounds like it fits this - something i didn't know had its own name. so many times while in mexico, and when i moved back to the states, i would suddenly lose the ability to use my legs well.  it was like they stopped working properly, and i could only move very, very slowly. this happened countless times - it would come on unexpectedly, stay however long, then one day i'd be able to walk normally again.

i'm now convinced this was related to unexpressed anger.  possibly other unexpressed emotions as well.  i just talked to my D the other day, actually, about the fact that i haven't 'lost my legs' in quite a while, and can link that to being able to be more in touch w/ my emotions, especially anger.  so, conversion disorder, huh?  well, i'll be.  you learn something new every day.  thanks for posting about this.

dear blueberry, i do hope you feel better soon, whatever the reason behind it.  i sometimes get these symptoms with stress flu, including going from shivering cold to way too hot/feverish.  and feeling miserable underneath it all.  resting is the only thing that clears this up for me, but it's a sign to me that i've done too much, or gotten over-stressed myself for whatever reason.  it's horrible.  sending hot liquids, cool liquids, whatever you have a taste for, if anything.  i just hope it isn't something worse.  love and hugs,   

you know, chart, i agree w/ what you said about the latter helping the former.  i've heard it the other way around all the time, but i never felt it that way.  it wasn't the dressing up that helped me feel better, it was the feeling better first that encouraged me to dress up.  i had to feel better first.  like i have to feel good enough to go for a walk or exercise - if i don't, i just don't have the energy for it - so, energy first, action second, not the other way around.  thanks for helping me realize and own that.  and i'm very glad you got an item of clothing you like.  very cool! 

i'm stressing over this frickin' doc appt. next tues.  i want to make a list, but haven't been able to get up the energy/strength to do it.  thinking about it got me out of bed too early this morning.  very worried about not getting meds for sleep.  am realizing how depressed i've been when i didn't really recognize it at the time.  i know that's not a doc worry, but i think i've been this way for quite a while.  i'm beginning to care.

SH, i'm so with you on the social media/ 'smart' anything.  we finally got a 'smart' tv, that i was absolutely against for the same reason you're describing - i don't want anyone looking over my shoulder all the time.  unfortunately, we needed a new tv - my D and i have tv time nearly every day as a way to wind down together, (mental health reaons, lol!) and those kinds are pretty much what's out there.  i've learned to live w/ it, but not comfortable to this day.

so much to grieve, so many emotions.  i'm glad you're recognizing your anger, recognizing what's healthy or not for you.  well done!      it's always an important step to moving forward, right?  i'm not on soc. media at all, so am very disconnected from that sphere.  funnily enough, anyone around me, no matter how connected they are to it, have all told me in no uncertain terms not to start any social media anything.  it's disheartening enough to read the news for me.

may i encourage you to keep going.  it sounds like you're doing just what you need to do for you, and i think it's wonderful.  love and hugs

more on my galpal.  she has been so accepting of me, of who i am, no matter how i look, what i wear, even tho she's quite trendy and fashion-conscious (i'm not, never have been - to me it's all a big scam, one type of fashion this year, something completely different next year, lots of money spent, lots of stuff for overflowing landfills, beaches, and oceans, etc.)

but i digress. (guess i just had to let that little rant out).  so, this visit i decided i was sick of being and looking so depressed, and i curled my hair, put on makeup, dressed in a cute skirt i love w/ my alice in wonderland t-shirt, black leggings and my red clogs.  i felt very cute, and i know it lifted my spirits when she saw me and just started gushing about how cut i looked, how much she liked what i was wearing - she was so excited to see me not looking bland.

we talked, like we do, about an enormous amount of different things, and got on the subject of how i've been not accepted, how i've been talked to as an adult by authority figures in jobs, and she was just aghast.  she knows me as being very outspoken, and she couldn't understand not only why those things happened, but why i didn't say anything. i told her that when it was someone in authority in my job, i would just freeze, and she accepted that, too.

as i was talking, just letting stuff come to the surface and then out of my mouth, i began feeling quite agitated, excited (but not in a good way), and i finally stopped talking.  later i realized that i felt very vulnerable at the time saying this stuff to another human being not my T or my D.  still, she was very accepting, got mad at other people for doing that to me, was very appropriate and supportive in her response.

it nearly brought me to tears right then and there.  but last nite, while watching 'sister act', i cried all the way thru, sometimes even sobbing.  i know it was a lot of relief from that day, from having her as a friend, but also because even tho 2 judges ruled that our food stamp benefits were to be reinstated from an emergency fund, our pres. decided he didn't want to do that.  we had gotten our hopes up for a day after the rulings, only to have them dashed again.  my D is really worried about this, and got so very angry when i told her the turnaround of these events.

and this friend is helping us w/ this as well.  she's been buying food for us about once a month, which has also been so sweet and generous of her.  honestly, she and her goodness just overwhelmed me this week.  she's also been paying for our rent increase cuz she wants us to stay here.  she's gone out of her way to help us.  it's been a godsend to have her back in my life.  and she's also told me that she's glad i'm here, that i help make her life better, too.  it's nice.

i smiled as i read the last part of your post, bach.  small steps lead to bigger ones.  i was particularly excited for you that you felt a sense of pleasure and of hope.  it's a pushback, i think, on all the things you're tired about.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ more strength and energy to keep pushing back on the old, let the new shine thru.

d.a.g., i think it's a big first step to realize or recognize something.  w/o that  you can't take the next step, so i'm glad you got that first step under your belt, so to speak.  i had a friend who recognized how dishonest she was, and one day she had had it with herself being this way, and began a regiment of being honest.  every time a lie came out of her mouth, she was finally able to consciously recognize it, stop herself, and start over in the way she wanted to be.  maybe it's something that could be helpful to you.  just a thought. 

every day is a new day to start something different, right?  love and hugs

and wishing you the best with this endeavor, SH.  funny, in a way, how something not related can trigger those old memories.  do you think any truck you might get would do the same going forward?  if so, that's too bad.  i hate that that past stuff can reach out and grab us and ruin our present stuff.  love and hugs

honestly, you people are the best!

PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true.  the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home.  i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that.  thank you for all your wisdom and support.

thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience.  i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that.  i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways.  however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.

for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't.  at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this.  it helped a lot. 

chart, you brought a smile to my heart!  i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you.  i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one.  being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'.   yep, so true.  and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit.  have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels.  we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.   

busy day today, so i'll just go.  but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone.  it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!