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thank you, NK.  i'm already getting worked up about it, and it's not going down for several hours.  we'll see.  at least this is an example of how very fragile i am, and she can see it in living color, so to speak.  thanks for the support.  truly appreciated.    

indeed, hannah1, it does feel like a win.  thank you! 

therapy today.  we're slated to process what happened 2 weeks ago, but honestly, and i was afraid this was going to happen, i don't remember what it was about, only the aftermath.  i know, take notes, but i don't remember to do that either.  hopefully she'll have notes.  it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.

i've had a lot of that lately, it seems.  i'm finding it's still jarring, upsetting to talk to my D about her F and S.  these are the 2 people who are 2 of the biggest abusers in my life for the longest time, and who still have me by the neck.  i worked really hard w/ my previous T to help this not be so, and the impact has lessened, but it's still there.  they're the ones who will prevent me from going back to sleep in the middle of the night.  still haunted by them.

my D and i were talking about him the other day - he's moving into assisted living now - and i did something nice for him, and she relayed the messages back and forth for him and me, and he was grateful, etc.   but i discovered later that it still landed badly with me.  at one point he wanted to make amends to me, but that got botched, and i've thought about urging him to try again, that i might be ready now (i got a lot of anger out in my reply to him last time, and he backed away, so it never happened) but just after that little chat about him, i could feel my insides roiling around and remembered that amends are not to be made if they would provide pain/suffering, and i'm afraid i'm in that category.

i'd love to hear some heartfelt apologies from him, but i don't believe i can take it.  so goes the damage.

hannah1, what a glowing tribute to you as a mom.  and now you're entering a new phase of life and your possibilities are nearly endless.  all the steps you've taken to be true to you in spite of all that's happened to you is inspirational.  thanks for sharing.

being a retired EMDR therapist myself, and having had EMDR done on me for some of my issues, i'm very sorry to hear it didn't work out for you.  i'm glad, tho, that you did get some internal visualizations which were helpful.  there are others here who didn't have a good time w/ EMDR, either and some who got a lot of the help they needed with it.  All therapists, trauma or not, are sadly not equal. 

you've found your way to where you are now, and you're continuing on the way you want.  brava!  keep going.  love and hugs 

my heart goes out to you, slash. here's a gentle hug, if that's ok. 

feeling pretty ok this morning.  i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy it.  gives me a chance to write, read, play games, sit back and relax.  i'll take it.

well, that's 3 soggy humans, hannah1 (thanks for the visual, TBB).  i think we do the best we can at any given moment.  yeah, age does change some things - physically and emotionally.  physically, well, how do i count the ways?  emotionally - we've seen so much more now than 20 yrs. ago, we've experienced more, we've tried more, we've fallen more, we've gotten ourselves back up more - for better or worse, we're on the treadmill of life.

as i've heard many times here on the forum, this, too, shall pass.  as we go thru it, it often seems like it really won't, but i've discovered it always does.  just get thru it as best you can.  sending you a warm blanket filled with healing color to help absorb some of the worst of it.  the fact that you are still mothering, still being there for your kids says a lot.  don't ever count that out, ok?  it's huge.  and it's doing a lot.  love and hugs

feeling better today, like i got some good sleep/rest during the night.  up and down.  it's going to be a lovely spring day today, then back to winter temps.  i don't mind, i'm so glad to be back to where there are definite seasons.  living on the northern west coast gave us a modicum of seasons, but kind of like shadow images.  not quite there, not quite not.

just wanted to respond to what NK said - manure can also be full of toxic chemicals, heavy metals, and harmful bacteria that the animals ingest, and even if it's well composted, antibiotics and all the rest can pass thru the animal and be found in their manure.  so, yeah, toxic possibilities abound.  we're living products of that, aren't we!

well, blueberry, i spied another 'should' in there.  personally, i think anything that enriches the mind, such as learning another language, is extremely important for the brain's well-being.  i think it's a form of self-care, actually.  and i can't think of anything more useful or beneficial to you or the world than to exercise your brain and  gather in another culture thru language.  just my thoughts.

along w/ that, it brought to mind my lifting weights.  is it anything 'useful'?  well, to my muscles, cells, mind it is, which means that i'm going to stay healthier longer while i'm on earth.  healthy people, whether in body or mind are our best bets, don't you think? for sanity and peace.

so, as far as i'm concerned, a big ol' POO! on FOO!  and their narrow-minded thinking about what you should or shouldn't be doing.  i once heard that if we do something that makes us happy, at least one person in the world will feel happiness in their lives.  is there a better gift we can give ourselves?  love and hugs

so, the shift didn't stick around too long - i was a mess yesterday, even had a cigarette, my second in 2 weeks.  i'm still so tired, just worn out, even tho i've been getting decent sleep.  all that running around, driving here and there took more out of me than i first thought.  i'm activating my feet now (thanks, blueberry), so that's at least something, but i don't feel energized enough to do more, except dishes later.  can't rely on anything pos. still.

Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not!

Hannah1, this quote got to me.  i live in a part of the country where people are very 'nice', as in, they don't always tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  not that they have to come out and say 'yuck, i hate that' or anything harsh - there are ways to say something just doesn't work for you, or it's not of your personal taste w/o being brutal or unkind - but too many people i know do actually lie or skirt the truth in a way to leave me confused, and, yes, i now have to question many things told me by these people.

example:  i asked my friend if she like quacamole, and she gave me an enthusiastic 'yes', so i made some the way i learned from living in mexico.  i gave her a container of it, the next time i talked to her i asked her if she liked it, she said 'it's all gone'.  then i said, ok, cool, i'll make more when i get avocados, and she hesitated before whatever it was she said.  so, the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, the 'it's all gone' statement, and she told me neither she nor her hub liked it, and it was tossed (gone).  he happened to be there at the tie, i said 'i hear you didn't like the guacamole i made' and he froze, stock still, deer in the headlights, looked at his wife, and i said that she'd already told me neither of them had liked it. 

then came the time-aged strategy explanation - we didn't want to hurt your feelings.  i said, you know, i heard you liked it, and i was going to make more for you (to me guac is a treat!), but you would've let me go thru all that work just to throw it away?  i'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie, and just cuz you don't like something i've given you doesn't hurt my feelings.

what came from this is much more wariness around these people, all the questions you asked, cuz on more than one occasion there has been promises made and broken, say one thing one time, the opposite another time, expectations that weren't followed thru on, and i've decided i really can't trust them to be honest with me.  so, yes, all those questions you asked, i think they can be pertinent in such situations.  w/ such 'nice' people we can rarely be sure they'll follow thru on what they've said, or mean what they say in the first place.  it's too bad.  but, please, don't make yourself crazy over it.  too many people have been taught to lie to 'save face', or not hurt someone's feelings.  just tread carefully, i think, and understand what might be going on underneath what someone says.  i think that's one way we can protect ourselves. 

by the by, this friend has other very good qualities, which is why i'm not going to eliminate her from my life - at least not now - but i remain wary, and take what she says w/ a grain of salt till i see proof.  love and hugs
 

  ditto.

when i got married in mexico, i told my mexican husband that i was no mexican wife, to not expect me to make mexican dishes (i never wanted to compare my cooking w/ that of my mother-in-law - there's no competition there.  mom's meals will always win out! 

so, yeah, i hear you.  love and hugs

dang, SO, it's all about the roots, isn't it!  strong, healthy roots give way to strong, healthy plants.  you know that, and perhaps others in that group will come to learn it as well. 

i think a lot of us here didn't get the amount nor the type of compost we've needed to grow up strong and healthy.  but, here we are, attempting to rectify the situation, giving ourselves as much compost now as we can tolerate in order to keep growing in a stronger, healthier way.  natural gardening, according to our own needs.  yep.  love and hugs

thanks, NK.  the luncheon was not exactly what i thought it would be.  One woman, who i didn't know, seemed to have a need to be heard about hers and her husbands physical problems.  i was already too tired to stay, yet i didn't want to seem rude, so i waited till she had to go.  then i left, but had a difficult time staying alert while driving home.  guess that teaches me something. 

feeling pretty good today.  there seems to be a shift that has happened, and i'm not sure about it yet.  w/ all that happened the past 2 weeks, my level of exhaustion has not been where i expected it to be - much lower - and after everything w/ my therapy breakdown and my D being sick, and me running around, chores, errands, driving here and there to pick up medicine and such for her, cooking, (that's a biggie) to make it easier for her, i did not get stress flu.  very unusual, and something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  i'm not sure about this yet, just cautiously watching myself.  it feels different, tho.

today is the girls' luncheon.  we'll see how that goes.  haven't done something like this is many ages, especially w/ there being someone present who i don't know.