Messages

my D is still sick, coughing, i'm very tired, weary, just want to curl up someplace but i know that'll never happen cuz she needs me to make food, get thera-flu, water, listen to her, watch tv w/ her - just lots of little bits and bobs that help her feel better.  i'm here for that, but it wears me down after a while.  it's been years of working together on letting me do things for her when she's not well - some of her own childhood trauma shining thru.



************************TW - self-harm mentioned -**********************************





i read about children being behind a 'glass wall', and i do believe that's her.  my D1 was always in crisis, whether it was mysterious illnesses like RSDS, strange bouts of seizures, and worse - her self=harm and more, always keeping me on my toes, waiting for 'the' phone call, running here and there w/ her, docs, T's, PT, getting her thru high school alive, and my darling D was always there, watching everything happen as if she was behind a glass wall.  no time or energy to help her along day to day, so she came not to expect it, and then feel uncomfortable if she did get it, to the point of pushing me away in later years.  finally, she can accept help and care from me, but it's been a long, hard road.  however, i'm so glad now.


********************************end TW************************************


and so my life goes.  T today, don't know what to talk about - we're so much in beginning stages, i don't really know what she wants to hear, what order.  i've spoken randomly about stuff, but there's no cohesion yet.  we'll see.  still, i'm nervous.  this is new all over again for me.

to me, it feels like a miracle to find a doc who 'sees' you, listens, hears, helps.  hannah1, i'm so glad for you, honestly.  docs who don't listen, ignore, dismiss.  just lately i, too, think i've found a doc who will listen, take me seriously, look past the silence and ask questions instead.  feels like a miracle, indeed. 

here's hoping you get some relief from all you've been made to suffer thru.  it's just not right.  this is wonderful news! 

sending love and a hug filled w/ all the help you've been needing for so long, and meds that help you feel better.

thanks for the cheer, hannah1!  it was nice to feel the calm.  unusual, but lovely.  i'm hopeful i'll feel more of those. and, yes, i've been masking since day 1, might not ever unmask, at least in public places.

my D is ill, most likely stress flu.  she found out yesterday that her disability was denied.  luckily i'm able to take up some of the slack for her editing work for others, so we're still able to bring in some money, even if she's not up to doing it.  we're also looking forward to attending C2E2, the midwest comic-con in chicago next month.  it'll be 3 days, 10-hr. days over a weekend.  she's getting all her books ready now, and next week we'll be able to order what's still needed.  apparently this is a big deal, like 100,000 people big.  second only to san diego's comic-con.  i don't think i'll be able to do all 3 days, but we've figured out that i can sit sat. out, stay at the motel, and one of her friends will be able to come down, spend the day w/ her at the table.

so much going on, as usual.  plus it's her birthday next month and she'll be 45 - getting to middle age!  that might be weighing on her as well.  so, i've got to play nurse right now, not my favorite thing, but she's awfully good w/ me when i'm down, so i'm ok w/ it.  i just hate that she's so completely wiped out.  ugh! 

plus, she's been recording her sugar/carb spikes for the past 2 weeks, and the anxiety produced from that for her has knocked her under. 

thinking of you.  love and hugs

i echo NK, marcine - start w/ what you know.  very wise, very solid, very grounded.  i'm glad your kids and your students have you, a good person, a principled person.  there are no better, to my mind, and definitely not enough.  love and hugs, if that's ok.

hannah1, i don't know of much more awful than having a gift of love from a child trashed. as said above, no words. the idea of burdening a child w/ a secret between parents is also awful - i've had that experience, and i caved in 3 days.  thought i was doing the right thing by being honest, turns out i got punished. i still don't know how to hold secrets that can be hurtful, that are full of poison, as marcine said.  those kinds of experiences can break a child, cause them to question their decisions for the rest of their life.  who to be true to when even being true to yourself brings pain.  my heart is with you.  love and hugs

[TBB]

my dear friends, your responses touched me, brought tears out.  this whole idea of deprivation, altho i've written about some of my experiences w/ it in my journals, this was the first time it came together as a whole, as an entity relating to trauma.  i'd struggled w/ this for years after reading of the physical horrors some people have gone thru, which i hadn't.  how could non-physical anything be as bad?

and, i'm not comparing, but i broached that subject w/ my former T, and she told me that it's often what's done/not done that can't be seen, that can leave wounds even more difficult to resolve and heal. it took a while for that to sink in, years, actually, until the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth during my last session.  i think it struck me so hard cuz it was an entire concept, not just an incident here or there, but an ongoing wave of 'not' - not getting, not having, not knowing.  as TBB said, it is like missing an entire layer of being human.

So, at least now it's in front of me.  and, yes, kizzie, some of it i can know, get, or do for myself, like my clogs. some of it has been mostly dealt with (altho someday i may have to drag a guy off a barstool and bring him home w/ me - there are things i can't do myself, after all! ) and, like Dalloway said, some absences will simply linger cuz it's too much to try to fix.  besides, i don't have that much time, i'm guessing.  as far as 'unnatural treatment' which marcine was able to see and label as such, i never thought of it that way, but it is true, isn't it.  emotional connection is natural, comfort is natural, attachment is natural - babies are born w/ the need to suckle for sustaining their lives.  it's natural to connect physically as well.

so, moving on and taking no hostages.  i have been deprived but i will continue to do my best not to deprive myself, not of my love, not of my caring, i'll hug anyone who lets me to get some touch in my life.  i will wear sleeveless dresses during the summer no matter what anyone thinks of my 'grandma' arms cuz they're cool and floaty and remind me of me. i am good.  thank you all for your responses - you're the best!  love and hugs all around.

thank you, TBB, me too!  here's to the beginning of what i'm afraid will be a slow, arduous journey, but maybe in the end will be quicker to resolution.

i just wrote about deprivation in the childhood section, and as i kept writing, it kind of overwhelmed me how far-reaching those tentacles were.  wow!

when speaking w/ my new T the other day, telling her a little about my early years, the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth.  altho i've spoken before about being touch deprived, when i was talking to my T, the encompassing word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth and i realized i'm dealing w/ more than being deprived of touch. 

i can see the idea of deprivation pervading so much of my life now.  touch deprivation and how i would trade my body just to be touched, how, when i was drunk, i'd sling an arm over the shoulders of whoever i went out with, i touch peoples' arms when talking to them, even back when i smoked, and a man would offer to light my cigarette, i'd touch his hand to guide the light toward me.

deprived of the basics of living.  i remember dusting, once, then watching as my M went over the spaces i'd just dusted cuz apparently i left a few motes behind.  i once asked her if she'd teach me to cook, her answer was 'you'll have plenty of time to learn when you're married.'  this deprivation led to nearly being asked to leave the apt. i was living in w/ my S and 2 girlfriends, the first time my S and i were living somewhere other than under my parents' roof. my friends told us that if we didn't get our act together about cleaning up after ourselves, making our own food, helping w/ household chores, they were going to have to ask us to leave.  how embarrassing was that!  somehow they helped us learn what we'd never learned from our M, and had a long, lovely relationship w/ them in the end.

then the idea of deprivation on a broader scale began taking over my mind.  i was deprived of feeling like a girl, being like a girl - it was an aunt of mine who get me my first bra, talked to me about how my breasts were developing. not a word from my mother before or after. i dressed up in my dad's clothes once when i was about 5, and he laughed (i made him happy!) and nicknamed me after a comic strip character who was a boy.  when i got teased for having hair on my legs, my parents would not allow me to shave them - my dad told me that once i started doing that i'd have to do that the rest of my life - so i began wearing knee highs all the time.  when i told him i wanted to be a princess, he told me no, i didn't.  i wasn't allowed to wear makeup until i was a senior in high school, even tho i'd sneak some eyeliner every so often.  and one christmas my S and i got undershirts, which my mom noticed were for boys, and my F said 'well, they act like boys anyway.'

that deprivation evolved into me being ashamed of my 'lady parts', especially my breasts, and i've always felt uncomfortable about them, believing them to be ugly and needing to be hidden away under baggy shirts, often from the men's department.  i've worn a lot of men's clothes in my life, feeling uncomfortable in the form fit of clothes for women.  but one of my dearest memories was when i was about 5, our family went to a convention for where my F worked, and i was dressed in a wonderful taffeta black and white striped dress.  i saw a picture of me in it, and i was smiling so wide, so happy to be dressed like a girl. i loved that dress, but i don't remember ever being able to wear it again.

deprived of support, nurturing, celebration for what i accomplished.  nearly all my life i've been looking to make my F proud of me, accomplishing this and that and the other, things no one in our extended family had done.  he died when i was in my 20's, but the push to make him proud lingered, drove me to do more and more.  maybe this time . .  .

telling my parents how lonely i felt, crying about it cuz i was so distressed met w/ the 2 of them standing, looking at me, questioning me as to whether i was mental and needed a shrink.  no arm around the shoulder from either, no hug, no 'bringing me in' to comfort me.

bedtime was cold, dark, robotic.  never hugs, no kisses, no bedtime stories or being tucked in.

'stop crying or i'll give you something to cry about' was the type of attention i got  when distressed, sad, scared, whatever i might have been. deprived of nurturing, warmth, empathy or sympathy. questions weren't allowed, somehow ii knew that, so i learned to make things ok in my world the best i could. expectations ruled my roost, expected to be perfect yet given no encouragement other than 'next time you can do better'.

and when i got older, got into marriages, 3 of them, for one reason or another i was deprived of sex by all 3 hubs.  that deprivation led to me questioning my desirability as a woman.  all along the way i was deprived of kindness, care, consideration even by friends.  i was deprived of respect by the head of therapy cuz i didn't work w/ the girls therapeutically the same way she knew how to do.  she expected me to do.

so, the idea of deprivation, when it came out of my mouth last monday, hit me hard.  i believe it added to the confusion, not only about myself but about my role in the world, among people, in relationships, classes - whatever it was i was being part of.  i just didn't know how.

i needed to write this down, get it out of me, see it in black and white, so to speak.  it's much larger than i knew, had much more impact on my 'being' than i could've guessed.  i did order some clogs last year, and for the first time i remember, i wanted them to be feminine clogs, not unisex.  at the time i was struck by that, but i really love them and how they look.  i do want to be a girl after all, i am a girl, and i'm finally feeling more ok with being one.

and on and on.  this sense of deprivation, which i've kind of known is now out in full force.  dealing with it will be another level, but at least i know what i'm dealing with.  it's turned out to be an insidious wounding, not blasting in your face kind of wound, nothing physical was dealt me (which is part of the problem), yet deprivation has had long and lasting impacts on my life and living.  deep breath, and into the breach i go.

hannah1, i totally agree.  having someone listen and also having appropriate responses to what i'm saying - different from just sitting there like a robot w/ no reaction at all - does feel like i'm not only being heard but validated at the same time, which is gold to me.  since i've had no reactions for so long, so much confusion about myself and what i'm going thru, those reactions mean the world to me.  i must remember to tell her that next time.  it is a healing feeling.  thanks for reiterating that for me.

i'm now looking forward to my next session.  feeling calmer feels very good.  it seems that calm comes to me only every so often, lasts a short time, then disappears and i can't get it back no matter what i try/do.  so, this was really nice. 

my galpal cancelled my visit today - she sounded very stuffy on phone and said she's got a dry cough.  her D has been sick since christmas, and my galpal went over there last week to help take care of her.  i mentioned she might have gotten sick from that visit.  suddenly she decided that she didn't really think she was sick, as in ill, and we'll reschedule for next week.  i said i'm fine w/ waiting until she's completely well, she kind of again asserted she didn't think she was really sick, just caught a cough somehow.  i told her if i were to come over and she was still coughing i'd be masking up, and she was fine w/ that.

when i told my D all this, she immediately began shaking her head, as in NO NO NO, not a good thing.  so, we'll evaluate how it goes, how she feels once the weekend is over.  i feel sick-y enough too often to risk getting ill for real.  since covid started, i've been very careful.  the only thing i got was that norovirus, the puking flu, and i wanted to die. the worst of it lasted overnite, but i was ill because of it for a good week, maybe more.  no thank you.

NK, for me it was like a shot of adrenaline!  thank you so for your support.  the session w/ my T went very well.  we're in the 'getting to know you' stage.  i think she's just right for me right now.

chart, of course.  anytime, you can picture me there w/ that ol' bazooka.  happy to take him on! 

the T session was great.  didn't really get any answers for what's been driving me crazy, but maybe i don't need them right now.  i talked a lot about how my body reacts to having to always hold those emotions inside, like losing my legs, and she was amazed - never heard of anyone having that problem before.  she said she looked up alexithymia, so i think she understands it a bit more, but i also explained as best i could about how the brain parts having to do w/ emotions/feelings aren't connected.

i think she's going to be learning a lot.

i just feel calmer, which is a good thing.

also had a bit of a dust-up at the pharmacy - seems the directions for my xanax prescription went wonky, but will now be rectified.  i'll be getting more than i knew, which sent a wave of relief through me.  i've been toughing it out most of the time w/ my anxiety or some of the physical stuff, and now i can just take some meds and feel better.  that's going to be different but wonderful, i think.  like i won't have to be gritting my teeth all the time just to get thru the day.

hannah1, congrats to you for allowing yourself to feel weak, for learning how to rest.  2 things so many of us weren't taught, didn't learn, weren't allowed.  shame, guilt, humiliation - so much bad was heaped upon us    for not being strong all the time.  those are bricks of expectation to always do, do, do.  i'm so glad to hear you were able to sing a love song to your little hannah.  it brought the sweetest picture to my mind.   

and very glad your family can take care of themselves for this bit - that's the best!  keep taking care of you, ok?  you deserve it.  love and hugs

thanks for the solidarity, hannah1.  it's a rough way to start the day.

TBB, sorry to hear you're going thru it as well.  thank you for the support.  hope therapy helps us both.

chart, thanks for sharing.  i'm sending a caring hug filled w/ a giant bazooka to blow that frickin' minotaur into the next universe, where it belongs.      that's the look on its face when it sees what's coming at it. and . . . there it goes!      that's me waving good-bye to it!

whew, seems that vanquishing minotaurs first thing in the morning gets my adrenaline going!

looking forward to seeing my T, seeing what she's got in store for me and also hoping to figure out those explosive tears, what's behind them.  emotional dysregulation?  could that be a new label i can attach to my lapel?

as TBB said, here we hold each other together, hold the net when you're on the tightwire a million feet above, isolated, alone, thinking you have to do it all by yourself.  we are here for you, hannah1.

i can so relate to the loneliness, to not bothering parents w/ anything amiss.  it is a burden just to have to figure out and take care of yourself at all times, let alone a 3-yr. old when you're a child yourself.  my heart goes out to you.  the chores will wait, you deserve that, have always deserved that.   sending love and a hug filled with   gentleness to all of you.   

terrible anxiety this morning, lots of neg. remembrances as i lay in bed not yet ready to get up but the only way to stop them was to get moving.  therapy tomorrow - so glad of that.  this crapola is driving me nuts!