Messages

thank you for that hug, armee. 

TBB, i appreciate your hug.  thanks.

thanks, SO.  it's taken a lot of time and a lot of fails to finally get to know this, know myself well enough to know this.  whew!

NK, i have, finally.  yay!  thank you!

hope, it went quite well.  thanks for thinking of me.

armee, it did.  i believe i have a winner.  thanks.

so, the T thing - she's very soft, gentle, no arrogance, and i believe she's exactly what i need for now.  i really do need to just stabilize right now, be heard, be supported.  she's not versed in alexithymia, but told me she'd do some looking into it, make a plan that she'll let me know about for next week.  that sounded good to me.  she also said she'd let me take the lead on what i need, cuz she thought i've done a lot of work on myself, and being a therapist, too, i also have some insight into what someone in my position might need.

i'm still on the 6-mo. waiting list for the other T, who seems more energized, ready to attack some of the dissociative stuff, but i don't believe i'm ready for that yet.  i had a meltdown in a group setting over the weekend cuz someone was kind to me and i've had that reaction before.  for years, actually.  it's that difficult for me to take kindness in - i gut-cry cuz i can actually feel it (which is unusual for me in the first place), something i've not had much of in my life, and this latest was from a man, something i've never had in my life.  it was wonderful, actually, to give in to it, but the tears can't help but explode out of me.

another indication of how damaged/wounded i am. 

so, yes, onward w/ this T.  she told me she mostly works w/ physically disabled people, and is focused on helping her clients live true to their values.  i don't know exactly what that might mean for me, cuz i don't really have a lot of overriding physical problems, like diabetes, heart condition, arthritis or the like, just my physical manifestations of emotional distress.  so we'll see what that means for me.  but i felt quite 'safe' with her, she didn't give off the vibe of 'i've been doing this for 20 yrs., there's nothing i haven't seen' which felt really good.  i felt respected, and that was unusual, but very nice.

hope, somehow i like the idea that you're becoming more active in your dreams.  i remember something similar, when i was able to say 'no!' to someone in my dreams.  it felt like a big turning point, and i think it might have been.  maybe some of those neural connections came together more appropriately, giving me access to an active voice for a change.

i hope this keeps up for you.  love your progress.  love and hugs

hannah1, i don't understand why water isn't good enough!  i drink water for breakfast most days, don't have an appetite for anything else till later in the day.  but water is so important for our bodies, our systems, so i don't understand the push to drink something else.  maybe it's me.

i heard about a friend who wrote 'NO' on a card when they went to see their T.  they couldn't get the word out of their mouth, but at the beginning of the session, they told their T they would hold that word up because they had trouble saying it.  i thought it was some good problem-solving. 

you'll get there, keep talking about it - maybe you can talk to your T about it in your next session?  therapists are not god figures, not parental figures - they're meant to be guides to help you get from where you are to where you want to be.  encouraging, but not necessarily pushy.  i just feel bad you went thru this w/ your T.  love and hugs

dear PC, i've heard of others who chose to stay in a neg. place, because it was more comfortable.  one of them chose depression.  he was very good at being depressed and had his own reason for staying that way.  for what seemed like quite a while when i was in mexico, i was sick almost all the time, had my husband running errands that the 'wife' usually did - like shopping, or simply focusing his entire life on me, including taking time off work to go to the doc w/ me. he hired someone to come clean our house.  i sat like a queen, just feeling crappy.  the upside was that there were no expectations put on me. and that felt wonderful!

i was the oldest in my family, and i was expected to be perfect, so that's what i spent most of my life doing was trying to live up to those expectations.  failing all the time, of course, altho i could only deny that cuz it just wasn't allowed.  i did it all during my first 2 marriages, took care of everything including going back to college for myself.  i was pretty good at it, too.

came the time, tho, when i broke under the pressure of being expected to always be there all the time for everyone and their needs/wants, running myself ragged.  i had to escape or i'd either die or go insane, which to me is a form of death.  so i ran away to mexico to save my life.  connected w/ a man from that town who i'd known for 3 yrs., eventually got married, and i was broken, couldn't get out of bed, the whole nine yards.  but, dang, i was being waited on, checked on, chores done for me, and no expectations from anyone.  it got very comfortable being sick and helpless.

until one day it hit me that this was not what my H had signed up for.  in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very good time together - he went out and worked, i cooked and did the dishes, changed the sheets, swept the floor.  we bought a trailer and i cleaned it myself, bleach water and wood oil, but getting everything together for the wedding itself did me in and i was bed-bound for 6 weeks.

so, when that realization hit me, and i began thinking of what it would mean if i were well, the thought struck me about all the expectations that would again be laid on top of me.  how was i able to not fall into that trap once again?  and then it hit me - i can say 'no'.  it was all about boundaries, willingness, ability, likes and dislikes, breaking that pattern of doing everything for everybody, living up to their expectations.  i got a lot of crapola from people when i didn't live up to what they wanted from me, and those were friends and family who wanted the free ride i provided for them.

so, when i realized i could say 'no', and that was not only ok, but was my right, i began to get better.  infections faded away, no more fevers, lethargy, fatigue, misery on a regular basis.  i could breathe again, be more myself.  it didn't happen all in one day, but eventually i was not chronically ill and housebound anymore.  not dancing in the streets by any means, but more of a partner for my hub, and i felt good about that. 

it didn't last forever (i developed cancer which went undiagnosed for nearly 20 yrs., and it finally was killing me), but the notion of saying 'no' to people was life-saving.  it took longer w/ some than with others, but i'm rid of them now.  so, that was one facet of healing for me - getting myself out of a place i really didn't want to be in but was comfortable to stay there.

so, i totally understand what you're saying, PC.  it's so difficult being stuck in a neg. place, but feels even more difficult to get out of it.  you have my support for your decisions - i know they make sense to you.  and i'm here with you if you ever feel like making a move, even a small one.  i'm also here with you if you decide against making the move.  you're valuable either way, and i'm glad to be connected to you.  love and hugs

well done to both of you, SO and chart!  inspiring examples of taking your place and space on this earth.  SO, standing up for yourself, for what you need, was definitely taking back and owning your power.  very glad for you!  love and hugs

hey, chart, i agree w/ you about the whole can of worms that can be pre-verbal trauma.  the idea that our parents didn't wait till we had some form of logical brains made a whole lot of sense.  that put a whole 'nother layer on it for me.  it really could mean there's a lot more preverbal trauma than we had ever thought of.  that's a frickin' scary thought.  whew!

glad you were able to get back to work, even if you're not 100% today.  i don't know if that feels like an accomplishment for you or a necessity in order to pay the bills. 

i totally relate to the idea of my boundaries not being a priority for anyone - not only my parents, but my sister as well.  dang, we've survived a whole lot of crapola - the gift that keeps on giving, right?!  love and hugs

thank you, TBB - the session will be in about 3 hrs., so i'm sitting here in my anxiety waiting for it.  i do hope it goes smoothly.  this has been awfully stressful for me, and i'd like it to be done, get to the actual therapizing part and resume healing w/ help and guidance.

dear chart, i'm so sorry you're having a tough time right now, and i sincerely hope you're doing better now.  it hit me in the head, reading about you sitting in all that pain, how you told me you were fascinated by the fact that i didn't feel that kind of pain, at least not normally.  i'm guessing i feel, instead, some sense of distress w/in me, like watching that video caused me, and cuz i don't know what the distress is about, i simply turn away and turn it off. 

i don't know if the distress i feel is connected to pain or not, but from the one time not too long ago when i was overwhelmed by the pain resulting from the incident when i was a little girl, again, i can't imagine living for any length of time just working at mustering thru it.  i give you so much credit for being with it, allowing it, letting it run its course.  your determination and just plain gutsiness is showing!  i admire you for being able to do this.  you are an inspiration.  love and gentle hugs

I was restrained and abused and ignored. Somehow, by reading the details of how the biological responses in me were absolutely caused by the removal of my defenses when I was young,

i agree with this wholeheartedly.  our defense mechanisms were removed or altered somehow by the messages we received, which told us to stay small, hidden, or, the flip side of the coin, to lash out in some way, be seen and heard negatively as big as possible.  it's amazing to me how our systems work to keep us as safe as possible.  love and hugs

rate, PC.  i sent a reply and lost it.  the gist of it was that i echoed what TBB said, and that i, too, left organized religion quite a while ago.  i found spirituality finally at an AA meeting, and even tho i didn't ever feel it in church, i knew immediately what it was - like a bolt of lightning!  what a feeling!

i'm sending you love and a gentle hug (if you're ok w/ that) filled with calm, peace, and strength to keep going.  we're here with you, we are connected, and we've got you.   

NK, i've had that yearning most all my life for my father to let me know he's proud of me.  something unfulfilled, it feels like to me, something unsatisfied at a primal level.  dang.  we needed all these things, and got few if any.  sucks.  love and hugs

being a plant grower, i chuckled at yelling at the roots to see if they're growing yet, hannah1.  that was great.

yep, we can only provide the conditions for our self-plant to grow, then nurture it w/ what it needs to keep growing and ultimately blooming.  i like it.  it's a good plant no matter what.  love and hugs

agreed!!!

hey, chart, i watched some of what he had to say, but i could feel it getting too close to something primal, so i quit.  too much emotional stuff going on this weekend, can't take any more.  however, it makes sense to me that, and i think a lot of us here have an awareness of this already, that what we went thru as infants/children has shaped how we not only see the world today, but also how we see ourselves in that world.  and our emotions are part of that 'seeing', aren't they?  the type of emotions, the intensity, the physical way we express them - i think it's all in there, has all been shaped by what went on w/ us and the others in our lives from birth onward.  possibly before birth as well.

at any rate, good stuff.  thanks for sharing.  love and hugs

that video is brilliant, marcine.  thanks for posting it.  i want to share it w/ my galpal, maybe it'll help her understand this a little more.

hannah1, i am truly sorry you have any bit of self-loathing to deal with.  we are certainly not perfect, but i do not believe any one of us here on this forum is any kind of person to loathe.  loathsome people do not come to places like this, do not allow their vulnerabilities to be seen, do not admit they have issues to deal with.  you are doing what the un-loathsome people do.  i hope you can find that within yourself.  love and hugs