Messages

armee, DF, hope, chart, TBB, hannah1 - thank you all for your incredible support as i'm working my way thru all this.  the idea of pain, how these realizations are so painful, my tears are so painful - maybe they're holding the pain?  i'm so sad - just realized this now, so sad for me, for what i've been thru.  maybe crying, expressing my sadness and pain was ignored as a baby, and i learned not to show those.  i broke that rule once when i was in jr. high, and the results were disastrous to me.

so, as i'm working at de-tangling this mess of not feeling for most of my life, if this is the pain chart's talking about, o my heart!  i don't know what to do with it.  it's like those explosions of tears are me upchucking pain and grief.   i think what armee said about asking for 'a little at a time' from parts is wise, but i just looked inside, thinking about talking to the baby, and she firmly ignored me, turned her head away.  so, i'll keep exploding i guess.

i thought my recent meltdown was all about gratitude - i've had them so many times in my life - but i think it's more the idea that i can't take the kindness in cuz, here's a thought, maybe i perceive it as something scary, hurtful, something neg. i do think it hurts.  it does hurt.  it's like i'm being punctured by something, and i don't know how to deal w/ it.  so the tears come.  i remember how much i wanted to please my dad, and any time i disappointed him, and he wanted to have a talk w/ me, i'd start crying, and he'd kind of throw up his hands in disgust and say something about every time he wanted to talk to me, i turned on the waterworks, and then it was like he was fed up with me and left, and i was alone w/ my distress and accompanying tears. 

i don't know.  i'm trying not to lose my mind over this, but i do not know how to figure it out.  at least on mon. i have a T i can talk to about it.  i'm exhausted.

hope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am.  i think that's the best.  love and hugs

i think you do, too, SO.  it was a really lovely poem.  thank you for sharing it.

i like your analysis re: more space and silence.  i've written poetry that was loud and raucous. i see poetry as painting by the mind, words being the colors we choose.  everyone's palettes are different.  this was nice.  love and hugs

hannah1, the PT work sounds wonderful and i'm really glad for you that you're seeing such pos. results.

i think NK"s suggestions have merit. a little here, a little there, baby steps.  or none, according to how you feel about it.

when i was in jr. high, i had a terrible time making friends and became so lonely, i brought it to my parents.  needless to say, that didn't go well, so i decided i was going to have to change me, my personality.  it took me a while, but by the time i was a senior in high school, it had worked. 

do what you need to do so you can feel better about you.  you are what you are, what you have, and you can do w/ her what you want.  choices and decisions - and lots of practice.  it'll take time, but i have no doubt you'll get to where you want to be.  love and hugs

thanks for the cheers, TBB.  i do believe she's just what i need right now.

chart, i so appreciate the love and support.  it's a struggle to find a good fit w/ a T, for sure, but all the validation i'm getting here is helping me know i made the right choice in tossing the others.  thank you so for being with me. 

armee, it does, doesn't it!  thank you for checking in on me. 

thank you, NK.  i'm happy for me, too, and looking forward to how this is going to play out.

hannah1, thanks for sharing that happiness w/ me.  i love it!

DF, i agree - it's worth it all, as far as i can see.  thank you for being here with me.

Thank you for your support, SO.  i'm glad i could, too, altho it was a very violent reaction.  those expectations/walls die hard.

after reading everyone's responses here, so much kindness and love and support, i'm weepy from the enormity of it.  i'm working at taking it in, but at the same time it's difficult cuz my first reaction is to reject it, hold it at bay, it's too much, too heavy, too weird, too unfamiliar.  and that's where all this stems from, isn't it.  familiar = family.  didn't get it there, don't know how to take it in, don't know what to do with it, uncomfortable w/ how it feels, reject the strangeness of it. or explode thru it. am unable to regulate it.

and all the information i read this morning about baby brains and how they respond to neglect was profound.  and it hit home, hard.  again, it seems the more i get into recovery, the more painful it is.  these realizations tear at me, shred my heart.  and, o, here's a thought, my baby me, thinking about how i had to react - i just shied away from naming her a a 'part' - my baby me, thinking about how she had to react to being ignored (don't pick babies up every time they cry or you'll spoil them - i grew up in that kind of mentality, along w/ 'children should be seen and not heard', so ignored there, too)  and my heart absolutely aches for her, and i'm crying right now to think of that poor baby lying in her crib or playpen, out of the way so mom could clean and re-clean her already spotless house.

i'm so heartbroken right now, i have to leave and just cry it out.

But I'm not in a war zone. I can have preferences. I can have boundaries. I can have water, or tea, I can make a morning routine or not. If I focus on what I want for myself, I feel my self come more into presence,

i thought this was a profound realization, and i loved reading it, hannah1.

i have felt that 'nothingness' about myself as well, which is why, i think, when i thought about doing parts work, i was afraid there were no parts in there.  just a big block of 'me' who does what needs to be done. there's always been something that needs to be done, and it was often some sort of survival.  so, all of me was focused on just that, which was plenty. no room for anything else.

so glad for you that you found your 'self' in all this.  well done!  love and hugs

wow!  just wow!  thank you, hope, for allowing this to remain here - it was so much information that i needed and didn't even know i needed.  so, thanks to TBB and to chart for sharing what you've learned.  i so appreciate it.  it made the whole 'parts' thing a bit more palatable for me.

hope, i agree w/ you about feeling hopeful - that same feeling washed over me, but kind of flew past pretty quickly.  however, reading that you wrote about it brought it more strongly back to me and i'm able to grasp it and hang onto it now, so thank you very much for that.  hope.  a word/feeling i don't believe i've ever entertained before in any real sense.  but i now have a glimmer of it and i can see it.  thank you again for writing that, hope.  it made all the difference.  love and hugs

SO, i applaud your courage and fortitude in wielding your power for your own greater good.  well done!   i smiled at the thought of you allowing yourself to do what you needed to do, i.e., email, and let the outcome be on their shoulders.  to me, that shows a lot of growth and forward movement. 

as far as the new group is concerned, this is where the difference lies between your own greater good and the greater good of the group.  i've often cringed when i've heard - we have to sacrifice someone for the greater good - type of sentiment.  i don't believe that's the case here.  this is not doing something for personal gain, but literally for mental and emotional protection. i'm glad that group is taking so many precautions - i think it's a sign for you as well that if you were to join, you can be assured they have your back as a group member.

so glad for you.  and i agree - seeing someone face to face, or sharing space is a lot different than typing responses.  scarier in some ways, but ultimately a degree of intimacy that cannot be found thru a keyboard.  love and hugs

thank you for that hug, armee. 

TBB, i appreciate your hug.  thanks.

thanks, SO.  it's taken a lot of time and a lot of fails to finally get to know this, know myself well enough to know this.  whew!

NK, i have, finally.  yay!  thank you!

hope, it went quite well.  thanks for thinking of me.

armee, it did.  i believe i have a winner.  thanks.

so, the T thing - she's very soft, gentle, no arrogance, and i believe she's exactly what i need for now.  i really do need to just stabilize right now, be heard, be supported.  she's not versed in alexithymia, but told me she'd do some looking into it, make a plan that she'll let me know about for next week.  that sounded good to me.  she also said she'd let me take the lead on what i need, cuz she thought i've done a lot of work on myself, and being a therapist, too, i also have some insight into what someone in my position might need.

i'm still on the 6-mo. waiting list for the other T, who seems more energized, ready to attack some of the dissociative stuff, but i don't believe i'm ready for that yet.  i had a meltdown in a group setting over the weekend cuz someone was kind to me and i've had that reaction before.  for years, actually.  it's that difficult for me to take kindness in - i gut-cry cuz i can actually feel it (which is unusual for me in the first place), something i've not had much of in my life, and this latest was from a man, something i've never had in my life.  it was wonderful, actually, to give in to it, but the tears can't help but explode out of me.

another indication of how damaged/wounded i am. 

so, yes, onward w/ this T.  she told me she mostly works w/ physically disabled people, and is focused on helping her clients live true to their values.  i don't know exactly what that might mean for me, cuz i don't really have a lot of overriding physical problems, like diabetes, heart condition, arthritis or the like, just my physical manifestations of emotional distress.  so we'll see what that means for me.  but i felt quite 'safe' with her, she didn't give off the vibe of 'i've been doing this for 20 yrs., there's nothing i haven't seen' which felt really good.  i felt respected, and that was unusual, but very nice.

hope, somehow i like the idea that you're becoming more active in your dreams.  i remember something similar, when i was able to say 'no!' to someone in my dreams.  it felt like a big turning point, and i think it might have been.  maybe some of those neural connections came together more appropriately, giving me access to an active voice for a change.

i hope this keeps up for you.  love your progress.  love and hugs

hannah1, i don't understand why water isn't good enough!  i drink water for breakfast most days, don't have an appetite for anything else till later in the day.  but water is so important for our bodies, our systems, so i don't understand the push to drink something else.  maybe it's me.

i heard about a friend who wrote 'NO' on a card when they went to see their T.  they couldn't get the word out of their mouth, but at the beginning of the session, they told their T they would hold that word up because they had trouble saying it.  i thought it was some good problem-solving. 

you'll get there, keep talking about it - maybe you can talk to your T about it in your next session?  therapists are not god figures, not parental figures - they're meant to be guides to help you get from where you are to where you want to be.  encouraging, but not necessarily pushy.  i just feel bad you went thru this w/ your T.  love and hugs

dear PC, i've heard of others who chose to stay in a neg. place, because it was more comfortable.  one of them chose depression.  he was very good at being depressed and had his own reason for staying that way.  for what seemed like quite a while when i was in mexico, i was sick almost all the time, had my husband running errands that the 'wife' usually did - like shopping, or simply focusing his entire life on me, including taking time off work to go to the doc w/ me. he hired someone to come clean our house.  i sat like a queen, just feeling crappy.  the upside was that there were no expectations put on me. and that felt wonderful!

i was the oldest in my family, and i was expected to be perfect, so that's what i spent most of my life doing was trying to live up to those expectations.  failing all the time, of course, altho i could only deny that cuz it just wasn't allowed.  i did it all during my first 2 marriages, took care of everything including going back to college for myself.  i was pretty good at it, too.

came the time, tho, when i broke under the pressure of being expected to always be there all the time for everyone and their needs/wants, running myself ragged.  i had to escape or i'd either die or go insane, which to me is a form of death.  so i ran away to mexico to save my life.  connected w/ a man from that town who i'd known for 3 yrs., eventually got married, and i was broken, couldn't get out of bed, the whole nine yards.  but, dang, i was being waited on, checked on, chores done for me, and no expectations from anyone.  it got very comfortable being sick and helpless.

until one day it hit me that this was not what my H had signed up for.  in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very good time together - he went out and worked, i cooked and did the dishes, changed the sheets, swept the floor.  we bought a trailer and i cleaned it myself, bleach water and wood oil, but getting everything together for the wedding itself did me in and i was bed-bound for 6 weeks.

so, when that realization hit me, and i began thinking of what it would mean if i were well, the thought struck me about all the expectations that would again be laid on top of me.  how was i able to not fall into that trap once again?  and then it hit me - i can say 'no'.  it was all about boundaries, willingness, ability, likes and dislikes, breaking that pattern of doing everything for everybody, living up to their expectations.  i got a lot of crapola from people when i didn't live up to what they wanted from me, and those were friends and family who wanted the free ride i provided for them.

so, when i realized i could say 'no', and that was not only ok, but was my right, i began to get better.  infections faded away, no more fevers, lethargy, fatigue, misery on a regular basis.  i could breathe again, be more myself.  it didn't happen all in one day, but eventually i was not chronically ill and housebound anymore.  not dancing in the streets by any means, but more of a partner for my hub, and i felt good about that. 

it didn't last forever (i developed cancer which went undiagnosed for nearly 20 yrs., and it finally was killing me), but the notion of saying 'no' to people was life-saving.  it took longer w/ some than with others, but i'm rid of them now.  so, that was one facet of healing for me - getting myself out of a place i really didn't want to be in but was comfortable to stay there.

so, i totally understand what you're saying, PC.  it's so difficult being stuck in a neg. place, but feels even more difficult to get out of it.  you have my support for your decisions - i know they make sense to you.  and i'm here with you if you ever feel like making a move, even a small one.  i'm also here with you if you decide against making the move.  you're valuable either way, and i'm glad to be connected to you.  love and hugs

well done to both of you, SO and chart!  inspiring examples of taking your place and space on this earth.  SO, standing up for yourself, for what you need, was definitely taking back and owning your power.  very glad for you!  love and hugs

hey, chart, i agree w/ you about the whole can of worms that can be pre-verbal trauma.  the idea that our parents didn't wait till we had some form of logical brains made a whole lot of sense.  that put a whole 'nother layer on it for me.  it really could mean there's a lot more preverbal trauma than we had ever thought of.  that's a frickin' scary thought.  whew!

glad you were able to get back to work, even if you're not 100% today.  i don't know if that feels like an accomplishment for you or a necessity in order to pay the bills. 

i totally relate to the idea of my boundaries not being a priority for anyone - not only my parents, but my sister as well.  dang, we've survived a whole lot of crapola - the gift that keeps on giving, right?!  love and hugs

thank you, TBB - the session will be in about 3 hrs., so i'm sitting here in my anxiety waiting for it.  i do hope it goes smoothly.  this has been awfully stressful for me, and i'd like it to be done, get to the actual therapizing part and resume healing w/ help and guidance.