Messages

NK, your wombat sounds crazy wonderful!  got a big smile on my face trying to picture it.  i'm a big fan of the out-of-the-way animals.  one of my favorites is the sloth.  if i ever find a stuffed version of one, i'm getting it!  thanks for this and for your care. 

thank you, chart!  seems like we have some fun things in common.  very cool.

the meds and sleep are beginning to come together.  still waking up in the middle of the night, but 2 nights i have been able to go back to sleep for a few hours, so that helps.  plus, the sleep is much deeper, healing, strong, which feels so much better.  what a difference it makes.  thankfully the M.D.'s here can prescribe (or will prescribe) these kinds of meds.  actually, the clonazepam was originally prescribed by a doc cuz restless legs is a medical thing.  but zoloft is an anti-depressant (and my doc said it's also used for anxiety) and the trazadone is both anti-depressant and sedative.  all in all i'm looking to feel a bit more upbeat, which would be good.  i've been living in dark places for quite a while.

my D told me something her F said to her about relationships, saying he wouldn't want to be in more than one at a time - she was asking him about a situation she's curious about - and i know that is not the truth.  during the early part of our marriage, he wanted to go out and explore, be w/ other women, and his reasoning for that was he didn't really have a chance to do that before we got together.  at the time, i entertained the idea of giving him 6 mos. to do that, get it out of his system, but our T at the time said no, so he didn't.

anyway, his words to my D about it are just not true, and i'm wondering if i should approach her about this, ask her if i hear him telling her something that isn't true, does she want to know?  i know he forgets things, but he's also painted himself in the best light possible to other people (i know people here know how that works) throughout his life. so, does anyone think it's a good idea that i say something to her, ask if she wants to know?

before she told me this, she asked if i wanted to hear what he had to say.  i never expected him to tell her what he did.  and i understand that she might say no, and never tell me anything he says anymore, and i'm ok w/ that.  i'd rather not hear it if there are going to be painted pictures of untruths.  on the other hand, she's getting a messed up version of reality from him, and i don't like that that's happening, either.  help!

thanks, SH.

how was your tribal gathering?  hope you got something pos. from it.  love and hugs

right beside you thru the toleration process.  i know it isn't easy, but it sounds like you have a good handle on it.  love and hugs

totally agree!

[quoteBack in the day, it was a point of pride that a person no matter their sex could handle their own fecal matter. Making a living, figuring out life as it went, having the agency of and for themselves.  Did the parental units (joke) provide support?  Yes, but they were more like advisors rather than people who were actively engaged in maintaining childhood dependence. ][/quote]

i don't know what 'day' you're talking about, but back in my day, when i asked my mom to show me how to cook or clean, she told me 'you'll have plenty of time to learn when you get married'.  the assumption was there, my path was already chosen by that society's norms, and my mom gave me no advice on how to generate 'agency' on my own behalf.

i'm not trying to argue with you, SH, just letting you know that i see different perspectives depending on upbringing, timing, parental guidance (or lack thereof), emotional, mental, physical issues, all of which play a part on how a person can get along in life.  our traumas can also push back on us, rendering us quite unable to get along according to others' expectations.  i think that's part of the beauty of diversity - differing viewpoints, ways to see the world, ways to see ourselves. 

i wish all of us had been given everything we needed to get along in the world on our own, be able to take care of ourselves adequately and without help, and enjoy living day to day w/o fear or anxiety. 

and, i just wanted to mention, speaking to your former post, that when i spoke of womens' fear of men, it was not due to propaganda, but due to our personal experiences.  I don't know any woman who i've talked to about this who has not been sexually assaulted physically or verbally in some way, shape, or form without permission, by some man, either known or unknown, in private or in public.   just for myself, it's happened from strangers, husbands, in public, in private, at the workplace when i was 16 from the manager there.  so, no, i wasn't speaking from hearsay, reports, court cases, nothing out in the public that might be considered propaganda.  just from some of us gals chatting on what it's like being a woman.  and we are afraid now.

so, once again, different experiences for different people.  trauma does that.  all the more reason i admire and respect the people on this forum. there are some extremely difficult situations people here have lived thru, that have wounded them in so many ways, some to the point that, like me, are unable to support ourselves, take care of ourselves, be independent like we want to.  i am thankful every day, tho, that my D is here, helping me make it thru life and living.  she is kindness and respect personified, and i learn to be more like that every day.  so, maybe not so much childhood dependence in my case, but adult dependence now.  we're all so different, aren't we?  love and hugs

i hope sunday is something meaningful for you, SH.  love and hugs

thanks, blueberry.  it was a trial, but i got thru it. hopefully, i'll be able to stand up for what i need/want a little better going forward. 

got test results back yesterday.  some stuff is a little high, but it sounds like, in general, i'm doing ok.  nothing that scares me, altho i have the feeling that the doc is gonna try to push some meds for 'pre-diabetes', which is very popular nowadays here.  my D has done a lot of research on that cuz she was having problems w/ it for a while, so she learned a lot, but when she read my results, she started laughing cuz my levels are really not problematic at this point.  i've had high blood sugar forever and never a diabetes diagnosis, so i won't sweat it, but i'll stand firm.  i really don't want to get on the pill bandwagon if it's not absolutely necessary for my life.

i'm such a gritch when it comes to this stuff, like a donkey hunkering down, front legs straight in front of me, i'm not moving kind of thing.  i hate it so very much.  she kept talking about different meds than what i have, to keep an open mind.  i kept telling her it's not that my mind is closed, but that i've already tried so many different meds and they don't go along w/ my system, make me sicker and more miserable.  i hate frickin' arguing w/ doctors, and then they talk down to you, over-explain things like you're 7 or something.  ugh!

anyway, will be picking up my new meds today, so gonna try them all out.  i've had some i've been hoarding, and used them last nite, and my sleep was much better quality, much deeper and more restful, altho it still wasn't long enough, but that may have to come w/ practice.  still, i felt good enough to get out and walk, took a leaf stroll - one of my favorite things is crunching fallen leaves in the fall - and there are various trees w/in our apt. complex, so i walked in between them.  thought of forest bathing, something someone here talked about a couple years ago.  it was very refreshing for my soul. 

it was chilly, tho, so i'll need thicker pants next time.  my legs are still chilled.  but worth it. being able to sleep well makes all the difference.

hey, SH, i think it sucks that you have to watch out for what you say and do for fear of being taken out of context. from a female perspective, i'm sorry men have been painted with a broad brush.  i've had this conversation w/ men, and they've learned that one big difference between us is the idea that when they walk out the door, they're not worried about being violated.  most women do, at least all the ones i've spoken w/.  my gal pal just got herself some pepper spray at 76. i think it's horrible that we've come to this.

i hope your tribal gathering goes well for you.  i've been to several powwows in my life, and they've always been one place i did feel safe and welcomed, even if ignored.  but it always felt warm and natural for me. i wish i could do more of it. so, i hope you can enjoy and feel a part of something wonderful.  love and hugs

D.A.G., no, i wasn't offended.  we don't often hear of a child being the NPD and making life miserable for the parent.  i know she's spread stories about me to many friends, some of whom i've actually met and we got along well, some who wanted to do me bodily harm cuz of what they believed i'd done to her.  so, the belief is already out there that i'm the bad guy, and there's nothing i can do about it except try not to think about it.  ugh!

so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'.  i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe.  i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.

actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again.  if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet.  it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with.  i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known.  i believe i'm between layers right now.

i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you.  love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)

i'm glad it's helping, Lina.   i also like what EB said.  i think it's like we have to re-train ourselves to look at ourselves differently than the way we were shown to look at ourselves by others.  staying silent, check.  don't ask questions, check.  quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about, check.  to my mind, it all goes into the basket labelled 'you don't deserve to be you, you're not worth it, you don't matter, you're not as good as others' and whatever else may have become jumbled up in there.  like many icky colored balls of yarn that have gotten tangled together in our psyche.  and we have to do the untangling before we can see them for what they are and finally toss them.

i've read many posts here over the years that have talked about this issue - you are definitely not alone!  love and hugs

blueberry, my wording was off.  anxiety is often listed as a cause, but c-ptsd isn't, cuz it's not often recognized on its own yet.  sorry for the confusion.  hope this clears that up. 

and thanks for the care.  i'm better now - this crapola comes and goes for me, sometimes in a very short time.

blueberry, i do believe anxiety is a major cause of stress flu, and it's anxiety related to c-ptsd, which isn't ordinarily recognized in most places, so i can totally see why it wouldn't have been listed as a 'cause' for stress flu.  so much of my stress is directly caused by anxiety, i kind of see them going hand in hand a lot of the time.  but, at least for me, anxiety is extremely stressful to have and deal with.

and, i actually had a huge bout of this the other nite, due, i am sure, by my anxiety over the doc appt. i went to yesterday.  major chills for nearly 2 hrs., bundled up to sleep out in the living room, slept 2 hrs., woke up feeling feverish and hot, and went to bed.  but i thought of you and your post about how you felt, and in my mind i went, yep, right there with you, blueberry. 

so, i'm still feeling some of the effects of it today - it takes a while with me for this to run its course, but it's all about rest now, just being in my little groove till everything smooths out again.

hey, D.A.G, my oldest D (D1) and i haven't had contact in over 13 yrs. - she doesn't want me in her life anymore.  when you mentioned how other people see a kid who's NC w/ a parent, and that it doesn't look good for the parent, yeah, you're right.  in my case, tho, it's because my D1 has made up stories about me and stuff i've supposedly 'done' to her.  long story, (and our family also thought/hoped that once a lot of her mental illness stuff was resolved, she would see us in a different light as well - her F and her S have both pulled aways from her, too, gone NC, and still are, not just me) but people are going to think what they will because of what the people in our lives tell them to think.  your M has her own perspective on the world, on her place in it, and that's where her narrative comes from. 

unfortunately, we can't do anything about that.  i understand the idea of still loving them, no matter what, of missing them, the heart wounds that don't go away.  over time it gets easier, even if it doesn't fully go away.  my heart goes out to you as you struggle w/ this.  it touches so much of our lives, doesn't it.

thinking of you.  love and hugs

thank you, blueberry. 

the appt. went pretty ok.  the doc talked pretty loudly, and i felt myself shrinking, then my D hopped into the conversation, said she had a headache, could the doc speak more quietly, please?  and she did, so that helped.  but i got my meds for sleep, altho she was really pushing me to go see a T, which i can't afford right now (i have doc bills that will have to get paid, for one thing!), and i got bloodwork done, which i haven't had in nearly 10 yrs., so at least i'll see what's going on inside.

the downside is that i felt like i was pushed onto on the medical hamster wheel now.  have you had this done?  here's a number to call and make an appt.  what about that?  another card. no rush, but  . . . i can't afford more tests - it's gonna be a stretch just to pay for what i had done yesterday - more financial crapola!!!  so, i hate the pressure to get this and that done. 

i got meds, at least, altho no xanax now.  she won't prescribe it for the 'addiction' reason.  i know i've gotten physically addicted to them, can't take that stuff for 15 yrs. and not get addicted, but i'm not into getting high off them, only take enough to allow me to be able to, not even enjoy, that's not the word and not how i feel, but to be able to function in life.  but i did get something for my restless legs and some anti-dep/anxiety meds, and some sedative stuff - which i've had before - to help me get to sleep.  so, i should be good to go.

phew!!! 

so happy to see you here, chart.  enjoy, enjoy!

that fire sounds wonderful, and we had our first snow today, so that's always fun to see, and your cozy fire makes it all the more delicious.  hot chocolate at the ready, and fresh snickerdoodles - sugar and carb free!  i'm gonna relax and enjoy my book - am reading steven king's 'dark tower' series, book 1 - the gunslinger.  not really horror, more of a 'firefly' feel, it's a little bit here but a little bit magic, too.  a good blend and i'm looking forward to reading all 7 books of the series.  so, yeah, rest and relax in my rocking chair, smelling the logs burning, hearing them crackle.  relaxing.