Messages

thanks, NK.  she's getting better but i'm taking her to urgent care today, just to make sure we're not missing anything.

so, i'm really run down today, it's finally caught up w/ me.  ugh.

chart, very sorry about your estrangement with your D - i know mine does it as a punishment to me cuz she's so very, very angry at me, has been most of her life.  i've offered to go to therapy w/ her, but she's refused every time.  i believe it's cuz she knows the truth will come out and she wouldn't be able to bully her way out of that w/ yet another T.  and, so, yes, as you say, we never give up on those who love us back.  there have been so few, but i know my life is better for letting the rest go.  still, there's a hole in my heart where D1 belongs.  i just live w/ it and focus on the other things/people who give to me as well as take what i can offer.  thank you for your support and wisdom.

i'm doing ok today.  grocery store and library, just waiting for my D to wake up so i know what to get for us.  she's still too sick to do anything.  we've decided this is more than stress flu - lots of coughing gunk.  she thinks she got it from a friend she saw last week.  i've just been grateful that i've felt good enough to take up the slack, make food, do extra chores and the like.  just more stress.  bring it on!!!   

Our nervous system is like that of any mammal, it needs touch to regulate itself. Being deprived of that is part of the injury to our nervous system in CPTSD. It makes it harder for us to regulate emotionally.

Thanks, hannah1. injury to our nervous system feels right on the money.  and the rest of what you wrote here sure speaks to my own difficulty w/ regulating my emotions. they're either non-existent or blasting away full force most of the time.  amazing to me once again how far reaching this goes.  thanks to frank for all his wisdom, too, in showing us the way.   

my dear friends, my hair's kind of blown back by all the support.  thank you so.

marcine, i'm so very sorry that you could relate to that.  with D1, i believe i was in 'fight or flight' for nearly 20 yrs.  after she was 16, it was 'waiting for the phone call', and before that it was checking her every 15 min. after she went to bed cuz she was on so many meds i wanted to make sure she was still breathing.  and my darling D, the one w/ whom i live, got the scraps.  and my marriage was work work work all the time, but i couldn't handle my 2 children on my own, and yet i did manage to go back to school and get my MSW and become a therapist, so i took care of myself, too, altho that added pressure did not a lot for my mental and physical health.  yeah, i did it all, and it nearly killed me.  so i eventually ran away to mexico to live, to save my life.  i take care of myself when i'm able or when i have to. thanks for your support. 

thank you, armee.  yes, i did tell my T that i showed up for our session as a way to take care of myself.  i forgot to tell her that i'm writing novels, and that's for me, and i write nearly every night before bed, maybe a chapter or so, but i have managed to do for me thru everything.  i forgot about everything i just wrote to marcine, tho.  when i'm on the spot, having to answer questions, my mind often does not click in, and i only remember later what else i could have added.  still, i do the best i can.  i'm taking time for me right now writing here.   

hannah1, thanks for your support.  it is arduous for me, especially at this late stage in my life, to start w/ a new T cuz i have so many decades, marriages, relationships to get thru besides the regular childhood stuff.  and, yes, there has been a lot of healing and repairing that had to happen, including a lot of apologies from me, for my D and i to have the relationship we have.  in the beginning, she wasn't sure if it would work.  at all.  but, we do talk a lot, are both kind and considerate, allow privacy and respect, and that goes a long way towards repairing what happened in the past.  i'm so grateful we were able to make it happen.

TBB, thanks.  it was good.  she's very caring, very careful, asks good questions and makes appropriate faces.  she was very concerned about me taking time for me, and, like i said above, i forgot about the writing i do.  i did bring up that i made it to the session, and in the end she mentioned she was glad i did that.  so, we're building a foundation, and so far it feels good and solid.

NK, thanks for the well wishes.  it went well, she's doing everything that i'd hoped for, and so far it feels good, so i'm glad of that.

i have an interview today w/ someone from RULA.  don't know if anyone's heard of it, but it's a part of the company my T belongs to therapy-wise.  they send out reminders for me as to when my appt. is, about 3 or 4, actually, as well as questionnaires every week to determine how well or not i'm doing.  i asked her about it, she said those are for insurance purposes.  it all feels very metallic to me, but she said some of it is helpful to her.  metallic as in machine-like.  i asked her if it was AI, she said she didn't think so, but after one of the questionnaires, it determined that i was moderately depressed and had SI, (which has a large caveat behind it, but couldn't check a box for that) and would i like to make an appt. with a shrink.  i got 2 emails about that.

i don't like machines analyzing me.  maybe it's just me living in the dark ages, but even the mechanized phone systems drive me nuts, get me flustered, half the time i have to ask my D for help cuz i've just lost it and my mind doesn't work anymore.  so, nervous about this, but am getting a gift card to starbucks for participating, and we'll be able to use that when we go to C2E2 next month to sell books.  deep breath.

'beneficial synergy'    yep, marcine, i totally agree.  since i've been connected to this forum, i've experienced that so many times.  it's magic to me.  life-saving. uplifting. and lots and lots of relief that i'm not weird/crazy.  so glad you're here.  love and hugs

wow, hannah1, just wow!  i've lived in the desert for a while, and i know what you mean about the beauty it holds in its harshness.  i'm not a hiker, per se, but i've often walked thru forests, big and small, and they were my peace makers.  i do hope everything heals as you need it to do so you can enjoy camping and hiking once again.  sounds fabulous!

"the most triggering part is having to act like there is no trigger. Is that weird? "
 
to me, that makes perfect sense.  not weird at all.  to my mind, our world has been similar to alice's adventures 'through the looking glass' where we've had to run as fast as we can to stay in the same place, and if we wanted to move forward, we had to run twice as fast.  that's what it's always felt like to me, and it helps explain to me why i'm so exhausted most of the time!

 love and hugs

i agree w/ what TBB says, NK.  so many games w/ this hospital stay have been played at your expense.  we all have our limits, and it sounds like you've found yours, and for that i applaud you .  setting boundaries w/ families may be some of the toughest work we do.  i know that from experience, have stayed too long out of familial loyalty, but in the end, i'm glad of my decisions, and i do hope you're glad about yours.  love and hugs dear NK

my D is still sick, coughing, i'm very tired, weary, just want to curl up someplace but i know that'll never happen cuz she needs me to make food, get thera-flu, water, listen to her, watch tv w/ her - just lots of little bits and bobs that help her feel better.  i'm here for that, but it wears me down after a while.  it's been years of working together on letting me do things for her when she's not well - some of her own childhood trauma shining thru.



************************TW - self-harm mentioned -**********************************





i read about children being behind a 'glass wall', and i do believe that's her.  my D1 was always in crisis, whether it was mysterious illnesses like RSDS, strange bouts of seizures, and worse - her self=harm and more, always keeping me on my toes, waiting for 'the' phone call, running here and there w/ her, docs, T's, PT, getting her thru high school alive, and my darling D was always there, watching everything happen as if she was behind a glass wall.  no time or energy to help her along day to day, so she came not to expect it, and then feel uncomfortable if she did get it, to the point of pushing me away in later years.  finally, she can accept help and care from me, but it's been a long, hard road.  however, i'm so glad now.


********************************end TW************************************


and so my life goes.  T today, don't know what to talk about - we're so much in beginning stages, i don't really know what she wants to hear, what order.  i've spoken randomly about stuff, but there's no cohesion yet.  we'll see.  still, i'm nervous.  this is new all over again for me.

to me, it feels like a miracle to find a doc who 'sees' you, listens, hears, helps.  hannah1, i'm so glad for you, honestly.  docs who don't listen, ignore, dismiss.  just lately i, too, think i've found a doc who will listen, take me seriously, look past the silence and ask questions instead.  feels like a miracle, indeed. 

here's hoping you get some relief from all you've been made to suffer thru.  it's just not right.  this is wonderful news! 

sending love and a hug filled w/ all the help you've been needing for so long, and meds that help you feel better.

thanks for the cheer, hannah1!  it was nice to feel the calm.  unusual, but lovely.  i'm hopeful i'll feel more of those. and, yes, i've been masking since day 1, might not ever unmask, at least in public places.

my D is ill, most likely stress flu.  she found out yesterday that her disability was denied.  luckily i'm able to take up some of the slack for her editing work for others, so we're still able to bring in some money, even if she's not up to doing it.  we're also looking forward to attending C2E2, the midwest comic-con in chicago next month.  it'll be 3 days, 10-hr. days over a weekend.  she's getting all her books ready now, and next week we'll be able to order what's still needed.  apparently this is a big deal, like 100,000 people big.  second only to san diego's comic-con.  i don't think i'll be able to do all 3 days, but we've figured out that i can sit sat. out, stay at the motel, and one of her friends will be able to come down, spend the day w/ her at the table.

so much going on, as usual.  plus it's her birthday next month and she'll be 45 - getting to middle age!  that might be weighing on her as well.  so, i've got to play nurse right now, not my favorite thing, but she's awfully good w/ me when i'm down, so i'm ok w/ it.  i just hate that she's so completely wiped out.  ugh! 

plus, she's been recording her sugar/carb spikes for the past 2 weeks, and the anxiety produced from that for her has knocked her under. 

thinking of you.  love and hugs

i echo NK, marcine - start w/ what you know.  very wise, very solid, very grounded.  i'm glad your kids and your students have you, a good person, a principled person.  there are no better, to my mind, and definitely not enough.  love and hugs, if that's ok.

hannah1, i don't know of much more awful than having a gift of love from a child trashed. as said above, no words. the idea of burdening a child w/ a secret between parents is also awful - i've had that experience, and i caved in 3 days.  thought i was doing the right thing by being honest, turns out i got punished. i still don't know how to hold secrets that can be hurtful, that are full of poison, as marcine said.  those kinds of experiences can break a child, cause them to question their decisions for the rest of their life.  who to be true to when even being true to yourself brings pain.  my heart is with you.  love and hugs

[TBB]

my dear friends, your responses touched me, brought tears out.  this whole idea of deprivation, altho i've written about some of my experiences w/ it in my journals, this was the first time it came together as a whole, as an entity relating to trauma.  i'd struggled w/ this for years after reading of the physical horrors some people have gone thru, which i hadn't.  how could non-physical anything be as bad?

and, i'm not comparing, but i broached that subject w/ my former T, and she told me that it's often what's done/not done that can't be seen, that can leave wounds even more difficult to resolve and heal. it took a while for that to sink in, years, actually, until the word 'deprivation' came out of my mouth during my last session.  i think it struck me so hard cuz it was an entire concept, not just an incident here or there, but an ongoing wave of 'not' - not getting, not having, not knowing.  as TBB said, it is like missing an entire layer of being human.

So, at least now it's in front of me.  and, yes, kizzie, some of it i can know, get, or do for myself, like my clogs. some of it has been mostly dealt with (altho someday i may have to drag a guy off a barstool and bring him home w/ me - there are things i can't do myself, after all! ) and, like Dalloway said, some absences will simply linger cuz it's too much to try to fix.  besides, i don't have that much time, i'm guessing.  as far as 'unnatural treatment' which marcine was able to see and label as such, i never thought of it that way, but it is true, isn't it.  emotional connection is natural, comfort is natural, attachment is natural - babies are born w/ the need to suckle for sustaining their lives.  it's natural to connect physically as well.

so, moving on and taking no hostages.  i have been deprived but i will continue to do my best not to deprive myself, not of my love, not of my caring, i'll hug anyone who lets me to get some touch in my life.  i will wear sleeveless dresses during the summer no matter what anyone thinks of my 'grandma' arms cuz they're cool and floaty and remind me of me. i am good.  thank you all for your responses - you're the best!  love and hugs all around.

thank you, TBB, me too!  here's to the beginning of what i'm afraid will be a slow, arduous journey, but maybe in the end will be quicker to resolution.

i just wrote about deprivation in the childhood section, and as i kept writing, it kind of overwhelmed me how far-reaching those tentacles were.  wow!