Messages

blueberry, i love the idea of doing some cleaning up in the garden.  the weather for doing that isn't always going to be ideal, whereas, indoor chores have no weather circumstances to worry about.  they'll be there, waiting, but good weather won't necessarily be so.  isn't there a phrase 'make hay while the sun shines'? 

as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.  it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps.  nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again.  love and hugs

thanks, armee.  your theory is very interesting, especially the idea that when the emotion might be too strong, it could be overpowering, in which case it does not show itself.  a different take than anything i've read, but not without merit.  when i think back to the time i rolled/flipped my van, as i was heading off the freeway after having hit black ice and knowing there is no stopping or control available in such a situation, i felt no fear.  i imagine most people would have been panicked, screaming, tensed up, something other than sitting back, relaxed, took my feet off the pedals, and kept my hands loosely on the steering wheel just to keep the van from overly curving, and saying in my mind 'here we go', which is what i did.   

i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it.  the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction.  so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering.  thanks so much for this, armee. 

therapy was stressful.  she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future.  i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.

so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her?  did she want to stop?  was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened?  in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences.  she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with.  i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.

since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary.  i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like.  but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that.  so, this may be the way to go for now.

just to add a little more to this thread - my previous T told me she believed emotional/mental wounds were more difficult to heal than the physical wounds.  she mentioned the idea that physical abuse is something that can be seen, while the other is unseen.  how many times during my life have i read articles about the difference in having physical health issues treated while mental/emotional  health issues are overlooked, pooh-pooh'ed, dismissed, minimized and on and on.

yay for science, indeed!  when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing.  the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.

when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma.  this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.

getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is.  there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel.  i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.

this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved.  love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.

thank you, NK.  i'm already getting worked up about it, and it's not going down for several hours.  we'll see.  at least this is an example of how very fragile i am, and she can see it in living color, so to speak.  thanks for the support.  truly appreciated.    

indeed, hannah1, it does feel like a win.  thank you! 

therapy today.  we're slated to process what happened 2 weeks ago, but honestly, and i was afraid this was going to happen, i don't remember what it was about, only the aftermath.  i know, take notes, but i don't remember to do that either.  hopefully she'll have notes.  it makes me nervous that this will be brought up again and i'm going to react overwhelmingly again.

i've had a lot of that lately, it seems.  i'm finding it's still jarring, upsetting to talk to my D about her F and S.  these are the 2 people who are 2 of the biggest abusers in my life for the longest time, and who still have me by the neck.  i worked really hard w/ my previous T to help this not be so, and the impact has lessened, but it's still there.  they're the ones who will prevent me from going back to sleep in the middle of the night.  still haunted by them.

my D and i were talking about him the other day - he's moving into assisted living now - and i did something nice for him, and she relayed the messages back and forth for him and me, and he was grateful, etc.   but i discovered later that it still landed badly with me.  at one point he wanted to make amends to me, but that got botched, and i've thought about urging him to try again, that i might be ready now (i got a lot of anger out in my reply to him last time, and he backed away, so it never happened) but just after that little chat about him, i could feel my insides roiling around and remembered that amends are not to be made if they would provide pain/suffering, and i'm afraid i'm in that category.

i'd love to hear some heartfelt apologies from him, but i don't believe i can take it.  so goes the damage.

hannah1, what a glowing tribute to you as a mom.  and now you're entering a new phase of life and your possibilities are nearly endless.  all the steps you've taken to be true to you in spite of all that's happened to you is inspirational.  thanks for sharing.

being a retired EMDR therapist myself, and having had EMDR done on me for some of my issues, i'm very sorry to hear it didn't work out for you.  i'm glad, tho, that you did get some internal visualizations which were helpful.  there are others here who didn't have a good time w/ EMDR, either and some who got a lot of the help they needed with it.  All therapists, trauma or not, are sadly not equal. 

you've found your way to where you are now, and you're continuing on the way you want.  brava!  keep going.  love and hugs 

my heart goes out to you, slash. here's a gentle hug, if that's ok. 

feeling pretty ok this morning.  i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy it.  gives me a chance to write, read, play games, sit back and relax.  i'll take it.

well, that's 3 soggy humans, hannah1 (thanks for the visual, TBB).  i think we do the best we can at any given moment.  yeah, age does change some things - physically and emotionally.  physically, well, how do i count the ways?  emotionally - we've seen so much more now than 20 yrs. ago, we've experienced more, we've tried more, we've fallen more, we've gotten ourselves back up more - for better or worse, we're on the treadmill of life.

as i've heard many times here on the forum, this, too, shall pass.  as we go thru it, it often seems like it really won't, but i've discovered it always does.  just get thru it as best you can.  sending you a warm blanket filled with healing color to help absorb some of the worst of it.  the fact that you are still mothering, still being there for your kids says a lot.  don't ever count that out, ok?  it's huge.  and it's doing a lot.  love and hugs

feeling better today, like i got some good sleep/rest during the night.  up and down.  it's going to be a lovely spring day today, then back to winter temps.  i don't mind, i'm so glad to be back to where there are definite seasons.  living on the northern west coast gave us a modicum of seasons, but kind of like shadow images.  not quite there, not quite not.

just wanted to respond to what NK said - manure can also be full of toxic chemicals, heavy metals, and harmful bacteria that the animals ingest, and even if it's well composted, antibiotics and all the rest can pass thru the animal and be found in their manure.  so, yeah, toxic possibilities abound.  we're living products of that, aren't we!

well, blueberry, i spied another 'should' in there.  personally, i think anything that enriches the mind, such as learning another language, is extremely important for the brain's well-being.  i think it's a form of self-care, actually.  and i can't think of anything more useful or beneficial to you or the world than to exercise your brain and  gather in another culture thru language.  just my thoughts.

along w/ that, it brought to mind my lifting weights.  is it anything 'useful'?  well, to my muscles, cells, mind it is, which means that i'm going to stay healthier longer while i'm on earth.  healthy people, whether in body or mind are our best bets, don't you think? for sanity and peace.

so, as far as i'm concerned, a big ol' POO! on FOO!  and their narrow-minded thinking about what you should or shouldn't be doing.  i once heard that if we do something that makes us happy, at least one person in the world will feel happiness in their lives.  is there a better gift we can give ourselves?  love and hugs

so, the shift didn't stick around too long - i was a mess yesterday, even had a cigarette, my second in 2 weeks.  i'm still so tired, just worn out, even tho i've been getting decent sleep.  all that running around, driving here and there took more out of me than i first thought.  i'm activating my feet now (thanks, blueberry), so that's at least something, but i don't feel energized enough to do more, except dishes later.  can't rely on anything pos. still.

Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not!

Hannah1, this quote got to me.  i live in a part of the country where people are very 'nice', as in, they don't always tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  not that they have to come out and say 'yuck, i hate that' or anything harsh - there are ways to say something just doesn't work for you, or it's not of your personal taste w/o being brutal or unkind - but too many people i know do actually lie or skirt the truth in a way to leave me confused, and, yes, i now have to question many things told me by these people.

example:  i asked my friend if she like quacamole, and she gave me an enthusiastic 'yes', so i made some the way i learned from living in mexico.  i gave her a container of it, the next time i talked to her i asked her if she liked it, she said 'it's all gone'.  then i said, ok, cool, i'll make more when i get avocados, and she hesitated before whatever it was she said.  so, the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, the 'it's all gone' statement, and she told me neither she nor her hub liked it, and it was tossed (gone).  he happened to be there at the tie, i said 'i hear you didn't like the guacamole i made' and he froze, stock still, deer in the headlights, looked at his wife, and i said that she'd already told me neither of them had liked it. 

then came the time-aged strategy explanation - we didn't want to hurt your feelings.  i said, you know, i heard you liked it, and i was going to make more for you (to me guac is a treat!), but you would've let me go thru all that work just to throw it away?  i'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie, and just cuz you don't like something i've given you doesn't hurt my feelings.

what came from this is much more wariness around these people, all the questions you asked, cuz on more than one occasion there has been promises made and broken, say one thing one time, the opposite another time, expectations that weren't followed thru on, and i've decided i really can't trust them to be honest with me.  so, yes, all those questions you asked, i think they can be pertinent in such situations.  w/ such 'nice' people we can rarely be sure they'll follow thru on what they've said, or mean what they say in the first place.  it's too bad.  but, please, don't make yourself crazy over it.  too many people have been taught to lie to 'save face', or not hurt someone's feelings.  just tread carefully, i think, and understand what might be going on underneath what someone says.  i think that's one way we can protect ourselves. 

by the by, this friend has other very good qualities, which is why i'm not going to eliminate her from my life - at least not now - but i remain wary, and take what she says w/ a grain of salt till i see proof.  love and hugs
 

  ditto.

when i got married in mexico, i told my mexican husband that i was no mexican wife, to not expect me to make mexican dishes (i never wanted to compare my cooking w/ that of my mother-in-law - there's no competition there.  mom's meals will always win out! 

so, yeah, i hear you.  love and hugs