Messages

thank you so, TBB.  i appreciate all the healing sent my way.  i just need to rest off the stress of last week.   

hannah1, i forgot to thank you for your validating words - haven't been thinking straight, foggy brain and all.  thanks for the extra hope coming my way - much appreciated.  i think i've been thru this ordeal enough times to know i want a T who wants to take care of me, not the other way around, and i'm no longer afraid to say so.  i was, very much so, in the past, but it's been a long road and a lot of practice w/ much encouragement from people like you to get me to where i am.  thank you so.   

hangin' in.  cutting way back this weekend.

chart, your thanks are profoundly and gently received because a lot of us know how very difficult it is to take in the good stuff.  we know, with bells on, how to take in the bad - lots of practice with that.  here, amazingly enough, there are a bunch of honest, caring people who, as far as i've known, do not lie when they give out compliments.  for me, it's been part of the reprogramming, getting pos. stuff over and over until it finally finds its way to sinking in, even if only an inch at first, but eventually all the way to the heart, cells, and soul. 

we wouldn't say these things if we didn't mean it.  with our experiences, we know what pos., healthy parenting looks like, and i, for one, absolutely want to celebrate it.  you deserve it, chart.  i hope you can begin taking it in as real.  this is what we all wish we had.  love and hugs

thank you, DF - i could feel your presence as i read what you wrote - very warm and soothing.

still feeling crappy, had like fever sweats last nite, so shower and sheets changed this morning.  can't wait for this to run its course.  again.

hey, DF, i'm on the cusp, and i can see how that played out as i look back on my life, how it still plays out at times.    good luck when you see the psych.  and well done talking to the doc and getting that all straightened out for yourself. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

aaaah, grief.  i don't doubt that a lot of us have a lot of grief that needs to come up and out, so i'm glad for you, hope, that you're noticing some of yours.  we have lost so much over our lifetimes, on so many different levels.  i know i still have tons of grief somewhere inside, but i don't know that i have the time left anymore to get at it.  still, i can appreciate when others tap into it.  you're doing so well, hope.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

i'm suffering from stress flu today, it came on yesterday, so i don't have much energy, but i do want to thank DF, TBB, NK, and HannahOne for your cheering me on, giving me all that support, and letting me know this is what 'being heard' means, which any trauma T should already know and practice.

    so glad for you!  love and hugs

 

and for frank - 

mindful can be a healing thing.  love and hugs

  i echo everything NK said.  it can be so disheartening to not be able to predict, to ride the wave at a high only to be crashed in the next minute w/o knowing how or why.  love and hugs

dang, blue sky, i hate those anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere, no triggers to just grab onto.  i deal w/ those on a reg. basis before bed, so i know there's something there but i haven't quite pinpointed it yet.  i also have those surprise types that knock me upside the head, so to speak.

i had that similar message from my F that 'average' was not good enough, not in my grades nor in how i lived my life.  striving to live up to the expectation of perfection is not only impossible, but exhausting.  i strive to be average now, but even that can be tricky.  i think 'pass' is a good thing to strive for, and congrats on achieving that!

sending an extra hug to your self, if that's ok.  and some love.  glad you're here.

thanks, SO.  i looked it up, lots of different translations, but i get it.  jetzt geht's los indeed!  thank you so much for all your support!

TBB and DF - you both made me smile.  thanks so much for your encouragement and support.      

well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.

she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.

so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected.  first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago.  i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem.  this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!

TBB, thank you for all your insight and support.  it means a lot.  when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff.  i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 

So, i've been thinking about what to write.  my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong.  the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe.  that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T. 

i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her.  it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment.  very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session.  my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known.  didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me!  but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.

TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'.  this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said.  honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture.  never felt it.  thanks for pointing this out.  it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.

chart, what a breathtakingly beautiful attitude toward your children, your role as dad, your sense of family.  despite your pain, what you're going thru, you bring out the best in you for your kids. you are remarkable, too, for braving the tsunami and making another go of it all.  sending love and a hug filled w/ the strength and power you need. 

so very cool to see these origins come to life here.

first, thank you, all you fine people for your thoughts on this.

thebigblue, that 'letter' was so well-thought out, it really was on the mark.  if i tend to go that route, i could almost use it word for word!  thanks for your kindness and care.  it felt really good. 

DF, i thought so, too, about how much she dismissed what i'd said about not wanting to do IFS right from the start.  thanks for picking up on that, cuz that's what really ticked me off.  i so appreciate your warmth, recognition, and love, too.  that felt wonderful to read that.  and thanks for validating that my anger is warranted.  much appreciated.

SO, you made me smile so hard!  thanks for all the power recognition - i am feeling powerful right now.  all your words just stirred me up in a good way!  love it!!!

i am so grateful for all your insights here.  i also talked to me D about it this morning, and she immediately said, 'well, you can cross her off the list'.  she remembered that i'd mentioned red flags in my first phone call w/ her, when i introduced myself w/ my name, and when she responded, she used a diminutive of it.  when it happened again, i told her 'people usually call me san', but it was a small red flag already that she didn't listen and also that she went along w/ her own agenda re: how to address me.

so, my D is ready to let her go via email, in the most efficient way possible - dear T, this isn't going to work, i won't be seeing you again' kind of thing.  but i really do like the idea of giving her my reasons, give her a chance to respond, see if she has any referrals that could be useful.  and, now that i think of it, this way i won't have to pay for another session.  so, i'll think on this for a day or so, but i want to tell you all again how much this meant to me.

o, and as far as what you said, tbb, therapists are human, i understand that, and can make mistakes, and i went thru that w/ my former T several times w/o a problem, but here, to me, the idea that she wouldn't listen to some very basic requests was more dismissive of what i'd asked for than just making a mistake.  so, maybe we have a little different view on that, or maybe i'm more sensitive cuz it's happened too often.

at any rate, thank you for your responses.  you really helped me sort thru this.