Messages

TBB, thank you for all your insight and support.  it means a lot.  when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff.  i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 

So, i've been thinking about what to write.  my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong.  the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe.  that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T. 

i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her.  it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment.  very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session.  my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known.  didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me!  but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.

TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'.  this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said.  honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture.  never felt it.  thanks for pointing this out.  it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.

chart, what a breathtakingly beautiful attitude toward your children, your role as dad, your sense of family.  despite your pain, what you're going thru, you bring out the best in you for your kids. you are remarkable, too, for braving the tsunami and making another go of it all.  sending love and a hug filled w/ the strength and power you need. 

so very cool to see these origins come to life here.

first, thank you, all you fine people for your thoughts on this.

thebigblue, that 'letter' was so well-thought out, it really was on the mark.  if i tend to go that route, i could almost use it word for word!  thanks for your kindness and care.  it felt really good. 

DF, i thought so, too, about how much she dismissed what i'd said about not wanting to do IFS right from the start.  thanks for picking up on that, cuz that's what really ticked me off.  i so appreciate your warmth, recognition, and love, too.  that felt wonderful to read that.  and thanks for validating that my anger is warranted.  much appreciated.

SO, you made me smile so hard!  thanks for all the power recognition - i am feeling powerful right now.  all your words just stirred me up in a good way!  love it!!!

i am so grateful for all your insights here.  i also talked to me D about it this morning, and she immediately said, 'well, you can cross her off the list'.  she remembered that i'd mentioned red flags in my first phone call w/ her, when i introduced myself w/ my name, and when she responded, she used a diminutive of it.  when it happened again, i told her 'people usually call me san', but it was a small red flag already that she didn't listen and also that she went along w/ her own agenda re: how to address me.

so, my D is ready to let her go via email, in the most efficient way possible - dear T, this isn't going to work, i won't be seeing you again' kind of thing.  but i really do like the idea of giving her my reasons, give her a chance to respond, see if she has any referrals that could be useful.  and, now that i think of it, this way i won't have to pay for another session.  so, i'll think on this for a day or so, but i want to tell you all again how much this meant to me.

o, and as far as what you said, tbb, therapists are human, i understand that, and can make mistakes, and i went thru that w/ my former T several times w/o a problem, but here, to me, the idea that she wouldn't listen to some very basic requests was more dismissive of what i'd asked for than just making a mistake.  so, maybe we have a little different view on that, or maybe i'm more sensitive cuz it's happened too often.

at any rate, thank you for your responses.  you really helped me sort thru this. 

  really nice start to this journal, hope.

it struck me what you said about the terror being mostly gone, but it left room for feelings of abandonment now.  it sounds to me like you've grown emotionally, which i'm not surprised due to all the hard work you keep doing.  well done for the progress you've made!

keep up the good work.  i hope your new books are as helpful as the others have been for you.  love and hugs

yes we are, PC, and i'm together with you.  everyone here gives me the strength i need to keep going.  it is a real connection that i've hung onto for over a decade.  so glad i found this place, these people.

i've chosen to hand forgiveness over to some higher power who will take care of it for me.  it does similar for me as you spoke about - lets the poison out.  i've only hated one person, actually felt the hatred, and it was horrid but it also felt natural at the time, organic in a sense that i didn't set out to feel that way, it just came over me.  it's finally left me somehow, but i know it was there for a time and i hope i don't have to feel it again.

i'm glad your day has started out well, you're feeling pretty good.  i hope you have more days like this.  love and hugs

my dear chart, feeling so bad for you that you're going thru this.  wish there was something i could do to help.  i actually loved your 'tricks' that you talked about earlier - i wish there was a way to trick those pain centers into going to sleep, giving you a break for a while.  do you know if there is something physical behind the pain or if it's c-ptsd related?  whatever is causing it, i hope it leaves you alone, sooner the better.  bringing a big coffee along for you while i visit, just to listen, go ahead and rant and rave.  maybe that'll release some of the pain.  love and hugs

So, thank you so for your words of encouragement.   

thebigblue, thank you for being on my side. 

to both of you, you'd think she'd be attuned - she says she's a trauma therapist (altho i've run into that before). i told her beforehand that i was terrified of the whole IFS situation, that i'd been seeing my former T 2x/week cuz i was in crisis for 5 yrs., that i'd asked that T about IFS, she didn't go anywhere w/ it w/ me, and i told this T i thought it was because she didn't think i could manage it.  also about my alexithymia, couldn't feel my emotions, and when i looked up IFS it talked about how do i feel toward a part, how did the part feel about me, and since i didn't even feel my own feelings, that was too much.

yet she insisted on poking at it w/ the gray lady, who i said i didn't hate, but that i was embarrassed more by the fact that i couldn't handle situations on my own.  she went on about how the parts are there to protect us, blah blah  and i know all that, explained i'd been very floaty much of my life, didn't feel like i had other parts, just air/wind.

and after it was all done, we made a date for next week, and i got up from my chair and i could barely move my legs.  this was at 3, it wasn't till nearly 9 that i figured it all out. (i'd also told her i have a lot of psychosomatic stuff going on cuz of the alexithymia).  i've been dragging around the house for nearly 6 hrs., barely able to walk, and i finally sat down and thought about this whole thing.  i discovered a bit ago that when my legs go it means anger.  i don't feel it most of the time, and when i don't, my legs stop working instead.  so, ok, i'm angry, but about what?  had to think about that for a while also, and it came to me finally that it was cuz she didn't frickin' listen to what i'd been saying about the IFS situation, she went there anyway, kept poking at it, coming back to it, talking about it/the gray lady, had me talk about her - but it was at least half the session focused on that.

so, i'm pissed!   and when i finally figured it all out, having to go backwards from my legs to my brain, they are now working quite well again.  it feels miraculous, but it's what i've been saying and experiencing for so long now, and she wouldn't frickin' listen!!!!    and i end up feeling crummy cuz i can barely walk because she wouldn't go slow, but kinda jumped right in!!!!

i think i'll see her next week and give her a piece of my mind, let her know she didn't listen to me, tell her what happened because of it, and see how she responds.  this may be a make it or break it moment right off the bat, and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions, i'd love to hear them.  i'm so mad right now i can barely see or think straight!!!     thanks.  i knew you all would be with me - i'm sure that's how i figured this out in a relatively short time, altho it felt long to me.  i was so upset i had a cigarette, and it felt right.  and i'm not too happy about that, either.

thanks so much, DF - it was very comforting to hear what you had to say.  you are part of my strength.

SO, that may be so cliche, but honestly, it nearly took my breath away at the same time putting a smile into my heart.  thank you so much for that.  i know i won't forget it.  it's really special.

talking to a new therapist today, terrible anxiety about the whole thing last nite, so many 'what if's?' going around and around, very stressful, so when i woke during the nite, i couldn't get back to sleep for hours cuz the stress opened my mind to thoughts about my ex and my D1, none of which were helpful or hopeful, just agitating.  maybe i need to get mad at them.  or, which i've stopped doing, give them their 5 min. during the day to just say and do to me what they want, and then i can leave them behind.

anyway, there have been people here talking about parts, and this T told me she does a lot of IFS work, and i told her i was terrified of that.  i've been thinking of it, looked it up, lots of feelings about parts, how they feel about me, too many feelings when i can't even access my own!  so that sent me flying away from that even further.  also, the thought came to me that i don't really know if i have parts, cuz i still feel quite a bit unformed in many ways.  i've functioned like this forever, so except for the gray lady who is my 'endurer'.  i can still feel floaty, like i have very little substance.

anyway, we'll find out in a few hours what's gonna happen.  but i'm very nervous, scared, anxious about the whole thing.  i know i need to find a sense of stability first and foremost, and i need to be heard.  i think those 2 things are uppermost on my list of how i want to start this therapy.  we'll see.

so interesting, DF.  i related so much to what you wrote, and to the idea of 'self-erasure' that thebigblue wrote.  i've had problems for a very long time with the idea of feeling weak.  i've always been the 'strong' one, have gotten thru a lot of muck because of my 'inner strength', if you will, but what happened is that after i began becoming sick cuz of carrying on thru everything all the time forever, i realized that it was important for me to feel weak sometimes, cuz sometimes i do not have enough strength to 'carry on' one more minute.

but every time i would talk about feeling weak, i would get the do-gooder push - you're stronger than you think, you've got this, you can do it, don't talk like that, etc, etc, etc.  it made me want to scream!

at any rate, i know i'm one of the strongest people i know, but, yes, it's important to know when we're at a weak point, and just allow it.  will others understand that?  i don't think they want to hear it cuz it scares them.  after all, not being able to stay strong thru life seems to mean ending that life, and they do not want to be anywhere near that.  there is no just being who and how you are at any one moment.  for them, it seems it's all or nothing all the time.

i'm very glad you were able to grab onto this for yourself.  i'm with you all the way.  we are what we are at any given time, but we're the only ones who can moderate, challenge, or change that with any sense of it being in our own best interest.  thanks for speaking about this.  love and hugs

hey, PC, i agree, we really are stronger together, and this is a new year for embracing that. i'm finding more support than i have in ages, and it's a big help to my feelings of stability.  we'll get thru this, no matter what!  love and hugs

 

i think most of us have stayed in relationships of one kind or another too long.  i remember blaming myself for the abuse in my first abusive marriage - i told a friend that it couldn't have happened if i hadn't stayed with him.  we just didn't know what we didn't know, but now we keep knowing a little bit more every day.  to be able to recognize what we did and didn't do, and now to know what we can do, i think speaks mountains to our determination to recover from all of it.

keep going - you're doing great!  love and hugs

DF, i relate a whole lot to the idea of the 'what i used to be able to do' thoughts, and the uncertainty now about how much my system tolerates in reality.  being able to know where a good stopping point is for us can be so nerve-wracking!  i think it's part of the process of getting to know ourselves better in the here and now, our capabilities, our stopping points.  up and down and around and around.

after all that, tho, i do think you're doing a good job of wading thru all of it and that it'll come easier as you keep practicing.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

chart, i'm sending you a gentle, warm hug to soothe and comfort, a thousand band-aids for the 1000 cuts so they are covered and cared for while they heal, and wrapping you in the softest blanket for warmth and safety.  sitting w/ you while you sip your tea, you're not alone.  listening if you'd like to talk, silent if that works better.  reading to you from a favorite book. my heart goes out to you.  love and hugs