Messages

thank you for your kind words, armee.  really.

thanks for the hug, hannah1.  and back atcha! 

i'm quite worn out today, had a bunch of stuff i was going to do and just thinking about all of them last nite i knew it was too much.  i have to pick up more thera-flu for my D - she's still congested and coughing and it's interfering w/ her sleep, which isn't good, and she still has a low-grade fever.  i also have a Rx to pick up for myself from a different place.  go to the food bank. and visit w/ my galpal, see her cousin whom i haven't seen for 40 yrs., and who is a staunch political advocate. 

as i was thinking of all this last nite, it washed over me that i can't possibly do it all.  going to my galpal's includes 1/2 of driving one way.  so, i began ticking off things i can put off till sat., and now the only things i'm gonna do is get the medicine and go chat w/ the girls.  plus hair and makeup, which i've only begun doing when i go somewhere, but it's still energy used.

can't wait till tomorrow.  i can rest.  my D is apologizing all over the place for being sick, and she knows she doesn't need to, but she also feels bad that i've had to do all this running around to make sure she's getting what she needs.  i haven't driven this much in a week in so many years, probably the last time was when i took off for mexico.

but birds are singing this morning - that's my music, and one of them is a robin, and i love that. so, i've got a smile on my face in spite of everything.

blueberry, i like the thought of adding something to your everyday rather than restricting something.  something positive seems much more productive to me (regardless of the religious meaning behind the act of self-sacrifice) at this stage of recovery.  in my mind, the powers that be, so to speak, would look kindly on someone adding something healthy to their lives, be it physical, mental, emotional.  just my thoughts, and no blasphemy intended.  love and hugs

knowing your own mind, knowing you - to me, that's huge.  that you've never given it up, hannah1, shows not only the depth of your strength but of your determination to continue being you, being on this earth, taking up the space you're entitled to as one whole person.  even as splintered as you may feel at times, i see a whole hannah1.  i'm so glad you've never given her up.  love and hugs

  so glad you found us, PC, and found what matters most in your life.  i'm glad you're here.  love and hugs

finally feeling better.  wrote to my T about that experience, she said she was grateful i had EMDR training and could bring myself down a bit on my own, and also sent me emergency helpline numbers, i told her i had this place to come to for emergency help.  once again.  i'm so grateful.

thank you armee, for all the hugs and love  and kindness.  i don't know about 'beautiful', at least not in my mind.  it's just that my brain/mind is so full of this crapola that once i get started, things simply start tumbling out.  and then i rely on my T to take care of it, take care of me.  she's still learning about me - trial by fire, methinks.  and, yes, i'd love to hear your thoughts on love.  it's my favorite thing. 

TBB, i want to thank you for your kindness and observances.  they helped a lot.  perhaps you're right about the idea that i didn't have the same kinds of pressure surrounding the cat but i also simply do not usually have access to feelings, good or bad, so it was a surprise to me that the feeling of love showed itself at that particular time.  never felt it like that again, either.

What a brave young mother, doing what mothers do for their children, carrying on.

thank you for this, hannah1.  i never thought of it as being brave, just my responsibility.  they were my responsibility - one husband/father had already left the scene before D1 was born, and i'd been on my own w/ her for a few years already, she was left to me to take care of, so, yeah.  to me, altho i can understand how it may look to others, bravery wasn't even part of the equation.  so it sounds a little weird to my ears.  but thank you for that.

thank you, NK, for your kindness and caring.  funnily enough, D1, one of my most virulent abusers and w/ whom i've been NC for over 10 yrs. is the one who told me she'd felt safe w/ me.  go figger.  and it's people like you on this forum who help me get thru it all.

it seems that my mind is just ready to explode so much of what's been piled up inside at the drop of a hat.  that's how this all came out - my T said something about attachment other than physical, and it just poured out of me, already processing, already reacting w/ long-held emotions, thoughts, feeling.  seems that's how it's working for me nowadays.  it's rough, there's no control, and there's no knowing at the time what saying anything is going to mean to me, my mind in a few hours.  stir the pot, the pressure cooker unwinds and blows its lid.
 

Strategy for managing my self-hatred:  Find one little useful thing I can cope with doing, no matter how small, and do it.  Then if I can, find another little useful thing and do it.  Then if I can, another.  Etc.  If at any time I start feeling like I can't cope with whatever I'm doing, STOP.  Find something else to do, or rest.  When possible, go see the river.

sounds like a solid strategy to me.  and, yeah, sometimes being w/ nature is one of the greatest healing devices ever concocted.  glad you have a river to go to.  love and hugs

i echo everyone's thoughts, hannah1.  falling out w/ your therapist can be so painful, can make us question ourselves to the nth degree.  i do believe conflict, boundaries, etc. are on the path to being our very own selves, but i also know it takes practice.  i think the more we believe in ourselves as people, the more we are comfortable with that notion, the easier it gets.  maybe not to the point where we enjoy confrontation/boundary setting, but at least to the point where we know it's important for reclaiming our 'selves' and we do it for that reason.

we're here w/ you.  love and hugs

dear blueberry, it seems that you are coming to grips w/ a lot of things you're noticing from before.  i know that 'should is never good for me' has been your mantra for ever so long, and i totally agree w/ it, including for myself.  it always has a ring of guilt around it, and too often that's how we were taught to behave - out of guilt rather than out of a personal want.  our own 'person' was overridden by guilt/shame time and again.  hard to get out from under that one, but i think you're doing a really good job on it.  keep up the good work, ok?  love and hugs

i can respond for you, blueberry, if that's ok.  yes, of course, it's worth it to not be in the 'job market' in order to avoid being sick for so long so many times a year.  My D is going thru something similar which is why she's trying to get disability benefits.  she, too, knows it would benefit her health-wise to not have to worry about timelines, work pressure, appeasing clients all the while she's consistently too tired to function at peak level and feels bad most days.  yes, of course, it's worth it, for you as well as her. 

sending love and a hug filled with 'yes, of course'. maybe, eventually, you'll be able to say it as well.

and congrats to you, blueberry, for starting.  that's the first step for everything, isn't it?  i like the idea of 'activating'.  it's not a passive word at all, and i think that speaks to a change in mindset somehow.  best to you - one step at a time, ok?  love and hugs

NK, i'm so sorry all this FOO stuff keeps messing w/ your head, keeps pulling you back in.  i hear your struggles, and i do believe you're making progress for the mere fact that you are now questioning their actions and your own reactions.  i think that's a great step, and you will move forward from there.  so, well done!

one sentence that bothered me was this: 

I stupidly set mine up as the recovery number.

i do hope that eventually you can stop calling my friend NK 'stupid'.  i think what you did was part of your response in the moment in the midst of FOO mindset.  we aren't stupid, we are self-protective in whatever form that takes. 

all my support during this time.  love and hugs

thank you all.  too tender for replies atm.

i just need to put this here first, been thinking about it for hours already, have been grieving, feeling shame - rather new for me, and i don't like it, don't like to admit it - but my T asked how i was w/ my children, told her that i held both babies on my hip all the time till they were 2, she mentioned, ok, that's physical attachment, and i admitted, cuz it just came out, that i never felt joy for having my babies, never felt that rubbing of my big belly that i see women do all the time, never felt love for my babies (once, when in mex., my hub and i had a cat, and it was sitting in my lap, purring as i was petting it, and it came into my mind that i felt love for that cat, and then right afterward the realization that i never felt that same love for my babies.  i was so confused.  i told her that i loved my children fiercely, would kill for them, but did not feel the love, the joy, so i guess i had no real attachment for them, either, altho my D1 once told me that that was the safest she ever felt was when i was holding her on my lap.

and i cried tonite, grieved my lack of feelings.  my babies were my responsibility, were a chore for me, and i saw the look in my T's eye, that meant something when i said that, but i don't know what, and we ran out of time, so i don't know.  but tonite i was so upset about admitting all that and i began crying and crying that i didn't have the capacity to love my babies, and what a shame that was, and i feel ashamed even tho i know in my head that i just didn't have it in me, but still . .  .what a frickin' shame it all was.  not to be able feel love for one's own children when they were what i lived for?  how does that make sense?  i don't know, am just typing as fast as i can to get this out here, get this down, i weep for myself, for the deprivation my babies experienced because of me.  and i'm crying agin just thinking about it when i've been writing about my own deprivation all week and here i did it to my own.  please, god, i wish i could've given them what i didn't get, but maybe that's why, cuz i didn't get that feeling from my folks, how could i pas it along?  how awfu for them, i know they must've felt it, i know D1 felt it for sure, and there's nothing i can do now except grieve and grieve and cry my eyes out for what i couldn't do, what i didn't do and i'm so very sorry

lovin' my hair - such fun!  so girly, too, which is what i'm going for right now.  the last man i was with, i asked him if he thought i was feminine.  he said, 'well, you're no princess'.  it's been a long time since i've had makeup on, futzed w/ my hair, painted my nails.  too sick, too beat, too worn out, near death at times - so much drainage on my will and stamina that i couldn't get around to who i was anymore.  i guess i'm reclaiming her.  and for you youngsters out there, let me say, it's never too late!

o my heart!  i just heard the first robin of the year!  haven't seen one yet, which is always a big deal, kind of like the first snowfall of the winter.  but the first robin brings tidings of spring and it's such a glorious song it sings.  i'm smiling so big right now, can't wait to tell my D when she wakes up.

therapy today.  let's see how this new adventure goes. 

you know, NK, maybe i am a Luddite after all!  reading what you wrote about them, i could very easily have been one of them, raging against the machine, if you will.  i understand the idea of progress, and, especially in the medical and mental health fields it's been miraculous on some levels.  and i can see AI as being able to be helpful to those who need it, especially for helping the disabled, but for myself i avoid it as much as possible.  as far as smart phones go, no, i don't have one, don't need one.  i've gotten by most of my life w/out this type of technology, and i don't plan to start now.

for one thing, i do not have the brain power to understand, put those pieces together of what means what, etc., and why.  i see all the hazards of this 'new and improved' technology, and it saddens me no end.  so, if i am one, i'll wear that label with pride.  it doesn't take away from who i am, to my mind.  i'm sorry, tho, that sometimes i'm a pain in the patoot about needing help w/ some of it!  but, there it is. 

as far as what you're going thru, i totally understand how one more thing could feel like it's taking you to the breaking point.  that's not fair on you.  i wish it could be easier for you, i truly do.  you've been dealing w/ so much for so long, these horrible games being played on you, around you, involving you - so awful, so much.  i hope your parents can settle down now into their own routine and leave you out of it as much as possible.  love and hugs