Messages

honestly, you people are the best!

PC, the idea of 'eyes open' made so much sense for me, and i do believe that is true.  the rest of what you wrote, about we each having different personalities, also hit home.  i think parents can't help treating each kid differently - you helped open my eyes to that.  thank you for all your wisdom and support.

thank you, SH, for sharing your sib experience.  i think my eyes are opening a bit more about how parents treat kids differently - i guess they really can't help but do that.  i know i did w/ my 2 girls, but some of that was circumstantial - the older had a lot of illness both physical and mental that demanded attention, so the younger was kinda left out of my time and energy in many ways.  however, those differences can happen in a lot of perception, perspective, time of life kind of ways.

for example, my B was the only boy, born later in life, babied to death, so to speak, while my sister and i just weren't.  at any rate, i so appreciate what you wrote, your take on this.  it helped a lot. 

chart, you brought a smile to my heart!  i do hope you find your stuffed animal, the one who fits with you and for you.  i swear, i never 'got it' before, cuz i'd never had one.  being someone else each time we go thru a realization reminds me of something 'alice' said (i have this above my desk) - 'i can't go back to yesterday, because i was a different person then'.   yep, so true.  and i totally understand the 'absorbing' bit.  have done a lot of that throughout life, on so many levels.  we really do live and learn, don't we. thank you so much for your encouragement and support.   

busy day today, so i'll just go.  but some good stuff w/ my galpal yesterday, and just being accepted by someone.  it was so very good, but quite unsettling the entire day!

hi lina24,

i have put myself on the back burner for many, many years, also feeling insignificant and that everyone else's needs were more important than mine.  thru the years of working at recovering from such beliefs, and with the support of others here, i've come to realize that the idea of being selfish was a manipulation used by others on us to get what they wanted from us. 

having no regard for others, their wants and needs, is, to my mind, a selfish way to look at the world.  however, that is very clearly not your state of mind, or you wouldn't be thinking about the others where you work.  the other side of this is self-care, which is very important.  without it, we end up not being able to do anything, not for ourselves and not for others, either.

so, in my mind, for these types of situations, where self-care is what leads to eventually healing, being able to be out there again for others, i've separated the word 'selfish' into 2 words - self and ish, or self-ish.  being aware of our 'self' and what it needs, and taking care of that 'self' is crucial.  without being self-ish, we hurt ourselves further by ignoring 'self' and what it needs to be able to perform at its peak ability. 

in your situation, you're running the risk of hurting yourself to the point where you wouldn't be able to be there for your office mates at all if your injury gets worse.  if you take the time and care for it properly, it will get better, sooner, and you can go back to your job cleanly and with enthusiasm.  besides, pain wreaks havoc w/in our brain, and we can't function as well as usual.

so, those are my thoughts on it, what i've learned over the years of dealing w/ similar issues.  i hope you can realize how very important you are in this world, and even to your colleagues at work.  i do believe they'd want you to take care of yourself, be self-ish in this matter.  i know i do.   

bach, you sound like you're in a pretty neg. place right now.  talking about parents, why we have strong emotions about them can have a tremendously neg. effect on our psyche, i think. i don't especially want to dredge up those emotions, nor the events/people who they're related to.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best as possible.  love and hugs

thanks, PC, for your enthusiasm about my little bison.  it's almost embarrassing to me, at my age, to put so much meaning into something like a stuffed animal.  feeling very vulnerable about that so i appreciate your support.  i guess i've put that incident and what it meant to me so far to the back of my anything that feeling all this about it is new and uncomfortable.  but it's real, and it deserves to be owned.  thank you for helping me with that. 

talked w/ my bro yesterday about some family stuff.  he has such a different attitude about being raised by our parents than i do.  he's 9 years younger than me, and from what he's told me, had a different set of parents than i did in how he was treated, etc.  also, he has a very different attitude about things that happened to him, what we weren't given or taught about being out in the world by ourselves.  part of it might be a guy vs. gal perspective, i don't know.  i do know that i'll stop talking to him about any of it.  he either ignores, or says - i just made the best of it, and it's fine.

it made me doubt myself somewhat, made me feel a little like i'm making too much of this, why can't i have his attitude about yeah, i was sad about it at the time, but it worked out ok.  the therapist in me believes he has some major issues, but he denies having anything bothering him at all.  maybe i'm totally off track, looking for stuff that isn't there.  maybe, i don't know.  it's unsettling thinking about it now, writing about it.  did stuff really not bother him or is he just good at denial or maybe i'm just looking for dragons where there are none.  whatever, i think it's time to put that all aside and let it be.

D.a.g., i share the idea at sitting here, thinking of what went on, knowing i survived it - there were some close calls. but, yeah, we're here and getting older, seeing things from a different perspective.  sometimes that's what it takes - and well done, you, for being able to see some of those things, know now they were wrong.  keep going, ok? but in your own time, at your own pace.  you're the most important. love and hugs

your beginnings of self-love sound wonderful, PC.  i'm all for it. we may have been fragmented by others, but i do believe we are the ones who can put ourselves back together.  it may take a while, be piecemeal, spits and starts, but it sounds like you're doing it, and that's what counts.  keep going, ok?  love and hugs

sending much care and comfort as you travel this difficult path, bach.  these realizations can be difficult, but i agree they come to us to be listened to, and their revelations can be priceless.  love and hugs

PC, i totally get the 'times it's safer to drive' thing!  where i live, it seems most accidents happen at intersections, so those are the places, especially in the afternoon when work's getting out, i'm more cautious than ever before.  and more scared.  and, yep, i have those fears you mentioned as well.  driving, especially on the road, so to speak, was my 'safe' place, and that's taken away now.  it doesn't leave us w/ a lot, does it.

i hate that we have to go thru this. fyi.

as far as what's trauma based and what's natural, i'm not sure either.  maybe they're intermixed for us now. my ex had terrible road rage, and i know there are others out there like that, for no reason except what was in his mind and how he perceived some perfectly normal (to me) lane-changing or whatever.  he took it completely personally, like they were doing it to him on purpose to make a fool out of him or something.  so, yeah, i think some of it is mixed.  my reflexes aren't as quick as they used to be, so i'm going to make some inadvertent mistakes once in a while, but how those might be perceived by others?  well, who knows?  fingers crossed and prayers flyin', for the most part.

we'll figure it out, or it won't really be worth figuring out, and we'll just do the best we can with what we've got.  or so i want to believe.  love and hugs

hey, D.A.G, i get it about the therapist thing - i don't have one right now for the same reasons. so, we do what we can with what we have.  thanks for sharing, for not hiding - as i've come to believe, we've taken on the shame for others, that they're the ones who deserve to feel ashamed.  whatever happened to us, it is not on us.  we didn't do it, it was done to us, no matter the circumstances.  their fault, their shame, guilt, all of it.  i think it's ok to let them have what's rightfully theirs, so we don't have to carry it around anymore.

not that it's easy to do that.  no, it's not.  it takes practice, mistakes, learning, more practice.  just know you're not alone in this.  we're all practicing together.  i'm smiling now at that notion - it's nice to feel the extra energy.  i hope you get to feel it as well.  sending love and a gentle hug for all you're going thru, even w/ scrambled egg brain.

hi, dark.art.girl.

i believe you are healing for the most part, altho some of it may feel like you're just holding on.  i totally relate to the idea of triggers being everywhere at any time - i've thought of it as tho the present is now tainted in so many ways and on so many levels by the past that i can't get around them.  they're there, they grab me, the feelings come again.  no, you're not alone in this.

it sounds like you've gotten to a deeper part of all this perhaps? i'm very sorry you're going thru it at all, altho i'm very glad for you that your partner is there by your side, not letting go.  do you have a therapist?  i think this may be something to speak to them about, work on resolving these issues so the triggers fade.  it's rough, tho, when no matter what you do, where you go, something reaches out and sends you spiraling.

i do hope you find justice and closure.  best to you with this.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

i agree, PC, that with age the feeling of empowerment lessens.  we aren't as strong as we used to be, i know i'm not mentally as quick as before in sorting things out, coming up w/ viable solutions, not as quick on my feet - i couldn't outrun a baby anymore.  as someone once said, growing older is not for  . . . well, everyone, i guess, yet it's inevitable that we grow older so we have to make adjustments, including adjusting to the facts that we're not the way we used to be.  it's tough stuff, for sure.

driving has been a rough one for me.  i used to drive across the country by myself to visit another country, take weekend trips on my own to other parts of my country, enjoyed the freedom of being on the road alone, and had no cares or worries about what might happen.  that is not my truth anymore.  there are a few places around town i feel ok in driving to and from, but otherwise anxiety grips me.  what was is no more in so many ways. 

like i've said before to others - hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone is this.  love and hugs

i agree with blueberry, bach.  hang tough, ok?  we're hangin' right beside you.  you're not alone in this.  i found many relatable thoughts in what you wrote.  sending love and a big hug filled w/ care and comfort.

i agree, NK, about the prolonged nature of this beast.  when i think about how i was as a child, what i endured, then put decades of relationship abuse from all sides - family, child, friends, therapists, husbands, doctors, etc. - all those layers, well, at this time in my life i'm quite sure i won't get thru them all, but i just want to live somewhat ok from day to day.  and, no, i barely made it to this point, can't imagine (well, yes i can) what would've happened if it had been sprung on me all at once.  thank you so for your support. 

my D gave me a little stuffed bison (my spirit animal) for my birthday.  i've never had one as a child, altho i did have a doll i adored which got me to sleep every night until one night she was gone, disappeared, and i made up a story about how the fairly kind took her cuz he needed her.  many decades later i asked my mom if she remembered that doll, she said she did, threw it away cuz it was yucky.  and that's how my mom dealt w/ stuff i was attached to - just disappeared them. that happened more than once.

i've gotten a few over the years, but just put them on a shelf or something, until this one.  the past couple nights i've discovered that i can gather him in, hold onto him, and he's comforting to me, and i can fall asleep during the nite pretty quickly and easily.  will wonders never cease.  i've only done this twice w/o realizing what was happening, so i do want to do more of this.  i never got it before.  at one point in my life, after hub 1 left, i did sleep w/ our 2 big dogs on the bed, and i slept quite easily then, too.  it's a safety thing, and a cuddling thing, and a touch thing for me.  the best sleep i ever had was w/ a guy who cocooned me, just wrapped me all the way up. hmmm . . .

i wrote to our senator yesterday about losing our food stamps.  i just want this madness to stop.

i've also discovered something i've been utilizing the past few nites re: my D1 and ex.  they're the main reasons i can't fall back asleep.  in my mind, i've pictured them standing there, told them to sit on the sidelines, they can talk to each other but not to me, can't interfere w/ me, and i give them 5 or 10 min. during the day, let all the thoughts come at me.  visualization, indeed!  thanks, blueberry.

thanks so much, chart.  i think so, too, that c-ptsd is more devastating than we might have ever thought, no matter what its source.  also, as i get to know about myself more intimately, i'm finding new ways that this is true, how it affects me in an everyday way.  i don't know if it's cuz of age, cuz my brain doesn't work quite the same way, or what might be at the root of it, but new symptoms pop up that i have to now cope with - such as i'm finding that if i have something personal to tell or something distressing, i can't find the words i want.  so frustrating.  anyway, i appreciate your insights a lot. 

thank you, DF, for checking in and validating me in my struggles.  i really appreciate it. 

just feeling dragged out today.  this stuff takes a lot out of me, i guess. the colors of the trees right now are so beautiful. i'm kind of amazed at how detached i've been from myself.  so unaware.  this awareness that i keep piling on takes its toll, tho.  like a big hand that covers my face and pushes me down and i can picture my arms and legs thrashing around under it.

DF, i hope it goes well and you get what you want/need from this retreat.  see you when you get back!  love and hugs