Messages

hannah1, thanks for your support.  so, you think it's big enough to be a chasm?  hmmm, will have to think on that.  so very glad you've found ways to get taken care of.  wonderful- it truly is different than doing it all yourself. 

blueberry, thanks for the 'grr' on my behalf.  loved it!  i agree, i wouldn't have gone looking for a T is i didn't think i needed one.  it's been too much of a struggle for too long.  i want that extra level of help only a T can give.

TBB, thank you for that support.  much appreciated.

thinking about this whole 'need' thing, maybe i don't 'need' help - no, i do.  i was thinking maybe it's just a 'want' type of thing, but no.  i can feel the struggle going on inside me, and how much it's lessened lately.  that tells me something valuable, something i need to pay attention to for my own best welfare.

i believe this T got scared after i told her of my terrible aftermath from the 'attachment' statements.  she mentioned she wasn't sure she could help me, and was afraid of causing such a neg. reaction in me again, and that's when she said ('cause i've referenced this forum so much) that maybe this place is enough.  i really do think she was scared of doing harm - i don't believe she's worked w/ c-ptsd before, at least not to any great length - and certainly not w/ someone w/ alexithymia.  it's a lot. but she's also not pushing me to go places i'm not ready for, and i'm grateful for that.

at any rate, we'll see.

i realized that the idea of wanting someone to take care of me must come from not having that feeling from a very young age, and i want to ask my T about that, see if there's anything we can do to mend that.  it feels like a rift in my being.  on the one hand i've taken care of myself my entire life, getting very little in the way of support or healthy/helpful encouragement from my folks or, later on, from significant others in my life.  i've done some remarkable things, some of which are very adult, yet that statement came out and i could feel myself regressed as i said it to her. 

so, i'm guessing there needs some mending to be done.  a rift.  the more i play w/ that word for this, the more it feels right.  a tear in my personality.  no, i can't picture a chasm, that's too big for this.  a rift feels right.

holey schmoley, hannah1, soooo much!  congrats to you for either beginning things, finishing things, or having a direction to go to for more things to do.  very impressive!  best to you with all of this.  i think it's amazing!  love and hugs

hey, PC, i'm glad for the shift as well.  simply a better sense of being, more energy somehow, i don't know, but i wrote about feeling that shift a week or so ago in my journal.  maybe it's a shared something that's hit us all at the same time.  maybe it's as you say a deflection of the chaos that is the world today.  maybe we've had so much of our own stuff to deal w/ that the rest of it is overload so we've just decided to power down for a bit.  maybe it's simply a shift w/in us cuz we have been working hard at this and we are now reaping the fruits of our efforts.  i don't know, but i like it.

since i was 15, suicide has always seemed like a problem solver to me, something to either make my parents sit up and acknowledge me or just, like you say, to get out from under the overwhelm, the great amounts of pain we've carried for so long that we just can't bear anymore, rather than simply a wish to die.  i'm glad you've had that turned around for you.

NK, a side note - i've also heard those reports, read about the kids that died because of them.  it may be that age difference, an interpretation by an unformed mind, that causes those kids to get something different out of their AI chats than what PC has gotten.  i don't know, just guessing, but i'm leery of kids and the internet to begin with, and this just adds another highly elevated level to that.  my opinion only.  and a pretty biased one at that!

PC, i'm glad for you to find anything that helps, especially when it can change a neg. perspective into something more positive for you.  you so deserve that.  love and hugs

well, i agree w/ you, blueberry, about the debilitating part.  however, even as you mention 'well, you did this and that so you *should* be able to do that and this, i know there's really no connection there.  just cuz we manage one thing doesn't mean we have the will, energy, or mindspace to do something different. just before coming here i did my door stretches, and as i'm writing, i'm wiggling my feet.  lol!  doesn't mean i'll go out and walk today. that wish is flying away from me right now.  we'll see about later.

good luck getting to your cancer screening eventually.  i don't know how important you think it is, or if it's of any interest to you, but i do know even those reasons aren't always enough to motivate us to go do it.  a lot of times those things feel like work to me, and i'm just not up for it.  you've got my support whatever you decide.  love and hugs  

sorry, blueberry, i misunderstood.  it sounds much more intense and difficult than what i was thinking, and i didn't mean in any way to diminish what you were saying or needing to do.

best to you, tho, with getting everything you need unblocked.  i don't like the thought that this conversation is bringing up FOO dynamics.  that's not good for you, for certain.  I do understand the personal need at times to go against someone else's wishes in order to bring order to your own house.  i support you all the way.  love and hugs

thanks for the support and validation, armee.  i think so, too.

NK, i agree w/ the 'good enough', at least for now.  we'll see what's happening a few months down the road.

i did remember eventually - it was about attachment, specifically emotional attachment w/ my babies, since i couldn't feel love.  so, that's been taken care of and thanks to you all, i feel good with it.

my T did mention that maybe this forum is enough for me re: therapy, since it's composed of people who can relate.  while i agree w/ her to an extent, i told her i also needed a professional to help me w/ this stuff, someone to take care of me, to help me get to where i need to go.  self-help can be great at times, but i know that i need more, at least right now.  there are too many issues unchecked, too much anxiety un-dissected, too much confusion as to what direction to go in when i can't feel what i need to feel to show me the way.  too many times i feel like i'm teetering, still struggling to stand upright which leaves me exhausted and i have to cut things short because of it.

we'll see.

hey, bach, i get it about anger being scary, depression feeling safer.  for me, part of the anger fear was the pain i also felt at realizing, knowing, and feeling what had been done to me, what i had to go thru, what it ended up meaning for my life.  lots of pain there, and pain hurts.  so, it makes sense to me that depression is easier to deal w/ - it just doesn't hurt as much.

my thought on 'what good would that do?' as far as feeling the anger is that you'd be releasing a whole lot of neg. energy, something that may be limiting you, holding you back from feeling unstuck.  there may also be grieving to be done, another painful thing.  along w/ your anger, you may be holding onto sadness for yourself, for what you went thru, also painful.  so, lots of pain inside, i'm guessing.  depression can help cover that up, i think. just my thoughts/opinions.

your own pace, your timing is yours, too.  when you're ready.  this doesn't have to be rushed, or according to someone else's schedule. wishing you the best w/ it all.  love and hugs

hannah1, as a mom of grown children, and living w/ one of them, i don't know that they never don't need their mom.  not in the same ways, for sure, as when they were coming up, learning about themselves, who they are, how they fit in this world, in their lives. but, on some level, at some time, there is a change.  isn't our job as parents to teach our kids, help them know they're safe and loved, give them the reassurance they need to be able to explore the world as it keeps getting larger and larger for them?  and then, yes, allowing them to live their lives on their own. you can feel secure in the knowledge you gave them what they needed when they needed it, and as you said, the less you need them to fulfill your life, the easier it is for them to get on w/ their own in the best way possible.

i don't see parenthood as an ending, but rather we simply move to a different chapter in our book of life.  just as they don't need to have us hold their hand as they cross the street anymore, it's a new chapter for them as well.  you've done so well as a mom, and what sounds beautiful to my ears is that you haven't forgotten yourself as a person, which i think is extremely important.  at this stage in life, i think there's more room now for who you are, what you want, how you want it.  you've carried the heaviest part of the load of parenting, and deserve the rest of your time for you as much as you want.

i guess i'm talking to myself a bit here as well.  just my opinions, tho.  if anything doesn't sit w/ you, please ignore.  love and hugs 

i hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible.  love and hugs

PC, i've also only lately been gently cuddled by a sense of relaxation several times.  it always surprises me, but it's very welcome at the same time.  i'm not sure why it's appearing now, but i'll take it.  at the same time, i've become motivated to do more physical things to get my body engaged in something good for it.  activated, as blueberry has mentioned.  that's been feeling good as well.  it may all be tied together, a shift, like you said.  if that's what it is, i'll take it! 

so very glad for you that you're experiencing something positive like this.  we've got this!  these connections, of which you've so often spoken, are real, i believe, and are gathering together around us, holding us up, providing the safety net we never had.  sending love and a hug filled w/ the necessary to keep these connections going.

like many others here, i, too, have many, many incidents in my background of abuse and neglect that might not qualify as traumatic to some, but, yes, the wise words ' if you have symptoms of c-ptsd, it was bad enough', and i questioned it from time to time.  i've gotten better at accepting, but it takes practice sometimes.

as far as 12,000 different troubling events, something i've come to realize is that they often can be huddled under one umbrella or another.  for example, how many times were my feelings dismissed (many preverbal, i imagine)?  each may have its own situation, but they were generally in the same category.  that might take care of a few hundred examples.  and so on.  EMDR can often deal w/ puddles like that of similar instances w/o having to go thru each one individually. 

just a thought.  love and hugs

blueberry, i love the idea of doing some cleaning up in the garden.  the weather for doing that isn't always going to be ideal, whereas, indoor chores have no weather circumstances to worry about.  they'll be there, waiting, but good weather won't necessarily be so.  isn't there a phrase 'make hay while the sun shines'? 

as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.  it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps.  nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again.  love and hugs

thanks, armee.  your theory is very interesting, especially the idea that when the emotion might be too strong, it could be overpowering, in which case it does not show itself.  a different take than anything i've read, but not without merit.  when i think back to the time i rolled/flipped my van, as i was heading off the freeway after having hit black ice and knowing there is no stopping or control available in such a situation, i felt no fear.  i imagine most people would have been panicked, screaming, tensed up, something other than sitting back, relaxed, took my feet off the pedals, and kept my hands loosely on the steering wheel just to keep the van from overly curving, and saying in my mind 'here we go', which is what i did.   

i was knocked out for a while when hit in the head by the tv coming loose from its moorings, and had a concussion for about 2 months, but i walked away from it.  the van itself flipped over, and landed back on its tires and facing the opposite direction.  so, it must've been quite a ride, but i wasn't aware, and i never felt afraid. that would certainly fit with your model of emotions keeping to themselves in times when they might be overpowering.  thanks so much for this, armee. 

therapy was stressful.  she was extremely apologetic (something new for me w/ a T) and worried about whether she was the right T for me at all, cuz she didn't want to cause such a terrible response in me in the future.  i told her that's why my stuff needs to be in very tiny doses, cuz my mind takes what's said, and in its new state of now being able to explode w/ emotion at times, can be overwhelming to the point (this past time) of thinking of SH.

so, we went back and forth a few times - does she think i'm too much for her?  did she want to stop?  was i able to stay w/ her regardless of what happened?  in the end, we agreed to continue working together, probably mostly w/ me talking about my life experiences.  she thought i wanted to be heard, which i have to agree with.  i don't know how a T could work w/ me w/o knowing much of what's gone on w/ me.

since she works mainly w/ people who have become disabled, i don't know how much history or past trauma reporting is necessary.  i think her forte is mostly ptsd from accidents, injuries, illnesses and the like.  but, honestly, some of the other T's i talked w/, as soon as they heard 'dissociation' from me went right to the whole 'parts' idea, and i know i'm not ready for that.  so, this may be the way to go for now.

just to add a little more to this thread - my previous T told me she believed emotional/mental wounds were more difficult to heal than the physical wounds.  she mentioned the idea that physical abuse is something that can be seen, while the other is unseen.  how many times during my life have i read articles about the difference in having physical health issues treated while mental/emotional  health issues are overlooked, pooh-pooh'ed, dismissed, minimized and on and on.

yay for science, indeed!  when i first joined this forum and read some of the horrible physical abuse of some people, i absolutely wondered if what i went thru could be counted as trauma inducing.  the more info coming out and being made public about the effects of mental/emotional/psychological abuse, the easier it is to know i 'belong' here.

when i wrote about traumatization by therapists on the EMDR forum i belonged to at the time, one therapist questioned this, asking if these people weren't experiencing something in a session that was 'very upsetting' (her words) rather than traumatic, as if such a feeling didn't constitute the makings of trauma.  this was back in 2018. some very courageous and generous people from this forum allowed me to present examples from their own experience in therapy to the EMDR forum. after reading these, one of the therapists there thanked me for presenting this to them, saying it was a real 'eye opener'.

getting the word out about what constitutes trauma-inducing behavior has been a long, difficult task. but, dang it, we're doing it, and it's beginning to come to light how far-reaching the trauma field really is.  there's a reason for dissociation, for EF's, for DID, anxiety, etc., and it's not just cuz we feel like doing such things for fun. we don't 'hang on' to memories cuz we like the way they make us feel.  i'm just so glad there is more research going on about the far-reaching effects of trauma, the seriousness of the 'hidden' wounds and how they can take hold of us inside our very bodies and minds to the most minute parts that make us human, including trauma thru the generations.

this trauma beast is the biggest, ugliest thing i've ever encountered, and i'm so glad to be alive to see it being given the respect it deserves, has always deserved.  love and hugs to everyone here - we deserve some kindness and serious consideration for what we've gone thru, what we continue to go thru.