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how awful for you.  love and hugs

o rainy, that's too bad about the student.  their understanding of such things is so limited. very sorry that happened. 

i hope you continue w/ your boundary setting, and that it does not upend neg. stuff toward you.  love and hugs

thank you armee and rainy.  she's got 2 appts. next week, one is for more tests, one is to discuss surgery or other options.  ugh!

i think you said plenty.  not a surprise to me, rainy, that you had a rough nite. 

good luck w/ the field trip - i don't blame you for wanting to bail if that student doesn't go.  he was your main purpose for going yourself.  love and hugs

hope, i am SO happy to hear that your night terrors have given you a break lately!  yay!

the progress you have made so far is remarkable, especially since you are doing it on your own.  allowing yourself to feel your feelings, not numbing yourself immediately, putting EFT into your daily routine - well done! progress, a lot of progress. love and hugs

thanks, NK, for the encouragement and the support

well, my D's biopsy is pos., and she's looking into surgery to have it cut out.  she's got to wait to talk to someone about the best options, etc., so now all we do is wait.  i called my galpal to tell her, and that's when the tears started. not good.

your vacuum cleaner is genius, armee!  i just shook my head in wonder at your cleverness - such a gift to me. thank you so.

i drove yesterday to my galpal's house, a 20-min. drive.  it's in the area where my D's doc appt. was, and i drove us home from that, so i knew i could do it.  needed my xanax for it, tho.  still anxious beforehand.  but, it went well, altho i had a headache after due to the tension on the way home.  first time i've driven in real traffic in over 20 years, and saw 2 accidents at intersections on the way home.  none of which were me, so yay! (didn't look like anyone got hurt either, so another yay!)

will be seeing my cousin today, first time in over 40 yrs. - she and i used to be best friends.  it'll be interesting.  she's a loving catholic, quite 'clean' in her language and such, and when i spoke w/ her on the phone last week, i inadvertently let out an f-bomb after realizing i messed up the date we were sposed to get together.  ooops!  but, after i apologized, she said she didn't use such words, but it wasn't something she hadn't heard.  we'll see how this goes.

i know a lot of people don't believe in intergenerational trauma, rainy, and would probably scoff at the idea, but i believe it's real and can be devastating in ways we might not grasp.  it's huge, to my mind.

congratulations on the field trip invite!   it just shows how important you and your presence are to those kids.  i hope it's wonderful for both you and the kids.

sending love and a big basket to hold those compliments and nice things people say about you until they no longer hurt or you feel uncomfortable with them.

thank you armee, hope, and NK, for the well wishes.  we should hear tomorrow or thurs. at the latest.  fingers crossed, prayers flying.

my chest just tightened up.  i wrote in my other journal that i think i have more processing to do, this time on hub#1.  he's been by the wayside for most of this time, these past 5 yrs. due to the narcs i've been dealing w/.  he was very verbally and emotionally abusive, and i've kind of shoved that under the rug.  but it leaked out w/ all the other dirt under there this morning.  i just don't want to do this anymore!

on my way w/ my D to the doc - she has to have a biopsy and is very upset.  i am by osmosis, altho i really don't think it's anything more than a cyst. back to the xanax . . .

phoebes, i'd love to accommodate you, but i don't have the ability to do that.  but, thanks for asking!

today is a clean-up day.  gotta clean myself, clean the dishes, clean the living room cuz my SIL is coming over so we can go thru and arrange some extra medical benefits for ourselves.  ugh!  bureaucracy (dang, i had to look that word up! couldn't remember how to spell it!).

gonna make my fav potato salad using 2/3 cauliflower instead of all potatoes.  it's a lot of work, but one of my fav things to eat.  i always feel like i'm doing something really good for myself w/ it.

dang, i guess it's just a day of doing stuff.  i guess i must feel ok.  sometimes i don't even know that except by what i'm doing/not doing.

i read in another journal about intrusive/racing thoughts.  i still have those at times, and they're the worst, especially in the middle of the night.  something i've been doing which has helped keep them at bay has been reading a 'fun' book, both before i go to sleep, and if i'm having trouble getting back to sleep.  i know it's probably just a band-aid solution, but honestly, i don't have the energy to get back into 'working' on this crapola right now. just did a little mind scan on that last sentence, and, nope, no energy for it.

ugh!  don't have the money for therapy, either, to try to take care of that stuff.  so, i guess i'll do the best i can do, which is run away.

speaking of which, this is my third day w/ no xanax.  i think i may finally be ok to not take it anymore, altho i have plenty left to be able to use if i need it.  i guess i'm kinda proud of myself - no cigs, no meds.  if it were someone else, i'd be saying that it's a big deal.  just feels run of the mill for me.  why is that?  do i think i'm better than others?  or just that i have higher expectations for myself than others?  yep, i think that's it.  part of growing up traumatized about not being allowed to be an 'average' student, which translated to not being allowed to be 'average' anything.

eventually i'll work on that one.  i hate it.

 

i hear you, aphotic.  serve and protect - altho it's a cop slogan, it applies to many of us.  we learned to do this quite well.  love and hugs

i hear you on those racing thoughts in the middle of the night, rainy.  they suck!  love and hugs

it is cute, armee!  thanks.

cousin lunch is postponed cuz i mixed things up.  drat!  looking forward to seeing her.

i like my haircut, especially the first day.  will have to figure some things out for the days after, but it'll do.  i've had my hair so many different ways over the years, have never been satisfied w/ keeping it the same.  kinda like my life, i guess.