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thank you everyone for everything - the well wishes, sitting w/ me, big hugs - all of it.  doc today, so we'll see.

thank you, DF, for your care and validation.  yes, exactly     it makes me wonder how much more i can take. 

it's been a helluva week, and i'm still recovering. visualizing the top of my head having to come off in order to let out the brick of whatever was in there really struck me this morning.  this is not a life.  my galpal asked me how often i felt ok, i told her about 25% of the time, and she was kinda flabbergasted.  i asked my last T if she'd ever heard me say i felt great, she admitted she hadn't, which was 5 yrs.  worth of work.  i am just hanging on, trying to save my sanity.  that's all i can do anymore.

thank you for the hugs and care, DF and NK.  so appreciated.     

the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri.  it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions.  they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming.  several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation.  i stopped the zoloft now.  the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.

you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't.  to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me.  i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about,  ugh and a half!!!

and then trying to find a therapist.  another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying.  they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything.  when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.

after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint,  this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first.  well, no one else told me that,  i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem.  and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!

it was all too much.  i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime.  seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel.  what a freakin' mess! 

thank you, all of you.  more later.  i'm not in a good place today, had a run-in about therapy, trying to find a T, got lied to, went all frazzled, and i'm completely worn out today.  love you all - you're the best.

so very glad to see you here, blueberry.  you sound comfy and cozy and just right.  thank you so for your suggestion to come here.  it, too, was just right. 

DF, thank you for that.  it brought a smile to my heart.  i'm glad you're here, too.

yeah, chart, thanks.  it was a good night of rest and much appreciated.

i had a bad turn 2 nites ago - wrote about it in my other journal.  thank god this forum is here - once again, it helped me not do something bad to myself.  i wonder if all those good feelings about the beatles, that time in my life, kind of overwhelmed my brain, like too many endorphins or something, and my brain blew its tires out, left my mind flying on its own thru the air, nothing solid holding it together, but absolutely full to bursting. all i wanted to do was relieve the pressure.  it was so awful.  i haven't felt like doing something like that in a very long time - at least, not to that extent.  it was terrifying.

feeling better today.  thanks to one of the dearest people here, i was able to calm down, go to the porch and relax for a bit.  i'm forever grateful to her.

    good to see you!  love and hugs

TBB, thank you for joining me.  so glad you found this place. there is a big porch off the big house that faces the beach and water, w/ chairs and blankets, a fire on the beach, waves lapping.  there's this cabin, a veggie garden for those who like to putter there, a tree house - whatever you want.  this cabin is in the woods on a lake for fishing, and it really is magic.  i slept in my rocker last nite - it felt safer than my bed. glad you find this place comforting.

chart, i love that you love to do that stuff!  there's always plenty to do (or not), so have at it!  thanks for being here.  love it.

i'm very shaky this morning, so will be staying here for a bit.  i just can't believe this happened.

i'm here, having a very rough nite.  blueberry assured me that my good feelings i've been having the past few nites will no longer overwhelm me while i'm here.  i want to sit in my rocking chair in the log cabin, fire going, good book, knitted throw over me, bixby the bison by my side.  wow, it's like i went back to a very good time at 16, enjoyed it all over again, laughing, smiling, whoopin' and hollerin' watching my beatles do their thing, but it was like i was suddenly thrust into reality. 

the portion of the anthology that was on was when they began getting into drugs, being stoned all the time, top of the world, got scared cuz they were picked up by the police in manila - just hearing them talk about being so paranoid suddenly when everything before was unicorns and rainbows, riding high, enjoying themselves, making music, and then their reality hit, that they didn't quite have the world at their fingertips, they had rules to follow as well, and their choices could take them into some heavy trouble. 

somehow it was the end of an age of innocence.  and i came down just as hard.  it was so pristine and fun and frolic before that.  and i was thrust back into my real world, too.  i need to rest for a few days here.  good books - steven king's 7 book series about the Dark Tower right now.  not scary, but mystical at times.  i'm on book 2.  i'll stay here, i think, until i finish it.  this was too scary for me tonite.  thank god this place is here, and thank you blueberry for being there for me.

thanks so much, blueberry.  it's being a great trip going thru all that again.  good timing, too. i'm smiling   

thank you chart and DF.  i really flew back into my life for those paragraphs!  that was a pretty good feeling all by itself.    

no anxiety last nite, and i slept all nite, got close to 8 hrs.  feel pretty good this morning.  and that's a weird feeling, but i'll make do!  lol!

it is indeed unfair, DF.  no truer words ever said.  we've been left w/ all the clutter and damage to manage amid working at having a life at the same time.  i can totally relate to wanting it to stop.  *sigh*.  i'm glad you didn't give up - i'm glad you're here.  one day at a time, right?  or one hour, one minute sometimes.  we're surrounding you with support and care.  love and hugs 

i could only read parts of it, but it helped me understand how the ailments of my body were not necessarily of my own making.   

thanks, chart.

anxiety crept in last nite.  we'll see if that was a one off, or if i need to do more EMDR.  it wasn't as intense, but i was up for 2 hrs. in the middle of the night, so that wasn't fun. 

my D's book is uploaded today to amazon, so that's finally finished.  yay!  some of the stress coming off that roller coaster may be showing its face right now.  yesterday i did nothing but play computer games all day, then watched some of the Beatles Anthology. 

that was one of the very best times of my life.  stayed overnite at the airport when they came here, went to their concert, screamed thru the whole thing, ran thru the streets afterwards, hoarse for 24 hrs.  even watching some of thier performances last nite i let out involuntary yells of sheer joy? nostalgia? a mix of everything wonderful?  whatever it was, i was instantly flashed back to that concert, that feeling of unbridled freedom ripping all my repressed self to shreds.  it was truly life-changing for me.  it opened me up to possibilities of what i might do, what i wanted to do, what i didn't want to do anymore. 

i was 16 when they came to town, and a few months later the stones came and i went to their concert ($2.50/ticket!), the place they played was so empty we were able to move up to about the 13th row to watch mick strut his stuff - never saw anyone do anything like that before! - and before i knew it, i was standing on my seat (which was unheard of), bouncing up and down, yelling, expelling all the repression i grew up with.  the stones put the seal on me having to follow all the rules all the time after that.

as i've told my D, the beatles were more than a band for me, they literally broke the chains that my folks had me wrapped up in all my life.  that, by itself, was life-changing.  then, the stones sealed the deal, and i couldn't look back.  it didn't happen all at once (much like recovery), but each idea leaned on the one before.  the next year i went away to college, and that was my first taste of freedom.  and i ran with it.  eventually it led to me driving across the country to so. calif. w/ my sis and 2 girlfriends, which introduced me to mexico, where i went so often i made friends of several guys who lived there, which set the stage for me having a place to run to when i was going mad.

none of my life might've happened if i hadn't seen the beatles on ed sullivan.

  right beside you with lots of love and support.