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i don't know what happened - had a whole big reply to what you wrote, lost it, i think, but then it turned up in some zombie way and i can't figure out how to fix it.  at any rate, it's all fascinating. o, here it is.

well, chart, that's a lot of info, and i'm sure i didn't 'get' all of it.  i do understand that we cannot learn healthy relationship patterns when we're in the midst of an unhealthy relationship. even when we're trying to make sense of what's going on, such as the brain predicting safety in an unsafe environment, and therefore failing via prediction error, it's gonna mess up our minds, our perspectives, even our perceptions of what's wrong w/ this picture.  i think we often answer that last question with 'me - i'm wrong'.  it takes us a long time to realize the reality of a dangerous/unhealthy relationship cuz for the most part, as we were growing up, those were the only kind we were exposed to.  hard to recognize a complete stranger.

interesting stuff.  and i see our brains and minds as 2 different entities.  i think of our brains as the processors, and our minds as the holding areas.  the brain does all the electrical work of connecting, adjusting, recording, while the mind then holds onto it all in the best way it can.  i think that's why we say 'i'm losing my mind!' cuz we're losing the info which was stored there. 

as far as traumatic incidents, i think the brain records them, but because of the trauma involved in the experience, they get stuck/frozen in the brain as such, so when the mind goes to hold the experience, it ends up holding the original version and its impact on us (physically, emotionally, mentally).  that's why there's no getting away from it with talk therapy unless something like emdr, progressive counting, flash technique, or any of the others that actually help the brain to 'unfreeze' the image and its resounding original effects, put it into a more reasonable perception, and diminish it so the mind isn't holding onto the original effects of the trauma anymore and can instead hold a true reality of what the trauma was about.

whew - i overworked my brain there, i think!  anyway, all this stuff is fascinating to me.  thanks for posting this - it really got me going this morning.  and, no, i didn't use chat gp, or whatever - i personally don't like the AI stuff, even tho i know it's taking over.  just like so much else, i'll resist it.  maybe i'm just stubborn that way. love and hugs, chart

thank you so, chart, for the love and care you send me.  it helps so much.

on another note, i read in one of your posts about feeling/not feeling pain and how it may be connected to healing.  it brought up the memory of not too long ago when i finally felt the pain of having my doll disappeared from me by my mother, and how, 70 yrs. later i finally felt the pain of it.  and awful it was, too,  several days of it.   it may just be, tho, as you suggested, that w/o feeling that pain, it simply stayed inside, causing a ruckus w/ my innards in some way, maybe down to a cellular level.  now i've felt it, it's come out of me, even tho the feeling of it caused major stress responses, i do think there may be a healing element to it.  thank you for bringing that up.

finally had a good night's sleep. i think i'll be able to continue writing on my third myth and magic book - i've got 2 done, and this whole writing thing is feeling like the third iteration of my life.  hairdresser, therapist, now author.  besides, of course, wives and mother along the way, college, trade school, work, while the rest were happening.  i guess i've had a pretty busy life.  a great life, actually.

and coping, struggling, confused - all that went along w/ the c-ptsd, learning about that, about myself in relations to it, the other issues that have caused me pain, anxiety, floatiness, following others in order to know where to go and how to be.  bucking the 'norm', battling to be me w/o even knowing who i am.  weird by wonderful in some ways.  lots of adventures, lots of stories, a life fully lived.  a belief system no one else can quite follow, even i can't follow it sometimes.  people afraid of me cuz i'm spontaneous and unpredictable.  can't be controlled, i guess, as someone once told me.

just some reflecting.  sometimes it's good for me to look back, see where i've come from, what i've come thru.  i think it's a grounding thing.

still thinking about parts.  some responses to one of my posts mentioned my parts, how they're feeling.  i truly don't know if i have parts, except the gray lady, who is the one who endures whatever situation i'm in that i want to run from but know i have to stay, see it through.  i'm definitely not aware of any part like i've heard so many people talk about here.  i feel rather nebulous most of the time, do things w/o much thought or planning, couldn't ever answer that job application question - where do you see yourself in 5 yrs.?  never had a clue how that could even apply to me. 

i can relate to having inner children, can see them when i look inside.  at least, can connect them to certain incidences throughout my life.  but parts?  nope, can't pinpoint anything like that.  i just don't see them.

PC, i was so moved by all you talked about.  i know about things being taken from me when i was young - they were disappeared and i had to make up fairy stories to explain it to myself because not to do so  . . . well, my little mind could not fathom or cope w/ such a reality. 

yeah, using illness as an excuse to be non-productive, as if we need one.  we have all the excuse we ever need, no, not excuse, reason, we have a verifiable reason to take time for ourselves, read, play on the computer, read, watch tv, whatever it is that helps calm and soothe those frayed and fragile nerves.  they were ravished in the worst way, and thank the stars you have been able to now know that.

this isn't on you, never was, never will be.  the people who did this are the ones who deserve the shame, blame, guilt, all the bad gunk we carry ourselves on their behalf.  what you deserve is peace, comfort, love, and caring, all the things you didn't get but have always deserved.  i have no doubt that 8% is a testament to you taking care of you the way you've always needed, and w/o an excuse.  it's just because that's what is best and healthiest for you.  standing by you thru it all.  love and hugs

thank you so, TBB.  i appreciate all the healing sent my way.  i just need to rest off the stress of last week.   

hannah1, i forgot to thank you for your validating words - haven't been thinking straight, foggy brain and all.  thanks for the extra hope coming my way - much appreciated.  i think i've been thru this ordeal enough times to know i want a T who wants to take care of me, not the other way around, and i'm no longer afraid to say so.  i was, very much so, in the past, but it's been a long road and a lot of practice w/ much encouragement from people like you to get me to where i am.  thank you so.   

hangin' in.  cutting way back this weekend.

chart, your thanks are profoundly and gently received because a lot of us know how very difficult it is to take in the good stuff.  we know, with bells on, how to take in the bad - lots of practice with that.  here, amazingly enough, there are a bunch of honest, caring people who, as far as i've known, do not lie when they give out compliments.  for me, it's been part of the reprogramming, getting pos. stuff over and over until it finally finds its way to sinking in, even if only an inch at first, but eventually all the way to the heart, cells, and soul. 

we wouldn't say these things if we didn't mean it.  with our experiences, we know what pos., healthy parenting looks like, and i, for one, absolutely want to celebrate it.  you deserve it, chart.  i hope you can begin taking it in as real.  this is what we all wish we had.  love and hugs

thank you, DF - i could feel your presence as i read what you wrote - very warm and soothing.

still feeling crappy, had like fever sweats last nite, so shower and sheets changed this morning.  can't wait for this to run its course.  again.

hey, DF, i'm on the cusp, and i can see how that played out as i look back on my life, how it still plays out at times.    good luck when you see the psych.  and well done talking to the doc and getting that all straightened out for yourself. 

keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs

aaaah, grief.  i don't doubt that a lot of us have a lot of grief that needs to come up and out, so i'm glad for you, hope, that you're noticing some of yours.  we have lost so much over our lifetimes, on so many different levels.  i know i still have tons of grief somewhere inside, but i don't know that i have the time left anymore to get at it.  still, i can appreciate when others tap into it.  you're doing so well, hope.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

i'm suffering from stress flu today, it came on yesterday, so i don't have much energy, but i do want to thank DF, TBB, NK, and HannahOne for your cheering me on, giving me all that support, and letting me know this is what 'being heard' means, which any trauma T should already know and practice.

    so glad for you!  love and hugs

 

and for frank - 

mindful can be a healing thing.  love and hugs

  i echo everything NK said.  it can be so disheartening to not be able to predict, to ride the wave at a high only to be crashed in the next minute w/o knowing how or why.  love and hugs

dang, blue sky, i hate those anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere, no triggers to just grab onto.  i deal w/ those on a reg. basis before bed, so i know there's something there but i haven't quite pinpointed it yet.  i also have those surprise types that knock me upside the head, so to speak.

i had that similar message from my F that 'average' was not good enough, not in my grades nor in how i lived my life.  striving to live up to the expectation of perfection is not only impossible, but exhausting.  i strive to be average now, but even that can be tricky.  i think 'pass' is a good thing to strive for, and congrats on achieving that!

sending an extra hug to your self, if that's ok.  and some love.  glad you're here.

thanks, SO.  i looked it up, lots of different translations, but i get it.  jetzt geht's los indeed!  thank you so much for all your support!

TBB and DF - you both made me smile.  thanks so much for your encouragement and support.      

well, i sent it - it was rather short, to the point, but i ended by saying that all the distress and the neg. feelings that came up didn't seem compatible with a healthy therapeutic relationship, so i'm terminating ours and cancelling the appt. next week.

she wrote back that she was sorry i had so much distress, and hoped i could find someone who will be helpful.

so, that's #2 now that i've spoken w/ and rejected.  first was that labelling guy a few weeks ago.  i think i got complacent cuz my former T i met and we got on right from the go and were together 5 yrs., 2x/week, and nary a problem.  this feels kind of grueling, but i know i need it - even if i don't want to!

TBB, thank you for all your insight and support.  it means a lot.  when i mentioned being sensitive, i think it came from a place of having neg. experiences w/ too many other T's, including the first one, an NPD T who damaged me badly, so i'm now quite sensitive to what i expect from a T towards me. it's actually trauma trigger stuff.  i also appreciate your validation for my feelings. 

So, i've been thinking about what to write.  my first draft was full of venom, wanting to point out everything i thought she did wrong.  the next draft was toned down quite a bit, but it felt good to get that crapola out of me in the first one. a few more feelings have since been recognized, including feeling unsafe.  that's not a good one to have starting out w/ a T. 

i'm probably going to send the email this morning to her.  it'll be quite short - oooh, another feeling showed itself - disappointment.  very disappointed this didn't work out and that she couldn't let go of her IFS agenda even for one session.  my body is speaking to me like crazy now, feelings of fear, frustration, and something else are all making themselves known.  didn't know i had so much of this going on inside me!  but, it's a step forward to recognize them, know they're there.

TBB, you mentioned something about 'this hurt'.  this is the second time in just a couple of weeks, it seems, where someone brought up the idea of feeling hurt by something that happened or was said.  honestly, both then, and when i read this the other day, the idea of being hurt never came into my picture.  never felt it.  thanks for pointing this out.  it's helpful for me to recognize, even when i don't feel it.