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thanks, hope.  as a matter of fact, i finished the big load yesterday, now all that's left is a quick read-through for small errors.  the book gets uploaded tomorrow, so we're good to go.  whew!  big relief

going for my ultrasound in a couple hours.  i know the procedure should be no big deal, but i hate it all the same.  plus, the anticipation of the results.  ugh.  my gut is clenching at the thought!

   i think it's always a plus when we can connect w/ someone who can make us laugh!  love and hugs

hey, silveris,

i carry sad around with me all the time. have been w/ it since i was very young, and when i grew older, several people, out of nowhere - strangers- have remarked to me about how sad i look.  over the years i've come to realize that i'm very sad for what i didn't get in my life that i needed, very sad i had few resources re: insight, very said i was treated the way i was and everything i've had to carry because of that.  i, too, am triggered by similar small things, and will burst into tears at what seems like the smallest provocation.

yeah, just full to overflowing w/ sad.  i think it's just stored up because i wasn't able to express it before.  so now it leaks out everywhere.  you're not alone w/ this.  good luck w/ EMDR - i hope it opens you up for you in the gentlest, most positive way.  love and hugss

PC, that was great advice, to trust my heart.  thank you for that.  she's going thru a rough time w/ someone right now, so i know this is not a good time to say anything about my concerns.  i appreciate you gilligan example, and i agree w/ it.  one screw-up, one action that is not the 'norm' can label you forever, no matter the true circumstances or how we've evolved.  or, too often in my case, because i followed my own path, which others deemed 'irresponsible', so my entire experience was written off, no matter the reality of what it entailed.  yep, got it!  and thank you very much for your kind words.  today, especially, they were truly appreciated.

still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.

bach, i'm hoping the next time your good feelings will last longer. however, i'm really glad you got to have some, even if only for a little while.  that hope thing is so important, too.  love and hugs

PC, you've reiterated my belief about the body keeping our unexpressed energy.  i've been sure that most of my physical ailments come from storing the energy of emotions i wasn't able to express.  and emotions carry energy.  i can easily jump onto the train of heart attacks may be due to unexpressed heart pain.  all very fascinating, and i'm so glad you're getting closer to healing these pains.  that is wonderful!  love and hugs 

NK, your wombat sounds crazy wonderful!  got a big smile on my face trying to picture it.  i'm a big fan of the out-of-the-way animals.  one of my favorites is the sloth.  if i ever find a stuffed version of one, i'm getting it!  thanks for this and for your care. 

thank you, chart!  seems like we have some fun things in common.  very cool.

the meds and sleep are beginning to come together.  still waking up in the middle of the night, but 2 nights i have been able to go back to sleep for a few hours, so that helps.  plus, the sleep is much deeper, healing, strong, which feels so much better.  what a difference it makes.  thankfully the M.D.'s here can prescribe (or will prescribe) these kinds of meds.  actually, the clonazepam was originally prescribed by a doc cuz restless legs is a medical thing.  but zoloft is an anti-depressant (and my doc said it's also used for anxiety) and the trazadone is both anti-depressant and sedative.  all in all i'm looking to feel a bit more upbeat, which would be good.  i've been living in dark places for quite a while.

my D told me something her F said to her about relationships, saying he wouldn't want to be in more than one at a time - she was asking him about a situation she's curious about - and i know that is not the truth.  during the early part of our marriage, he wanted to go out and explore, be w/ other women, and his reasoning for that was he didn't really have a chance to do that before we got together.  at the time, i entertained the idea of giving him 6 mos. to do that, get it out of his system, but our T at the time said no, so he didn't.

anyway, his words to my D about it are just not true, and i'm wondering if i should approach her about this, ask her if i hear him telling her something that isn't true, does she want to know?  i know he forgets things, but he's also painted himself in the best light possible to other people (i know people here know how that works) throughout his life. so, does anyone think it's a good idea that i say something to her, ask if she wants to know?

before she told me this, she asked if i wanted to hear what he had to say.  i never expected him to tell her what he did.  and i understand that she might say no, and never tell me anything he says anymore, and i'm ok w/ that.  i'd rather not hear it if there are going to be painted pictures of untruths.  on the other hand, she's getting a messed up version of reality from him, and i don't like that that's happening, either.  help!

thanks, SH.

how was your tribal gathering?  hope you got something pos. from it.  love and hugs

right beside you thru the toleration process.  i know it isn't easy, but it sounds like you have a good handle on it.  love and hugs

totally agree!

[quoteBack in the day, it was a point of pride that a person no matter their sex could handle their own fecal matter. Making a living, figuring out life as it went, having the agency of and for themselves.  Did the parental units (joke) provide support?  Yes, but they were more like advisors rather than people who were actively engaged in maintaining childhood dependence. ][/quote]

i don't know what 'day' you're talking about, but back in my day, when i asked my mom to show me how to cook or clean, she told me 'you'll have plenty of time to learn when you get married'.  the assumption was there, my path was already chosen by that society's norms, and my mom gave me no advice on how to generate 'agency' on my own behalf.

i'm not trying to argue with you, SH, just letting you know that i see different perspectives depending on upbringing, timing, parental guidance (or lack thereof), emotional, mental, physical issues, all of which play a part on how a person can get along in life.  our traumas can also push back on us, rendering us quite unable to get along according to others' expectations.  i think that's part of the beauty of diversity - differing viewpoints, ways to see the world, ways to see ourselves. 

i wish all of us had been given everything we needed to get along in the world on our own, be able to take care of ourselves adequately and without help, and enjoy living day to day w/o fear or anxiety. 

and, i just wanted to mention, speaking to your former post, that when i spoke of womens' fear of men, it was not due to propaganda, but due to our personal experiences.  I don't know any woman who i've talked to about this who has not been sexually assaulted physically or verbally in some way, shape, or form without permission, by some man, either known or unknown, in private or in public.   just for myself, it's happened from strangers, husbands, in public, in private, at the workplace when i was 16 from the manager there.  so, no, i wasn't speaking from hearsay, reports, court cases, nothing out in the public that might be considered propaganda.  just from some of us gals chatting on what it's like being a woman.  and we are afraid now.

so, once again, different experiences for different people.  trauma does that.  all the more reason i admire and respect the people on this forum. there are some extremely difficult situations people here have lived thru, that have wounded them in so many ways, some to the point that, like me, are unable to support ourselves, take care of ourselves, be independent like we want to.  i am thankful every day, tho, that my D is here, helping me make it thru life and living.  she is kindness and respect personified, and i learn to be more like that every day.  so, maybe not so much childhood dependence in my case, but adult dependence now.  we're all so different, aren't we?  love and hugs

i hope sunday is something meaningful for you, SH.  love and hugs

thanks, blueberry.  it was a trial, but i got thru it. hopefully, i'll be able to stand up for what i need/want a little better going forward. 

got test results back yesterday.  some stuff is a little high, but it sounds like, in general, i'm doing ok.  nothing that scares me, altho i have the feeling that the doc is gonna try to push some meds for 'pre-diabetes', which is very popular nowadays here.  my D has done a lot of research on that cuz she was having problems w/ it for a while, so she learned a lot, but when she read my results, she started laughing cuz my levels are really not problematic at this point.  i've had high blood sugar forever and never a diabetes diagnosis, so i won't sweat it, but i'll stand firm.  i really don't want to get on the pill bandwagon if it's not absolutely necessary for my life.

i'm such a gritch when it comes to this stuff, like a donkey hunkering down, front legs straight in front of me, i'm not moving kind of thing.  i hate it so very much.  she kept talking about different meds than what i have, to keep an open mind.  i kept telling her it's not that my mind is closed, but that i've already tried so many different meds and they don't go along w/ my system, make me sicker and more miserable.  i hate frickin' arguing w/ doctors, and then they talk down to you, over-explain things like you're 7 or something.  ugh!

anyway, will be picking up my new meds today, so gonna try them all out.  i've had some i've been hoarding, and used them last nite, and my sleep was much better quality, much deeper and more restful, altho it still wasn't long enough, but that may have to come w/ practice.  still, i felt good enough to get out and walk, took a leaf stroll - one of my favorite things is crunching fallen leaves in the fall - and there are various trees w/in our apt. complex, so i walked in between them.  thought of forest bathing, something someone here talked about a couple years ago.  it was very refreshing for my soul. 

it was chilly, tho, so i'll need thicker pants next time.  my legs are still chilled.  but worth it. being able to sleep well makes all the difference.

hey, SH, i think it sucks that you have to watch out for what you say and do for fear of being taken out of context. from a female perspective, i'm sorry men have been painted with a broad brush.  i've had this conversation w/ men, and they've learned that one big difference between us is the idea that when they walk out the door, they're not worried about being violated.  most women do, at least all the ones i've spoken w/.  my gal pal just got herself some pepper spray at 76. i think it's horrible that we've come to this.

i hope your tribal gathering goes well for you.  i've been to several powwows in my life, and they've always been one place i did feel safe and welcomed, even if ignored.  but it always felt warm and natural for me. i wish i could do more of it. so, i hope you can enjoy and feel a part of something wonderful.  love and hugs

D.A.G., no, i wasn't offended.  we don't often hear of a child being the NPD and making life miserable for the parent.  i know she's spread stories about me to many friends, some of whom i've actually met and we got along well, some who wanted to do me bodily harm cuz of what they believed i'd done to her.  so, the belief is already out there that i'm the bad guy, and there's nothing i can do about it except try not to think about it.  ugh!

so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'.  i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe.  i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.

actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again.  if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet.  it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with.  i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known.  i believe i'm between layers right now.

i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you.  love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)