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Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life.  Take a look at these 13 things that mentally strong people don't do so that you too can become mentally stronger.

1. They Don't Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves
Mentally strong people don't sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn't always easy or fair.

So when I'm processing my trauma by relating experiences I'm trying to validate and make sense of in my mind, I'm seen as "feeling sorry for myself". The gaslighting, emotional abuse, toxic, bullying, isolation I've experienced is me not taking responsibility for my role in life.

2. They Don't Give Away Their Power
They don't allow others to control them, and they don't give someone else power over them. They don't say things like, "My boss makes me feel bad," because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

I explained how it would trigger my disability and make it hard for me to process, making it even more difficult to understand LD's asks.

I've asked over and over, we have different communication styles (LD &I), and the strain of trying to comprehend the action items she gives me without necessary context dysregulates me, making it more difficult to do my job.  The strain is having a very adverse effect on my mental and physical health. That, combined with the duties and responsibilities I had outside of supporting LD, those that I did not have a backup for – were making the entire situation completely unsustainable, which I repeatedly told leadership.

I asked ET please can you ask her to stop asking me for things on the weekends and before and after hours, I just need to be able to sleep...I still hadn't fully recovered from surgery.  I'm really past the point of being able to do my job proficiently, I needed to figure out how to take leave, please help me. 

But I guess I was just giving away my power


3. They Don't Shy Away from Change
Mentally strong people don't try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.


4. They Don't Waste Energy on Things They Can't Control
You won't hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

I can't even.

5. They Don't Worry About Pleasing Everyone
Mentally strong people recognize that they don't need to please everyone all the time. They're not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn't make them happy.

Yeah, for sure I can handle that. I just couldn't really handle being retaliated against after I disclosed I was being bullied and I was on the verge of a nervous collapse because I was barely surviving on pure adrenaline.

6. They Don't Fear Taking Calculated Risks
They don't take reckless or foolish risks, but don't mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they're fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

Total mental and physical exhaustion, cognitive issues, insomnia, undernourished and dehydrated do not make the best conditions for making informed decisions

7. They Don't Dwell on the Past
Mentally strong people don't waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they've learned from it.

Actually, dwelling on the past makes me notice all the times my manager conditioned me to go along with the abuse, instead of actually advocating for me. I was just so desperate for help and wanted desperately to believe someone would support me that I didn't notice her planting even more insecurity in me.

8. They Don't Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over
Mentally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don't keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

Again with the take responsibility...I'm trying hard as * to understand why I only attract manipulative and abusive people to my life so I can stop doing that. I'm doing all this core wound, going back to the root of the trauma, etc. because I don't want a repeat of the pattern I've been trapped in - obviously not learning my lesson.

9. They Don't Resent Other People's Success
Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people's success in life. They don't grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

It is extremely heartbreaking for me that I missed out on all the opportunities I dreamed about when I was young. Having a boyfriend, falling in love, getting a house, having a wedding, having a garden, having a life, feeling love, having traditions, and family...I have to let go of those dreams because I'm not even that person anymore, but it still hurts when I see versions of the life I could have had, if only I had experienced the support I needed.

That's why watching Under The Tuscan Sun made me cry so hard...that seems as close to a life as I'm going to get...living vicariously through others as they move on and drift away. 

Now?  Now I just have to finish up projects and make sure I take care of getting all my paperwork in order...I have to accept the life I have and stop grieving the life I won't get to experience.

10. They Don't Give Up After the First Failure
Mentally strong people don't view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

Ok but how many failures until you start to think maybe the universe is trying to tell me something?  Maybe that's why I keep making "the same mistakes" over and over, because I NEED to give up.

11. They Don't Fear Alone Time
Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don't fear silence. They aren't afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive.

Agreed, except when you forget how to have a basic conversation with someone you're standing next to, because you've only been alone with your own thoughts for years.

They enjoy their own company and aren't dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

Never asked for all the time...but something more than 6 times a year might be nice.

12. They Don't Feel the World Owes Them Anything
Mentally strong people don't feel entitled to things in life. They weren't born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

Yes, that is true. I'm not entitled (AKA I don't deserve) friends, family, a social support system, ability to delegate ANY task to another person, someone to take care of me when I can't do it myself anymore, someone to just give me a hug...someone to brainstorm ideas with, someone to practice interviewing....I have to be that for myself for every single aspect of my life. Always have.

13. They Don't Expect Immediate Results
Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don't expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.

Yep, it's taken my entire life and I still haven't gotten anywhere

I'm glad you're here as well San - thank you 


Core wounds, values, hopes, fears, beliefs
The most difficult – core wounds
Primal – psychological injuries. Broken bones that never healed right.
A byproduct of early trauma, abandonment, bullying, neglect, inconsistency, invalidation, gaslighting, abuse.
Core Wound activation is something we feel physically – even though you can talk your way through, your body still feels awful. 

What are your core wounds? being neglected, invisible, no autonomy, no one to care about my opinion, my likes, my preferences, what I might want to do...people always telling me what they think I should do then not wanting to be my friend if I resist that and strive for what I actually want.

How have these wounds affected you in adulthood? People will misinterpret my intentions, not ask for clarity, be lazy in their assumptions of me and not be there for me when I need help.  They tell me how I should act, and that includes keeping my problems to myself and not sharing them, and when I do, it causes them to feel uncomfortable, so they reject me. The affect that the complete and total abandonment when I am in most need of help resulted in my belief that there is something wrong with me on a cellular level and I am from an untouchable caste, a leper and no one will ever love me.

Because of your core wounds, what have you avoided? I've avoided speaking up because when I ask for help, I don't receive it, so I've learned not to try.  I know that speaking up brings attention to myself and then punishment ensues. 

Have your core wounds played a role in the types of relationships you have been in (or are in)? Write about that and reflect on it The only relationships I've been in are with people that sense my vulnerability and realize I have no guile and am trusting and honest and have a great amount of empathy and they enjoy that supply - it makes them feel better about themselves to break me down. Because of my fear of being alone, I have tolerated these breadcrumbs of attention from people who don't care about me, because growing up with such little care I believed that should be enough.

Can you think of ways you can use knowledge of your core wounds to build better boundaries? Choose different relationships? Be more compassionate with yourself? Now that I understand any time I get attached to the belief someone will care about me, that is just hope from my inner child, I can compassionately remind her that the only thing we can depend on is ourselves.  I will be grateful for the interactions I have and remind myself not to expect more from anyone.

Have your core wounds played a role in getting into or getting stuck in a narcissistic relationship? I wouldn't say stuck - I would say that since I never experienced anything different, I know that's not the relationship I want to be in and perhaps the universe is having me learn the lesson of being alone, and surviving without social support is possible. 

people put the responsibility on me for the way what I say makes them feel, instead of taking ownership of it, and expressing it in a healthy, respectful manner – which is what I am doing! To be told I am doing the opposite is extremely triggering.  To be told I'm doing something I wasn't aware of and want to discuss it further and then told no is triggering.

I think what you see as a "need to be understood" I see as a trauma of me being misunderstood. Trying to express something and not having the right words, and attempting to explain myself, but when I ask, "does that make sense, tell me what you heard" I hear back something that....isn't even close to what I mean, because language is limited and messy.

victim - everybody's out to get me, nobody understands me, nobody cares about me or appreciates me, everyone always leaves me.

it's all designed to use you, to get what they want. they have a deep fear of being controlled, so the only way to prevent that is to manipulate you first, but they also aren't stupid. they've studied you, they know your vulnerabilities, they know your triggers and they plan to use them against you, so they will push you and push you just to get a rise out of you. they will lie or accuse or belittle you or bait you into a fight until you explode. why? because it means they can still control you and eventually you'll become so emotionally or physically exhausted that you'll lash out and call them names. you'll yell and curse and they'll sit back and calmly take notes so they can tell everyone exactly what you said or did, and now they can spin the narrative that you're actually the abuser in this relationship. they can use all this stuff to isolate you even further and confuse you and devalue you and tell you that you're lucky that they're still with you because nobody else would tolerate you and if you would simply stop being so terrible they would treat you better and the cycle just goes round and round.

My brother would do this to me, and pit me against my parents and I was so emotional and reactive that I gaslight myself in relationships because of how frequently I'm abandoned and misjudged as a victim.  I don't bother sharing any of my life with anyone, because it's so far removed from anyone's understanding or capacity to be compassionate and understanding.  No one wants to take accountability and treats me like I'm an inconvenience and a burden - I grew up with that story from childhood and in sharing it with you now, I release it, as I don't want it to be my story anymore, yet any time I try to share the labels and lies are still attached to it, invalidating my experience.

they treat you decently for a few days or a week. they breadcrumb you, they give you just enough so you won't leave and this is part of the destructive cycle. they've created such a Barren Wasteland for intimacy and connection that all they have to do is treat you with human decency for one day, and you think wow they're being so nice to me - no it's just that when you have been deprived for so long even the bare minimum feels like love,  that's why you feel so confused all the time. you're confused why they treat you this way. this type of relationship actually feels familiar to you, not because they actually care, they just want to learn information. they want to learn about your vulnerabilities so they can eventually use them against you. they need you to fall in love with them, they need you to attach to them, they need to do whatever they can to move this relationship as fast as they can, for so many of us who are desperate to find our soulmate or someone who sees our value and worth, we fall for it because who doesn't love feeling loved? you'll try to figure out what went wrong and how you can fix this to get things back to the way they were before, but the sad truth is there is no before, it wasn't real.

This is the relationship I had, not seeing any of the signs of how desperate he was not to be alone that I fell into it, because after being an incel for so long, people tell you, be with the one who says yes, be with the one that wants to be with you, that will tolerate how needy you are, how broken you are...I stayed needy and broken because that's the space he kept me in for years, constantly ignoring me then gaslighting me.


someone who defaults to seeing themselves as the problem - because maybe they grew up in a family that reinforced that? if I could just do better, things would be better. if I could just find the right words to say, maybe they wouldn't yell or scream at me. we don't hold them accountable for their toxic behavior and instead we think maybe it's my fault


tend to have a fear that if they stood up for themselves, they would be abandoned - well let's see, in each and every situation where I've advocated for my survival, it's ended up with me being abandoned...so...yeah.

you never heal in the same environment that made you sick.  they will never stop trying to manipulate or control you, you can't win this battle you can't reason with them


confidence and happiness and self-esteem - those are things that that you're supposed to be taught. how to do for yourself if you're not taught that and you're coming from severe neglect and emotional abuse?

I think the thing I'm trying to understand is, in trying to understand something, I explain it to someone else, and I ask, "does that make sense?" and I want the person to tell me what they've heard.  If they repeat it back and it's not what I meant, I understand I didn't explain it well, so I try again.  I have a friend that explained to me...how neurotypical people perceive things and it triggered so much relational trauma that instead of being able to talk about what happened, I want to parse it for information and explain how every line made me feel. 

San - that really helps...thank you.

I'm still going through a lot of the things I've written this past year, and around the time I realized I needed to let go of the idea of having any sort of social support while I processed my trauma I made up these rules and had it backed up by everything I was experiencing and reading.
 I really wish I had someone that could help me with the vocabulary of what I'm experiencing so I could reframe it.


Rule#1 People do not like you when you are not self-sufficient. This includes wanting to/being excited about having a conversation that will allow you to learn something from someone else's perspective.

Rule #2 If you start to get positive feedback from someone, it will be shortly followed by them no longer speaking to you. At ALL times, when someone tells you something that sounds like they want to be your friend, immediately tell yourself the opposite of what they are saying. THIS IS THE TRUTH. There are NO exceptions, People like you more when they sense you don't need them.

Rule #3
Humans, like any other predator, are pack animals. They sense your weakness and you expose your belly to them, you are asking for your guts to be ripped out. You are never going to fit in, so stop exposing your weakness, asking to be loved, love yourself.  Stop trying to make new friends. Just check in with the people who have stood by you, and don't ask them for anything. Just be grateful they still talk to you, while you lick your wounds in isolation.


(From Quora) When you don't need someone, they are invisible. People of low self-esteem have a vibe that is weak and depressing and people can sense it. Most people of good heart will wonder Why the * does this person act so insecure? They themselves think the person is OK, and are sad for the person and wonder why the * they have such low self-esteem...the good-hearted person sees in him goodness that the low self-esteem person does not even see in himself. However, the good-hearted person must evade the person with low self-esteem because he feels repelled by the negative emotions he contaminates him with.

If you think about it, instilling sad feelings in a person is a form of aggression. Yet, because it is not on purpose, unintentional, there is no responsibility taken.  But humans evade this by treating the person of low self esteem accordingly. It is a defense mechanism to protect against the vibe, and maybe even the actions, of a low self esteem person.

Since people of low self-esteem carry a large psychological burden of shame and guilt, they unwittingly contaminate people with these, through their gestures, tone, sayings...all in all, their whole vibe, their whole being. You can feel the guilt just by being near them.

Things turn boring, depressing, serious, tense, immediately upon sensing the vibe of low self-esteem people. This is the vibe they give off, the negative emotions they instill in others. And thus, people, as a defense mechanism, treat them accordingly.

I'm sure ppl will say this is "negative" and "cynical" to me it's just the way the world is. 

I know someone who experienced some similar relational trauma to me and a few months ago I reached out to them and said how I'm struggling to put this program together and I just need a sounding board, maybe listen to what I have so far, see how it sounds from someone with experience similar to mine? Although I was told "sure" and attempted to connect several times, that never happened (nor does it with anyone else I ask that says sure - not just for this, but basically any time I ask for help).  This person sent me something in the mail.  Upon receiving it, I closed my eyes and wished for the best thing I could possibly hope to receive from them, a much anticipated copy of a tarot deck they are working on, and open the gift immediately knowing it's not going to be anything I want or need, but I need to focus on "being grateful you thought of me" and immediately wondering who I can regift it to - so thoughtless and selfish, I know....well I opened it up and it is 366 Daily Affirmations from his publisher (he also gave me one a few years ago, I'm up to May in ripping them off and using them as scrap paper when I need to jot down lists) This year's theme is "I can do it" along with affirmations for forgiveness and self-esteem. 

This hands off approach of shoving toxic positivity axioms at me instead of actually showing up in areas where I need help...I guess only happen on TV.  I tend to gravitate towards shows with good writing, where people in crisis have other people show up for them, letting them know they aren't alone - no matter how troublesome their personality...there are no stories where a woman struggling to get back on her feet loses everything and is rejected at every turn.  Then I read this...


Find Support
If others know about your trauma, chances are they will be offering to help; now is the time to take them up on it. Let your loved ones lighten your load by helping with tasks or providing a supportive ear. You can repay the favor later when you're up to it, and they need something.

I wish I could put into words how reading all this makes me feel...but I have so much other trauma to process, and I feel so behind...working on so many layers all at once while also trying to visualize this end product....all my faith and energy need to go towards creating that, not reading * like "Everyone I meet today has my best interests at heart"  Haha.  Do you think if I went around thinking that in my daily wanderings I'd get through life happier?  Like having a neighbor physically recoil from me the other day has "my best interests at heart?  More like he's feeling (some sort of way) about offering to connect over coffee over a year ago and then realized I was "too much" and decided the easier route was to just awkwardly apologize that he's "been busy"  I don't have time for that....

When I'm processing trauma, I'm not even part of linear time, I have all these journals, and these thoughts and I sit with them and reflect on them and occasionally wish I had someone to share so I could hear their perspective.  All these other labels people put on me is their projected interpretation based on their own life experiences, and the only people I have room for in my life are people willing to understand what works for you may not work for me. 

Even me understanding that makes putting together this program more daunting, because who knows how many people I offended just by pointing out I don't have the same traits as other people who experience trauma differently...but I need my perspective heard, if only to have some control over what happened to me to result in me sitting here completely alone, working through my recovery the way I have been.  I want to share it all - even if it only helps one other person. 

Here's what I wrote last year:


I have a disability that is still fairly new, and therefore the information available about it online and in the medical community is still being researched and under debate.  It's not even listed in the DSM yet, and the places it is listed aren't fully accurate - there is a LOT of misinformation.   I've only come to understand it myself after exhaustive research these past few months.

I need to switch gears and start working on the trauma that resulted in me not able to work...so here's this:

There are two types of people in this world.  There are those that have experienced something, and can therefore understand that we are living through a traumatic event that will take time to heal.  This doesn't mean we aren't able to function or "less than". 

There are those type of people where if they haven't personally experienced something, they cannot comprehend what it must like to be feeling x,y.z.  There are those that, even if they haven't personally experienced something, they can still feel compassion and give grace to those experiencing grief, loss, trauma, abuse.  But for those that, they don't have empathy or the willingness to concede there must be ...like there's not another perspective and the only one that counts is theirs.  Classist, the type of people who treat maids, repairmen, servers as servants. 
To all the people out there that still cause the fear, anxiety, that are triggered, and need to work through a horrific, life altering situation, unwillingness, inability to provide support even when the employee expressly what it is they need help with.  She tends to make her subordinates that she is unapproachable, as she is not open to seeing other people's perspectives.  Even if it would benefit the company and increase engagement.

I love my job, I'm not trying to make waves or get anyone in trouble, I have been having to navigate this without the support of my direct supervisor, this needs to be brought to someone's attention, because the other admins and I have felt...


Thank you for the hugs and kind words Hope and San 

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and didn't hit post...

The tasks I need to do - I feel like a scared child.  I say things like, "I'm not smart enough to be able to figure this out on my own". Because I'm NOT.  No one human is expected to do everything in isolation without outside help, yet that is what everyone seems to expect, has always seemed to expect. 

Let's take the one task I focused on - getting my laptop fixed.  For most people, it's no big deal, for me, it's tied to so much grief and not being capable.  My battery was expanding, and my entire existence is tied to this laptop.  I knew I needed to get it fixed and when I looked up online, all I saw was HOW to fix it myself.  Everyone says, "you can do anything, just watch a youtube video" I won't know what to do if I take apart my laptop, take out the battery, put in the new one and it DOESN'T turn back on.  I even had one individual (virtually) ask if I needed him to "walk me through it"  People look at me as helpless, unable to just "do something". They view me from a place of judgement, based on their own support system and finances and just assume I should be able to do the same, without compassion for me, shaking their head with a "victim" mentality.  Finally, a friend suggested a store I had completely forgotten about that he was pretty sure would do it for me - for $50. 

I grieved about the multiple people I knew in IT who would have helped me with this in 10 minutes - but none of them are my friends anymore. I grieved, still not understanding why every time I ask for help it results in the loss of a friend - or maybe those people were never my friends to begin with - or maybe does everyone see me as the kind of helpless, negative person who doesn't know how to solve her own problems. 

You ask, "what is one thought that could help you reframe the way you see these tasks?' 

The only way I see them is I'm avoiding them because it means I've failed.  I have to take responsibility that I've spent my life with the false belief I can depend on other people, that I will be accepted, that someone will share the burden with me, that I'm not all in this alone.  That's for other people.  People who have resources, people who have support.  I make people feel bad when they are around me, so of course no one wants to be around me. They view my fear of the potential of losing what little I have (scarcity mindset) with disgust, they look down on me, tell me I have no self esteem, I have no confidence, or I'd be able to tackle something simple as replacing a battery in a laptop. 

That if THEY went to their manager, and reported being bullied, they would have been protected, but I'm just so unlikeable that it's easier to just get rid of me, because I'm "making problems"  I probably brought it on myself. 

Looking at getting my battery fixed (once I was pointed in the right direction from an outside source that just confirmed I need to talk to OTHER people to better reframe my perspective/locate other resources outside the echo chamber of my own mind) as a goal, I did the steps necessary to complete this task. 

I went to the store in question and confirmed they could actually repair it.  I purchased the battery (all the time, not fully confident I was purchasing the correct one).  I made an appointment, I took it there and in even telling them the help I needed, I started to tear up. I did not feel good in my body.  Even when they gave me my laptop back, I was still filled with so much grief over all I had lost that caused me to need to pay $80 what would have only cost $30 if I had a friend, one friend who had an aptitude for IT. And I don't. And that's ok, but what do I have an aptitude in, aside from feeling I can't do anything and I'm not smart enough to help myself?  I just wanted to cry. I have wanted to cry all week, and felt I couldn't really get down to the deep cathartic cry I needed. I wanted to be held, I want to feel supported. I want one kind person to say, I understand this is hard and you're not alone, let's do it together. I've wanted that since I was a child. And here I am twice your age and still not knowing how to do that for myself. 

A major problem I have is that I'm too self aware and I've never really tried to change who I am for someone else.  My parents didn't like me, and I didn't understand why, so I cried.  My teachers didn't like me and the students bullied me and I cried but didn't understand why.  I go through life just putting myself out there and not understanding why I have no one.  I want to be loved.  It has nothing to do with thinking I deserve it. Those two things don't...make sense in my head together. 

What is in my head is "If you knew how to ask open ended questions" "If you only knew how to be engaging and charismatic" "If you sounded like you knew what you were talking about when you talked" "If you weren't so emotional" 

No matter how much I tell myself I'm ok the way I am, I'm obviously not, because I have situations I don't know how to take care of on my own.  I have triggers and insecurities.

I have the limiting belief that most people know that life has ups and downs then they meet me and realize I'm "going through something". They think it's temporary, and that soon things will "turn around for me" only they never do, it's always "what's wrong now?" and there's an endless thing of what is wrong.  The IRS issue, the me not having an income issue, the me worried that I need to pressure myself to "heal faster" so people will not give up on me - but in the end, people get tired of waiting for me to "get better" and they leave.  I think of all the things I don't have - an emergency contact, a person who I can call to pick me up from the side of the road if I have a flat tire, someone to help me change a flat tire - someone to go out for a meal with, someone to call if I have something specific I want to talk about - it's all me. 

I can't see it any other way since this is all I've known.  I've only known one person to ever ask me out and want to be my boyfriend. I'm not "attracted to" men like AJ and C, these are the men that find me.  It's not that other people are interested in me and I reject them. It's them, or nothing. I've had nothing for the majority of my life.  Again, it has nothing to do with loving myself. I love myself enough to do all this work. I love myself enough to take myself to the store and spend the money to get my laptop fixed. I'll keep pushing myself to do the things I'm scared of - but even AFTER I do them, I don't feel any relief or accomplishment or...ANY good feelings I just feel even more loss. 

I don't know how to explain it other than to know my social isolation covers my entire life with a patina that is so far removed from anyone else's experience that they can't conceive it.  I can't even conceive at this point that someone would want to be in a relationship with me, because I have no qualities to offer anyone in a relationship. People keep telling me how vulnerable I am, how strong, how much courage I have to realize I don't want my life to continue the way it has been - but they don't quite see that I'm still lost in it and don't understand how these are qualities that will attract a healthy relationship.

How do I even explain what I don't fully understand? Although I grew up without love or support I did not turn to drugs or maladaptive behaviors.  I also did not grow up to be a perfectionist, or develop an athletic skill or other trait that would make me likeable - I grew up learning how to be invisible, and even that I didn't learn - I grew up being unliked and unwelcome, I learned how to be rejected - I don't know what I do that causes people to feel this way (maybe it's writing long letters like this that just sound "COMPLAINING"?) I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel lost and alone.  I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean in a leaky boat without an oar and someone passes by and says, "well just figure it out".  I feel defeated. 

I don't see a way to reframe my experiences.  The things that happened happened, I can't change them. I know that I know more than my parents did, and they didn't intentionally hurt me, but they didn't do anything to help.  They didn't equip me with the ability to understand how to make friends.

A lot of it is situational - I didn't have a lot of opportunities to even meet people.  Now, when I meet people, I have nothing to offer them.  I'm still empty and needy and I have all the voices in my head from my entire life telling me that it's MY fault I'm like this and I must like being this, because I think I deserve it and I need to learn how to take responsibility for it.

I don't know HOW.  I read stuff about how to raise kids to be resilient, they use this term self-efficacy.  It's an individual's belief in their own capacity to do what it takes to meet their goals.  Telling yourself, "I have what it takes to figure this out and achieve what I set out to do" but I don't. I don't have that at all. I didn't have that when I begged everyone for help last year so I wouldn't lose my job. 

The article says someone who was taught this skill as a child will challenge themselves and put in the effort. If you weren't, you point out your circumstances and lack of talent for your failures - which is what I'm doing, isn't it?

Research shows that kids gain inner efficacy from four sources:

1. The experience of getting things right (I don't have that and yes, I can say I don't have that yet, but I still don't have that - I don't have a successful relationship to remind myself when things are hard and I feel rejected to say, well this individual it's not working for, but look at all the other times it's worked! I don't have, well I got eliminated from this job, but look at the previous experience where I wasn't fired! I don't even have, well I set a boundary and I was respected for it!)

2. Watching others get it right (this leads me to continue to wonder why I haven't been able to figure anything out yet, even though I've been struggling with this for nearly 40 years). 

3. Reminders that they have a history of getting things right (I don't though).

The stories we tell ourselves about the past create our sense of competence about the future. Studies show that people who lean into optimism, have a growth mindset, and believe in themselves often don't have such different past experiences than their pessimistic peers. They just remember successes more vividly than failures.

I don't appreciate how simplistic this is. I don't lean into optimism or pessimism. I try to see things "As Is" without assigning judgment.

4. A sense of calm in their bodies
If children feel stressed, queasy, or anxious when faced with challenges, it can be difficult to perform without taking care of that physiological response first.

Teaching our kids self-soothing practices like mindful breathing will go a long way to help them become competent at whatever they focus on.

How to help kids build inner efficacy
1. Encourage them to try at something they're not immediately good at.

Instead of saying "Practice makes perfect," because we know that's not always true — and we're not actually looking for perfection — remind your child that "Effort makes evolution."

2. Clarify to correct.

Don't just mark mistakes with a red pen and say, "Wrong again, pal." Instead, try restating, rephrasing, changing the question, clarifying directions, and going over previously learned skills.

Even with young children who point to a red apple and say "blue," you can say, "Oh, yes, blueberries are blue, and this is a red apple" instead of just correcting them or saying, "That's not blue, silly."

3. Praise with specificity when it's earned.

When we say "Good job!" it's got be sincere and specific. Tell kids when you recognize their real effort, persistence, creativity, independence, and competence.

You don't have to completely erase "good job" from your vocabulary. Just add a bit more detail, like, "Good job applying that chess opening you just learned."

4. Point out strategy.

This all just seems overwhelming, like asking a kid to be a parent is ridiculous and shouldn't have happened, and I can say, It's not fair! and I didn't deserve it...but it's what happened.  So now what? 

I talked to my therapist and she had a suggestion, but it's still so foreign and hard for me to implement because it involves finding a voice I've never had before.  Ugh.  Here's hoping there's a shift soon.  In the meantime, I'm being as compassionate with myself as I can.

[victim]

Anger wants to say a few things, because we're watching a YouTube video about Best Practices for Anxiety Treatment | Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and right away I knew I was going to have some problems with it, but I keep thinking "open mind" so I'm TRYING.  I'm even taking notes. 

My social isolation has caused me to have ineffective interpersonal skills - I am taking steps to work on that.

I don't have effective current social support - difficulty bearing the weight of everything on their own shoulders.

Challenges and opportunities for growth and learning and not hardships and obstacles

I'm being given language to frame the things I'm struggling with*

But then she starts talking about...irrational fears

survival is not an irrational fear

she says focus on exceptions

I've literally been eliminated from every position I've ever had, there are no exceptions, this is not irrational, this is something that happens to me that is out of my control.

Well now, something happened to you is victim language, quit acting like a victim and do something.

See? How is CBT helpful? I don't see it...it goes on...

...if something is fearsome let's look at the evidence for and against it instead making excuses

Let's break that down, shall we? I've been under/unemployed for the past 15 years.  In survival mode.  Trapped in a pattern.  These are not excuses, this is a fact. 

I get a job and everyone at that job loves me, I become indispensable and then the direct manager, the one in charge of whether or not I get fired doesn't like me, I do everything I can to make them happy, but nothing I do works, and then they find a reason to eliminate my position.  I lose my job. I lose my friends. I have no social support because work took up all of my life and I had no social life because I was just doing everything I could not to get fired, so I'd often work through lunch, or I'd work positions where it was expected you work from your desk, the list goes on and on...this is the only life I KNEW, I've never had an exception to being treated like an asset and not a human.  I was taught from a young age you need to be of service.  But my body and brain started to deteriorate under the strain of bearing the weight of everything on their own shoulders

What did I fear? Being eliminated Is that an irrational fear? Let's see.  Lose your job, lose your income, lose your health insurance. Lose your ability to obtain medication.  Lose your ability to be able to get adequate health care should you get sick. (let's add in a healthy dose of we don't know how bad we're going to react to covid symptoms, because everyone is different) Still irrational? Previous experience tells us it will take us years to find employment again, which means we'll run out of money...to pay our utilities...so we keep the air/heat off...we stop eating....we'll eventually run out of money to pay rent and get evicted. 

Each of these things sounds like catastrophizing, yet all of these things have happened to me, multiples times before.  To the point it became a trauma.  To get my position eliminated meant I would not be able to survive without effective current social support.

But I've been here before. It's a pattern, you see. So I prepared for it, like a domestic violence survivor prepares to escape her abuser. Because that's what I did.  It just took me years to see it as abuse.  Because for years I was told by therapists that I had black and white thinking and irrational fears. 

Let's continue...

social interventions - improve their relationship with their self (which goes with self-esteem) improvement. people are going to feel less anxious about getting their needs and wants met if they know what their needs and wants are. so part of that is becoming mindful cuz a lot
of our clients don't know what they need and want...

I knew what I needed, what I wanted. I asked for it continuously, but no one has ever taught me the successful way to get the help I need. I don't understand how I'm supposed to learn it myself, in isolation - these people take it for granted someone must have taught me by now...I did everything they told me to.

I went to my manager who wrote me up
I reported her to HR who didn't get back to me until after I was eliminated
I was told to call EAP they told me it was a conflict of interest
I talked to attorneys they said my case was too complicated
I made endless calls to organizations and was told they couldn't help
I went to all of my friends and learned they weren't actually my friends

I lost my job, my income, my health insurance, my friends, and the pattern repeated itself down to the people that were a part of my life during previous loops.  So odd and interesting.  Fascinating. 

So this time I study it, like a scientist. I research, I listen to god awful videos that trigger me.  So I can find the vocabulary I need to better advocate for myself, to learn how to build my interpersonal skills up again.  I keep making plans and they keep getting cancelled.  I keep trying to make other plans and then there's weather and illness and busyness and life. 

I keep worrying the things I'm doing to try to "put myself out there" are insanity because I have tried the same thing over and over again and expected different results, but it's all about mindset or something.  And besides, I plan on bringing my journal. So if nothing else, I have taken myself out on a date 


This is the worst:

develop assertiveness skills so they can ask for help when they need it. anxiety - that's the body saying there's a threat, well if there's a threat maybe you need some help dealing with it, people need to be willing and able to ask for help and not feel like that's going to lead them to be rejected.

Why yes, I agree.

The message I receive is that I was rejected because I'm not assertive. That L bullied me because I wasn't assertive.  Dan abused me because I wasn't assertive.  So where exactly am I supposed to learn assertiveness, with NO interpersonal relationships to practice them?

I don't even know what to say...still...about how to explain anything, let alone figure out how to say it with assertiveness.

CBT makes me feel like I'm not taking responsibility and I feel the negative reel kick in when I spend too much time in this space.  Definitely not empowering.

[Let yourself feel.]

One of the hardest things to face when you are a target at work is the fact that none of your coworkers will stand up for you. You may believe that some of these people are actual friends, but find that when the going gets tough, these people have no actual loyalty to you. They would rather look good to others, or steer clear of you in order to remain in with the bullies.

Being in a workplace where you are the target can cause you many symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Its a multiple-whammy; you are devastated emotionally, socially, physically, vocationally, and financially. Unless you've experienced this personally, you have no idea how traumatizing workplace scapegoating can be to a person. Most victims suffer alone because of humiliation and not knowing where to turn for help.

You must find people who love you, validate you, believe in you, and care about you. Talk to the people in your support system write in your journaland allow them your parts to hear your story and offer you comfort.

Just because your coworkers and/or boss want to put you in the bad person box, heaped with shame, you can simply say, No, to their plan, and let it all go. Walk away.

Let yourself feel. Feel the hurt and pain caused by the rejection of your coworkers. Going through your feelings of grief will help you heal. It is very hurtful to be rejected by ones peers and supervisors. Allowing yourself to feel through the pain will help you get to a place of acceptance.

Value yourself. Do not let other peoples toxicity define you. Be determined to praise yourself, honor your gifts and talents; treat yourself with dignity. If you find yourself having negative or derogatory self-talk, stop. Eliminate any inner critics in your head.

The problem is caused by the toxic environment and the toxic people who perpetuate this type of abuse. It helps reinforce the idea that it is not your fault. This is hard to hold onto, when there are so many articles and opinions out there that say that it's my low self worth, lack of self esteem and zero confidence that ALLOWS this behavior.  Along with all of society who insists this is my fault, that I am choosing to be a victim, that I should just get over it, put myself out there, make friends, get a hobby, suck it up. Sigh.


Workplace trauma "can be any psychological injury that affects performance" - I experienced repeated psychological injuries that I reported to both my manager and HR and requested a review of my duties and responsibilities, as I was asking for support in some areas where there were unrealistic expectations of my availability which lead to an allostatic overload. My manager was unequipped to handle such a request and decided the better course of action was to eliminate my position after humiliating me. As such, I decided to take an intentional step back to reprioritize where I was putting my time and energy.

My weakness is that I'm so conditioned to be a caregiver that I've forgotten how to take care of myself. I knew I needed to, but I didn't have the support necessary to fit it in, I was stuck in survival mode.  I learned I needed to implement radical self care by taking an intentional break and focusing 100% on wellbeing.  Learning to put myself first was one of the hardest lessons to learn, and I'm still learning every day. The company that would be a good fit for me would be one that encourages self care - If I'm feeling 100%, I can give 100%.

Workplace trauma can manifest in ways that are ongoing and pervasive. Obsessively checking emails, constantly worrying that you're never enough regardless of work ethic or output, and the perpetual fear of being reprimanded or terminated are often considered par for the course in competitive, fast-paced corporate culture. But in reality, these behaviors could signal that workplace trauma has shaken one's self-assurance and is impacting performance — and when superiors dismiss this as normal it's yet another layer of gaslighting.

Some of the results of psychological trauma can include a loss of a sense of safety, nightmares, intrusive thoughts about work, hypervigilance, fear, sadness, and a sense of isolation and more. The sequelae of betrayal and abuse is not limited to the workplace; these reactions usually are diffused into a person's personal time so that there is little reprieve.

Combine that with me living with an abusive covert narcissist who was gaslighting me constantly, and not having adequate support to navigate the torture...

The double whammy of workplace trauma and lack of protection is what's known as institutional betrayal.

When we are in times of crisis or trauma, we tend to go to those that we align ourselves with for support and protection. When those individuals fail to provide that support and protection, that can create a second injury on top of the first. This betrayal really has a long-term effect on a person's healing.

This occurs when a person's environment repeatedly and intensely communicates that their characteristics, behaviors, or emotional reactions are unacceptable. Many people assume that because invalidation is not a physical attack it is less harmful, but research shows that severe invalidation is as or more harmful than physical violence.

What loneliness does to your body and brain

Human connection is a basic, biological necessity for us.

We need meaningful connections with other people like we need food, water, and oxygen.

Biologically, loneliness is much like hunger or thirst. It's a useful stress response that helps us survive by putting the body on high alert. But it is also a complicated biological process that can create a chain reaction of serious health issues if it's not adequately addressed.

We shift into survival mode.

Loneliness activates the sympathetic nervous system, our body's response to danger and stress.

Loneliness turns up the dial on parts of the brain that are involved in hypervigilance to threats, at the same time as other areas of the brain that are intricately tied to love — which help us feel connected, empathetic, and understood —  are turning off.

Researchers call this the paradox of loneliness. A lonely person's brain perceives other people as less trustworthy and more threatening, which only propels their isolation and anxiety.

The ways a lonely brain changes are dynamic

We can start to better understand the chaos by zeroing in on a few brain chemicals that shift when we're lonely. Levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which typically fluctuate in predictable ways throughout the course of a day, are thrown into disarray.

Lonely people may not even notice all of the interconnected changes they're experiencing as a result of their newfound vulnerability and hypervigilance to social threats.

Over time, chronic loneliness can damage our:   

Sleep schedule: Studies have consistently shown that we get lower-quality, more interrupted sleep when we are lonely, with more subtle micro awakenings through the night. On a subconscious level, this is our lonely body trying to protect us from external threats. But this state of hypervigilance also means we can't fully relax and really rest.

Immune system: Studies show we are at greater risk of getting sick when we are lonely. The lonely body primes itself to combat external threats like infections, which leads to an inflammation response.

Memory: If loneliness goes on long enough, it can have a negative impact on the brain's hippocampus and amygdala, which can contribute to forgetfulness and even cognitive decline and dementia.

Over time, a lack of adequate social connections can increase a person's risk of death as much as smoking — the No. 1 preventable cause of death nationwide.

How can we offset the effects of loneliness?

Combating loneliness involves improving the quality of our connections to others, fostering a sense that we are understood and loved by our tribe.

Our thirst for human connection can't simply be quenched by filling our social "cup" up with a bunch of other people. You can be lonely in a crowd or perfectly content spending some time solo.

From a scientific viewpoint, loneliness is a discrepancy between what you want in a social relationship and what you have. Some people may feel socially satisfied with just one friend in the world. Others may need a different web of social support around them. Everyone's loneliness remedy will look a little different. And experts say the way we structure our society can have a big impact on loneliness.

We need societies that have room for everyone. We need to have societies that create opportunities for everyone to learn, to be with each other, to trust each other, to talk to each other.

It's time to retire therapy speak in 2024, from 'toxic' to 'boundaries'

"unhealthy" — such as a specific behavior being unhealthy for you or your mental health — rather than viewing a full person as toxic.

True gaslighting is part of the abuse cycle, where someone is making a "really intentional effort of controlling and manipulating the other person by denying their reality and making them think they're crazy," D definitely truly gaslit me, and made me question my sanity as he consistently rewrote the narrative of every experience we were having to create an unstable environment.

Be honest about why you're hurt, without necessarily assuming someone's motives.

Use "emotionally immature" to describe a person's lack of empathy and hold them accountable (not quite sure how to hold people accountable).

set expectations with the people in your life. "It's more of a conversation, not so much on boundaries, but 'What do we expect from one another?' - I feel I do that, but it still goes wrong, because OTHER people aren't good at verbalizing HOW they feel until they realize they don't feel good (in hindsight) and are uncomfortable about hurting me, so they'd rather just avoid me until I get the hint. These are EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE people and not worth my energy


there's a fine line between trauma and "just normal, terrible human experiences of which there are many and that don't dysregulate you to the degree that real trauma would."

Similarly, being "triggered" in a clinical sense means you're experiencing a fight-or-flight trauma response, she said. But if someone's mean to you or you're going through something difficult, it can just mean you're dealing with uncomfortable emotions.

start using words like "activated" — in reference to the nervous system being activated in a trauma response — instead of "triggered"

many symptoms also overlap, making it easy to be misdiagnosed. Apparent autism or ADHD symptoms could actually be related to trauma and a chaotic and unhealthy household.

[Other people's perception of you ain't none of your business.]

Every day, I read one Blissful Knowing Inner Guidance Card. I read one affirmation card from Louise Hay's deck (that P gave me), One page from Each Day a New Beginning - Daily Meditation for Women, a page from Instant Health and Happiness Boosters (a toxic positivity gift from L) and a few pages from Notes from The Universe.  I write myself a love letter. 


Then I focus on the tabs I have opened in my browser. I take notes of things that resonate with me. Today's notes:

Toxic Relationship RECOVERY!

...all of the manipulation tactics and mind-games he played ...that I quickly became so psychologically distraught.

I felt worse and worse. I couldn't think straight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I had no motivation or energy. I was anxious, depressed, frustrated, confused, and replaying everything that had happened over and over in my mind like a broken record, constantly mulching things over, doubting myself and trying to put the pieces of this unsolvable puzzle together.

I reached out to all my friends, acquaintances, people that had told me they loved me, they were my family...and discovered none of them had the capacity to show up for me in a way that showed their actions aligned with their words. On top of trying to recover from abuse in my relationships and at work, I was also healing from a lifetime of abandonment wounds, and not having a memory of knowing how to depend on anyone else for assistance, just memories of this...breaking down and not knowing how I'm going to survive.

I hit a breaking point. There were a lot of stressors hitting me all at once, but beyond this I'd realized that I had created my whole life around my fears and insecurities. And I just knew that I couldn't go on living like this.

This breakdown was a huge turning point in my life as it led me onto a deep, intensive healing journey. I learned that self-worth, confidence, and happiness can't be found in someone or some "thing". No matter how much money you make, how many degrees you get, or who you marry, or where you live you can't be happy or maintain healthy relationships when you're operating on survival mode, buried under a thick layer of insecurities and defense mechanisms. and for $300, I can learn what took her 20 years to figure out.


YouTube Shorts:

How to deal with toxic and emotionally abusive parents - My suggestion is to write out all the ways they've done blame, shame, guilt - You're making me this way, you're making me miserable, you don't care about me, and flip it. Instead of You, it's I. I don't care about me, I'm to blame for my misery, you see? What it is, is you're showing what's actually going on inside your parent (or anyone abusing you). They're talking to themselves and projecting it onto you. Turn every you statement, every manipulative statement where they tried to say you were the problem and you'll see.

How to change your personality - The main thing you need to focus on, instead of trying to fix your life, fix the way that you interpret and draw conclusions from life events. The real tragedy of life is that we spend a lot of energy trying to fix things that involve other people, which means fundamentally, they're not completely but at least partially out of our control and then what we end up doing is that we ignore all of the conclusions that we draw about ourselves. We don't think about it, we don't work on it, we don't craft the conclusions that we have about ourselves. Those things develop automatically and then they determine our personality. Once they determine our personality, then they'll determine the way that literally interactions get interpreted by your brain. They'll determine your emotional reactions to situations, they'll control the way you behave. So if you want to forge a different destiny, you need to become a different person. The good news is that's actually possible.

People's opinions of you don't matter - I took an English class, I failed. My teacher said in front of the entire class, "you have to be the weakest writer I've ever met in my entire life." That same year, my speech teacher said (after giving me a D-) "I recommend you never speak in public, that you get a desk job." Other people's perception of you ain't none of your business. Everything you've ever been through, set through, rose through, cried through, prayed through - everything is a setup for your next best season.



Healing Trauma in a Toxic Culture - in a way you have a kind of psychological autoimmune illness,  when we divide ourselves eternally when we make that terrible choice between authenticity or attachment, and we we choose attachment which is the seemingly sensible choice but it's the problematic one long term - at the time we give up our authenticity we divide ourselves we exile parts of ourselves out and then including potentially anger and or we get angry at parts of ourselves that we exile that's the kind of mental autoimmune illness. we're biopsychosocial creatures - our biology can't be separated from our psychology or from our social relationships, shaping those social relationships of forces way beyond individual control. 

Allostatic load became too great for me to continue functioning from survival mode.  Nature wants you to be yourself, be true to yourself, more than it wants you to survive. When we've lost connection to ourselves because of trauma (not because we've chosen it) dis-ease often comes along.  through dealing with the illness they become truly themselves for the first time in their lives. 

before you say something, ask yourself - is it true, is it kind, is it necessary? and these are what the sufi call the three gates of speech, so if you can meet all those pass all those three aids then say it. seeing ourselves clearly, seeing the environment clearly and coming to terms with the things that have happened to us and the real impacts that those things have had over time in terms of our behavior, our lives, our relationship with ourselves our relationship with other people. 

Thank you so much for stopping by the other day San 

I absolutely LOVE the idea of you coming over and sitting with me, do you read at all? I've been reading this (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giver_Quartet) with two friends, I'm trying to form an unbook club (have been trying for years). I have missed getting lost in a good book. I've been curled up in my comfy robe, eating my favorite foods, looking out at the snow and having gratitude for the opulence in which I live. I am warm, I am safe, I have so many people in my life that care about me - and to know that you are one of them, I am so blessed.  Thank you my friend.  Please stop by any time for a cup of tea and a chat 

This same situation has been weighing on my mind for a while now.  I was very isolated, and I started to make friends and had some activity partners. One person I enjoyed hanging out with, J and I started playing a game in our phones (due to my boss at the time telling me I needed to) and I was looking at it as a cooperative way to have a social life, but as I started to make friends, I was being excluded and picked on a lot. I didn't understand why. I still don't. I would share something I heard, and not being able to make sense of it, I'd repeat it to others, and I was told that was gossiping. 

It wasn't like a "did you hear so and so did this?" It was more like, "I keep being told x, and I really don't understand the dynamics, I'm just trying to make friends" So x ended up being told and misinterpreted by others as to "what I am doing" and everyone puts all these attributes onto me I just don't have.

I had plans to hang out with R one day, but J was having a party, he was just going to flake on her, I said I was going to at least stop by, so I did, and she was upset with me when I was leaving, I don't know why, I SAID I was only stopping by, so she still included R (who bailed and flaked and was a no show) but since I showed up, it changed the dynamic of our friendship, and she stopped inviting me places, the more popular she got, and everyone was sure to let me know there were things happening but I was being excluded and I still can't figure out why.

It's a dynamic that often happens with groups, and I'm just the one that doesn't fit in.

If I keep walking around with this cloud over my head of not fitting in and being the sore thumb, or whatever, how am I supposed to "let all that go"?

[That's my trauma.]

Some parts work and venting that may belong in a different journal, but oh well, it's here now...

What I wish you knew about me.

When I say I'm neurodivergent, it does not mean I'm autistic.  It means I think outside the box.  I am hypervigilant, which means I catch details you may miss.  I have an insane amount of attention to detail, and I will make sure that I have all your logistics aligned to the T, because I have years of practice considering everything that could possibly go wrong and what I can do to avoid it.  I've done it so well, so effortlessly, it took me years to realize that this was a skill, I just took it for granted everyone was like this. 

Much like everyone takes for granted I've had the same lived experience as everyone else.  When I try to get to know someone, and want to explain myself, it is usually so far outside of someone else's lived experience that I have learned to be guarded about what I say, this is called masking.  Other neurodivergent people may have been diagnosed and received support for their differences, since my disability is exacerbated by chronic isolation, although I may understand on a conceptual level how to put social interactions into practice, I have so few opportunities to work on this skill someone is trying to explain to me that I feel as if I have one chance, and if I dare say the wrong thing, then that person will stop speaking to me.  Which is usually why I shut down at parties, there are too many neurotypical social rules that I don't understand. 

And when I don't understand something, my chest tightens.  People cut me off and say, "oh, you just have anxiety". I say, no, that's not it....and I'm told I can no longer do this if I want to be friends, because people feel "corrected" and it shuts down the conversation.


I need to be allowed space to describe what is happening to me. I have been shut down so many times, by medical professionals, by therapists, by friends, by family, by every manager I've ever had, from the one person I thought actually loved me, from my mom, from my dad, from my brother...I can't actually think of one person that has actually listened to me, I feel so alone in this.

"L,can you come over, I just need someone to listen to me attempt to explain how I feel in my own words" Instead she sends me a meme "give yourself permission to feel better now".

How would YOU navigate that situation and salvage the relationship? WHAT relationship? You weren't there when I didn't need you, when I needed you, when I said specifically what you can do to help - you are NOT a friend, and I simply cannot tolerate the breadcrumbs I allowed myself to put up with. Yet it hurts how loved and supported THEY are while I sit home alone.


So let's recap.  Any attempt I make at conversation shuts down the conversation.

What do you mean by that?

Insert any and all attempts at conversation/dating/getting to know someone:

Usually, by the time I get to a level of intimacy where I feel I can share something of myself with a person, it's been a few months. I still have been as careful as I can to be considerate, (people pleasing) and I mention something. I'm in a relationship, and it's my first time I've had a healthy relationship and I could really use a girlfriend to talk about it with, can you hold space for me?

my week has been very bad actually.  Something you said caused me a great amount of relational trauma and I'm still working through it.  Please don't feel bad, that is not my intention, I am not ready to talk, I still need probably a few more days, because it's not you, and I know it's not you, it's the trauma talking, but I'm hoping that we are good enough friends that we can say, hey, I am feeling a sort of way, and I'd like to discuss it because your friendship is important to me.  The way I was feeling was that I had done something to say or upset you, and I wanted to give you space to be heard, because if I said something to upset you, I'd rather you talk to me about it than just stop talking to me. And when I felt like that, you replied, "I don't feel the need to discuss."

That's my trauma.   

Because I have felt that perhaps I was triggering your people pleasing tendencies and my excitement to engage in conversation with D and wanting to share the parts I've figured out about my relationship with C, but I was having such a hard time putting it into words that my relational trauma was triggered. 

I perhaps assumed you were a safe space to share my thoughts with (because you said you were and we even established ground rules and told each other we'd have open and honest communication, but that all goes out the window and you just react, rather than respond, which causes me to react and not respond and now neither one of us are speaking to each other, another relationship gone.

We set expectations at the beginning of our friendship and I thought we understood we could talk to each other about anything, but now I feel like I'm missing something, and it's adding to the relational trauma and snowballing to the point I'm actually jealous of autistic people.  When I try to explain to someone that I'm neurodivergent and they say, "oh autistic" I say, no. I'm not.  Because then you're assuming I am, and inadvertently start using ableist language around me, which is excruciatingly invalidating to hear.  So if I try to insist, please, I need MY experience validated, please just let me explain myself to you, I need to be seen, I need to be heard, I need you to stop making assumptions about me and just listen...people....would rather stop talking to me completely than just sit down and listen, because I use the word "Trauma". 

There is such a stigma around trauma that every single one of my friends has either completely stopped talking to me or distanced themselves from me to the point that I can't even consider them a friend, we've grown apart.  They think of it like, oh god, she's going to share some god-awful thing that happened to her and it'll make me uncomfortable, I won't know what to say, I don't understand your condition enough, I'm not qualified, you should really just talk to a therapist. 

I tell them no, it's not like that, it's really more than I'm socially isolated and I just need conversation, any conversation, anything, just stick me in a family chat, so I can remember!!!!

But they don't, they hedge, they make excuses.
 
It's like I gave you a recipe and I said, wait, I wasn't paying attention when I gave it to you, I actually mixed two different recipes together, let me separate them out for you so you make the right thing and you tell me, that shuts people down, it makes them uncomfortable, they feel "corrected" and I say, I'm not correcting you, I'm....

Imagine, I find out after years of confusion that I'm (insert correct diagnosis) and I want to come out to my friends and they all stop talking to me.  I tell you, hey, I'm going through a really bad time right now, I just came out to all of my friends and they stopped talking to me, I'm grieving a lot, because I felt like these people were family, but they don't want to support me and instead of saying, yes, but you still have me, and I'm family, how can I support you? you tell me that I'm hurting everyone by asking them to listen to me to try to explain my trauma so when I go back to work I can advocate for myself.

Language matters.

You say we talk a lot about my trauma, when we've never once talked about my trauma. I occasionally mention to you things I'm traumatized by, like the fact that none of my friends would hold space for me when I needed support to recover from the abuse I endured during the pandemic.  Most of them havne't talked to me for three years. We grew apart, we weren't even friends anymore, and when we'd talk I'd ask you for advice for things that are currently traumatizing me, but since you have no interest in curiosity in how to talk to Trauma Brain, I'm triggered once again.

And yet trauma brain can't stop asking for other people's advice - WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION TO SALVAGE THE FRIENDSHIP, I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE LOSS/REJECTION.