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This is going to be hard to describe, but I'm wondering if this feels familiar to anyone else. Is this some version of dissociation? I also am learning with my therapist that I might have some symptoms of depersonalization/derealization, but I'm not sure if this is part of it or something different.

It's as if I can't exist in the world as I am and so I find something to attach to in order to exist through it. I cycle through the year with a fairly predictable string of modes of being. It's hard to explain, but it's like I've always got this material around me that is permeable, and only lets very specific information in and out, and it colors or informs how I experience the world. Each mode of being comes with its own aesthetic leanings, and makes me want to eat certain foods, listen to certain music, smell specific scents, read certain books, have certain feelings etc as if I've got a pattern of preset atmospheres that I exist through. It's like a cluster of very curated sensual and mental things that I exist in and through. And these things shift predictably throughout the year. And the repetition of it is I guess a little comforting and grounding, but it's also distressing I've realized, because it creates an artificiality to the way I experience the world, because it's so curated and specific (which maybe feeds the dpdr sensations?) It feels like I'm still experiencing things from inside rather than directly out in the world, if that makes sense.

And even weirder, it feels like whatever created this material and the environments isn't me, but something outside of me, which just took bits and pieces of my self to create these different cluster presets or modes. And these modes are kind of like different vehicles I can use. Like a spirit needs a body, I need these clusters as a thing to attach to and try to experience the world through and have a sense of identity though, even if the experience is very restricted and still separate from the full "real" world or full "real" self. I have no idea if this makes any sense. It's so hard to explain. And I'm sorry this is such a long post. If you got this far, is this something anyone else here experiences? Thanks.

I don't know if this is the right place to put this, but here goes. I've been seeing a therapist for about a year, but only recently started delving into some of the events in my childhood. During my last session I got into more detail about something, and while I believe that getting into these things will ultimately be the right thing to do to help me eventually move forward (I hope!) I'm struggling now with an intense increase in some physical symptoms. The whole day after my session I had a weird, terrible headache, and today, there is a gnawing feeling in my stomach that is hard to ignore. And just, so tired. I just want to hide under a blanket in the dark.  I feel that these sensations are probably connected to me starting to talk about some bad memories of difficult things, but is this normal, and is there anything I can do to help alleviate it? It has felt like despite being aware of how much I'm doing it, I'm clenching the muscles in my stomach and jaw to an unhealthy level. It seems like being aware and actively trying to relax makes no difference. It's like my body is in conspiracy with a part of my mind that is not the main part of my operating system that I have conscious access to or control of. I don't know if that makes sense. I just feel a bit hijacked and definitely am uncomfortable. Could these sensations be telling me something apart from I have a lot of anxiety right now that I'm not controlling well? Any insight into what might help? Thank you 😞

Thank you all so much for the welcoming responses. I do really appreciate it. I'll have to do some figuring out where to post what, but hopefully I won't bungle that up too much. Thank you again for the support and kindness.

Hello. Well, here's my first post on this forum. I randomly found the link to this website in the middle of a book, and felt grateful to stumble upon this. It's hard to know what to say, especially on an introductory post. I guess I'll just say that I had a kind of complicated, confusing, difficult relationship with my parents, and have been in therapy for about a year. I started going for other reasons and only just recently started getting into some of my deeper, more longer lasting issues. I'm currently having a hard time making sense of what was maybe not appropriate behavior from my parents and what was normal. I'm an only child and as my therapist has pointed out, kids don't have a reference for their experiences, it's just what life is like. So I'm hoping to maybe get some feedback here at some point. And it's just nice to know there's a place to kind of anonymously talk about these things that are hard to talk about. I appreciate this forum existing. 😊