Messages

I live in Germany.
I loved my job. I had a lot of responsibility and it was varied, but I also had a heavy workload, had to manage a lot of people and didn't have a minute's rest.
This was absolutely too much for me. After the second physical and psychological collapse, the doctors wrote me off sick for a long time. When it became apparent that I would no longer be able to do this job in the future, I resigned on medical advice. That was a difficult step for me.
My medical file has now gone through 10 reviewers. Everyone came to the conclusion that I shouldn't work at all anymore.
Today I get a small pension, live a frugal life and take care of the house and farm.

I think that a first step can be to simplify life: small apartment, reduce expenses and reduce working hours. (Yes, that sounds very simple. But I know it's not that simple.)

I think the reason I'm here is because I'm a coward.

Hey, anyone who registers here and reports so openly about themselves and their difficulties and has survived everything they report can't be a coward!
You have taken another step to put your life on a better path. I think they will receive support here and I wish them perseverance!

Thank you for encouraging me. That feels good.

Thanks for your thoughts. It's interesting to read.
The longer I deal with the topic, the more I notice that sometimes a different, more liberated me shines through. There are days when I dare to speak to strangers for a moment. Most days I avoid contact. I suspect that without trauma I would be braver and more confident around people. For example, going shopping causes me a lot of stress, so I go shopping as rarely as possible.
It will take me a long time to get out of this vicious circle, but I'm fighting and trying.

I have been traumatized since I was a toddler.
What I'm wondering is: How does trauma affect a person's character?
I know that I only trust very few people, which is probably a result of my experiences. What else is there?
I've been interested in this for a long time. Would I be a different person if I hadn't been traumatized?

I have cPTSD and also take Mirtazipine to sleep when my chronic lack of sleep affects my mood. The dose is very low. For me it's just about calming down enough so that I can fall asleep and have a somewhat normal sleep cycle.
It doesn't protect against nightmares and doesn't let me sleep longer than my usual 3-5 hours.
If I take a higher dose, I sleep a little longer, but then I can't think clearly until lunchtime. That feels unpleasant. Even with a higher dose I have nightmares.

I'm trying to find my way. Preferably without medication, or if necessary in as low a dose as possible.

The book that helped me a lot at the beginning of my therapy is:

"Das PTBS-Arbeitsbuch: Wirksame Techniken zur Überwindung von Symptomen traumatischer Belastung" von Mary Beth Williams (Autor), Soili Poijula (Autor), Theo Kierdorf (Übersetzer), Hildegard Höhr (Übersetzer)
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-3981338928

This is the German translation of "The PTSD Workbook. Simple, Effective Techniques for Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms"

Hello, my name is Flitzi. 
I live in Germany.
I have had the official diagnosis of cPTSD for 8 years, dating back to my early childhood.
If you're wondering what "Flitzi" means... Flitzi is short for Flitzkittel, which jokingly describes a person who is constantly on the move / restless.