Messages

Thank you guys 
It's so good to know that there are people who understand me and cheer for me in my smallest victories too.

Blue Sky has been able to keep blooming so far in 2025. One of my biggest achievements (at workplace) I have noticed this month is that I didn't call in sick or have annual leave for the whole month of March. It's a big deal for me because I find it extremely difficult to go to work post nightmares or when I am mentally and/or physically exhausted. Hoping I can keep this up for April as well. And I can't wait for Easter long weekend. I'm hoping to get a wall painted in my house with the help of my partner. Hoping it could be an activity we get to do together, let's see....

I have been MIA the whole of 2024 I think. It was such a rollercoaster year. But Blue Sky is back and would like to start a new journal which finally feels like a "Recovery Journal" rather than just "Blue's blues".

I want to quickly wrap up my 2024 in this first Bloom because as much as it sucked big time, I do want to remember the whole "This too shall pass" and believe in it.

I was excited and looking forward to 2024. Especially the new job with more money and Japan trip.

The new company was horrible. I felt it in the 1st week itself but kept pushing myself and thought it would get better and that I would try one more week. Week turned into month and next thing I know it's 7th month and my depression was going in a steep downhill motion.
I enjoyed Japan trip in April. I thought a holiday would make things better.
My mother returned back to her country but then MIL came to live with us.

By September I couldn't recognise myself. I was constantly tired and couldn't focus on anything.
I applied for another job but I got grilled during the interview. I lost whatever self-esteem I had remaining.
I didn't show up to work for a week because my anxiety was over the roof.
With my doctor and therapist's help I managed to finally drive to work one day but couldn't even stay an hour. I just left and cried all the way back home.

Organised an urgent appointment with the doc and next thing I know, I'm admitted to the Psych Ward.

(Side note: I was still offered a job so I had something lined up. YAY)

It was going to be 2~3 weeks admission depending on my progress. The first week was horrid. I had to share a room, I felt super anxious and always on alert but tired and in bed most of the time. But I made sure I attended groups because Blue Sky doesn't like disrespecting others.

By second week I felt more comfortable walking around the ward, talking to my doc and nurses. I was introduced to another mood stabiliser that worked like magic for me and I started enjoying groups as well. I even went for Art Therapy and Hydro Therapy. At the same time I was even managing to get uni assignments done! Go ME!

Third week was a bit rough again. By now I liked being inside the four walls of the hospital. It felt safe there. Outside world sounded dangerous. And I didn't know what this new job would be like. A new company again, new people again, everything was scary.

But with the help and support from my doc, my therapist and my lovely partner, I came back home much stronger and for the first time in forever, I felt like a small part of me is healing. It's hard to describe the feeling. It's hard to know what worked at that Psych Ward because it was mostly just group classes like DBT and a few other engaging activities but I came out so much better.

Joined the new company in October and it has been much more pleasant working condition and my colleagues are nice too.

Blue Sky climbed Sydney Harbour Bridge for my own Independence Day in November. And by December, this surging rollercoaster was slowing down and I could finally step off and BREATHE.   

Is there a deadline for this? I'd like to give it a go but I have exams tomorrow so cannot write today. If it's okay to write and send tomorrow (11th June), i will do so after my exams.

[Armee]

Good luck with your work Armee. I hope it's going smoothly 

[Armee]

Maybe I should tell him he's lucky to have so many partners. 🤔

haha Armee love your sense of humour (esp. despite feeling down).

[Little2Nothing]

Beautiful poem Little2Nothing and I actually enjoyed the "old fashiony" feel of it   

[BecomingMe]

Thank you BecomingMe

Teenage Blue used to love poetry and loved writing her thoughts as poems. But since she kept getting scrutinised by FOO about her poems, somewhere along the journey of life she stopped writing them.

I have a diary or two of some poems she wrote but sadly, I can't seem to write new ones as an adult.

We're so happy for you Bert 
 

Not foolish, not bad, not lost. Just an extraordinarily brave little girl   

NK I just read through the whole post. Firstly a warm hug and also a  for the communication with your H. He seems like a lovely person.

What you wrote wasn't petty at all. I feel defensive too if someone asks me to share things that belongs to "me". For me they are usually pretty stationery items, things that I never owned as a kid I think. So if my H lets our niece use my colour pencils, or my stickers or origami papers, I feel like crying. I feel like the kid whose parents would scream "sharing is caring".

I hope short term changes makes it easier to deal with EFs and that in long term you can work on the symptoms. 

[Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview]

Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview

Couple of months ago when my current employer decided that everyone's work hours would be reduced to 3 days a week, I was devastated. I felt personally attacked as if I wasn't a good enough employee; even though the reduced hours were for everybody. 2 people were even made redundant. I remember coming home and crying so much.

After a few days I gathered myself together and started applying to jobs in Psychology as I didn't want to return to the previous field. Since I'm still a student, there weren't many vacancies but I was still hopeful. One by one I got rejection letters and every time my heart broke a little.

Frustrated and financially driven, I thought I have to keep applying in my current field as well because my company might be bankrupt any day. I applied for a junior position because that was the only vacancy at the time and within 2 hours I got a call and they wanted me to come for an interview. And just like that, within a week I had signed the contract even though it was less pay.

Another company (where my best friend works) started calling me about a position that had become available and wanted me to join. I declined twice since I had already signed the contract for the junior position but when they called me the 3rd time, I decided to go for a chat.

One of the questions they asked out of curiosity was "why Psychology? what drove you towards studying it?" and without even thinking I answered, "Well I was a CSA victim in my home country and after coming here and finding help and meeting so many psychologists and professionals, I started feeling like this is what I want to do in future and will be my way to give back."
All three ladies in the room were staring at me and then one of them said "It's so brave of you to talk about this so openly."

Only then it had occurred to me that OMG  I just told my backstory at an interview without even feeling anything. It just came so naturally and there was no shame or guilt or tears. And my T told me that this is a huge step in my healing journey  Anyway, I got offered much better position, more salary and the office and amenities are much better too.

The work will be significantly more stressful as this place is more commercial and churns much more work, but I guess I'd rather do something I don't like for more money until I find a job I like that might pay me less.

Glad to hear you doing ok

The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

[/b]

I feel so happy for you. Welcome back.

We all have been through the "i dont need this therapy/group/medicine/(insert anything)" phase.

  Waiting to hear/read more from you.

Blue feels blue yet again 

Partner is back after visiting his FOO. He got back so much goodies for me. I should be happy.
I have a new full time job aligned and that means my monthly salary will be steady yet again. I should be happy.
My assignment for uni is done, now all I have is an exam to pass and I will check another unit off my list. I should be happy.
I have holiday in Japan planned during Easter. I should be happy.

Then what causes this blue-ness? I can't even name the emotion anymore.

I feel so exhausted, my body just wants to go to sleep all the time. SI and SH thoughts feel like a light switch, I never know when it will just switch on/off.

Had another nightmare. Third night in a row. I wonder if me listening to True Crime Podcast has something to do with it? But i love the podcast.

[Trigger warning: SA]

Saw sibling's face and whole body in nightmare. He was just done with me and I had to run away from there. My body felt disgusting (you know when something is so smelly and dirty that instead of cleaning it, we have to burn it?) that's how I was feeling. I hurriedly tried to put my clothes on when he realised that I was trying to run away. I had to run with undie and pants only on one leg. I somehow screamed "help!" twice and someone called the police while I hid in their house. He got caught, my FOO were there, he had no remorse in his face. FOO were in shock. The police asked me what time the assault started (thinking it was a one time thing) and I said something like "Since I was 5". Shock and horror in everyone's faces around.

[End TW]

Anyway.. Does it count as a nightmare if the ending wasn't too bad? I dont know. I just know and feel this disgust and pain that I woke up with and will have to carry around today.