Messages

Is there a deadline for this? I'd like to give it a go but I have exams tomorrow so cannot write today. If it's okay to write and send tomorrow (11th June), i will do so after my exams.

[Armee]

Good luck with your work Armee. I hope it's going smoothly 

[Armee]

Maybe I should tell him he's lucky to have so many partners. 🤔

haha Armee love your sense of humour (esp. despite feeling down).

[Little2Nothing]

Beautiful poem Little2Nothing and I actually enjoyed the "old fashiony" feel of it   

[BecomingMe]

Thank you BecomingMe

Teenage Blue used to love poetry and loved writing her thoughts as poems. But since she kept getting scrutinised by FOO about her poems, somewhere along the journey of life she stopped writing them.

I have a diary or two of some poems she wrote but sadly, I can't seem to write new ones as an adult.

We're so happy for you Bert 
 

Not foolish, not bad, not lost. Just an extraordinarily brave little girl   

NK I just read through the whole post. Firstly a warm hug and also a  for the communication with your H. He seems like a lovely person.

What you wrote wasn't petty at all. I feel defensive too if someone asks me to share things that belongs to "me". For me they are usually pretty stationery items, things that I never owned as a kid I think. So if my H lets our niece use my colour pencils, or my stickers or origami papers, I feel like crying. I feel like the kid whose parents would scream "sharing is caring".

I hope short term changes makes it easier to deal with EFs and that in long term you can work on the symptoms. 

[Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview]

Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview

Couple of months ago when my current employer decided that everyone's work hours would be reduced to 3 days a week, I was devastated. I felt personally attacked as if I wasn't a good enough employee; even though the reduced hours were for everybody. 2 people were even made redundant. I remember coming home and crying so much.

After a few days I gathered myself together and started applying to jobs in Psychology as I didn't want to return to the previous field. Since I'm still a student, there weren't many vacancies but I was still hopeful. One by one I got rejection letters and every time my heart broke a little.

Frustrated and financially driven, I thought I have to keep applying in my current field as well because my company might be bankrupt any day. I applied for a junior position because that was the only vacancy at the time and within 2 hours I got a call and they wanted me to come for an interview. And just like that, within a week I had signed the contract even though it was less pay.

Another company (where my best friend works) started calling me about a position that had become available and wanted me to join. I declined twice since I had already signed the contract for the junior position but when they called me the 3rd time, I decided to go for a chat.

One of the questions they asked out of curiosity was "why Psychology? what drove you towards studying it?" and without even thinking I answered, "Well I was a CSA victim in my home country and after coming here and finding help and meeting so many psychologists and professionals, I started feeling like this is what I want to do in future and will be my way to give back."
All three ladies in the room were staring at me and then one of them said "It's so brave of you to talk about this so openly."

Only then it had occurred to me that OMG  I just told my backstory at an interview without even feeling anything. It just came so naturally and there was no shame or guilt or tears. And my T told me that this is a huge step in my healing journey  Anyway, I got offered much better position, more salary and the office and amenities are much better too.

The work will be significantly more stressful as this place is more commercial and churns much more work, but I guess I'd rather do something I don't like for more money until I find a job I like that might pay me less.

Glad to hear you doing ok

The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

[/b]

I feel so happy for you. Welcome back.

We all have been through the "i dont need this therapy/group/medicine/(insert anything)" phase.

  Waiting to hear/read more from you.

Blue feels blue yet again 

Partner is back after visiting his FOO. He got back so much goodies for me. I should be happy.
I have a new full time job aligned and that means my monthly salary will be steady yet again. I should be happy.
My assignment for uni is done, now all I have is an exam to pass and I will check another unit off my list. I should be happy.
I have holiday in Japan planned during Easter. I should be happy.

Then what causes this blue-ness? I can't even name the emotion anymore.

I feel so exhausted, my body just wants to go to sleep all the time. SI and SH thoughts feel like a light switch, I never know when it will just switch on/off.

Had another nightmare. Third night in a row. I wonder if me listening to True Crime Podcast has something to do with it? But i love the podcast.

[Trigger warning: SA]

Saw sibling's face and whole body in nightmare. He was just done with me and I had to run away from there. My body felt disgusting (you know when something is so smelly and dirty that instead of cleaning it, we have to burn it?) that's how I was feeling. I hurriedly tried to put my clothes on when he realised that I was trying to run away. I had to run with undie and pants only on one leg. I somehow screamed "help!" twice and someone called the police while I hid in their house. He got caught, my FOO were there, he had no remorse in his face. FOO were in shock. The police asked me what time the assault started (thinking it was a one time thing) and I said something like "Since I was 5". Shock and horror in everyone's faces around.

[End TW]

Anyway.. Does it count as a nightmare if the ending wasn't too bad? I dont know. I just know and feel this disgust and pain that I woke up with and will have to carry around today. 

Happy tears rolling down my eyes as I read the comments. I feel so lucky to have found OOTS and you angels 

I completed my assignment which is a huge relief for now. Yesterday mum was on a video call with my aunts and I was happy to see them and talk to them as well. But after sometime mum went to her room and I could hear siblings fumbled voice. A voice that so clearly has resided in the core brain that never forgets. I tried to increase the volume of my tv to drown out The Voice but it felt like I could just hear him, like he was right here right now.

I kept trying to continue my colouring and focus on the colours but ugh I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I keep thinking I feel so strong until his face or voice or thoughts or memories pop up. Why does he hold so much power over me? Even after so many years and so much energy and work I've put onto making myself stronger?

Group hugs to all of you  Thank you so so much for reading and understanding and having my back ♥️

[We'll miss Her]

January 25, 2009

We'll miss Her

The dark clouds have covered the sky
Coz' its time for her to say goodbye
This time she's going far far away
And will visit us at night and at day

Heaven in what they call that place
With many angels having lovely face
People say its very much better than earth
Remember: we already lived there before birth

Very much are we going to miss her love
Her kind heart was as pure as a dove
Soon time will come and she'll be long gone
And we will be able to do nothing but mourn.

This one is also by a very vulnerable Teenage Blue.
After reading all the positive comments in the other post, she was comfortable to share one more.