Here I sit at 6 AM, less than 4 hours of sleep over the last 40ish hours. It's becoming more frequent. I've kind of always had this problem but it's suddenly so different. With my recent cPTSD diagnosis this lack of sleep has changed A LOT for me.
I've always been very answers driven and obsessed over the consumption of knowledge. Yet I've only recently began to consume the knowledge that is my own psyche. This has led to an odd feeling, an explainable yet not understandable feeling for me.
Only recently have I begun to really connect with myself. And I've noticed this facade of being a big, strong, unbreakable, and unwavering "man" that I've carried for possibly 20 years of the 26 I've had. Truth is I feel like a scared and terrified little kid deep down.
I realize that there are two very distinct "sides" of me.
One consists of PURE FIGHT.(thankfully fully conscious and unclouded decision making accompanies this.) Now I realized a LONG time ago I had a very large tendency as a pre-teen and teenager to resort to violence. Thankfully I made this connection and realization early on and began to focus on anger managing techniques.(I can honestly and happily say I very rarely have outbursts now, and I will never get physical unless there IS a threat.)
Now the other side of me is the one that is currently wreaking havoc on me, and has only recently surfaced. It's the soft spoken, approval seeking, and extremely empathetic "child-like" psyche that CRAVES love. I can't seem to manage it. I try to comfort myself by engaging in my favorite activities or even openly discussing this with my Fiancé. But for some reason my heart just hurts so much.
I'm bringing this up to see if anybody else has felt or feels this way. If so, what is/was your process or your "escape" to achieve mental clarity and work through it? I don't want to run from this! I need to face it head on, because I know and understand that is the BIGGEST step to see that light again!
With Love,
OnePercentBetter
I'M NOT OKAY! BUT THAT'S OKAY!
I've always been very answers driven and obsessed over the consumption of knowledge. Yet I've only recently began to consume the knowledge that is my own psyche. This has led to an odd feeling, an explainable yet not understandable feeling for me.
Only recently have I begun to really connect with myself. And I've noticed this facade of being a big, strong, unbreakable, and unwavering "man" that I've carried for possibly 20 years of the 26 I've had. Truth is I feel like a scared and terrified little kid deep down.
I realize that there are two very distinct "sides" of me.
One consists of PURE FIGHT.(thankfully fully conscious and unclouded decision making accompanies this.) Now I realized a LONG time ago I had a very large tendency as a pre-teen and teenager to resort to violence. Thankfully I made this connection and realization early on and began to focus on anger managing techniques.(I can honestly and happily say I very rarely have outbursts now, and I will never get physical unless there IS a threat.)
Now the other side of me is the one that is currently wreaking havoc on me, and has only recently surfaced. It's the soft spoken, approval seeking, and extremely empathetic "child-like" psyche that CRAVES love. I can't seem to manage it. I try to comfort myself by engaging in my favorite activities or even openly discussing this with my Fiancé. But for some reason my heart just hurts so much.
I'm bringing this up to see if anybody else has felt or feels this way. If so, what is/was your process or your "escape" to achieve mental clarity and work through it? I don't want to run from this! I need to face it head on, because I know and understand that is the BIGGEST step to see that light again!
With Love,
OnePercentBetter
I'M NOT OKAY! BUT THAT'S OKAY!