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I so want and need this space, this forum as a place to share and be heard and hear others. Unfortunately even though I consider myself pretty tech savvy, I get lost here every time I login. I can't find the responses to my posts or find others' posts that I want to read again and/or reply to. It causes me anxiety and frustration.
I wish I knew the answer. I don't want to stop but each time I am back feeling like I'm in the Groundhog Day movie.

Thank you -it was so kind of you to respond and give me directions on finding the journal section. I was afraid to even check for hours to see if anyone responded. Big abandonment triggers for me. For now it's too late for me to begin journaling here but tomorrow for sure. Again, gratitude for your kindness.

I can feel myself spiraling and it sucks.
I feel very dumb that I can't seem to figure out how to navigate this Forum. I tried to find a reply from Kizzie telling me where to look for the directions, but I can only find my post and not her reply. I am trying but not at all succeeding in not letting  this stress me out completely.
I really want to start a Journal but i don't see where to add my New page so I can start.
Trying not to cry though that is easy because crying or showing vulnerability were not safe things to do in my FOA or in my former marriage.
I would so appreciate some help with navigating this.
Thank you

Thank you for the hug. I really need it.

It's kind of terrifying for me to write in this forum, even though I truly appreciate that this is here for all of us. It's easier to hide. but I guess in some ways I know that's not the best way to live.

I moved to a small town almost 3 years ago. This pattern of being unwelcomed, as I was in my family of origin (still am in this "we-like-you, we -don't like you" yoyo land with sisters), continues here. It's pretty impossible for me not to take this personally.

It keeps me in a pattern of never being fully 'In" anywhere.I always have one foot out the door.
Today I feel lost and hopeless.
Thank you for letting me share this.

Moondance- Thank you so much! I found the link.

Hello. I am still kind of new to OOTS and can't seem to find the journaling thread. I would like to begin journaling if that's the best place/way to share on an ongoing basis. Sorry if this isn't in the right thread for this question. I'll look for a quote to add. 

Thanks to all who replied and said welcome. Truly from my heart, it means so much. I only now found your replies as I'm still learning how to navigate this forum so apologies for not replying sooner. I just had some minor eye surgery so also i wasn't using my computer for a few days.
When I didn't see any replies to my other posts (I guess I didn't look at this one...) I immediately went to the "I'm unlovable/flawed theme so this is helpful to find your comments.
Someone in another post recommended Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving. While recovering from my surgery, I listened to it on audio (from Libby the free library site) and it's already life changing. I will buy it today.
I hope you all are having a good day.

Hello KJOHNS105
I'm just wanting to send you hugs and strength. You're not alone in this. I think there's so much help now that C-PTSD has been named. I get a lot of help from the affirmations that Rebecca Mandeville shares on her Youtube Podcast, Beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse. I recorded myself saying the affirmations outloud and listen to them every day.

Ha! I think I never knew I had an ICr. Better late than never. I guess that means the icr was just integrated into my being. Thank you for all your shares about this as it really helps. 

Nightmares- I have had them my whole life. I remember childhood nightmares even. Extremely vivid dreams and so disturbing!Every night. So much so that in the middle of the day I would be overcome by intense unsettling emotions that I would realize were what I felt in my dream/nightmare.

Storyworld, Here's where things began to change for me. Last spring I listened to an episode of Hidden Brain. The topic was sleep and nightmares. In it Shankar Vedantam, the moderator, talked about how when we wake up we feel restored. I said yeah right I Never feel restored when I wake up. Instead I feel re-traumatized every night and wake up with those trauma feelings. He explained that people who have experienced trauma don't have the same chemical make up so that when they sleep they don't get the restorative outcome of sleep.A couple of years ago, a very good friend of mine had told me that she thought I had PTSD. I remember thinking oh I can't have that because I wasn't in a war or  a bad accident. But still this Hidden Brain episode had a big impact on me. I sent her the link and asked her to listen. Around the same time I learned about Elizabeth "Grandma" Leyton who healed herself of mental illness though a process of drawing herself by looking in a mirror and painting her portrait, not looking at the paper. I did this in an expressive arts class and it was so intense and allowed me to see how much pain I live with. These two experiences happened close together. For the first time in my life, after talking about my nightmares to therapists, acupuncturists, various "healers", etc I was finally able to describe the "what is the theme?". It was this: Nothing makes sense. Which may sound benign but was anything but benign in the dreams which were sometimes re-occuring dreams of dilapidated houses or just bizarre things that made no sense but were quite disturbing. Then I "got it"- my childhood, and even into adulthood with sisters who continue to scapegoat, had many many instances of things that didn't make sense, and therefore there wasn't safety.  No one ever talked about it. I just had to cope so I'm sure I disassociated, froze, etc. Smoked a lot of weed in high school. Like the person in the podcast, I gave myself a mantra: "I am safe. I have created a life for myself that makes sense." The next morning I woke up feeling a sense of restoration that I don't think I'd ever felt before. Unfortunately,  the bad dreams and intense ones still would come back if I didn't do the mantra every night.

But once I started the affirmations last week from Rebecca Mandeville's Beyond Family Scapegoat Abuse, something has changed. Three nights ago I had my very first positive dream!! NOT a nightmare. My dreams are very vivid. In it I was with a man but in a friendship role, at his home. (trigger! but it was fine) The next morning his family came over and criticized me (trigger!) for moving some of the pictures he had on his wall and I stood up for myself. Later we went to a big outdoor event with lots of people (trigger!) and he kept telling me "It's ok. We've got this." I can't tell you how incredibly happy and peaceful I felt when I woke up. So there is hope!!

Thank you for starting this thread.I have so many thoughts running through me and not sure where to start. Being so new to the understanding that I have CPTSD and am a survivor of FSA, I just get blown away reading about others' experiences and sometimes shouting out loud "Yes that's me too! I feel the same way". Just always thought I was weird and messed up IF and when I allowed myself to even acknowledge my feelings. Dissociating was - and still is often- a way of coping and being able to make a living, take care of home, in much younger years to be a single mom to my two sons. There's such a sense of relief in reading all of your posts and knowing I am not alone. Whew!!!

I have always had one foot in/one out in most situations, with the exception of being a mother and raising my sons (both grown men with own lives now). Never felt solid or grounded in a job, a house, a community. Healing is helping and I feel I will continue to get clear on who I am as I have always felt I didn't have sense of self. T

I don't know if this is typical/normal, but I find I can only write short posts and share little bits at a time. Otherwise I get overwhelmed.

I am new to this forum. Interested in an online journal here. Can someone please direct me to where to set up my journal?

Also: Is there a key for some of the acronyms people use here? I am sometimes lost reading posts. And is there a way to respond directly to someone's posts or just be the next person who replies? Like on facebook where you put the @ sign in front of the person's name? How do we know if someone responded to a post we wrote?
Thank you!

Hello. This is just my second post and I'm nervous about sharing but here goes. I have had many friendships where i have been dumped, twice by being full on ghosted. It also happened in groups I thought I was a part of. It really hurts. I would have been ok if the person/group members had told me why but instead I was left with the seemingly never-ending mental agony of "what's wrong with me" What did I do wrong?.

On the reverse of that, I have recently pulled back from a nearly 40 year friendship, but I have shared some of the why with this person. Once I discovered FSA and C-PTSD - just 3 weeks ago- I realized why I kept getting triggered by this person. It didn't seem to matter how many times I shared with her about how not being "seen" is a Big pain area for me or how I feel like I belong no where, things always came back to her stuff, her needs, and she is unable to truly do more than surface spiritually kind of comments. This has been happening for a few years and I feel much better not being in contact with her though I send cards because I do care about her.

I am so relieved to learn that the sense of never belonging anywhere and the issues with friendships, groups, etc. is part of being a survivor of FSA. I am doing my daily affirmations from Rebecca Mandeville's podcasts and lots of reading. I love the information about being able to redesign our neuropathways. Hope.

Hello
I am so happy to have found OOTS. I choose the name Nasturtium because it's a flower that will keep growing even after you think you've pulled them all out. Sure enough the next spring they are sprouting up. I feel that's me as a survivor of FSA and someone living with CPTSD. I feel finally (I'm in my late 60's) that I am going to overcome a lifetime of feeling less than, depressed, occasional bad anxiety, and always not belonging anywhere.

I only recently, as in a month ago, found the work of Rebecca Mandeville and also Janina Fisher and both have been eye-opening, life changing discoveries. I have two older sisters who continue to scapegoat me but I am going no contact which is so helpful.

Happy to be here. Thanks to those who created this website and forum!