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[My Attitude]

Oh, this sounds fun. I love music a lot.

1) My Attitude — Bratz
I had the Rock Angelz CD growing up and honestly? Bratz songs are genuinely good. This song makes me feel like a confident princess-diva who deserves to take up space with no apology. It's basically a girl power anthem.

2) The Best Day Ever — SpongeBob SquarePants
Loved this movie as a kid. I still sometimes listen to this song when I want to listen to something unapologetically and childishly happy. This is just a song of SpongeBob singing about how it's... well, you know, the best day ever.

3) Metalingus — Alter Bridge
Absolute power anthem. Does remind me of trauma, a bit, lyrics are both sombre but optimistic in a way. Seems to be about waking up from a bad situation and deciding to move on, fight for yourself, that sort of thing. This is also a loud and heavy song, for those who don't like that. Also, this is Edge's entrance theme, and I love WWE.

4) I Said Meow — Azazal & Said
Fun, peppy electronic song that kinda sounds like what cotton candy and pop rocks taste like. At least to me. Weird explanation I know, but I have no other idea how to describe it LOL. This song has no lyrics, as far as I can recall. Other than little "meow!" sounds.

5) Collector — Photon Maiden
Putting this one here since it's currently the song I'm listening to the most and I keep coming back to it. Something about the melody in the chorus is so nice. It makes me feel nostalgic even though it is extremely recent, I'm not sure why. This is sort of a playful love song of sorts where the singer talks about wanting the subject "in her collection" and continues that metaphor for the duration of the song. At some points it may come off a bit patronizing or objectifying, just a warning for anybody, but I don't think it's malicious. Just kind of cheeky.

Aw I pretty much could have written this post.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of CBT right now and my experience with it was exactly as you described. I found a lot more success working with these beliefs through EMDR because it allows both sides to talk and come to agreement almost automatically and instantly. CBT really didn't work for the reasons you describe. My therapist has recently added IFS parts work... I tend to pick up new approaches pretty slowly though. I also have concerns with DID, and probably would match the diagnostic criteria but also bristled quite a bit when my T casually mentioned it. It's OK. It doesn't really matter where you fall on the spectrum and CPTSD is already considered sort of in the middle of the dissociative spectrum. Going slow though is always helpful, and going fast almost never.

Yeah, I believe what we're doing is called CPT and when I did my own research on it, it seems to be an offshoot of CBT. It's not like it's not working at all for me, which I'm glad for, but there are definitely some issues it feels like it'll be difficult to reach out to. I can definitely how it could end up doing nothing for certain people, and I'm glad you found something that worked better for you.

And, that's good to know. As I've gotten older I've become less eager and antsy to label every little thing I experience and am coming to just trust the gradual process. Regardless of what exactly's going on, I'm in a better place than I was and that's a good thing. Thank you for the kind words!

I had therapy yesterday. For homework, I had to do a worksheet we do that involves breaking down a stuck point. Going over evidence for and against, that sort of thing. Normally, I'm pretty decent at these. But this one, the one I did about why I "shouldn't be angry," was suddenly very difficult.

Normally, when I do these, it often involves a form of self-communion. There is often a more emotional "me" who believes the negative belief and my more "rational side" who knows it's a trauma-based belief and not true. However, with this one, I found that I could not rationalize with the emotional side of myself at all. There was a block, and I was totally stuck. I would make points, but even I didn't fully believe them, and my emotional side was shut down entirely. Just:

"No, we can't be mad, because we don't have permission."
"Why?"
"Because we don't have permission."
"Why do we need permission?"
"Because we need it."

Regardless of how brief the worksheet ended up being, my therapist was still proud of what I did write down, and it seemed to still bring useful information to the forefront so I guess that's a win. The block with my anger is a unique block to the ones we've addressed before. It feels deeper than something that can be rationalized with.

I told her that it's not like I am angry and am just pushing it away. It's that I feel entirely numb about it 98% of the time, and the only evidence I have that there's anger under the surface at all are the rare moments it bubbles up, only to fizz away. Sometimes I worry I'm making it all up.

She asked me what usually sets off the anger response, and I was honest and said the only way I usually get angry about what happened is if I imagine it in a third person sense. She found this interesting and brought up inner child work. I know there is a section on the forums for that, so I will probably be checking that out. She wondered if maybe approaching it from that angle would help me push past the numbness. She also brought up the concern that I may be dissociated from what happened and therefore also my anger about it.

I don't know much about the therapeutic practice, but I have spoken to my inner child extensively before. I don't wish to go into detail, but I had some pretty bad issues with dissociation as a teenager. Never diagnosed with anything because my situation was weird, but it was talked about extensively. I'm in a much better place now regarding feeling connected to my actions and my self-identity, but some benign remnants from that time still remain. They don't bother me because they don't distress or impair me in any way.

I was talking a bit about these past conversations with my inner child and she made an off-hand comment about "not going too far with it, now," and mentioned Dissociative Identity Disorder for some reason. I never even mentioned DID or anything like that. I know what she meant, she was just warning me to not accidentally induce dissociation where there currently isn't any by splitting myself into parts to speak with them. But my brain took it as accusatory, for some reason, like she was accusing me of... making my own problems? Taking something too far? I'm really not sure. But it made me feel weird. It brought back a lot of bad memories of being a very mentally unwell teenager who had "too many problems," and while I was never outright accused of anything, I often felt my mental health care providers didn't take me seriously.

I kind of mentally "checked out" and just began to follow the motions after that. I know she didn't do anything wrong, but I felt uncomfortable. I know she meant it from concern, but I know my limits. She doesn't even know my full history with dissociation because I speak about it very vaguely because the alternative is frightening and uncomfortable, so I can't blame her at all. I just laughed it off and reassured her I wouldn't.

Anyways, that's basically the gist of what happened. I'm going to do my own research and work on my worksheet assignments for next week. And try to shake off the weird feelings this session gave me.

It's ALWAYS OK as a member here on this forum to pop in and contribute, Goosey. Glad you are here.

Just wanted to say thank you so much for this. This eased a lot of my anxiety in the moment, so thank you for the kind words.

I have a hard time putting to words what sets off my EFs. I'm not even really sure of the frequency I experience them. I can rarely connect the dots in the moment because I'm in too much of an emotional state to think clearly.

One thing I know for sure does is any sort of abuse of power, or someone making me or someone else feel powerless, either in real life or fictional. "Corrupt authority figure who torments the protagonist" is one of my least favourite tropes. If it's bad enough, I have to leave the room.

I also think I get EFs when I feel socially rejected, though I'm not sure why. Just that suddenly I'm little Goosey again who doesn't know how to talk to people and keeps embarrassing herself over and over. I think it may tie back to the autism, but I never considered my experiences as a child from that to be "traumatizing" in that way. But this question has made me think about it and realize that I'm not sure if I can tie those EFs back to anything besides that: those feelings of isolation, being "different" from everyone else and not knowing why, and constant negative feedback (or even perceived negative feedback.)

I don't understand what our mothers are so scared of, or why they don't understand why admitting what they did and how it affected us would be a good thing for everyone concerned. What's the point of living in a delusion? They know. They absolutely know. Because they did/said the abusive things.

I hope it is okay if I pop in here, because I think about this a lot with my grandmother. I obviously cannot speak for anyone else's situation, but I think for her, it's not that she thinks she didn't "do it," and not that what she did wasn't questionable, but rather that she felt like what she did was "justified."

That is sort of a trend I've noticed, at least in my own life. People will mistreat you, and I think deep down they know their actions are "bad," but they also think their actions are "justified." They are not. But in the mind of someone who is willing to sacrifice the well-being of their own child or grandchild for their own selfish satisfaction or retribution or what have you, I think maybe that is how they think about it.

I can also relate to thinking of all the things I wish I could say, and writing mental "letters." Not even just to her, but the people who excused her behaviour. At its best, I think it can be a way of processing, but sometimes it becomes rumination, at least for me.

I can also relate to being in a confusing place where I don't fully understand what her intentions were, and it haunts me as well. If I found out, it would feel like closure, an explanation "why." I'm trying to accept that I may never get that.

Regardless, I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. You didn't deserve any of it, and nothing can change that. Wishing you the best.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and wishes! I wanted to reply to everyone individually in full but I won't lie, I'm a bit overwhelmed (not in a bad way, just an "ah, so many thoughts and words I want to say" way.) I wish I could upload my gratitude and send that instead, since I often have to translate my thoughts into words manually.

I'm glad to hear my post wasn't too long, I took a lot of care to break it up into digestible bits. I wrote it and re-wrote it quite a bit, aha. Technically, I trimmed a lot, but I'm glad I did. I sometimes forget that I don't have to cram everything in one go.

I see my therapist tomorrow and discussing that anger is going to be the focus of the session, so I will probably end up reporting back at some point about it and how it went. I was a bit nervous around her at first but I've settled by now and I enjoy working with her a lot. I think a part of that is that I find people hard to read.

To everyone who said what I said was relatable, I'm both sorry to hear that and grateful you shared it with me. It's such a common experience I think. I think we're all nicer to others than we are ourselves. I think I've joked before that "everyone's pain is valid... except mine." It sounds so silly when you spell it out that way... but poking fun at my own illogical thought processes helps me break them down with a smile.

Anyways, thank you everyone, again.

I was recommended to come here and I think having a journal here might be a nice idea for me. It's a bit harder for me to feel guilty for talking "about my own stuff" (I always feel like I hog conversations without meaning to) if I'm in a small space that is quite literally for "my own stuff." I'm currently in therapy and I will probably update this as I have breakthroughs or if things come up I find interesting or want to chew on a bit.

I'm currently doing Cognitive Processing Therapy. It's been useful for me so far. My therapist wants me to keep picking apart my stuck points. It's a lot of worksheets. I like filling out forms, so I don't mind. I do better with specific instruction rather than vague points, usually. I didn't mention this in my introduction, but I am on the autism spectrum as well, and sometimes these things all overlap in my brain, affect each other. She wants to me to focus on unpacking my feelings about anger, and to discuss it in-depth next session. Anger is rough for me.

With the emotional abuse, it started when I was a teenager and I was old enough to know I was being mistreated. I was angry from the get-go. I don't enjoy thinking about what I went through, and some things will still set me off. But, for the most part, I feel like... it happened. It sucked. But I have been through the pain and come out the other side. I spent those years furious, grieving, processing until I was all out of those feelings. It got to a point where I felt like something had been "completed." I "burnt out" but not in a bad way, I just had to feel all of the ugly and all of the bad, in its horrible entirety, for my brain to finally accept that we're okay again. To finally come back to the present. And I metaphorically rose from the ashes.

I kind of expected the same thing to happen with the CSA. Even though that started when I was very young, and I didn't even realize that what I had gone through was not normal until I was seventeen. I was kind of doing the classic "if I don't make eye contact and don't move, maybe it'll go away" kind of deal. I mistook numbness for peace, I think. I can look at both things that have happened to me and know I am in different places for them.

With my CSA, it feels like I am stuck in an odd state of denial. When I do have lucid moments of self-awareness, I go into a temporary angry state that often fades as soon as it starts and then I'm back to my "emotional comfort zone" of numbness and denial that it was "even that bad." Sprinkle in moments of deep dread and fear when I'm set off by something and that's been my life for the past number of years since I realized that something wasn't right here.

And shame. So much shame! About who I am as a person, about taking up space, about asserting my needs, about my body itself. I exist in a perpetual state of "don't hurt me," it's obvious to friends and acquaintances how excessively apologetic I am. It's a protective measure, but it also makes me feel so little, and like my existence is a walking guilt trip.

I can call my emotional abuse "emotional abuse" and not feel guilty. I cannot call my sexual abuse "sexual abuse" without feeling guilty, like I'm deceiving people, like I'm just "being too sensitive." Because that's what she always told me. My therapist pointed out that it's normal I am "stuck" on this point so deeply, because that was her main justification for her actions. It was what I grew up hearing. That I was the problem, that I was too sensitive, that I was overreacting to something benign.

The realization I had been eating up all the lies she told me to keep me complacent and internalized them so deeply into my worldview made my stomach churn. I realized I don't want her narrative. I don't want to keep believing what she told me. It changed my perspective on it. It felt like by listening to this stuck point I was betraying myself, and I didn't like how that felt. It lit a new fire on me to work on recovery. It sparked a bit of anger in me, which is always a good sign for me. Anger is progress, moving bit by bit past the denial phase. Or at least, I hope.

Anyways... very long entry, probably. Sorry. Not sure if it's too long or something. And it's a little scary to put this all out there. But I figured it'd make sense to start with where therapy has been taking me, what my next goals are with it and maybe some added context about where I'm at. She wants me to do a worksheet about what's blocking my anger, and I'm interested as to what I'm even going to write because I honestly don't know what's blocking me fully. Maybe it's easier to believe that you really are just over-dramatic than it is to confront how bad it was, I don't know. Either way.

Thank you for reading!

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I didn't find it at all long and rambly. Sharing can feel difficult but we are all here to listen. 

Hi Goosey and a very warm welcome to OOTS   

Thank you both, it means a lot!

Mine is a bit silly. "Goosey" is a nickname a close friend of mine gave me, and I kind of adopted it. I figured it'd be a good anonymous name to use on here.

It's actually just a shortened version of "silly goose," which she likes to call me. Over time, that just became Goosey. She often says it when she's reassuring me, like "don't be silly, Goosey." (As in, reassuring me my worries are unfounded, not dismissing how I feel, just to clarify.) So it's very positive to me. (And I think it's cute!)

Hello, and welcome. I am sorry to hear of what you have been through but I am glad you have found us. I'm also glad to hear you are working with a therapist again. That sounds like a good decision.

I've recently come back to art as an outlet. I loved it as a child but dismissive comments from my mother ruined that for years.I've been astonished just how therapeutic it can be so it's nice to hear you like to draw.

Thank you! I was going to say that I've been "enjoying it" but that's probably not the best phrasing, aha. More that it feels like difficult but necessary work. It's definitely been a drain on my energy but I know that's a natural part of the process.

Art is very fun for me, I'm glad you've been able to come back to it. I've noticed through the years how much my mental state comes through in my self-portraits. I've been drawing myself happier and happier looking as I've gotten better, and I still have a ways to go.

A warm welcome to you Goosey,

Your post makes perfect sense.  I can relate to not feeling it when I say or even write about much of it, whether it be CSA, emotional abuse, neglect and abandonment.  In definitely am detached from myself when writing or speaking about it.

I'm so very sorry for what you went through Goosey. You didn't deserve it or cause it.  You deserved soooo much better than that.  We all did.

I hope you find all of what you need on this empathic, supportive, encouraging forum.  This has been my experience here. 

Wishing you well Goosey.

Thank you for the welcome. And it means a lot to hear that. I haven't read too much yet but the energy here is very comforting so far. Wishing you the best as well!

At first, I felt like a fraud for having CPTSD, and I continued, for a while, to loyally make excuses for why my family had treated me how they'd treated me for my whole life.

One day I realized that I would never treat my own children or grandchildren with the manipulative, blaming, dishonest words that were used on me when I was their age. That's when I realized that if wouldn't say that to my own kids, why did my family feel right saying them to me?

I can really connect to what you said in this part. I also endlessly made excuses for the people who hurt me, which often included blaming myself for reacting to it rather than them for doing it in the first place.

One of my biggest personal breakthroughs when it comes to feeling genuine anger about what happened to me was when I imagined it happening to anyone else. How would I feel if I had a child and one of my family members behaved the way they did towards them? That was one of the first times I felt genuinely angry about it, and it was a wake-up call for me that I should stop trying to excuse it. It was a good step in my personal healing. I'm glad it helped you realize something similar because you didn't deserve to be treated that way, either.

And thank you for the recommendation to the Recovery Journals section, I'll definitely check it out, and maybe make one if/once I feel comfortable enough.

Thank you for the warm welcome!

Hello everyone! I'm Goosey. I wanted to join a space like this because, now that I'm basically picking this wound every week in therapy, it's been on my mind a lot. Processing everything, I mean. I figured having a community would be helpful. So thank you in advance for having me.

I'm in my twenties and a survivor of CSA and emotional abuse. (The former one is hard to say, and I don't think I truly "believe it" when I say it. I'm still learning to be okay with saying it and not feeling like an imposter or like I need permission. But I'm getting there.) On a lighter note, I love to draw. I'm just a hobbyist, but I've been drawing since I was very young, and it's my main outlet. I wanted to share at least one thing about myself that was more casual in tone.

I received a sort of "informal diagnosis" of C-PTSD when I was in my late teens, that basically consisted of my psychiatrist at the time saying "if I could diagnose you with this, I would." (I don't think it's a formal diagnosis you can receive where I live.)

I've been doing a bit better over the years, to the point where I'm in a place of peace regarding the emotional stuff, but I recently had to re-refer myself back to therapy to tackle the CSA. (It was never a focus of previous therapy, I was in-and-out for most of my teenage years due to depression and anxiety. I'm still fairly anxious, but my depression is luckily in remission and has been for many years.) A particularly bad nightmare was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me, that made me realize I've just been running from it and assuming it'll "heal on its own" somehow.

I'm currently working with a therapist to unpack a lot of the core beliefs it taught me and untangling the web of how it impacts me today. It feels like it affects me in a way that is not obviously connected at first glance, in a sort of insidious way. I'm not sure if that makes sense. I could go months without thinking about it sometimes, but it taught me so many things about the world and my self-worth that it affects me even when I don't realize it. It feels like an ick I can't shake, if that makes sense. And when it did rear its head fully, it wasn't pretty.

Hopefully this wasn't too long or rambly. I hope everyone's having a nice day (or night, if it's night where you live.) Thank you for reading.