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hello GettingThere,

I appreciate your writing what you endured. You have something special within you to withstand those experiences. You found safety, loving support and freedom. I'm glad you also found the forum.

Your observation that trafficking is a part of your story, not your whole story is what I'm drawn to. I'm impressed by your ability to see yourself as a whole person who had trafficking experiences, but refuse to claim that as your identity. Family is such a loaded social idea on a continuum. On the plus side, there's expectations of protection, love, nurture and loyalty. On the negative side, there's betrayal, harm, ongoing persecution. It's insidious that your family did this to you.

I'm happy that you've broken out, away and survived. You've chosen your own family. You are the first person I've read that spoke out on trafficking. I'm encouraged by your attitude and fearlessness. 

I really am sorry for how your NM treats people, it's abhorrent.  The 'positive' side to this is that you are not like her, you

Your thread here is quite intense. I can relate to your disgust and reactions. However, I'll leave it that Kizzie hit the target here.

Thanks for the positive vibes Eternalocean. They are reciprocal too! You're doing all the right things. It helps to have some tailwinds. We can give that here. Stay connected.

[And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.]

Dear Blueteddy,

This is indeed a very bleak picture of your situation and reality. Thank you for laying it all out so we don't suggest anything more you've already tried.

Seeing that outside help is either non-existent or has failed to yield results, it appears that it's up to you. And I have confidence you can find your way out. Why? Because this is what I read and see.

You have a very firm grasp on language. You have an internet connection. You are educated and write clearly and well. You found this forum. You are motivated to change and improve your life.

We have RESOURCES. It's right HERE Books, links to podcasts, oodles of things. New thinking from professionals, new ways of re-framing old concepts. I believe that you can find something that resonates and will be helpful. Give it a try.

Blueteddy,

You can and will stay alive. Somehow, someway, in your immediate environment, there is a person who is going to hear and act.

I don't mean your family. It's clear they are not able to do anything that helps. I don't know if you have transportation at all. But if you do, my thought is to go to a library and ask for information on services that help people in your area.

In times of ongoing stress, it's natural to shut down and reach out to people who are not trustworthy. It's a better idea to keep trying to get help from people whose job it is to serve.

When panic sets in, thoughts get jumbled and we can't figure out where to turn.

dollyvee,

You bring up a good point about ANP's functioning and the T's assumption that "what you see is what you get." It's difficult to really address that, because when that EP is present, obviously, it's risky or feels unsafe to reveal that. 

Twombley's article zapped me a couple times by new ideas. First, that the goal is to dissociate "better." Second that a young part that I've tried to control nearly all last year, might have triggered a young part in someone I am close to. I never in my life considered that. I don't know why.

Third, that there are proponents of IFS that discourage coping. Thanks for your input. It's helpful.

[Joanne:]

This is quite provocative. I've generally avoided thinking about it because I didn't want to know.

Joanne Twombly's IFS and Dissociation

This interview with Joanne Twombley here gives a detailed look at theory, personal practice and the pitfalls that can happen if a strict method is applied. I just lost an hour reading, but saw so many thoughts which gave me clarity.

One of these addresses the idea of accessing a small part of the trauma history. And this is more than enough:

[Joanne: Well and as that 5% or 1% gets unburdened, then the person has that much more energy and they have more confidence that they can do it. I mean a lot of people don't think they can ever look at this material because it's so traumatic and they certainly don't want to.

And I'm like, yeah, I don't want to either. If there were some other way of healing, we'd be all over it. But you know, just pushing things away.

We're biologically wired to heal, and you can push it away. But the analogy I like, somebody else told me this, it's the pee analogy, it's like peeing, you can hold it back but only for so long then it starts trickling out, then it wooshes.

You want to use coping skills, you want to be able to, you know, notice when you have to pee and go before it wooshes. Right. That's what it's like with trauma. You can put it away, but it starts to ooze out and then you can get like massive wooshes of flashbacks.

And there is literature that says that if somebody's managed to avoid it all until they get much older that, you know, there's a population of people with dissociative disorders in nursing homes where they don't, they can't run around and avoid the way they used to.

Their friends have died off, they're alone, the traumatic material starts coming up and they look senile or they look crazy. And it's untreated dissociative and traumatic material.]

Italic emphasis mine. This is what's happened to me in the last year. Scary and disorienting. Now I have some clue as to why.

So I guess the moral of the story goes back to the old backbone of CPTSD treatment and also why Greece went so well...slow and steady. Don't bury it, don't ignore it, don't charge ahead too fast.

Bingo! Well said. This lesson took me, oh, maybe 15 years. But, hello! This summer I got it, acted on it and sailed right through a potential self-induced crisis with my D and her father.

Congrats on hanging in. It's quite a milestone. Obviously this says you are tenacious as heck, and determined to live a different way. Not to mention leaving a GREAT legacy and role model for your children. Wooo hoo Armee. 

Insecurity, frustration and anger are automatic de-stabilizers when it comes to the internal psyche. We struggle to maintain a sense of well-being and acceptance, sometimes periodically or more.

Have you thought about who exactly you need to accept you, with speaking or writing? Is it a global "other" or someone specific?

Many times I'll go into my own head to entertain myself while doing a task or experiencing things which I've done many times before. If someone happens to notice a particular way I move or whatever, they may call my attention to it. I just grin and exaggerate, and we both feel 'seen.' I think that is a lot of the purpose in everyday life-feeling seen, and if we can, enjoying it.

Welcome Raleigh,

Yes, a break up can cause major problems. You've invested in yourself so consistently and developed a support network that it will provide a net of sorts so you can stay "afloat."

This is a good and understanding community who have been dealing with cPTSD a long while. You might find exactly what you're looking for. Take good care of yourself with compassion and kindness.

[The way it affects memory is really complicated and intense.]

Armee, Late to this thread, but scanned for the crux. It looks like this is in the rear view mirror, but I have a couple thoughts.

1. Your trip to Greece was a great step forward. It did bring a bunch of things together for you, in a new way. So your brain is now integrating all that new perspective.

2. Anesthesiology is a fraught issue. The way it affects memory is really complicated and intense. I have kept an anesthesiology "journal" of sorts, since some MDs screwed up and I became conscious during the procedure! (Yes, I complained, pursued, etc.) In addition, my daughter observed me saying and doing something outrageous under the influence. We laughed, but it was disturbing.

3. I have been privy to Dr notes over decades. Some are real jerks (thinking of a different word here) and my reality was, you go along to get along. Heaven forbid you challenge or have any real discussions because the power imbalance is so great and there's a lot to lose. It's not surprising that you would have a visceral reaction to those notes. Keep in mind, your providers are not on the front line of your healing, so THEY DON'T KNOW. That is not to excuse, but to explain their ignorance. And in reality 98% are ignorant, or misinformed.

It's likely your entire internal landscape is being rebuilt piece by piece as a result of your trip. Stay true to your power and align yourself with the providers that know you best.

Phoebes,

You seem to have a bit more information, or at least shared it here. Discontinuing prescription drugs is one choice. It can be good in the long run, but not so hot in the short run. I"m not advocating, just telling what my experience has been.

Depending on what's happening in your life, fully understanding and processing medical news is tricky. Now that things are more clear, it's still tricky. With persistence, it can be tackled and eventually conquered (I think) I'm sorry you are feeling the pain and wish you soothing ways to deal with it.

Hi Phoebes,

I looked this condition up and immediately realized how incredibly painful it must be. As a person who has auto-immune disease, I can relate to the fear and discouragement.

Are there any useful thoughts on what you could or could not do? Living with chronic conditions depletes energy so quickly.

 

Hello Grabia, welcome to the forum.

It's a big step to trust a community with painful experiences. Life can get better as you learn to lean on others for support.

There's a lot here. I hope you find what's right for you. 

Welcome nightingale 

I feel strength from your post because despite your experiences, you have not given up. Keep trusting yourself and your ability to get what you need, where you feel safe to do so. I hope this is a place that helps.