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I'm so sorry to hear NK,

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Good morning OOTs,

Thank you for the kind words Hope, it means a lot. I hope you're doing well 

I've something quite important to say. I decided to resign. I've decided that I need align my career goals to more of who I really am. Despite the work I had done, and the excitement I felt on Day 1 of this new job, from Day 2 onwards I could feel myself slipping into the pits of despair, loss, and all-round miserable-ness. I think I've realised that this industry that I've contributed to for the past 8 years has been a product of my CPTSD. A coping mechanism if you will. The nature of the work in this career (advertising/marketing agency) is never-ending deadlines of utmost importance and with no "thank you's" or smiles along the way. Effectively, it's like me pandering endlessly and frantically to my abusive M & F and not knowing what or how I can help them or get a sense of positive feedback.

I've been far more in touch with mySelf over the past 3-6 months as I had to take a break from work, and have learned how deeply I care for people, I care about their smiles and joy, I like to enrich peoples lives and as I'm sat behind my laptop in my "new job" (that's the same old heartless and joyless graft) - I can feel my inner parts screaming "what are you doing?".

I resigned yesterday, incredibly respectfully and explained that I now know that I need to change career and align it to my values. They took it... meh. It doesn't help that the primary resource on the account I was going to lead had also resigned that day... (red flag right).

Regardless, my EFs and inner world are back at peace knowing that I'm on their side. That I'm listening to them, and they do not want us to carry on in this line of work.

What I do next? I'm unsure... But I'm not terrified. I've a few ideas... I could set-up a dog walking / dog-sitting service in my neighbourhood, I've an idea to consider being a luxury car salesmen, perhaps an estate agent? I've a bit of searching around to do. But I kind of feel like this is absolutely what I need to do. An element of "lightness" about my body.

My fear of course, is I'm giving in to avoidance. I don't know... I don't know how to discern what is what with this, but I kind of know that I can't continue as how I was before. My body simply refuses it (and boy does it get in a very bad way, quickly).

Have any of you guys experienced something similar? Let me know.

Love to you all

Hi there NK,

I just wanted to send my love and support. I hope you feel better soon. 

Morning guys,

Thanks Slash and Armee for your insight and advice. I'm completely behind the words you have shared.

Unfortunately, the weekend has been quite tough. I am dealing with very intense emotions and EFs. Of course it's normal to feel overwhelmed in a new job, perhaps a slice of imposter syndrome is expect also. But these feelings are exceptionally triggering. I've shared a few tears and have had to combat a self-deprecating mind over this weekend so far.

Though I have a much better understanding of the condition that I possess, and by extension I'm a little more compassionate and understanding of my behaviours etc - I have to admit I am struggling.

I feel like I'm different... Pre CPTSD diagnosis, to now. I fear that if I can't hold this job down, I really am hopeless, you know?

Perhaps I cannot cope with the stresses of the industry I work in any more. Is my body telling me to change? Or is this a deeper desire to avoid and run away?

PS: Slash, it's nice to make your acquaintance. And Armee, I wish you the very best as you re-enter your working world - I feel proud that you're taking that step!

Good morning my friends at OOTS,

I hope you've all been well. Again, it's been a little while since I've posted as things have generally been going well.

The main reason I wanted to write into my journal again is because I'm 3 days into my new role and I am sensing that I need some support to help me with getting myself back into work.

So far, I can't raise any "red flags" with my new job. I've been very much looking forward to getting myself back into work (and this time, in employment as part of a team rather than self employed all on my own). The people seem absolutely fine and I approach this with the mentality of not becoming overly emotionally invested into relationships, etc. To treat work as a means to earn a living and to stimulate myself.

I have joined this team to lead on one of the agency's larger clients. All seems well. It is a large account with many moving parts. And already I'm feeling some slight emotional disregulation as I am probably expecting myself to need to provide value from day 1... It's like I'm uncomfortable in not being able to help immediately (because i don't know anything yet!? Right...). I can feel myself, or should I say, my unreasonable self / critic, wanting to be a hero and to sort everyones troubles out - and that is translating into overwhelm and stress.

Basically... I need to be way more patient to myself and to try not to get disregulated too badly.

Any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

Hope you're all well!

A little update to my journal.

Narc, Papa, thanks for your words of encouragement. The past week or so have been fairly okay- scratch that, in the scheme of things, things have been very good.

The job hunting aspect is coming along nicely. I seem to be at the deeper end of a conversation which might have me returning to work as a part-time employee (3d/w) for the first 3 months and then full-time after that. It happens that that is mutually beneficial and so I'm waiting to hear back. The hiring manager is a person I worked closely with 4 years ago and established a good professional bond with. A bonus is that they are empathetic-enough to understand my situation (I disclosed a little about what's been going on). Anyhow, I look forward to seeing if this opportunity comes to fruition. If it doesn't that's okay too, I'll continue to take my time looking for the right kind of work opportunity.

I've successfully handled a few minor EFs which previously may have caused me to regress big-time. I think the therapy is really starting to get through. Here's an interesting note... I've worked with a trauma-specialist therapist who is proficient with EMDR and IFS techniques for over 2 years now. And only recently have I felt genuine trust towards her which I think has been a real turning-point.

Our house is going up on the market imminently. My wife and I are both looking forward to nesting in the next place- especially as we're now expecting a child (she's 9 weeks pregnant). I'd have thought this would have really weighed up on me in terms of pressure and more ammunition for my critic to launch attacks about how pathetic I am / unprepared I am. But it's been the opposite actually. Exciting.

Trying not to fall into the habit of kidding myself / portraying over-confidence. I'm completely accepting that challenging moments and triggers will present themselves. But I do feel a bit more robust in handling myself through them.

Hope that my OOTS family are all doing well. 

Sorted my resume. The process itself was fairly enjoyable once I had gotten myself started. I actually took myself out to a local coffee house, sat at a quiet table with the sun shining in. Was the perfect place to get something like this done.

It truly is mind-boggling how a part of your psyche just refuses to believe that you are worth anything / completely incapable. Updating my resume was the perfect opportunity for myself to sit with my inner critic and my inner child and show them that we aren't completely incapable.

I've a couple of conversations lined up with potential employment opportunities. Not expecting a great deal, but I'll cut myself some slack. Having those conversations is a far cry from where we were at just a couple of weeks and months ago.

Also dealing with estate agents as we are selling our home to downsize. Plenty of house work to tie-off in preparation for visitors.

Hope everybody here is having a positive day.

Thanks for your words Armee. I hope you too find the right role that suits your needs 

Hey Larry,

I've dipped in and out of your recovery journal over the past few months. I'm so glad to see and hear that on balance, your feeling more positive and healthier. I think the physical exercise side of it is very important - so definite congrats on getting yourself involved in sport & the gym. I think there's a lot to say for people with CPTSD in that doing "adulty", "healthy" things can make us feel more present minded, within our bodies, and feel a bit more capable and grounded.

I also wanted to chime in about Zoloft. I too was very scared with taking the medication. Roughly 18 months ago was the first time I ever did a course of Zoloft at 50mg (lasted 6 months). It was a positive influence and did help with some symptoms. I have started another course recently, this time at 100mg, which I feel I will keep to for the next 12 months and again, I can report that it is very helpful. Only begin the medication if you feel it is right for you - but I see myself in you with the apprehension. So I wanted to share that with you.

Keep looking after yourself Larry 

A tough morning this one. Not debilitating, and I'm managing through fairly well.

Avoiding doing my resume and applying for work despite having agreed with myself that we're ready to give it all a go again.

Up until 6 months ago, I was running quite the successful business. I've a decent name for myself in my local area and have spoken to a couple individuals I feel that may be interested in employing me. The resume/cv that I'm to put together, I know will be a compelling one as I've many accolades for that "success" thing.

However... I'm quite scared. I don't want to go for a high-responsibility job that my resume and history would suggest. That'd be catapulting me right back into the high intensity relational atmosphere which triggered me in the first place. I want to take it easy, and find joy in a relatively lower-responsibility role where I'm support by a good line-manager and a few team mates. But I fear many would see me as over-qualified for such a position. I don't care about the money. Just want to get myself working again, in a good-enough job that I can manage.

I hope that employers would understand that desire? It's so strange in this "rat run" society where everyones chasing more and more and more.

Therapy in an hour which I'm looking forward to. And afterwards, I might just take myself out to a quite cafe and update that resume of mine.

Hey Not Alone,

I'm not sure we've interacted before - I wanted to give you a big e-hug and send my support.

You write that you've been in a state of near constant EFs for 13 months or so, and I can resonate with this and how painful it is. I myself have been in the most awful of places pretty persistently for the past 5-6 months. Everything seems incredibly overwhelming.

Like you, I am also to update my resume and try get back into the workplace after having had to take so much time away to prioritise my health. It feels like it's going to be all so much.

I'm making a commitment to spend 30-60mins a day spending time with my inner child and my critic. The idea is to make the critic understand how tragic, and in need of his support (not exile) that boy needs. To accept where we are and to attempt to move forwards. I find that this has been of some help. Perhaps you could try that also?

Please don't feel obliged to try anything a random guy on a forum is suggesting, but I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you, and I'm here for you. 

Morning guys,

Thanks for warmly welcoming me back - it's fantastic to have a little supporting community on here.

You know, over the past 4-5 months I feel as though I've unravelled this to the core. You know the stages... Denial, bargaining, depression, grief, etc. It's been very painful as I'm sure you all know to well.

Papa, you point out a very true thing. The inconsistencies in my mind are crazy-making. In the whole PD / dysfunctional family system, I'm certainly the Hero child. So I've developed this mindset of portraying ultra-confidence, ultra-competence, ultra-togetherness, etc. So, in my case, it's debilitating to have a mindset (or a part) that is super "ahh, we've got this, this is nothing, we're on top of the world" to literally being cocooned under the sheets in complete despair.

I fully accept that I'm going to need to be able to let go of the super-achiever perfectionist, or at least cut him some slack. Bringing him closer to my inner exiled child, who is terrified. I'm going to need to manage countless emotional flashbacks in the future, I'm sure. Perhaps in accepting this and willingness to work through and to keep trying, things will get better over time?

Loads of love to you all

I'm posting to share my interest in this. Do let me know if I could be invited to any existing groups, or to new groups created from hereon-in. Thanks Narc for pointing me to this thread.

Hey, I know that this is an anonymous forum. But I'm searching for a support-group of sorts. Like a- you log in for 30-60mins go around the (digital) room and share in a more real-time connected manner. I know that for some with C-PTSD this could be quite frightening, but I wholeheartedly believe that with each others encouragement something like this could be a really good thing. I dunno, just a thought. Or perhaps some of you may know of places where I can go to partake in something like this?

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I've journaled here, or engaged with the forum at all actually. If I'm being 100% honest, I oscillated between thinking I don't need this, I'm just being really silly (rejecting my reality) and cautious that my monologuing was just re-traumatising me. Add in also, that I felt untrusting towards the kind words you all have shared with me.

A number have months have passed and I would say that my attitude has changed. I believe have accepted my childhood, and the condition that I'm in as a result. I have revisited the loving words you have all shared with me and I now *feel* your support, rather than just say that I do.

Thing is... I realise I've spent my life running away from negative emotions. Sadness, despair, abandonment, the feeling of just not being good. My vice(s) haven't been the more stereotypical types like drug misuse, alcohol, p*rnography, etc. I see that I've spent my adolescent and adult life running from feelings of abandonment, by achieving and that has been my vice. A type of left-brain disassociation as described by Pete Walker for those of you who are familiar with his books.

My body has collapsed on me and has forced me through this painful journey. I am thankful for it, as I am now hopeful of my future. Despite how challenging my life has been recently.

I've actually really started to *feel* the less-than-desirable emotions, which is kind of new to me. As like I said, the minute I feel any such emotion I would activate a busiholic flight response to escape. I think this is what the last 6 months of therapy has been trying to achieve. I'm virtually always "in my head" rather than "in my body" feeling the saw emotions and realising that infact, I am safe. I will not die.

I think I've really started to grieve for my inner child. A real turning point was when my therapist managed to get my inner critic to give me (mySelf) and my inner child a group hug. The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

I really hope you've all been well. I just want to say that I love you all. You're all incredible people for fighting through this and standing by yourself.