Messages

[Blueberry,]

Blueberry, at the end here you mentioned something: "once one symptom of mine seems somewhat calmed, it's as if something else rises to the surface that had been held back, mostly unobserved by me, by the improved symptom." I feel the exact same way, only I call it "whack-a-mole".

Last summer I had a strange episode when I lost most of my vision for about 15 seconds. Unfortunately this happened at the exact time a truck was backing out of a parking space. I only perceived movement, and pushed myself away from it, landing on the concrete. Ever since then I've been sensitive to light, especially bright light, outside, inside it doesn't matter. (I had a complete workup, nothing conclusive)

As I read through this and learn of others' reactions and strategies, I'm starting to think that age plays a role. We may have pre-existing sensitivities of sorts, startle responses, over stimulation, auditory sensitivities, which may have been masked or managed simply by sheer willpower, especially during working or child rearing years. Then when some of those external demands fall off, the old stuff "comes out to play" again.

When COVID hit, I found myself in bed in a dark room 12 hours a day. Liking it. That urge to cocoon was not evident before 2020. But it has hung on. It appears I'm making a case for acquired, by virtue of our common treatment and disrespect by "caregivers" which has a real potential to emerge later in life in full force.

Oh, yes! As I get older, I get more intolerant to what I call excess stimuli.

My partner often fidgets, which makes noises or vibrates the furniture (that I'm also sitting on) or various other things like that. It didn't bother me as much before as it has in the past few years.

Then again, I'm feeling somewhat abandoned by them in some ways (I wrote about it on my blog, which is not on this site), so I think my irritation at some of the unconscious things they do is magnified.

Regarding the visual blackout, have you ever been diagnosed with migraines? That is a terrifying, but not-too-uncommon, symptom of migraine. You don't have to have pain to have migraine!

The thing that resonates the most for me about AQND is how I react to too much light, noise, smells, etc. It's sensory overload which I see myself as acquiring because I was so overstimulated growing up. Life was chaotic and I know now all the chemicals flooding my system made me more raw and sensitive. I have a huge startle response, don't like noisy crowded spaces, strong smells...

As BB suggested, this leads me to wonder if we can learn to calm/rewire our systems. Seems like it would take a massive effort daily and even then?      

Me, too, to all of that! And I think we can learn to rewire ourselves. At least, I'm going to try!

I think neurodivergence can be acquired. The terms "neurodivergent" or "neurodivergence" haven't been around all that long, in the grand scheme of things, and neuroscience is still pretty much a new field of study that's expanding all the time.

It's not unheard of to have terms redefined as our understanding of biology expands and is refined.

I know that I have sensory overload at times. I used to watch a YouTube channel regularly about a girl who is autistic and is nonverbal. I could so relate to some of her stims, but I know I'm not autistic.

I do have migraines, which are also a form of neurodivergence, and my mother and her mother also had migraines, so it's possible that a lot of the dysfunction has its roots in the migraine disease. But in addition to migraine, I have times when life just becomes overwhelming and I need to cocoon. Sounds become too loud, light too bright, touch too - not painful, but uncomfortable.

I could totally see CPTSD as causing neurodivergence.

Oh, that "brain splinter" thing really resonates with me! I think I'll have to try to explain to my partner (when they're not in the midst of making noises) what it feels like when they make noises. They already think I am too controlling, but I don't want to control them! I want to control me!

Oh, I'll try that, thanks!

Thanks, Bert and NarcKiddo.

I also have a well-developed startle response.

Also, my partner has a tendency to click pens or tap things and it bothers me so much. Does anyone else have issues with that kind of thing?

I used to be able to just bull my way through and get stuff done, but lately, I'm living with this tight feeling in my chest and a racing heart and a sense of impending doom. Over taxes.

I owe our tax person information by the end of the day on the 30th. It's always hard for me to get started, but usually when I get started, I can finish without a problem.

However, this time, I'm having an extremely difficult time staying focused and motivated. Well, I'm motivated, because it just has to get done, no options there, but I can't seem to make myself work for more than half an hour at a time.

I have always procrastinated. I can usually get things done at the last minute, but I'm just having a really hard time, right now.

In the past, I have successfully suppressed the anxiety and physical feelings by getting going on things, but this time, it's not working. I don't have time to get to the root of why I feel this way until after the work is completed.

How do I manage this? I'm taking frequent breaks, but I get no relief from them because I feel guilty for taking them and keep reminding myself that the work needs to be completed.

I'm frazzled and unable to concentrate.

Thank you! That helps a lot.

That was funny!

I, too, have IBS. The higher my stress level, the more frequently I sit on the throne. Not to be too punny, but it's a royal pain, LOL!

Damn, I knew I was angry, but I only came to say "Exactly "!

I so relate!

Wyge, I'm sorry you went through all of that, and are seemingly still going through some of it.

As for me, I don't think I'll ever forgive my parents. I don't see any reason to forgive them. It won't fix things, and it won't help me to forgive them for things they didn't see as wrong.

I have a hard time with the word "accept," too. I know bad things happen to me. If that's what "acceptance" looks like, I guess I "accept" it, too. But to me, that word has connotations of forgiveness, and I'm just not in a place to do that. I would suggest that if you have a similar reaction that you don't push yourself to accept anything.

My stuff was all prior to age 18, and going on to be a productive member of society doing good work, I thought I was over it.
Enter menopause, and a failure of repression, and everything has changed.
I recently weaned off of the anti-depressant I had been taking >25 years; it wasn't helping anyway.
I have lost years of time. I don't want to lose anymore.
I want to be well.

Except for the antidepressants (and not wanting to reveal my gender), this is pretty much me. There's something about getting on in life and losing out on all that time I used to have that makes me incredibly sad.

I'm in my late middle age and have been dealing with CPTSD for my whole life, as most of us have. However, I only got a name for it recently, even though I've been in therapy for a while.

A couple of weeks ago, instead of getting work done, I was surfing on YouTube and came across a description of CPTSD and thought, "Wow, that really seems familiar."

On Monday, during my therapy session, I told my therapist about my discovery and he said, "Oh, you definitely have CPTSD." I wish he'd told me sooner. We went on to have probably the best session we've had in over a year, then I started writing a blog about my experiences so that I can have someplace to write. I used to keep a hand-written journal, but it's much faster for me to type, nowadays. I hadn't found this place before I started my blog.

I'm in a committed relationship with my partner, and while there are a lot of issues there, they've been very supportive of me when I've bothered to communicate with them about the contents of my head. They've been difficult to deal with for the past few years, but now I'm beginning to think that was at least partially because I was not communicating well with them about how various things affect me internally. There are some things we will never agree on, and which I don't discuss with them (religion and politics, mainly), but at heart, they're a loving, caring person who loves and cares about me. I need to learn to trust them with my emotions.

I've read through all the rules before I made an account and before I posted here. It's all still very overwhelming to me, so please forgive me if I don't respond quickly or don't engage with a lot of posts. Right now, my edges are fraying, so this randomly-generated user name suits me.