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I intended SI to be suicidal ideation. Right now, I'm not having any issues with it.  I really think my medication helps significantly.  However, there was a tradeoff.  I soon as I started taking it, I gained significant weight.

One of my many co-morbidities is OCD.  I've had it for a long time, but because it isn't stereotypical OCD I wasn't aware of what it was.  I do check probably more than most (at an OCD level), but that isn't the real problem.  When I get upset I can't let it go. Something small will dominate my thoughts 24/7.  When I wake up in the middle of night for any reason, it is right there. First thing in the morning I'm thinking of what upset me.  This has gotten so bad that it turns into SI, which then becomes another obsessive thought. This can turn into weeks or even months of non-stop obsessive thinking.  Last big episode I went inpatient for a month.  Medication helped, but I feel like the OCD wasn't treated.  All my therapy focused on childhood trauma.  While I understand the basis for that, I never really learned how to get out of an obsessive thought pattern without more medication.  They had me read the book Brain Lock, that helped some but the book addresses more traditional OCD and I couldn't apply some of the tools it recommends.

My name Canotia comes from the plant canotia holacantha.  It is a beautiful green plant with red flowers. Instead of leaves it has thorns and is also knows as Crown of Thorns.  It is beautiful but dangerous.

Hi, I'm Canotia.  I am here in a fairly good place in my life right now but not without struggles.  I remarried almost 3 years ago to a guy who appreciates and loves me very much. I have two grown children who are doing well. I have a 19-year-old stepdaughter who is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and brings a lot of chaos into our lives. Right now, it is quiet, she isn't communicating with use because we are "controlling."

I was sexually abused as a child and the perpetrator went to prison for his crimes.  He passed away in 2017. My mother was demanding, difficult, and often mean.  She passed away last year.  I've been struggling lately with how things were left. I feel bad because I was always so mad at my mother until the very end. I wish I had spent time with her without being angry.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD in 2016. I seem to have a complete breakdown about once a year. I am thankful my husband is patient, compassionate and tolerant. Last year I ended up in the hospital with a complete medication change that seems to have helped tremendously other than the weight gain.

I am happy to be here in a supportive environment.