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Thanks. I have realized I don't really have the energy to advocate for myself, and I feel too paranoid about workplace stuff like that to trust HR. I sent them an email saying nevermind and thet I'll just deal with it. I'm just going to keep using my cutter and just put it away before any morning people are there. Thank you

I am nauseous with worry writing this. Basically from 5th grade until college I struggled on and off with self harm. I used straight blades like boxcutters. I no longer feel comfortable holding or touching one.

I work as an overnight grocery stocker, and I use a safety cardboard knife that can't easily break skin. I brought it from home when I started my job 18 months ago. It's like a butter knife texture. However my work noticed it and said I must use the standard cutter. I am trying to talk to HR but they haven't budged. I am so scared they're going to fire me under the guise that if I can't use a standard boxcutter, I can't actually do my job. I can't handle trying to look for a job again, so many jobs are triggering and difficult to do at all.

I feel like I should have never talked to HR and just kept secretly using mine, because I'm on nights and rarely seen. Does anyone have advice on how to handle HR? Or assurance that they won't fire me? I really don't think I can use the boxcutter they want me to. Would disclosing my past with self harm to HR be a mistake?

Hey, all. I haven't been able to make friends in years because I no longer have jobs where I talk to my co-workers and school/work are the only ways I knew how to meet people. I don't really know how to even start a friendship.

I also find people very intimidating in general. I am afraid to approach people because I worry that me looking at or talking to them will make them angry. When people talk to me, I get scared because I worry they just want me to do things for them, or that when they learn more about me, they'll dislike me or not understand me. I just end up trying to end any interaction as quickly as possible because being alone feels the safest. I end up telling myself that I don't have anything to offer anyway.

I know always being alone or alone with my boyfriend isn't good for me. I miss the new perspectives and experiences friendship can bring. We both wish we had more friends. I just don't know how to deal with instant shame and fear I feel when anyone notices me. Has anything worked for others on the forum?

Hello! I am a 28 year old NB trans man (he/they pronouns) and I have been trying to mostly deal with this all on my own because I am very afraid of most people, and I worry about being believed or understood. My CPTSD comes from my family. Before he took his life my dad was usually absent and, when present, emotionally unpredictable and quick to scream. My mom was neglectful and verbally/emotionally abusive, but disguised most of it as "teasing." Her MO was basically to bully us out of needing her. I was parentified to take care of my violent younger brother. My grandma was a child therapist who gaslit me into thinking my mom was the best and I just needed to try harder to take care of my mom and to accept the way she expresses love (through having no boundaries and bullying us worse than any classmate.)

I left home at 18 and my mom has never tried to talk to me once. I spent a long time dissociating and blaming myself. I learned about CPTSD last year and it really got me started on trying to heal, it has not been easy. I reconnected with my older brother, and I learned our high school stepdad had once tried to push him down the stairs, and our mom knew and explained it away. He said our grandma had slapped him, emotionally abused him and that all her "advice" was just ways she taught us to cover for our mom's neglect (and I have reason to agree in retrospect.) It was just so much worse than I thought it was, and it deeply scared me to realize that my mom cared so little about us that she wouldn't care if someone tried to hurt us. My grandma cut me out and sent a drunken, angry rant about my brother and I to the grandpa I am still close to (grandma's ex husband, they are my moms parents) and blocked us both, which has me feeling really weird. She spent years playing like fairy grandmother and the message was quite bitter and angry.

As for me and where I'm at; I struggle a lot with constant fear. After learning about the stepdad, I had an intense nightmare that was so upsetting I struggled to eat the entire day. I have trouble keeping my emotions in check. I feel physical dread and fear almost every second of the day and it is exhausting. I feel like a pot about to boil over. I just want to be able to live and breathe. I am tired of my inner critic stopping me from expressing myself and I am tired of being so afraid of people that I can't even ask my boss a question without feeling intense fear. I have a boyfriend of 10 years who is truly in love with me and has supported me through everything, and I want to enjoy our life together. I fought for this calm, supportive life and I want to live it. I found Pete Walker's books helpful and want to try inner child work. I took up the bass guitar to help express myself. I want to feel allowed to speak and express myself, and I want to rid myself of the constant guilt I feel for not being "useful" enough. I just want to be able to talk to people and feel as "allowed to be here" as anyone else.

Hopefully this isn't too long! Thank you for reading.