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Thanks dolly. 

I realised yesterday it is mothers day this Sunday and so had a headache all day and felt tense.
No headache today so far thank goodness.

I have told FOO I need space and guess they won't take that as I meant it. They already said they will ring in 2 weeks - I did not have the energy to put them right at the time. It is exhausting.

I don't know what others do for mothers day. Adult me has had enough and does not want to send a card; I feel totally manipulated and I feel much anger around the idea of sending one. Little me is afraid of the consequences.
 
My husband does not really get it but I know will support me. It is hard that he doesn't get it but he does love me and trust me. Sometimes I get scared and I wonder if she will be able to wreck my marriage but after over 20 years, I guess that is unlikely.
 
I am angry with my FOO. No interest in me but they want a card because a card means everything is OK and there is no external show of their dysfunction. Tired of all the games. I have seen all my mother's sides, I know her.

My mother said she was afraid I'd eat her when she came round last autumn. All I have ever done is try to love and care for her. My 2 year old knows she is a monster but is unable to tell me directly quite why ( I know in my body that she is). The victim mentality she has really does my head in and little one and I just get traumatised again. It took a month for the flashbacks to settle after that last visit.

Little one is sad. She wants her mum but not that mum. She is a good girl but FOO will say she is a bad girl if I don't send a card but I am not a bad girl. Mum will always hate me and I don't know why. Maybe cos I seen her bad side? I did not ever really do anything wrong. I am sorry it is this way. I did try for 50 years.

This feels like a ramble of thoughts today but I usually think everything through and have to be careful so it nice not to be a little bit.

I would like to draw a Magical Sparkley Wishing Well today. Feel free to use it too if you'd like. Apart from little one and I are wishing this would all go away, I am wishing for Peace in my Heart ❤ whatever happens going forward in this life.

My little one just feels the need to say sorry. She is sorry for existing and sorry it has all been so hard.

She deserves so much love and kindness. Adult me also struggling but will cuddle her and hold and take care of us both I guess for now, going forward and always. This brings to mind:
'If the universe/your God can hold the world, it can sure hold you'.

If you have read this, thank you.
With much love,



S

NarcKiddo - big love and smiles for you...

Thank you Hope67, that makes us happy. Hugs are most definitely ok with us!
 
Shedea

Hi and 

My inner 2 year old feels able to be with me now I have stopped doing a very scary job and have told one my FOO that I need space.

I am glad she is here. She has things to tell me whichever way and whenever she chooses. I love her and I have missed her. My heart aches for her and I do not know how she has managed all these years (48 of them) alone.

Whatever happened (I know in my body what happened) I am here for her now and am with her and I will take care of her.

Today she has shown me much exhaustion and fear. She wants to just rest until she feels like getting up again but adult me has to do some functioning too. We did a bit of both today. I feel how exhausted she is. I want to give her all the time I can. Though I will need to shop tomorrow for food.

I love you little one. I am sorry that you have been alone so long. I know you are a good sweet girl and there are so many things that shouldn't have happened to you. You are amazing and I am going to look after you and keep you safe now. I know you feel terrified but I am here for you - I will hold you, cuddle you and be with you always. I promise.

She is smiling as she likes the fact she is important enough to write about. This is our space and she can be seen here as she wishes.

I hope that we can find fun things to do too. I am thinking some colouring, playing her Disney game... we will keep thinking. We watched some cartoons today.

If she could, she would draw the tallest sunflower with the happiest and brightest of smiles to end this message.

And if she could, she would hide this sunflower for you to find when you are feeling sad or alone so it could brighten your day with Sunflower Love.

Thank you and with love,

Shedea 

Thanks Blueberry x
 

Hi Blueberry and NarcKiddo.
Thank you for your replies.
I have settled a bit. I agree, my instinct when settled is to not tell them anything. They will expect a phone call and they want me to have an emotional reaction. I am not going to give them either. I am so tired of all the drama and gameplaying. It is so hard to deal with. I just want to love and be loved. They can't do that -how very sad this is.
 I am angry as they tried coming at me through my husband. My little girl inside is upset. However I have said to her we don't have to contact them and I bought her/me a cup with a shining sun and rainbow on it; it says 'Shine All Day' on the rainbow. She has me to love her/be with her now. I am going to give her cuddles and lots of love today and forget about them. The cup is to remind her she is loved and to keep shining.
I have agreed with my husband that he doesn't answer his phone or passes the phone to me. I will just put it down then probably.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your replies so very much.
  love S x

Hi don't know what to do.
My dad has rung my husband's mobile not mine (and on valentines day). I don't know what to do. Applying the flying monkey pressure. I feel so angry. Maybe I just need to tell them not to ring. Maybe I need to tell them I find them abusive and suffer from complex PTSD. But I know they will twist everything. My heart breaks again. Not doing anything now about it. I am going to go and buy some paella rice to cook my husband his favourite meal. My mum really is a piece of work.
Sorry to rant.
Very interesting they do this on valentines day. And phone my husband and not me.
Love to you all S x

Hi, thank you for your replies.
Paper doll - thank you. It is hard but am feeling better about it today. They did say they will contact me in the next few months if a suitable post comes up, so I guess that is positive. Been thinking of turning the phone back on but started feeling anxious at the thought so have left it for now. Thanks again x

Armee -thanks for your post and understanding. Fortunately the flashback hasn't been ongoing and has settled. I think keeping the phone off has helped with this too so leaving it off for now. Though I feel a bit like a coward doing this.

NarcKiddo - thank you. It never goes well discussing anything to do with how I feel. So yes there is little point but sometimes I wonder whether if I say I was abused as I have above in my original post then I am speaking up for little me. As long as I don't try to explain or justify etc.they won't accept this but I will have said my truth. Terrified of doing this though.

I remember when I was trying to talk about my feelings some years ago with my dad: he said (hyperventilating and very distressed) something like 'It is not as if you've been abused or anything'. The way he said it was like it couldn't possibly be true. Maybe he was distressed he may be found out. My mum has said this too over the years. I remember I instantly shut off inside and went numb.
It would be easier in lots of ways to just continue to keep the phone permanently off.
Just thoughts not sure what is best all round.
Wishing you all peace and love
  S x

Hi
I have recently had two rejections from 2 different jobs both of which I thought I could be happy in. One about a month ago and the other yesterday. It feels like they are saying no, you don't deserve to be happy - you are not wanted and not good enough.

 I turned our phone off about a week ago as my mother knew I was having a tough time and then wanted to make it all about her. In the conversation I just cut her off as I did not want her to get any reaction from me but I also didn't want to pretend she wasn't hurtful. I just cannot deal with her at the moment. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused as a child and the emotional abuse is ongoing. I have not verbalised any of this to them and I suppose I am colluding by not speaking up but they don't really listen much to anything I have to say in conversation anyway.
 
  I have been in a tough place with an emotional flashback this evening where I felt terrified and now am feeling generally unsafe.

Thank you for reading. I am feeling very alone and find it difficult to actually talk/ make sound when having emotional flashbacks.

S

Thank you Larry 

Hi, storyworld and NarcKiddo.
I feel sad and exhausted so I don't have much to say but want to thank you for your posts and say that I appreciate them very much. My very best wishes, S

Thank you Hope, Hi to you 

Papa Coco, thanks for your thoughts on memories, I struggle with this too.

Having another flashback this evening. Not sure of the trigger ? Cigarette smoke smell ? Tummy pains.
My very best wishes,S

Thank you Papa Coco for your kind and insightful words. I believe my brain is protecting me too. I am not ready, though I don't know if I ever will be but that feels ok.


I have had been struggling for a long time and have gradually come to do my best to increase my awareness and loving kindness for all that I experience over the years.
Recently, I have some awareness that anything that comes is not who I am and will go again. That my innermost being is not touched by what happened or my FOO and this, though tentative, has started to bring me some peace which is really what I have been looking for all these years.

With my memory, I know what I think happened, I know what it feels like is happening when I am in an EF and I have sensations in my body that seem to tell me also. Some years ago I had a moment of total clarity: I felt like every cell in my body was telling me all at the same time in unison and I knew it to be true instinctively. Still I am not ready.

I think there is also something around feeling like I (would) need to justify to other people my feelings/ pain with picture memories to be believed. My OH says he believes me but also says he is keeping an open mind, which then feels like he doesn't. I think he'd like to think it doesn't happen as it is unimaginable. It does happen though but I understand his feelings as part of me also feels the same. Feels like if it is not a picture memory it can't be true.....  but then maybe that is a helpful thought at the moment.
Not sure if I am rambling now,  I don't know. I feel a bit confused, sorry. I hope what I have written is ok - there is a feeling of doing something wrong. Maybe that is just because of sharing and I am not used to it. Thank you for the space to write, S

Hi there, 

Thank you so much for your supportive replies - I am very grateful. Thank you also for the hugs,they really help (I felt starved of these growing up).

I have come out of my EF now. I was triggered by a visit from family. I tend to put on a brave face when I see them but afterwards I am so all over the place with EF, it scares me. This recent visit was 4 weeks ago.

The only person I talk to and have told is my OH. He does not  really understand but loves me anyway-  .
So it is a relief to be on this forum and to be amongst people who really get it.

My issues are from childhood. There is one particular EF which is terrifying - I am about 3 or 4 and I can't remember the pictures, though tbh I am not sure I want to  .

Once again, thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it means a whole lot.

 S.

Thanks Papa Coco