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[TRIGGER WARNING: I do NOT tell anyone what to believe, but in the following responses I come clean and explain what I do personally believe. If spirituality is a difficult topic for you, you might want to forgo reading my responses in Blue/Bold.]

TRIGGER WARNING: I do NOT tell anyone what to believe, but in the following responses I come clean and explain what I do personally believe. If spirituality is a difficult topic for you, you might want to forgo reading my responses in Blue/Bold.

StartingHealing: My problem is that when I get started on any "beyond-the-physical" conversation, I can start to sound real crazy real fast. In order to stay within the rules of how we talk spirituality on the forum, I need to address these ideas without breaking the rules of political correctness. Like I said, I can sound real crazy real fast. I've experienced some miracles that cannot be explained by any other method than that there is a force that bonds us all together, and that force is far, far, far bigger than any religion can even reach.

PC, Thank you.  I've listened to a lot of Alan Watts and I kinda have my own understanding of what Zen is.  I'm a practical dude so that is where my perspective is. How do I apply it?  How does it help me?  How does anything spiritual help me?    I've ran across some info about Freud that is not good at all and based on his warped outlook (there are indications that he was groomed as a child) and having friends that were pedo's, yeah.  I think that is why Jung went his own way.  Course Jung was not disabused of sexual relations with gals not his wife.  yeah.  I find both very sus if you know what I mean.  I do savvy that at the time the psychotherapy was trying to become more "scientific" however, you have to start thinking about assumptions you know? How much were they influenced by the science of the the day?  Obviously the removal of "spirit" from things was a major mistake.  On the flip side the typical beliefs of the 3 major religions that come out of the middle east has their issues as well.  To me there are serious issues with the dogma of the big three.  Personal opinion.  I know that certain people require that framework in order for them to have the structure they require for a decent life. I was raised Catholic for 20 years. Then I spent 20 more looking for the "right" dogma. I've spent the last 23 years no longer identifying as Christian or attached to any dogma. I have had far too many miracles happen to believe there isn't some sort of unseen force bonding us all together, but I no longer feel the need to have a church intervene between myself and spirit.  

Have you checked out sacred-texts.com?  Great resource No. I'll check it out though. Right now I'm still absorbing the amazing philosophies I got out of the 2014 movie Lucy with Scarlette Johnason and Morgan Freeman. VERY enlightening.

Time. That MF-ing thing!!!  Here something to consider.  Our sense of time could be based only on how our senses work.  There is also the concept that all events in time all exist in the present moment but we cannot access all points because we are here to learn certain things spiritually.  Then that brings in the idea of soul development and possible soul contracts and all that stuff which to me is a cool thought experiment.  us humans are story creating machines PC.  It's what we do.  I have a devil of a time with feeling a feeling and NOT attaching a "story" to that feeling.  But then that brings into question what are emotions?  Time is a human anchor. Without it we cease to exist in our present physical state. We use Time to believe we have control over our physical reality. Same with numbers. Imagine knowing that even numbers themselves don't exist in the greater universe. That they only have one physical purpose, and that is to give us physical measures. With time and numbers, we can continue to be physical beings. When we leave these two forces, we become one with everything, everywhere, all at once. We lose all unique identity and, with that, all physical control and are reabsorbed back into a universe that we can only accept but cannot control. That's why we struggle to not think about an existence void of time and numbers. This eeks us toward our greatest human fear: Annihilation. (My opinion).  A very powerful meditation is one where we explore giving up everything we know about existence and allowing the Universe to show us the shapeless, formless energy that isn't controllable through time or measures. (See what I mean? I can sound kind of crazy when I really start opening up). 

Indeed.  I have spent many a hour puzzling over all this stuff. Me as well. Most of my meditations are me trying to let go of my personal identity and feel my formless, shapeless existence in the greater universe. I describe my life as a 63 year and counting existential crisis. My earliest cognitive memory is being 2 years-eleven months old, and meeting my little sister on the day she was born. I asked why her name was Angela, and was told by my FOO, "Because, look at her, she looks like an angel." I've been searching for God ever since. Even my given name, James, means "he who searches for God" or "He who walks at the heels of God."

I too had the past being a weight on me.  when I realized that the past is a story that I have created around the events / emotions that I have went through.  That is why reframing is so powerful.  I repeated the new story that I was a survivor not a victim to my circumstances. As an example:

By the Gods! I am here now and I have not only survived events that have driven others into psychopathy, I have also survived physical events that have killed others!  So blessed am I.  So blessed am I.  I've been working on reframing my past also. I am who I am today because of my past. And, even through all the pain, I still like being who I am. I used to say my FOO did this stuff TO me. I now thank them for their service in creating a life that would lead me to where I am now. I now say my FOO did this stuff FOR me. Like we had a contract to lead me to be who I am right now, and they faithfully behaved in ways that drove me to be who I am.  My therapist reports that in his experience, people with Trauma disorders from childhood are the most spiritual of all his patients. That makes sense to me. People who think they're happy in meaningless, pain-free lives, have no reason to search for happiness beyond the hedonistic treadmill that has lulled them to sleep. We were not given an easy ride, so we didn't settle into being happy about the world we live in, so we have devoted our lives to searching for true happiness beyond the world of money and fluff and candy and gum. We weren't numbed by having a lot of fun on the hedonistic treadmill that the lucky people get to coast on.

since I have went through what I have, that has helped shape me into the kick-a55 person that I am today.  And I'm still not done   I feel the same way!

Neither are you PapaCoco. You are not done.  We are all damaged in some manner. The concept of the wounded healer comes to mind.  I'm not responsible for certain events that I've went through, yet somehow I'm responsible for the healing from them. Our nervous systems are based on a differential engine. We can only know happiness because we also know pain. Where some believe that people who suffer can find happiness, others believe that ONLY people who have suffered can find true happiness. We have a differential: We have experienced suffering so therefore we can recognize and appreciate the absence of suffering. This sort of helps us to understand when a super-lucky, famous, wealthy, goodlooking person ends their own life, or falls deep into crushing addiction. Because life isn't any easier for the coddled people than it is for the struggling people.

Take a look into the current thoughts concerning quantum theory.  Typically the our understanding is past -> present -> future but now the future influences the present and the past.  Spooky action at distance.  Welcome to quantum weirdness.  However, when placed into a spiritual aspect then it makes total sense.  Not to mention that consciousness is a quantum state as it's a non local.  I'll leave that for your consideration. I can take this weirdness even further. The speed of light is our speed limit. 188,000 feet per second. It's very fast, but it's a limit. If I'm in a room with you, sitting across the table, I can only see you as you were a split second ago, because my eyes have to wait for your light to travel to me. Albeit it feels instantaneous, but it's not. Being with you is caught in an immeasurably short, physical time delay. So, while we are in human form, we cannot completely share the present moment with each other. We have to wait for the speed of sound to deliver words, so that we can hear each other and for the speed of light to bring us our visual so that we can see each other. I believe that "God" is found in the present moment, which is where past meets future, but that because we still adhere to time and speed and numbers of measure, we can't quite enter that present moment. We can get very, very close. But for us to finally slip into the crack between human past and human future, we literally have to completely shed our bodies, and our belief in time and numbers and measures. We have to be willing to give up our unique identity in order to join the shapeless expanse of unified space.  Okay...Have I convinced you that I can sound real crazy once I dig into this stuff?

Meditation is a means to commune with Spirit, but meditation is also focused attention so when are you in flow?  Isn't flow a Zen state?  Isn't being in awe of a sunrise a Zen state?  What I have found is that for me, seeking the state of pure awareness is great but I can get into a similar state when I get into flow, or I am struck by beauty and fall into awe. I don't believe that sin is a punishable action. I think sin is anything that doesn't move us toward God. I also don't believe in a judgmental universe. So if we want to just live out this life memorizing sports scores, drinking beer, fishing, and ignoring climate change, then that's just fine. But I've personally grown bored with the meaningless life of living on the hedonistic treadmill. I judge no one. I personally prefer to continue owning up to my namesake, James, and my endless search for meaning, and for moving through this contract that I must have made somewhere with someone. I don't judge others for their beliefs. My own beliefs change from time to time. Here's a personal list of what I believe today: I believe in spirit guides. I believe in life after death. I believe in contracts. I believe that our consciousness does not die with our bodies, but that it recycles on one form or another. I believe in Karma. I believe Karma is erased once we understand that we are not bound to it. I believe in miracles. I believe in aliens. I believe the bible has massive wisdom in it, but that wisdom is mixed in with a lot of foolishness. I don't believe the bible is the word of god. I believe we are the word of god. Even the bible says that in the beginning was the word and the word was with god and the word was god. We were in the beginning with God. By his word, we were created. Even though I just said "he", in reality I believe God is more of a force than it is a man. I believe God is the creative bonding force of consciousness across all of creation. I hope this isn't pushing the boundary of how we are discouraged from talking about religion. I'm not judging. I'm not trying to make anyone believe what I believe. I just want to be open and transparent as to who I am and where I come frome when I write.

True but our perceptions can be changed and that is to me key.  If our perception is only this 3d realm that leads to certain conclusions while knowing that we don't know all the circumstances around events that we have gone through allows the possibility that our perception could be mistaken. Agreed   

Wishing you all the best PC
Blessings be unto you good sir
And unto you as well

TW: Spirituality talk.

I find your takes fascinating on spirituality, and very similar to my own. For large parts I felt like I was reading a speech by myself. I know it can seem crazy, especially when you have spiritual beliefs which are so detailed while so far removed from mainstream religions, but I see your internal logic.

I'm currently trying to cut ties with my family. I still live with them, though I can afford to move out. This is because of the toxic codependent dynamic at home which makes communicating very difficult.

It's also in me. My instincts over the years have conditioned in such a way that certain simple things are very difficult - the conversations I'm trying to have now are among them. It feels like nothing's happening. Days pass, weeks pass, and the conflict's at the same point because I can't bring myself to override my instincts, and our dance repeats with permanent relief from them always two steps away in a situation where two steps involve two hundred steps, alternating forward and back.

My novel is progressing. I still slow, but it will be done this Spring unless I get severely off course. I said that to myself last Winter, but with only five scenes left, I believe it's beyond the realm of realism that I keep it in limbo for another three months.

CraneWings,

I'm just checking in. Are you still doing your three pages each morning? Are they still helping? I'm still doing mine. The wisdom and direction I get from them is priceless. I hope you find them to be helpful to you as well.

Whether the papers are still in your day or not, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're finding your comfortable place here on the forum and in your other healing ventures.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

Hey there Papa Coco. I continued them for a while, and found great benefit. I have admittedly dropped off since, but it was a very positive thing for me. Thank you for checking.

I also find this forum to be a good place where I can talk safely. I have come back after a long absence, and look forward to more progress.

Hey Larry, it's great that you have hobbies like gardening. And good job not drinking while at the bar. That sounds like an emotionally loaded call with a lot of potential pain, I wish you luck.

I find that visualising a call going well repeatedly, and complimenting myself for it in the buildup, can make it easier. Though that's just my experience.

Mary Ann, that sounds like a lot of pain for you. I appreciate you sharing your story.

I can personally relate to your untreated teeth for several years. My dad was the main point of conflict on this topic, and while not as severe, my teeth do stand out as miscoloured and overcrowded with some fully out of alignment. For me, it's the anticipation of showing them to someone and how it might affect my reputation with them, more than showing them. If I meet you in real life, I'll laugh loudly and smile often. But if I met you online, I'll keep my mouth closed in every picture. A maximum of one online friend knows how my teeth actually look, and I'm so insecure about the reveal that I won't arrange meetings with any until I've had them completely restored.

Thank you, Blueberry. And it's good to know that about bumping old topics - I had a comment on a very old one, but held back as I didn't know the bumping etiquette.

I've been working with Tbe Artist's Way, as recommended by Papa Coco. The morning pages feel good, so I did another three at night. I'm now on day two.

I can see how I let myself get distracted in the past, and now I'm wise enough to rise above those decisions.

For me, there's a certain uncertainty to the new environment. When I was younger, the setting I put myself in felt very punk, for lack of a better description. I didn't fit the mainstream and didn't want to, and when someone said they don't judge and can listen to anything, due to the nature of our interactions, it was clear they meant it. Where I am now, some people still do. But many just mean within their ambiguous boundary of what they consider decent.

 It'll be good to analyse that past setting, and see how I can bring its benefits into the present.

Thank you for your reply, Blueberry. It's a great comfort to see. I wish you well, and will look at your journal soon. It's good that you're progressing, even through the fatigue.


And thank you, Papa Coco. I read a small amount of your journal, and noticed your concern over making posts too long. I'll echo what others have said and say, I appreciate your style of posting. The length never detracts, and adds to what feels like your style, from my perspective. I'm also a writer with past interest in being a comedian, and a massive extrovert, so I relate a lot to the ways of thinking related to that.

I feel better today. I think watching movies has been therapeutic. A few years ago, I used to talk about the most ridiculous and wild topics with friends - it was all honest and raw. Then I dated my ex for around a year, and became quite obsessive. Someone more experienced would tell that I wasn't in control, but I wasn't experienced, so I made a range of mistakes and isolated myself from my friend group for a while.

But I knew how the relationship was developing. Even though I was spending all day with her whenever I could, I knew neither of us were treating the situation in a healthy way. From the day I agreed to date her onward, I woke up feeling heavy. I'm used to being full of energy and drive, but I felt physically heavy at the start of the day. I went from taking a second to get out of bed to taking several hours. My body knew I was getting into a very stressful situation for some time, but I ignored the signal and pressed on.

When I ended the relationship and got back in touch with friends, I was emotionally raw - and understandably, I wad in that relationship for a year. I also hadn't accounted for the fact that, I'd been learning good new things from that extreme, and so I'd changed. But also, everyone else had changed, and not necessarily for their benefit.

Every time a person made a projection or misunderstanding of me, I felt it more deeply, but didn't comment on it. My instinct to comment on it wasn't active, as if I'd become used to just automatically taking it after all those months. The wild nature of conversation was there, but not in the same way - the raw sincerity behind absurd humour was now absurd humour taken on its own, with the knowledge that nobody understood where I was coming from, or what I was trying to say, and neither did I half the time. My thoughts focused on certain aspects of the relationship and whirlpooled for days, circling and unmoving, as I had a constant sense of an unsolved mystery. I don't leave things incomplete when they matter to me. So I researched half the day every day to figure out my feelings, while filling every spare hour with people I no longer had anything deep in common with to stay out of my head when I wasn't analysing it.

I did figure it out, and that's another post. This is already getting huge.

I found someone I can have a clearer type of conversation with. It's not as sincere as my interactions were five years ago, but it's positive, and I'll develop it further.

And I've started watching movies regularly. After socialising while feeling constantly alone for so long, I think I underestimated the therapeutic power of seeing a person on the screen, having no labels placed on me, and just relating to their emotions and understanding the things I see.

Hey everyone. I just noticed this part of the forum, and I have a lot of past thoughts which either weren't explored or weren't fully explored, and would likely flood the forum if I went on a tangent every reply.

So I'll do my talking to myself here, and I'm grateful to anyone who reacts and responds to it.

Even if you found some of yourself in my writing but don't know what to say about it, or how to say it, even telling me you did would be a huge favour in my eyes, as I'm used to nobody understanding me. Having the confirmation that someone did is huge.

I believe in always staying positive and exploring new options. But my instincts feel so exhausted for the past few years, without major change, that it doesn't feel emotionally rewarding. I know it's right to keep improving with new methods, but I feel tired. I feel worn and rusted. I wake up indifferent because I don't know how to feel better while I allow my plans to progress.

When I was at my most emotionally hurt, the friends I spoke to didn't know where I was coming from, and all had their inaccurate guesses. I didn't know how to respond, so at the time I felt more in pain and alone for a while each time.

I have a lot of scenes to unpack, and it's going to be very train of thought. Thank you for being here.

Welcome to the forum, Jen. I hope you find peace and relief.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Papa Coco. It sounds like you were really struggling to create because of your FOO.

I relate to that, and I also plan to go No Contact as soon as possible. Once this piece is complete and I can go elsewhere without complication, I will. It's a good future to focus on.

I relate to your writer's block, and I think it's great that you took action, and did what you believed was best for your mental health.

I'll look into The Artist's Way as well. I'm feeling more focused today, and might complete my first hour long shift in weeks. It's exciting.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling, Cassandra. It sounds like you've been in pain for a long time.

I hope you find peace and safety here. Welcome.

Thank you for the welcome, everyone. You're very kind.

I currently feel stressed, because I feel stuck. I'm working on a large creative project, and reached the second half, but I feel so drained that most days I either don't touch it, or barely touch it. I know the quality of the project is very high, but I still can't bring myself to it. The start was easier, and I got gradually more inconsistent.

I've started to get demotivated, because my living situation is currently with some family members who are triggering. And there's a large financial payout after this project, which would allow me to go somewhere comfortable. I love the thing I'm making, and the freedom I'll gain after I finish it. But for that, I need to finish it.

I feel tired and anxious when people ask me how it's going. It's a normal and positive conversation topic, but I just say something vague, like it's going well or I'm working hard. Which I am, but not in the sense that I'm working many hours. I'm working hard to even show up. On a productive day, I manage to take a few notes, watch a movie, and socialise as a distraction.

Welcome, Giovanni. I'm sorry to hear you experienced such pain. I hope you find peace and healing.

Hey there. I'm new to CPTSD communities, and have only spoken about this in sporadic parts to different people.

My mother has narcissistic symptoms, and my parents had a codependent marriage. I wasn't close to anyone growing up, and was aware nobody in my family or school would accept my honest personality. My dad has always been needy and possessive. He will overstep your boundaries daily and often if you let him. He physically assaulted me once, but my issues with both parents are mostly emotional abuse.

(TW: sexual abuse)
I dated an old friend as a teenager. It complicated as her mental health issues became gradually clear, and a few months later, it felt like the dynamic had changed in a significant way without my consent. My own inexperience contributed, and I didn't know how to respond until things were already out of hand. She also had PTSD from an SA she experienced as a child, and heavily codependent tendencies.

I feel I've made progress, but there are points where I still get overwhelmed often. I look forward to learning about my C-PTSD symptoms and being more honest. If it's not against any rules, I'll mention more detail in this topic at later dates.