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I logged on yesterday because I wanted to journal. I was feeling anxiety about it and decided that's why I should do it - I encouraged myself kindly, rather than demand  I didn't journal in the end because I was so completely floored by the comments and responses to my ramblings. I really didn't expect it and each time I read one of the responses I just had to take some time out because I was crying so much. But healing tears once again 

I came on this morning to thank everyone. I don't have the mental bandwidth at the moment to respond to you each individually and I hope that doesn't undermine in any way - my immense gratitude. So thank you to:
@dollyvee
@NarcKiddo
@PapaCoco
@natureluvr

Thanks to each of you for your kind, thoughtful, encouraging comments and your hugs. They have touched me soooooooooo much and I really appreciate them    It's been another tough week and I'll leave it there for now 

[TRIGGER WARNING CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT, BUT POSSIBLY TRIGGERING EMOTIONS]

TRIGGER WARNING CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT, BUT POSSIBLY TRIGGERING EMOTIONS

I can't believe it's one month since I logged on to this forum. The days are not easy but they still just seem to disappear so quickly for me. By the afternoon I'm usually brain-dead anyway due to back pain and the continual processing that's going on in my mind. Continual rollercoaster!! That's what healing is for me. And most of the time it's really NOT an enjoyable ride. But I do know and recognise that I am choosing to be here. I want to heal. And having good days, good insights and even periods where I am feeling good and coming to terms with many things – these are the things are keeping me going. But right now I'm going through a tough period again.

It's Saturday today and last Saturday I spent the entire day crying, even sobbing at times – but it was healing and I felt my shame almost "dissolving". It was very powerful and felt amazing! I even wrote a poem that I felt was powerful and I think I'll post it in the poems section - need to celebrate every win!!! And share them I think - because they're important. However, since Tuesday my back pain has flared up to the point that I really can't do much of anything and I'm just feeling very low and flat. I was triggered on Tuesday. All it took was a curt email from my (soon to be ex) husband – nothing strong or aggressive, just enough to make me feel hurt and realise once more that there is absolutely NO caring or consideration for me whatsoever. Now that I can also see the patterns that existed continually through our marriage, it hurts a lot to know that he never really loved me. That was the trigger but of course it taps into engrained feelings/emotions that stem from childhood. It's still hard to ascertain exactly WHAT I'm feeling – apart from just being low. I do think that in the past I would be feeling suicidal right now and I don't – so that truly is a big improvement. Intellectually I recognise that and I'm holding onto that realisation like a banner. Although I feel like I've taken a step backward again, I'm still moving forward. Even if it's only an inch at a time.

I had a dream last night, that my Uncle Fred came and knocked on the door. And I opened it. Because I was too scared NOT to open the door. Everything in my mind now is telling me that I SHOULD NOT open that door. I am safe and he can only abuse me if I open the door – but thinking about it and recognising the fear, I believe that I would open the door and allow him to abuse me again. It feels TERRIBLE!!! Cognitively, I understand the patterns of my brain and how that could potentially happen. I take solace in the fact that my abusers are all dead now. But that doesn't make it easier. How on earth can I "undo" this pattern, this programming?? I've been watching Tim Fletcher's amazing videos and working my way through his long playlist on re-parenting. But right now I don't feel any inner strength or the ability to stand up for myself. Once again, I feel like a young child – who would simply comply with his demands out of fear and habit (for want of a better word!). It makes me feel worthless. I do truly know now that it wasn't my fault and there isn't the intense shame that I've always had until now. But I feel worthless. And now I'm crying again. But these tears don't feel healing.

Thanks so much for your comment PaperDoll 

So sorry to hear that you are in ICU NarcKiddo but glad you are going to receive the care you obviously need right now. Rest well and another hug  and best wishes for a speedy recovery

Hello Meanwhileup and glad that you found your way here - it's a place where you can express yourself safely amongst others who can understand and support you without judgement and with empathy. I think minimising and "playing down" our experiences is one of the most common "side effects" of suffering childhood trauma as it's a necessary coping strategy for children when they are enduring any type of neglect or abuse. Your comments...

"it wasn't that bad", "I'm over exaggerating", "other people had it much worse than me".

...are very familiar sounding and something that most of us have in common. When we finally realise that our childhood was (in fact) far removed from what we should have experienced, it brings a lot of confusion and mixed emotions - including grief, anger and a range of other emotions that we don't initially understand. As Kizzie said, finding a good trauma-informed therapist that can work through this with you is probably one of the most essential/beneficial things you can do. It's not easy - but it IS worthwhile and when you can actually start to feel some healing take place it helps to continue the journey. That's how it works for me anyway.

I'm truly sorry for all that you have gone through and are going through now. Grieving is such a big part of the healing journey so it seems you have already started - even though it may not feel like it right now. Welcome to this forum and I'm sure you will continue to find support and resources to help you progress further. In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and hope it's okay to send you a warm hug 

Spending time with a family that loves each other so much that they bend their own schedules to support each other was such a joy. I'm so, so, so proud of my son and his wife, I just can't stop thinking about it.

So...from the ashes of my own experience, I can see the beauty in what I'm witnessing. A family that supports each other. There isn't an arrogant bone in any of them. They are all supportive of each other and they are all having fun just being together.

I predict my two grandsons won't feel the need to join a trauma forum when they grow up.

It seems like you did an INCREDIBLE job being a kind, loving and supportive parent Papa Coco - which has also enabled your son to pass that on to his children. You fully deserve to feel pure joy at witnessing your beautiful family and hopefully acknowledging the role you played. Despite all you endured and how you continue to suffer, it seems you have continually extended love and kindness to those around you - in your family and on this forum. I'm glad to read that you can see that you are healing and that you feel such a positive effect from non-traditional practices. Like you, I try anything and some of the weirdest woo-woo things have helped me. Even if it's placebo effect (although I don't fully believe that!) I'll take it    I hope you continue to "ride this wave" for a while longer 

I'm very apprehensive about therapy. My T has warned me that this process may reawaken my inner critical voice and bring back my suicidal depression. That terrifies me, but I'm resolute in my decision to press on.

Hi GoSlash and reading your journal I think we are at similar points in our healing. And your nightmares resonate with me too. Thankfully they have now stopped and they have been replaced by continual flashbacks but these are now slowly being processed and released. One of the few "evident" issues I had was suicidal ideation and I have also felt scared about finding myself in that place again. But I do think that taking these brave steps with that in mind, pressing forward continuously but gently and listening to that kind, caring voice inside you will help. Even if the critical voices come out, you may choose which ones to listen to. And from what you've written you have a kind, caring and loving spirit that you can also give to yourself. I'm so glad you have a happy memory to boost you today and hope you can savour that to get through the dark periods. I'm truly starting to believe there is a bright, warm light on the other side and I hope that you, I and everyone else on this forum can find it. Sending you best wishes and a BIG 

Thank you Papa Coco  Thank you so much

[TRIGGER WARNING: CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT BUT STILL GOOD TO BE AWARE!]

TRIGGER WARNING:  CSA - NOTHING EXPLICIT BUT STILL GOOD TO BE AWARE!

Today seems a good day to start this journal. Mainly because there's probably nowhere else I can say this without being locked up!!! Maybe       

It's so strange. I really AM HEALING! I feel it happening but the journey itself is sooooo hard. Almost 2 months ago I discovered I have Structural Dissociation. I was never able to connect with my inner child but a few months ago it happened for the first time – only to realise I have inner children. Different ages trapped in time with their memories and the pain of those events. It makes perfect sense to me – it would have been way too much for any "one mind" to cope with. I've spent a lot of time over the years being angry or just simply despairing with my brain and all the flashbacks etc.... but now I'm in awe. And so appreciative of the ingenious way my brain adapted to help me survive – and even succeed to some extent – what was a horrific childhood. So I've started connecting with them.

Just over a year ago I started getting full flashbacks again – the virtual reality kind where it's like getting into a time capsule and you're there once again. With every microscopic visual detail appearing sooooo strongly. My therapist said that's a sign of dissociating at the time. Every bit of new knowledge and understanding like that also helps me. Not instantly but gradually. 2 weeks ago I went into a full emotional flashback of a particular event – one that's been in my nightmares my whole life and replaying most days for the last year. This time there was no visuals but the emotions were overwhelming. Pure terror! And physical pain throughout my body. This was the FIRST time that a) I really KNEW it was a flashback even while it was happening. I'm safe and knew that. And b) I stayed with the emotions so they could release. It was 2 days of pure * and in the end I had to schedule an emergency session with my therapist as I felt my mind was actually slipping away. But she is amazing and helped me realise I'm still ok – even that was just a feeling from the past. What would have happened at the time.

When I was 8 I endured a particularly vicious rape by my father. I haven't been able to talk about it for years. Not even with my therapist – it's like my throat is blocked. But I did write a poem about it 1½ years ago and now I realise that my nightmares stopped around then too – for the first time in my life ever!!!! But I shared my poem recently with a couple of people I trust – after asking their permission. That alone triggered me massively but it's also helped a lot. I no longer feel that I AM shame! I'm still full of it    but that's a definite improvement.

The last few days I really wasn't well. Lots of physical pain. And I was trying to connect with my 8-year old and failing. But I realised she's exhausted. Wiped out from reliving this event. And yesterday I felt the physical pains of the aftermath in my body. I was shaking with back pain but even more from the build-up of (what felt like) poisonous emotions just rushing around my system. And I felt so sick. I was stuck lying sideways on the sofa, unable to move and just wishing there was a way to release it from my body – and then the vomit came. I have chronic back pain anyway for 20+ years after a car accident and started using cannabis a few years ago for that. It is BY FAR the most effective painkiller I've ever used and I ditched all my opioids completely 2 years ago. But I've found cannabis to also be invaluable in helping me process everything. I use it wisely and I'm still amazed how it helps my brain to somehow help things fit into place. It was also the first way I was able to actually feel my emotions – at least to understand what they were, as opposed to just overwhelm and panic. I really believe it's such a strong medicine for the mind. At least for me, I wouldn't have been able to make the progress I have without cannabis. I needed it yesterday for the back pain and ultimately it has released so much more.

So today I'm going to rest again. I just cleaned up the mess and that's all that needed to be done. My 8-year old is still totally floored. And I'm feeling that too. So maybe today we will be able to connect  But lots of rest needed today for both of us.

Sweet dreams. It's warm and safe and there are hammocks here. 

Thanks Armee - I had the best sleep in over a week - I shall have to visit more often 

Hello Kizzie 
Could you please add me to this journal section? I'm hoping it will incentivise me to journal more regularly. Thanks

Hello TriciaB and I'm sorry for what you have had to endure and glad that you found your way to this group of warm-hearted, compassionate and understanding souls. You're in the right place to continue your healing 

Welcome Wetsand and sorry you're having such a hard time. Similarly, I joined this forum last year and logged on today for the first time in months - but so glad I did. The support from everyone is wonderful and I've found a number of resources that are really helping my healing. I hope you find what you need here 

My username is BecomingMe because just last year I discovered that I had actually married my mother's "cosmic twin" and that I have been a puppet my entire life. I'm in the process of divorcing my husband of 30+ years who told me (in one of his moments of enlightenment) that he has always known exactly how to trigger me to get what he wants. I'm working full-time on my healing at the moment and see more and more patterns in all aspects of my life. Sooooooooooooo it's taken me some time to fully realise the damage caused by my FOO but I'm doing the repair work now    Most people outside of a forum like this haven't got a clue just HOW HARD the journey of healing is - but I'm motivated because I will finally learn who I am and live my life without others pulling my strings. I am  Becoming Me 

I stopped by today for the first time and it feels good to be with everyone else here. I'm crying a lot but healing tears and I don't feel as alone as i have been. I may even be able to sleep tonight