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I identify with this. For me, I think it's also a partly learned behaviour where, growing up in a family of narcissists, the truth was very elastic. I was never allowed my own reality which makes me question it, which makes me at times be unsure of myself and others take this as "not telling the truth" or trying to be sneaky etc.

Thanks dolly for the kind response. 

Again, welcome to the forum and as you see from PapaCoco's story, you'll find people here who do understand, and you being here and sharing what you have been through and are going through is helpful to others, too.

Thanks Armee for supportively responding. 
I find that lack of any response leaves me wondering if I am understood, cared for, etc.

Papa coco

The statement that everyone else is wrong (not your statement) seems hyperbolic.
 
But it makes me want to clarify...   I am/was referring to doing what I think is right when being pressured to do something else.  Like the boss who tries to talk me into stealing food from the cafeteria.  I refuse, but am somewhat torn because I am also being disobedient to an authority that can make my work-life more difficult.

I'm thankful to you for sharing this story because sometimes I need to know that I'm not the only person who has lived through what I've lived through also.

WOW! I have never known of anyone with a history even remotely similar to mine before.  Although I am very sorry to hear that it happened to you.  Still it validates my story in a way, with those who say I must have imagined it, that it could never have happened, that I must not be telling the whole truth.

So much of what you say parallels my story.  Not understanding what it meant, working to keep it compartmentalized in my life, wanting honesty to be fully transparent, deep seated fear that the "world" may just turn on me at any moment.

left me always sure that I am one mistake away

I believe that doing what is right in your eyes is never a mistake.  When we do not do what others want, some will get very nasty or manipulative as a result.  But I have to live with my conscience.  If I do what others want when it does not seem right I will feel guilt and those very same people will see that and try to use it.  When I do what I see as right I can and will defend that no matter how much it results in being hated or punished. For example, refusing to admit to offenses I have not done no matter what the consequences of refusal bring.
 

5. . My father made me feel...

My father was aloof, distant, stoic...unless we were doing something together.
Would let me tag along when he went fishing, trapping and sometimes when hunting.   Use to fall trees and cut up the wood for firewood with him.  We would cut trees for people for no cost as long as we got most of the wood.  Would skin and prepare his hides from trapping to sell.
 

4. When my mother was angry, she would...

Yell and send me to my room, or outside if the weather was good.  There I would read, or work on a hobby or take a walk in the woods.

. My childhood home felt...

My childhood home felt safe.  Away from the threats, the hatred, the slander.  I had no neighbors, just family and the mountains all around.

Giving this a try. 
Fully expressing my thoughts in a safe place seems to help. 

Taking the first question suggested...
. My greatest fear as a child was...

My greatest fear as a child (teenager) was that the people around me in a group, a crowd, would at any moment turn on me.  With slander, threats, hatred, spitting, shoving, grabbing, etc. 
Then not tell me why they were doing it.  Typical excuse was "how should I know".  Which to me is an admission that you have no reason to believe your hateful accusations.
 

Hello Remberin;

Sorry about all the tribulations you have experienced, but happy that you have survived them to tell us about them here.
You are stronger than you realize...

[TW - Trigger Warning]

TW - Trigger Warning

Either I do not understand what feeling shame is like or I do not feel it.

I think the lack of shame is because I am 100% certain that the reoccurring accusation's are not true.  I was labelled gay in my early teens in a community that was openly hostile towards that 'lifestyle' at the time.  I was too young and naive to understand what it meant back then.  I was subjected to daily harassment, ridicule, hatred, threats, shoving, attempts to pressure me to change, etc. This by dozens of students, teachers, admins, church leaders, etc.  It was over a year before someone explained what it meant in terms that opened my eyes to what it was about (my first response was "how is that even possible"?) It was then I became certain it was not true for me.  But, by then it was too late.  Denials were dismissed or ignored.

Note, I am tolerant of those who are gay, but not of those who are abusive to anyone they think is (true or not).

Note, I left my family unaware of what was happening.  Home was my sanctuary.

Today, the rumors are still occurring.  Mostly in church settings when I am asked to share my witness.  Despite being married, having a son, and no one being able to identify any instance where i did something like that.  The flashbacks I get when the topic is broached make it had for people to believe me.

Welcime hugs, if they feel safe and ok.

It is a relief to finally feel understood and to feel like what's happening to you makes sense and to not feel alone with it all anymore. Tear worthy for sure (also there are a lot of us on here who can't cry or feel emotions other than shame, you're not alone in the not crying department).

Either I do not understand what feeling shame is like or I do not feel it.  Others try at times to shame me, but I either push back because it is coming from ignorance, or if that does not work then turn to avoidance.  Many think they can "read" body language but often do not "get" me when they try.   
 For example, reading "fear of not being believed" (a trigger) as "not telling the truth".

Welcome. Of course you can share and I guarantee there are people who will understand. Most of us, probably, if not all of us.

I hope the tears felt therapeutic. Well done for finding the courage to join.

Grew up with the notion that boys do not cry and men are stoic. So part of me feels guilt when it happens.  The thinking part then dismisses the guilt. 

Part of coping for me is to review feelings (feeling side) and decide if they are rationale (thinking side).  If not, try to ignore them.  The challenge is doing that mid conversation, without undue pauses that some take as being "slow" in thought.

Hello

Hoping that this forum will be a place I can share and be understood.  I have not had that in so long.

Wow, just writing that brings tears.  A very rare occurrence...

my username is from the initials of the place where I experienced the majority of my traumatic experiences.  Were I learned that this world is never a safe place.