Messages

Thank you, Papacoco for answering my questions!!No need to apologize, and I hope you had a good time with your grandchildren.

I'm now back at the clinic, tomorrow I will do the last preparation meeting and on Tuesday I'll have the 3rd MDMA-assisted session. This time I'm not nervous, and I do not want to direct the experience nor to hold back, both of which I somehow did the last two times, perhaps because I was nervous. This time is different and I have a sense that the result can be free as I let the experience be.

I see how your experience was different to mine, yet I can relate to much of what you have shared. I did have active therapy parts during the time I was under the influence of the mdma, and a great deal of the processing happened there. Integration has been gradual but there has been a major shift for me, and I think it has to do with the experiencing of oneness that you mentioned. 

I love what you said about your intention being to blend your inner parts together in any way you could. If I should aim at anything, I think that's what I will be aiming for as well. In the meantime, I'm doing my meditations, relaxing and letting go.

Once again, I thank you for your openness and willingness to share your experience! 

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, PapaCoco.

I can relate so much to what you are describing after your substance-assisted experiences. Particularly about not wanting to hurt yourself anymore, and about not being cured but knowing that your symptoms are something that will pass.

Your experience sounds so amazing and so peaceful, and I am very happy, that you have found that kind of inner peace within yourself, and with what is. I don't believe in God either, but I do believe we are energy, we come from energy and become energy when we go. I guess part of the peace comes from knowing that we are part of something greater than ourselves, and that we just transform. And we can look at this transformation from many different angles, how our bodies change while we age, the psychological changes we experience with each situation while we grow, even that connection we have with some persons, anyway. I'm divagating a bit here. What I wanted to say is that I'm happy you got to experience that love and connection, and that you were able to take it with you from those treatments.

I've done 2 MDMA-assisted treatments. And it was somehow difficult because of what you described, the parts of my past that I've worked on were easy, the rest shocked me but for me still were good experiences, in the sense that I was able to see myself through the pain and from a different perspective, and that helped to access self-compassion for the first time in my life. I was with a doctor and my psychologist, and they both told me that they could tell that I have been preparing myself to face my past. So, for me it was difficult but not overwhelming, and the outcome was a newfound self-love and self-compassion that I had never experienced before.

You mentioned something about the preparation at a physical level, and I wanted to ask you about the mind level (if you are willing to share of course). Specifically, for the MDMA one, did you do any kind of intention preparation, or did you just go in there open to whatever? Also, besides what you mentioned abut laying in your couch to call up those images again, how are you integrating in your daily life what you experienced? Has it been easy for you to still maintain those practices after the so-called window of neuroplasticity?

I'm sorry for all these questions, but it has been very difficult to find someone who has experienced these substances in a kind of controlled or therapeutic setting, and I'm really curious.

Thank you for this thread Chart!

I also have found that exercise makes a big difference. I have been without any medication for some weeks now at a clinic for an inpatient treatment, and at the same time I started a new exercise routine: Mondays and Wednesdays 45min of what they call Medical training therapy (basically gym-like exercises to improve the physical health), Tuesdays and Thursdays 50min of Movement therapy (yoga, stretching and movement-like exercises to be more grounded in the present moment), and recently 50min of individual Anger therapy in which I get to box, hit, kick, and even scream to physically release the energy from repressed anger in my boda, and boy it helps!
The days I don't do anything, I kind of convince myself to get out, just step out of the room and walk 15min, if possible near nature.
I plan to keep at least some of these practices at home, since not much equipment is required.

I have realized that I loved training at the gym, but I unconsciously linked it with my anger, so when I wasn't feeling angry I just didn't feel like exercising. Now I can do it consciously, because it helps me with my mood, and to feel strong, and overall I feel better about myself.

So, I'm now getting up from the PC and going for a short walk 😊

Thnak you very much, Kizzie! Not sure about the patience, but I do have a lot of time since I'm not working right now   
I really appreciate your words :-)

NK
You almost made me cry with this comment! THANK YOU!! I hope I get to see some of your art too.
You are incredibly kind! Thank you!!

I would never have the audacity to call myself an artist, and yet, wouldn't the expression of my feelings and emotions through creativity fall under the definition of art ? I don't know, but anyway here is my IG handle in case you want to take a look at my things:
@mindfulpatterns_bydina 

I was just reading the first Healing porch description and I am in tears, happy tears. That's exactly where I needed to be right now. A peaceful place, a place I've dreamed for so long, a place with people who understand, a place where I feel I belong! What a wonderful gift!
 

Hi Kizzie, Can you please add me? There's a topic I'd like to journal about but I'm worried that it could be easily identifiable for people close to me. TIA

Great discussion and resources on this thread.

I'd like to contribute saying that I highly recommend the Netflix series: How to change your mind. 4 episodes each dedicated to LSD, Psilocybin, MDMA and Mescaline, respectively, and their potential use in a therapeutic setting. The chapters are very well documented, covering the origins of the substance, history, controversies, benefits, risks. Each episode draws on the available research at the time. A good summary of most of the scattered information available online on the topic. Really informative.

[UPDATE]

UPDATE
I've been in a psychiatric clinic for almost 4 weeks now for a depressive crisis intervention. I thought I was doing better, but I had a major setback last weekend. I'll be here for another 2 weeks. I feel so broken, so damaged. I never ever thought that I would be in a psychiatric institution, and that I would feel like I belong here for the moment (it might be depression talking, but who knows).
It's like I'm suddenly waking up and becoming aware of all my trauma. I don't understand how I was able to function for the past 20 years of my life, I don't recognize myself as that person anymore. I somehow built up a life that it's too big for me now. I already quit my job, but it wasn't enough. I can't even be around my kids now. I can't (I won't) quit on them, but how the * am I going to be a good mother to them if I can't even take care of myself? I feel so useless when I'm around my kids, that I don't want to be with them, and that is just * up. What kind of mother am I?

Doctor said that I'm trying too hard, that accepting myself and my situation would actually be helpful for me. But I'm lost, I'm so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I've been on new meds for little over a week now. And yes, after almost 10 years I'm able to sleep the whole night through (still wake up from nightmares but I can go right back to sleep) but still I feel tired in the morning because my body gets really tense during the nightmares.

I am now looking for a new therapist. I realized that I'm staying with my current therapist because I felt I didn't have any other options, but now, here they say that I can do an inpatient trauma therapy treatment if I can't find an ambulant therapist.

Thank you all for the support. It means a lot to me.

I had therapy on Friday. He brought up the idea of a clinic, in that context I would have 2 options: 8 weeks of in-patient care or 12 weeks of a program (5 days per week from 8am to 4pm). I'm scared about either option. Am I really that bad? It might be because my husband says that I've been in bed for many days now.

I went out one day to a Museum with my family, and I was dragging myself through the whole thing. Needless to say, the next day I was in bed and barely ate.

The clinic topic also came up 2 years ago, and I was also scared. I didn't go. I keep wondering what if I had gone then? Would it be better now? Will I be asking myself these same questions in two  years if I don't go now? But I'm scared of being alone, with strangers in an unknown place. Who will take care of my kids in the meantime? We'll need to get someone to be with them. What if they harm them?

I don't know what to do. I'm completely torn. I can't seem to have the will to get up and do something useful. I hate this, I really really hate this.

I have not been here for quite some time now. I've been spiraling down for weeks. I've been in bed for the past week. Back to black and I just can't believe I'm here again, isolating myself, abandoning myself.

I'm so disappointed at myself, I thought I had new resources, I really thought I wasn't going to hit this low again. But here I am, not being able to even cleanse myself. It's embarrassing.

The self-critic in my head is the worst. I need to numb myself watching true crime documentaries the whole day, otherwise I can't take it. I won't hurt myself, I can't I won't do that to my children, ever. I'm not alone, my husband is here, so I'm  safe. But the thoughts, the thoughts are there tormenting me. And I just can't. I just want this to pass.

I am reaching out. I don't know for what. But I figured that if I want this to pass I need to do something. And writting this is the only thing I can do now while I wait for my therapy session.

[My thoughts on day #5]

My thoughts on day #5

Why is it that after a good couple of days I have one like this one? I cognitively know the answer to that one! Besides the obvious reasons that come to my mind, I'll add that probably finding the right dosage of the new antidepressant is messing up with me. 

This morning, even before I opened my eyes I felt like crying. I've been in a very bad mood and to make things worse, we missed our couples therapy appointment. My husband forgot  about it (he has ADD so he never remembers anything) but the alarms didn't work, and I (usually keep things under control) completely forgot about it. This will be a very expensive forgetful episode. 

Weekend is here, and the kids will be at thome 24hrs on both days. Not really looking forward to it, at least not when I'm in this kind of mood. 
Anyway, it is getting cold here, we're at -5 and tomorrow will be colder. If at least we had some sun, but no it's just cold, snowy and grey. Probably not so bad, but this is what I see today.

I'll go to bed early today. We're heading to the mountains tomorrow, hopefully we'll find some sun there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Thanks Blueberry! Your list sounds lovely too! 


My glimmers today were:
1. Having the mental capacity to work on a current assigment due this month.

2. Sitting on the couch and do nothing for almost one hour and not feeling guilty about it.

3. The warm feeling in my heart when one of my sons hugged me this morning.

[My thoughts on day #3 and #4]

Wow Blueberry, thank you for taking the time to read my post and give such a thorough feedback. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me 🙂 is incredibly valuable for me 


My thoughts on day #3 and #4

Yesterday, I sent an email to my therapist communicating what I felt the unresolved issues between us. He gave me the most reassuring reply, and now I think I ready to move on from "the incident" and keep working on myself.
Topic of the moment: repressed anger that keeps me in and out of freeze mode.

Today was a very good day! It could be that the higher dose of the new antidepressant is finally kicking in, or the exercises from yesterday, or the fact that I was able to work on the Uni assignment due this month, or idk, the fact is that I had a good mental day today and I enjoyed it.