I suffer from sudden and intense episodes of rage. I wonder if anyone else deals with this. For example my most recent episode went like this.I came home from work , which is stressful, and noticed I had missed a call. Generally I do not answer the phone even if I hear it, its like I fear what they can do to me . I know doesn't make a lot of sense, but I used to hide in closets when people knocked on the door so I think I am getting better there.
Back to the story, I saw the number and though I shouldn't be anxious they cant get me so I called . turned out to be bill collector. So I paid the bill after looking at my HSA account which said 245. bal , the doc bill was 196. Once I made the payment and hung up the phone I realized on the computer screen it said avail balance 54. I started to panic, this cant be right , I have 60 a week allocated to that account. I attempted to access the work site. Failed , tried to bring it up again and it let me in , but forced me to the University courses, not my benefits. Then it failed again, and again, I started to panic that the payment was going to default. I tried to get on the mobile site to see what was the issue , on that site I was not able to access the level I needed to see.
I stated to punch the phone ,every muscle in my body tenses up and the rage builds rapidly , every thing I did from this point on was another trigger making it worse. I got so upset at my behavior and what I had done the shame, guilt, I cried uncontrollably, which upset me further because I cant stop crying or control my emotions. I called my wife, she said what was wrong, rage I couldn't put to words what was happening to me. I just said "me I am what's wrong" at this point I had found some Xanax and took 2mg. My wife came home and just held
me as I rocked and cried on the floor in the kitchen. My symptoms, anger, fixation on what ever is agitation, intensified if someone tries to advert this need to get it right, every muscle in my body gets so tight I feel like the only way to let the rage out it to physically do it, I don't know what to do to stop it.
I have memory issues so the tools the Psy try's to give me are the furthest from thought, or reason during these episodes. Like mindfully breathing. ALL that does is cause me to loose control of my emotions and cry uncontrollably.
I don't know I am just going on and on, I don't have any friends here, I isolate a lot but like to have friends, being from another state I lost all the long-term friends I had, it has been hard to find someone I can trust.
I just, I don't even know what I am looking for from this, I know people suffer more than me,
when I tell, the very few, someone I have CPTSD their first reaction is o I didn't know you were in the army, makes me feel shameful, I tell them I haven't they look at me like I am stealing a diagnosis designated to vets, and POW's. This also makes me feel bad, I wanted to go into military, but weighed 300lbs for most my life, lost the wt., last I check 42 was cut off, they changed it 35 I was now 3 months outside the age. I swear sometime if their is a God I am their twisted comic relief ,or he wants to see how close he can push me toward the light, the way things implode, the way I am still victimized thru out my life, enough. when do I get to have a break. There is no relax in my life, no time to, no joy, I miss that .
Well if you made it this far I want to thank you for taking the enormous amount of time to read my disjointed thoughts, post or reply if you like,